Songs and Choices
AN: So... this isn't the final chapter. Just thought I'd say that up front. BUT... there is only one more to go. Yep, almost done, people! This one starts out a bit AxA, but don't worry, the focus is mostly VxH... you'll see. THANKS to everyone who's supported this fic by leaving a review! You're the ones who've kept this thing alive, and for that, I'm extremely grateful. Hope you enjoy this (once again) long and sort-of angsty chapter.
To all my readers/reviwers I present... a Haiku:
I love all reviews
Reviews are so wonderful
They are fan-fic crack
Thank you! And please, give me my fanfic fix...
Allen was ripped back to semi-consciousness by someone banging loudly on the front door. Light footsteps tumbled down the upstairs stairway, and the low murmur of voices drifted down to his ears. He sat up groggily, straining to catch the muffled words as he swiped his long hair away from his face. Van sat on the edge of the futon, his dark eyes unreadable, and Allen had serious doubts whether the man had been to sleep yet at all. There was a defeated, hopeless slump to his shoulders that made Allen look uncomfortably away.
The intensity of the voices rose a notch, and Allen rose smoothly to his feet.
"I'll go see what's happening," he said quietly without looking over at Van. He wasn't surprised that he didn't receive an answer as he made his way up the stairs and through the dark kitchen. The voices were clearer now, and Allen's hands balled into tight fists of anger. Jason- no more sober than he was earlier- was arguing with Annie. Gods, hadn't the man done enough damage for one night? There he was, just inches from her face, and she glared back at him stubbornly, arms crossed tightly against her chest. Allen eased himself into the shadows of the dining room, unwilling to break into their argument unless he had to.
"I ain't stupid. There's no way you two are just friends," Jason slurred angrily. "I saw the way you looked when Miranda was all over him. Like you were gonna rip her eyes out."
"I did not," Annie denied firmly, but all the color had drained out of her face. "There's nothing going on. We're barely even friends-"
"Bullshit. You're friends enough to suck face every chance you get," he snapped crudely, and Annie looked like she was fighting the urge to slap him.
"Quit being an ass, Jason!"
"Quit being a slut, Annie," he drawled. This time, she hit him. The sound echoed through the dark room as his head snapped to the side.
"Is there a problem, Annie?" Allen asked in a calm, detatched voice as he moved slowly to her side. She swung surprised brown eyes to meet his questioning blue ones, but Jason spoke up before she could answer him.
"Sorry, was I keeping her out of bed too long? Getting bored all by yourself, Pretty-boy?"
Allen stared disdainfully down his nose at the shorter man's unfocused eyes. He could hardly believe this was the guy who'd shown unending patience teaching them all to snowboard, always smiling, always friendly. That man didn't exist right now.
"I think you need to be taught the lesson I didn't get to beat into you earlier," Allen ground out between clenched teeth, his muscles taunt and ready. Jason sneered at him as if to dare him to try it, his own meaty, tattooed hands curling into fists.
"Okay, enough testosterone-flinging. Just... leave, Jason," Annie ordered stepping between them quickly. In the dim light, the dark shadow of the bruise on her temple from Jason's punch stood out on her pale skin, and Jason winced at the sight of it. He backed off slowly, keeping an angry eye on Allen's face as he stepped away.
"So that's it. You're gonna kick me out over him. Some pansy-assed uptight prick that you hardly know," he bit out. Annie sighed, looking strained and hurt.
"That's not the way it is, and you know it, J. I can't keep doing this. I can't. I told you last time that I'd never go through this again. You've got to go. Don't call me. Don't come over... not until you're clean. I just want you to go away."
She turned her back to him, her arms still crossed tightly against her body. He took a halting step towards her, but Allen moved between them and gave him a menacing glare.
"Fine. But you'll want me around. After this asshole's moved on, you'll find me," he stated confidently.
Annie shook her head but didn't turn to face him. "Not this time, J. Take care of yourself."
Jason glared at her back for several long, tense moments before he stumbled out of the house, slamming the door behind him hard enough to shake the walls. Allen turned slowly to look at Annie. She'd dropped her hands to her sides, her shoulders slumped and her head bent down.
"Hey, Annie," he said quietly as he put a hand on her shoulder to gently turn her around to face him. Her long, dark hair curtained her face from him as she continued to stare at their feet.
"I shouldn't have said that. I shouldn't have told him to go away," she muttered hoarsely, and Allen frowned heavily.
"Why not? I'd say it's less than he deserved."
Annie shook her head, her long hair rippling in the dim light, and Allen tipped her chin up so he could see her face. Her doe-eyes brimmed with worry and pain.
"I'm his oldest friend. We've always... but now I just dropped him like nothing. What if he never gets clean? What if he just dis- disappears?-" she choked on the word and flapped her hands helplessly. With a groan ripped right from the bottoms of his feet, Allen pulled her into a tight hug. He stroked her hair with his right hand, surprised she didn't push him away. If anything, she pressed her face a little harder into his chest as she stood there rigidly in his arms.
"You don't understand. It's my fault he's like this, because, you know, he thinks he loves me. Only I don't... And he just can't let it go, and he says it's my fault he's gotta get wasted to deal with it. So I can't just tell him to go away," she whispered, and Allen had to strain to hear her. A strong urge to dissect the other man jolted through him again. How dare he pin his inability to deal with his own problems on her? Allen unconsciously tightened his arms around her.
