Summary: His life had always been perfect, or at least so Roxas had liked to think. But overcoming his own fears for someone else isn't as easy as it seems. When both his own and his lover's past threatens their unstable relationship, Roxas has to face the truth: His life was far from perfect. But at least it was better than Axel's.
Warnings: I can't think of anything. Then again, there's nothing actually new in this chapter.
Pairings: AkuRoku main, RikuxSora, ZexionxDemyx side pairings. Possible LeonxCloud later on. Much, much later though. Oh, wait, no, actually they are mentioned in this one! :D
Disclaimer: I still don't own KH, I don't own SquareEnix and I don't own Disney, so no, I don't own any of the characters. And I don't earn shit by writing this. Only praise. And reviews. Lotsa reviews. :)
Chapter Dedication and special thanks: Hurr, let's see...
Kuraieshi, for not being mad at me and still betaing my story;
SkyeFlyte, for being reviewer #1000 (HOSHIT!);
kawaii shu-chan, for the fanart;
Niemti, for moar fanart;
Mindless Musings, for the fanvid;
Kirah Ruth, for planting the idea for this thing here inside my head with their fandrabble;
kurosora1984, for being awesome;
kotilo, for same.
Thank you guys so very much! o3o Oh, and you, who's reading this right now: Check my profile for the links to fanart and fanvid!
Thanks to: My reviewers, again; but, this time, not all of them. Because, you see, there was a reason I didn't update for so long. Forget that, there were plenty of reasons, but there was one in particular that pissed me off. One-word-reviewers. Or, as I also call them, Update-nags.
(Edit: Very harsh, stupid and useless rant was deleted. I'm very sorry about it.)
Also, I'll stop trying to mention every reviewer here. They are getting too many. For Heaven's sake, I think I got more than 200 for the last chapter alone! And as flattering as that is, it's getting really time-consuming to reply to them. And time is something I won't have much of in the near future.
Well, but now, to this Interlude: No, this is not the next chapter. This is the first of two parts, telling Axel's side of the last few chapters. This one is from Roxas' confession to the scene where Roxas leaves the pictures of Axel and his sister at Axel's house, the second part, which isn't finished yet, will tell from there till the end of chapter 23. I guess then you'll know if or if not Axel really went to see Roxas. ;) I found it rather interesting to write Axel's point of view for once instead of Roxas'. Plus, this interlude gave me the opportunity to write another dream sequence. Yay.
But keep in mind there will be nothing actually new here. Some of the scenes are the same as in the last chapters, just showing Axel's thoughts on them instead of Roxas'. If you find it too boring to read the same story twice, you probably shouldn't read this as well.
Perfect Match – Interlude Part 1
Who are you?
Never in his whole life had a question held as much meaning to Axel. And even though he knew he would never receive a satisfying answer to it, the question continued to repeat itself over and over and over in his mind, creating a gruesome choir with all the accusations, all the lies he had read. It couldn't be true...
But now he was here, in this empty classroom, holding Roxas' arm so tight it had to hurt. He wanted to yell at the blond, he wanted to shake him and tell him not to play with him like that; he wanted to ask if Roxas thought it was funny to come up with all those lies.
And he looked into frightened blue eyes, and he knew it was true. It was almost too much to bear; Axel could feel his body grow cold, and he quickly let go of the blond, folding his arms to hide how badly his hands were shaking.
"Who are you?" The question forced its way out of his mouth, even though he wanted to hold it back. He knew it would only cause pain, and he didn't want to know the answer to it. Yet he blurted it into the silent classroom, because, even though he didn't want to, he needed to know the truth.
I'm Sunshine, Roxas would answer now; All the letters told were lies. I'm your Sunshine. I'm not that person in the letters…
"I'm… I'm Roxas," Roxas whispered, and only when Axel heard his voice, shaky and broken, so unbearably guilty, he could no longer tell himself the letters had been wrong. He knew what Roxas wanted to tell him now. He didn't want to hear it, but he had no choice but listen.
So he listened, listened to Roxas' trembling voice, listened to the horrible words, listened to the terrible truth they told; and he watched, watched as the deepest and most beautiful eyes he had ever seen lost their sparkle and closed slowly, and a mouth which seemed to have forgotten how to smile a long time ago moved only reluctantly.
Roxas talked, and Axel watched him. He heard the words, but couldn't believe them. He saw Roxas' dejected stance and knew he had to believe.
He saw how pale Roxas was, how his slim shoulders sagged as soon as he started talking, and how pained his expression was. He saw his hands fidget with his wristband, like every time he was nervous or upset. He saw how his whole frame was trembling, and he wanted nothing more than to step forward and hug the younger boy, wanted to run his hand through spiky blonde hair and kiss his forehead, whisper to him that it was okay. He wanted to tell Roxas it was alright, that he didn't care, that he didn't believe those lies, that nothing was wrong. He wanted to drive away the overwhelming sadness in Roxas' clear blue eyes. He reached out, his hand shivering and his fingers feeling cold like ice…
But he knew he couldn't. Nothing was alright. Everything was wrong. His hand dropped to his side again.
"I… hated them for… for loving me," Roxas said, and Axel had to sit down. He didn't know why, but something in Roxas' voice startled him even more than the words themselves did. He felt weak; he felt betrayed. Roxas talked about those people like they weren't important! He talked about them like they still didn't matter to him! How could he be so… cold? And yet… the longer Roxas talked, the more Axel realized how upset he seemed to be. No, Roxas wasn't upset because of all those hearts he broke. He was upset because of Axel. And only because of him. And… and he didn't know whether to be angry or happy about that.
No… This person in front of him was not his Sunshine. But it wasn't the same person who was described in the letters, the same who did all those things either. This upset, sad, desperate boy Axel saw… He didn't know him. He didn't understand him. Why did all this affect him so? Shouldn't he be proud that he had managed to even lure Axel into his carefully constructed trap? So why… why did Axel have the feeling Roxas would break down any moment now?
Who are you?
Axel reacted too slowly when Roxas opened his eyes again. He knew he should look away, so he would not be enchanted by their beauty again, but he also knew this was a fight he was going to lose anyway.
But he was careful not to show his own distress at least; Roxas should not know how much this affected him. He had opened up to this stranger too much already. He should have known better – opening up to anyone would only hurt him in the end. How naïve he had been, trusting Roxas so willingly.
"You were… different," Roxas said, and Axel almost gave in when he heard how his sweet voice broke at the end. It took all of his remaining willpower not to jump up and embrace the small, sad boy in front of him.
Different? But how? Even though Axel heard Roxas' explanation, he could not understand it. Strong? No, that he sure wasn't. He acted like it, for Demyx and Zexion and Riku, but it was never enough.
He wasn't different. Hadn't Roxas played with him, just like with his other victims? It had taken him a bit longer than usual, but in the end he finally got to break yet another heart.
So why was he so upset? Did he just act? Did he really feel bad? Did he lie? Did he tell the truth? Did he believe he told the truth? Axel didn't know what to think anymore.
So when he noticed the tears gathering in Roxas' big eyes, when he heard him whisper, "I'm sorry…" he didn't know what to do but leave. There was nothing he could say. He couldn't comfort Roxas and tell him it didn't matter, but he couldn't yell at him either. He couldn't stand his tears, and he couldn't stand the lies. So he left, and he refused to look back.
He left school, hurried to get home without waiting for his friends. He ran to his room and slammed the door shut, his bag dropping from his suddenly weak hand. He stepped back, staring at the bag wide-eyed, his heart beating as if he was afraid of it…
Well, wasn't he?
He sat down on his bed, drawing his legs up and covering his face with his hands. Roxas' words still reverberated inside his head. The few letters he had read so far joined in with malicious joy.
'He said I was beautiful, and then he asked me if I wanted to go home with him.'
'At first he was very shy… but that quickly changed as soon as we were at his home.'
'I always thought he was cold-hearted, but one look into his eyes… and I was lost.'
'I know he enjoyed it. I know it. He whispered to me… that he had never before felt like this…'
'… told me to leave…'
'… told me I was beautiful…'
'… told me I was scum…'
'… told me he loved me…'
Axel gasped, a sound that was very loud inside his otherwise silent room. He ripped his hands away from his face, only to raise one of them to cover his mouth again. He tried to stay calm, but his breathing grew somewhat more erratic.
"You are beautiful…"
"I guess I thought you liked me."
"I'm sorry…"
"I don't have a type! And if I had, it would be tall, skinny, red-haired, green-eyed, and... and... straightforward, and honest, and smart, and nice, and funny, and witty, and caring, and passionate, and... and... breathtaking, and gorgeous, and beautiful..."
"Why do you want to be with me?"
"I would never want to keep you a secret."
"Can I kiss you?"
"I love you."
"Liar!" Axel whispered into the silence, but Roxas' gentle voice kept repeating the last sentence over and over and over again in his mind. He gasped for air and looked up to the ceiling, blinking to force back the tears that had started to burn in his eyes.
"I love you," Roxas had said, and it had sounded so honest…
Axel could remember this moment clearly, how angelic Roxas had looked in the dim light of the stars… how fearless… how pure… His wet, blonde hair had been sticking to his beautiful face, and his eyes had shone even in the dark. He hadn't been scared, even though Axel had yelled at him and had tried to make him go away. He hadn't been scared, even though he had known what Axel was capable of when his memories overpowered him. No, he had just looked at Axel, had touched his face so lightly… Axel had wanted to cry because he had tried to defile such pureness, such innocence only moments before…
"I love you," Roxas had said, and those had been the most beautiful words Axel had ever heard, coming from the most perfect person he knew. His Sunshine. His reason to forget. His reason to get better. His beautiful, beautiful lie.
