A.N: Ok, so who else cried because the end of the Kanan comics, because the end was so good and also it ended wah! Well, at least Depa and young Caleb are established enough so that there aren't more changes to my story. Also, Kamsir is a little shit. And also Chopper this last episode, and his new friend who may be Threepio's other half.

I'm in a rush and can't answer reviews, but thanks for the reviews!

I don't own Star Wars

Chapter 24: Mixed Emotions

I sat quietly in my spot next to Demira as we she rambled on explaining how she discovered the vines overhead. My eyes sometimes trailed to the people that sat around the bonfire eating. How could there be not at least one person who Demira trusts as much as me? I had been trying to come up with a way to tell Demira that I wasn't going to be around for her all the time. When I find my way off this planet I would have to go. Caleb is out there I need to find him, but there has to be someone that Demira trusts here. I don't want to leave knowing she'll probably feel alone again.

Dancing fest began a short time after and Demira left me to go around the bonfire jumping and laughing. Last night I was enjoying the moment, now it just hurts. Maybe because I know she won't enjoy it knowing I'm going. I looked at the other dancers. I'm going to miss a good night like this. Someone passed me a basket of food, and I took it with a smile. They smiled back. I'm going to miss the nights with company. There is nothing like this out there.

Suddenly, the Chief came around to sit next to me. "You don't look very happy? I thought by the way Demira is now, the talk went well."

"It did go well." I assured him with a weak smile. "I've just got a lot on my mind."

"As?"

"Well, with all this talk of Demira trusting me because of our friendship… It will be hard for her when I go."

"Go? You mean when you find a way to get back home?"

Home… If I had one. "Yes."

"Demira should know you would have to leave."

"They way we talk, especially today, it seems like she believes I'll be staying."

"Then you should tell her."

"I've tried, but all I could give her was encouragement over her standing up for me."

"I'm glad you told her, but you have to tell her about—"

"I know but something is just stopping me, I don't know what it is. Usually I'm straight forward but this is different. This is…"

"Demira. I know. You care for her very much. It is common for someone to look at a child they love and tell them the worst of news."

Love? "What-what do you mean?"

"I mean what I say. Like a mother, you will do anything to make Demira happy—"

"Excuse me?" I exclaimed, receiving a few looks from families sitting nearby. What in the Force is he talking about? "A mother?"

The Chief was surprised at my response. "I didn't mean any disrespect saying that. It's just easier to compare such kindness and caring nature to that bond between a mother and a child."

"It was not disrespectful, it was just surprising is all. I mean the last thing I could ever be is a mother."

"Don't think so low of yourself. You'd make an excellent mother." What? "In fact, I thought you already had experience as one. You treat Demira so well you are the mother figure she never had."

I began to feel sick. A mother for Demira….. no, no way! I stood up from my spot on the ground and began to hurry away from the gathering. "Depa Billaba!" The Chief called out as he too got up and followed me. I tried to lose him in the shadows of the night, hiding behind one hut that was surrounded by several others.

As the Chief passed me by, I thought about what he said. Me, a mother figure? I'm a Jedi, or at least was. But that's all I know, right? And the experience of being one? I have none. Caleb was my Padawan but he wasn't my… my son. A pain in my chest began to grow. I cared—care for for him still. I want to find him so he's not on his own, but not because I think of him as my son, right? No, I can't. It's not because the rule of attachments by the Jedi Order that I couldn't. In fact, I told Caleb it was normal for any being to form attachments. It made us understand others so much better that way.. But to see someone as family…. to see Caleb as a son… is that the reason I felt like this? Was it Love that the Chief was talking about earlier? Why I needed to find Caleb? Is that the reason why it's hard for me to leave Demira on her own? Because I want to be with her? "This is all so confusing." I started to think that the pain wasn't pain… but something else.

"Depa Billaba." Came the Chief's voice. I jumped a little but staid where I was as he stood next to me and said, "I'm sorry, I said something again didn't I—"

"You did but it's not your fault. You don't know much about me." He can't understand why I'm struggling with this. "I don't have experience as you think I do. This is all just…. instinct."

"A mother's instinct if you ask me." My jaw dropped at what he said. "But I can see you don't see yourself as one and I respect that. It was rude of me to bring it up. I just had high hopes is all."

"Hope for what?"

"No, no I shouldn't." the Chief insisted.

"Well, the conversation already started, might as well end it."

The Chief sighed and said, "You know how Demira believes she was abandoned, and not many people have made attempts to care for her. And when they try, are at least I try, she thinks she's nothing but a pity case, weak and all. But you, you didn't know who she was and you accepted her, and then in learning who she was you didn't pull away. In fact, you taught her how to be stronger and face her fear."

"Her fear?"

