Note to the Readers: First I would like to say that I received the results of my evaluation and it went remarkably well all things considered. Yet, I set in my chair with an ice pack on my shoulder and another on my hip because to children got into a fight. I stepped in front of one of my students who not only suffers from rheumatoid arthritis, but his mother is dying from cancer and is in her last days. His dad was a police officer killed in the line of duty last summer. The last thing he needed was to get injured so I got knocked to the floor in the cafeteria rather than my student. I am bruised all down the right side of my body with a sprained ankle and knee. Yes, I am still going to work for the next two days. I have way too much going on to not be there.
The reviews, favs and alerts I have been getting. Thanks to everyone; you make my life easier and brighter.
Disclaimers: No, I don't own them. If I did Andrew Marlowe would have already had our beloved couple getting on with a life together and stop all of this stupid jealousy/misunderstanding garbage. Yes Marlow, it is getting very TIRESOME. To quote Stana, "It's time to let them say I love you, get married and start having little Castle babies."
Chapter 25
Maternity Ward—
Too my darling daughters-day 3
The maternity ward contradicts itself. One moment the silence deafens me and the next the screams of the birthing process rip through my walls. Your father busily visits with his new publisher about several deals they have going and there is some issue with his old publisher. I could go on a long rant about our mistreatment here, but by the time you are old enough to read this (and it is on the web for all to see) it will no longer matter. The things that matter are the things that make me happy.
My top ten favorite things right now:
The way I can feel you move in belly. You go crazy when I eat chocolate dipped strawberries. You have good taste!
The way your father reads me his latest chapters to me as I go to sleep each night.
The softness of the pink and yellow bunnies we found to help decorate your room.
Comfortable footwear. This is very out of character for me. Being pregnant with you has required me to not wear my favorite 4 inch heels.
They way your grandmother, your dad's mother, treats me like I am as much her daughter as he is her son.
That Alexis acts like I am her mother.
Rainy days in the arms of my husband.
Planning how your room will look.
Shopping for baby clothes.
The idea of two more additions to my wonderful family.
Girls, please remember that no matter what happens tomorrow learning to be still, be happy. It is the one thing that it took your father to teach me. I wish my mother had long enough to teach me that being an adult is not about how much money you make, clothes you wear, having possessions or an amazing career. It IS about bringing happiness into the lives you touch every day including your own. Your dad's brilliance taught me that even though I was an extraordinarily slow learner.
No regrets.
Mom
Kate saved and posted her blog entry for her daughters. She found it lovely to think of them and write every day. She shared her thoughts and feelings so that the world would know that Gina and Meredith had not destroyed anything. Her family was still happy. They couldn't steal that away. She wouldn't allow them.
Kate then switched to a Castle Gossip site devoted to covering the ongoing spat.
Alexis Castle Storms Out from Mother
Last evening Alexis Castle and friends dined at Le Cirque, but Meredith, her mother was also in attendance with an undisclosed person. She approached her daughters table where a shouting match ensued. Alexis was heard to tell her mother to "Never contact me again or I will attempt to get a no contact contract like dad has with Gina." The young Castle fled the restaurant in tears, leaving her screaming mother behind her. Other diners insisted she be removed from the premises.
Kate located her cell phone and sent Alexis a text asking her to call when she was ready to talk it out. Alexis should be in organic chemistry at this time, but she suspected she was either in her dorm or in the library studying. She doubted she was up to sitting through her lecture.
Then, she opened a word file to type a real letter to her daughters that was private. She gave them the day to day mundane details describing how it felt when they moved and describing what they looked like on the sonograms. She even spent time listing off all her top ten lists about Rick, Martha and Alexis. One day she would be strong enough to write them to tell about her own mother, but she wasn't ready yet.
There was a knock at the door.
"Come in."
Jim Beckett stuck his head through a small space in the door. "Are you sure? Since you haven't called I didn't know if I was lower on your list than Gina and Meredith."
Kate fought her emotions so that her face remained blank. "Hi Dad."
He stood at the foot of her bed holding a large shopping bag.
