A/N: Thank you for all the amazing, amazing reviews, adds, faves, recommends. I am writing this story from my heart and it is toughest to write such a different side to Brittany. I can't tell you how hard it is to get into this version of Britt but I love her so much more. I hope you do too!
Know that your reviews empower me to keep going with this story on days I want to just take it all down. Thank you!
Chapter 25: Chase This Light (Jimmy Eat World)
"So you wouldn't go together?"
"I won't let her stop her life for me. I just need sometime to myself...to just be a mom and be normal for once."
"How long do think that you will stay there?"
"Maybe forever."
Brittany's POV
It was the middle of the night and here I sat staring out of the window of the chapel all alone.
Ana's words bouncing around my head. My timing really sucks. Hearing them talk about her potentially leaving me really hurt. I was trying so hard to be everything she needed but Tony had warned me that it might be too late.
I didn't want to believe that Ana and I would ever be completely over. I had told him over and over again that I would do whatever she asked.
I would chase her to the ends of the Earth or I would move to a new planet if that is what she asked of me.
I knew that Ari was just trying to get Ana to see passed the hospital and all the pain. I knew that while she was incredibly sneaky she wasn't malicious. She respected my marriage more than anyone else, that's why I trusted her around my wife despite the fact that she was hopelessly in love with her.
I just knew that I could trust her.
Was that wrong?
It had been a full two weeks since Ana first woke up. She was now in her eighth month of pregnancy. Our little girl was healthy and Ana, despite the embolism, was physically healthier than she had ever been. I had hope. It had been tough but I was positive that the two weeks of reconciling and talking through all of our issues had helped us move to a new level of commitment.
At least that was what I had thought before I bumped into a conversation that I shouldn't have. I'm sure that the way that Ana was thinking wasn't along the same lines as what I was imagining, at least that's what Tony thinks.
I'm not so sure though.
What were we even trying to accomplish anymore?
When I decided to become Catholic I hadn't realized the amazing amount of information that I needed to remember and I was even more amazed that I actually remembered them. One thing that I did realize in all of it was that sometimes walking away and just allowing your soul quiet time was the best way to come back to the path that you were supposed to be on.
It was something that I had always seen Ana do.
I would be ready to go, hopping along excitedly or filling every second with words and sounds. Ana though, she made it a point to create quiet for herself. She ran alone, she drove sometimes all alone and she read alone. I realize now as I sit looking up at the moon through the stained glass that she had been trying to fix the tears in her soul.
Was that what I needed to do now?
Was I broken beyond fixing?
I wanted to cry so badly or cut so badly but neither of those things would help me. With my mind back on track I was thinking much more logically than I used to be and so I saw things more clearly now. I had to justify my actions and cutting and crying both weren't something I could justify. I had gotten myself in this situation. I had apologized, repented, chastised myself. I mean I was working harder at this than anything else in my life.
And my dancing was starting to suffer.
I left to go back to Tony after I heard the conversation and I nearly flew off the stage.
It was a rookie mistake.
I was distracted and so now I needed to fix that broken part of me that was keeping me from accepting what I should have seen as inevitable.
Tony was right...I couldn't let this affect my work.
My world had just become so focused on Ana that I wasn't allowing myself a moment to breathe. I had tried to hold my two worlds together but they weren't fitting like they were supposed to.
This week we were supposed to start casting the show and as the only female director on staff, my opinion was going to be relied on heavily. I had already been warned that this show had some really big backers and that I couldn't afford to drop the ball. They were depending on me to pick a leading lady that had enough star quality to be the next big star on Broadway.
That is a tremendous undertaking.
I was insanely nervous about it.
When I found out about the size of my new responsibility, I went straight to Ana and tried to talk to her about it. She didn't see it as such a big deal. My dancing was my dream but for her it was something that I did to occupy my time. She could afford to slack off and put off law school for eternity. Her net worth just kept growing and with Sal working tirelessly to reclaim all of her father's assets, she was now worth well over thirty million dollars and that was just an estimate.
I tried to just shake off my annoyance with her but then she went even further and told me that I should just call Rachel Berry and be done with it.
Not helpful!
