A/N: Wow! The response to the last chapter blew me away! Thanks for all your reviews and to those who were moved to review for the first time.

I have to admit that I cried while writing it too. I love these guys, they're almost like my kids – I feel their pain.

Also, my story "Fantasies" came second in the Peenater's Jasper/Alice Songfic Smut competition. A big hug and thanks to all those that voted for it. I was thrilled to come a close second!

Chapter 25

Alice would never remember afterwards how she made it home that night. Somehow her autopilot kicked in and she drove home without conscious thought.

Not bothering to turn on the lights, Alice sat in the dark, rocking back and forth in her agony, the tears temporarily dried up. Her mind was numb at the moment, like it was trying to protect her from the agonising truth, that she'd removed Jasper from her life.

The doorbell rang and Alice walked slowly to let Bella in. She felt old, everything hurt. She opened the door and heard Bella's gasp of shock.

"Alice! Oh my god, what's happened?" cried Bella, unable to believe Alice's appearance. Taking Alice in her arms she closed the door and turned on the light, before leading Alice to the lounge. Alice hadn't said a word yet.

"Alice, talk to me. What happened to you?" asked Bella, worried sick about her best friend. She'd never seen Alice in a state like this. "Is it Jasper?"

At the mention of his name, a sob rose in Alice's throat and the tears streamed down her face. Bella just held Alice, who cried inconsolably into her shoulder, without saying a word.

Neither had any idea how long they sat like that, Alice crying, Bella comforting.

Finally, when her intense crying spell abated, Alice sat up, her throat raw and her eyes red and puffy. Bella handed her a couple of tissues, which Alice gratefully took to wipe her face. Alice looked at Bella and saw the huge wet patch she'd left on her shirt.

"I'm...I'm sorry about your shirt," said Alice hoarsely, pointing to Bella's shoulder.

"Don't worry about it, it's nothing," dismissed Bella. "You're more important. You look a right mess Al. Go and wash your face and then tell me what that was all about, ok?" Alice nodded and stood up to go to the bathroom.

Standing at the sink, Alice took a look at herself and grimaced. She looked more than a mess. She looked hideous. Her mascara, though waterproof, was no match for the floods of tears she'd just cried. It ran in streaks down her face, making her look like a ghoulish goth. Her eyes were half closed, they were so puffy. Deep lines of unhappiness creased the sides of her mouth.

Scrubbing her face clean, Alice felt marginally better. Her green eyes were still dull and lifeless, but at least she looked presentable.

Walking back to the lounge, she saw Bella had made her a cup of tea.

"Drink it Alice. You've obviously had a shock so I've made the tea sweet. It'll help. Trust me," she said, holding the cup out to her. Not having the strength or will to fight, Alice took it and sipped the sweet drink. At Bella's urging, she finished it completely. Surprisingly, Bella was right and she did feel a little better. Physically at least. Emotionally, she was still a mess.

"Now, tell me what's happened?" pressed Bella, taking hold of Alice's hand in a gesture of comfort and support.

"I...I broke up with Jasper," whispered Alice, feeling the sadness well up again. Her eyes watered but she deliberately held them back for the time being.

"Oh Alice. I'm so sorry. What happened with you two?" Bella asked gently, sympathy in her face.

"I realised that he'll never love me the way I love him," said Alice, each word laced with a soul-deep sadness.

"What brought this on? You were willing to wait until he realised his feelings last weekend. What changed?"

"I found out that he was engaged many years ago, but his fiancé was killed in a car accident. Jasper was driving at the time." Bella breathed in sharply at her words. "He still loves her. After all these years, he still loves his dead fiancé. I can't compete with that, Bella," said Alice, her voice thickening again.

"Are you sure about that? How long since she died? Asked Bella.

"Eight years. She must have been the love of his life if after eight years he can't move on from her. What chance did I stand?" cried Alice.

"Eight years! Surely he can't still be in love with her after all that time? How did you find out about her? Did he tell you?

"No. Rosalie sent me a photo of them and told me to ask Jasper about it," said Alice.

