Chapter Twenty-Five: Erzulie Jan Petro II
**Old Missy**
Sister Mary Elizabeth had been lingering around the doorway of her office for nearly two whole hours while Grace mended one of Annie's dresses.
The day had been relatively slow, considering there was always something to do, but Grace had decided that Annie was outgrowing her dresses much too fast for her liking and with no knowledge of when they'd find more children's sized clothing, she decided to just try adding ruffles to the bottoms of Annie's skirts, hoping it'd work properly.
"Are you plotting something, honey, or is there another reason you're haunting my doorway?" She asked.
Mary Elizabeth furrowed her brow delicately, pulling away from sight.
Grace turned her attention back to her sewing, deciding the young woman would come around when she was ready.
Eventually Mary Elizabeth appeared back in the doorway, standing at the threshold nervously.
"Mother Superior?" She squeaked softly. "May I," she frowned, "um, I know you're not Mother Superior anymore, I mean."
"I'll always be Mother Superior to you, honey," Grace said. "Maybe not God's Mother Superior, but if you need to talk to someone…"
Mary Elizabeth took a tentative step into the room, just enough to be inside, but not at all eager to move deeper in. She looked very troubled and it was enough to cause Grace to put aside the dress for a moment to eye her. The young nun opened her mouth, but closed it again with a shake of her head.
"Let not your heart be troubled, believe in God, believe also in me," Grace said softly.
Carefully the young woman closed the door, crossed the room and eased lightly onto a chair across the desk from Grace.
"It's not my place to pry," she said. "And I'm not, but I feel you'd understand best my situation if I could ask you something. About your decision to…" she trailed off, searching for a way to say what she was heading for.
Grace, knowing exactly what the woman was trying to get at, smiled gently. "Why I abandoned my vows?"
Mary Elizabeth looked down at her hands, clasped tightly in her lap. "It's just. Lately I've been having, well, I've been struggling with things. The way the world's gone, our role, God's role. I mean, we've been given guns and told to shoot at creatures who were once human and…still human, I suppose, though…How would you know? I mean, how'd you feel when you made the decision? Do you think God's," she swallowed thickly and leaned in ever so to whisper, "do you think he's abandoned us? Has the world really ended? I mean, the rapture and the dead rising and I don't feel that feeling I had when I took my vows. And if it is the rapture and we weren't taken to heaven, then are we being punished? Is this a test of faith or are we meant to still be here? Did God leave us on Earth to…what? How will I know if perhaps I'm still doing God's work or if he intends for my plans to change?"
"Mary Elizabeth, let me tell you a story, bear with me it may be long, but it may help." Setting down her sewing, Grace eased back in her chair, resting her spine and eyes from her work for the moment. "I joined the order - I got called to the fold one day when I was eighteen. I was baking brownies for the summer watermelon festival our church had. I was fresh out of high school, looking at my future and trying hard to find a place for myself. I was mixing the batter, humming a hymn to myself when. It was almost like a cloud parted and the sun came out in full force, the day was blissful, green grass, fluttering butterflies, the magnolia blossoms were just beginning to wilt and fall from the trees, still clinging to the spring , I suppose. God called to me. I had just that winter attended the funeral of a dear friend and had no real intentions to give my heart to anyone but God and so I talked to my step-father about taking my vows. I was raised Baptist, but when my mother remarried, I was converted to Catholic, so I figured he'd know best how I could serve God and man at the same time. I became a nun, it didn't seem like such a large step for me. I loved my duties as a nun, I liked simple things, still do. I suppose I'm very dull in that I find traditions and culture to be my idea of perfection. Heaven for me is a rocking chair on a covered porch and honeymoon whist with a smiling, companion, so life as a nun was probably the only thing I've ever been cut out for. As the Mother Superior of this convent, I was quite possibly at my happiest. I had wanted something more, I suppose. I felt like I wasn't doing good here, when I could have been working the missions in Africa or South America, but I couldn't have asked for a better placement in retrospect. When things began to go wrong with the world, when I realized things had gone wrong, I was confused and horrified and when I looked to God. I prayed day and night until my knees were bruised and my knuckles scraped from worrying my fingers during prayer. But I found Him absent and while to this day I still turn to Him, I," she paused, frowning. "I'm not saying God has left us on our own, but He may have His hands full of more important things at the moment and I have to say that the comfort I've found with Lafayette in God's absence is," she stopped again, it was hard to put into words how she felt. "I will and always shall be a servant of God and perhaps it is just weakness of the flesh, but I must admit that it's nice to have the freedom to choose. I can't tell you when your doubts are right or wrong, but I can say that you've seen the step I've taken back into the secular world. The other sisters are very understanding and kind about it, they've never made me feel like a devil for it and I think whatever you decide, you'll never be alone." Reaching across the desk, she took hold of Mary Elizabeth's hand and squeezed it gently. "God is merciful, most merciful, I honestly think He would understand given the situation we're in."
