Wow. Over three hundred reviews. THREE HUNDRED. I love you guys!!!
I cannot believe you guys liked this story so much. I'm in shock and awe. (I sure hope that editor I'm sending a book to likes my writing even half as much as you guys do….)
Notes!
Blu: hey love. You sound frustrated :) hahahahaaa I never thought about why they like horror movies. Maybe it is because they have that thing for screaming.. and I wouldn't put it past ya to weld Sides to a wall.. but I think Sun would rescue him before long (providing Sides bribed him well enough to rescue him). Love love love your review. But I suppose ya already knew that :)
Fantasyfan4ever: Thanks :) they are kinda opposites, in a way.
Sipi3: Hi! I'm glad you like it.
Obsydiandreams: I hope this doesn't depress you too much..
Aniay: wrenches, too? I'd better be careful :) and yeah, lots of my readers seem to be a tad masochistic…
GC: I think I would have a lot of threats if I decided not to end this… I'm glad you like the story so much!
Bumblebee2009: I promise I'm not this much of a downer at parties. I save all my depressingness for you guys. And yeah, you didn't know about that rule? :) I do love your reviews.. they're very thoughtful, and I really love reading them :)
Robins Princess Starfire: awww thank you. And I mean that, between you and the other reviewers, there have been a lot of death threats to Bee :) hahaha. Poor Bee. I'm glad you like the story so much :)
Ryu433: so many questions… and… ah… sequel… is not planned. Prequel, yes. Sequel, I don't know..
CullenHaleLuvr94: (It's only just hit me that your name is Twilight-esque… Hale like Jasper? Cuz I love that dude. Only reason I read the books.) Thanks for your review!!
Broken Mushroom: Thanks so much for your review :) I'm very glad you like the story.
Carebear1: Yes, I think I do hear something..
Sayin_girl: I'm glad ya liked it :)
Moonlight black rose: must say, I'm a little scared of that laser.
Mikepd: Hi! I'm very glad you like it.
Victoria-Blackheart: Glad ya like it :)
And just one more thing- to all you guys who are talking about how your "English isn't very good"- not even! You guys all have freakin' amazing English!!! Way better than my foreign language skills. I mean, jeez, you guys can not only read literature in another language, but also write back? I'm jealous!!! So, yeah, don't "my English isn't so great" me, because I wish my French/german/Italian was that good. I totally get what you guys talk about. (If I tried to convey anything like that in my foreign language… there's no telling how nonsensical it would sound.) I just wanted to say that. :) love ya guys.
And I want to bug you guys before you get to the end, just to make sure you don't miss it- please, please, please review this chapter! I really want to know what you guys think of this chapter. It would mean the world to me.
Enjoy!
………………….
"You are the geekiest Bot I have ever known. Are you really gonna choose that over me?" Sunstreaker tossed an exasperated look at Sideswipe.
"I'm winning." He was lying on the couch in the Bots' apartment, laptop open before him. "And I like winning."
"You don't exactly lose when you play with me, you know." Sunstreaker huffed.
"Yeah, but I don't win anything, either…" He tapped at the keys, not looking up, "I'm at level eighty-seven."
"Well, you're about to get nothing."
"Don't be like that."
"Make me be otherwise, than."
"Later." Sideswipe said. Sunstreaker groaned in frustration. He wandered over, climbing onto the couch to straddle Sideswipe.
"Please?"
"Nnn." Sideswipe was still staring at the laptop screen, fingers working over the keys. "Don't you have something to do."
"Yeah. You. So let me!"
When Sideswipe ignored him, Sunstreaker mumbled something that sounded dangerously close to "I'll show you to ignore me…" and glared at Sideswipe. Sideswipe ignored the chance to redeem himself, and Sunstreaker got frustrated.
It didn't take but two minutes for him to steal back the attention he felt he so deserved. One kiss to the back of Sideswipe's neck and a hard touch, and Sideswipe was pinned to the floor on his back, full attention on him.
"That's better" Sunstreaker purred, kissing him hard, trying again, failing again, to draw blood, "don't tell me you prefer that to me?"
"Like I said," Sideswipe growled back, arching his hips up when Sunstreaker wouldn't move, "I like winning."
"Okay" Sunstreaker started working Sideswipe's jeans down, slowly, devious look on his face, "we'll see if you can win." He dropped a quick kiss to Sideswipe's lips, "I think you can't."
"But it's not fair" Sideswipe whimpered, as Sunstreaker tugged away his jeans and tossed them aside, "you're at a total advantage."