"To be able to do something big that could change how people think of her so that she can make her mark to be part of the Zuri Tribe. The reason Demira trusts you, Depa, is not only because she considered you friends, it's because you've made her better. And because of that she loves you and she thinks you love her back. Like a mother and daughter."

It all made sense. The times I told her something she couldn't understand such as to be her best self. She would ask me why I told her this. She expected me to say it was because I loved her. She thought I trusted her because I love her. Was she right? Is that what this pain was? "But, but just like that?"

"A child would do anything for love when they are lonely, Depa. You should know even without the experience. In fact, our Tribe is based on family." He went over to a hut and even in the dim light from the bonfire far away, I could see on the wall was a symbol painted on it. Two tall figures with a smaller one. The same symbol that Demira wouldn't talk about in the cave. It means Family. "Family is what teaches the Tribe to be strong for each other. It gives a sense of purpose for the young ones so that they can make their mark to be Zuri."

"And since Demira had no such connection…."

"It's hard for her to be Tribe." And that's why Demira loves me, because I'm like family. Then the Chief said, "That's why my hope is, and what I'm trying to ask you…. Is to stay. But, I know you can't. I'm asking too much from you. I mean, I'm asking you to leave your previous life behind. I guess…. I guess I just wanted you to know what you have done for Demira."

The idea of family was mostly foreign to me, so I didn't know how I could be that for Demira. Besides, I can't stay. I was still conflicted with the idea of Caleb being like a son, but since he was still my Padawan, I had to find him. I couldn't stay. "Thank you for telling me." Was all I could say to him. He left me to probably collect my thoughts, but since my mind was all over the place, staying where I was wasn't going to help. I walked out from the cluster of huts and headed back to the bonfire, but when I got there I just stopped. Looking at everyone having a good time, made me want to be a part of it. I had been a part of their world today. Demira took me around, and the people were so nice. And even after I stood up to the Shaman, the people still treated me well at the bonfire. I felt wanted. But I can't stay. And because of all this…. Ilooked around the crowed and found Demira dancing around the bonfire and laughing. Because of Demira, it will be hard for me to leave. I love her. I turned around and decided to sleep early that night.

Sleep never came. Even by the time I heard Demira and the Chief walk in to the hut, I was still awake. I pretended to be asleep so that no conversation could pass between us. As the night went by, I kept thinking about the conversation the Chief and I had. But being near Demira for some reason made it hard for me to think straight. I needed to get out.

I got up quietly from my mat and began to stand up. As I did my eyes landed on my satchel placed in the corner of the hut. I put it there when I first settled in only two nights ago. I slowly went around Demira's hammock and bent down to open up my bag. I reached in and my hand froze when I touched the cool metal of my lightsaber. I was going to go beyond the safe walls of the canyon, and if that was my plan I should take my lightsaber to protect myself. In case I bump into danger… or more importantly my former master. I shook the words he said to me out of my head, to keep them from repeating and probably causing the Force to shift again. I strapped the lightsaber to my hilt and rushed out of the hut as quietly as I could.

Moments later I found myself at the edge the river, at the very end where it turned into a pool before it disappeared in the wide cave. The cave that would lead to the waterfall that hid it from the other side. I went to a cluster of canoes on the sandy bank, grabbed one, get in, and rowed out. I rowed into the cave and went through the space in the waterfall the overhanging rock made. As soon as I got to the other side, I felt a little colder. Maybe it was because it was less sheltered then the village. As soon as I passed the sea of fog, I got to the shore and tied the rope on the canoe to a rock. I was greeted by the creatures that the Tribe road in on my first encounter. Farasi Demira said they were called. I patted one on the neck as I passed it by and began to make my way up the canyon. It grew taller as I took a went farther from the waterfall and followed the direction of the rushing river below.

As I continued on, something in the Force told me to turn back. Really at this point of being so far out, I wasn't going to turn back. Besides, I messed with the Force recently, causing trouble for Demira. I wasn't in the mood to let it happen again for whatever it was trying to do. I needed to think. I stopped and found myself in the middle of the forest. Slowly turning around, I took in every tree and bush that surrounded me, even though it was still dark to see anything else. What was I doing here? I growled as my mind went suddenly blank. I just couldn't keep focused on anything anymore. My head had so many thoughts a questions running through it….and now I am aimlessly wailing through the forest. I was never like this back at the Jedi Temple. But that life is gone. And me….

I'm not the Jedi I used to be…. But I'm not damaged goods either. So what am I? Am I even Depa Billaba anymore? All these new experiences and feelings, I just don't feel like its me? Or is it really new, or perhaps I have experienced it before?

