Craig hadn't even noticed the rain that had started to fall as he made his way to John Paul's house. It was only when he had stopped before approaching the house that he had felt the rain on him, looking down at his drenched body and feeling a chill shudder through him. His hair was now sticking to his forehead and he could feel the droplets of rain falling down his face. He could feel them falling into his eyes, making them sting slightly, but he didn't wipe them away, he just looked up to house that looked so still, the only sign of life was a light in one of the upstairs windows. He knew he wouldn't turn back now, he didn't know why but this was the place he wanted to be right now, where he needed to be. He wondered if John Paul would even be in, it was Friday night – he might have gone out with Nancy and the others. What if he was in but not alone? How would he explain turning up at this time of night... he realised he didn't even know what the time was, he looked down to his phone and saw it was only 11pm, and as he finally reached the door, he knew he wasn't going back now anyway. He knocked on the door lightly, the rain now falling heavier than before. He caught his reflection in the window of the door, he barely recognised himself. He felt like it was seeing himself for the first time, all the words from Jake earlier in the evening running through his mind again.
The door opened and he watched slowly as the initial smile from John Paul changed to one of concern, clearly seeing how altered he was. He wasn't sure if John Paul said anything, all could seem to focus on were the two blue eyes staring at him and the hand on his own pulling him into the living room. They stood in front of the sofa, he could hear John mumbling something about his jacket, but he didn't care about that, he just wanted to look at John Paul. To feel anything other than the pain of what came from being rejected by his family again.
Craig felt as though he had slipped into some kind of daze. He could hear John Paul talking to him. Speaking to him softly, asking him what was wrong. He felt a cold chill and he looked down to see John Paul had taken his jacket off. He looked up at John Paul again who was now smiling slightly. Even that, even that one small thing managed to make him feel better. Even as John Paul walked away from standing in front of him into the kitchen, Craig imagined he was still standing there, still smiling at him in only the way John Paul ever did.
He looked around the small room, he looked at all the pictures on the walls, all the photos in frames, all the memories of John Paul's family. In everyone they were smiling, all huddled closely together, so comfortable in each others company, so happy to be with each other. And Craig couldn't help but feel envious, he remembered a time when he had that with his own family. The photos no doubt still hung on the walls in the flat, the memories were all still there, but now Craig questioned everyone of them – had any of them been real? Because in those photos he may have been smiling and acting like he had for so long, but he was never really being true to himself. Were those the only two options he had? To live a lie but make everyone else happy, or be true to himself and lose his family. Was it too much for him to have both? Was it too much to ask for his family to accept him? Craig could feel the tears forming again, as he thought back to times when they had been so much happier, when they had been happy together. And now they all seemed so far apart, and the thought that he could have lost his Mum suddenly hit him again. The tears now falling mixing in with the rain that had fallen on his face.
He was now looking down at himself, finally realising just how long he had been out in that rain. He felt John Paul touch his arm slightly and he looked up to see him standing directly in front of him again, the same small smile looking back at him, before feeling a towel thrown over his head, to find himself in darkness. He felt John Paul move closer to him and slowly placing his hands on the towel, he could sense John Paul's hesitance, but then it quickly was gone as he was slowly drying Craig's hair. Craig closed his eyes as he felt John Paul's hands softly massaging his head through the towel. John Paul pulled the towel off Craig's head and then he felt him slowly wipe the water from his face.
John Paul threw the towel onto the sofa and looked back at Craig. He smiled again, but Craig saw it change straight away as he saw the tears still falling from Craig's eyes. John Paul stepped closer and placed his hand on Craig's face and wiped away the tears that had just fallen. Craig couldn't help but close his eyes and lean his head into John Paul's hand. He needed to feel that touch. He needed to feel that close to John Paul.
"Craig..." the sound of John Paul's voice made Craig open his eyes. John Paul was standing closer now. The look of concern even stronger than before. "What happened? Please tell me..."
Everything felt some what clearer now. Craig could hear John Paul speaking to him. He could feel the closeness of his body against his. He could hear the pleading in John Paul's voice.
"I didn't know where else to go... and all I could think of was coming here and seeing you..."
"Its okay that you're here. I'm glad you came to me, but talk to me... tell me whats going on" John Paul's hand fell from Craig's face, and rested on his shoulder squeezing it tightly before guiding both of them to sit on the sofa, Craig felt John Paul's body turn to face his as he sat down, making sure they were still as close as they could be.
Craig took a deep breathe and looked down at his hands – the feeling was starting to come back to him and he realised just how cold they were. He felt John Paul's rest on top of them, and squeeze them reassuringly.