'He told me he loved me.'
"Liar," Axel repeated, even more quietly than before, and he hated how shaky his weak voice sounded. He looked down again.
After a few minutes he grabbed his bag and pulled it up to him. He still had some reading to do.
Letters were strewn all over his bed when he heard the front door downstairs open. He didn't even register it. His eyes were still glued to the light blue sheet he was holding in one hand. He was sitting on his bed cross-legged, his chin propped in one hand while he repeated the sentence he had just read.
He didn't look up when the door to his room opened. He didn't hear the relieved sigh Riku heaved when he saw Axel sitting on the bed. He kept reading the same sentence over and over again, silently mouthing the words…
"Here you are," Riku finally said, leaning against the doorframe. "You could at least have said something before you left school."
"Mhm," Axel mumbled without looking up. Riku seemed to wait for more, but Axel didn't care. His eyes wandered over neat handwriting again.
"Demyx was worried about you," Riku added.
"Sorry," Axel replied, starting to chew on his lower lip. It couldn't be…
"That's it?" Riku asked, and he sighed when all he got for an answer was a weak shrug. "What are you doing here anyway?"
"Nothing," Axel muttered. He let go of the letter, watching it float down. He could hear Riku step closer, and he forced himself to look up.
"You look like shit," Riku commented and smirked. The smirk however faded quickly when Axel didn't attempt to counter the insult.
"Probably," Axel answered instead, looking down at the light blue letter again. Thoughts were racing through his head, but he never managed to grasp them and think them through… It couldn't be…
"What's that?" Riku asked, and from the corners of his eyes Axel could see the other boy reach out for one of the letters.
"Don't touch them," he hissed, and Riku's hand hesitated for a second. When he glared up to Riku, he could see a smirk tugging at the corners of his lips. Scary, how much he looked like his brother when he did that… Axel shivered, but quickly grabbed Riku's hand.
"Oh, I know Roxas gets love letters all the time, but I didn't know you get them as well," Riku teased him and tried to wrench his hand out of Axel's tight grasp. Axel tightened his grip.
"Get out," he forced through gritted teeth. Riku blinked at him confused, but then he grinned again.
"O-ho, don't I get a look? What did they write? That they fell head over heels in love with you…?"
"Right, as if anybody could ever love a freak like me," Axel snarled, and he immediately regretted the words. He shoved Riku back, rising from his bed. Riku now seemed confused.
"What are you talking about?" the silver-haired teen asked, and he gasped surprised when Axel pushed him back again. "Hey…"
"Get out," Axel repeated a bit louder. "Leave me alone!"
"Axel, what…" Riku tried to speak up again, but he stopped himself when suddenly Axel grabbed his collar and shoved him against the wall. Axel knew he could only do this because he had surprised Riku; the other boy was stronger than he was. But right now he didn't care.
"Get the fuck out of my room, Riku," he yelled, feeling rage cover his thoughts like a blood-red veil.
"Only if you tell me what the hell is wrong with you!" Riku replied just as angry… but his face fell when he looked into Axel's eyes.
Axel knew they were filled with tears by now. He didn't care. He was too tired and exhausted and way too messed up to care. But he refused to let the tears fall.
"Axel, you… you're…" Riku stammered, falling silent again and staring at Axel wide-eyed.
"Please," Axel said, and again his voice sounded shaky and weak. He closed his eyes and hung his head to keep the tears from falling. His hand let go of Riku's shirt. "Please, leave."
"What's wrong?" Riku asked again. His voice was gentle and soft now; Axel had rarely heard him talk like this.
He suddenly fell to his knees, his legs feeling too weak to carry him anymore. He could clearly picture the look of horror and shock written all over Riku's face now, but he didn't look up. Instead he laid his arms around his torso, to keep himself from falling apart.
"Please," he whispered again, squeezing his eyes shut. No, he couldn't cry in front of Riku.
"Axel…" Riku said hoarsely, and Axel could feel a hand touching his shoulder.
"Please, please leave me alone," he begged again, and he could barely keep a slight tremor out of his voice. He curled up, tried to shut out the outside, tried to shut out the pain.
The hand on his shoulder retreated slowly, and a moment later Axel could hear the door to his room close behind Riku. He heaved a shuddering breath, feeling both relieved to finally be alone and terrified of being alone; his fingers dug into his upper arms until it hurt, but it was nothing against the raging fear inside his chest.
He opened his eyes again, no longer caring about the tears now that he was alone. He looked at his bed, at one sheet of light blue paper especially. He was drawn to it, even though he already knew exactly what it said. But still he crawled to the bed and grabbed the letter with a trembling hand, reading one specific paragraph in the middle for the hundredth time.
He wiped his eyes with the back of his hand, even though he knew it was no use; he stood on still shaky feet to stumble over to his desk; he reached out to one particular folder.
'Have you ever taken a look at his notes?' the letter screamed at him in his mind. His hand closed around the folder and pulled it out of the heap of books and papers.
'Have you ever noticed the drawings?'
Axel opened the folder. He skimmed the neatly organized notes inside it, Roxas' elegant handwriting, without actually seeing the words.
'Don't think you are special to him.'
There… and there… and there…
'He draws everyone he takes home with him.'
S-So many…
'And when he's done with them, he crosses them out.'
On almost every page…
'I don't think anyone but me noticed it. I just did when I borrowed his notes once.'
They were barely recognizable, but underneath the scribbles…
'I noticed my own picture back then. And when I asked him about it, he shyly told me he noticed how pretty I was and that he just had to draw me.'
Faces… there were faces, crossed out, garbled, lost between the notes. And he knew those scribbles… He had seen them before, in Roxas' room… The pin board… it… it had been full of those things…
'I wonder how long it will take until he crosses you out?'
It took Axel hours to read all the letters. He was glad that after a while the pain dulled. When Riku knocked on his door in the morning, he barely felt anything anymore.
He collected the letters and put them into the folder again, cramming it into his bag along with his notes. Then he left the room, greeting Riku outside, and went down to the kitchen, ignoring all the questions Riku asked.
He stared into his cup of coffee the whole time, never answering Demyx' and Zexion's questions. He was surprised a little how calm he felt; but mostly he didn't care. He didn't care about anything. The letters finally stopped repeating themselves inside his head, and he relished the emptiness they left behind.
He went to school with his friends, absently telling them to mind their own business when they tried to get him talk again. There was nothing he could tell them. Why did they keep asking him what was wrong? Everything was alright, was it not? Finally fate had realized it had made a mistake by granting him a glimpse at a life he could never have.
He grinned when Demyx whispered he scared him by acting like he did.
He laughed when Zexion asked him if there was something they could do to help.
He remained silent when Riku accused him of being selfish.
Maybe he was. Did it really matter? At least like this he could survive. He always had survived this way. He had survived like this when his parents had died, when the children in the orphanage had shunned him and had talked behind his back; he had survived when Leon had abandoned him to search his father; he had survived… that place, that torture, that hell, one day to the next, a week, a month, a year, all of his life. This was the same, wasn't it? He didn't allow himself to feel, crushed his emotions beneath the emptiness. It was so much easier this way.
He overheard Riku talking to Kairi between two classes, and he listened as Kairi told Riku that Sora would stay at home; when Riku asked what had happened, she answered, "Axel happened." And that was all she said before she went to meet up with Naminé again.
Axel smiled, even though he didn't know why. After the last class he left without waiting for Zexion, whom he had shared the class with. He ran down a hallway, and another one, and another one, until he opened a door.
About twenty pairs of eyes looked at him confused; just one pair of grey ones seemed not very surprised to see him.
"Can I talk to you?" Axel asked calmly, still somewhat out of breath. Leon just stared at him for a moment longer, then he nodded.
"This would be all for today," he told his class while he picked up his papers. "No homework. I'll see you next week."
"But Mr. Leonhart, we didn't even start yet…" one boy piped up.
"Enjoy your free time then," Leon answered and left the room.
They left school in silence, and Axel stared down at his feet all the way to Leon's house. They also stayed silent while sitting outside in the back yard, watching the waves down at the beach roll onto the white sand. After a while Axel sighed and closed his eyes.
"Do you have something to drink?" he asked and heard quiet clattering of Leon's many belts when the older man rose from his seat to go to the house. When he came back Axel just raised a hand. Something very cold was placed in it. Axel looked up to take a look at the can in his hand.
"Shouldn't you… dunno… keep me from drinking or something?" he asked with a small smirk as he opened his beer. Leon next to him did the same. "You being my teacher and all…"
"You're old enough," Leon answered curtly.
"I'm eighteen…"
"Old enough here on Destiny Islands," Leon clarified. "You're officially allowed beer and wine here. Besides, it's not like you didn't have your first beer at age fourteen."
"True," Axel agreed and took a sip. It tasted delicious. "Pretty liberal legal drinking age, isn't it, Squall?"
"Well, teens here aren't as fucked up as they are in Hollow Bastion," Leon answered, and Axel had to laugh at this. "And it's Leon for you."
"Yeah, sure…" Axel smiled and continued to watch the beach. Some mothers with their small children were playing in the warm water, and a breeze ruffled the palm trees. It was very peaceful, and suddenly he felt like he didn't belong here at all.