"I know" Sunstreaker purred, flipping Sideswipe over and running his tongue down Sideswipe's back, "Better work harder."
"Not- aaaah-" he gasped for breath at the intrusion of Sunstreaker's fingers, "-not fair. You… brat…"
"Callin' me names now? I don't have to go this easy on you." Sunstreaker's fingertips danced over that sensitive spot, the hollow above Sideswipe's hip, and Sideswipe hissed, squirming.
"Easy? Don't-" He sucked in a breath when Sunstreaker bypassed two fingers for three, "don't you fucking go easy on me."
"Fine then." Sunstreaker too-amused laugh, "I won't." As if to prove his point, he pushed into Sideswipe roughly, reveling in the near-scream this merited. Sideswipe tensed, back arching, refusing, refusing, to lose. "Don't even try" Sunstreaker leaned forward to whisper in Sideswipe's ear, thrusting in further, so hard he would have been hurting Sideswipe if he'd been human, "You can't win. Give up. Just let go and give up."
"I never lose," Sideswipe started hissing, but the words were lost in a harsh exhale of curses, and Sunstreaker laughed at the desperation in Sideswipe's movements, "Never."
"You always lose" Sunstreaker thrust into him, harder, always harder, and Sideswipe nearly screamed, "when can you ever win when you're playing with me?"
"I'll show you what it's like to lose" Sideswipe groaned as Sunstreaker left another bite mark on his shoulder, "Do you have any fucking idea what it's like?"
"No." Sunstreaker swiped Sideswipe's ear with his tongue, then turned his attention away again, ravishing the hot skin with harder bites that made Sideswipe moan and gasp, "Do you have any idea how good you taste?"
"N-no, but 'm glad you like it" Sideswipe was biting his lip hard, refusing to lose, refusing to give in first, "Can make you beg for it."
"You'll be begging me first" Sunstreaker laid another assault to Sideswipe's neck, pressing hot kiss over the bite mark as if in an afterthought of an apology.
"Will-not-" Sideswipe ground out. Sunstreaker knew better. One quick, rough thrust of his hips and Sideswipe was gone, the edge he'd been backing away from now far behind them.
And he was gone, and it was in those moments that Sunstreaker found the part of Sideswipe he loved the most.
Sunstreaker curled up next to Sideswipe, with a kiss that was softer than anything he'd given Sideswipe. "I love you, you know." He felt Sideswipe slip an arm around him, pull him close.
"I know." He sounded tired, and Sunstreaker grinned at that. "Love you too. Even though I lost."
"Losing's okay. You look good doing it." Primus, how Sunstreaker loved this sleepy little talk they always had afterwards. Mindless, drained, and because he knew Sideswipe never forgot a word, it was when he could say everything he felt. "I love how you can lose with grace." Not like himself. He hated losing. Hated it with a bitter passion, felt like he'd forfeited some indispensible portion of his self-worth every time he did.
"I don't mind losing to you" Sideswipe tilted his chin up to press a kiss to his lips, "I still have you in the end, so it's okay."
Sunstreaker had nearly fallen asleep a few minutes later, curled up against Sideswipe's chest, but even so, Sideswipe's movement didn't escape him.
"Don't even" Sunstreaker growled, seeing Sideswipe extend a hand in the direction of the laptop.
"But-"
"You don't even want to know what I'll do to you." Sunstreaker growled. "Not only will you lose, you'll find yourself somewhere dark and behind a locked door."
"Pleasant" Sideswipe grumbled, bringing his hand to the small of Sunstreaker's back again, "maybe I won't play just now, in that case."
"That's better. I wouldn't even be able to lock you into the storage room."
"Yeah? Why not?"
"Prowl and Ironhide are there right now."
"Doing?"
"Exactly what you think they're doing."
"So you won't try and lock me in any rooms right now?"
"Not if you stay right where you are."
"What's so great about where I am right now?"
"I like it." Sunstreaker closed his eyes, turning his face into Sideswipe's chest, fingers curling into the fabric of his shirt, "Just… stay with me." He didn't know why he was feeling so clingy today but- and he would never know why their stars aligned so precisely- Sideswipe was in a mirroring mood.
"Nowhere I'd rather be, babe." He murmured, "Nowhere in any world."
Tangled together on the floor, sparkpulses in harmony, they slept.
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
"Thank Primus you always take forever doing this job" Ironhide said, closing the door of the storage room behind him. Prowl arched an eyebrow. "You have two minutes."
