"Well, maybe it's not the most creative or fitting of names," Banjo told Kazooie as they flew toward the huge inflated mutant. "But we've gotta take this seriously all the same, Kazooie." As they were coming from behind, Mr. Dragon Patch could not see them at the moment, but he was aware of what they were trying to do and was slowly turning around with his large claws and dragonfly wings.
Below, most of the assaulters, seeing Banjo & Kazooie in the air, continued their raid and left the boss fight to the Intense difficulty graduates. However, Donkey Kong, Tiny, Lanky, Chunky, and Funky had stopped to draw their weaponry and aim it at the giant evil balloon, waiting for it to draw low enough for its many vulnerable patches to be within range. But for now, it was up to the bear and bird.
"Here we go!" Banjo yelled over the noise of the wind whipping around them. "You know what to do! You see that patch right on the—"
Kazooie, however, wasted no more time with talk, brought her beak back, and rushed the pair forward into a large red patch on Mr. Dragon Patch's rubbery buttocks, which happened to be directly below a spiked, dark red dragon tail. The Dragonfly appendage had become part of the demented inflatable.
Mr. Dragon Patch bellowed in pain, and thrashed about as Kazooie's beak punctured the patch, causing some of his air to deplete from his densely packed, gaseous innards. The force of the escaping air blew Banjo & Kazooie backwards into the dragon's wildly swinging tail and sent them careening sideways, rolling over and over, until they finally stabilized themselves. By then, Mr. Dragon Patch had completely turned around to face them, actual flames flaring from his nostrils.
"Kazooie, be more careful next time! Don't be so rash!" Banjo shook his head back and forth to overcome his dizziness.
"Hey, clown face!" Kazooie shouted, completely disregarding Banjo's warning. "Did that feel good? No? Well, what are you, a fat, torn up, sorry-excuse-for-a-mutated-dragon-freak gonna do about it? Cough up beach balls at us like last time? Oooh, I'm so scared—"
Banjo reached up with one paw and clamped it around Kazooie's beak. "Keep your foul beak shut, Kazooie, or we'll make him really angry…"
"Hm…." Kazooie pretended to consider the intensity of Mr. Dragon Patch's building rage. "I'm pretty sure we ticked him off already by stabbing him in the butt, so I think we can safely assume that he's not in a mood to negotiate."
"Darn right I'm not!" Mr. Dragon Patch boomed in his throaty, resonant voice. "Let's see how well your filthy beak can stab…these!" And sure enough, the inflated dragon wheezed several times and coughed out, as Kazooie had predicted, beach balls. But the reason why these particular balls would not be easy to stab was because these beach balls were on fire. And yet they didn't pop, hurtling toward their target like weightless, spinning comets. What was more, they didn't just continue on an aimless path after passing their target, but rather looped around like heat-seeking missiles and came back for a second attempt.
The airborne duo dodged the first several flaming beach balls, but realized this fact as the beach balls came back from behind them.
"Kazooie!" Banjo shouted. "Think! What counteracts fire?"
"Well, duh! That's obvious!" Kazooie spat out first these words, then a number of Ice Eggs. Each one, upon contact with a fiery ball, froze it solid in midair, quenching the flames and all movement, ignoring gravity entirely. Then, while they were flying toward the frozen spheres, Banjo quickly took off his backpack with Kazooie inside and swung it at the beach balls, shattering them. The swinging helped to keep the bear in the air.
"Ow! What the heck do you think you're doing?" Kazooie shrieked as Banjo reshouldered the backpack so they could continue flying. "You're only supposed to do that when we're separated, you bonehead!"
"Oops, sorry," Banjo apologized, not looking very sorry. "I forgot."
As they turned back to Mr. Dragon Patch, the inflated beast was moving steadily toward them on his dragonfly wings, preparing for another attack.
"Hold on!" Kazooie yelled, as if Banjo could have let go. The Breegull dived toward their enemy while firing at least a dozen grenade eggs aimed in the direction of the remaining patches. The green projectiles sped toward their targets as bear and bird tilted downward to gain speed and then came up again on the other side to reach the remaining vulnerable spots.
Mr. Dragon Patch croaked in pain as several more holes were punctured in his rubber skin, and he shrunk to about three-fifths his original size.