Axel looked at Leon, who just stared back calmly. And Axel found that, to his surprise, he didn't feel bitter anymore. Ever since Leon had left the orphanage, the desperate, brotherly affection Axel had held for him had been tinged with the bitter feeling of loss and betrayal. But now… now he could look at Leon, and there was no strength left to feel bitter anymore. Maybe it was because he was older now. Or because he had found new friends.
And maybe… maybe he just couldn't care anymore. Maybe he now could finally embrace the fact that… nobody would ever really care about him.
They stayed silent for a while again, and sometime later Leon brought more beer outside.
"What did you want to talk about?" the older man asked quietly, sitting on the railing of the porch. Axel opened his second can and took another sip. He thought about Leon's question for a while, still staring at the calm scenery down at the beach.
"Did you ever regret that you never told Rinoa you loved her before it was too late?" he finally asked, and he was both surprised at his own question… and the fact he actually got an answer.
"Every day," Leon replied, and he didn't look Axel in the eye when he whirled around to stare at him. Instead it now was his turn to look at the beach. He frowned, playing with a ring he still wore on his right hand.
"Why? I thought…" Axel blurted out, but stopped himself when he realized he hadn't thought about it at all. Why had he even asked? He felt his eyes widen a little. What had he been thinking?
"I sometimes wonder if we'd still be together," Leon admitted calmly, startling Axel even more.
"I thought you were happy here," the redhead said confused. "I mean, you have a job you love… you are in a new relationship…"
"I am happy," Leon agreed, even though nothing in his expression indicated he really was. "And I wouldn't want anything to change. It's just… sometimes I wonder what it would have been like. She was my first love, after all. And… if I ever told her, maybe we could still be friends…"
"But… why?"
"She was good for me," Leon explained thoughtfully. "Without her I would probably still not be able to have a serious relationship."
"But she cheated on you!"
"I can't really blame her." Leon dropped his empty can and ran a hand through his dark hair. "I couldn't even blame her back then. She was lonely. She didn't know how I felt for her, because I never told her. I didn't understand how much she needed to be loved." He smiled sadly, startling Axel even more.
"When did you turn into such a sap?" Axel tried to joke, but Leon still just smiled at him.
"What she did was just as much my fault as it was hers," he explained quietly. "Had I not been too busy to see her faults, I would have noticed how much she did for me. Had I not been so proud, I would have made her stay."
"But everything worked out fine for you," Axel muttered. "You found someone else…"
"Everything worked out for me," Leon agreed. "And everything worked out for her. But that doesn't mean it works out every time. Sometimes you have to fight." He jumped from the railing and walked to the door.
"Squall…" Axel called out, once more calling the older man by the name he had known him by when they had been still kids. Maybe he had been wrong. Maybe there was still strength left for him to care. He heard Leon sigh, but this time he seemed to let the use of this unloved name slide.
"What is it?" Leon asked, and for a moment Axel hesitated, wanted to stay quiet…
"Do you love Cloud?" he asked meekly, even though he knew the answer.
"Yes, I do," Leon answered without even hesitating a second.
"Do you tell him?" Axel couldn't hold the question back.
"As often as I dare to. As often as he lets me. I learned my lesson," the older man replied gently. "But that's not what you wanted to ask."
No. It wasn't. But Axel was scared of the answer to his question.
"How do you know?" he heard himself whisper, and he let his guard down completely. It didn't matter anymore. He didn't need to be strong here. Leon would not tell anyone about their talk. Axel felt tears gather in his eyes, but he couldn't let them fall. "How do you know it will work out? How do you know he tells the truth when he tells you he loves you? How do you know you won't get hurt?" He closed his eyes and felt the first tears roll down his cold feeling cheeks.
"I love you," Roxas whispered inside his head. Liar! he screamed wordlessly, and he wished he could just have shouted it out loud.
"You can't know that," Leon answered. "You have to have faith. You have to trust him."
Axel couldn't help a bitter laugh escaping him. Of course Leon knew Axel wasn't talking about him and Cloud anymore. Everybody had noticed it, it seemed. Oh, why not? Why shouldn't everybody see how miserable Axel was? It didn't matter anymore. How much more could his heart possibly break now?
Without another word he jumped up and left. He ignored Leon calling out for him and telling him to go home; he ignored Cloud, who just entered the house when Axel rushed past him; he ignored a young man yelling after him when he nearly knocked him down in his haste to get away. Where to? He didn't know. Just away from friends who told him to trust someone!
How could he trust someone he didn't know?
Of course he ended up at the beach. He always seemed to end up there; the fucking island was so small, sooner or later he would always end up at a fucking beach.
He stared at the sea, suddenly feeling helpless and small and caged. Back in Hollow Bastion he would have been able to run away; he would have been able to go to Twilight Town or Neverland or fucking anywhere if he wanted to.
Here he could just circle the island, and eventually he would get to the part of the beach that belonged to the Harada mansion. To that dreaded beach where… where he had tried to kill Roxas. To that dreaded beach where they had kissed. To that dreaded beach where…
"I love you…"
"Liar!" he yelled, finally releasing all the pain, all the fear, all the anger, and he ignored all the people who turned to stare at him confused. He dropped to his knees, repeating his bitter lament over and over again, until his throat felt raw and his head started to hurt; he stared at the setting sun and never noticed the tears wetting his pale cheeks.
Eventually all the other people left the beach. Mothers shooed their children away from him, couples left in a hurry, a group of kids playing down at the shore fled the beach, frightened of the young man with crazy red hair and startling green eyes and freaky tattoos on his face, who screamed his endless accusation out to the sea. Nobody dared to talk to him, or to ask him what was wrong. But nothing, nothing, nothing was wrong. He had just been an idiot. He had just been too credulous. And now he was hurt, and it was his own fault. He had fallen for Roxas' pretty mask, and not once had he even tried to look past it. He had so desperately wanted to believe that Roxas could be the innocent angel he had wanted him to be…
Axel sat in the warm sand, and he didn't know if his body trembled because of anger or because of the overwhelming pain.
"I love you…"
'I wonder how long it will take until he crosses you out?'
His breath came in ragged gasps by now, and it was so hard to breathe… The sky and the sea were burning, and the sight was so horrid, so beautiful it hurt.
His eyes felt heavy and dry, the stiff breeze tried to take all warmth from his body. He shivered, closed his eyes when the wind made his hair tickle his face. He didn't attempt to brush it back. Instead his shivering hand felt around for his book bag.
He pulled out the light green folder and threw it into the sand, flipping it open while pulling out his lighter with his free hand. He ripped some of the letters out of the folder.
He grinned when he held them in front of his face, crumpled and ripped, ready to be destroyed. They had taken away his happiness; now they could help him feel better again.
He knew his laughter sounded hysteric and wrong when he set the first letters on fire. He threw them high into the air, watched with childlike glee as the wind tore them out to the burning sea without mercy. The next letters were lighted, and he felt the warmth of the dancing flames in his hands; he smelled the smoky scent of the burning paper, and he savored the beauty of the small fire. Mesmerized he stared into the flames before he opened his hand to let them go.
Just the empty folder remained in the sand, and Axel laughed as burning shreds danced in the breeze, following the sun to the horizon. He still laughed when the last of them vanished in the quickly setting darkness.
But his eyes felt heavy and dry, and the insane laughter died down again; Axel closed his eyes for a moment and only opened them again when he felt his backside hit the sand. He uttered a choked gasp when he fell backwards into the warm sand, the impact driving the air out of his lungs. He stared up to the sky, but didn't see the stars yet. Strange; his whole body seemed to grow cold and heavy… He felt tired… So… tired…
His eyes closed again. Too little sleep and exhaustion, both mental and physical, took their toll on him; the rolling of the waves was his lullaby, and his sleep was deep and dreamless.
He woke before dawn, and it took him some time to realize where he was. He felt cold; it was always warm on the islands, but he still felt cold. His clothes were full of sand, and his eyes felt scratchy.
He got up, feeling drained and empty. He somehow got home; he sneaked into his room without waking his friends, took a quick shower and left the house again without talking to them.
On his way to school he kept his gaze fixed to the ground. He sat down next to the still closed gates, smoked two or three cigarettes while he waited. Leon and Cloud showed up a few minutes later; Cloud took the cigarette from him and flicked it away.
"Idiot," he simply said. "Stop making my cousin worry about you."
Axel just smiled, but stayed where he was. Leon followed Cloud inside, obviously concluding it would be no use trying to talk to Axel now. He had known him long enough to know what that hopeless little smile meant. It was the same smile a certain four-year-old had shown when he had been introduced to the other children in the orphanage. It was the same smile the very same redhead had always put on when those children had made fun of him; when he had calmly explained to Matron it had been him who had started the fight, when everybody knew it was a lie; when he had told Leon he was happy for him, now that he had found his father, and oh, no, he'd be alright, it would be okay for Leon to go…
It was faked, through and through, and Leon had known him long enough to see that.
Axel watched small white clouds wander over the perfect sky. He ignored other students who passed the gates next to him. He lit another cigarette, but only took a single drag before he threw it away again. He thoughtfully followed the bluish-white smoke curling up to the sky with his eyes and thought of burning letters.
When he finally decided to go inside he still was the first one to enter the class room. He flopped down onto his seat and waited for his classmates to show up. He knew he should have been surprised to find the seat next to him empty when their teacher entered the room and silenced the whole class with a glare, yet somehow he wasn't.