"I usually take two hours."
"Exactly. I want that time." He meant it, too. The second Prowl shoved the last stack of boxes toward the corner, Ironhide had him pinned up against the wall, kissing him like there was nothing sweeter in any world. Prowl moaned against his lips, hands roaming over Ironhide's chest. "Don't think you've ever finished taking inventory faster" Ironhide murmured, kissing down Prowl's neck.
"S'ppose not"
Something was tugging at his consciousness, some memory, something that was making him want to tense and jerk away, even as every part of him begged for Ironhide's touch, a touch that was trailing downward as Ironhide pressed hot kisses to his skin.
Something…
Screaming.
And suddenly, Prowl was whimpering, but not in that pleased way, his hold on Ironhide too tight, tears too bitter, clinging like he was in pain.
"Prowl?" Ironhide turned a confused gaze to him.
"I'm sorry" he sounded so pained, so apologetic. Prowl would be lying if he said he hadn't dreamed of this, and if he said he wasn't scared. "I- I'm sorry…"
"What's wrong?" Panic coursed through Ironhide, seeing how Prowl wept and trembled, followed by the heart-stopping fear that he'd done something horribly, terribly wrong to Prowl.
"I don't know. Just- just-" tears welled in the gray eyes.
"It's okay" Ironhide traced his fingers over Prowl's cheek, gentle, heart going out to him as he realized what was wrong, as old memories resurfaced to mock him for forgetting, forgetting that one day they'd been somewhere together, so much more inexperienced than they were now, when those other two were so much farther along than them, with such different tastes. They'd heard the screams, and maybe, just maybe, Prowl hadn't been able to forget, hadn't realized the true emotion behind them. "You can be scared. It's okay." He kissed Prowls' damp cheek.
"It's not. It's really not. I don't want to end up associating you with pain. I love you. What if that happens?" Ironhide realized that he should have known, should have realized, hated that he hadn't. Prowl always over-thought, over-analyzed. It made perfect, predictable sense that he would feel the same in this situation. He was still the same Bot. He would still feel the same.
"I'm sorry. I'm going about this all wrong." How could he have forgotten? He was going to kill those two for hurting his Bot like this, however indirectly. "Give me another chance?"
Prowl could agree to that. Could give Ironhide that, and perhaps, that was the best thing Ironhide could have done for him in that very instant.
"Of course."
They ended up at the Bots' nearly-empty apartment. "Better?" Ironhide murmured, settling himself beside Prowl on the bed, kissing him softly and drying his tears. Prowl nodded. "You remember that time we almost walked in on them, huh?" Another silent nod. "What you have to remember about them," Ironhide said, brushing away a tear on Prowl's cheek, "is that they are different. There's a lot of different kinds of love, and we aren't like them." Prowl offered a weak smile.
"Thank Primus for that." He still had that deep concern in his eyes, though, scared, scared it would hurt, scared of trusting too much, too little, just scared.
"I would never do that to you" Ironhide promised, "I couldn't, and I won't." He leaned over to kiss Prowl softly, "This will be what you want." Prowl nodded, silent, and for a moment, Ironhide was scared, but of something quite different.
"I want you."
And Ironhide knew everything was going to be all right for them.
"You're sure this is what you want?" He pushed himself up, looking down at Prowl. He knew Prowl, though, knew a simple 'yes' wasn't going to be true. There was no chance he'd do anything to Prowl that the Bot didn't want. He wasn't going to lose Prowl again.
"More than anything." Finally, that excited anticipation was back in his eyes, if still battling concern, "just… just go slow."
"I'll play nice" Ironhide kissed him, deep, wanting more, "I promise." Ironhide's favorite speed was fast and rough, but if Prowl didn't, Ironhide would wait until Prowl himself asked it. He nearly laughed aloud when he felt Prowl's hands slip up under his shirt, his touch slow, careful. "Trust me." Another sweet kiss, tasting of I promise I won't hurt you. It was nearly impossible to slow down to the pace Prowl needed, but the thought of Prowl's trembling fear was reminder enough.
He'd always known Prowl wouldn't be a screamer. What he hadn't known was that Prowl would still leave him always wanting more.
Ironhide crawled up next to Prowl, kissing him before lying down beside him. "You're sure I didn't hurt you?" he asked, again. Prowl smiled, reaching for him.
"You didn't." He snuggled up against Ironhide, and, Ironhide was relieved to see, there was no fear in his eyes anymore. "Hey, Hide?"