I know that it may sound crazy but I don't want a train wreck like Rachel anywhere near my show. She has talent and I mean huge talent but I don't think that fame would do anything but corrupt her. It would make her colder and harder than she was already was. I could deal with Ana and her ruthless streak but Rachel...she was a whole other breed of cutthroat and I didn't want that.
Add to that, I had slept with Rachel, a number of times and so I knew her on a level that I think only Quinn knows. She is a poison. Never have I met someone so selfish and conniving and I was an ex Cheerio. I needed a leading lady that I could trust not to become a diva the moment she signed her contract and I already knew that Rachel was definitely not that person.
She just wasn't someone that I could readily trust.
That was crystal clear to me.
I wish that Ana could see that...see what I could see in people.
But Ana wasn't my Santana anymore. She had emerged from the coma a different person. She was softer, more nervous, and definitely more vulnerable.
I had spent years with her taking care of me but now I was in charge of taking care of her and while I had always coveted that position in our relationship, if I could give it back...I would in a heartbeat.
"B?" I looked up and saw Ana standing in the doorway, fist clenched around the IV pole looking straight at me. "Have you been crying?"
I reached my hands up to my face and wiped at the moisture there. I hadn't realized that I had been crying and was frustrated that I had gotten to that point. I was crying in a corner like a wimp. I hated for her to see me this way.
"Ana, why are you out of bed?" I tried to sound authoritative but my voice came out weak and broken. I stood to my feet and walked over to her. She was panting and fighting back a cough by the time I reached her. She looked up at me and raised a hand to my face.
"I woke up from a nightmare about Marco. About that time that we had dinner with Mr. Evans...I was calling for you and you weren't there. When I saw that you weren't even in the room, I figured that you would be in here."
Her walls were definitely down and I could see that she was fighting tears. Her breathing was a bit labored so I led her to the closest pew and got her to sit down. I hated seeing her like this.
So broken and sad.
Of course I'm sure she felt the same way and here we were both looking our worst.
"I'm sorry that I wasn't there. Do you want to talk about it?" She shook her head and smiled a little. I could see right through her. She was hurting. I knelt down in front of her and rested a hand on her chest. I could feel the straining in her lungs. "Your lungs are bad, you shouldn't have gotten up and tried to find me."
"I had to. You don't think that I can't see you falling apart Brittany? I can see how lost you are becoming. I can see that you don't look at me the same anymore. I know I'm weak but I am going to get better. I just...please don't go back to the way you were B...I'll do anything."
"None of this is about me Ana. I just want you to focus on getting better and bringing our little girl into this world safely. You aren't going to get better if you do things like this."
"I told you before that you are an important part of my recovery. I don't want you to just be holding things together...we aren't going to heal if you live like that. I want you to be happy, I want you to continue to get better and I want to help you do that in anyway that I can. I still love you B. Always and only, you."
I wanted to cry and so I did. I cried right there as I rested my face against her neck. I laid hot wet kisses against her flesh and felt her erratic breathing against my cheek.
It suddenly put me on high alert.
"You know what would really help me right now?"
"Yea?" she said to me sounding almost breathless.
"For you not to pass out." I stood to my feet and wrapped my arms under her, picking her up slowly. I was careful not to rip out her IV as I held her against me. "Grab the pole."
Any other time she would have made a lewd comment but this time she just nodded and wrapped her hand around the pole so that it wouldn't get caught on anything.
"When we get back to bed...will you talk to me about what's bothering you?" she said as I focused on making my way out of the door without bumping her.
"Once I get you back in bed we can talk about whatever you want. Okay?"
She nodded against me as she rested her face against my chest. I held her as tight as I could without bruising her and walked slowly down the corridor. Her room was at the opposite end of the hallway.
Normally it was a walk that took no more than a full minute but holding onto my heavily pregnant wife, it took me almost five minutes.
When we got back to the room, Doc was standing there beside the bed looking really upset. He had her oxygen mask at the ready just in case she needed it. I looked down at her as I lowered her on the bed and realized that she was asleep and breathing shallowly.
This was bad.
I felt horrible.
No matter how much encouragement I got from Gladys or Doc, no one could wipe away my guilt.
I had caused her this immense hardship and when I saw her so fragile...I broke apart more and more.
I couldn't go on living this way.