He didn't even look up when Mr. Xemnas asked if anybody knew why four people were missing, and yet he knew everybody was staring at him now.
He stayed silent. For all he knew they could throw a party over at the Harada mansion. Why should he care?
It took only minutes until the door opened again. Axel still refused to look up. Only when Mr. Xemnas' deep voice announced the names of the four tardy students, his eyes moved; he didn't want to, but he still looked to the front of the class.
He didn't even notice the other three. It was always like this. The only thing he would see was Roxas, every single time they were in the same room; even though the blond seemed awfully pale, even though he was obviously shaking like a leaf, even though fear was shining in his unnaturally blue eyes, Axel couldn't take his eyes off him.
Far, far away Axel listened to the lies Sora, Kairi and Naminé told their teacher. He was too busy keeping himself in check to actually register what they were saying. He noticed his fingers dug deeply into his arms; the pain helped a little, and at least he didn't feel like he would suffocate every moment anymore.
But his traitorous heart, it ached to run to the front of the room and comfort the small, scared boy with the sad blue eyes. He wanted those deep blue eyes to shine with happiness again, he wanted Roxas to smile; and he grew more and more irritated, because he felt this way, the wrong way, instead of wishing for Roxas to hurt. Oh, he wanted Roxas to be hurt, but he needed him to be happy; he couldn't stand seeing him like this; so desperate and fearful, so broken and hopeless…
He forced himself to look away, but even when he closed his eyes, those sad blue eyes wouldn't go away. His heart pounded in his chest, so slow, so loud, so painful, everybody in the room had to hear it and know everything.
Angrily he gritted his teeth and looked straight ahead again. From the corners of his eyes he saw a flash of black and white and yellow pass him, but mere anger and hurt pride kept him from looking to the side.
He could do this. He knew it would hurt, but he had been through worse than that.
He only realized how wrong he had been when he noticed how loud his own voice reverberated in the otherwise silent classroom; how hysterical and wrong and desperate his laughter sounded; how angry and emotional and hateful the words spilling from his mouth were.
He stopped, too late… What had he said? Oh no, no, now they all knew, now his filthy, wretched past was revealed, and the man with silver hair in the front of the room, why were his eyes so glaring aquamarine…?
He raised a hand to touch his suddenly tight throat, tried to gasp for air, but it was no use; he could hear maniac laughter, and even though he knew his teacher's eyes were amber colored, he felt like aquamarine ones were watching him. He wanted to scream, but still couldn't breathe…
"Mr. Kouen?" his teacher's voice penetrated the insane chuckling ringing in his ears; Axel pressed a hand over his mouth to keep the fearful whimpers inside, and cursed himself for being so weak.
"I… I think… I'm gonna be sick…" he forced out, suddenly fully aware all of his classmates were watching him; and cerulean eyes were watching him too, and he couldn't stand the thought, because their owner would know what was happening to him, because he knew everything about what Axel had just shouted into their teacher's face and more, so much more, too much, too much, too much... The next thing he knew was that he stumbled against the wall in the hallway outside the classroom.
It took all of his strength to move on, one hand always keeping contact to the wall to avoid him falling down; two times he almost tripped in his haste to get away, away from maniac turquoise eyes, and even though he knew he couldn't get away, he had to try. His free hand reached up to pull at his red hair, and the sharp pain helped to drive away the feeling of gloved hands running through it…
"Leave me alone!" he whispered feverish, and when his hand touched the door to the bathroom he opened it, only to slam it close behind himself again. He took a few more steps until he ran into the opposite wall. With a gasp he collapsed, both hands shooting up to his throat, to make the feeling of squeezing hand cutting off his air go away…
'Yes, cry for me,' a voice inside his head whispered. 'You are so beautiful when you cry.'
"Go away," he whimpered.
'Axel,' another voice said, and at once Kadaj's snickering was silenced. Axel gasped, finally able to breathe normally again. 'Nobody will hurt you, I promise.'
With a small sniffle Axel pulled his knees up to his chest and pressed his hands against his hurting eyes. He wanted to cry so badly, but he couldn't, couldn't, couldn't…
The door opened. Axel winced, and before he could stop himself he lowered his hands. He knew who it was. He shouldn't have looked, but he did it anyway.
Roxas seemed relieved to see him, and Axel felt his face contort into an ugly scowl. It was irrational and immature and unfair, but Axel couldn't yet grasp the fact it had been Roxas, Roxas' voice, Roxas' sweet words that had kept his memories at bay; it was unfair, but Axel wanted Roxas to hurt, just like he did.
How dared he to act so relieved! How could he still hold up that sweet façade! How could he still act like he cared!
"Are you o-" Roxas started, but instantly fell silent when Axel hissed at him to shut up. The blond looked to the floor. His bangs hid his eyes from Axel's view, but the redhead somehow knew they were filled with tears now.
Why is he always crying so much? he thought angrily, and he tried to smother the feeling of guilt, the ache to hold Roxas.
He rose from his sitting position on the floor to splash some water to his face; it didn't help at all, but he needed to do something to keep himself from either hitting or hugging the other boy in the room.
"I'm not okay," he spat, still holding onto the sink with trembling hands. "Do I look like I'm okay? I'm not okay." And then, even though he didn't want it, he added, "I'm… I'm so tired…" The last word sounded much like a sob in his ears, and his own helplessness fuelled the anger boiling inside him.
He turned around, wiped his burning eyes with both hands. He needed to cool down again… He didn't dare to allow himself to cry here, he needed to think of his friends… They needed him, they still did…
"I can't afford breaking down now… Demy still needs me, and Riku… he finally believes me when… when I say I'm getting better… I can't…" he whispered, squeezing his eyes shut for a moment. He knew it was futile; he didn't believe his own words. Demyx had Zexion to look after him now, and Riku had never believed him when he had told him he was alright. And yet he tried to tell both himself and the other boy in the room that there were reasons for him to stay strong.
A tired sigh fell from his lips, and he raked both hands through his hair in an attempt to calm himself down. But then he opened his eyes again, and so suddenly it surprised even himself, his fear turned into white-hot fury. His head whipped around, his eyes bore straight into surprisingly dry, blue ones, but Roxas quickly averted his gaze, looked at the mirrors instead.
"Do you think about me like that as well?" Roxas asked, and for a moment Axel was stunned. How could he stay so calm? Back in the classroom he had looked like he would faint every moment, but even though he was very pale now, his voice sounded strong, and his face sported an almost tranquil expression.
"What do you mean?" Axel heard himself ask; he didn't get Roxas' question. He had heard the words, but what did they mean?
"Do you think I'm one of those fucking rich emo kids who live in a mansion and don't know what loneliness is?" Roxas clarified, and his voice still sounded gentle. "Like that guy who wrote the book? Do you think I don't know other problems than too little pocket money? Do you think I'm like that?"
Axel stayed quiet for a moment. He was quite taken aback, to tell the truth. He barely remembered his words from before; he hadn't been quite all there back in the classroom.
But still he pondered on Roxas' words for a moment. Was Roxas like those rich kids he had learned to hate back in Hollow Bastion? Those kids who had made fun out of screwing the kids from the Southern Districts over?
A quiet hiss escaped him, and he could see Roxas wince, only slightly, but it was there.
"No," he snarled, and added, "I didn't think about you like that as well. Now I don't know what to think anymore."
And it was the truth. Right this very moment there were far too many thoughts screaming in his head. And one of them grew louder and louder with every second…
He saw Roxas nod slowly, as if he had expected Axel to say something like this.
'I wonder how long it will take until he crosses you out?'
"Did you cross me out yet?" he asked, even though he didn't want to know the answer. This time Roxas didn't seem to have expected it; his eyes widened, and his head jerked around, his lips parted as a surprised gasp escaped him. He stared at Axel, and his eyes were just like a few days before, when Axel had confronted him in that empty classroom. Wide, scared, and so unbelievably guilty, it hurt Axel just to look at them.
And at the same time they were so beautiful he couldn't tear his gaze away.
"W… What?" Roxas asked, and his voice nearly broke.
"All the pictures… the ones in your room. They were crossed out. Did you cross me out as well?" Axel asked, grimacing in disgust when he thought about the pin board, about all the scraps of paper pinned to it; so goddamned many, and his picture had probably already joined them… "Have I already joined your bizarre… gallery of tested idiots?"
"What?" Roxas repeated, and now his voice broke for real. Oh, now he acted like he cared! Now he acted like he was sorry! Now he acted as if he had cared about what they had at all!
All the sweet lies, all the sweet kisses, all the sweet smiles had been nothing but fake. Fake!
"How could I be so naïve and actually believe I was special?" Axel spat furiously, and he finally managed to tear his eyes away from Roxas, who still stared at him so fucking scared; he punched the wall hard, and the sharp pain shooting up his arm only fuelled his anger. He should have known! He should have seen that Roxas had only played with him! He should have known!
He no longer cared about keeping the rage he felt inside; he grabbed the nearest door and slammed the door shut, and oh, how satisfying it was to watch Roxas jump and press up against the bathroom door, his already pale skin now completely draining of color. Finally Axel was able to feel like he was supposed to. Finally he was able to relish Roxas' fear, his pain, his guilt.
"I was just another moron who fell for your little show, right?" he yelled, kicking another door. He didn't even notice his fists clenching.
"No!" Roxas shouted, his eyes wide and his whole body visibly shaking already. "You were… You are not like them! You are special! I lo-…"
"I love you."