"Hmm?" Ironhide closed his eyes, breathing in that warm, addicting scent that was purely Prowl. Like cologne, only unique.
"Thank you," Prowl breathed, barely audible, "I know you didn't want to go that slow. And… and I really love you. And… it's just… amazing, that you can understand even though I can't really explain it."
"I get what you mean, Prowler." Ironhide murmured. "I love you."
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Sam was just a little bit jealous. Nothing he couldn't live with, but he couldn't help the pang of envy. Bee wouldn't talk about the sparkmates issue, and Sam didn't dare bring it up. It wasn't important enough that he break Bee's heart again to ask. But all the same, the concept of Sparkmates was beautiful. It was like the idea of soulmates, but real. He wondered what it felt like- and if he already knew.
That was what Sam wondered most of all. If he did know what it felt like, to love someone that deeply.
He had no way of knowing for sure, had only his own feelings to go on. But watching the other Sparkmates, Sam felt that, even if Bee didn't feel the same way, he loved Bee that much. Watching Sideswipe and Sunstreaker snarl at each other and then always, always return to each other, watching them fight and apologize and never give up on the other. Watching Prowl and Ironhide talking softly together, watching Ironhide pretend he wasn't moved to tears when Prowl gave him a rose, watching them work out mild irritation with each other.
And then feeling like nothing else in the world existed when Bee smiled like that. He would throw his arms around Sam and said he'd missed Sam, and was it pathetic that it had only been a day since he'd seen him and still missed him this much? Moments like that, Sam wanted nothing more than to trade away anything, anything in the world, just to stay. It wasn't that the smile Bee had just for him would be for someone else, no, that wouldn't hurt nearly as much. It was that Bee would never again be so happy.
Sam felt sure they had something beyond even love.
But Bee never said anything about it, so Sam left that already-fractured heart unbroken, and said nothing too.
Sam pushed those thoughts out of his mind, snuggling up to Bee and denying the details of his thoughts to Bee when he asked.
"I can tell you're thinking about something important" Bee's stubborn tone wasn't meant to amuse, but Sam couldn't help a smile anyways, "you can tell me."
No, Sam couldn't, not that.
"Just thinking about how it could be possible for a human to live that long, is all." He avoided telling his immediate thoughts, offering up the other topic he'd been thinking over for quite some time.
"I'm not going to do it." Bee repeated. If Sam could save voice files, he could count how many times Bee had refused that. "I'm not going to."
"What you would do." Sam kissed Bee's neck. "Just tell me, please? I just want to know. Curiosity. Indulge me a bit, would you?"
"If I could" Bee murmured, "If I could, I would have a shard of my spark-" he looked down at his fingers, index and thumb pressed together like he was holding a piece of glass that wasn't really there, "and it would have to fuse with your heart. The electricity would overtake it, wrapping around it and spreading inwards," He spread his hand out over Sam's chest, above his heart. Long fingers, strong hands, Sam loved that part of Bee, too. "which would hurt. It would be a shock to your heart at first, and then that would get enveloped in the electricity, absorbing it, kind of… smothering it, a little. And then it would take a little while, maybe a few minutes, before you'd have more of a spark than a heart. You'd have a sparkpulse, not a heartbeat. It sounds a little different, but not very. Just faster." Sam moved slightly, so his ear was against Bee's chest, and he could hear what Bee was talking about. His sparkpulse sounded like a heartbeat, but a little faster. Bee ran his fingers through Sam's hair absently, going on in the same quiet tone, "And other things would have to change, of course. After all, human bodies only last a hundred years. Bots have to live for so much longer. Thousands of years. I don't know the equivalent. But it feels like time has different speeds sometimes. You have to tell yourself you're living a human lifespan, not look at it in the greater scheme of a Bot's lifetime, so our years won't look like less than a week's time. But that ability to outlast natural time's parameters… it requires a lot more."
Sam had to steel himself not to be hurt by the wistful tone to Bee's voice. It was like Bee was describing some wonderful memory he wanted to relieve, but it wasn't a memory, it was just a dream.
"Your blood would change composition" He trailed a fingertip down Sam's chest, as if following the flow of blood, "everything would be stronger, so it could last so much longer. Your immune system would change, able to heal itself. Everything's done so time has less effect. It's like cheating time, living on one planet and living with the timeframe of another."
He was silent for a few minutes, and all Sam heard was the near-silent pulse of Bee's spark, almost identical to his own heartbeat, but different enough to create the one obstacle they could not overcome.