"That's it! No more messing around! Let's see how well this professor's upgrades work…" The boss clenched his claws together, and began glowing and shimmering with a fiery red coating. "Ha! Now not only can you not stab me, but any grenade or explosive object getting within twenty feet of me will instantly detonate because of the heat radiation these dragonfly abilities render me! Ha ha ha!"
Mr. Dragon Patch began advancing toward them again, coughing up more flaming beach balls at an even faster rate. Just to make sure, Kazooie fired one last grenade egg, but as their adversary had so described, it detonated well before reaching its intended target. The heat from both the beach balls and Mr. Dragon Patch himself was beginning to make Banjo & Kazooie sweat.
"What do we do now?" Banjo cried.
In answer, they heard a call from down below. "Over here!" came the voices of the remaining five Kongs (Dixie, Kiddy, Candy, and Cranky, without projectile weapons, were fighting elsewhere). DK, Tiny, Lanky, Chunky, and Funky were waving as they brandished their nutritious weapons. "Bring it closer!"
With no other strategy in mind, Banjo & Kazooie fled obligingly toward the monkeys—that is, they were fleeing both from the flaming beach balls and the mutated dragon freak (in Kazooie's own words) following close behind them with an unhindered fury and a ravenous thirst for vengeance.
But as soon as they reached the area directly above the Kongs, four burning beach balls closed in from each side and collided into their target at once. Banjo & Kazooie yelled as they plummeted toward the ground. The bird was unable to so much as slow the fall because both of them had caught on fire. Fortunately, a cluster of multi-colored Yoshis watching the battle had gathered together to break their fall, so they landed without additional injury. The Yoshis immediately backed away from the flames flickering on the tips of Kazooie's feathers and singeing Banjo's fur. To their rescue came Ellie the Elephant, who dumped a plethora of water over them from her trunk (the water itself coming from who-knew-where), quenching the fire and drenching the two exhausted adventurers.
Meanwhile, at DK's command, the five Kongs simultaneously fired their weapons at Mr. Dragon Patch, who was by now a good deal closer. The assault was a success: With a combination of DK's coconuts, Tiny's red feathers, Lanky's incredibly painful grapes, Chunky's pineapples, and Funky's oranges, the dragonfly/strange wobbly inflatable object (as he had once been introduced back in Witchyworld) was faced with a final barrage of fruit and feathers. Coconuts and pineapples burst through patches in spite of the flaring red coating of energy; feathers stuck themselves into the rubber and created additional punctures; and grapes acted like flavored cannonballs as they hit other vulnerable spots. Unfortunately, the oranges, as explosive objects, did not get the same opportunity, and instead burst into orange juice and splattered to the surface.
Now there was only the one patch left: on the left bridge of Mr. Dragon Patch's snout-like nose. Funky, frustrated by the failure of his oranges, drew out his famous Boot Bazooka and pressed the trigger. The brown shoe sped straight at the wailing head.
"NOOOOOOOO! This show was supposed to be mine!" were the mutant's last words before the boot smacked Dragon Patch's head, not merely breaking through the patch, but decapitating the dragon-like head altogether. The remaining body, half-Patch, half-Dragonfly, ceased its fiery red effect, and the rest of the air poured out through the opening where the neck used to connect. The rubber remains zoomed through the sky, propelled by the escaping air, and finally collapsed right in front of the Kongs; the Yoshis had had to run away to avoid being covered by it.
The Kongs hollered and screeched in triumph, beating their chests and clapping their hands and feet while hand-standing. Banjo sat up, parts of his previously brown fur now singed black, his entire coat matted down with water. He looked over to see Kazooie's limp wet body beside him, and lifted her onto his lap.
"Kazooie, are you alright?" Banjo's brow was furrowed with worry.
In response, the soaked bird coughed out water, and spat grumpily, "This will take forever to dry!"
Reeka blasted higher and higher with his jetpack, the flames blazing from the device leaving a trail of black smoke. He reached the highest story and then, cackling, veered into a narrow octagonal opening which glowed with a modern blue radiance. A few seconds later, Gadd gave chase by following his rival into the opening on the Poltergust 5000. He had to persevere now, or else risk allowing his dangerous cousin to escape. But he had no idea where Reeka was leading him, and with the speed of this pursuit, he would have to be extremely careful.