Lies! Nothing but lies!
"If you tell me you love me now, I swear to God I will leave Destiny Islands and go back to Hollow Bastion!" Axel roared, and his eyes narrowed slightly when he stared into Roxas' eyes again. Oh yes, he would rather put up with living on his own in Hollow Bastion again. He would rather put up with the threat of Riku's brothers finding him there. He would rather put up with having his fucking heart ripped out of his chest than listening to those lies again! "How many of them did you tell the same? Do the words still have any meaning to you?"
No. They couldn't still have any meaning to him. Axel was sure Roxas had told all of his victims exactly the same. He was sure of it. They meant nothing to him!
"But I never… I never told…" Roxas whimpered, and for the tiniest moment Axel was tempted to believe him. He wanted to believe him so desperately, and he wanted to believe the sadness in his eyes, the desperation written all over his perfect, awfully pale face, was real.
'He told me I was beautiful.'
'He told me he loved me.'
'He told me to leave.'
"I'm so goddamned tired of your fucking lies!" Axel shouted on top of his lungs, and again Roxas jumped and shied away. But he refused to look away this time.
"It wasn't a lie!" the small blond screamed. "I never told them something like this! You are the only one…"
"And how should I know if you're not lying now?" Axel interrupted him harshly. At first it seemed like Roxas wanted to reply… but then his mouth closed again, and he looked down to the floor. His bangs were hiding his eyes from Axel's view once more, and Axel wished he could see them again, shining with happiness like they used to; wished for it so desperately it broke his heart.
"You can't know," he finally replied. Regret and pain coated his choked voice, and still it sounded so beautiful to Axel… "You'd have to… trust me."
Axel froze. Trust him? Trust him? How, after all he had learned about him? How, when he didn't know…
"But I guess that would be a bit too much to ask, huh?" Roxas continued, his voice growing softer and quieter with every word.
… when he didn't know if anything Roxas had said was true?
Axel could only stare at him. He was still panting for air, partly because of all the screaming he had done, partly because Roxas' mere presence took his breath away. It still did, and Axel hated himself for it. His eyes were drawn to Roxas' face again, and the despair he found there made the anger inside him cool down, until only empty sadness and disappointment remained.
"I should have known," he muttered defeated. He couldn't look at Roxas anymore, not even when he shoved the smaller boy out of his way. He heard Roxas whisper a question, but he couldn't answer. When his hand touched Roxas' shoulder, he briefly felt like he had to break down and cry, like he had to collapse in front of his blond angel and beg for his forgiveness, like he had to embrace him and hold him and kiss him and never let go…
But he let go again and left the room. Only then he dared to open his eyes again; he looked out of the window at the opposite wall, and he felt tears stinging in his eyes. The beautiful, perfect scenery outside seemed to mock him. He didn't belong here, in this perfect, tainted paradise.
"I should have known you were too perfect to be true," he whispered. Yes, he should have known it wouldn't last. Hadn't he learned already that nothing good ever happened to him?
But at least he seemed to have realized this by now, because it now was easier to look at Roxas. It was easier to act distant, easier to sit next to him without looking at him; easier to hurt him, even though he never wanted to hurt Roxas on purpose. It was easier to forget about the things he had said, and about the things Roxas had said. It was… easier to forget how happy he had felt.
It was easier not to feel at all.
He somehow managed to drag himself through all of his classes. Oh, he knew he was acting snappy and bitchy towards his friends, but it was the only way he knew to hide how hurt he was. He even managed to get over with his classes without looking at Roxas anymore; only during sports he found himself unable to keep his eyes off Roxas for too long. He was sitting on the tribune next to the sports field, slouching in one of the uncomfortable seats, just a few seats away from Demyx and Zexion. His friends kept glancing at him when they thought he wouldn't notice. But he ignored them, like he had done all day.
He stared up to the bright sky, but it reminded him too much of a certain shade of blue he would never be able to forget. So he looked down again. And of course, his gaze was drawn to a certain spiky blonde head in the crowd of boys down on the field.
He knew he shouldn't have felt worried, but he saw how pale Roxas still was, and he noticed how his movements lacked their usual grace. Roxas was running all the time, but soon enough he was panting for air. Yet he didn't stop running. He was tired, even Axel could tell that from his seat. Yet he didn't stop running.
He shouldn't have felt worried. It wasn't his fault Roxas was overstraining himself. But when one of the other guys on the field pushed the smaller blond so hard he fell down, and when he didn't stand up again and just kept lying there, gasping for air and eyes wide open, Axel couldn't help but feel like he should run down there and beat that other guy to bloody pulp.
He knew he was straightening up a little in his seat; he knew his eyes widened worried when Roxas didn't move.
But then his eyes locked with cerulean ones for a split second, and Roxas' eyes widened, mimicked the worried expression in Axel's own; and then he scrambled to his feet and continued to run, as if nothing had happened. Heck, he even smiled and laughed at something Cloud said. And nothing could have hurt more than this serene, carefree smile.
Axel wanted to run down now, he wanted to grab Roxas and shake him and yell at him, that he should be miserable, that he should stop smiling, that he… that he had to act like he cared.
But instead he leaned back and curled up in his seat again, careful not to let his anger show. He stayed like this until Riku showed up after the end of the class, and then he went home with his friends.
He tried to escape them as soon as he had closed the front door behind himself, but looking up he found himself fixed by three pairs of eyes. Well, two pairs, a sole dark blue one, and one made out of glass.
"What the hell is wrong with you?" Riku spoke up first. Of course. It was always him who spoke up first, even though it was Demyx who noticed something was wrong most of the time.
"Nothing," he answered and tried to act as cheerful as possible without being suspicious. Judging by their dark expressions, he hadn't acted very well. "Why do you ask?"
"Why do I…" Riku repeated and shook his head. "Damn it, Axel…"
"I really have no idea what you're talking about," Axel affirmed innocently. He grinned when Riku's eyes took on a murderous glare. "But you seem a bit off right now…"
"Stop it!" Riku yelled and stepped forward.
"Stop what?" Axel retorted, still grinning like a maniac.
"Stop acting!" Riku answered. And then he did something Axel had already been waiting for.
But he still uttered a surprised gasp when Riku's fist connected with his stomach. He doubled over, wheezing and holding his stomach and trying to resist when Riku grabbed his collar and shoved him back. He stumbled a few steps, almost fell, but managed to hold onto something. Coughing and grimacing he tried to straighten up, but the pain in his abdomen kept him from doing so. He fell to his knees instead.
Damn, he had completely forgotten how hard Riku could hit.
But almost instantly he was hauled to his feet again, a hand closing around his biceps like a vice. He automatically raised his arms to protect his face, but another blow was dealt to his side, and Axel couldn't hold back a pained yell. But this time he managed to strike back, and his fist connected with the side of Riku's head. The punch wasn't directed very well or very forceful, but at least it made Riku let go of Axel's shirt for a second.
Flashing aquamarine eyes met Axel's, and Riku looked like he wanted to attack Axel again. But by now Zexion and Demyx had overcome their shock and stepped between them, Zexion holding Riku's arm and Demyx clutching Axel's shoulder.
"Stop it, you two!" Zexion hissed sharply. Axel and Riku glared at each other again, and for a moment it looked like Riku would just shove Zexion out of his way. He could do it easily, no doubt, but seconds passed by, and Riku didn't move.
"What the fuck is wrong with you, Riku?" Axel panted, gently brushing Demyx' hand from his shoulder. He ignored Demyx' sad look. "I'm fine, I tell you!"
"Then why did you hold that nice little speech of yours in Literature?" Riku snapped angrily. "Why did you almost break down yesterday, when I was in your room? Why were you missing all night?"
"How do you know about Lit-" Axel started frowning, but he stopped himself when Riku took a step forward, only to be stopped by both Zexion and Demyx.
"I know you only have eyes for one person when he's in the room," Riku spat, but stepped back obediently, crossing his arms. "But Sora was in that class as well. And I, unlike someone I know, talk to my boyfriend."
"He's not…" Axel tried to speak up, but again he had to interrupt himself. He sighed and looked to the floor, rubbing his temples. Oh, he could feel a headache approaching, and it would be far worse than the bruises Riku had caused. And they would bruise, no doubt. Axel winced and pressed a hand against his side, but cursed himself when his move just intensified the pain.
"What happened between you two?" Demyx spoke up shyly, his melodic voice strained and full of worry. Axel didn't even dare to look at him. He knew he would give in when he looked into Demyx' innocent eyes.
"Nothing," he lied and ignored both Zexion's and Riku's frowns.
"You're such a bad liar," Zexion commented calmly.
"I'm fine," Axel insisted stubbornly. He didn't know whether he tried to convince his friends or himself.
"You are special," Roxas cried inside his head. "I love you…"
"Yeah, everyone can see that," Demyx… sneered? Sneered? Axel stared at the smaller boy surprised, and it was true, a smirk adorned Demyx' face. A bitter, mirthless smirk, but a smirk nonetheless. "You are fine. You are so goddamned fine you are about to break down, but you won't tell us what's wrong. You never do." He sighed, and the strange, unfitting smile gave way to a hopeless one. "I'm sick of it." And then he left.
Axel gaped at him as he retreated upstairs, but quickly put on a neutral expression again when Zexion roughly squeezed past him to follow Demyx.
