"Say something" Jackson said softly, not wanting to cause a row.
He was used to Aaron's moods and sulks but since he'd explained he was going on holiday, Aaron hadn't said a word although his face spoke volumes. He was obviously unhappy with the prospect but then he was already unhappy with the current living arrangements anyway so Jackson felt he couldn't win.
"What's there to say" Aaron eventually replied. "Sounds to me like you've got it all planned."
"Don't be like that. I'm trying to do what's best…"
"Best for who? For you? Your mum? Obviously not what's best for me. If you were doing what's best for me, you wouldn't be leaving me." Aaron was trying to stay calm but was struggling to keep his emotions in check, his feelings betraying him when he spoke.
"I'm not leaving you! I'm just going on holiday. I'll be back in a couple of weeks," Jackson explained. When he had thought this all out in his head when he was working this afternoon, he never expected for a minute that Aaron would react like this; he thought he'd be glad to see the back of him.
"That's just words, trying to justify it to yourself. You're going whatever you want to call it." Aaron stood up and headed towards the front door.
Jackson stood up to follow him. "Aaron, don't go. Stay and talk to me. You said you wouldn't shut me out anymore."
Aaron turned sharply and looked intensely at Jackson, the hurt in eyes overwhelming. "Me shut you out! You're the one who's closed the door mate."
He grabbed Clyde's lead and called to the dog just as Paddy and Hazel came back from the kitchen. Both instantly felt the tense atmosphere and looked between the two lads.
"Everything alright?" Paddy asked, hoping one of them would explain what was going on. Aaron looked at him and Paddy saw a familiar sadness in his eyes. "Yeah, just great" Aaron answered as he walked out of the door.
The three of them stood there looking at the door. Hazel was first to break the silence. "So I take it laughing boy hasn't got any happier today."
"Leave it mum, eh" Jackson answered sharply. As much as he was frustrated with Aaron's attitude towards his mum, he knew she could be a pain and the last thing he needed right now was her having a go about Aaron. Jackson was far too worried about him for that. He'd looked so hurt and Jackson couldn't stand that, that he had upset him despite the fact that Aaron had upset him on numerous occasions.
"Alright" Hazel said putting her hands up. "Know when to leave well alone, that's my motto. I think I'll turn in. I've got a new travel book on the go. Night all."
Paddy and Jackson said goodnight to her and sat back down in the living room. They both waited to hear the bedroom door close and Hazel walking around the bedroom before Paddy spoke.
"Do you want to tell me what's happened?"
Jackson sighed. "Please don't think I'm not grateful for you putting me and mum up Paddy but Aaron is obviously not happy about it and it's only been 24 hours. I dread to think what it will be like in a week. So I thought about it and decided that as I'm nearly finished at Declan's, I'm going to go on holiday for a couple of weeks and put mum up in the B&B. I just thought, with what happened over my birthday and now this, it would give him some space. I thought he'd be relieved but he's took it that I'm leaving him…"
"Well, you are, in his eyes anyway."
"It's just a holiday!" Jackson protested.
"To you maybe, but to Aaron it's just someone else he cares about getting as far away from him as possible. I didn't even know what had happened and I could see he was gutted."
Jackson sat forward and put his head in his hands.
"So what do I do?"
"Be honest. Is it just a holiday or is this you starting to back off as some sort of exit strategy."
Jackson looked at Paddy. "It's just a holiday, honest. I didn't want to scare him into thinking that I was pushing things again. I want to be with Aaron."
"I know but he doesn't make it easy, does he? Crikey, I know that better than anyone. He'll push you away just to test how much you'll put up. Talk to him; explain; it's all you can do."
Jackson stood up. "I better go and find him. Any ideas?"
"He could be anywhere. Why not let him calm down and talk to him when he gets back."
Jackson sat back down on the settee, waiting for his boyfriend to come home.
eeeeeeeeee
Aaron sat on the steps of the cricket pavilion, Cylde lying at his feet. He felt sick; his mind was racing and he was desperately trying to hold back the tears that were stinging his eyes.
It's my own fault. I pushed him away, Aaron thought to himself. I ruined his birthday, I'm rude to his mum, I'm moody, and I treat him more like a mate than a boyfriend. It's amazing he stayed this long.
Jackson hadn't said they were finished but Aaron wasn't stupid. He thought back to the conversation in the Smithy.
We can see how things are when I get back
He knew what that meant! Jackson would come back after two weeks of spending time with normal people, people who were happy to be gay, and realise that Aaron wasn't worth the trouble.
He thought about Jackson, all they had been through and he'd still forgiven Aaron. The blokes would be all over him in Ibiza or wherever it was he was going. Aaron trusted Jackson but who would blame him for lapping up the attention and maybe meeting someone new. He was gorgeous, something Aaron was happy to enjoy in private but not in public. He deserves to be with someone who makes him happy but the thought of him with anyone else just made Aaron feel even more sick.
Aaron held his head in his hands, growing more annoyed with himself. What's wrong with me? Why didn't I tell him that I didn't want him to go? I should have tried to be more patient with him, his mum. I need to stop being so moody and overreacting, thinking back to how he'd almost started on Nikhil the previous day. Most of all, I need to show Jackson and everyone else how I feel about him. It wasn't quite love but it wasn't far off. Aaron sighed again. But now I've ruined it now, ruined everything.
He looked at his watch. It was getting late but he couldn't face going home yet. He knew Jackson and Paddy would be worried but he couldn't handle speaking to them right now. He thought about phoning Adam but he couldn't face a girly conversation with him, plus what would he say.
I think I've driven my boyfriend away and I'm scared he's going to dump me.
And that was the top and bottom of it. Aaron was scared. As scared, if not more so than when he came out. He was scared of what people would say; scared of hurting people if he couldn't control his temper; scared of losing Jackson; of him meeting someone else; but most of all he was scared to let his guard down and to fall completely in love with Jackson or to let Jackson love him.
The realisation of his fears allowed the silent tears to roll down his face. All he wanted to be was happy. Why did he make things so difficult for everyone?
Aaron sat there a while until the tears dried and the cold breeze made him shiver. He didn't know where to go; to his mum's and face her questions or home. It was time to go home.
eeeeeeeeeeeeeee
He slowly opened the door to the Smithy. The house was silent and in darkness apart from the lamp in the living room. Aaron walked into the lounge to switch the lamp off when he noticed Jackson curled up asleep on the settee.
Aaron walked over to him and sat on the edge of the seat, looking at Jackson. Once again, he felt his emotions rise, catching in his throat as he tried to control them. Without thinking, Aaron reached out and traced his fingers along Jackson's beard.
Feeling the tickle against his cheek and sensing someone sitting over him, Jackson slowly opened his eyes. He saw Aaron's blue eyes staring back at his and he sat up, curling his arms around Aaron's neck and pulling him close.
"Where have you been? You're freezing."
"Just walking, I'm sorry."
"What for? I'm the one that's sorry."
"I should be more patient and I shouldn't have been rude to your mum."
"Well I should have told her to wind her neck in and I should have explained better about the holiday. I'm just going for two weeks. I'm not leaving you for good."
They held each other tightly, Aaron resting his head on Jackson's shoulder.
You're not leaving me at all if I have anything to do with it Aaron thought to himself.