Happy Thanksgiving to anyone who's celebrating it :)

Chapter 25-

Relief

"Alright," Archie clasps his hands and looks at her, his expression serious, somber even, and he doesn't have to voice out the words for her to realize what's coming. She sighs.

"I know" he says in response to her silent, yet very clear, reaction. His voice sympathetic when he reasons "but we've had it coming for months now. It's time." The sentence, and his tone, the perfect mix of determination and soft understanding.

"It is" Regina admits, head bobbing down at her words regardless.

"Tell me a little about you mother, about how it was growing up in your household." he prompts and she simply breathes once, twice and only then begins.

"My mother, she was" Regina pauses to weigh her words "well, she is, a tough woman. Distant, I guess you could say. She immigrated with her family from Russia when she was a girl and that disciplined mentality never really went away." the brunette shrugs and wiggles in her seat in search of a more comfortable position. She fails to find one, as the current rigidness in her body isn't physical at all. "I assume uprooting your life completely and moving across an ocean to a country as un-accepting and hostile towards Russia and Russians as America was at that time couldn't have been easy. I can't know for sure since she never really talked about it. Generally, talking about things like emotions was never really her thing." she swallows and takes a minute to assemble her thoughts.

In a sense, Regina can be quite like her mother when it comes to sharing inner thoughts and emotions with others. She never really took the time to try and understand why she was the way that she was, didn't see the point in trying to analyze it when it obviously wasn't going to change. It's only now, saying those words out-loud that she begins to think that maybe that specific trait was absorbed in the house she grew up in. With her mother being as guarded as she was when Regina was growing up, it wouldn't be that hard to believe that it may have come from there.

"Anyway, she came from a religious family. My dad told me that when she decided to marry him, a Latin American immigrant himself, she received quite the push back. It's funny how they never accepted my dad because of his background and status in this country, when they were struggling immigrants themselves." she let's out a humorless laugh, can't help but still be hurt on behalf of her dad. He always seemed to overlook that, he wasn't bothered by it, or at least so he presented, but Regina remembers the sting behind her eyes and the tight clenching of her fists in the very few times they had interacted with the family on her mother's side. She remembers how they used to wordlessly blame her dad for Regina's darker complexion, even though her mother had brown eyes and dark brown hair herself. It annoyed her greatly, how blind, prejudiced and unaccepting they were.

She simply blinks for a moment, when she realizes she had mentally taken off. She refocuses on the man in front of her and picks up from where she left.

"I assume that was always there in the background, their disapproval and that it probably wasn't easy on my parents' marriage. I think that a few years in the love wasn't there anymore," Regina discloses thoughtfully, analyzing the topic for the first time. "but I don't think divorce was really an option, ever. Which would explain the constant tension in the house. They were actually a really incompatible pairing if you ask me; my dad was very warm and loving, filled with joy and enthusiasm for practically everything out there, while my mom was extremely calculated and career oriented with very little attention span to anything that wasn't lobbying or practical excellence. Sometimes I think that she got married and had me because that's what her family wanted, because that's what was expected from a woman in her time and from her culture. I think she would choose to concentrate on her job if she could, and not have me." Regina finishes quietly. It's a terribly saddening thought to have, but still, the brunette is pretty sure it's the truth. She clears her throat and continues before Archie has a chance to dawdle on it.

"Anyway, as you can expect from a busy, successful lobbyist, my mother was never really around. Even when she was physically there, she really wasn't. But her aura definitely lingered in the house, even in her absence. She made the rules and we all followed."

"What kind of interaction did you have with her when she was there?" Archie asks and Regina tries her hardest not to look up at him. She has a feeling that the main emotion screaming from his face right now is pity, and she has zero intention or will to face that. Instead, she takes a moment to detach herself even further, mentally draws the toxic words and thoughts from the repressed part of her head and quickly pushes them away from her chest and stomach and straight through her mouth and out.

"We didn't really talk about anything other than school, after class activities. You know..." she trails off with a shrug, holding on to the blessed neutrality in her face and the stillness in her body that had saved her thus far whenever she had to face things she didn't want to face. It doesn't matter to her that Archie can see right through that by now, this show isn't for him anyway.

"Anything?" Archie asks, looking and sounding surprised at that statement, at the thought of a mother and daughter not exchanging words, having a conversation, expressing or showing affection, emotions. Suddenly it's not so hard to understand why the brunette's first instinct is to detach and isolate herself.