The narrow tunnel gave the Poltergust a couple yards of leeway in each direction, but one wrong turn or jerk and it would all be over. The professor navigated quickly but cautiously through the passageway lit by more rings of fluorescent blue light. Multicolored patches of red, green, and yellow flashed in and out, beeping faintly against the continuous warning siren. Along the top and sides were mechanical pulleys and magnetic conveyer belts moving in the same direction as him, bearing metal boxes and other obscurer shapes. As the tunnel curved up, down, left, and right, Reeka was usually not even in sight, although along straighter sections Gadd caught a brief glimpse of him before he turned another corner.
Finally, the passage sloped down steeply and then became a straight plummet. Gadd ducked when a U-turning pulley above him bore a suspended mass of tangled metal pipes and wires around the bend at the same time the professor was curving down into the drop. The gray tuft of hair on his head brushed against the metal mass as he swerved away and then stabilized himself as he continued down.
As he looked down, he saw the two jets of fire indicating Reeka's jetpack flaring further down the tunnel. Anxious to stop his nemesis's rampage as soon as possible, he pressed a trigger on the right handle of his prototype, firing two beams of green lasers in the direction of his enemy. Unfortunately, at that moment, Reeka leveled out, swerving in a direction perpendicular to his current orientation, disappearing around the corner and proceeding forward. The green lasers burned uselessly into the curving floor below, leaving black scorch marks.
The Poltergust rumbled as at last it reached the bottom, which curved in a steep 90-degree slope, but also opened out into a much larger room, leaving the blue tunnel behind. Gadd steered his vehicle to follow the final bend and entered the expansive chamber beyond.
Machines of all shapes, sizes, and functions made a huge amount of noise, even above that of the alarm. This was evidently the primary industrial facility of the base, for all sorts of conveyor belts with assembly machines putting together all kinds of contraptions sloped up, down, and across the room. The ceiling was at least as tall as the previous room. Along the vast walls were the dark circular windows that could be seen from the exterior. Finished products were grouped together in corners: the hovering robots used to feed the Wire Frame Pods, a variety of guns, and many other complex machines which Gadd had never seen the likes of before. All the black smoke went into a vent in the ceiling where it was discharged out of the cylindrical chimneys on the roof of the black building. However, the fumes from all the gaseous smoke coming out of the huge assembly machines still made the air taste and smell horrid; in fact, Gadd could tell he would likely faint from the toxicity if he were to remain in the factory for much more than an hour.
The professor saw his nemesis rocket across an active assembly line and curve upwards once more. Gadd followed carefully, barely able to see Reeka through the smoky air. He fired three more green laser beams as they ascended; two missed and ricocheted around the room until causing a machine to explode, but the third finally hit its mark. The right exhaust on the jetpack ceased to function and simply smoked while the other side continued to run. The two cousins leveled out, but they were now at least a hundred feet above the ground. Only the largest of the production machines rose all the way up to where they were.
"Argh!" Professor U. Reeka seethed as his flight pattern was knocked out of control. He began to lurch this way and that, jerking spontaneously like a jinxed broomstick. Gadd had to try hard to follow and avoid colliding with him. As his jetpack sped up spasmodically, the evil scientist turned back to his cousin and fired several more jets of blue lightning from his watch.
Gadd cried out in shock as the jets electrocuted him and struck the Poltergust, causing it to explode. The force sent him flying sideways into the metal wall of one of the tallest machines, and his desperate fingers barely clung on to the top edge while currents of blue electricity still seared and stung through his body. Fortunately, the rays of lightning were not lethal because they had not had enough time to fully charge since their last use. But the professor's fingers were beginning to slip from fatigue, and the moisture of the air lessening the adhesiveness of his hands on the metal edge. Below, not only was there a one hundred foot drop, but an enormous cauldron filled with a sickly, bubbling green liquid conveniently occupied the area directly beneath him.
Gadd gathered all the strength he could muster and pulled himself up as hard as he could while Reeka continued to flail uncontrollably in the air. Gadd strenuously lifted himself onto the metal surface above, his old body screaming for respite. The only problem was that the surface was moving, for he was now on a narrow assembly line with a conveyor belt comprising the entire ledge. He looked up and rolled out of the way just in time before a giant steaming square stamped onto the spot where he had just been. The pull of the belt as he shakily stood up drew him back toward the now-rising stamping machine, so instead of running away from it, he dashed forward and ducked below before it could stamp again. He looked beyond at the rest of the assembly line in front of him. There were mechanical arms handling glowing, almost molten metal and pounding each piece into certain shapes. And at the end of the belt, the pieces dropped into what looked suspiciously like a furnace….