"It would hurt. It would feel like you were dying. And in the end… you wouldn't be completely human anymore. You might still feel human, but you wouldn't really be a human anymore." Sam tilted his head to press a kiss to Bee's lips, and tasted tears. "Maybe we shouldn't talk about this anymore. It's not helping. I mean…" He paused, looking down at Sam, "I'd rather think about how much time I do have with you."
"Me too" Sam whispered, even as his mind replied, there's not much, not enough. Even as irritation he didn't want to admit to coursed through him.
"Why do you always bring it up? I know you hate that I won't do it." Bee's voice made Sam look up.
"Not really sure. Just wanted to know, I guess." And wear Bee down until he gave in. But that obviously wasn't working. "You don't like talking about it?"
"No." Bee was practically snapping at him.
"But it's something we have to think about, you know?" Sam pushed himself up to look down at Bee, "You can't really want to take the easy way out? I'm not gonna fight with you again, but I swear it looks like you don't want me for that long. Even if you do."
"I do. You think I don't? I want you. I love you. And I need you, too." Bee spat out the last line like he hated it. Sam blinked. Needed?
If he needed Sam, how could Bee be letting him go?
"Need? Honestly?" He saw the scowl on Bee's face and withdrew the tone, better matching it to how he felt, "Really? How?"
"I just…" Bee locked his jaw, looking away, kicked at the covers a little, squirming around because Sam knew- oh, how well he knew Bee, it was tragic that he couldn't spend so much more time figuring him out, time Bee wouldn't allow him to have- he hated talking about how he felt sometimes. "Losing you… it's like, you keep me human." His gaze flickered to Sam, cautious, then away, "I thought that part of me died a long time ago. I don't want to lose it again. I don't know what it's like to be a human. I was supposed to be one, yeah, but now, I'm supposed to be a Bot and a human. Not some… not some fucking holo. But I couldn't be a real human before, there was no reason to be."
"But- no one else has said anything about that. You've all got the holo program, so-"
"No one else? Of course no one else has. They're all just Bots. They know exactly who they are." Bee had a sharp edge to his voice, "They use the holo program but they don't live it. It's not part of who they are. They've always known that." And Sam remembered Ratchet telling him, telling him that Bee hadn't always known he was human, that he'd had the news broken to him, and Sam had never truly wondered if that was hard to hear.
"So let me stay."
"I want to. Fucking… I want to. I do." And his silence begged Sam to understand. To accept.
Sam couldn't, but he wanted to try.
"It's not that you make me remember what it's like to be a human. Because I can't. It's like you're teaching me how." Bee said slowly.
"Any human could do that."
"No." Bee shook his head, biting his lip. "You think I'll ever get close to another human again? No." He drew in a sharp breath, looking away, "Almost wish I didn't know what I was missing. Primus. What a fucking mess. And yet…" He looked back up at Sam, "You make it all worth it." Sam slid back down to lie next to him, slipping an arm around Bee.
"Wish I could make it better, too."
Sam kissed him tenderly, wished things were simpler. Wished it didn't have to be this way, that it wasn't this hard on Bee, pushing him from being fine to completely snapping, that it would all work out in the way he felt they'd earned, that they deserved.
And wondered, again, as he had countless times before, what could be so terrible as to discourage Bee from letting Sam stay.
Because when Sam weighed the positives and the negatives, nothing in the world could compare to the possibility of staying with the one he loved beyond what he could have ever thought possible.
"If I could…" Bee murmured, "I'd do it in a sparkpulse. I can't, but I wish I could."
Sam didn't doubt him, but he couldn't understand him, either.
Sam didn't know what Bee was taking into account, what could make it such a worthless, worthless risk.
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This time, the room wasn't empty.
This time, the entire Special Ops team was in the room, but it didn't make any difference.
Lennox was in a foul mood, due to the combined effects of a parking ticket (Ironhide claimed he hadn't seen the sign, but really, he'd just fallen asleep), his cell phone getting broken (he'd dropped it while on top of a ladder), a sleepless night (his daughter had the flu and had cried through most of the small hours in the morning), and the café being out of his favorite kind of bagels.
And a bad mood meant an irritated lecture on one of his ultimate pet peeves.