"I remember going to her once when I was picked on at school and her response went something like 'make sure they don't have anything to pick on you for and you won't have a problem'" she provides thoughtfully as she returns to that moment for a second. It isn't a valid answer, she knows now that it isn't, but a twelve years old version of herself couldn't really understand the concept of emotional support in parenting, or that there should be one to begin with. Instead, she merely listened to her mother and tried to follow her guidance; despite everything they disagreed on, Regina did look up to her mom. In fact, she distinctively remembers looking at the way her mom went on to run her life, how it didn't promote criticism towards her but rather against Regina herself; The brunette was sure she was the one being wrong, weak, overly sensitive. So unlike her mother, that seemed strong and successful, confident. In fact, it was that exact confidence that conveyed to Regina with no alternative option, that her mother must know what she's talking about. And so she complied.

She catches the purse of Archie's lips at her answer, watches it disappear as quickly as it appeared. Then waits for the professional neutrality to take over his face before he asks next.

"How did it feel to hear something like that from your mother?"

She pauses before replying, frowning. "I don't know." she replies honestly "I don't think I expected anything from her to begin with. I don't remember why I came to her that time, but I made sure to refrain from coming to her with those type of things after that."

"So who did you turn to when you felt like you needed to talk to someone?"

"My dad. But it was around that time that he started to get sick, and then it seemed irrelevant, egocentric even, how hurt I was over some kid laughing at my diligence at school comparing to what he had to deal with."

She neglects to mention how she wanted to spare him those stories, feeling as if they could only weigh on him further when he needed to concentrate on getting better; how she put on a smile and lied to him that everything was fine, great even, and how he was too ill to detect her horrible lying like he used to before that; how that realization pound her heart, brought her to tears, all while making her see how important it was that she kept strong for him.

"I see" Archie hums and scribbles something in his pad. She sighs and shakes her head slightly at that, stops herself from insisting that a lot of people grow up in complicated situations or get an unwanted attention every once in a while, that that's life; knows it will only make things even more prominent and serious from his point of view. She would seem defensive. Therefore, she takes a moment to choose her words and find her calm, collected voice before she speaks next.

"Look, it happens to every kid to some extent. I knew there was no reason to fight it, it would have drawn more unwanted attention. You just have to learn to take it without responding, and not pay too much mind into it. At one point or another they give up. I knew it wasn't true, the things they said about me, I knew school was just a few years in comparison to a lifetime of being successful in my adult years. I knew it was bound to dissipate at some point and it did, and I'm okay" she insists, dismisses almost. But even she isn't sure she believes her words, as convinced as she may sound on the outside. Archie doesn't respond immediately, instead scans her face for what feels like a full minute before he lets out a deep breath and clears his throat.

"And as for your dad?" he asks and she can't help the slight pained flinch. She sucks in a breath and shrugs in response, the move attempting at nonchalance, the painful stark opposite from the storm of emotions present in her eyes. They're quiet for a few more minutes, until Archie realizes he isn't going to receive an answer for his last question.

Regina isn't sure why she's so intent on keeping that time in her life from him, especially after talking about the more recent events she has gone through. It seems like her childhood is a territory she truly wants untapped into. Maybe it's because she had managed to move on past those scars, and is reluctant to bring it back up, even finds it unnecessary. Or maybe, even though she truly trusts Archie, she can only share things that feel like would drown her if remained untreated. Maybe, those very few walls that are left standing up, the ones protecting those dormant emotions that are not visible to him or her due to the long long time that has passed since they imprinted themselves on her soul, are what gives her a faint sense of safety; that the fact that some things are still hers and hers only make her feel as if there are still barriers left to protect her, even if very few.

She can't decide how she feels about that. Knowing that in a sense her mechanism is still there, only now just for a portion of herself and not her whole. She wonders if that lessens from the progress she thought she had made, as it is obvious that she is still guarded about the things she can afford being guarded about.

Mixed with the disheartment she feels about that, is blind defensiveness. Archie wouldn't understand anyway.

Every person experiences grief differently.

How would she articulate, put into words, the complete sense of helplessness when the world she lived in fell apart around her, burying her alive in it. How can she begin to describe the feeling of mentally gasping for air, knowing this wasn't physical but an emotion, that no large gulp of air could ease that stifling she felt, make it go away. Because it's mental, and there's nothing that could be done about it; no matter how many deep breaths she had taken, she was still choking. Because it wasn't real. Yet it was more real than anything else that was happening in her life, was the only thing she could concentrate on; that constant pressure in her chest that threatened to send her to the ground at any given moment, so constricting and painful that she was surprised that it hadn't stopped her heart from beating already. All of those emotions, that a girl her age wouldn't possibly be able to truly comprehend for years to follow, the absolute terror of experiencing something she didn't and couldn't understand.