"Annie, it's not your fault. Jason makes his own choices, and you aren't to blame for them. And you can't be the source of his problems if you're not around, right? He's got to fix this for himself."
Her small hands came up to grab fistfuls of his shirt. "What if... what if I need to save him? What if I've got to do it for me?" she asked, a desperate twinge to her whisper.
"You can't save him from himself," he said in a low, soft voice. "And you can't save your mother by trying to save him, either."
He could feel the shudder run through her stiff body, but still she didn't push him away.
"I know. I know. But still," she mumbled, her voice muffled by the thin shirt he was wearing. Allen didn't reply. There was nothing more he could say. He didn't know how long he stood there like that, just holding her, stroking the long silk of her hair, before she gave a shuddering sigh and stepped back.
"Thanks. Sorry. I kinda went psycho for a minute there. But, well, I guess that'll happen at four in the morning, huh?" she said with a shaky, fake smile. Allen glanced at the clock, following her lead to change the subject.
"I thought it felt like I'd only been asleep an hour or two," he said casually. Annie's smile turned apologetic.
"Yeah... sorry you got woken up."
Allen shrugged easily. "You were woken up as well."
"Naw, I couldn't sleep-" she began before she caught herself and put on an unconvincingly casual face. An imp of mischief, probably born from spending too much time around her, reared up in him. That wasn't a little blush creeping over her cheeks, was it?
"Really? Why's that?" he prompted with a gleam in his eye. Was it possibly because she was thinking about him? Or their interrupted kiss? She avoided his eyes, the blush deepening, and he leaned down to catch her muttered words. All he managed to hear was "didn't want to turn off the light" and "creepy noises". His eyes widened as a smirk grew on his face.
"Wait- you weren't still too scared by that stupid 'Jingle Hell' movie to be able to sleep, were you?" he asked incredulously, trying hard not to laugh. The crimson blush went from her collarbones to her hairline now, and she scowled darkly at him.
"No, I wasn't!" she insisted, then looked even more sheepish than before. "Okay. I was. Shut up. Seriously, I can't get those awful, creepy elves out of my head!"
Allen laughed so hard, he had to wipe the tears away from his eyes for the first time in his life. He couldn't even remember laughing that hard as a child.
"Yeah, yeah. Glad you think it's funny. Are you finished? I'm going to make some hot chocolate," Annie finally said sternly before she flounced off to the kitchen. They leaned against the counter together, sipping at their mugs and talking about nothing in particular. Neither of them mentioned Jason. Some things were better left alone.
"I suppose we should try to get some sleep," Allen said as he set his empty cup in the sink.
"Yeah," Annie agreed. She fiddled with her mug, staring into the dregs of her hot chocolate. "Um, Allen? Can I ask a really huge favor?"
He turned back to face her, keeping his face blandly friendly. He'd hoped by now she'd know she didn't have to ask him not to tell anyone about the episode with Jason tonight, or their conversation afterwards.
"Do you think you could maybe just sleep up in my room for the rest of the night?" she asked, looking up hopefully with her trademark nose wrinkle.
"Uh... what?" he stuttered once he'd mentally picked himself up off the floor. That one had hit him completely out of nowhere.
"Look, I know I'm being a total chicken-wuss, but I really can't help it. I might be able to fall asleep if you're there," she muttered, blushing again.
So, that was it. Allen rocked back on his heels as he mentally chided himself letting his imagination take a nose-dive into the gutter.
"Annie, I don't think this is such a good idea," he warned quietly.
"You don't have to worry about it being proper or whatever. Friends spend the night all the time. Please? I really don't wanna go back upstairs by myself," she replied. She lifted pleading brown eyes to his, and Allen knew he was in big trouble. Honestly, there wasn't much any man could do against those eyes or that pout. Besides, there was something else to her request. Something deeper than just a ridiculous fear.
"Well, I guess this could fall under the code of chivalry," he finally answered, rubbing the back of his head. He was rewarded by the relieved smile spreading across her face.
Kicking himself mentally for agreeing to this very, very bad idea, he followed her quietly up the stairs. Her room surprised him. Somehow, he'd expected it to be completely trashed, like a roomful of toddlers had been let loose to tear it apart, but it was surprisingly neat. Not perfectly clean, like his room always was, but the bits of clothes here and there and the occasional haphazard pile only made it feel comfortably lived in, not chaotic. Every light in the room was on, and Annie hastily scooped a pile of papers and a large book off her bed. Allen groaned silently. That bed was a single. The two of them would never fit on that thing without a whole lot of intimate touching.
"Well, get in," Annie prompted, climbing under the covers and fluffing the pillow. Allen swallowed hard. Couldn't she at least wear something more than that tight tank top and those super-short shorts? Keeping his face as bland as possible, he slid stiffly between the sheets. Annie smiled at him and snuggled in, closing her eyes.
"Uh, shouldn't you put out the lights?" Allen asked, grinning in spite of himself. Annie cracked an eye sheepishly.
"Oh. Yeah. I suppose, since you're up here that'd be okay," she said, rolling out of bed to shut the lights off one by one. Allen laughed under his breath.
"Want me to check under the bed for monsters, too?" he teased. Annie socked his arm and snuggled back under the covers.
"Watch it, buddy, or I'll steal all the blankets."