"See this?" Lennox pointed to the wireless computer mouse. "This is called a mouse. It's wireless. Which means that it can get lost. This is why we are very careful with it. We have lost forty-seven of these in the past year. We've spent over a thousand dollars on these damn little things alone. If I ever find out who's accidentally walked off with one, I will send them on a search- across the entire country if I have to- to get it back. And watch." Mouse in hand, he waved his arm around in the air. "It can move without getting broken. Now. See this?" He held up the other mouse, which was attached to a frayed wire. "This is also a mouse. It is not wireless. Which means that if you yank it away from the desk, it will break! We've broken fifty-two of these! Over two hundred dollars spent on these stupid little things because some of you cannot seem to get it straight! These, you can move around. These, you can definitely not walk away from the desk with! Do not mix up these mouses-"
"Captain?" Tanner raised his hand. Beside him, Chris sighed and hid a smile.
"Yes?" Lennox looked up from his study of the broken wire.
"Isn't the plural of 'mouse' actually mice? Not mouses?"
"Tanner-" Lennox gritted out through his teeth, "Do you know what the plural of 'death' is?"
"Uh… deaths?"
"Exactly. But here's the funny thing. There's a plural form, but you can't die twice. So when I kill you for pissin' me off, you aren't gonna come back!" The other team members snickered.
And suddenly went dead silent.
"Captain" one of the newer recruits raised a hand, "Why is the monitor doing that?" Lennox turned.
The radar was flashing. Quick flash, quick flash, and suddenly, the point on the radar vanished.
"The Decepticons-"
Then a building exploded.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Sunstreaker was going to die.
Worse than that, his entire world was going to end, but he would have to keep on living, if it could even be considered that anymore.
Sunstreaker couldn't imagine his life without him, couldn't live without him.
Is this how he felt?
"This way. I'm over here." Ratchet's voice made Sunstreaker flinch. "The light?" Ratchet asked, more gently. Sunstreaker readjusted the lamp, its light as bright as they dared, not wanting to attract attention to the hastily set up medical camp. Ratchet bent back over the table, the hum of tiny lasers continuing. Arcee had taken down a Decepticon, but had paid a price that could lock her into the same place as the Con she had destroyed. Sunstreaker wanted to ask if she was going to be okay, but words froze into silence. He wanted to be over there, over where the light wasn't, but Ratchet needed him here.
"We've done all we can for him" Ratchet said softly, drawing Sunstreaker's gaze to him, "He has a very good chance now." Sunstreaker could only nod silently, unable to say the words crushing him. If he doesn't live, I can't either.
Memories continued to torment him, as they had for the past- how long? He couldn't keep track of time now. Too long. His voice, telling Sunstreaker he loved him, hated him, needed him, loved him. Sunstreaker couldn't live without hearing that voice, seeing that smile, feeling that touch. Like Sunstreaker's life was only whole with his there beside it, like his own life would crumble and fall into that vast nothingness of space, without his other half to hold him up.
He looked again into that darkness, could just make out the other med table.
This is how he felt.
Sideswipe woke to a dark night sky, flickering lights from far away, and the sound of metal hitting metal.
"Don't touch that." Ratchet snapped, and Sideswipe could see another wrench being flung past them.
"I didn't!" Skids's voice, "Man, I did not sign up for this!" This looked to be Ratchet's field surgery setup, far away from the- Sideswipe remembered, all at once, why he'd ended up where he was. He tried to sit up, found it was far more difficult than it should have been. "Sun…?" Ratchet was at his side instantly, forcing him back down and readjusting cables, "Where's Sunstreaker? Is he okay? He was-" he'd been right beside Sideswipe and then- then something had happened, and Sideswipe had recollection only of the marvel at Sunstreaker's absurdly heroic behavior, and nothing more.
"He's perfectly fine. He's right over there where I sent him with Arcee. He's fine." Ratchet unhooked several system-monitoring cables, one hand gesturing off into the darkness, "he'll be here momentarily, I'm sure. He's been hovering for some time no-"
"Swipe!" Sunstreaker had bolted over mere sparkpulses after Ratchet had said he would, "you're okay, oh, thank Primus you're okay-" Sideswipe caught Sunstreaker's hand in his own, holding on as tightly as his drained strength would allow. Sunstreaker sank to his knees beside the makeshift bed, optics fixed on Sideswipe, not noticing as Ratchet slipped away, leaving them alone. "I thought- Primus, Sides, I thought you were going to die…" His voice quavered, like this had been the only thought in his mind, and had been killing him from the inside out, "I really thought I'd lost you…" He put his head down on the bed, shoulders trembling, "Primus, Sides, I couldn't stand losing you. I hate you- you were being so stupid, risking your life like that, I wanted to shoot you myself- but I could never live without you... I never thought I'd have to." Optics flickered up to meet Sideswipe's, "I was so scared. Being without you… It looks different, from being that close… I'd never felt like that… I never want to feel that way again… it was like… like everything was over…"
Sideswipe had known Sunstreaker loved him, he'd always known that.