"Jack called me earlier and... my Mum, she was... in an accident. You know when someones talking to you and your trying to take it all in, but all you hear is parts of it... it felt like that. Just like one big blur,, and its bad John Paul... really bad..."
"Well Craig.. we can get you to the hospital... if you aren't up to driving..."
"I already went John Paul. I went there and I waited for what felt like forever to find out something, anything. I knew that it would be difficult to see them, to see everyone my family... but I figured it just wouldn't be an issue you know not now... I mean... not when she's in surgery fighting for her life, you'd think that they'd be able to put all that aside..."
"What happened?"
"Jake. The way he looked at me. At first it was like I wasn't even there, and then when he did look at me..." Craig stood up and moved across the room and stood by the window. "I really believed after a while, things would get better. That they would get past this. If I just gave them some time, then they would see that its still me... but I kept telling myself that everyday John Paul, everyday I stayed there and they looked at me like I was nothing. What did he expect me to do? Stay there and live my life like that? I thought me leaving would help, not just me... but them too" Craig looked into John Paul's eyes, eyes that he was pretty sure were filling up with tears. Craig moved away from the window and looked at the photos on the wall again, suddenly realising how dimly lit the room was. He could feel John Paul's eyes watching him as he moved around the room slowly.
"He told me to leave, my own brother. Our Mum is lying there, for all I know she could... and he told me to leave, and no one... he said that she wouldn't have wanted me there, that I caused her so much pain, leaving the way I did. That I wasn't welcome. And I really want to believe that its not true, I really want to believe that she would want me there. But I can't, because all I can think about is the last time we spoke, and how she looked me, and the way Jake looked at me... and I feel like if they don't care, then why should I..."
"Because that's not who you are Craig" John Paul sighed heavily "Because you do care. If you didn't you wouldn't have even bothered going there. And Jake can't speak for your Mum, and I know that I can't begin to imagine what it must have been like for you having to live with that, but sometimes people act a certain way because they don't understand something, they can't understand it, so react in ways that we don't always expect. But no matter what anyone says. No matter what Jake says she is still your Mum. And if anything this should make you see how important that is..."
"But I don't know to fix any of this John Paul, I can't change and she can't accept and she might not even... I keep looking at all of these photos of you and your family, you all look so happy, and there's pictures like this all over the flat... but they aren't real... not like these... even if I wanted to I couldn't go back there, but I didn't leave because I don't care about what they think, I left for the exact opposite because I do care about what they think of me, and it killed me watching them either look at me like I wasn't there or like they were disgusted. Does it make me a bad person for not wanting to live my life like that?"
John Paul stood up from the sofa quickly and moved towards Craig "No. No it doesn't make you a bad person at all. I don't blame you for leaving there, no one should be made to feel like that. And these pictures Craig, thats... thats all they are you know? Just moments... and yeah we're all smiling and we're all happy, but it doesn't mean there aren't secrets. It doesn't mean that I haven't been terrified. Terrified of what those 6 people are gonna think when they finally... when they finally see who I really am. I'm just as scared as you are. I've just got better at covering it up. One thing I would hope though, is that no matter how hard is for them to understand, that eventually they'd just see it as another part of who I am. Maybe I'm naive to think that way, in fact I know I am. But she is your Mum Craig and that means something. Sometimes these things happen to make us see whats really important. What we really need and want"
Craig tilted his head and looked at John Paul. He seemed to be realising for the first time how incredibly strong the boy opposite him was. To anyone else looking at him they would have seen a quiet person who rarely stood out in anyway. But even from the first moment Craig had seen him he knew there was something different, something about him to admired, if only he would believe it himself. John Paul was right. No matter what, above anything else, she was his Mum. And it didn't matter what Jake or anyone else had to say, because they couldn't speak for how she felt. He hear his phone go off in his pocket and he pulled it out. "Mum came out of surgery. She's stable. Steph."
Craig smiled slightly at John Paul "That was Steph. She said Mum's stable"
"That's great... " John Paul went to turn away from Craig, but again the feeling between them always kept Craig pulling him back.
"John Paul..." Craig grabbed hold of John Paul's hand and turned him round "I... Thank you. I really don't know what.. I don't know how to tell you how much this means to me... that you and me can talk like this, it means everything..."
"Craig... lets not do this... lets not say everything that we both wanna say, because we both know deep down this can only end in pain... I'm still trying to figure things out for myself, and you are really lucky that you have Tom... even in all my efforts to wanna hate him I can't... I can't hate someone who cares about you that much... and this between us... its just friendship..."