Allen stifled another laugh and turned his back to her, balancing himself on the edge of the bed to keep as little physical contact between them as possible. This could be okay, if they both just stayed like this...
Fifteen minutes later, he was still groggily awake. Every time he was about to doze off, Annie would shift again. Every little noise made her jump, and it was starting to get on his nerves. Abruptly he rolled over to face her as she twitched yet again when the stairs creaked.
"Annie, you're not going to fall sleep if you don't relax," he whispered. She flopped onto her back next to him.
"I can't help it! It's the curse of an overactive imagination," she moaned. Sighing, knowing he'd probably regret it in the morning, he reached out and pulled her small body into his.
"There. Now you're safe from the creepy elves and we can both get some sleep," he muttered into the top of her head, firmly telling his sleepy brain to ignore how well they fit together.
"Well, at least they'll get you first," she mumbled back as she snuggled a little deeper into him and relaxed. Allen smiled into her hair and fell asleep.
The first weak rays of the dim winter sun filtered into Hitomi's room as she groggily struggled to open her scratchy eyelids. Her head felt like it was full of cotton wool and her nose was stuffy and swollen. The hazy thought that she was coming down with a cold drifted through her sleepy brain as she reached out to find Van's warm, comforting body.
He wasn't there. Her hands stopped searching abruptly as full memory flooded her aching brain. He wasn't there, warming the bed, because of what he'd asked her. He wasn't there, holding her with his strong, loving arms, because of what she couldn't answer him.
She buried her face in her hands and willed herself not to cry. Not again, not anymore. She'd cried so long last night her sobs had turned into dry, hacking gulps. Why did he have to ask her? Why did he have to ruin everything? At that moment, she hated him for asking her to make this choice. But she hated herself more, because she was the one who'd asked him to come here, and that had broken everything.
It was impossible for her to go back to Gaea with him, didn't Van realize that? She belonged here. Here, with her families, her friends, here at her job and her classes. Not on Gaea, not a queen in Fanelia. He was asking her to be something she couldn't possibly be.
But, oh! To be without him- her soul ached at the thought. She knew she would never see him again if she didn't go back with him to Fanelia. It would be too painful, for both of them.
She wrapped her arms tightly around herself. Dear god, she could almost feel his arms around her, the callouses on his fingers on her tender skin. It was too much, too much. She stuffed her fist into her mouth, biting down on the knuckles to keep from whimpering out loud.
The pain in his eyes, the slump of his proud shoulders when he'd turned away- she'd hurt him. Oh, how she'd hurt him, and she hadn't even given her answer yet. She was a coward, and a fool, because she knew she would break her own heart by breaking his if she refused him.
She needed to talk to somebody. She needed to talk to Annie. No- she need to talk to her mother.
Sniffling, she snatched up her cell phone and dialed her home number with shaking fingers. Two rings, three, four...
"Hello?" her mother's voice said sleepily from half-way around the world. Hitomi took a deep breath.
"Mom? It's me..." she choked out hoarsely.
"Hitomi? Are you alright?"
Hitomi tried valiantly to hold back the tears that streamed down her face, but it was no use. What she wouldn't have given to be able to fall into her mother's comforting arms at that moment. "Oh, mom," she wailed. "I don't know what to do!"
Her mother listened patiently while she poured the whole story out in halting, gasping sobs. Long moments of silence crossed the phone line as Hitomi wiped her eyes and gulped back her tears when she'd finally finished.
"Hitomi-chan, why can't you go with him?" her mother asked quietly, gently. Hitomi slammed her fist onto her bed angrily.
"Because, Mom! It would be crazy! I'd have to leave everything, everyone, behind! And I'd be expected to be this great queen. I can't be queen! I haven't got the first idea how to be royalty!"
"I think you would learn," her mother replied, still quiet, still gentle. "Van loves you. I'm sure his people would, too."
"But I'd lose everything if I go. I'd lose you," Hitomi whispered despairingly.
"You'll lose Van if you stay. Can you live with that?"
Hitomi covered her eyes with one hand, forcing herself not to start sobbing again. "Mom, you're making it sound like you think I should go back with him! Don't you get what that would mean? You might never see me again!"
"Of course I realize that. I know that I would lose you..." her mother's voice cracked, and Hitomi could hear her taking a few deep breaths. "But Hitomi, more than anything, I want you to be happy. You never truly came home from Gaea. I could see that right away. My little girl had left something behind there, and I knew in my heart that someday you'd have to go back and be whole again."
"But... I'd have to give up everything. I don't think I'm brave enough," Hitomi admitted in a broken whisper.
"What was it that your grandmother always told you?"
"The stars will give you the last of their strength, if you wish hard enough," she replied slowly. How long ago that seemed, sitting on the back porch with her grandmother when she gave her the pendant. Hitomi wanted to rewind her life to that evening when everything was still simple and happy.
"Whatever you decide, your father and I will always love you," her mother said gently into her ear, and Hitomi felt as warm as if she had reached out and hugged her.
"Thanks, Mom," she whispered.
Van stared unseeingly across the empty basement. Allen hadn't come back down after... whatever it was that happened upstairs. Maybe he should talk to the man, warn him not to get involved with girls from the Mystic Moon. Because there was only one way things could turn out, and this was it. Unable to sleep, staring at the walls in a dark, freezing basement while you nursed your broken heart and your battered pride.