"You fucked up big time, asshole," Riku added before he, too, followed his friends upstairs.
Axel was left alone in the hallway, and even though he despised himself for it, he felt relieved. Now, finally they would stop asking questions. Finally they would stop worrying about him. It was better this way.
About half an hour later the door to his room opened. Axel didn't look up from his homework. He kept chewing on his pencil while he tried to remember the exact date of the beginning of the Second Keyblade War. And had it been General Terra or General Ven who had led their men to victory? Wait, hadn't General Ven died before the war had ended? And what about General Aqua? Hadn't she won that one battle almost on her own, when all her men had already been slain…?
"I'm going to visit Sora," Riku said quietly, and still Axel refused to look up. "Do you want to come along?"
Axel didn't answer. Instead he reached out and turned on his stereo. Ah, yes, he liked that song…
"Do you want me to tell Roxas something?" Riku insisted.
Axel turned up the volume.
"Do you want me to ask him anything?" Riku tried again.
Axel started to hum along with the song.
"Are you going to stop acting like an asshole anytime soon?" Riku asked coolly, just loud enough for Axel to hear over the music.
Axel rose from his chair, moving along with the beat, and started to sing on top of his lungs. His voice wasn't nearly as nice as Demyx', and he didn't hit all the notes right, but he didn't care. He danced around his chair, felt the music flow through his body, and tried to forget about everything else.
With a swift kick he closed the door. He smirked at Riku's glare, and, without ceasing his rhythmic movements, reached out to turn the key of his door around twice.
He heard Riku knock twice, and jumped back to turn up the volume, still singing along. Oh, he loved dancing… he loved how easily the beat made his body sway and how quickly his dark thoughts died down. Nothing was left but movement, nothing but the rhythm, nothing but…
His hands brushed up his arms, and the slight touch made him shiver.
Cold, gloved hands brushed over his skin before they closed around it in a bruising grip…
Small, warm hands glided over his arms before they moved to link behind his neck, pulling him down…
His long fingers touched his lips, and he sighed shakily.
Hot lips moved on his, forced his mouth open, small, perfect teeth sunk into his flesh, drawing blood…
Soft lips met his, shy, deliberate, needy, but cautious, perfect in every way, and his heart fluttered inside his chest…
He raked his hands through his spiky hair, and a small sob tore itself from his trembling lips.
Slender hands closed around his hair and pulled, harsh, rough, painful…
Delicate fingers weaved through his hair, tender, maybe a bit clumsy and a bit too greedy, but so gentle, so loving…
He collapsed in the middle of his room, leaning against the bed for support; he rested his head on his arms, panting for air even though he wasn't out of breath, and he tried to shut out the memories, both of his tormentor and of his beloved angel. He still could feel Kadaj's hands all over his body, and he shuddered violently, and he could hear Roxas whispering sweet nothings to him, and his hands clenched around his sheets when he shivered again, but this time it felt… better. He closed his eyes, and he could see aquamarine eyes, could see cerulean ones; he opened them again and could feel smooth leather under his hands as he tried to push Kadaj away, could feel trembling flesh under thin clothing when he pulled Roxas closer.
He turned around and groaned loudly, resting his back against the bed, drawing his long legs up and fisting his hands in his hair.
He stayed like this for a long time, tried just to listen to the music and failed; because all he heard was insane laughter and a gentle voice whispering sweet lies.
It took him hours to get up again; the sun had set long time ago, and stars were sparkling in a perfect night sky.
He thought he was thirsty, so he dragged himself down to the kitchen, and he promptly forgot what he came here for. Nobody was there; he suspected Riku was still with Sora, and Demyx and Zexion were probably asleep already. Good. Good. That was just what he wanted, right? He didn't want them to worry about him. It was better they weren't here. Wasn't it?
He sat down at the table slowly, closing his eyes and folding his hands in front of his face. They felt cold, he wasn't used to that. Usually his hands always felt warm…
He rested his forehead against his folded hands, and for the millionth time that day he tried to calm his raving thoughts. He thought of his fight with Riku earlier and felt guilty; he thought of Demyx' harsh words and felt sad; he thought of the disappointment shining in Zexion's eye and felt ashamed.
But most of all he thought of Roxas, and he felt…
… Empty. Tired. Hollow.
Why had he been so stupid? He had never been this… careless when it came to trusting other people. Hell, he never even had trusted other people.
His friends didn't know it, but back when they had been kids he had not just spoken to them out of the blue. He had followed Demyx home when he had seen bruises on his thin arms in school, had watched through the dirty kitchen window as his father had almost knocked him unconscious before he had approached him. He had watched Riku visit Cloud and had listened to the one-sided conversations Riku had tried to engage Cloud in. He had eavesdropped on Riku and Aerith more than once, yet he had been careful to act surprised when Demyx and Riku had finally come to him and confessed the abuse Riku had endured. He had even spied on Zexion as soon as he had noticed Demyx had taken an interest in the silent boy. He had witnessed more than once how some boys from his class had bullied the 'bookworm', and not once had he seen Zexion fight back. After that he had encouraged Demyx to talk to Zexion more often.
But even back then, even when they still had been kids, even though he had patiently coaxed them into trusting him enough to open up to him, he had never dared to do the same. Because he had thought they would never like him as much if he told them he still dreamed of having a family; because he had been sure they would laugh at him if he told them he cried every time he failed to remember his mother's face; because he had known they wouldn't understand how much it hurt to open up…
Yes, yes he knew how much it hurt. Having his parents ripped away from him while still a child, he knew how much it hurt to rely on others so much. Even Leon had left him, the only person back in the orphanage in Hollow Bastion who had really seemed to care for him. And Riku's brothers, they had used his affection for his friends against him, had perverted it. He knew it hurt…
And yet he had fallen for Roxas so quickly…
His cold hands twitched, and a bitter lump formed in his throat. How could he ever have believed someone as perfect, someone as angelic as his Sunshine could stand his filthy, tainted presence? How could he ever have dared to think Roxas could feel for him the same way? It had been too good, too perfect to be true. And he was sure he had known, deep down; but he had needed Roxas so much, he had needed his innocence and pureness… He had needed it to cleanse his soul of the memories of the hell he had endured…
But it had been fake. Nothing would ever be able to make him forget about his corruption. He didn't deserve to be loved, everything, everything Roxas had said and done, everything had been a lie; and Axel had been too blinded by his feelings to see it.
He should never have let it come this far.
He felt alone, and small, and helpless. But he tried to fight those feelings, because he had to. Because he was supposed to be able to hide them for the sake of his friends. He was supposed to be the strong one. He was supposed to protect them. He had failed lately, and he knew it; his flashbacks, his mood swings and his selfish desires had hurt his friends. He needed to stop…
He didn't know how long he sat there. He thought of waking Demyx and Zexion once, so he could apologize. But what good would that do now? So he stayed where he was, and he tried to remember how to be strong.
He jumped when he heard a knock, his heart suddenly thumping against his ribs almost painfully. He opened his eyes and blinked; when had he closed them anyway? And why had he opened them? He felt disoriented, and it took him a few seconds to remember the hesitant knock on the back door.
He slowly rose from his chair and shuffled over to the door, opening it and staring into the darkness outside. How strange; wasn't somebody supposed to be here? They had knocked after all…
It was no use. He couldn't see anything, his eyes were still accustomed to the light inside the kitchen. All he saw were shadows.
He wanted to close the door again, feeling mildly angered about the person who had knocked, but he froze when he looked down and noticed something lying on the doorstep.
He blinked and tried to take a closer look. Yes… it looked like a file or something. But strange, black, with golden ornaments on it. Why would anybody leave that on his doorstep?
He leaned on the door for a moment while he stared down at it confused. Finally he bent down to pick it up. He almost dropped it again; his hands were still feeling so cold, numb, he barely felt them anymore.
There was nothing on it that showed whom it belonged to. No name, no address, nothing. Pondering for a moment whether to ask his friends if it belonged to them, he finally decided to take a quick look at the inside.
He opened the file. The contents contrasted very much with the dark background. At first he only saw colors, without any shape; then he realized the colors were actually faces, and then…
He couldn't help the pained moan escaping him. He couldn't help his legs giving out underneath him, and he couldn't help the tears suddenly clouding his vision. While he slowly slid down along the doorstep, holding a hand over his mouth to muffle a loud sob, he kept staring at two faces, two faces he knew all too well…
She… She looked… She looked just like his mother…
On the right side of the file, there was a picture of himself; his image was smiling, head tilted to the side a little, disturbingly green eyes peering to the left. And on the left side…
She was beautiful. He didn't remember his mother very well; he had been four when she had died after all, and he didn't own any pictures of her. But this girl, she looked just like her, with her red hair and her blue eyes… only her smile was different; it was a smile he saw in the mirror on his good days, a smile everybody told him he had inherited from his father, along with his eyes. Her head was tilted to the side as well, mimicking picture-Axel's stance, and her blue, blue eyes were glancing at him. Her red hair was long, longer than he remembered his mother's to have been.
She was so young…
Fourteen. She would be fourteen now.
Of course he recognized the handwriting as he read the name underneath the picture of his sister. Of course he recognized the style the picture was drawn in; it was the same as a certain picture of him inside a certain notebook.
But he didn't need any of those clues to know who had drawn those portraits.