"Kate, when were you planning on telling me about the twins?"
"I have thought about it many times. But, when I first found out they weren't even far along to be considered fetuses yet. Then, I had the car accident and the press found out and since then I have been spending so much time focusing on keeping the world out that I just lost track. I am sorry Dad."
Jim came and sat in a chair at the end of her bed. "How much longer are they going to hold you hostage?"
"At least three or four more days are required, but there is hope that I can leave to go home to have bed rest. The only thing is the loft goes under construction starting today. We will be staying in a hotel suite for a few months. You will still be answering my cell phone, but other than that I will request you not try to visit there. We are hoping to stay off the presses radar. I don't know if we will be able to succeed, but we are going to try our best. My dad coming and going would send up a red flag to somebody."
He nodded. He agreed on the surface of the idea, but hated that it was one more way that his daughter kept him away from her life. He lost her love such a long time ago.
"Katie, are you going to let me know my granddaughters or are you going to punish me for things I said a long time ago?"
Kate winced. His question had cut deeply. "I do want you to know them. And, I want them to know everything we can tell them about mom, but if you don't mind I don't want to share our mistakes with them. They don't need to know what a horrible person I was and they don't need to know that you were a drunk."
"I am a drunk and I always will be. I stay sober for really long periods, but one drink and I am gone all over again. It takes so little for me to all back into my own hole in the ground."
Kate sat quietly looking out the window at the beautiful autumn day. How can it be so life affirming out there and barren in here?
"I have changed Dad. I am not that person anymore. I would do anything for Rick. I love him more than I thought possible. He knows Dad; he knows all of it. I told him about the night I was almost raped. I have even told him about the hundreds of nights where I brought strangers into your house and did everything I could to forget Mom. I didn't have to hide it. He loves me anyway."
"Have you learned to forgive yourself?"
Tears were running down her cheeks. His question bothered her. Rick forgave her, but could she forgive the weakness of her youth? As the tears rolled down, she finally turned to face him.
"I don't know if I ever will, but I try to be better one day at a time. I am entirely faithful to my husband. I just have to be careful of withholding information from him. I need to make myself include him sometimes. But, every night we talk about our day and any random thought that goes through our minds. It keeps me honest. When we aren't together I don't feel alive."
"Why do you think I drank so much? There is no oxygen to be had without your mother."
"I know Dad."
"No you don't baby girl and I hope you never do. Some lessons are best not learned."
She nodded and rubbed traitorous tears away that continued to escape down her cheeks.
"Have you received any baby presents yet?" He asked lifting the bag.
She shook her head no. He stepped closer and lowered the side. She slid over to the other side to give him room.
"I have spent the last few weeks making these. This was something your mother and I had promised we would do when you had children." He pulled out two identical scrapbooks. "We can write their names on the front once they come into the world—when you are a hundred percent sure of the names."
She lovingly brushed her hand across the calfskin surface. On the first page was a photograph of her in her mother's arms. Kate's mother was still wearing the sterilizing hair net on her head. Kate's body still had the remnants of her birth smeared on her skin. But, her mother was looking at her, face aglow with love. Page after page showed Kate as she grew and sometimes a parent. The last photograph was her graduating the Police Academy.
"How did you get this picture? You weren't there."
"No, but my AA sponsor went and took pictures for me. I wasn't strong enough to watch you give your life for justice. It made me so very afraid for you. And then when you were shot, I thought my opportunity to say I am sorry for not protecting you was gone. Katie I should have protected you especially from yourself. That night I threw you out of the house, I knew your mother would have done the opposite. She would have wrapped you in a warm blanket and cried with you as you went to sleep. You are so much more than you ever allowed yourself to be. And now, I am in awe of who you have become. I love you my baby girl. I hope someday you can accept my mistakes and my apology."
She closed the scrapbook and reached for his hand. "I forgave you a long, long time ago. I am still working on me."
He wrapped her in a tight hug and held his daughter. This was the first time in several decades that his baby had allowed him this close while awake. In his heart he knew that Johanna would have never allowed him to close himself off from his daughter.