Chapter 24 EPOV

I was livid. No, I was pissed. Livid was most likely the politically correct description, but pissed described my feelings more accurately.

Angela agreed to go to Rwanda for her research against everything that we had talked about. Regardless of what I said or how I appealed to her, there was no changing her mind. She said that if everything went well, she might not have to take anymore long trips like this because she would have established her name within medicine. My question to her was: sounds good but what happens when the next medical discovery comes around, how will you be able to resist?

I, at least, knew my wife well enough to know that her ambition would always trump anything else in her life. As much as it disappointed me to admit it, it trumped her own family as well.

I had thought we were making a little progress. Angela had made an effort to be home more for the twins at breakfast time and left for work later. She still worked late most nights, but made sure to take off at least one day a week. Whenever I noticed something extra that she would do, I would comment on it and tell her how pleased I was.

Well, that turned around to bite me in the ass when she announced this last venture.

We were home alone with the kids when she told me.

"Edward, I have the most exciting news… well, remember that I told you how I've been working on pulling together a team to test our ideas on cheaper infant vaccines in London? One of the grants came through! If our theory is sound, I think we'd be able to come up with a more potent cocktail that could target more diseases and cut down on required doses. The most important part is to be able to demonstrate that it can be done locally with low cost. My team mates from London School have a pilot project going on in the western part of Rwanda, so we can use their installation to run the study. The best part is they are letting me head up the Rwanda team! Isn't that great?"

"I don't think I understand," I told her, my heart already filling with dread. "How can you head up a team in Rwanda from Chicago?"

"Obviously that isn't possible, Edward… I have to go to Rwanda. Don't you get what this means for my career, Edward? If I can pull this off, I could be the next Jonas Salk!" she said excitedly before continuing. "Ok, I know I'm exaggerating, maybe not Jonas Salk. But this really could be my big break. I mean, I have been working on it for years, and now I actually have a shot at trying out my theories in the field! If I'm right, this will save millions of dollars in vaccine production, which means millions more children will get the chance to live past their fifth birthday. I would be the one of the people who made that possible. Don't you see how important this is?"

"What?" I screamed at her.

"Now Edward, before you get upset-"

"Before I get upset? Ang, I'm already there. I can't believe you! I….I…." I began raking my hands mercilessly through my hair in frustration. "I don't even know what to say to this. Quite frankly, I'm in shock. You couldn't possibly think I would be happy about this or find it 'exciting' as you put it."

"Actually, yes I did. I've been making an effort on your behalf, and for the kids, to be here more and to show you that you're wrong about me and my choices. You always said you would support me in my career, and now the most unique opportunity comes up and you can't be happy for me? For us?"

"For us? For us? This isn't about us, Ang and you know it. We have more than enough money for us to live on even if we both didn't work, so that's not an issue. The only one this benefits is you and your undying ambition," I threw back at her.

"Edward, this is the chance of a lifetime for anyone in my field. No one gets this kind of offer at my age and experience level. It's usually offered to senior researchers who have already established themselves in this field. I don't know if a chance like this will ever come up for me again if I don't take it this time. "

"Damn it Angela, this is exactly what I have been trying to tell you! Who does this kind of thing? No one! Not when their children are so young," I yelled at her. I was boiling and I needed to get it out.

"Edward, lower your voice. You'll wake the twins," she admonished me. I didn't care. I would have my say and be damned if the kids woke up. This point was worth fighting over.

"I will not lower my voice until you come to your senses. Please tell me you're not seriously contemplating this? How long this time, huh? Six months? A year? Here's an idea; why don't you just move out there indefinitely and come back when the kids graduate from college?"

"Now you're really being childish, Edward. At most it will be six months, at best three. I will have full access to state of the art computers so we can do the webcam thing again, and I might be able to come back once or twice briefly during that time, if everything goes well. It's not as bad as you think!"

"Oh, I see." My voice lowered and became deadly quiet. "You're not discussing this with me. You've already decided to go and you're telling me about it, which means this must've been in the planning stages for a while. How long have you known, Ang? How long have you known that you were leaving your family in the lurch?"

"God, Edward you're really being overly dramatic now. Yes, it's been in the planning stages, and I was a part of that for the last few weeks. They didn't ask me to head up the team until a few days ago. I thought my colleague was going to do it but he has some physical issues that are keeping him home, so they offered it to me. That's exactly my point. I wasn't even their first choice, and now that I have the chance, I can't turn it down."

"There's something seriously wrong with you, Ang. You're not only leaving your family for an extended period of time, leaving your babies who need you, but you're doing it in a country that's completely volatile. Haven't you even thought about the risks? I don't even know that much about Rwanda but I know it's dangerous!"