Suddenly, a harsh screech was heard above me and I looked up in time to see a Kurujiri fly over the part of the forest I was in. It wasn't just any regular Kuru…. It was the large yellow one that had been following me around. The one that shows up before there's trouble. Quickly, I looked at my surroundings to see if there was anything off. I didn't see anything, but something in Force told me to look back because someone was coming my way. I put a hand to me lightsaber, getting ready to draw it, nothing came from the direction the Force yielded me. A shadow from the other side did. I quickly darted left as someone took a running leap and came down with their weapon. I stood aside, held my ground, and activated my lightsaber to face Mace Windu as he stood where I had been. He still wore his dark robe but this time he let his hood fall to reveal his scarred face. His one good eye looked at me menacingly as he held out his lightsaber and began to stalk towards me.

"Master, please…." I looked around to see if there were any Stormtroopers, but there was no sign. He's alone, maybe now I can truly talk some sense into him. "Mace Windu. This isn't you. You have to remember me, Depa Billaba, your Padawan."

"An enemy to the Empire." He said, his mechanical like voice deep enough so it sounded almost like an echo. I couldn't help but wince and clenched my fist.

They way he spoke, and that it came out of him, it made the Force around me shift. "No, no, not again." I took a deep breath and let the Force settle.

It was fine at first, but then Mace said, "Loosing control again, Billaba. I taught you better."

I gasped. He does remember. I felt a slight tingle on the back of my mind. I haven't felt that pressure since…. Since I had almost fallen to the dark side. I suddenly became afraid when it happened, and I got so distracted I almost didn't see Mace come charging to me until the last minute. I side stepped away, planted one foot and then swung the other around so that it hit Mace in the back as he passed by. He growled and turned around, swiping his lightsaber towards me. It missed my chest by inches. I stepped back and held out my lightsaber so that we faced each other again. The Force around me shifted but I tried to calm it down.

As Mace swung his lightsaber and I blocked all his attacks, he said, "Your Padawan could probably control it better, then again, he's not alive to do so." I clenched my teeth out of the pain I felt from that comment. All I could do was swipe my lightsaber and the bring it up to push it against Mace's. He only lost balance for a slight second but then got on his feet and held out a hand. He used a Force push attack and I was flung to the ground. I managed to hold on to my lightsaber, but that was all my mind could focus on. As I tried to get back up, I tried to push away what he had said. I knew Caleb was alive, he didn't. This shouldn't affect me in the slightest. But the Force around me could not be still and some stones and bits of grass lifted off the ground. No! I calmed my mind and the pebbles and grass fell back to the ground.

I stood up in time to duck left as Mace came and tried to slice my head clean off. I got to my feet and swiped below his feet. He jumped over me and I slid under. When I got to my feet I felt a kicked on my back and fell to the ground. I tried to recover by turning around and holding my lightsaber out. I was force to stay on the ground seeing Mace had his lightsaber out aimed at me. He said almost disappointedly, "Almost a shame to see such potential go to waste."

The Force shifted around me again and I closed my eyes. Why was this happening? It was because he was playing me. He was trying to remind me of my past failures. Though I had felt the slight tingle of the dark side trying to pull me, I knew it couldn't take control of me. I was long passed that. I was not damaged. But the Force becoming uncontrollable that was something else. It was reacting to all the other feelings I felt that Mace tried to remind me of. For Caleb, not being able to protect both him and I and now, not to Mace's knowledge, is out there alone fending for himself. And all these other feelings, these conflicts. Of who I was? Did I love? Was this still Mace? Was it I felt about Caleb? Demira? What was happening?!

As Mace pulled back his lightsaber to come down for the kill, I felt the pressure take over. Without thinking I used the Force to push Mace back. I made sure it wasn't too hard, but he did tumble to the ground until his back hit a tree. He didn't get knocked out, but he did hit his back hard enough to make him immobile for a few moments.

Those few moments were quiet, but it was enough for me to sense the Force telling me to look my right and actually pay attention for once. I did, and my mouth dropped. I saw behind a line of trees and poking their head out of from behind the bush, was Demira. What was she doing here? Did she hear me leave and followed?

Her eyes darted between me and Mace. And then they landed on the lightsaber in my hand. She knows…. She saw… Her eyes went wide in fear as she saw me notice her. She was afraid. The Chief and the Shaman did say they sided with the Jedi, but there was still something they hadn't let on that told me they were still afraid of Jedi. After all, the Shaman did describe Jedi to have unimaginable powers, and the Tribe was afraid of anything unimaginable. I deactivated my lightsaber and held up an assuring hand as I said, "Demira, it's ok—"

As soon as I took a step forward she darted away into the trees. "Demira!" I called out as I ran after her.

.

A.N: So much is happening I don't think I can say it all. Depa's emotions are all over the place, but when fighting Mace it gets. Now that Demira saw it all, what will she do next? That's what you'll have to wait to find out! I'm KikaKatTIOI, peace out!