He should have gone with his first instinct. He should have known better than to give in to hope. He shouldn't have ruined the little bit of happiness they had actually had. Damn Annie and Allen for telling him to ask her. And damn his own heart for listening.
It was early morning; he could tell by the pale sunlight creeping down the basement stairs. He rubbed one tanned hand across his worn face and sighed. This wasn't the first night of lost sleep because of Hitomi, and it wasn't likely to be his last, either. The only thing he wanted now was for today to be over so he could escape back to Fanelia and let her get on with her life.
Van yanked off the blankets wrapped around his shoulders and pawed roughly through his dufflebag. One more day. Just one more day to get through, though it wasn't going to be easy. They were all supposed to be going to another of Annie's family gatherings, he recalled with relief as he headed towards the shower. The more people around to be a buffer between himself and Hitomi, the better.
Turning the shower on full-blast, he stepped under the scalding water and let it burn it's way over his skin. Maybe it could burn away the memory of her touch. He snorted mirthlessly and rested his forehead against the shower wall. Ha! Not likely. Nothing he tried could ever make him forget that. Gods, what had he done?
Allen woke in the dim morning light of Annie's bedroom as she stretched slowly in his arms.
"Morning," she mumbled at him with a sleepy smile.
"What? You mean we both survived the night? No attacks by murderous elves?" he teased, opening his eyes wide in mock- surprise. Annie rolled onto her stomach and propped her chin on her elbows to regard him with laughing brown eyes.
"Joking so early in the morning? Your sense of humor must be more developed than I thought," she replied seriously. "You know, if you're really sneaky, you could probably make it back downstairs before Hitomi and Van crawl out of their little 'Bed of Love'. If you care, that is."
"It wouldn't matter if I did care. Van spent the night in the basement."
Annie gaped at him, opening and shutting her mouth like a fish until she managed to stutter out a few words. "Van? In the basement? But, wha- ... How bad did he look?"
Allen grimaced, recalling the shadowed, drawn face and the defeated slump of the king's shoulders. "Pretty bad," he answered in a major understatement.
"Oh, god. He must've finally asked her," Annie whispered, chewing on her lip nervously.
"I thought that was what you wanted. Do you think she said no?"
Annie paled, but she shook her head. "No. At least, I hope not. She probably just... needed time to think about it. Yeah. That's all it is. Poor Van."
"I hope you're right," Allen said darkly. He pushed back the covers and stood up quickly, before the sight of her sleep-tousled hair and her worried pout made him do anything stupid.
"I guess I'll go take a shower," he mumbled, but all he got was a distracted "hm" from Annie. Torn between relief and disappointment, he pulled open the door and stepped hastily out into the small hallway, nearly colliding into Hitomi as she made her way to the bathroom.
Allen, who had never been known for blushing, felt himself going crimson from top to bottom as she gaped incredulously at him.
"Uh... good morning," he said hesitantly. Her eyes looked swollen and red, as if she'd been crying half the night. If he hadn't been feeling so incredibly awkward, he would have hugged her. Now, he merely shifted uncomfortably from one foot to the other.
"Goo- good morning..." she stuttered back, blushing a little bit herself before she dodged into the bathroom and shut the door quickly behind her. Allen closed his eyes and rubbed his temples. This was a very, very bad start to his day.
He found Van folding and refolding the blankets with exacting precision when he ventured downstairs for his shower. It was a little unnerving to watch how he lined the corners up perfectly, only to do it all over again with a frown on his face, like the blanket was his mortal enemy. Allen snatched the first bits of clothes his hands touched in his dufflebag and hurried towards the bathroom. Now was probably not the best time to ask Van what had happened the night before.
"Allen," Van said suddenly before Allen escaped through the door. He stopped and turned back hesitantly.
"Did you need something, Van?"
Van kept folding the blanket and didn't look up at him. "You do remember that we are returning home tomorrow morning," he stated in a hollow, monotone voice.
"Of course," Allen returned cautiously.
"You should keep that in mind before you get too involved."
Allen wanted to laugh out loud bitterly. Van was the last man who should be handing around advice like that. He smiled a tight, uncomfortable smile.
"Thanks, but don't worry. There is nothing between Annie and I," he said firmly. Van didn't respond and he quickly disappeared into the bathroom.
Van threw the blanket down on the futon in disgust. How stupid did Allen think he was, anyway? Any fool could see what was going on between those two. He growled in frustration, running his hands through his already spikey, messy hair. What did it matter? Let the idiot do what he wanted. Maybe a broken heart would teach him a lesson or two. Van knew it had taught him things he'd never wanted to learn, like how fast he could swing from numb despair to irrational anger.
"Um, you okay, Van?"
Van whipped around to see Annie watching him from the bottom steps, a worried frown on her face. He gave a bitter laugh. "Wonderful. Never better," he snapped sarcastically.
"So... what happened?" she asked gently, staying where she was on the steps.
"What happened? I was stupid and took your advice," he snarled. "I should never have asked her..."
"Did she- did she say no?" Annie whispered, her face white in the dim light of the basement.
"Yes. No, not exactly," Van moaned, sinking down onto the futon. He buried his face in his hands as he leaned his elbows on his knees, his anger replaced by despair so quickly he felt physically weak.
"Not exactly? What did she say?" Annie questioned as she moved slowly to sit next to him.
Van shook his head. "She needed time to think about it. But we both know she meant no, she just didn't know how to say it yet."