"Don't be so melodramatic, Edward! Things have been perfectly peaceful in Rwanda for years now! The genocide was like 20 years ago. Things are back to normal. In any case, I will be staying with my team inside the compound. I'll be fine."

"And what about Ethan and Hannah?" I asked her quietly.

"I'm going to ask Bella to stay on," she said.

"Oh no you're not," I told her. "That girl has worked her ass off for us for way too long. I'm sure we've already broken every au pair rule for the number of hours she works. She wants to travel and she needs her life back. You can't do this to her."

"Edward, this is the best for the twins. I'm going to do this one way or an another. Do you really want us to start off with someone new who has no relationship with Ethan and Hanna while I'm gone?"

She stared at me pointedly and waited for me to reply.

"Well, do you?" she asked.

I became very quiet. I stared off into space. My Heaven and Hell rolled up into one. The one person I couldn't imagine saying goodbye to was the one person who needed to leave; Bella. How would I deal with her being here alone with me again? Things were already tortuous for me with her.

"I think it would also be best to hire a back-up nanny. You know, to relieve all of Bella's hours. She can still go to school and watch the kids, but the nanny will keep her from working so much. At the same time, the pressure will be off of you to be here so much so you can concentrate on work-" she explained.

I interrupted her right there. "I'm not you, Ang. I want to be here as often as I can… my job be damned. So don't use me as some kind of excuse to assuage your guilt."

"I don't feel guilty, Edward."

And there it was.

"That's your whole problem, Ang. You should feel guilty and you don't. It doesn't even occur to you how you're tearing us all apart here. And while you're gone and other people are raising your children, you won't feel bad even then. I guess there isn't much more to say is there? I can't make you want to be with us, and clearly you don't want to be."

With that I went upstairs. I slept in the guest room that night. I couldn't stomach the idea of sleeping next to her.

I was so disappointed and hurt. And I was scared.

I was scared that we wouldn't make it after this decision of hers. How was I to keep myself from resenting her for the choices she made?

I was scared for her. Rwanda; a volatile country where she would be alone, and I wouldn't be able to watch out for her.

I was also scared for the children. What long-term effect would this have on them? I had to convince Angela not to take this trip. I didn't know how but I had to find a way.

And I was scared for me. How was I to cope with being alone in the house with Bella again? This time for six months! I was a strong person but no one was Hercules, and it would take a Herculean effort on my part to keep myself from Bella.

Over the next week I pleaded and begged Angela to change her mind, but to no avail. She said it was too late to change her mind. That it would set back the whole project months if she did so, and there was no one else to take her place even if she agreed with me.

I was so hurt I couldn't bring myself to have anything but bare minimum conversations with her. I continued to sleep in the guest room. I guess in some adolescent way I thought perhaps she would react to my passive aggressive behavior, but she didn't. She was quiet and never acknowledged what I was doing.

The day before she was leaving I had to work all day. I hadn't volunteered to work, but I also hadn't requested to have the day off so we could spend it together before she left. She accused me of doing it deliberately and I supposed on some level that I had.

When I got home late that night I went to our bedroom. I stood in the doorway and watched her sleep. After a long while I got under the covers with her. I snuggled up to her while she slept and she responded by turning around in my arms and holding on to me as well.

"I'm sorry," she whispered quietly.

"Me too, Ang," I told her.

We fell asleep in each other's arms. I couldn't face the idea of her leaving with us so cold to each other. That was why I had gone back to our bedroom that night. Normally I guessed I would've tried to make love to her as a small way of saying goodbye but I couldn't bring myself to do it. The last thing I wanted to do was have sex.

I also didn't want her to leave without knowing on some level that though I was still very upset. I still cared for her. She would be gone a long time after all, and she needed to know that her family still loved her.

The twins and I had breakfast with her in the morning and then took her to the airport. As we stood in front of the start of the security line I made one last attempt to change her mind.

"Angela, please baby, I'm begging you. Don't go. Please. We need you." I grabbed her into a tight hug and whispered into her neck, "We need you Angela, please."

She pulled away from me briskly. "Edward, don't. This is hard enough for me as it is. You know I have to go. I don't have a choice anymore."

"You always have a choice, Ang. And I don't think it's hard for you at all." I stared at her. There was a long awkward silence. "Well, I guess that's it then. Why don't you say goodbye to the kids. You had better get in line before you miss your plane."

"Edward, I-"

"No, Ang. Forget it. Just go. It's better if you just go now."

She bent over and kissed and hugged the kids in their double carriage. "I love you guys. Take care of Daddy for me."

She stood up and looked at me. Neither one of us knew what to say to the other. She reached up and hugged me quickly.

Then she left.

And she didn't look back.

On my way home from the airport in the car, a single tear escaped my eye as a large lump formed in my throat. I never cried. I didn't exactly know where the tear came from, but it was there and I was grateful that my children were too young to notice it.