"And did he actually say the words? Did he admit his feelings?"

Alice shook her head, not wanting to remember. "He didn't say anything. He said there was more to it, but he wouldn't tell me what that was."

"If he never said the words, maybe it's not true," said Bella hopefully.

"It doesn't make any difference now. He doesn't love me, Bella." Alice's voice cracked again at the words that tore the scab from her heart every time and left it bleeding again. "I can't accept less now. When I had hope, I told myself that he'd admit to his feelings for me. But now I know that's not going to happen and I can't carry on like that." Her voice broke and the tears started again.

"Oh honey," soothed Bella. "I know how much you love him. I'm so, so sorry." She ran her hand up and down Alice's back, wanting to comfort her. Alice nodded and continued to cry into her tissue.

Inside, Bella was raging at Jasper. What kind of fool hangs on to the memory of a dead woman and lets a real, live, wonderful woman like Alice go? He didn't deserve her. If she could get her hands on him now, she'd smack him around the head for being such an idiot. For an intelligent man, he was a total dumbass. If he wanted to live with the memory of a dead love for company, that was his prerogative. But he'd broken her best friend's heart in the process and Bella was furious.

"Ali, I'm going to stay here with you tonight, ok?"

"You don't need to do that, Bella. I'm sorry I rang you but I just needed to see you. You go on home," assured Alice.

"No. You shouldn't be alone tonight."

"I'm not going to kill myself or anything Bella," pointed out Alice, a slight smile showing through her tears.

"I know that, but you need company tonight. I'll just call Edward and let him know that I'm staying here. He won't mind," said Bella reassuringly, taking out her phone. A quick phone call to Edward and Bella was ushering Alice to her bedroom

"Get changed and get into bed. I'll bring you a nice hot chocolate to help you sleep," ordered Bella.

"Yes Mom," joked Alice feebly. In truth, all energy had been sapped from her and the oblivion of sleep was decidedly alluring. When Bella returned, her eyelids were already drooping and as soon as her drink was finished she lay down.

"Good night Alice," said Bella, brushing Alice's hair back gently. "Try to get a good night's sleep. Hopefully, things will look better in the morning."

"'Night Bella. Thank you," murmured Alice, half asleep already.

"Anytime." Turning off the light, Bella tiptoed out of the room.

During the night Bella heard Alice crying. Getting out of the spare bed, she went into Alice's room and saw her sobbing into her pillow. Her heart aching at Alice's pain, she climbed into the bed and held her while Alice cried herself back to sleep.

Waking late the next morning, Alice felt like she'd cried herself out. The tears were gone even if the gaping wound in her heart hurt unbearably. She assured Bella that she was ok now, that she wouldn't break down again like last night.

"I have one favour though, Bella," asked Alice, biting her lip.

"Anything," said Bella, willing to do anything that would help her friend through this.

"Could....could you go to...Jasper's place and...collect my things?" hesitated Alice. She hated asking Bella to do this for her, but she couldn't face seeing Jasper.

"Of course I will," said Bella, looking forward to giving Jasper a piece of her mind. "I'll go around this morning and get your stuff, ok?"

Alice nodded. "Thanks for being here for me," she whispered. "Thanks for being such a good friend."

Bella smiled and hugged her tight. "Oh Ali, you don't have to thank me. You needed me. That's what best friends are for. To be there in the good times and the bad."

Bella left and headed straight to Jasper's place.

* * * * *

Jasper hadn't fared much better since Alice left.

As he watched her walk away, he felt like his chest was being crushed, making even breathing painful. His stomach was clenched in a knot so tight that he knew he'd be violently sick if tried to put anything in it.

Slumping into the lounge, he held his head in his hands, his mind numb.

She was gone.

He'd pushed her away and now she'd gone, taking all the colour with her.

Well, you got what you wanted didn't you?

Leave me alone!

Why? You were determined not to fall in love. You succeeded.

It wasn't supposed to hurt this bad.

Did you really think it wouldn't?

This is why I didn't want to get involved again. I knew I would feel pain again.

The pain is of your own making this time, you fool!