Something had to give.
"Since you are so awake at this hour it is a good time to talk." Dr. J said as he looked at a perturbed Santana. She was sitting with her hands crossed over her chest and glaring at him.
She was wide awake now because her lungs had begun to seize up and he had sat her up and dumped the mask on her face. I sat on the chair beside her bed as she clutched my hand. I was tired and understood her irritation.
"Doc...can't this wait until morning?"
"No. This is life or death." he said looking pointedly at Ana. She looked at me with worried eyes and then back at him before she nodded.
"Go ahead Doc."
"You reached eight months today. I have met with the other doctors and we want to get the baby out sooner rather than later."
Ana shook her head vigorously as she clutched her stomach. Neither of us wanted to do that...we wanted to try and make it to full term but he looked absolutely sure about this.
"Why doc? She is doing so well."
"In her pregnancy yes...but the treatment for the embolism needs to be more aggressive and her being pregnant is keeping the process from advancing."
"So what are you saying? Are you going to cut her open again? Will the baby be sick like Izzy?" I looked at Ana and she was in tears and clenching my fingers so hard that I felt like they might break off.
"She and the baby are very healthy, there shouldn't be any complications. I know that you two wanted to wait until the ninth month and I was all on board with that but if we allow the embolism to progress Santana may die in labor."
Dr. J got paged and promised to come right back after he was done seeing another patient. He had been nice enough to fill in the gaps at the hospital when he finally had Ana stable again.
Now though...we would be bringing this little girl into the world sooner than we had anticipated. When her treatment was finished Ana pulled the mask from her face and then wiped the tears from her eyes.
"What do we do, B?"
"What other choice do we have? I'm not losing you Ana...Izzy and the baby need you. I need you. If Doc is sure that the baby will be okay..then I say we do it."
"We aren't ready for her though. We have no stuff and how will we take care of her? Isaac is already living full time with Sandra...I can't put this baby on her with everything that is going on."
"We will figure it out. The most important thing right now is that we save the both of you and this is the only way. Okay?"
"Okay."
"I will be here every step of the way...just like before...okay?"
"Yea." she was barely holding it together as I ran a hand over her stomach.
"Okay...so we are going to have this baby?"
"Yes." she nodded as she laid a hand protectively around the baby bump. She laughed harshly when the baby kicked her hand.
"She agrees too...that makes me feel even better." I said as I looked into her eyes.
Ana finally smiled a little and I leaned forward to kiss her lips. She kissed me hard and when I went to pull back she put her hand on my shoulder and sucked my lip into her mouth.
It made my pulse jump to feel the passion in her return.
I hope it stayed.
Feeling that return of my own love gave me hope that we would be okay.
Dr. J came back into the room with a serious look on a face, carrying a clipboard. I wasn't used to seeing him look so angry, that just wasn't a part of his personality.
How was it even possible that he looked even more upset then when he left the room?
We both watched him as he walked over to the empty space by Ana's head and looked between us. He studied both of our faces for a second and then finally turned towards me.
"Did you talk it over?"
I went to speak, because he was addressing me and because that had become my place lately. I was becoming used to speaking for her but Ana had different plans. I opened my mouth to speak but she cleared her throat and looked up at her doctor.
"I need you to answer some questions for me first before I make any kind of decisions, ok?"
"Ok. Shoot."
"So if I don't do this and I die?" my mouth fell open hearing her ask that kind of question so bluntly.
"There's about a 20% chance of survival if you take this to term. If we do this cesarean then your survival rate jumps up to 90%."
"So when do you want to do this?"
"Later today would be best. The sooner, the better."
"Will I have time to see my family first?"
"Yes...as long as this is done today then it should be fine."
"What happens after the baby is born?"
"We rush you into a second surgery to vacuum out the embolism. It's minimally invasive."
"So two surgeries? In a row?" her eyes were wide as she looked at him in disbelief. She clutched my hand and I squeezed back firmly.
"Yes but afterwards the embolism will be gone which will give your lungs the opportunity to properly heal. You will be able to make a full recovery."
"So have the baby and no more embolism?"
"Yes."
"How soon will I be able to go home after this?"
"Another week. I want to monitor you afterwards."