And then, the worst happened. After praying for that feeling to go away, suddenly there was this numbness, that complete silent void that yanked at her ears, and stung her eyes, and stilled her heart; then, she found herself missing the pain.

Yet, when it did come back eventually, she cursed it as it blasted her body, burning it from the very core to the tips of her toes; this inexplicable pressure in her chest, untouchable and unreachable, that had her folding in half. She found herself torn between wanting that hell to end and fearing the meaning of it dulling. She was afraid to move on, to forget, it scared her more than anything.

Those words flood Regina's insides in a matter of seconds, clogging her throat and scratching at the inside of her chest. She pursues her mouth into a thin line and tries to pretend that her vision isn't blurry all of a sudden from heavy salty tears threatening to fall in front of the person she just assured she was okay.

And yet, simmering from underneath the thick coat of agony from those emotions is relief. Relief at this exact fear being proved wrong.

She's heavy with emotions when she walks out of Archie's office that day.

Even though the rest of the session was spent talking about things like her future career options and her plans to go to Chicago, topics she considered encouraging if not uplifting, Regina still felt positively drained. The exhaustion, as physical as it felt in this afternoon, stemmed from the emotional and mental hoops she jumped through in this session.

She feels an itching need to do something, to fight the slight murkiness that lurks in the shadows of her mood since leaving Archie's office. So much that it beats her desire to just get in bed and think of nothing for a few good hours.

Instead, she stops by at the grocery store and picks up a few things in order to make dinner. Knowing cooking won't just help her distract herself but actually actively make her feel better.

As she goes up the few stairs to her building she passes all the bags to her left hand while her right one fishes for the keys. She uses her body to push the door open and takes a quick step to dodge it as it immediately moves to close. She smiles to herself over absolutely nothing and goes to check her mailbox. She opens it carelessly, expecting to find it empty as it always is, but is surprised at the white envelop that lands on the floor with soft whooshing sound. She stares at it for moment with a frown etched on her face before huffing a little as she bends to pick it up while trying to keep the begs from colliding with the ground at the movement. The minute she turns it in her hand she knows exactly what it is, yet it doesn't stop her heart from hammering against her rib-cage when examining the familiar logo printed on the envelope's left corner. Still holding to it, a little too forcefully than needed, she makes the rest of the way to her apartment. With slightly shaking hands she manages to insert the keys in the lock. That, after the shortest of struggles, but a struggle nonetheless. She opens the door and steps inside. Despite the sheer heat radiating from that envelope Regina places it on the counter and tends to organizing the groceries in their rightful place. She then reaches the top cabinet and takes out her favorite crystal tumbler. She pairs the sheer shiny vessel with the warm brown liquid she favors when it comes to a drink. She holds it still on the table for a moment, two, three, and then lifts it to her lips and downs at least half of it in one go. She breathes out with relief almost as she concentrates on the liquid's route to her empty stomach, feeling it coating her insides with tingling warmness that only alcohol can provide.

It takes her another minute or so to finish the glass, and only once it is empty Regina directs her gaze on the envelope still patiently waiting to be addressed. She moves to stand in front of it, opens it with slightly shaking hands. It takes her a moment of fumbling with the page until it's unfolded and facing her. She stares at it for a while before she actually begins to read its content. It doesn't surprise her in the slightest, she has expected this letter for a good few weeks, months even. But what does surprise her is the relief she feels in her chest reading those words; words that would more likely upset and stress anyone other than herself. Yet to Regina it is exactly that, relieving.

It's over. And as scary as it is to realize what that means, that she now has to move forward, that there's no turning back, it is also liberating to know that it is over.

It is over.

Her breath hitches as she lets that understanding fill her from the inside. Teeth sinking into her wobbly lower lip as she reads the letter three more times to ensure she isn't just seeing the things she wishes to see. But no, it is what's written there, literally black on white, and her sight turns blurry in a matter of seconds. And even though she can't see the small printed font on the page anymore, it is printed in her head, bold and clear.

Dear Ms. Mills,

I am writing to you regarding the termination of your employment in the company of Goldman, Blanchard and Assoc.

As you are not physically present in the company's headquarter and hasn't been in over ten months the preferred option to conduct this conversation face-to -face in a designated meeting was prevented from us. Therefore, please address this formal letter as the legal notification that your employment in Goldman, Blanchard and Associates. is terminated affecting immediately...

