DISCLAIMER: I own nothing

CHAPTER 25

* Please don't hate me for this chapter, I always knew that I would write it but bare in mind- this isn't the end

As Katherine and I walk along the outskirts of Angel Grove lake, I feel like a man that is leaving his soul behind and as I look over my shoulder at the tiny form of Kimberly now walking in the opposite direction, I realise my soul has been missing for a long time now.

The fight that Katherine had threatened never materialised and I'm thankful for that because the look on her face as she walks silently by my side tells me that she's hurt enough without a public ass kicking to make things worse.

As we continue in the direction of the park I fight every fibre in my body that is telling me to turn around and run after Kimberly, but I know we both need some time out- time to really think about everything that has been said, so I keep moving one foot in front of the other and keep my eyes fixed straight ahead.

The look of hurt that clung to Kats face when she caught me holding Kims hand has brought the reality of everything crashing down around me and as I crawl beneath it all, searching for answers one thing is clear… the more answers I get the less clear everything is becoming.

I can't believe that after everything I've been through this last year with Kimberly I was so close to doing to Katherine what Kim had done to me, because although Kim and I had only just begun the conversation that I'd spent a year running from all it had taken was for her to tell me that her feelings for me hadn't changed and I was teetering on the edge of becoming that guy that I always swore I would never be.

When I took Kims hand in mine, it felt just like it always had and everything she had done… all the pain and the anger she had caused just fell away and it felt as though there was only the two of us left on earth. I'd been drawn to her then as I have been ever since we met, and I had wanted to kiss her more than I had wanted anything in my entire life… to see if it was still there, that feeling that I've only ever got from her.

I don't know if I would have done it, time and events have put a distance between Kim and I that I never thought was possible but the terrible thing is… and it's the reason that my lips have been bound together by silence ever since, If I had kissed her, I don't know that I would have regretted it

I can't imagine ever regretting a second I spend with Kim but I have a girlfriend and no matter what's going on right now I'm thankful that I didn't cross that line, God knows my spirit is tangled in enough confusion without adding to it .

Thankfully Kats sudden appearance threw cold water on any amorous thoughts I may have been having

So here we are… Katherine and I, walking silently past the lake and now stepping onto the grass of Angel Grove park. I know her silence is guarding a million questions and since today is my self proclaimed 'confrontation day' I decide that silence is not the way…

Coming to a stop by one of the park benches I take a seat but Kat just stands there looking at me as though I've grown a second head.

She's adjusting to my lack of hair so I ignore the look and ask her to sit down. She looks around for an escape route and seeing the terrified look on her face I'm suddenly aware of the strain this whole drama between Kim and I is putting on her.

Again I'm hit by the guilt that I feel about my treatment of the person who has done nothing but try to save me from going under. Even though her attempts were in vain I will always be grateful that she cared enough to try

Sitting down opposite to me Kat stretches her arms out and laces her fingers together, she sighs but never raises her eyes to meet mine

"What do you think of my hair?" It's a pointless question but I'm struggling to figure out what to say because i really want to be at home thinking, not talking

"Tanya and I are going shopping later, I'll buy you a couple of hats"

I self consciously run a hand over my short hair and wonder if it really looks that bad that I need a hat… Kim said it looked nice

"I don't need a hat, Rocky's going to trim it and then I'm going to try spikes"

"Rocky is ?!"

She looks less than impressed with my suggestion

"Do you know how many bothers and sisters the guy has? He's practically a qualified barber"

My attempt to lighten the mood falls flat as Katherine finally looks up at me

"Why'd you do it?" Her voice is quiet and I have a split second to decide how much to tell her

"I felt like I needed a change"

"Yeah, well, the grass isn't always greener Tommy"

She doesn't try to hide her double meaning and I don't try to hide the fact I'm purposely ignoring it. I'm keeping away from the subject of Kimberly until I've had time to think about everything that's happened over these last 24 hours.

"And speaking of green, I really wish you'd stop wearing it because it does nothing for your complexion"

I know what she's doing, she's hurt by what she saw earlier and now she's trying to hurt me, but I'm too tired to sit through a character assassination so I cut to the chase

"Katherine, I know you're mad and fair enough you don't like my hair and you don't like my top…"

"Did she do it?"

She sits back and crosses her arms, she's staring me down now, daring me to lie to her.

Today, I don't intend to lie to anyone

"No, I did it. Do you want to talk about things?"