"Ok. Let's do it then."
"You're sure?" he looked over at me and then back at Ana.
"Yes." we said in unison.
"Great! I'm going to go schedule the surgeries for this afternoon. In the meantime I would call the family Brittany and Santana...you should sleep. By days end you are going to be put through the ringer you need every ounce of strength you can get."
Dr. J left the room a million times happier than when he came in. I could tell that he had been really worried about what was going to happen with Ana and he was really excited that she had decided to go along with what he wanted to do. I was hoping that some of that excitement would flow into me because I was a wreck.
I was crazy nervous and was lost in my thoughts about what could happen if I lost her.
I would be devastated.
"Talk to me B."
I looked over at my wife and saw that she had been intensely watching me. Her face was creased with concern as she looked all over my face. I was tense and hunched forward. I knew that I was tearing my bottom lip to shreds.
I was freaking out inside but I had to be honest.
"I heard what you said to Ari about going to stay at the house in St. Mary's. What is going to happen with us, Ana? Are you done with me? With us?"
She sat back and rubbed her palms together before lowering a shaky hand towards me. I held her hand in mine and brought it to my lips. I looked into her eyes as pressed kisses to her knuckles hoping that she could see my sincerity in my eyes.
She swallowed hard and then blinked her eyes a few times. She was fighting tears. She took a deep breath, looked over at me again and let out all the air in her lungs. I could see the strain that it caused but she was going to ignore it. She wanted to answer me.
I appreciated that more than anything!
"I think about that more and more, each day, B. So much has happened and I just don't think that we should rush things this time around. I still want to be your wife. I still want to raise our little family together but I think that I need to get away from this city and you are tied to it now."
"So you're more than considering it? Even though I can't really leave?"
"Yes."
"We could move upstate or to Jersey even...you always hated Ohio, why go back? We can just find a place here."
"Is that what you want?"
"Of course!"
"Why?"
"Ana...we have barely been married a whole year and we have spent so much of that time away from each other. If you mean what you say about staying together then why can't we do that now, in New York, together? You can't take care of Izzy and the baby all on your own in your condition. I know that you think you can but I don't want to test that. I don't want you to have to find out how being a single parent is. I want the best for our kids and we are the best thing for them."
"So then what...you want to buy another house?"
"Close by. I want to spend every night by your side."
"Ok."
My heart sped up...did she really just agree? That was much easier than I thought it would be.
"Yea?"
"Yes...but we pick it together this time."
"I'm so excited that you agreed with me." I leaned in and kissed her lips and she kissed me back! "Get some rest. I'm going to go and call Gladys."
"Okay."
"Te Amo, Ana!"
"Te Amo...B, para siempre!"
I left the room and rushed down to the chapel and dropped down on my knees at the base of the altar. I had never felt so full of faith and joy. I was still nervous though.
"Dear baby Jesus...please please please watch over my family. Be with them through this. Amen."
After leaving the chapel, I made my way to the quietest waiting room and called my mother in law. It wasn't until she answered that I realized that it as barely five in the morning. I hoped that she in a good mood because I knew that this conversation wasn't going to do anything but make her nervous.
"Hello?" her accent broke through and I found myself smiling.
"Ma...it Brittany."
"What's wrong?" she was alert suddenly.
"Can you get the family together as soon as possible and come to the hospital? It's important."
"Is she okay? Is she dying? Oh God...tell me Brittany!"
"I have faith that she will be okay, Ma, please just come down here."
"Okay."
I knew that my mother in law would take care of calling in the sisters...I had to call Quinn and message Ari. I chose Ari first because she was easier.
Hey we hve nws. Come 2 da hosp.-Brittany
Finishing my run, I'll be there as soon as I shower.-Ari
K.-Britttany
Quinn though...she was totally different.
She could hold a grudge like no other that I had ever seen in my life.
She hadn't been answering our phone calls but this was important and I knew that she would be upset if she missed it. I was hoping that her habit of answering the phone while half asleep would work in my favor.
"Yeah?" I could tell she hadn't answered without looking, she was definitely still a creature of habit
"Don't hang up it's important." I blurted out before she could do anything like look at who was calling her at such an early hour.
"What is it, Brittany?"
