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25. Watch the stars

"Alright, I gotta pull over," Dean said abruptly as he began to slow Baby down. "We're not gonna find a motel tonight, so we'll just have to sleep in Baby."

"I could –"

"No. We're not flying on this road trip. I mean, Australia was an exception and if we're on a hunt then sure, but no. And besides, this isn't the first time we've slept in the car."

Once the car had stopped, Dean turned to Cas.

"You sticking around, Cas? 'Cause you don't need sleep and there's only room for one of us in the front, so you'll be stuck in the back all night."

Cas shifted closer and pressed his lips to Dean's.

"The back seat is fine, Dean. I may not be able to hold you but I can still watch you."

Dean glared at Cas, though with no heat.

"Man, you gotta stop being creepy."

Cas chuckled and kissed Dean again before disappearing with the familiar sound of rustling wings. Dean jumped and a moment later, the angel reappeared in the back seat.

"You couldn't get out like a normal person?"

Cas smiled mischievously. Dean narrowed his eyes.

"You're fucking with me. When'd you get a sense of humour?"

"I believe that I have picked up on yours, so this is entirely your fault."

Dean had to concede the point and shrug; that was something he'd do if he had wings.

"Whatever. 'Night, angel."

"Goodnight, human."

Dean stretched out, trying to find a comfortable position and grimacing until he finally found a way of lying down that only had one seatbelt buckle digging into his side. Knowing that this was as comfortable as he was going to get, he closed his eyes and tried to shut down his racing mind. But since when had he ever been successful in something like that? Groaning, he shifted and let out a grunt when something jabbed his knee. Immediately, fingers ran through his hair.

"Are you okay, Dean? Can't you sleep?"

"'M fine," Dean muttered, wishing that there was enough room for Cas to hold him. Now that he had to sleep without his angel next to him, it began to dawn on him just how much better he'd been sleeping since Cas had joined him in bed and, faced with reminders on all sides that Cas wasn't next to him tonight, it seemed far more impossible that he was going to get to sleep.

"Alright," he said suddenly, sitting up. "I give up."

"What's wrong, Dean?"

"My mind. It's going at a million miles an hour and I can't fucking shut it off."

Cas leaned over the back of the front seat to give Dean a hug.

"You need to calm yourself and allow your mind to relax."

Dean snorted.

"You say that but how? Not like you've ever gone to sleep before. And no, I ain't meditating or doing any of that hippie crap."

Cas gave him a stern look.

"Meditation is actually extremely beneficial and it is the state that I enter when you sleep and I remain with you all night. But I had another idea in mind."

"Yeah?"

"You have been confined in this car all day. Maybe some fresh air will allow you to relax."

It couldn't hurt to try. Dean shrugged and opened the shotgun door.

"Alright, I'm up for it."

Immediately upon closing the car door behind him, Dean was assaulted with chilly night air and although he shivered violently, he had to admit that it was doing the trick; already, his mind felt less heavy and far freer. When a pair of warm arms encircled him, he leaned back into the touch and sighed happily as delicious warmth surged through him.

"You were right, Cas. Getting out of the car's really helping."

Cas frowned.

"Yes but you're cold now."

"Nothing I can't handle. And you're helping with that."

Cas let go of Dean, who began to shiver again as the chill invaded his body. However, it was only for a brief moment to shuck off his trench coat, which the angel then draped over Dean.

"Don't you –?"

"I don't feel the cold if I choose not to. And you clearly need this more than I do."

Dean grinned thankfully as he slipped his arms into the sleeves of the coat and wrapped it around himself. Unable to help himself, he began to sniff it and nearly melted at the near-overwhelming smell of Cas that emanated from it; ozone and rain and something warm and rich and another thing that he couldn't describe but was still just so Cas. Maybe there was something to teenage girls stealing their boyfriends' sweaters. Not that he was a teenage girl or anything!