I know. And I hurt her so badly. I'm a bastard.

Yeah. You should have stayed away from her. But no, your brain was ruled by your dick, wasn't it?

No, it wasn't like that.

No?

No! Yes I wanted her. God, I wanted her. I still do. But it was her warmth, her joy that held me.

And you let her walk away. Because you won't let go of the past. You held back to prevent yourself from being hurt again. For what? You're in agony now so it was all for nothing.

I...I...

You let the best thing to ever happen to you walk away. Hope the satisfaction of knowing you achieved your goal of not falling in love keeps you warm for the rest of your miserable life.

I'll get over this.

Sure you will. And when she's big with someone else's child, a child that could have been yours, you can be content that you didn't give in.

A lone tear fell down Jasper's cheek.

* * * * *

A loud buzzing on the internal phone woke Jasper from his disturbed sleep. He was still on the lounge, in the clothes he wore yesterday and he'd dozed fitfully on and off all night. The noise had woken him from his dream of Alice.

The memory of last night's events flooded back and he groaned as he got up off the couch. The buzzing continued, unabated.

Who the hell was it? He didn't want to see anyone, unless it was Alice. And since Alice probably hated him now, that wasn't likely. His head was pounding from the combined lack of sleep and whiskey he'd drunk to numb the pain. The buzzing was even more insistent now.

"All right! I'm coming!" he yelled at the unknown caller. "Hello?" he asked gruffly as he picked up the phone.

"Jasper? It's Bella. I need to come up there."

He groaned internally.

"Jasper! I'm not going away until you let me in. So you might as well open the door," yelled Bella.

"Ok, ok," he agreed, pressing the button to open the foyer door.

Within a couple of minutes, Bella was knocking at the door. Jasper opened it and looked at Bella warily. "Come in," he said, stepping back to let Bella in the apartment.

Bella looked at Jasper and was shocked at the state he was in. His hair was standing up in tufts, like he'd been pulling at it all night. His eyes were red and bloodshot and he was desperately in need of a shave. His clothes were all rumpled, like he'd slept in them. Whatever Alice thought, Jasper was suffering too.

"You look a mess," pointed out Bella.

"No shit, Sherlock!" retorted Jasper. "Sorry. I shouldn't have said that. What do you want, Bella? Is Alice alright?" he asked, worry in his voice.

"No, she's not," answered Bella. At Jasper's look of alarm, she continued. "She's ok physically but she's as much of a mess as you. She told me what happened and I have to say you're a grade A idiot." She shot him a withering glare. "I don't care if you want to spend the rest of your life alone, but you hurt my friend and I'm pissed off as hell with you!"

Jasper looked at Bella, slightly amused despite his misery. She was like a lioness protecting her cub. "What do you want me to say? I never wanted to hurt Alice. I would never want to hurt her."

"Then why won't you get over the past and make both of you happy. I can see you're suffering as much as her. Why are you doing this to yourself?" demanded Bella.

"I've lived with this for so long, I don't know how to let it go," admitted Jasper.

"You just have to. It's your choice," pointed out Bella. "Do you want to regret letting Alice go for the rest of your life?"

"There's already so many things I regret," said Jasper softly.

"And do you want to add another?" asked Bella. "You can't possibly still love someone who's been gone for so long. It's just not right."

Jasper looked at her. "Sometimes there are other emotions that hold you, stronger than love," he said cryptically.

"Well, unless you want to lose Alice forever, you'll need to think about what you really want. Because she's not going to wait for you forever, you know," Bella pointed out.

Jasper just nodded. He'd been having this argument with himself all night.

"Anyway, I've also come over to get Alice's things," she informed him, watching as he winced slightly. While she had sympathy for his pain, it was of his own making and he had to be the one to fix it.

"Sure. Um, there's clothes and stuff in my closet and in the bathroom. Don't ask me to help you. I can't," pleaded Jasper.

Bella nodded in understanding and went into the bedroom to collect Alice's things. There was a lot here. It would take a few trips down to the car. Getting started, she got the clothes she could find and made a number of trips back and forth to the car. Jasper sat on his lounge and stared outside the whole time, not saying a word.