"Can you come to the hospital?"
"Why, does San have something else to tell me that will break my heart?"
"Quinn please, she needs you, okay? You and Ana have been through so much, too much to let this get between you. If you want to be mad, be mad but don't leave her hanging like this. She told you the truth. She opened up to you and she really didn't have to. Puck would never had told you her part in any of it, but she couldn't keep it from you after you sat at her bedside for months. She loves you and you love her. So please?"
She was silent for a long time after I finished pleading with her, so long that I checked my screen to make sure that the call hadn't disconnected.
I hadn't.
"When?" she finally sighed out.
"The sooner the better."
When I got back to the room Ana was standing up next to the bed, with her back to me, going through a duffel bag. I stepped up behind her and rested a hand on her hip. She jumped and turned her head at me.
"What are you doing?"
She looked up at me with a serious face for a moment and then a warm smile spread over her face. I felt uneasy because this was on fht first times that she had smiled at me like that in a very long time. I didn't know how to handle the warmth that surrounded me in that moment. I just wanted to kiss her.
She scooted up towards the head of the bed and wiggled up. She seemed to have all the energy in the world at the moment and that was definitely something that I hadn't seen from her in a while. For that moment it was like the past few months had never happened. It was like I had never lost my mind.
"Come over here, B. I need to ask you something." she said as she sat cross legged and draped the blanket over her lap.
I walked to the head of the bed and rested my hip against the mattress. When I looked up I was met with happy, smiling eyes and a grin that rivaled mine in sweetness.
"Is everything alright?" I asked as I bunched the end of the blanket in my shaking hands.
She was still smiling at me as she held her hand out to me. I took it in my own and brought it to my lips. Seeing her this willing and this happy gave me confidence. I brushed my lips against her knuckles and took the time to kiss each one. She giggled and then ran her thumb along my fingers.
"Everything is more than alright. I just wanted to ask you if you wouldn't mind putting this back on me."
I was in complete shock as I looked down and saw that she was holding her wedding ring in her open, outstretched palm. I looked into her eyes and saw nothing but sincerity and excitement reflected there. "I thought that my fingers would be too swollen but it fits, I checked. That's what you caught me doing." she blushed as she pushed her hand closer to me.
I took the cool metal in my fingers, slid it onto her hand. We both had huge grins on our faces as I slipped her wedding band back into it's rightful place. It was more poignant than our wedding day. I leaned in and brushed my lips agains hers. The kiss was so full of all the passion that our relationship had originally possessed.
I felt fireworks in my body as she pressed forwards and nibbled on my bottom lip. I smiled hard as I pulled back and rested my forehead against hers. This was what I had been praying for.
I was back in my element now.
Loving Santana Lopez has been easier for me than breathing.
I was ready to embrace her.
Love her.
Forever.
I kissed her forehead and then her lips.
"I love you, Santana."
"That was awesomely sweet." I turned towards the door when I heard the cold raspy voice that broke into our private moment. I was floored by the person standing there.
I felt my jaw handing open when I recognized the drastic change in Quinn. Her dark hair was hanging in spiral curls around her face as her eyes glittered with amusement. I looked back at Ana and could see that our moment had definitely been broken because her face was twisted up in a scowl. She saw something in Quinn that I didn't see.
It was like watching her figure out a physics equation.
I stood there anxiously and watched the intensely silent interaction between the two of them. Quinn stood just inside the doorway and Ana was looking straight past me at her. I tried to pull my hand away but Ana just gripped me tighter, refusing to let me run away. She needed me there...they both needed me there.
Like always I was their buffer.
Finally, Ana had enough of the standoff. Her time today was limited and she wasn't going to waste anymore of it on this.
"I know how hard it must have been for you to come here. Thank you, Q. I really appreciate it."
"Ugh...it's just that...I...Britt's right, you didn't have to tell me anything if you didn't want to. Puck wouldn't have dimed you out. I am really happy that you did end up telling me. Better late than never, right?"
"Yes...I still feel like shit about it but I don't regret telling you." Ana said with a shrug and a smirk. She was coming back to herself and I liked it a whole lot!
Quinn finally made her way across the room and perched on the end of the bed. She looked at us with concern in her eyes.