"Or maybe 'time to think about it' just meant she needed some time to think about it. Honestly, you didn't expect her to immediately say yes, did you?" she said. Van gave her a withering look, and she tapped him on the head. "It's a really big choice. I'd be more worried if she wasn't thinking it over. I mean, this way at least she won't regret a spur of the moment decision, right?"
"Yeah. This way she'll be absolutely certain she wanted to say no," he spit out bitterly.
Annie rolled her eyes. "Okay, Mr. Pessimist. You're going to feel like the prize idiot when she says yes."
"Annie, stop. Just- stop. You didn't see her face last night. You don't know..." he trailed off, then turned his head to give her a hard look. "Don't talk about it anymore. It's done."
"Fine. But I reserve the right to a huge 'I told you so' if I'm right," she declared, standing up and heading towards the stairs. Van crossed his arms and growled under his breath. That stupid, irritating, loud-mouthed... he could think of a lot of words to describe her right now, and none of them were very friendly. He sighed and stood to follow her up the stairs. There was no point in hiding out in the basement.
Breakfast was a silent, awkward meal since Van glowered at his barely touched food, Allen was stiffly polite, and Annie was unusually quiet. Hitomi never came down the stairs, and her empty place at the table merely highlighted their discomfort.
"We should probably leave soon," Annie said abruptly. Neither of them responded, and she stood up with a frown. "Okay. Well, I guess I'll go talk to Tomi, then."
She stalked up the stairs, muttering under her breath the entire way. What a crappy start to the New Year. She rapped lightly on Hitomi' door and poked her head inside the room.
"Hey, Tomi. We've gotta leave for Aunt Lolli's soon. Are you going to come along or what?"
Hitomi looked up from a photo album spilling across her lap with startled green eyes. "Oh. Oh, I'd forgotten about that. Maybe I should stay here today. I've got some stuff I have to..."
"Hitomi, you can't hide up here until Van leaves," Annie said gently. "You've got to talk to the poor guy."
Hitomi grimaced. "I know. I just... Wait. Do you know what happened last night?"
"Sort of. Enough to know this is really, really hard on you," Annie replied, watching her face with concerned brown eyes. She sighed and sat down next to Hitomi to give her a hug. "I know you're hurting, but you can't just hide away up here..."
"I'm not 'hiding away'!" Hitomi exclaimed. "I've got a lot I have to think about. There's so much I need to..."
"You need to talk to Van. Come on, get up. You're coming with us to Aunt Lolli's," Annie commanded as she pulled a resisting Hitomi to her feet.
"Why?"
"Because moping around up here alone all day isn't going to help you. If you cry any more, your eyes will swell shut. You need some cheering up, and you know us Goettenbergs can always make you laugh."
"I look terrible. I can't face him, Annie," Hitomi moaned. Annie smiled at her reassuringly.
"Sure you can. You look fine. Here, put a little concealer on and no one will be able to tell you've been crying," she said. Hitomi gave her a withering look. "Okay. So your eyes are a little red. Just... tell people you're getting a cold. It'll be fine. Really."
"Why do I always let you talk me into stuff?" Hitomi asked plaintively as she let Annie drag her out of her safe, secluded bedroom. Annie threw her arm around her shoulder and gave her a comforting squeeze.
"Because I always know what's best for you. That, or I'm as stubborn as a bulldog in heat, and you know it."
Hitomi couldn't even look at Van's face as they put on their coats silently and climbed into the car together. She suspected that Annie picked a fight with Allen just to cover up the awkwardness permeating the air with their unending squabbling.
Across from her in the backseat, Van stared unseeingly out his window, hunched down deeply into his thick coat. Hitomi stole nervous glances at him from time to time and wished futilely that things could have turned out differently. That she could have given him the answer he wanted, so he could be sitting there, holding her hand and smiling that small, beautiful smile at her. Now, the cord of tension and unease between them twisted and pulled so tightly she wanted to scream. She knew she should've stayed in her room today.
Aunt Lolli's house was on the other side of the city, but traffic was light and the drive was short. Relief poured through Hitomi as she slid out of the car and up to the front door. Van, she realized, was working just as hard as she was to keep as much distance between them as possible.
All four of them were swept inside by a tidal wave of Happy New Year's and hugs from Annie's family. If anyone noticed that Hitomi's smile was brittle or Van's face looked like it was chiseled out of marble, no one showed it. They edged through the front entrance into the crowded living room and looked around.
"I thought you said only half the family from Christmas would be here," Allen hissed into Annie's ear.
"It is only about half. Aunt Lolli's house is way smaller than Aunt Vera's, though," Annie replied innocently. "Oh! Leftover Christmas cookies!"
She gave Hitomi a glare that shouted "talk to Van!", grabbed Allen by the arm, and dragged him across the room. For the first time since she'd run away from Van's question, Hitomi found herself alone with him. Well, as alone as two people could be in a crowded room, anyway. Van's face was hard and unreadable as he stared at the far wall, and Hitomi shifted uncomfortably.
"Hey, guys. Looks like you had too much fun last night or something," a teenage cousin of Annie's chirped, winking at Hitomi as she passed by the two of them. "Too bad we don't have any mistletoe left over to cheer you up, huh?"
Hitomi felt her mouth go dry as she forced a high-pitched laugh. Van merely looked away, his eyes blank. She felt physically sick to her stomach.