"But what if it's a test?" Mary Elizabeth asked. "What if he's testing our faith?"
"Okay," Grace said, sitting back in her chair. "I'm going to talk to you, woman to woman, for once God will not factor into it. I left the order, I abandoned my vows. And yes, I'm involved with Lafayette, at the moment it's still very innocent, but I admit at times I've felt the sin of lust creeping upon me, but, honey, I'm happy. The dead are walking around, the end times have come, the four horsemen are scruffy and one of them has a blade where a hand should be and God is preoccupied, but I'm happy. I've found that place for myself, the one I have been looking for since the age of eighteen. And whether God forgives me or not, I can't control it. A mere woman like myself can never even begin to understand what God thinks or what He finds punishable. I've always been of the school of theology that believes God to be merciful, not wrathful and merciful means empathic and understanding. My situation isn't yours, I can't tell you what to decide, but I wouldn't think too much with your brain. Follow your heart, that's where God speaks to us when prayer fails."
Mary Elizabeth nodded. "It's just. I feel that as a secular woman I'd feel more comfortable holding a weapon or…" she worried her bottom lip, "Mr. Mamet has this notebook and today he was scrawling in it a genealogy tree of our tribe, that's what he calls us, he said that in four or five generations we'd be forced to start inbreeding. That's only if we don't get fresh blood in our group and well I was thinking, we'd have a better chance at survival in the long run if even…it's not temptation of the flesh, I'm thinking logically. To serve God, to keep His word and His teachings alive, perhaps we'd better serve Him at this moment in time, if we integrated with the others more. If we helped to build a future for ourselves. If our tribe continues on, if we keep these people alive, then we can better keep God alive as well, couldn't we?"
"Honey," Grace began with a wry smile, "I'm not going to be the one to give you the go ahead to go out and perpetuate our 'tribe' by impregnating yourself."
"Long term though," she said with shining eyes, "we'd be doing a service, wouldn't we? Mr. Mamet figures if even you and the Lieutenant had a child—"
"I'm a little old for that, honey."
"If," she insisted. "We'd have one more generation before the inbreeding event as he called it. But if the sisters, even one or two of us were to offer our wombs, we could keep our tribe alive longer, long enough, at least, to perhaps make peace with more groups, take in fresh blood—"
"I think, Mary Elizabeth, short term, my concerns are surviving and finding a way to salvage this dress. You would do well to ask Sister Mary Claire to start taking Mr. Mamet his meals. I think he's worrying you far more than necessary."
"I think I'll reflect on God and my role with Him a little longer, Mother Superior," Mary Elizabeth explained, standing up and brushing the skirts of her dress off. "But you've helped me more than you'll ever know, thank you."
"I hope you find peace, honey." She returned as Mary Elizabeth skittered out of the room like the little church mouse she was.
Still, Grace furrowed her brow at the door. She had certainly never thought that far into the future, lately it had been day to day survival. Whether the game was still thick enough for Merle to hunt, whether they could can enough or grow enough to survive the winter, all these things were top of her list of things to think about daily, but she had never given any thought to the long term.
It did make sense. In their group, if the new woman and her son remained with them, they only had four children (counting Carl as he was young enough, she supposed). But if there was no more children born, there wouldn't be a new generation.
She realized that they were indeed a tribe now, with their own culture and traditions and unless they wanted to become like the Beothuk's, they'd need to continue their tribe in any way necessary.
Suddenly, Grace was hit with the reality of the long term. As much as no one wanted to think of it while the threat of the abominations was still lingering, they'd need to worry about perpetuating their people or Judith and Annie would be the last of them. Even then, if no children were born, by the time the older generations were gone, who'd be there to take care of Judith and Annie, to have their backs in times of trouble?
There would need to be some serious thought put into this, she realized. Something she'd dismissed as the whimsical worries of a young woman was something quite serious when given detailed thought.
She'd talk to Carol first, Carol was someone who she trusted to put serious thought into the matter and there wasn't anyone whose opinion she held higher than hers.