"So are you okay, San?"
"I uh...I want to tell everyone all at once. Is that okay?"
"Yea. So...I'm the first one here then?" she said as she looked around the empty room.
"Yea. I heard about the breakup. I'm sorry." Ana said trying to make small talk but Quinn's walls shot up immediately.
"I'm not talking about that right now." Ana didn't say another word, instead she just nodded in understanding and squeezed my hand.
Quinn was barely holding it together. She looked flustered and anxious. I couldn't tell if it was everything that happened with Celia or the stuff with Beth but she was not doing well and I could see that this situation was just making her panic a bit. She was staring off at the wall and taking deep breaths when Ana leaned forward and grabbed her hand.
She nearly fell off the bed she jumped so high but she didn't take her hand back which was a good sign.
"Look Q, I can see that this is all weighing heavily on you. It's all going to be better soon. I just...I want to make things right between us before...before today is over. If anything happens to me, I want to know that you will take care of Issac. Please?" Ana said without looking at either of us to see if we were listening. She knew that she had our attention. "Can you promise me that, both of you?"
I cupped my hand over my mouth and broke down into sobs. My whole body was shaking and I couldn't control the volume of the sounds coming out of me. I was close to screaming. I didn't like hearing Ana talk like that. It broke something inside of me. I had been holding in all of these emotions and trying to be strong but now hearing her address my greatest fear, felt like she was tearing a hole into my soul.
I looked over at Quinn and could see that my tears had affected her. She looked worried now. She looked over at Ana and just nodded in agreement. She was trying to be strong but her whole demeanor had shifted.
Now she was scared.
Our moment was broken once again by a knock on the door. I couldn't make myself stop crying. I was now leaning my head on Ana's shoulder and hiding my face against her neck. No matter how much I tried, I couldn't make myself move. Everytime that I inhaled her scent the tears came out heavier.
I was a wreck.
I felt the bed dip as Quinn got up. I used the opportunity to shuffle even closer to my wife. I was leaning heavily against her and could feel the baby kicking at my side. I sighed when I felt her wrap her arms around me and then I cried even harder when she kissed the side of my face.
She was allowing me her strength and comfort.
It felt like home.
A home that I was so terrified of losing.
Precious minutes ticked by as Ana tried to soothe me but the more she tried, the more I cried. She had had enough. She rubbed hard on my back and then she shushed me a bit as I sobbed. My whole face felt like it was on fire and my tears were just making it worse.
"It's okay, B. We will be fine. All of us, I promise. I'm coming back to you. You have to be brave for me...okay?" she whispered against my ear so that only I could hear her. I nodded against her shoulder and felt the tears slow a bit. "I need you to stand up and look at me, now...okay?" she said with a bit of force.
The time for comfort had passed.
I stood up and wiped my eyes until they were dry. I could feel that there were other people in the room but they were silent and respectful. I looked at my wife and let the rest of the world disappear. Her face was laced with love and concern. She smiled just a little but then it vanished as she spoke.
I cut her off.
"I-I'm sorry." I whispered and I felt the tears begin to well up again. She gave me a stern look and I pushed the tears back. I needed to focus. Time was running out.
Focus Lopez...focus!
"Listen to me Brittany Susan Lopez, I need you to stay strong. Isaac needs you and I need you. This beautiful baby needs you. We need you to be the amazing mom and wife that you were born to be. Don't be scared okay. Be brave. You taught me that...you taught me to fight my demons...so I am going to go in there and fight. I need to know though that you are fighting just as hard for me and this family though. Nobody is going to take your kids from you, not me or anyone else. If I'm here or not, I need to know that you are taking care of things. I know you Britt Britt, you are the strongest, smartest person that I know. I love you Always! Para Siempre! Only you, Brittany, Forever. So tell me right now...tell me that you can handle this. Tell me you can be the person that we need you to be."
I didn't hesitate.
My tears had dried up.
I was a wife.
A mother.
I was strong.
I was a Lopez.
I nodded in agreement and then parted my lips not knowing what was coming out, and not caring.
"Yes. I will be everything you need me to be and more. I will be your strength. I will fight, I will pray, and I commit to doing that for the rest of our lives."
A/N: Read and Review...tell me what you think!