"I... I think I'll go see if the Aunts need help in the kitchen," she mumbled without looking at his stony face. He didn't even have to time to reply before she stumbled off across the room.
Van ran a hand through his hair, frustrated and wishing someone would punch him to take his mind off his mental anguish. He could do this. He could. Jichia above, he'd thought he had better control of himself than this. He'd thought he could be mature about it, friendly even, not silent and hard and bitter. Gods, how she must hate him for this.
He looked up and caught Allen watching him with piercing blue eyes. Angry and embarrassed, he turned away. The Caeli Knight would never have behaved this way. He hadn't behaved like this when Hitomi had turned him down. The thought that Allen was a better man than him ate away at Van's already demolished pride.
A light tap on his shoulder forced him to turn around. He found himself face to face with baby Willem, who looked surprisingly chubbier in the one week since he'd last seen him. His mother was holding him out towards Van with a friendly smile.
"Van, you were so good with him at Christmas. Would you mind holding him just for a bit while I go have a few minutes of freedom?" she asked cheerfully as she placed the baby in Van's arms. Van stuttered out a few words, unable to think of a good excuse, and the woman seemed to take that as a yes.
"Thanks! Just find me or hand him off to someone else when you want," she called over her shoulder as she headed towards the kitchen. Van heaved a sigh and stared down at the bundle in his arms. Willem stared back at him with big, slate-grey eyes, studying him solemnly before his eyes crossed. Van gave a tiny smile in spite of himself.
"Alright, little man. You can stay with me for a bit. Just don't spit that white goo on me again, agreed?" he said quietly as he shifted the baby into a more comfortable position and studied the tiny face. He'd never realized holding a baby could make a person feel so... fuzzy.
The image of himself cradling his own baby flashed through his brain, and suddenly all the fuzzy feelings were gone. Someday, he was going to have to produce a son, an heir to the Fanelian throne, and now Hitomi would never be the one that gave him a child. Someday, some woman would have to be found to take Hitomi's place by his side, though never in his heart.
Van stared down into Willem's now sleepy face, wondering about the baby he would never see: their baby, his and Hitomi's. Would he have had green eyes like his mother? Black hair like his father? Or if they had a daughter, would she have had Hitomi's sweet beauty?
His throat closed up and he swallowed forcefully. Those thoughts were stupid and self-indulgent. Van hoisted Willem onto his shoulder and forced the stony, indifferent mask back onto his face. Somehow he'd learn to take his future as it came, and he would do what was best for Fanelia without hesitation.
On his shoulder, Willem suddenly squirmed, grunted, and filled his pants with a loud, squelching explosion. He settled his head back down with a dreamy, contented smile as Van stared in horror at the spreading brown ooze leaking through his outfit.
Once into the bustling kitchen, Hitomi began to wonder if she'd been better off standing awkwardly next to a silent Van. The Goettenberg women's glances were sharp, and her reddened, slightly swollen eyes didn't escape their notice for more than a few minutes.
"I'm just getting a cold," she lied quietly when the inevitable question was asked. She ignored the skeptical looks and smiled unconvincingly when someone asked about Van.
"Yeah, he's going home tomorrow morning. I don't think we'll see each other again," she managed to say with an effort. There was a loud chorus of disappointment from everyone in the room, and Hitomi did her best to shrug casually.
"That's really too bad," Groszmama said, reaching up from her chair to pat Hitomi's arm. "The two of you seemed so... well, we all thought you were going to get a husband before our Annie."
Hitomi choked and felt the blood drain from her face. She felt like she was drowning in a bucket of ice water.
"What? And break our solemn oath of bachelorette-hood? My Tomi would never do that to me!"
Hitomi swung wide, grateful eyes to Annie as she sauntered past her through the kitchen. She snuck a taste from one of the overloaded trays and winked broadly at her with one sparkling brown eye. Groszmama swatted her hand like a naughty child.
"Ach, Annie! When I was your age, I was already married with a baby! And you can't even find yourself a husband!" the old lady exclaimed, shooing her away from the food, her eyes twinkling in her wrinkled, old face. All the rest of the the elderly aunts nodded their heads in agreement, all talking at once about how they'd all either been married or engaged by then, too.
"Find a husband, find a husband! It's like they've never heard of feminism," Annie muttered as they headed to the dining room to start setting the tables. She suddenly put down her stack of plates and looked up at Hitomi with a curious, worried look on her face.
"Tomi, you didn't mean what you said, did you? About not seeing Van again?"
Hitomi kept setting the table like an automaton as tears clouded her vision. Fork, knife, spoon. Napkin folded just so. Annie came around the table to put a hand on her arm gently.
"Tomi, talk to me," she begged. Hitomi flapped her hands frantically and blinked rapidly to keep the tears from falling.
"I don't know. I don't know what to do," she squeaked out in a panicky voice. "I just... I can't. I don't want to talk here, not now. Please. Let's just pretend everything's normal!"
"Okay, okay," Annie soothed. "Everything will be alright in the end, Tomi. You'll see. When you can think it all through, everything will be alright."
Hitomi forced a laugh through her tears. "What, you can see the future now?"
"That'd make it easier, wouldn't it?" Annie replied quietly as they started setting the table again.