"And what exactly will we talk about Tommy, your self-mutilation…your disappearing act or your public displays of affection with your ex-girlfriend, ex… you know, as in not any more"

I've never seen Katherine look more conflicted and as I look into her face, tense with hurt and fear and anger all I feel is that over powering sense of guilt.

What have I done to the sweet… innocent girl that came into our lives looking for friendship in a strange country. How have I tangled her so tightly in the torn fabric of my life?

I've taken the friendship and support that she has shown me too far, I've turned it into something else, something it should never have been and I've taken her affection and used it in the worst way possible.

I'm slowly realising that I can't just walk away from this mess that I've made. I owe her more than that.

The question is- where the hell does that leave any of us?

"Kat, my hair's no big deal, I needed a change so I cut it"

"We're supposed to be a couple Tommy, we're supposed to consult each other on major decisions"

"It's not a major decision it's just hair"

"Did you talk to her about it?"

"I didn't talk to anyone about it, it's my hair… my decision"

"But you were with her last night weren't you?"

Her eyes drop to the bench and she starts picking at something I can't see.

I take a breath, knowing what I'm about to say will hurt her but knowing that I have to stick to my promise not to lie today

"Yes"

Katherines eyes fly up and catch onto mine and I feel my cheeks have the decency to blush

"You were with her when you didn't even have the decency to call me, do you have any idea how worried I was?!"

The hurt in her voice stings me, no matter my mistakes I never wanted to hurt anyone, the muted blue eyes before me tell me I have failed miserably

"Kat I'm sorry, but nothing happened"

"That doesn't make it okay Tommy"

"nothing is going on"

Standing up and then walking towards me I see the wetness of tears in Kats eyes and I feel totally ashamed of my behaviour.

Placing one hand on the bench and bending so her face is so close to mine I can feel her breath on my cheek as she says

"Maybe nothing has happened physically Tommy, but in here..."

She taps my temple with her finger

"In here something's been happening ever since she got back"

I open my mouth to argue but her finger is immediately upon my lips

"And it ends here…okay?"

I frown in confusion and pull my face away from her finger

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"I'm not a fool Tommy, so don't treat me like one. I knows she's pulling you into whatever game she's playing this time, but you made a commitment to me… when we slept together"

The reason that i'm bound to her by guilt, i can't believe she's using that against me although i'm not sure why when i have been using it against myself. I'm not sure where this is going but this is a side to Katherine that I've never seen before

"If you think you can do that and then treat me like this now she's back…"

"This isn't about Kimberly"

Kat laughs sarcastically before yelling in my face

"IT'S ALWAYS ABOUT KIMBERLY WITH YOU… and she knows it. She's playing you now just like she always has, as soon as she gets back to Florida you'll be forgotten about, just like you were last time and it'll be left up to me to pick up the pieces"

She's playing on my insecurities, I know she is yet no matter how many times I tell myself that, I can't help thinking that she's right.

After all, there is no future for Kim and I, too much has happened, I told Kim I couldn't forget it and I meant it.

She said her feelings hadn't changed but that doesn't mean she still wants me, in fact she's made it more than clear that she doesn't.

Kat's right, I rushed into things with her… it was my choice and in doing it I made a commitment that I can't break. No matter how I feel about things I'm not going to be that guy

"I want us to get ready, go for breakfast with the guys and then I want us to get on with our lives- without Kimberly"

I feel my stomach lurch at the very thought of living without her

"I don't want us to talk about last night, I don't want us to mention what happened this morning, I just want us to make it through until Monday when she leaves and then we can pretend that none of this has happened"

I know I should stand up, and tell her 'no way' but I say nothing.

The events of last night and this morning is still murky in my mind, my entire being is still broken from the last year and my insecurities over Kim are eating away at me and convincing me that Katherine might be right- I owe it to her to make this work and I know I won't be able to do that with Kim in my life, because even when she doesn't try she draws me to her, I'm connected to her in a way I can't explain, a way that Katherine will never understand...or change

I scratch my head in confusion, I'm really not in any condition to make a decision like this, I need a shower and some food and some space

Kim and I were making progress, what Kat's asking is that I just write all of that off and walk away.

Even if it is the right thing to do I don't know if my heart would let me.

Could I walk away from Kimberly after everything we've been through?

Could I look her in the eye and tell her I don't want her in my life?

Could I do it knowing the one thing that is finally clear to me?

…I still love her