But he'd never truly understood just how much.
"Is that how you felt?" he asked softly. Sideswipe wanted to say he hadn't, just so that Sunstreaker wouldn't feel even worse than he already did, but it would be a lie.
"Yes."
Sunstreaker looked away, turning his face into his arm.
"I'm so sorry. I don't know how you lived through that for so long…" his voice broke, mournful tone enough to break a heart alone, "I just… I can't believe you're okay. I can't even tell you how scary it was."
"I love you, Sunny" Sideswipe murmured, squeezing his hand, "I'm gonna be here with you. I promise."
Footsteps made both look up, to find Ratchet beside them, small monitor in hand, one both recognized. It was Ratchet's practice to copy and check the last minutes of recorded memory of any who were injured badly in battle, as Sideswipe had been, to glean any useful information, but rarely did he look so worried by it. "Your memories of just before you fell show Starscream attacking, but I couldn't see anything else. I did hear voices-"
"Oh, no." Sideswipe would have sworn his spark had frozen for a pulse, "Bee. Dammit, I saw him heading towards Bee- is he okay?"
"I was hoping you could tell us."
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Acts of heroism were rarely guided by logic. No matter how logically-minded the being, emotion ran rampant, shoving aside unnecessary logic. Perhaps it was a technique, to avoid regret and heartache later, when a lack of heroism would have let a life go unsaved, but that was only true when the hero escaped unscathed.
And this time, he hadn't.
Bee fell next to where Sam had collapsed- he'd taken a shot meant for Bee, and Bee was still unable to try grasp the magnitude of what Sam had done, too stunned to truly realize- not hearing the scream of metal above them, or the clash of weapons or the hiss of an ion cannon. He ignored the wail of pain in his own body, feeling only that panicked, trembling horror he'd never, ever wanted to feel. He bent over Sam, trying to figure out if he was okay- he has to be- whose the blood was- let it be mine and not his- whether he was hurt- Primus, no, anything but that- and why he wasn't moving- please, please, not that- and he couldn't quite comprehend what he was seeing, not yet, not yet, panic seizing him and holding tight and he was scared it would never let him go.
And Sam wasn't moving, wasn't moving at all, and dread like none other started spreading through Bee, a sickened horror that gripped him and would never let go if it was truly real, what he was seeing.
"Sam! Sam, get up!" Bee's hands searched for the source of all the blood, couldn't find it, couldn't, "get up, get up, get up!"
How many times had he heard those words? No matter who had fallen, the only plea was to please, please, get up, some of the few words that lasted through eras, words that should have died but wouldn't, words that were always there, like that could solve everything if they could just-
"Sam!" he felt the weak pulse of Sam's heartbeat beneath his fingertips, but he couldn't even see the skin there, it was covered by blood and Bee knew, just knew, he'd found where all the blood was coming from. "No, no, no, no, no, no-" Why couldn't he have moved a fraction faster, held onto Sam a moment longer, why- "Sam!" Tears blurred his vision, but he could still see the pooling blood, see nothing else but that.
"Please" Sam's voice was so soft, it was like it was already gone, like he was fading away and his voice was the first to go- "I want to stay with you, Bee."
"But- but-" Even as he tried to refuse, the shard of spark had already jumped to his fingertips, pulsing, slowly burning, "I'm sorry, Sam, I'm so sorry-"
He couldn't see his fingertips anymore, where they pressed against the open wound, trying to hold it together, could just see the seeping blood, staining his fingers crimson, a sight he would never, never forget.
"Love you more than enough to want to stay" Sam's fingers found Bee's hand, urged him to keep going, "I love you."
It was too late. He could feel it. Even as he forced the shard through Sam's skin to meld against his heart, even as the spark's pulse overtook that of Sam's heart, it was too late.
"No, Sam, no, you can't leave, not like this-" There was nothing he could do, but there had been, if he'd just listened before, maybe Sam wouldn't be- Bee shuddered to think the word, as sobs threatened to overtake him, "please, please, Sam, don't, you can't-"
There shouldn't have been that much blood.