When Bella had collected everything she could find, she walked over to Jasper, who looked up, misery in his eyes. "I'm going now. Please Jasper, think about what you want. Neither of you will be happy without each other, I know." At Jasper's nod, Bella left.

Alice helped Bella carry her things upstairs, tears falling silently down her face. She was miserable. It was like a part of her was gone and she didn't know how she would replace it. Bella asked Alice to come back to her place and but Alice declined. She needed to spend this weekend alone, to wallow in her misery, try to get as much out of her system before Monday.

"Ok. But promise to call me if you need me ok?" said Bella. "Promise me! I'll call you every hour and check on you, ok."

Alice nodded. "You don't have to do that, Bels. But I promise I'll call if it gets too much."

Giving Bella a hug, she waved goodbye and shut the door. Alice went back to her bed and lay down, not really wanting to do anything. The rest of the weekend was spent like that, only talking to Bella when she rang. She lost count of the tears she shed.

* * * * *

Monday came and Alice knew she just couldn't face classes today. Her head just wasn't in the right space and she wouldn't take anything in. There was one thing she needed to do, though.

Getting out of bed by mid-morning, she attempted to make herself presentable. Looking at the mirror she pronounced herself as acceptable although her eyes showed her desperate unhappiness. She put on more makeup to hide the circles under eyes, circles acquired by poor sleep interspersed with dreams of Jasper.

Alice walked in the Registrar's office and officially quit Jasper's class. The woman behind the counter informed her that she was just over the cut-off date and that a record would appear in her transcripts. Alice was beyond caring at the moment and signed the paperwork required. She would take up another class next semester.

Walking back to her car, Alice pondered on the irony of the situation. She and Jasper had been so worried about getting caught. Now, as easy as that, that problem had been resolved. But there was now no Jasper and Alice, anyway. If she hadn't been so unhappy, Alice would have smiled.

With one less subject to worry about, Alice went home and attempted to get to work on some of the other subject work she had. At least it would take her mind off Jasper.

* * * * *

After two days of wallowing in his misery, Jasper made the effort to get ready for classes. He grimaced as he looked at himself in the mirror. He looked like a hobo. His face was pale and his eyes were still faintly bloodshot.

Searching through his medicine cabinet, he finally found a vial of eyedrops. It was just in date so he put a couple of drops in each eye, hoping it would get rid of the redness.

Jasper wished there was something he could take to make his unhappiness go away as well.

The only thing that would do that was Alice. And he'd pushed her away.

He was dreading that class. He didn't know if he'd be able to look at her without begging her for a second chance. Or taking her in his arms and kissing her like there was no tomorrow.

Jasper shook his head to clear it. Until he sorted his shit out, there was no way Alice would come back to him. He knew that.

Going to class, he steeled himself not to react when Alice came in. He was going to ask if he could swap this class with another teacher. For both their sakes.

Students started to wander in, Jasper gritting his teeth at every footstep outside the door, only easing up when it wasn't Alice then gritting them again for the next person. The class was nearly full and still no sign of Alice. It was almost time to start. His sadness nearly overwhelmed him when he realised she wasn't coming.

Was she ok? She hadn't done anything stupid had she? His heart started pounding as his mind ran through various scenarios. No, she's not like that, he argued. She's too strong, however unhappy she was.

Despite his worry, he had to begin his class. Giving his lecture almost on auto-pilot, he was anxious for the class to end. He was going to ring Alice to check that she was ok. He'd probably make a fool of himself, but he didn't care. Even if she didn't want to talk to him, at least he'd know she was ok.

No sooner had the class ended and Jasper was out the door. Rushing back to his office, he dialled Alice's number with shaking hands. It rang and rang and just when he was about hang up, it was answered.

"Hello Jasper," Alice answered, her voice soft and wooden.

"Alice! You're ok?" asked Jasper anxiously.

"Of course. Why wouldn't I be," retorted Alice. "Why are you calling me?"

"You weren't in class and I was worried about you," answered Jasper.