He closed his eyes, no longer able to stand the sight of his lovely sister. He felt hot tears run down his cold cheeks, and he desperately clutched the drawings to his chest while heavy sobs threatened to tear his body apart. His hand fell from his mouth, as it was no use to try to stifle his sounds of despair and forlornness any longer. His head fell to the side limply, resting on the doorframe, while painful, pitiful, convulsive sobbing almost choked him.
Fourteen… She would be fourteen now, and she would be just as beautiful as their mother… His sister, his lovely sister, Ariel…
It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair! Why was he allowed to live, when the lively, fair girl the picture showed wasn't? Why, why, why, why? Why did it hurt so much?
Why did Roxas try to hurt him so?
Of course he knew who had drawn those pictures, and the thought of his blonde angel made him only cry harder, until he felt like he was suffocating on all the tears. Roxas was the only one… the only one who knew about his sister, the only one whom he had ever trusted enough to share his secret with…
And then he heard it.
Faint, very silent, but he heard some leaves rustling, and he heard soft footfalls…
He opened his eyes again, but he still couldn't see anything. Slowly, clumsily he struggled to his feet, stepped forward, into the darkness…
"ROXAS!" he yelled as loud as he could, so loud his raw throat started to hurt, and he could hear a quiet gasp and louder footsteps from around the corner. He closed his eyes again. "I know you're there! Come back here!" He knew his voice sounded awful, shrill and desperate, but he didn't care. He needed Roxas to come back; he needed Roxas to explain…
Why, why, why did he have to hurt Axel so much?
"ROXAS!" he screamed once more; his head, his eyes, his throat hurt like a bitch, but it was nothing compared to the gaping wound in his heart.
He stumbled through the garden to the front of the house, still holding onto the file in his hands, still crying, still half-blind from the tears, still on the verge of collapsing… It was pure stubbornness that kept him on his feet by now, but still he ran and tripped and almost fell, regaining his balance quickly and running even faster, until he reached the small gate…
He could barely see anything, but sensed movement down the street. He knew who that was, and he wanted to call out to him again, but no sound left his mouth; his abused throat wouldn't let him utter even the smallest sound anymore.
So he could only stare after Roxas, finally falling to his knees on the pavement, tears streaming down his face in silence. His shoulders jerked with every soundless gasp, with every quiet sob, and he curled up around the file in his hands, unable to stop the tears dripping from his burning eyes.
Demyx and Zexion found him like this, and he knew they would be worried about him again now; he just shook his head when Demyx tried to ask him what had happened, signaling he wasn't yet able to answer, and maybe would never be.
Demyx embraced him, tried to comfort him, and Axel's body and mind didn't hold the strength to resist any longer. He let himself be pulled to his feet, he felt Demyx taking one arm and Zexion the other, and he followed them obediently when they tried to lead him back into the house. But he just shook his head again when Zexion asked him about the file, and once more he nearly fell down when the mere thought of his sister's picture made his vision go black for a second. He felt drained, but still he clung to the file like his life depended on it…
He collapsed on the couch in the living room, and he felt the couch dip a little when Demyx sat next to him. He let himself be pulled into a gentle embrace, and he buried his face in Demyx' shirt, still shaking and crying and hating himself for losing control like this. He released the file to hold onto his long-time friend with one hand; his other hand still pressed the file against his chest, and again he curled up around it as best as he could, squeezed his eyes shut and sobbed his bleeding heart out. Demyx gently caressed his face, because he knew this would usually help. And from somewhere behind himself Axel could feel a hesitant hand start to rub his back comfortingly.
Oh damn. How bad did it have to be for even Zexion to try to calm him down?
Eventually the tears dried up, and eventually Axel's drained body simply refused to stay awake any longer. Still holding onto Demyx and the file, he fell asleep; he didn't hear his friends whisper about him anymore, but instead other whispering voices tormented him in his dreams.
He opened his eyes and knew they were still closed; it was a weird feeling he always got when he was dreaming. But his closed eyes were open now, and he stared into an endlessly gray sky.
He was lying on his back, and a white sun glared down at him without blinding him; taking a closer look he noticed it wasn't white, but tinged a dull shade of ivory. Gray clouds surrounded it and finally swallowed the sun whole. The sky grew dark.
He sat up and took a look around. He wasn't surprised to find the whole world around himself turned gray, just like the sky. He also wasn't surprised to sit at a beach. The sand beneath his hands was wet. He couldn't feel it, but he knew it was.
"My, what a pretty little redhead," a familiar, hideous, laughing voice behind him said.
Axel didn't look around, because he knew who it was. Instead he reached up to grab a strand of his hair, pulling it in front of his face and gazing at it curiously. It was really red. How could it still hold color here?
"My beautiful redhead, what are you doing here all alone?" Kadaj asked him mockingly.
"I'm not alone," Axel answered, drawing his knees up to his chest to rest his chin on them. He stared at the gray sea. "He is here."
"But he can't hear you, can he?" Kadaj asked and stepped beside him. Axel just looked up to him briefly; he saw silver hair, aquamarine eyes and a cold smirk, and he looked away again. He reached out to draw strange patterns into the wet sand with one finger.
"No," he admitted. He looked up again, looked down to the shoreline, and this time he could see another figure sitting there. It was clad in all black and white, but just like Axel its hair hadn't lost its color yet. Golden spikes, swept to the side a little, were tousled by the stiff breeze.
"Why don't you talk to him?" a gentle, female voice asked; Axel looked to his side again, saw red hair and blue eyes and a beautiful smile, and looked away again.
The figure down there hadn't moved. It held its hands in front of its face; that much he could see from his position. Gray water lapped at its feet.
"Because it hurts," Axel answered and looked down. He watched his fingers draw more patterns, but then he wiped them away again.
"But it also hurts to see him like this," Ariel stated calmly.
"Yes," Axel muttered.
"But not as much as his lies do," Kadaj added.
"No," Axel said.
"And who are you to judge other people about lying?" Ariel asked, and Axel didn't know whether she meant Kadaj or himself. "He did it to protect you."
"He did it to hurt you," Kadaj disagreed.
"He was just scared," Ariel said.
"He was just selfish," Kadaj hissed.
Axel slowly rose from the sand and walked down to the shore. He looked down at the lone figure huddled down there. The water level had risen a little, now washing over black sneakers and wetting black pants. Roxas held his hands to his face, blue eyes peering through his fingers. He stared down at the surface of the water, and when Axel took a closer look, he thought he could see black, unrecognizable scribbles emerge from its depths.
"He tried to hold back for you," Ariel next to him said.
Axel looked to the side, but instead of seeing his sister, he saw…
… Roxas sitting near a small fireplace, and himself dancing around the bonfire; Roxas' eyes were wide, his face flushed slightly – Axel didn't know how he could tell, when everything was still drowned in gray – his expression surprised and awestruck…
… The scene changed quickly, and now Axel was sitting next to Roxas; he knew their friends were still with them as well, but he couldn't see them. He saw himself putting his arm around Roxas' shoulders, and he saw Roxas looking to the side, obviously feeling very uncomfortable…
"Why does he touch me all the time?" Roxas' gentle voice sounded behind him; Axel looked back, but Roxas sitting in the water hadn't moved. He still stared down at the water, peering through his fingers. But his lips moved when he spoke up again. "What does it mean? Why is he acting like this? Why is he confusing me so?"
He looked back, but the scene had already vanished.
"Oh, did he hold back for you?" Kadaj sneered next to him, and again Axel turned his head.
… Roxas was sitting on him, straddling his hips as he leaned down, never noticing Axel's shocked expression because his eyes were closed…
"He is so beautiful, like an angel," Roxas behind him whispered. "I want him… I need to know what his lips feel like…"
… Roxas was pressing against him, both hands buried in Axel's hair, and he was kissing Axel next to the fireplace, didn't notice how empty the redhead's look had become, how his hands were raised halfway as if to defend himself…
"He wants it too… why else would he be so nice to me?" Roxas behind him asked, confusion lacing his voice. "Everybody who's nice to me wants this… He didn't push me away… He's so nice, he comforted me, he likes me too…"
… Now it was Axel who was straddling Roxas, and his hands were closed tightly around the smaller boy's throat…
"Why does he hurt me?" Roxas behind him sobbed. "What did I do? He was so nice to me, nobody is nice to me just because of me, he wanted it too, didn't he? Why does he hate me so?"
"But he at least tried," Ariel chastised Axel. "You didn't. You didn't care how much it would confuse him."
… Now it was Axel who kissed Roxas, even though he was confused, even though he knew Roxas knew about his past, and even though he knew Roxas had to feel disgusted, because Axel was disgusted by himself; but he kissed Roxas, and the blond's eyes were wide and surprised, and he didn't push Axel away…
"Why is he kissing me?" Roxas behind him whispered, clearly upset. "I ruined everything. Why is he still here? I ruined everything! I always ruin everything! He can't really like me after all I've done… Why, why, why, why…"
… Two bodies, entangled, movements slow and then fast, desperate and then gentle, heated, needy, searching, hands touching bare skin, eyes and lips exploring, voices moaning and whispering each other's name…
"Axel, Axel, Axel," Roxas behind him half moaned, half gasped, and Axel couldn't resist taking a look at him. The water already reached his waist with every wave, but Roxas didn't seem to care; his eyes were closed, his hands no longer covering his face, but buried in his golden hair instead; his back was arched, his head laid back, his expression ecstatic. "Touch me, take me, make me yours, I love you, I love you, I love you…"
But then his eyes opened again, stared up to the gray sky, and Axel knew this was the very moment when Roxas had begged him to stop…
"No, but I can't do this, he doesn't know who I am; he doesn't know what I did; I can't, I can't…" Roxas slumped; his hands fell into the water with a splash. "He has to wait, why won't he wait? I can't do this, I must tell him, must tell him what kind of monster I am…"
"But you're not a monster…" Axel whispered, but Roxas sitting in the water didn't hear him.