"You know its more than that..."
"You made your decision Craig. I can't be what you need me to be. You deserve someone who can admit to themselves who they are... not someone like me whose running scared and probably always will be"
"When I'm with you, its like I become the person I wanna be... I can't explain it... in my head I know I want everything you just said, but when I'm with you I can't see any of that its just you and me..." Craig moved closer to John Paul, he half expected him to walk away, but he had seen this look in John Paul's eyes before. He looked closely into the blue eyes before him, completely losing himself in them. "Just tell me the truth... I just need to know, how you feel about me..."
Craig leant closer to John Paul, their bodies touching slightly, he rested his cheek against John Paul's closing his eyes and breathing in deeply taking in everything about him. He might never be here with him like this and he needed to know "Please John Paul..." He could feel John Paul's breathe tickling his neck and he closed his eyes again, moving his arms to place them on the bottom of John Paul's back. Again pressing their bodies closer together once more.
"Craig... why are you doing this? Nothing can come from this... it doesn't matter how much I want you right now, how much I wanna kiss you and keep you close to me like this, because I know you can't do this... whatever you say you feel for me Craig, you love Tom and I know you wouldn't want to hurt him and thats why this is wrong..."
Craig could feel the tears falling again "What if I made a mistake? What if I took the option that was easier because I was too afraid to admit to how I felt about you, too afraid to admit to what was happening here between us, I do love Tom John Paul, I do, but its not the same, with you I... I can't even explain it, I try but I can't its just this feeling I have when I'm with you... can't you feel that too?"
"Of course I can.. but it doesn't.. its not right... I mean what do you want from me? You are with Tom. You can't have that and me as well. I don't even know if I am ready for whatever this is"
Craig moved his face from where it rested and looked into John Paul's eyes again, he could see the fear, but he could also see the affection, the same feelings that Craig was feeling the same want. "Tell me... tell me how you felt when you kissed me..."
John Paul closed his eyes and turned his face away "You really wanna do this? Fine. It felt like I was alive. After years of living as if I was nothing I finally felt something real because you made me able to... that night after the party I felt like things were finally in my control like I had made choices for myself, you made me feel like I could do anything. I felt so brave that night and it all came from you... and then I saw you kissing Tom, and I felt like it had all been one big lie again. There you were the night before telling me all these things and I believed them, I put faith in them..."
"I didn't think you'd ever... I was so scared..."
"And I wasn't? You terrify me and at the same time make me feel like..."
"I wanna kiss you..." The words had fallen out of Craig's mouth before he even had a chance to process them. He again expected John Paul to walk away, but instead he found that he was stuck to the spot, his face frozen as he looked into Craig's eyes, softening slightly as Craig moved forward and brushed his lips across John Paul's jaw line trailing kisses along before pressing his lips softly against John Paul's mouth. He didn't kiss him again. He waited and watched as John Paul closed his eyes, clearly relieving the moment of having Craig's lips on his own again. He felt John Paul step forward closer again, moving his hand up Craig's back, pulling at the fabric of the now damp shirt he wore. Craig leaned in again and stole another kiss, he felt John Paul reciprocate and moved their bodies as close as they could get. John Paul's hands were now in his hair, running his fingers aggressively through it, deepening the kiss further. Teeth biting his lower lip, tongues meeting.
It wasn't like any of the other kisses. There was something about it, something sealing between the two of them, confirming everything they had felt before, taking them back to the moment when they first met and it was just the two of them.
The phone was vibrating slowly on the table, the noise yet to hit, but as it did, it was like an alarm bell ringing off. Craig saw it in John Paul's eyes as he felt himself be pushed away. Craig reached for the phone and looked down, he said the name out loud automatically "Tom" John Paul shuffled backwards back into the kitchen, taking the towel with him.
"Erm.. you can stay if you want... no ones coming back tonight... just take the sofa... I'm... I'm sorry that shouldn't have... I shouldn't have let that happen... I'm going to bed..."
Craig tried to protest but John Paul was already gone and up the stairs and the sound of John Paul's door slamming shut said that he didn't want Craig to follow. He looked down at the phone, it was still ringing. He found himself again in a situation where he had to decide. And no matter how badly he wanted that kiss to have gone on forever, Craig found himself staring at the phone desperate to answer the call. He needed Tom. He loved Tom. But one thing he knew for sure, was that John Paul McQueen had turned everything he had been feeling around. And thats when he knew he was falling in love with him.