...Please note that it is within your rights to request a face to face meeting if it is in your ability to arrive to the company's headquarter. If not, the details of your department will be handled via secure email correspondence. For more information, as well as initiating the process of departure, please contact the company's phone number stated in the upper left corner under the company's name and address and ask to be referred to the HR department in regards to your employment termination.

Yours sincerely,

Iris Clark
Head of HR dept

"It's over" she fires as soon as Kathryn picks up the phone, a blinding smile conquering her face almost immediately.

"Hello to you too" Kathryn replies slowly. She sounds tired, and on any other day Regina would take a moment to make sure the blonde was okay, ask her about her day, and generally be a considerate human being and a friend. But today she feels that she can be excused if she just got straight to the point, she deserves this. Not that she could hold herself even if she didn't think so.

"What's over?" the blonde questions after a moment of silence.

"They fired me!" she calls excitedly into her phone, unconsciously pressing the device to her ear, not minding its usually annoying heat against her skin just this once.

"They fired you?" Kathryn repeats, sounding significantly more alert than moments prior.

"Hmm" Regina confirms with an excited hum and begins to pace her apartment in a lack of a better way to utilize her restlessness. "Just received the formal employment termination letter."

"What did it say?" Kathryn asks and there are ruffling sounds from her end and a babe come here, where are you going? sounded in the background. Feeling especially giddy that moment Regina finds herself giggling.

"Am I interrupting you?" she inquires teasingly and can practically see the blonde rolling her eyes when she responds

"We were just watching some TV, nothing important." she assures, and it's followed by Excuse me?! Since when am I not important?

Regina laughs freely as she listens to Kathryn chastise her husband. "It's just The Voice, calm down Fred, Regina just got fired." she provides and the silence that follows makes Regina realize that to any other person that might not sound like the good news the pair of them were making it to be. Oh. Sorry to hear that. You should take that call, honey.

"No that's a good thi- you know what? Yes, I should, thank you for understanding." Kathryn says, places a loud enough kiss for Regina to hear on his forehead and then the line is filled with soft padding sounds and the decreasing volume of the TV.

"Sorry about that" she says apologetically, the creak of the bed springs, screaming as they're being pressed down by her weight, accompanying her words.

"Don't worry about it. I'm in a pretty good mood," Regina lets on "I doubt anything this minor can ruin it right now."

"Look at you, Regina Mills!" the blonde calls out with amusement, humor and fondness all lacing her voice, and the brunette finds herself chuckling again. "I wish I was in New York, we could have gone out and celebrate the good news."

"I wish you were here too, Kat" Regina replies sincerely and takes a seat on the couch once the excitement subsides a little.

"Well, you have anther blonde in your life now, she can take you out to celebrate." Kathryn suggests, and her cheekiness manages to come through to Regina just fine, even without being able to see the confident satisfied expression the outta be accompanying her words. The brunette rolls her eyes, glad that her best friend isn't there to watch her cheeks warm up at the mention of Emma.

"Thank you very much for that Kathryn, really" she says grumpily and smiles when Kathryn's laughter fills the line.

"Come on, Regina, I'm just joking." she teases "I thought nothing could ruin your good mood."

Regina tries to keep her voice neutral when she replies with "Well, you have the talent to prove me wrong in this aspect. No one can bring me down as much as you." she smirks when she hears her friend bristle.

"Shut up, you love me."

"That I do" Regina smiles warmly to herself, and takes a moment to appreciate how great her best friend is.

It kind of makes her feel a little guilty, taking things with Emma to a whole new level and not letting Kathryn know about that. Whatever Emma and her are doing, that's a big progress, one the Kathryn deserves to know about. Her friend would feel nothing but happiness for her, the brunette knows that, is sure of it. Yet the words remained unuttered whenever they spoke. It was a little more complicated than simply saying I'm dating someone, since Emma happens to be a woman. And so is Regina.

It's not as if the brunette had ever mentioned liking women in addition to men. In fact, she tried her hardest to hide the faintest of traces when it came to her attraction to her own sex, especially whenever she was near anybody she knew. Kathryn, wasn't an exception.

Only now it seems as if the relief and relative sense of comfort the brunette used to draw from this aspect of her life being kept hidden from everyone is outweighed by the guilt and sudden urge to share this information with her very best friend.

"Regina, are you there?" Kathryn's voice invades her thoughts a moment later. She bites her lip.

"Yes I'm here, sorry."

"Where did you go?"

"Nowhere, I just-" she breathes deeply and closes her eyes, she thinks of Emma and Kathryn and how both of them do not deserve this; Whatever it is she has with Emma being treated as a dirty little secret, Kathryn having secrets kept from her when she had been nothing but supportive all along.