I still didn't know how I was going to get through the next six months, but I had to find a way. I also had some big decisions to make where my wife was concerned. I didn't know if I could continue to live like this; playing second fiddle to her job. I also didn't know if I was capable of leaving her and breaking up our family. Angela was a good mother, perhaps not a great mother, but she was there when she could be and she tried. That did count for something.

Didn't it?

Leaving her would mean taking Ethan and Hannah's mommy away from them. Truthfully, this was my biggest problem. I didn't know if I could be the one responsible for that. They deserved to be raised with both of their parents.

At that very moment, in the car alone with the twins, Bella was the least of my worries.

BPOV

The first month that Angela was away was so incredibly busy that I had hardly any time to breathe, let alone fixate on my lonely and pathetic existence. Angela had hired a part time nanny named Monica. She was an older lady, I would guess retirement age, and she was so sweet. The twins took to her right away. It was really nice to have an older lady in the home, almost like having a grandmother around.

She was in great shape too. I found out she walked five miles a day and worked out with weights; for her bones, she said. She tried to watch what she ate, but she also said at this stage of the game she wanted to enjoy food too. She was married and her husband also worked part time. Neither one of them really wanted to retire fully as they had so much energy and didn't like staying at home doing nothing. She thought being a nanny would fulfill her since she had no children of her own but would have loved to have had grandkids.

And could she cook! Wow! Whenever I had a free moment, I joined her in the kitchen just to sponge off of her cooking skills. She could have given Julia Child a run for her money.

With Monica being such a complete success at home, Edward took on some extra shifts at work. He told me he was doing this so he could get a week or two off this summer and maybe take a trip with the twins. He was always thinking ahead about what to do with the kids. So different than Angela. Granted she always prepared things for the twins to make their life easier and hopefully better, I did see that, but she never planned to do things with them. Only for them. Both parts were important of course, but children would remember the time spent with them, not the arrangements that were made on their behalf. It was sad but true.

I was grateful that I hardly saw Edward that first month. It made things a little easier. We did, however, speak on the phone a lot. Since Monica was still relatively new, he felt the need to check in often and make sure we were all ok and didn't need anything.

I looked forward to every call. That voice! It was the best part of my day. It started to feel as if we were married. Without the 'honey' and 'sweetheart' of course, but it definitely made me feel much more connected to him than I had felt before.

Alice was thrilled that I was staying on longer, so when I did have free time, we tried to do things together. She had finally given up on trying to set me up. She didn't give up on trying to get me to go out to parties though. I still turned her down. Even though I knew I still had probably six months left, now I just wanted to concentrate on school and the kids. The twins needed me now more than ever, and I had signed up for full time summer school. There was no reason not to now that Monica was helping out.

Emmett would be coming to town in the summer as well. Things had been getting more and more serious with Rosalie, and he told Edward he was considering moving to Chicago. He wanted to go house hunting to see what was out there for him while he was here.

Eventually Jake had stopped calling or trying to contact me altogether. But Alice must have told him that I was staying for another six months because all of a sudden he started calling again. The last voice mail he left me convinced me to call him. He said he had met someone and that he wanted me to meet her.

So I called him.

It was nice to hear his voice. He said he met this girl Leah at the car wash and they had been dating for about five weeks now. He said he was crazy about her. I told him once things had died down a bit with school that we could meet up with Alice. It felt really good to have renewed my friendship with him. I had really missed it.

And so the summer went on.

The one thing I hated about summers in Chicago was the humidity. This summer was no exception. Thank goodness for air conditioning! I felt like my hair was constantly stuck to my face when I left the house.

Edward decided to take July 4th off to celebrate with the twins. Instead of having a BBQ at the house or something, he wanted to take them to the Taste of Chicago. I didn't think it was the best idea because there would be millions of people there, but Edward insisted. He said we could see if Alice and Jasper, and Monica and her husband Bob, wanted to join us. He wanted the kids to see their first fireworks up close.

So that's what we did. And it turned out to be a great day, albeit a hot and sticky one. We all ate too much food at the stands and had a few beers. We had taken the 'L' so no one needed to drive. The kids were having a great time. When the fireworks started, the looks on their faces were priceless. I took hundreds of pictures, trying to capture all of the lost moments for Angela. Even if I didn't understand why she left, I still didn't want her to miss something if I could show her some pictures.

We were all laughing so much and having such a great time. I didn't want it to end. It was the first time I had seen Edward relaxed and smiling in weeks. The twins were our alarm clock that signaled it was time to go home, they were falling asleep in their carriage.

Monica and Bob offered to take them home and put them to bed for us, giving us all a chance to prolong the evening a bit more. I volunteered to come with them but Monica would have none of it. She said I needed a break from school too so I should stay and enjoy myself.