"Yeah. Times like these, I wish I still had visions," Hitomi returned just as quietly. They both looked up as the door swung open and Van walked in, gingerly holding baby Willem. At the sight of him, Hitomi flushed bright red, then paled. His eyes quickly scanned the room, and after seeing just the two of them, he looked like he wanted to turn tail and run.
"Did you need something, Van?" Annie asked curiously. Van hesitated a moment, glancing uneasily at Hitomi before holding Willem out with a grimace.
"Yeah. He's, erm, leaking."
Annie tilted her head, looking the baby over. "Ooh," she said as she caught sight of the spreading brown stain and grinned. She made no move to take Willem from Van and instead propelled him out the door with her. Hitomi caught the slightly panicked look on his face and gave a watery giggle as Annie's voice drifted out of the room with them.
"You ever changed a diaper before, Van? No? Well, this should be very educational for you..."
Allen felt like his stomach was going to explode. Seriously, no normal human being could eat like a Goettenberg did and still survive! He was eternally grateful that the New Year's dinner was done, and not only because the thought of taking another bite made him break out into a cold sweat. Even with all the loud talking and laughing and general happiness around the table, seeing Hitomi's strained, pale face and Van's stony expression had completely killed his appetite. Even watching Annie literally squirming with embarrassment over her family's blatant attempts to try to hook the two of them up didn't help. What if he'd encouraged Van to do the wrong thing?
An elderly aunt came around with a tray of steaming mugs, and Allen groaned to himself as he forced a polite smile and accepted one. Annie sat nearby on the piano bench, playing silly duets with some of the little kids and generally adding to the overall racket. Van was nearby, pretending to join in a conversation with a few of the older men as he covertly watched Hitomi where she sat on the floor near Groszmama playing with a small toddler. Allen had the sudden urge to pour his scalding drink over Van's head and shout at him to swallow his pride and beg, plead, whatever it took to make Hitomi realize that she needed to go back to Gaea.
"Can you sing something for us, Annie? Please?" begged one of the little girls. Annie pinched her little cheek gently, and wrinkled her nose with a shake of her head.
"Do it, Annie. Sing us something pretty," Groszmama said from her chair as she rocked baby Willem. Annie pursed her lips but reluctantly agreed, running her hands over the keys thoughtfully. Hitomi smiled softly to herself as she watched the kids crowd around the piano for a song as the rest of her American family drifted in to listen. The tune Annie began playing was slow and sad, and Hitomi drew in a breath sharply when she recognized it.
I know there's something in the wake of your smile
I get a notion from the look in your eyes
You've built a love, but that love falls apart
Your little piece of heaven turns to dark
Listen to your heart when he's calling for you
Listen to your heart, there's nothing else you can do
I don't know where you're going
And I don't know why
But listen to your heart
Before you tell him goodbye...
Hitomi closed her eyes and focused on breathing. In and out, struggling to keep a blank mask on her face even as her pent-up tears threatened to fall.
Sometimes you wonder if this fight is worthwhile
The precious moments are all lost in the tide
They're swept away, and nothing is what is seems
The feeling of belonging to your dreams
It was too much. Hitomi pressed her way through the small crowd, slipping out of the room unnoticed.
(Listen to your heart...)
There was nowhere she could go to escape Annie's voice. She didn't want to think about it, she didn't want to listen.
(Before you tell him goodbye...)
Oh, god. She couldn't hold back the tears any longer. They fell in slow, searching tracks along her cheeks as she pressed her hands over her ears.
And there are voices that want to be heard
So much to mention, but you can't find the words
The scent of magic, the beauty that's been
When love was wilder than the wind
Listen to your heart when he's calling for you
Listen to your heart; there's nothing else you can do
I don't know where you're going
And I don't know why
But listen to your heart
Before... you tell him goodbye...
Hitomi heard the family clapping and she slowly dropped her hands to her sides. She didn't bother to wipe the tears off her face. What would be the point?
"Hitomi? Are you alright?"
Hitomi spun around, swiping an arm across her face hastily at the sound of the frail old voice. Groszmama leaned on her cane and scrutinized her red-rimmed eyes.
"Oh, I'm fine. It's just... that song always makes me cry," Hitomi lied quickly. Groszmama quirked an eyebrow, obviously completely unconvinced. When Hitomi only forced a shaky, fake smile and said nothing, the old woman turned around and headed back towards the piano room.
"Annie!" she called as she moved slowly through the doorway. "You play such sad songs. Can't you sing us something happy?"
Annie jumped and looked a little guiltily through the doorway where Hitomi stood in the shadows. She tugged on a piece of her dark brown hair, managing to look thoughtful and apologetic at the same time.
"Okay, you want a happy song? I can do that. Hey, Karl, lend me your guitar!"
She tuned the strings for a second before glancing up and waggling her eyebrows mischievously at Hitomi. Allen, seeing it, frowned heavily. That sort of look was usually followed by trouble. Or at least something completely inappropriate. Annie began to play, grinning.
When I was in my teenage years, I did just what I should
I listened to my mother and I was kind and sweet and good
And my friends and I did rituals, and I prayed with all my might
That this would be the evening that she'd stop along her flight.
Well, that was several years ago, and that chick's long overdue
And it's time I came to terms with something plainly clear to you...
She looked up and Allen swallowed a groan with a big mouthful of his drink. That twinkle in her eye could not be good.
The Boob Fairy never came for me!
No, the Boob Fairy never came for me!