"I wanted to talk to you about something." she finishes her sentence after taking a moment to gather her courage.

"Okay" Kathryn replies, her voice turning concerned at the sudden turn the conversation took.

"It's nothing bad" Regina assures, immediately detecting the change in her best friend's voice. At lease I hope so she thinks to herself, only now considering the option of a not so accepting response. She shakes her head at this absurd thought, relays to herself that it is absolutely ridiculous to think that Kathryn would be anything but supportive, no matter the circumstances. It doesn't stop Regina from freezing, from hesitance to clog to every cell in her body. Besides her slip with Katelyn a few weeks back, Regina had never said those words out loud, especially not to anyone who had known her for as long as Kathryn did. The mere action of voicing this out has been scary to the brunette, regardless of the recipient of this confession.

She truly believed this would never come up, was absolutely positive and confident in her decision to never address the 'women' part of her sexual attraction. It was the incident, in a sense, that forced her to face that topic again, when the image, the mere thought of men, was tainted in a way that felt like beyond repair. It was only when pushed to the corner and faced with the possibility of never loving and wanting again that Regina found the courage, or rather pure survival instinct, to admit to herself that there was another way, another option. Only when realizing that, Regina let herself feel what she had repressed for so many years, let the blinding, overwhelming wave of authenticity wash over her body and soul, coat her in somber realization of the complete useless repetitive hurt she had put herself through; the cruel act of ignoring what was an undeniable and inseparable part of her. It is only now, after letting herself feel for another woman, that Regina realizes what she had denied herself. She can only imagine the weight that would lift off of her at letting herself be, not only to herself but near others as well. It's this understanding, this passionate regret and will to make the future better that pushes the words out of her in a stream.

"I like women. I like Emma. We're dating." the sentences spill from her lips quickly, her voice urgent as each and every word is voiced with determination and importance.

There's a moment of silence, deafening silence, that seems to stretch in Regina's head for much longer than it actually is. Her body stills completely, the breath she had just taken stuck uncomfortably somewhere between her mouth and lunges as she waits for a response.

"Finally" Kathryn calls out eventually, sounding relived.

Regina frowns so deeply it almost hurts. Of all the responses her mind has been able to conjure in that short pause, this definitely hasn't been one of them. "Finally?" she repeats, overwhelmingly confused "You knew?"

"Of course" Kathryn replies calmly, the two words manage to hit Regina in the chest with a force of a block.

"I- I mean- But how-" Regina stumbles over her words, a direct influence of her as-confused brain. She's grateful when Kathryn steps in.

"How did I know?" she asks rhetorically, but the brunette still finds herself nodding wordlessly. "Honey, I've been your best friend since college. I would have to be pretty damn blind to have missed it."

"Was it that obvious?" Regina asks, her voice almost a whisper.

"To me, yes. It didn't require a lot to realize that, just paying attention to you."

"I didn't realize" the brunette confesses, speaking more to herself more than anything at that moment. She swallows thickly, wincing at the very present lump in her throat at the thought of how many more people in her life may have noticed it. She doesn't know why she finds it as terrifying as she does, that it might be obvious to others as it was to Kathryn. Maybe, because it is yet another thing she thought only she knew, but in fact wasn't. For some reason, secrecy and vagueness spelled as safety to Regina, and as time passes she being stripped of them one by one, leaving her exposed.

"Come on Regina, I though we've established a long time ago that despite my light hair color, there's is at least one or two brain cells in there." she says lightly, and again, Regina is thankful for her friend's ability to navigate situations using her humor. She finds herself chuckling, even if slightly hoarsely. "I'm observant, and I'm your best friend, did you really think I wouldn't notice? I had to be a very bad friend not to notice."

"I'm just surprised" the brunette admits softly "that's all"

"I think it's absolutely beautiful, 'Gina" Kathryn stresses, washed by a sudden urge to reassure the brunette of her thoughts, make sure she knows and understands that they are all, without exception, positive and accepting. "You actually have an option" she says, as if all of a sudden realizing that. "You can choose. Oh god, you can choose!" she repeats and the Regina smiles at her words, at Kathryn's completely weirdly twisted, unrelated, unique, preciously perfect response. "Men can be so incompetent, I can't believe you can just say fuck that and hop over to the other side. I'm so jealous." she groans and Regina laughs, her chest overwhelmingly warm with emotions.

Is this what true, genuine, accepting feels like? Because it is pretty darn great.

"I love you Kathryn" she says, any smart retort crumbling in the face of the pure affection she feels towards the other woman.

"I love you too, darling"