Redemption

Chapter Twenty Five

Sydney had finally managed to fall asleep. She was trying to be brave, to be strong but she was exhausted and Jack was glad that she'd drifted off. He tucked a blanket around her sleeping figure and stood crossing the small plane alley to pour himself a drink. In truth it wasn't only for his sake that he was glad she'd fallen asleep but for his own selfish reasons as well. He couldn't look at her face. He couldn't look at her red swollen eyes as she struggled to control herself and not hate himself. It was his fault Kathryn was dead. She was his responsibility and he'd failed her. Failed Sydney, failed himself.

They would be landing in Los Angeles in several hours. Preparations would be made; he'd promised Sydney that he would handle all the funeral arrangements. It was the least he could do. He wasn't even sure that he would attend her funeral and told Sydney as such. She was his daughter yes, but he had no right to be there. Sydney had begged him and he relented. It was the least he could do. He didn't deserve her. Despite all the times he'd let her down, she was still there.

He'd been absent most of her life growing up. He'd wanted to keep her away from his life. It had caused irreparable damage to their relationship. The lies and deceit had spun a web so thick; he'd once thought nothing could break it. When Sydney had found out that he was CIA it had almost been a relief. He knew that there were things between them that could never be repaired but since she'd learned the truth they'd been able to forge a relationship of some kind. As chaotic as it was, it was deeply satisfying. He'd only wish he'd gotten the chance to know his other daughter better.

Kathryn was far more complicated. They'd butted heads several times, their pride and stubbornness getting in the way. It was fair to say that he hadn't exactly earned her trust. It was difficult to earn her trust but he'd always had her best interests at heart for her sake, for Sydney's sake. Taking his scotch he sat back down and slowly sipped it allowing the amber liquid to consume his senses.

~ ~ ~

Sydney woke with a start, she gasped for breath. Recognizing her surroundings she calmed down. She'd been dreaming about Kathryn, seeing her face over and over again as that man had pulled the trigger ending her life. It was hard to believe that she was gone. Sydney half expected her to pop out of the bathroom complaining about Jack being on her case again or about Kendall being a pain in the ass. But she wouldn't come walking out of that bathroom. She wouldn't be at home or at the office. She was gone and nothing could change that.

Sydney would never get the chance to really know her sister. It wasn't her fault that Kathryn had been taken but she still felt responsible. If she'd told her father about Kathryn's history before it might not have changed a thing. Kathryn would have never committed to living in witness protection. She'd made it perfectly clear. She'd grown up in a prison and she wouldn't abide living in one for the rest of her life despite the consequences.

Her father sat across from her, she almost smiled. He was asleep. What a rare occasion to find Jack Bristow sleeping. Standing up she removed the glass of scotch from his fingertips and tucked the blanket around her father. She grabbed her purse and made her way to bathroom. She tried to swallow the lump in her throat as she dialed a phone number. She needed to speak to Vaughn, just to hear his reassuring voice.

~ ~ ~

He couldn't handle it anymore. He was supposed to be the happy one. The ever-smiling wise cracking Eric Weiss, the one everyone looked to for a good laugh but what they didn't know was that he was human too.

He didn't look at it as a burden to know her life, it was hard yes but it wasn't a burden. That's not how it felt to him, to other people it might have been a burden but not to him. He knew more than anyone did and still he wondered why she'd chosen him. What made him so special? His knowledge of her life hadn't ended when the meetings with Kendall and Lindsey were finished. She talked to him in confidence told him everything and nothing all at the same time. Maybe that was why it hurt so much; to loose her. She was the only one who saw him for what he really was. His best friend didn't even see him that way. She saw him as a friend. And with him, she could be herself. She didn't have to be brave, or strong, or the girl who kept everything hidden behind carefully constructed barriers. She could let her guard down and be truthful.

He sat on the bench above the ocean cliffs. It was their place. He'd taken her here many times over the past two months. After every session with Kendall and Lindsey, this is where he'd brought her allowing her time to compose herself, to rid the horrible memories from her thoughts before returning to the real world. He could still remember the first time he'd brought her here, after her first meeting with Kendall and Lindsey. In truth maybe he'd needed it more than she had.

"This isn't the way back to Sydney's," she'd looked at him confused almost distrustful. "Where are we going?"

"You'll see." He kept his eyes on the road and she let out a soft sigh leaning her head against the window. She was exhausted her eyes briefly closed several times but she opened them refusing to give in.

He stopped the car near the edge and got out. Wordlessly she followed him.

"It's pretty," she said softly sitting next to him on the bench. "Why are we here?"

"I like to come here when I need to unwind," he stared straight ahead and pulled a yo-yo out of his pocket.

"Oh," was all she said. She tucked her knees to her chest and rested her chin on them.

"I know it's been said before but I just wanted to remind you that whatever is said in those meetings with Kendall and Lindsey stays between us."

"Thanks."