"Oh, but he is," Kadaj whispered right next to his ear.
"No, he is not," Ariel whispered on the other side.
"You know what he did to all those people," Kadaj hissed. "He's nothing but a little liar, a heartbreaker, a whore…"
"And he feels sorry for it," Ariel sighed. "Because now he must fear he will lose you because of the mistakes he made in the past."
"He is the reason I came back to you," Kadaj growled, and Axel flinched when he could feel a cold finger trace his ear, then brush down his neck. "You had almost gotten rid of me…"
Axel turned his head to the side, and he saw…
… He was running, running home, running away from the strange, angelic, devilish, confusing, terrible, beautiful boy who had tried to kiss him. But a shadow seemed to follow his every step, reached him, swallowed him, unholy mirth dancing in aquamarine eyes when Kadaj embraced him from behind. Axel fell to his knees, pale and trembling and scared and helpless, and his teeth dug into his own hand painfully when he bit down on it to keep himself from screaming… It was all he could do to keep the screams of fear inside while Kadaj whispered into his ear…
"I guess I should be grateful you met this guy," Kadaj chuckled amused.
"But now he's protecting you from this… monster," Ariel said, and Kadaj removed his hand from Axel's neck. Axel tried to look at his sister again, but he saw…
… Himself again, and the shadow was threatening to take him over again, but… Roxas was with him, held him, whispered something to him, his azure eyes staring deeply into frightened green ones… and the shadow vanished.
"I won't let him hurt you anymore," Roxas behind him promised, but his voice was barely above a whisper.
"Scream for me, Akuseru," Kadaj hissed into his ear.
"He did everything to protect you," Ariel said warningly. "He knew he couldn't tell you before, because you still needed him to be 'Sunshine'…"
"It was so nice to be Sunshine for you…" Roxas breathed.
"He wanted to protect you!" Ariel cried.
"Cry for me, my red-haired beauty," Kadaj laughed.
"You trusted him," Ariel sobbed desperately. "Why do you care about the letters so much? Why don't you believe what he tells you?"
"Nobody will ever love you," Kadaj told him with pleasure. "Because everybody can see how much I tainted you."
"He didn't want to hurt you," Ariel whispered.
"But he did hurt you," Kadaj smirked.
"He is right for you," Ariel breathed.
"He is too perfect (too tainted too pure too broken too innocent too dirty) for you," Kadaj sneered.
"You don't need Sunshine anymore," Ariel said.
"You never deserved Sunshine anyway," Kadaj snarled.
"I'm sorry…"
Axel looked up alarmed when he realized how weak Roxas' voice was.
Roxas was standing a few feet away from the shore now; the water reached his waist, and he was hugging himself. His hair and his clothes were wet, clung to his face and his small body like a second skin.
Colorless, smoky arms reached out to him from the water. Faceless creatures emerged from the sea, grabbed Roxas' clothes, his arms, his hair. Sheets of paper were swimming around him; letters, lying and accusing, Axel knew.
But Roxas turned around, and for the first time in this strange dream, his eyes locked with Axel's. And… he smiled. It was beautiful, gorgeous, dazzling, driving all the shadows away and giving Axel's dream back the colors. The sea, it was blue; the sand, a warm beige; the sun, now blinding white; the clouds were gone, and the sky showed the very perfect shade of blue of Roxas' eyes.
Roxas laughed, and Axel took a few steps forward, feeling water wash over his feet. He was drawn to this laugh; it was so carefree, so innocent, so perfect, he needed to protect it…
"I love you," Axel heard Roxas whisper, even though he was too far away and his lips didn't move. And the hands clutching him pulled him down.
Axel awoke with a start; he knew he hadn't screamed out loud, but only because Demyx didn't stir in his sleep. He opened his eyes, even though he couldn't see anything; he took deep, calming breaths to calm down his racing heart.
What a stupid dream, he thought, sitting up as carefully as possible. He noticed he was still holding onto the black and golden file. His fingers hurt, because they still clutched the black cardboard.
Carefully, so he wouldn't wake Demyx and Zexion, he climbed from the couch. Demyx curled up and sighed in his sleep; Zexion, who sat next to the couch on the floor and rested his head on it, didn't move at all.
Axel smiled at them before he left. But the warm smile soon was replaced by a confused frown; the dream already faded from his memory, but he could still clearly recall the last thing he had seen. Roxas, being pulled down by faceless creatures into a sea made out of letters, until only his hand remained above the surface; but when Axel had tried to follow him and reach for his hand, it had been too late, and the hand had been gone as well.
He silently went upstairs, to his room, and only there he dared to turn on the light. He closed the door behind himself quietly, leaning against it and looking down to the file in his hand.
His hands were still shaking a little when he opened the file, but strangely it was much easier to look at the pictures inside now; Axel sighed, thinking of his strange dream again. He couldn't recall Ariel's voice anymore, he realized; and taking a closer look at the picture, he wasn't quite sure if she really looked that much like his mother. Really, all he remembered clearly was her red hair… But who said his sister would have inherited it as well? Their father had had pretty dark hair, maybe she would have…
But whom was he trying to fool? She would have looked exactly like this.
Damn it, were his eyes really that insanely green?
He shook his head and closed the file with a huff, feeling a bit unsettled by looking at his own smiling face. He had never owned pictures of himself, other than those on his driving license and other IDs he owned. Demyx had a few photos of them when they had been younger, he thought, but he didn't really like pictures of himself. They somehow always ended up burned…
But Roxas was pretty talented when it came to drawing portraits, he admitted.
Must be all the practice, he thought bitterly. Besides, Roxas hadn't drawn him quite right. Ariel maybe, but him? Na-ah, his eyes weren't that… pretty.
And he never smiled like that. And his features weren't that sharp. His nose was too pointy. As was his chin. His ears always looked weird amidst all that hair. Oh, and talking about his hair, it was too bright, too spiky, too… too…
Dammit! His fucking eyes were ridiculously green!
Scowling he put the file onto his desk. There was the reason why he couldn't stand pictures of himself. Because he always saw all those things he so deliberately overlooked when he looked into a mirror. All the things that made him, how had Hayner put it so nicely? Look like a freak.
But for some reason neither of those two pictures Roxas had drawn of him (that he knew of) showed any flaws. And that, for some reason, made him feel weird.
He flopped down onto the chair, propping his chin in his hand as he continued to stare down at the file.
"Why, Roxas?" he heard himself whisper, and he flinched; he hadn't meant to say it out loud. He traced the ornaments on the cardboard with one finger, intricate patterns running around the edge of the file.
He just didn't understand it. Why would Roxas come here, in the middle of the night, and watch him while he found this file? Why hadn't he just tried to talk…?
Because I wouldn't have listened anyway.
Still, he could have given it to Axel personally and…
But I would just have yelled at him. I would have scared him. I would probably just have thrown it back at him…
He frowned at the nagging voice in the back of his mind. Again he brushed over the file, then rested his hand on top of it.
What did it mean? Why had Roxas drawn him… and his sister? It didn't make any sense…
He sighed sadly and picked the file up, only to cautiously place it on a shelf next to the desk, between some other folders. He knew his friends would probably take a look at his room, and he didn't want them to find it right away. He would find a better hiding place for it later.
But when he turned around again, his eyes fell onto one particular folder. Unable to stop himself, he sat down again, reaching out to open it. Again his eyes fell onto Roxas' crossed out drawings.
'I wonder how long it will take until he crosses you out?'
Every little picture was like a stab to his heart. Would… would he really join this eerie gallery? Roxas had said he wouldn't… But… what if he had lied?
The longer he stared at the garbled portraits, the more he was reminded of his dream. It was very confusing. He didn't remember it that well anymore, but there was one thing that irked him…
The hands that had been holding Roxas, which had pulled him away, down, beneath the surface… Those hands had belonged to faceless creatures. And… Axel was pretty sure… that he had seen those creatures before. Right here. Right here, amongst Roxas' notes. Little pictures, faceless and yet staring at him.
And they had stayed gray, Axel realized. Even when everything around him had turned back to color, they had stayed gray. Roxas too; just his hair and his eyes had held their usual color.
It had only been a dream. Sure, it had only been a dream. But Axel suddenly shivered, raised his hands to rub his arms in a comforting manner.
In his dream, Roxas had freed his whole world with a smile. But he had not been able to free himself, had not been able to break free from those faceless creatures' grasp. He had stayed gray. It would have been Axel's duty to save him from them…
Axel still stared at Roxas' notes without actually seeing them. Finally he closed the folder again, laughing weakly at his own stupidity.
It had only been a dream. Nothing more.
He turned off the light and flopped down onto his bed, curling up and staring into the darkness of his room. His unfamiliar, empty room, which didn't feel like a home at all. He had never felt like home anywhere. Only… only Roxas had made him feel like he belonged somewhere…
He was grateful there were no tears left to shed, even in the safety of his dark room.
Author's Notes: Hussah, an update after all those months...
I think I've ranted enough in the beginning, so I won't even start. Just this much: Don't expect the next part too soon. I'm busy.
Till part two then!