The professor looked down the side of the sheer metal wall to see Reeka still struggling for control over his malfunctioning jetpack, flying in jittering circles almost directly below. Gadd looked back at the mechanical arms and the furnace, and determined there was only one means of escape with even the slightest chance of survival—even if that chance was miniscule. After a brief hesitation, Gadd leapt off the conveyer belt, aiming for his enemy. He was successful, and even though both were sent tumbling down the gap between machines, Professor U. Reeka had broken the fall, giving Gadd something to help soften the force of the impending impact. Still, there was yet another issue: They were heading straight toward the cauldron of boiling green liquid, and the edges were several yards away on each side. But with the last bit of the jetpack's energy, Reeka caused them to accelerate just far enough to avoid dropping into the liquid, and instead they conveniently fell into a chute leading into a sloped tunnel, which sloped forward and downward. They slid smoothly into the circular tunnel, reducing the consequences of their fall to almost nothing.
After sliding down the smooth metal chute for a matter of seconds, Reeka in front, they popped out in what appeared to be an underground R & D lab. And judging by the content of this sector, it was where U. Reeka practiced his most secret, dangerous, demented experiments.
What Gadd first noticed were the tall glass containers filled with bubbling yellow liquid. And also within these capsules were submerged figures; some were curled up or bathed in shadow and impossible to identify, while others he could actually recognize. For instance, the professor could not mistake the floating Goomba, Waddle Dee, Wolfos, Starman (like ones who had invaded Onett—not the bouncing golden star with eyes), Banana Fairy, Metroid, Aparoid, and Magnemite (a spherical steel Pokémon with one large glazed eye and a horseshoe magnet attached on each side) inside each of the domed tubes. Gadd even spotted Ike, Samurai Goroh, and Paint Roller among the specimens.
Each figure floated up and down languidly inside one of the capsules, which were arranged in rows and columns throughout the small cavern. This underground lair had rock walls, floor, and ceiling, with smooth, damp surfaces. At the far end was a large, flat metal table on which there were various straps used to secure things (most likely limbs), and connected to it by several thick wires was a large rectangular machine positioned against the rock wall with dials, buttons, levers, switches, keypads, and a small screen in the middle.
Beside this machine where the rest of the rock wall would have been was instead a glass wall behind which was a small enclosed area completely barren of any objects or furniture. It was similar to the room from Donkey Kong 64 in which King K. Rool used to listen to his minions babble about why they had failed to defeat the Kongs—prior to punishing them in rather unpleasant ways.
On the left wall was a single heavily bolted door behind which strange sounds could be heard; Gadd did not like to think about what was beyond it. Finally, near the right wall was something very familiar, but the familiarity did not lift the professor's spirits much, for it was yet another of the fancy kraken-like mechanisms used to transform things into trophies; and of course, near the machine itself was a stack of trophy stands and a chair with chains attached. Leaning against the wall was a strange black-and-purple gun that for some reason worried Gadd even more than the enormous trophy machine.
The lab was quiet except for a low humming sound coming from the machines and the unsettling noises echoing from behind the steel door. The whole room was dubiously lit by fluorescent lights on the ceiling, which allowed for more shadows and dark corners than Gadd would have preferred, and the air was kept in circulation by vents in the ceiling, but neither of these conveniences took away from the intense fear Gadd felt as he entered the lair of his evil cousin's darkest designs.
Reeka walked forward with his hands together behind his back as if their physically strenuous chase had never taken place. He gazed at each of the sleeping figures suspended in liquid. Then, when he reach the end of the rows of glass domes where the metal table stood near the glass wall, he turned around and smiled wickedly at Gadd, showing off his disturbing pointy teeth.