Okay, I'm spunky, and I'm cute, and I've got a great personality-
But the Boob Fairy never came for me!
Allen wiped the hot chocolate he'd sprayed off the front of his shirt as the room erupted in cheers and laughter. Completely inappropriate was right. Not to mention completely untrue, he added mentally as he secretly eyed her front.
Still I harbor hopes she'll come for me- I know she will!
I'd get them done myself if she'd agree to foot the bill...
The Boob Fairy never came for me!
No, the Boob Fairy never came for me!
Look, I wasn't wanting melons, just a cute curvaceous B,
But the Boob Fairy never came for me!
Great Jichia. the girl had absolutely no sense of decency. Where the hell did she even learn a song like that? Allen pressed his lips together disapprovingly. Okay, he'd concede that it had worked. Hitomi was actually laughing, and even Van's stony mask showed mild amusement and surprise. Groszmama gave Annie a light smack on the leg with her cane.
"That's enough from you, young lady," she said sternly, but her eyes sparkled with laughter. Annie handed over the guitar and slid over to Allen's side.
"How about that one? I even made Van smile. And nice hot chocolate spray, by the way," she giggled, eyeing his splattered front.
"Yes. You're very talented," Allen muttered dryly with a strained, long-suffering expression. He just barely managed to stop himself from rolling his eyes at her.
"I think we should get going, though. Those two have got to talk sometime, and it's not going to happen here," she said thoughtfully, looking out the window at the late afternoon sun already fading into dusk. Allen nodded, and it wasn't long before the four of them were once again packed into the tiny blue car speeding back towards home.
Hitomi wasted no time retreating to the safety of her room once the tense drive was over. She dropped face down on her bed, mentally and emotionally drained, and she still hadn't figured out what she was going to do. She couldn't leave tomorrow with Van, and she couldn't bear the thought of living without him.
She wanted everything to stop. She wanted to drift away and become nothing. She wished she'd never heard of Gaea, or Van.
She heard her door open and shut gently and felt the bed shift as someone sat down. For a wild, brief second, she thought it was Van, but it was Annie's voice that spoke quietly.
"Tomi, in the three years we've known each other, I've never seen you run away from something because you're scared. I can't stand the thought that you're going to lose Van now because you're too afraid to go back with him. He loves you, Tomi, but more importantly, you love him. All the family and friends in this world aren't going to be able to replace him, and deep down, I think you know that. I don't want to watch you turn into an empty shell because you let your fears get in the way of your heart."
"I can't! I can't go back with him!" Hitomi sobbed into her pillow. "I can't be what he needs, I can't be a queen! I'm just a girl, an ordinary girl that doesn't know anything about that kind of thing!"
"Isn't a queen's duty to get pregnant and have babies? I know you can figure that part out," Annie joked, and Hitomi threw her spare pillow at her and sobbed harder. "Okay, that was bad timing for a joke. Sorry. But honestly, I think you'd make a very good queen. Anyway, Van would choose you over some perfectly brought-up, well bred princess hands down, but he's not going to have that choice if you say no. Someday he's got to have children. Are you okay with that?"
Hitomi felt like she was going to throw up. Behind her eyelids, she could see a scene of Van with his perfect-princess wife and their perfect little children with sickening clarity.
"But I can't... Annie, I can't just leave with him tomorrow. I'd never even get to tell my family goodbye," she whispered despairingly. Annie gave her a small half-grin and smoothed a few strands of hair off of her tear-stained cheeks.
"Well, why would you have to go tomorrow? Can't you go in a month or something? When you're done saying goodbye and getting your life in order?" she asked matter-of-factly. "I mean, the guy's waited what- six years? I'm sure he'd be willing to wait just a little bit longer."
Hitomi stared at her, her big emerald eyes full of uncertainty. Annie stood up and gave her a gentle look.
"Listen, Allen and I are going to leave for a while. Think about what I said, okay, Tomi?" She turned to leave but paused in the doorway. "Talk to Van. Don't wait until tomorrow to work this out."
Hitomi heard the front door slam and the roar of Annie's car as it drove away. She sat in the heavy silence of the empty house for a long time, wishing for a clear answer. It wouldn't come, no matter how hard she wished. Abruptly, she stood up and headed downstairs, thinking that maybe if she just saw Van again, if she talked to him, she'd finally know what she was supposed to do.
The main floor was deserted, and she eased herself silently down the basement stairs. She wasn't surprised to see Van practicing slow, methodical movements with the royal sword she had confiscated the first day he'd arrived. He had always had a habit of doing that when he was under stress. He was concentrating so hard that he hadn't heard her coming down the stairs. His back was mostly turned towards her with his shirt off, his muscles moving under his tanned skin as he swung his sword. God, how she wanted to reach out and run her hands over that skin.
"Van," she breathed quietly, and his sword stopped in mid-strike. He stood there, motionless for a long second before his arm slowly dropped until the tip of the blade rested against the floor. He didn't turn to face her.
Now. Now was the time to give him her answer. Because she finally had one. Hitomi licked her lips and drew in a breath.
"Van, I can't go back with you tomorrow."
AN: Um... don't kill me. Remember, there is one whole chapter to go, and if I'm dead, it'll never get finished. Yes, it's partly done, so hopefully I'll update a bit sooner this time... So, the two songs: "Listen to your heart" version by DHT (piano version) and "The Boob Fairy" by Deirdre Flint. Toodles!