Upon arrival back to the camp, everyone gathered around the truck as it noisily stopped beside Dale's motor home. I sat up on Merle's lap and scanned everyone's faces. Some of their jaws hung open in disbelief; others smiled and covered their mouths. Hopefully, they would never have to know what it took for me to come back. On the ride there, I thought of Mama's face as she started down at her dead son's body. I wondered if she would attempt to come after me, or if she knew she had a snowball's chance in hell of finding me. There was a very slim chance of her actually finding our camp, and even if she did she would be overwhelmed by the amount of us here.
I reached for the door handle and pulled it open. Merle remained seated until I slid myself off of his lap and onto the dir. My knees quivered underneath me as I held onto the back of the truck for support and walked sluggishly towards the tent. No one said a word to either the brothers or me. I could feel their eyes focusing on every gash and tear on my body. I could have only imagined the things running through their heads.
My hands shook and my back ached as I reached down to unzip the tent. I took one step in and stood still in the doorway. My bag was pulled apart. My clothes and other belongings were carelessly thrown about the floor. The other half of the picture Merle had shown to Mama was crumpled up and tossed into a corner. On the bed was my cell phone sitting on one of the pillows. I took another step into the tent and counted to three before I lowered myself to the bed. Before then, I never thought it was very comfortable; but after sitting on concrete for a few days, it was like lying on a cloud.
I slid my finger across the phone's dirty screen and looked at the last thing seen. It was a picture that Merle had presumably taken of me while I slept next to him one night. I shifted my weight and felt something clink on the other side. Underneath the blankets was a half empty bottle of booze and a small tube full of white powder. I examined the tube in my fingers before throwing it to the end of the bed and covering my face with my hands.
The evidence made me believe that Merle had suffered while I was away. He dealt with the pain in the only way he knew how. Under normal circumstances, I would be upset with the discovery of coke in my bed, but this was different. This was my fault. What would have happened if he overdosed and passed away before I returned? I shook my head in an attempt to get the terrible visions out of my head.
Behind me, I heard feet shuffle on top of the tent's floor. I looked over my shoulder to see Merle standing in the doorway. My swollen eyes puffed a little more from the tears flowing from my eyes. I set the phone back down on the bed, and turned myself around so I was facing him. His face was completely void of any emotion. On the outside, he seemed stoic, but I knew better. On the inside, he was screaming at me. On the inside, he had his hands wrapped around my neck. I forced my sore body to relocate itself in front of him, where I dropped to my knees and lowered my head. I knew I was in trouble; and I was ashamed.
Merle took a step forward into the tent, and turned to zip up the door behind him. He continued to stand as I cowered in front of him. The silence filling up the small space screamed in my ears. Every now and then, it was broken by the sound of my tears slapping against the floor. He had nothing to say to me; he was waiting for me to start.
Once I gathered my courage, I gulped and looked up at him. A calm face stared me back in the eyes. I put my head back down. I didn't have the nerve to look him in the eye.
"Merle," I whispered. "I'm so sorry. I didn't know…I just…I had no idea they were there. They snuck up on me and knocked me out…please, don't be angry with me. You were right; you're always right."
I had to stop myself when my voice began to quiver and shake. He still said nothing.
"Merle…PLEASE say something!"
I reached my hand up to touch his, when our skin met, he pulled his hand away. When I realized he'd have nothing to do with me, I wrapped my hands around my shoulders. I did my best to stifle my weeping; but it proved to be very difficult.
He stepped around me and went to the back of the tent. I didn't look up until he unzipped the tent and left. When I turned to see what he took, my heart broke in two. He'd picked up his bag from the corner of the room. Outside, I saw him put his bag in the bed of the truck and his shot gun in the front seat. As he walked around to the driver's side of the truck, I reached back for his drugs and stumbled outside with them. He started to turn the truck around to gain access to the entrance to the camp. I threw the bottle of cocaine at the wind shield; where it shattered and a cloud of white dust erupted.
"Take your drugs with you, you redneck junkie asshole!" I yelled.
He took one last painful look at me before leaving the camp. I took a step back, and fell on my back end. There I sat in the dirt bawling my eyes out while the rest of the camp looked on.
"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU STARING AT?" I screamed at the top of my lungs.
They all quickly dispersed and went about their business. To my right, Daryl stood and glared down at me. He shook his head and grabbed his crossbow. The last I saw of him for the evening was him ducking into the woods.
The rest of the evening, I sat inside the tent and sucked the half empty bottle of whiskey dry. Instead of sleeping, I sat and reflected on the week's events. I had no right to be angry with Merle, but I was. I wiped tears from my face and cursed his name.