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Carol was weeding her rose patch when Grace found her later on, the woman was kneeling down, plucking out weeds and churning the earth around the wild roses Daryl had planted for her, when Grace eased down on the grass at her side.
"Haven't seen hide nor hair of you all day," Carol greeted.
"I've been trying to give Annie at least one more year with her dresses," Grace returned.
"I bet if you asked Glenn, he'd be able to find you the right sized clothing for her."
"Well, Annie is growing like a wild thistle daily, I wouldn't be able to give him the right size. We'd need to actually drag Annie out and get her to try things on, it'd save that poor boy from bringing home fifty thousand pounds of children's clothing each time he left the convent."
Carol smiled. "I remember now. Sophia used to hate trying on clothes."
"Carol?" Grace asked, getting down to brass tacks. "May I ask you something? It's something that's recently been brought to my attention and I'd like a second opinion on the matter."
Brushing her hands off, Carol rocked back onto her bottom, eyes darting to where Rick was entertaining Judith and Annie with weeding the vegetable garden. Like Grace, her eyes were always darting to check on the whereabouts of the children.
"What is it?" She asked.
Feeling foolish and unsure how to approach the topic without sounding ridiculous, Grace worried her bottom lip for a moment, before tilting her head. "Have you given the future of this group any real thought?"
"Not really, beyond getting ready for winter already and thinking about other useful survival tips we could utilize."
"Today it was pointed out to me that should we continue to remain fairly isolated our group may eventually trickle down to nothing."
Deeply interested, Carol moved in closer to Grace. "You mean like losing people to the walkers?"
"No," Grace frowned at the grass. "How many children are in the group, Carol?"
"Judith and Annie, and that new boy Nadir." Carol replied.
"And how many do you see being born any time soon?" Grace went on.
Not as obtuse as most, Carol's mildly confused face transformed into one of understanding and she inhaled. "Oh, you mean the future future." She was quiet for a moment. "I suppose we have a bit of a duty to keep our people going in the long run, hm?"
"Well, not you or I, certainly," Grace said with a breathy laugh. "I think bearing children is a young woman's game."
"Well, I can't have anymore," Carol said. "But…can you?"
Grace shook her head quickly, "that isn't at all what I wanted to discuss with you, really." She said. "I just wanted to know if we should perhaps make this known to the others, maybe it would encourage them to start thinking more about our group's future. Sister Mary Elizabeth said that Mr. Mamet was doing some research into the bloodlines of our group's future. I thought maybe you'd like to get in on this discussion."
"Well," Carol said, "I think first thing, I'd like to talk to Milton, see what he's got figured out."
"I think that's a good idea, Carol, I don't know why I didn't think of it."
Carol smirked roguishly. "Well, you had babies on the brain."
"Not me, certainly," Grace returned archly, eyeing the Lieutenant who was unhelpfully lying on a small stack of two by six boards as Karen and Glenn hauled them off the back of the truck Glenn was using to gather supplies from the DIY store in the nearby town. "And certainly not with that Cajun creature. Good heavens, Carol, he's like a stray dog and he's getting worse every day with nothing to occupy him."
"Well," Carol said as they stood up to go and talk with Milton in the infirmary, "he was playing Risk with Daryl earlier but you know how that game always ends and it's never good."
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When they entered the infirmary Milton was buried beneath piles of papers, furiously scribbling on his rolling hospital tray, while the new guy eyed him quietly.
Grace offered the hard-to-like man a gentle smile and he returned it with a nod. It seemed without someone to piss off he became withdrawn and easily bored. And because Milton was such a docile fellow, none of the taunts the man, Cash, threw his way made a dent. It soon passed that Cash just kept his mouth shut and existed, watched over by Father O'Rourke who didn't seem capable of rising to any of his nonsense as well.
The priest nodded a greeting to the women as they passed, turning back to his bible and afternoon tea.
"Mr. Mamet," Grace greeted. "How are you today?"
The adorable, bespectacled man looked up at her quietly. "Grace, Carol," he said in his soft, mild-mannered way. "You're both about the same age, right?"
"I think I'm older by a few years," Grace returned.
Milton frowned. "How many?"
Grace and Carol looked at each other.
"Forty-four," Carol said.
"Three," Grace returned to Milton.
Milton recorded this on his crowded piece of paper.
"Whatever are you writing, Mr. Mamet?" Grace asked.
"Records," he said. "For future reference."
"I see. Mr. Mamet, could we speak with you about something you said to Sister Mary Elizabeth?"