"This is where it all ends, Elvin," he said. "After all the effort you've gone through just to vanquish me, this is where you will finally come to realize it has all been in vain. For look around you!" Reeka gestured out toward the basement's contents. "Even a mind such as yours doesn't understand the full wonder of what I've achieved—and will yet achieve. I have been able to mass-produce Master Hand's armies; I have created a machine to convert a living being into an immobilized state; and I have discovered the secret to combine and transmogrify two creatures into one new, superior slave. In the near future, perhaps, we shall do away with these cumbersome trophy machines and come up with a smaller, handheld model instead…yes, I see you've noticed my first prototype. But for now, this is the epitome of technology; none of your fireworks or vacuums will ever amount to what I will accomplish!"
Then his insane grin switched to a malicious grimace. "But you don't deserve any recognition. You should be obliterated into nothingness and cease to exist even as a faint memory. So I have now devised the perfect method in which to dispose of you forever in the most humiliating way possible. You probably didn't expect me to have…this…."
With gusto, Professor U. Reeka dramatically drew out a Poltergust, handheld like Luigi's. "Yes, I have come into possession of one of your own useless trinkets; I won't even bother telling you how. Only this trinket, it so happens, I've modified to actually make it useful, so instead of simply sucking up pathetic ghosts or dust bunnies, this one does the reverse: It vacuums living beings—such as yourself. So prepare, Elvin, to be devoured by your own creation; mutated into a hideous, unrecognizable monster; and then sent back into the Battlefields where you will be slain by your own followers…." The mad scientist laughed so loudly that he would almost match one of Bowser's roars, and he prepared to switch on the Poltergust, watching his cousin's expression with lunatical amusement.
But to Reeka's surprise, Gadd gave a toothy smile. "You never did have the respect to use a professor's full title, Ulysses." Professor Ulysses Reeka twitched in annoyance at the use of his embarrassing first name. "And luckily for me," Elvin continued, "I happen to have another trick up my sleeve as well…no pun intended." And indeed, the professor reached into the inner pocket of his lab coat and pulled out a large paintbrush, which he held up like a wand. At the base of the bristles was a circle with a insignia resembling Gadd's head upon it. The bristles themselves were colored with bright hues and dripping with a magical goopy substance.
"I have also come into possession of something of yours, Ulysses. This Magic Brush…which you gave to Bowser's son a couple years ago so he could terrorize the inhabitants of Delfino Island and attempt to execute revenge on Mario. You even spread the rumor that I made the brush myself, and that Bowser Jr. had stolen it from me, in order to hurt my reputation. Well, now, my bad cousin, it will be you meeting your end by your own dastardly devices. That is, unless you accept my final offer of unconditional surrender and swear to cease your experimenting which has caused—and is currently causing—so much death and pain. Despite your treachery, I do not wish to kill you, Ulysses…I will only do what I must to ensure the safety of Nintendo World…."
"You will try," Reeka jeered as he switched on the modified Poltergust. But instead of a moderate-sized area of suckage, the vacuum reached across the entire room, pulling all the way from the opposite end, which included Gadd. However, since everything else on Gadd's side of the lair was bolted firmly to the ground, nothing else seemed to be affected by the pull except a small, worn picture frame whose image the professor did not have time to see before being subjected to the force of the pull himself. So strong was the pull that he was nearly lifted off his feet as he was forced toward the nozzle of the vacuum. As he slid across the floor against his will, Gadd grasped the side of one of the glass containers and pushed himself behind it to where he would hopefully be safe from the blast. But the cylindrical glass precluded him from remaining still, for the air rushing past him caused him to begin slipping either one way or the other.
Finally, determining that he would have to go on the offensive, Gadd took Reeka's Magic Paintbrush and smacked it into the glass dome, shattering it and causing the shards to fly toward Reeka. Along the way, the shards cracked and split open other glass capsules as well and created a chain reaction, breaking open just about every liquid-filled container. And of course, this resulted in the yellow liquid flushing out onto the floor, drenching Gadd's boots and the trail of his coat. The figures themselves collapsed onto the bottom of the capsules, where the remaining glass shielded them from being sucked up. The positive effect of this strategy was that the shards, while for the most part absorbing into the vacuum, now and then strayed off and struck the scientist behind it, making it necessary for Reeka to duck for cover behind the metal table.