"Well I'm fine. You don't need to worry about me anymore. I wasn't in class because I've dropped it."

"I see," replied Jasper softly. "I'm sorry I bothered you." He hung up and put his head down on his arms, misery engulfing him again.

How long would the pain last this time?

You've got the ability to make it end, you know.

I know.

You need to finally confront all those feelings that crippled you all those years ago.

Easier said than done.

I know, but Alice is worth it, isn't she?

Yes.

Next, he dialled Rosalie's number. He wasn't angry with her, at least not anymore. Friday night had been a different story. He was furious with her for breaking her promise.

"Hi Jasper," answered Rosalie, a trifle tentatively. She didn't know if Alice had asked about the photo yet.

"You gave her that photo, didn't you? You broke your promise," said Jasper, his voice steady.

Rosalie was quiet for a moment before answering. "Well, technically, I didn't break my promise. I never said anything. I told her to ask you. What happened, Jasper?"

"Rose! It's the same thing!" cried Jasper, his anger returning. "She left me."

"No it isn't. I'm sorry about Alice but it was about time she found out about Maria. She was convinced you don't love her. And you do, don't you Jasper?"

"Rosalie. It's not as simple as that."

"Of course it is! You either love her or you don't. And you love her Jasper. It's as plain as day," said Rosalie.

Jasper rubbed his eyes in weariness. "Rose, you never knew everything that happened the day Maria died."

"Tell me then," said Rosalie. "Make me understand. Have you ever told anyone?"

"No."

"Then it's about time. Maybe if you told me, it will help you."

Jasper thought about Rosalie's words. He'd never told anyone about the true circumstances of the accident. He'd held the truth to himself and used it as a sort of talisman to keep everyone away. Until Alice.

Taking a deep breath, he finally told Rosalie what happened. He could hear Rosalie sniffle as she learned of the events leading up to the crash that had nearly killed her brother.

"I'm so sorry Jasper. I wish you had told me earlier then you wouldn't have had to live with this all alone. I'm your twin sister. I love you. I wouldn't have judged you, even though you did nothing wrong."

Jasper sighed. "It was my fault. I just didn't want to face it. I've got a lot to work through."

"I'll be here for you Jasper. Alice is worth the effort, even if it's difficult."

"I know. I have to reassess the last eight years," admitted Jasper. Somehow, now that Rosalie knew, he felt somewhat lighter, like the burden wasn't solely his now.

"Don't make Alice wait too long, Jasper."

"What if she doesn't want me? I've hurt her so badly with the way I acted," asked Jasper despondently.

"When you're sure of what you want, then you need to convince Alice. Are you sure yet?" asked Rosalie.

"Not yet. But it's getting clearer," replied Jasper.

"Good luck, little brother. I love you," said Rosalie, a catch in her throat. "I want you to be happy, and you haven't been happy since the accident."

"I know. I love you too, big sister."

After hanging up, he checked his mail and noticed the slip from the Registrar's office. It was the official notice that Alice had dropped his class. His fist automatically closed over the envelope and he tossed it in the bin.

* * * * *

Alice's hand shook as she heard Jasper hang up. Oh god, she missed him. His voice brought back so many memories of their time together and her eyes filled with tears again.

When was she going to stop crying? Everything seemed to remind her of Jasper. The sight of a motorcycle in the street would remind her of their special place. Would she ever see that clearing again? A song would remind her of their time at the nightclub, when they were desperate for each other. Even food would remind her of the times he cooked for her.

When was the agonising pain going to end?

At night she slept fitfully, dreams of Jasper haunting her. She would wake up sweating and shaking, having dreamt of Jasper making love to her. She wanted his touch so badly. After the dream she wouldn't be able to sleep as her body throbbed for his touch, his body in hers.

Alice tried pleasuring herself, just to ease the tension but didn't have the heart and gave up. Only Jasper could satisfy her now. It terrified her. What if she could never feel like this for anyone else? Would she end up doing what Jasper had done, pine for him for years, despite her declaration that she wouldn't? Would she end up 'settling' for another man because she'd never find anyone she loved as much as Jasper?