"The subject of Jesus' gender was mere speculation, Sister," Milton said hurriedly. "I didn't mean offence by it."
"Not that, honey," Grace assured him, before she stopped. "Wait, what?"
Carol broke in gently. "Milton, you were doing some speculation on the group's future?"
Milton smiled brightly, proud to have the chance to show off his hard work. "I was making speculations on the bloodlines of our tribe, yes. Would you like to see the chart?"
"Yes, please."
Scrambling through his papers, Milton eventually pulled out a particular chunk of papers, all taped together to form a large poster sized chart.
"You, see, by making rough estimates about lineage, I've managed to get a rough idea of when our group would be in genetic trouble should we continue to disallow newcomers. This is only to see for myself how long, given good weather, clement winters and lack of infected outbreaks, our tribe will live on in a healthy manner."
Smoothing out the chart, Grace and Carol both looked it over.
"You have a theoretical child marked down for me and the Lieutenant?" Grace demanded.
Milton nodded proudly. "Yes, the age of menopause in women has been getting pushed back in the last few decades and from the information I've been able to wean from sources around the convent, I know that you still menstruate, so you very well could bear a child. This is all theoretical…" he slowed down nervously, "of course." Swallowing thickly at Grace's disapproving look, Milton's smile faded. "Well," he began, "I had to be fairly accurate in my estimates."
"Who told you about my," she struggled for a way to word it, "time of the month?" Grace inquired, holding a hand to the base of her throat, feeling bared to world.
"Oh, my sources can't be named."
"Milton, I can't bear children, if that will help your research," Carol said.
Milton looked disappointed. "Well, that's awful for you, Carol. I've come to understand that you're a very good mother figure. But on the upside, what tribes of our kind need are matrons and nursemaids, especially with the dangers to children these days."
Studying the chart further, Grace frowned. "Wait, you aren't on here."
"No," Milton said. "The statistics on me finding someone with whom to bear a child would be fairly slim, so I didn't bother."
Carol reached out and touched a kind hand to Milton's shoulder as Grace eased onto a spot on the bed, moving a few papers over to do so.
"Okay," she said. "So, what would you recommend us to do to prepare for the continuation of our group?"
"Well," Milton began, eyes flashing, eager to lend his expertise, "I think the more children we have sooner, the better chance we'd have to continue for longer. Plus, if we brought in fresh blood now and then, it couldn't hurt our chances, but that's more for down the line."
"But more mouths to feed would mean the need for more food," Carol pointed out.
Milton nodded. "Yes, I've thought of that. I've already spoken with Merle and he thinks we could easily extend our wall before winter. Even if we extend it about ten feet out behind the dorms, we could have more room for more garden and maybe another dormitory, plus we could clear some forest, plant some wheat fields outside our walls and I was planning on testing the structure of Father O'Rourke's little home to see if we could build another story on it for more people to live in. Also, if what Glenn tells me is true and the infected are thinning out outside the walls, then we'd be a lot safer to plant a field nearby. Of course this would be in a few years, but I can assure you, the need for all that will be great then. If my estimations are correct and I can get the solar panels up and running, we'd have a fairly decent place here for furthering our tribe's civilization."
"Would you continue to think about this for us, Mr. Mamet?" Grace asked. "To do the thinking about the future for us? Advise us on what needs to be done?"
Milton nodded. "Of course, I sort of thought you might want to know, I was just waiting until I compiled everything neatly.
Pushing to her feet, Grace smiled at him. "And, honey, I'm willing to forget about you knowing of my lady period if you make me a solemn promise?"
"Anything," he returned.
"Don't tell Lafayette about this theoretical child of ours, it'd make my life a lot harder to bear."
The man nodded. "Sure."
"And you come to us when you're ready to present everything, when the time comes we'll gather everyone, they should all know about this."
Nice to see all you loyal reviewers sticking by me with patience! ^_^
Merle's Right Hand - Curling is oddly fascinating, I must say.
trinitee64 - For a second I read that as saw and thought, sure, why not?
itsi3 - I did have fun in the Amazon, until I tried to liberate a golden idol and some French jerk got a local tribe to chase me to my plane. Long story short, there was a snake on that mother fucking plane. No bueno.
Brazen Hussy - Good to be back! Missed all my reviewers! ^_^
BanannaFlvdSnow - Harvey is a wonderful movie. But then again I have a thing for Jimmy Stewart, so...
missdaryldixon - Aw, thanks. A little ego stroking is good for an author's health and that just made me healthier than an apple eating llama.