This also gave Gadd time to paint a colorful circular portal in front of him, jump through it, and then appear behind the confused maniac. Reeka, unable to see Gadd's position because he was so close to the ground, continued to hold the Poltergust in position, awaiting his cousin's imminent defeat. He cackled as the old picture of a young Professor E. Gadd vanished into the vacuum. But just when he was beginning to wonder where Elvin could be and how he could have remained hidden for so long, he heard a monstrous, earsplitting roar behind him. Slowly, Reeka turned his head to face the source of the sound.
A pool of thick, goopy red liquid served as the home of the vicious Polluted Piranha swaying above, made entirely of shimmering paint. It bellowed again, Gadd standing grimly next to the puddle with the paintbrush still in hand.
"You have no place in This World, cousin," was the last thing Ulysses Reeka heard before he was engulfed by a goopy mouth and was no more.
The pile of goop, at Gadd's will, sank into the ground along with the liquid Piranha Plant and Professor U. Reeka. The professor wiped his forehead with exhaustion and glanced at the nearby screen on the rectangular machine. He noticed several pictures of paired creatures and double-sided arrows between them. The Shadow Queen and Floormaster…Petey Piranha and Gohma…Mr. Patch and Dragonfly... There were more, but before he could make out the shapes behind his thick lenses, a female intercom voice blared from above.
"Self-destruct sequence initiated. Commencement will begin in one minute—59…58…"
Gadd smiled faintly. Well, done, R.O.B.'s, he thought. They've fulfilled what I programmed them to do…but this is no place for a sane scientist…. He looked at the previously unconscious figures from the glass capsules. They were beginning to stir and rise in confusion. Nor for any of these poor beings, either…
Without delay, E. Gadd set to work painting an enormous portal across the glass wall until it was one colorful, shimmering rectangle. "Fellas!" the professor shouted to the freed specimens. "This place will soon explode. You must all help each other to escape through this portal; and then, if you have the strength, join with the Smash Brothers to defeat Master Hand's remaining forces. Can you do this? For I must leave."
Ike and Samurai Goroh, the strongest of the bizarre group, looked at each other and nodded. They began to assist others who were in worse condition than themselves (the Metroid and Aparoid, thankfully, were dead).
"Good. Farewell, then. You must have been through a terrible ordeal, but have patience and all will be made right." With that, Professor E. Gadd jumped through the paint and came out a good distance away from the black lab, from which R.O.B.'s were still fleeing. Now he had no living relatives left.
He watched as over the next thirty seconds, Reeka's prisoners filed out after him and began hobbling away.
"3…2…1…" the mechanized voice echoed from the distance before the entire base went up in a huge explosion. However, it seemed that Gadd had underestimated the blast radius; the fiery self-destruction continued to consume ground beyond what he could have ever expected—but then again, this was still Reeka's work. He should have expected his evil cousin to plan, in the event of his failure, the death of his conqueror at all costs. Now he and the R.O.B.'s would go down with the work of Professor Ulysses Reeka. He closed his eyes as death approached…until an echoing, magical voice chanted nearby….
"Eeko Boko Eeko Boko Mo-me-ni-mu, Mo-me-ni-mu, Eeko Boko Eeko Boko Eeko Boko Eek-yo Ob…." Mumbo Jumbo's voice repeated this phrase over and over again as he, with Humba Wumba beside him, faced the exploding base beside Gadd with his hands (as well as Humba's) raised up in concentration. The two shamans had created a translucent wall of blue energy) which, when it came, held back the raging force and protected those beyond its boundaries. The wall encircled the blast, containing it within the spell's magical limits. Only a few R.O.B.'s were consumed before they crossed the barrier to safety. The explosion pounded against the sparkling walls for some time before finally subsiding.
"Bu-gi-deh," Mumbo finished with satisfaction as the blast died away and the shamans allowed the barrier to dematerialize. He and Humba came toward Gadd and the other escapees, smiling triumphantly.
The professor could only smile back; there was no need for words of gratitude now. No way at the moment to fully express his gratitude for the shamans' indispensable, lifesaving assistance. Now Gadd's thoughts, although disturbed by the unavoidable loss of his cousin, turned to the most important thing. He gazed at the ashen lab remains and then to the north where the rest of the Smash Brothers continued to fight almost tirelessly. By this point the entire spawning fields had been overtaken, but the thousands of Wire Frames who they had charged past on the way over were coming back for them. Our part is complete, he thought grimly. We can only hope Mario and the others have had equal success….