She went back to classes on Tuesday, forcing herself to concentrate on the lectures, while part of her mind wondered if Jasper was in class or in his office. That started her daydreaming about the steaming hot sex she'd had with Jasper in his office. Again, she squirmed in her seat as she felt herself getting wet. She dragged herself away from those thoughts, knowing there would be no relief in sight.

Bella rang her a couple of times a day to make sure she was ok. Alice was extremely grateful to have such a supportive friend. She thanked heaven that Bella had been with her on Friday. She didn't know if she could have managed on her own. Alice was meeting Bella for lunch on Wednesday. Now that she had one less class, her workload was lighter, giving Alice more time to do other things. It also gave her more time to think, thus the lunch invitation was gratefully accepted.

Greeting each other with a kiss and hug, the girls sat down and placed their orders. Bella looked at Alice closely, taking in the faint circles under her eyes and the slightly thinner face.

"Alice, have you lost weight?" asked Bella with concern.

"I don't know. Maybe," said Alice with a shrug. To be honest, food hadn't really appealed.

"You need to eat Alice. You're already tiny. You can't afford to lose any more weight," scolded Bella. "You love your food. I know you're hurting but you need to look after yourself."

"Ok, ok. Don't nag Mom," joked Alice feebly. Bella was right. She couldn't allow herself to waste away like some tragic heroine from a melodramatic romance novel. "I'll eat, I promise. Look, you can make sure I eat all my lunch, ok?"

"Damn right I will," retorted Bella. "Seriously though, how are you coping?"

Alice looked down at the table. "I'm managing. I hurt like hell and I miss Jasper like crazy but..." Her voice trailed off.

Taking Alice's hand, Bella looked at Alice with sympathy. "I know, honey. If it's any consolation, Jasper's suffering as much as you."

Alice frowned in pain. "I know. He rang me to check I was ok and I was rude to him. I didn't mean to be but hearing his voice just brought all the pain back."

For the rest of lunch, Alice talked while Bella listened. It was cathartic for Alice, unloading onto Bella.

"I'm sorry I'm being such a downer, Bella. I promise I'll be better for the wedding," said Alice.

"No. You need to get things off your chest and who better to listen than me. And I know you'd never let me down. I know it'll be painful, but I trust you. I only wish I could make things better for you," said Bella wistfully.

"Unfortunately, only Jasper can do that," whispered Alice. Bella nodded.

Alice found that the evenings were long and lonely. She'd gotten used to Jasper's presence nearby. Even when they were both engrossed in their study or work, just knowing he was there added to the atmosphere of companionship.

On Friday evening, Alice couldn't take the quiet any longer and decided to go to the library and work there. At least there would be other's around even if she didn't speak to anyone. It was also one week since they broke up.

The car park was little way away from the library but the path was brightly lit and Alice didn't feel apprehensive in the least about walking alone at night. Entering the building, Alice was assaulted by the memory of the first kiss she'd ever shared with Jasper and almost gasped aloud. Maybe coming here hadn't been such a good idea.

Unable to help herself, Alice wandered to the aisle where the kiss had taken place. She remembered the anger in his face as well as the spine tingling sensation of his lips meeting hers, first in anger, quickly turning to passion.

Forcing back the tears that were threatening again, Alice found a quiet table at the back of the library and proceeded to get to work. She was here now so she may as well make use of the library.

Just after nine o'clock, Alice packed up her books and left the library. It was well and truly dark now and there were few people around. Most were walking in the distance, heading towards dorm rooms, she supposed. Or going out to meet their lovers, thought Alice wistfully.

So lost in her thoughts was she, that she didn't notice the footsteps walking a short distance behind her. Reaching her car, she stopped to fish out her car keys, muttering to herself. She knew she should have gotten her keys out before she left the library, but her mind just wasn't on mundane things at the moment.

Therefore, Alice nearly jumped out of her skin when a voice spoke behind her.

"Hello, beautiful Alice," the voice drawled, recognition hitting her in an instant.

It was James.