He looked sideways at her seeing her discretely wipe the tears from her eyes. He'd watched her in the meeting with Kendall and Lindsey. Not once had she cried. Not when telling them about her mothers supposed death, the first time she'd been abused or how her son had died during childbirth. What little he knew of Irina Derevko it certainly was clear that Kathryn was her mother's daughter. It was also clear that she was her father's daughter as well. "You're allowed to cry you know," he pulled another yo-yo from his pocket and handed it to her.

"I'm fine," she stared straight ahead at the distant ocean and looped the yo-yo around her finger.

He'd left it at that and they sat in silence.

"Why do they have to ask those questions?" she'd asked finally her eyes filling with tears.

"They think that if they know everything about you that they will discover what The Contessa is and why The Covenant is after it, is after you."

"No really," she said sarcastically. "I'm sorry," she said after a few moments. "Everything is just all mixed up and upside down, sometimes, I don't even know what's real anymore."

"It's cool," he shrugged. Slowly he inched over to her and awkwardly slipped his arm around her shoulders. She tried desperately not to cry. He could feel her body shaking under his arm as she tried to control herself, but eventually she lowered her head to his shoulder allowing her tears to flow freely. No words were necessary.

She cried silently until she had nothing left to give but tiny gasps for air and hiccup here and there. After a while she stood walking to the edge of the cliff and standing up on the barrier. "Why do you come here?" she asked.

Weiss pocketed the yo-yos and stood next to her. He looked down watching the waves crash over the rocks beneath. "I had an older brother, he was four years older than me. He was a great guy," Weiss smiled wistfully and turned leaning against the barrier before continuing. "When I was in high school, and he was in his second year of college he started going through a rough time. He lived away from home and we didn't know. We didn't know until it was too late. He committed suicide, jumped off the cliff right here."

"I'm sorry," her voice was sincere and slowly she slipped her hand into his.

"I come here when I need to remind myself that there are good guys in this world, that not everyone is bad and the good do out number the bad." He locked eyes with her. "'Shiner, I come here when I need to remember that life is worth living."

She understood his words. No further explanation was necessary and silently they walked back to the car.

That had been the first time he'd brought her. After that, it was ritualistic. He was her buddy. Picking her up, dropping her off attending every session she had with Kendall and Lindsey. Some days were better than others. She remained cold and unfeeling until he brought her to the cliffs and slowly she began to unwind. He remembered the exact time she'd told him about her son. He understood why they'd lied about his death, afraid the CIA would track him down, investigate his parents and he would be put in danger. It was much simpler, much easier to say that he had died. After all, that's what was listed in her medical records. She told him more than anyone, confessing her fears, hopes and dreams. How she was afraid to tell Sydney about her life, afraid that she wouldn't look at her the same way again. She even rambled on about Jack and what a stubborn, cold, unfeeling, pain in the ass he was. Weiss laughed out loud thinking about it; Kathryn and Jack were exactly alike.

Their personalities were exactly alike. The mission to Spain had only confirmed it. Kathryn was flawless. She'd never lost her cool the entire night. She'd clearly impressed Agent MacGyver, Sydney, Kendall, Dixon, himself and even though he wouldn't admit it---she'd impressed Jack as well. She would have been a great agent, had she been given the chance. He smiled now thinking about it remembering the words she'd said before they left the hotel room.

'The first thing you need to learn 'Daddy' is that teenage girls love to make an entrance."

Jack had been speechless and she'd loved every moment of it. Eric just laughed.

Then there were the dreams.

For nearly three weeks he'd slept in the chair beside her bed while Sydney was gone. Every night she protested but not really. They both knew full well that she slept better when he was there. When he held her hand all night long, the nightmares weren't as bad, she didn't wake up physically sick as much. He could calm her she woke, held her hair back when she was sick and hold her in his arms until she could breath again. And finally hold her hand, until exhausted she fell back asleep once more.

It had taken a toll on him. He began to hear her screams in his dreams at night. She consumed his thoughts and he found himself going to the cliffs more and more often without her to rid himself of her pain. But still he stayed with her, willingly, because she'd asked him to, because she trusted him. He'd become her confidant. But for him it was different. She treated him differently. Mike was his best friend but he found himself being able to tell her things he could never tell Mike. He'd never told Mike about his brother; never told anyone he worked with about his brother. There was an unspoken trust between them. But maybe it had gone too far; maybe he'd become too involved in her life. Maybe that was why it was so hard to believe that she was really gone. But she was. Jack and Sydney had returned from Rome and they'd brought her with them. 'Shiner would never sit on the bench with him again. She'd never ask him to teach her a new yo-yo trick or plan a practical joke again. She was gone, she was dead.

The sun was setting low as he stood and slowly walked back to his car but he stopped and turned back to the ocean. He withdrew a yo-yo from his pocket, he'd bought it especially for her, but he'd never gotten the chance to give it to her. It was a rare find. Hot pink. Pink was Kathryn's favorite color. He bounced it several times before hesitantly raising his arm and hurtling it into the ocean. He watched it fall for seconds until he could no longer see it and then turned back to the car wiping the tears from his eyes. Tomorrow was her funeral. She hadn't deserved to die, not after everything she'd been through to survive. She didn't deserve to die like this and he vowed that her death would not be in vain.