"Is something the matter, Dean? Does the coat smell? I can clean it if you –"

"Don't you dare! Smells like you. Love it. And – and you."

Cas beamed brilliantly, his teeth gleaming in the dark, and Dean let out a shaky laugh when he realised that this was the closest he'd come to telling his angel that he loved him. Cas wrapped his arms around Dean again and guided him to sit down next to the car, where they leaned against Baby. Having Cas' arms around him was already helping to relax him and, desperate for more of his angel's touch, he snuggled into Cas' side and rested his head on Cas' shoulder. So what if this was the girl's position? He'd already gotten high off his boyfriend's coat, so he couldn't possibly get any girlier.

"I don't remember much about when I was created," Cas began, his eyes fixed on the stars above them. Dean followed his gaze, wondering what Cas was staring at and what he could see that normal human eyes couldn't. "But I do remember the stars being one of the first things that I saw. I was immediately entranced by their beauty, while most other angels simply saw them as another of Father's creations, and that was when I fell in love with His work. I suppose that's also why I fell for humanity; maybe I saw something in them that my brethren did not, just like the stars."

Dean wanted to kiss Cas senseless but his limbs were heavy and his eyelids were beginning to droop. He settled for mouthing a messy, sleepy kiss on Cas' neck.

"I would always take any chance that I could to fly among the stars and admire them closely as a fledgling. Many a time, Heaven would have to send another angel to retrieve me. But I was never punished very severely: mostly lectures about wasting my time with frivolous flights when I could be training to serve Heaven. Perhaps it was because it was Father's work and they were pleased that I found such beauty in it."

Dean struggled to keep his eyes open, to keep listening to Cas' story, but it was getting harder and harder to do so.

"But humans are far more beautiful. There is a spark in every human – even the bad ones – that nothing else can come close to matching. I think I see why Father declared humans His best creations; there is something so inherently unique about you, something unmatchable by any other creation. Even angels. I wish that my brothers and sisters could see what I see because falling for humanity – and you – was one of the best decisions of my life. I have learned so much…and yet they still continue to condemn humans as inferior. They don't understand. They don't see what I see."

Dean was jolted awake by small tremors as the chill began to get to him again. Cas leaned forward for a moment and then something soft was encircling Dean, cocooning him in a blanket of warmth and obscuring his vision with black. Opening his eyes a fraction, Dean saw that it was Cas' big black wings and he grinned sleepily and nuzzled into the one closest to him, chuckling when Cas shivered.

"I love you, Dean. And I can never thank you enough for everything you have done for me. You think that you corrupted me and tore me away from my home but you couldn't be more wrong. You opened my eyes to the beauty of humans and to the corruption in Heaven and taught me that I will always have a choice. And I will choose you every time."

Something hot seemed to shoot through Dean from his stomach. Nearly asleep by now, it was all he could do to keep listening.

"I suppose that is the beauty of free will. Every choice we make has consequences, and we have to live with them. But there is something so incredibly empowering about having the freedom to make these choices and then to live with the consequences, which you can choose to rise to and become stronger by or admit defeat to. And so long as you never admit defeat, Dean, I also will not. You are so much stronger than you realise, to always keep fighting and to never give in despite the bad circumstances you face time and time again. Do you know what I most admire about you? The fact that you have felt so close to giving up time and time again but you haven't – you have chosen to keep fighting, to keep saving people, to keep taking care of your brother and to keep loving. Any other man in your position would crumble long before now. I just hope that one day, you can see yourself as I see you and realise what an incredible man you are, despite your flaws. But humanity's flaws are what makes them perfect; they change and grow from them. Angels are 'flawless', hence why they are so stagnant and resistant to change. And as much as I loathe my own flaws, I am also proud to have them. They remind me who and what I fought for."

If Dean wasn't this far gone, he would have protested against Cas' glowing words about him. But at this point, he was practically already asleep and the last thing he remembered was feeling Cas kiss him on the head and murmur, "Sleep well, Dean. I'll watch over you."