"Sam!" He wiped away more of the blood, frantic, and when he finally saw the cut, he couldn't keep away the sobs that shook his frame. The gash was deeper than he'd expected, he could even see the faint glow from the spark that had been too late to save Sam, so deep, there was no way he could ever recover, but Bee wasn't going to think of that, he just wasn't. "You're not supposed to die now! It's not fair, you shouldn't have to- please, please, Sam-" it was useless, but he kept trying anyways to stop the blood, "I should've let you stay, Sam, I should've listen to you, I'm sorry, but you can't go now! You shouldn't- shouldn't lose your life for the Bots, Sam, it's not fair, the world can't work like that- Sam!"
Primus, he'd never known here could be so much blood, but it couldn't be, it just couldn't be that bad, because if it was-
"Dammit, Sam, I can't live without you, I can't, I need you, I really do, I love you so much, Sam-" The tears that fell to mix with the blood shimmered for a moment before drowning in the deep crimson, "Please, please, please-" He didn't know if Sam could hear him, but he had to hear, just had to, because he couldn't be. Tears burned in Bee's eyes, the image he'd never, never wanted to see wavering before him. "You can't go, Sam! Please! Please, please, please, Sam!"
Something was still burning, but nothing else mattered, nothing save for Sam; Bee looked around frantically for someone, anyone, but no one was there. The shard of spark had a dull glow, but it shouldn't have been that dark, should have been brighter- "I should have done this sooner, I know, I know I should have, Sam, and I'm sorry-" He struggled to find evidence of the spark pulse, but everywhere he tried, his fingers trailed through blood that dulled the sensation, "I only didn't because I was scared, Sam- I was scared I'm sorry-" Where was the pulse? Why couldn't he find it?
Bee couldn't accept that it just wasn't there, because it had to be.
"You can't leave, Sam" Bee begged, sobs choking him, all the words he'd sworn never to say tumbling from his lips, because he'd been wrong not to say them, wrong to try and protect Sam when truly, no one could, not when it was happening like this, "You're my Sparkmate, Sam, it's you, so you can't leave, you just can't!" He forced back tears, couldn't, "you, and no one else. I should have told you, I know I should have, but I didn't and I'm sorry, I'm' so sorry, but you're my Sparkmate and you're the only one ever-and I didn't tell you and I didn't want you to stay because-" Tears stung his eyes, making it harder to draw in breath, "because I was scared it couldn't be you because you're a human, and that I just thought it was you because I love you so much, because- because if it's not you, and if I'm wrong- then you'd die, Sam, the spark would kill you because it wouldn't be the one that counteracts you, and I didn't want you to die for me" his voice hitched, the painful burn in his throat like when he couldn't talk, but it was worse, so much worse now, "But now you are and I'm sorry- I need you, I love you, I love you more than you ever knew-please, Sam, you can't- I love you, Sam!"
The city was burning, but fires could be extinguished and would eventually fade to cinders, walls would be rebuilt, smoke would clear. But in the midst of all the chaos and fire, Bee's entire world faded away, farther from him than even the distant star he used to call home, and even as he searched frantically for evidence that Sam could be saved, he failed to find his last thread of hope.
It was breaking.
"No, Sam, no-please! Please, please… not- oh, God, please, not now-not this soon-Primus, please, please, no-" A sob caught in his throat, tears filling his eyes as he struggled to stop the bleeding, even as the fading glow of the spark told him, too late, too late, too late. But he had to keep trying, because if he lost Sam- he would lose everything. Sam was everything to him, he made the entire world matter. And so much more. He was keeping Bee human, keeping the world together, and if he was gone- Bee couldn't bear to consider what would happen, how the world was going to fall apart, how he would be nothing, feel nothing but how Sam was missing, how he needed Sam. He kept trying to stop the bleeding- it had become the only thing he wanted in the world, like if he could just stop all that blood, Sam would get better- even though Bee already knew, as he sobbed, still begging, because as much as he'd insisted it would have to be this way, he didn't know it could hurt this much, that it would feel like the entire world was ending and that without Sam, there would be nothing left in his world, "no- don't leave me, Sam, please- I love you! Sam!"
Sam's heartbeat was gone.
Broken.
This time, there was no meaning in that silence, nothing, nothing, no meaning at all, and there never would be again. Bee had never before heard such an empty silence, no words and no meaning, just that empty void, nothing left, nothing at all, and his heart broke for the last time.
Bee's heart died with Sam.
Broken, gone, meaningless.
"Sam?"
Silence.
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