There was a jazz concert in Millennium Park that Edward wanted to see so Alice, Jasper and I tagged along. I wasn't a fan of jazz music but the band was exceptional. We stayed until they stopped playing. Edward wanted to take a cab home but the traffic was impossible, and any available cab was nowhere to be found, so we headed back to the 'L'. Alice and Jasper had to go in a different direction to get home so we parted ways at the concert.

It felt really weird to be walking alone with Edward in the city. The twins were usually always with us. We were never alone like this. As we walked through the crowds of people to get to the station I almost lost him twice. Finally he grabbed my hand and led the way so we wouldn't get separated. I could feel that connection between us as I always did, and it did amazing things to my body that I wasn't prepared for. His hand was large and warm. I held on to him like he was the last man on Earth.

Suddenly, we were standing still at a streetlight waiting for it to turn green. With the throngs of people surrounding us I was pushed up against the side and back of Edward while I held his hand. I felt my nipples harden immediately. It was 90 something degrees outside and my nipples were reacting as if it was subzero weather. Obviously, my physical reaction had nothing to do with the weather and everything to do with Edward, and the fact that my body was touching his from my shoulder to my knee.

I could smell his deodorant and his shampoo from where my cheek was pushed up against his upper arm. I quietly and discretely took in a deep whiff of his scent while we stood there. He didn't seem to notice. My hoo ha, however, did. I should have worn a pantyliner, because my physical reaction to him had just ruined my underwear. My God, how was it possible to get so turned on by a man that didn't notice me as a woman, and who had never touched me sexually?

There was something wrong with me!

The light turned green and we started walking fast again. We got to the 'L' pretty quickly but it was packed. We would have to wait for a few trains before we could get on. Edward hadn't let go of my hand. I knew I should probably drop his hand since we were no longer in a moving crowd, but I couldn't. He probably just hadn't noticed that he was still holding on to me. I was loathe to lose the contact. It would probably never happen again that I could hold his hand like this. So I held on.

We stood on the ramp silently holding hands. It was a comfortable silence. The whole thing just felt right, like I belonged at his side, with him. I could have cried it felt so good.

By the time the third train came by, we were in front to board. I felt Edward hold on tighter to my hand. When the doors opened, everyone rushed inside. There were no seats for us so we had to stand. I reluctantly let go of Edward's hand so I could hold on to something while the train started moving.

We were packed into the 'L' like sardines. I had never traveled on a train that was so full. I could smell every body odor, every cologne - ewwww! Each time the train came to a stop, everyone was jostled a bit and suddenly you were closer to the person next to you than you cared to be. Edward was standing behind me, holding on to the strap above him. I had no such luck as I was too short and I was too far away from the steel bar to hold on to that either.

After the second stop and nearly toppling over for the 3rd time, Edward grabbed me around my waist with his free arm, holding me to him. My back was to his chest and I could feel his breath on my hair. I closed my eyes in near ecstasy. My body was overwrought with all the physical touching I'd had with Edward. I felt myself get wet again. I felt like such an ass for having such little control over my body's reactions to him. This was ridiculous.

At the last stop I was pushed backwards a bit even more directly into Edward and I stumbled slightly, accidentally stepping on his foot. I heard him hiss in reaction and I told him I was so sorry. He told me not to worry about it and we exited the train.

It was only a few blocks home from the station, and with no crowds there was no reason to hold hands again. I thought about what it had felt like to walk next to him with our hands engaged. I missed it. I wondered if I would ever walk next to him again and not remember that short period of time when I could dream about being an intimate part of his life.

Suddenly I felt like crying. I was a glutton for punishment for staying here for the next six months. These feelings for Edward weren't going anywhere and after today they were so much worse. I knew he didn't feel the same for me, but that didn't stop how I felt for him, how I would always feel for him. I pushed down my need to cry, now was not the time to give in to that sadness and then have to come up with yet another lie about why I was crying.

I had never been so grateful for the silence between us. The air was soaked with my internal tension and Edward being the gentleman that he was did not bring it up.

When we finally got home, I thanked him for a wonderful day and headed down to my room. I got in the shower in an attempt to cleanse the strange odors emanating from my body. As the hot water cascaded down my face and hair I let loose the tears I had been holding at bay.

I loved him. God help me, but I did. I wanted him, more than I thought I could possibly want another person. I wanted to touch him everywhere and have him touch me. I wanted to give him my innocence and pledge my love to him forever. He was perfect for me in every way.

Except that he was married to someone else.

And it would never be to me.

A/N

Lullabella98 has re-beta'd this entire story for us! Thank you sweetie…so appreciate it! You are amazing. And so we wanted to warn all the readers that we will have to re-post old chapters. I don't know if this will send you new update alerts or not but just thought we would warn you.

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