When he still wasn't back as the sun started to rise on the new day, I began to worry. I fidgeted and paced back and forth around the camp. Daryl finally got annoyed with my behavior around noon; he'd come back that morning with a dead animal that he sat around the fire and skinned. He got up from where he was sitting and grabbed my arm. He walked me over to one of the logs sitting around the campfire and sat me down.
"Stay here and wait. You're freaking everyone out."
I looked over to see the camp staring back once again. My face turned red with embarrassment; I got up again and hurried down to the lake where I sat for hours on end staring at the water as it slapped up against the beach.
"You alright?"
I turned to see Dale walking towards me. I pulled my knees in closer to my chest and rested my chin on them.
"He was worried, you know. He didn't sleep while you were away. All he wanted to do was wait for the sun to come up so he could go find you."
"You know Dale, surprisingly, that doesn't make me feel much better."
He put a hand on my shoulder and bent down so his eyes were level with mine.
"He'll come around. Don't worry."
I stared up at the sun which was starting to disappear behind the trees.
"What if he doesn't come back?" I asked.
"He will."
"How do you know that?"
"You're here."
Dale's positive outlook made me smile a little. If I smiled too much, the healing wounds on my face would split back open.
"Have you cleaned your cuts yet?"
I shook my head, "No, that's been the last thing on my mind."
"Shame on you! Let's go back up to the RV and I'll help you. You can't keep those unattended, especially that finger."
I stood up and walked behind him back up to the camp. When we reached the top, we heard the rumbling of tires against dirt and promptly turned around. Daryl's truck was coming down the road. On the inside, I saw Merle with his eyes focused forward on the road. As he passed us by, he didn't so much as glance over in my direction. I wished he would have ran me over.
Daryl greeted him after he got out of the truck. After a small exchange of words, they both looked towards me. I stepped backwards down the road, then turned to go back to the lake. I wasn't going to let them gang up on me.
"Chris!" I heard Dale yell from behind me.
I kept going and returned to my comfort zone on top of a rock. I stayed until it was completely dark; I was called for dinner, but I never showed. I stayed and watched the water sway. When I realized it was too dark to see anything in front of me, I started to head back.
The light from the campfire flickered and created menacing looking shadows that danced against our tents. The brothers sat around the fire and talked. When they heard me approaching, they stopped and watched me walk into my tent. I reached up to the top of the tent and turned on the light. I frowned at the sight of the large mess that Merle had made when he went through my things. Although my sides still ached from the movement, I began to pick up my clothes and put them back in my bag. I eventually came across the crumpled up picture in the corner. The colors split and made my old lover nearly unrecognizable. I enclosed the photo in my fist and closed my eyes.
After the tent was clean, I stuck my head out and looked to see if the brothers had gone off to bed. The fire was still going, but there was no sign of them. I stepped out into the night and walked up next to the fire. I opened my hand to reveal the crumpled photo. Before I threw it into the fire, I took one last thoughtful look at it. I would no longer have the photo, but I would always remember every feature of his face. My eyes fixated on the burning photo until it was completely gone.
A large piece of wood plopped on top of the dancing flames; shooting sparks up into the night sky. I jumped back a bit and looked up to see Merle sucking from a glass bottle. One of his legs was propped up on one of the logs around the fire. His shirt was covered in dark dried stains. My hands clasped together in front of me, and my head lowered. I got away from the fire as quickly as I could. When I reached the front of my tent, I took one last look towards him and the fire. He was watching me the entire time. I quickly ducked into the tent.
Part of me wanted to go back out and sit with him around the fire. The other part of me was sure that those days were gone, and he would have rejected me once again. I sighed and lied down on the floor with my back resting on the bed. I bent my head back and stared at the top of the tent. My head shot back up when I heard the door unzip. Merle walked in with his bag over his shoulder. He looked down at me and smiled eerily. He walked over to the corner of the tent and set his bag down. Afterwards, he kicked off his dirty boots and reached up to turn the light off. Then, he flopped on to the bed on his stomach. I watched on silently in confusion.
I'd fallen asleep with my body resting on the floor and my head resting on the inflatable mattress. As the sun came up over camp, I opened my sleepy eyes. Merle had moved to my side of the bed and slept with his face next to mine. I sat up and watched him sleep. Upon inspection of his sleeping body, I looked down at his stained shirt. I reached over and felt the fabric between my fingers.
"Is that blood?"
As I continued to fiddle with his shirt, he reached over and grabbed my hand. I gasped and looked up at him. I finally noticed that the bags under his eyes were much darker than usual. He definitely didn't sleep while I was gone.
Neither of us said anything. His eyes were locked on to my face while mine shifted between his face and his dirty shirt. He finally dropped my hand and moved to sit on the edge of the bed with his hands clasped together in front of him. I was afraid to look at him again, so I kept my head down. I felt him run his fingers through my filthy hair and down under my chin. He moved my head up so I'd look at him.
"They're dead, Chris," he said.