another sexual harassment warning, because someone is an asshole

Hold you down and tear you open
Live inside you
Love, I'd never hurt you
But I'll grind against your bones until our marrows mix
-Ludo, The Horror of Our Love

I feel sick the rest of the day. I can't eat dinner, and of course mom has something to say about it. I feel myself slipping back to Cora, and I leave the table quickly for the bathroom.

Mom doesn't have anything to say after that.

I can't focus on anything. I keep replaying what happened over and over. Chris was obviously lying. How could they not hate me? Vern has been avoiding me for years; I get bruises from the bumps Teddy gives me; and I avoid Chris and Gordie in every way I can. And considering Gordie completely ignores me during Chemistry, well, Chris clearly has no idea what he's talking about.

But I can't get the words out of my head. I can't get over the fact he came up to me and spoke to me in such a normal way, like nothing ever happened. As if I had something pissed off Teddy or did something stupid.

I struggle to fall asleep. I keep picturing them; I keep picturing Chris. It's stupid. It's been almost five years. I shouldn't have these weird feelings for him.

When I wake up, it's still dark. My heart is racing, and I'm sweating despite the coolness of the room. I think I've had a nightmare, but I can't remember. And I don't want to remember. Whatever was in my dream can stay in my dream.

"Cordelia!" mom calls much too soon. I groan and roll over. It feels like I've just fallen back asleep.

I open my eyes, and the light streaming in from the windows confirms it's time to get up. I drag myself out of bed and get ready.

I slide on my pink dress and brush my hair quickly. I pin it back and head downstairs. I don't talk while I eat, and I leave as soon as I can.

Christina is waiting for me. She starts talking as soon as I get close, and I let her talk until we're at our lockers. The others join us, and I'm so tired I can't keep up. I don't even know if they've noticed I'm not in the conversation.

I glance up, and through the girls, I see Chris. He's watching me, and I don't know how long he's been there. I wonder why he's doing this. Things were bad, but lately they seem to be getting worse.

The bell rings, and I'm grateful to head to class. I slam my locker shut. The girls quickly gather their things and I go with Ruth to homeroom.

The day goes by quickly, and by the time the bell rings for Chemistry, I feel almost normal again.

Gordie is already in his seat when I get to class. I don't know how he's getting here before me.

I sit down. I feel myself getting tense, so I guess I'm not feeling completely normal.

A few minutes later, Christina comes in and sits down. She starts digging through her folders, and I just stare at the back of her head, begging her to turn around and talk to me, just to give me something to do until the bell rings.

Gordie shifts next to me, and I tense up even more. He starts to speak, but stops when I look over at him. It's the annoyed look I give the girls when I want them to stop doing whatever they're doing. It apparently works on boys too, because Gordie stops mid-word. I look away. I don't want him to talk to me.

I shouldn't have been so stupid yesterday.

At the end of the day, I go to the bathroom and wait ten minutes before leaving. The halls are empty, as is the area around my locker. The silence is wonderful.

I gather my books and leave, walking the near empty hallways slowly.

As I leave through the front doors, I decide to take a visit to the bridge. I haven't been there in a while, and who knows, maybe I'll leave today.

I'm glad no one is waiting for me outside. I take the back way towards the heart of town.

It's like a bad movie when a hand falls on my shoulder, gripping me hard and pulling me to a jerky stop.

"Princess." I freeze at the words. My brain is screaming at me to run, but my shoes are stuck to the pavement.

Ace comes out around me. He steps close to me, too close, and I manage to back away from him, just two steps, until I hit the building behind me. It's just like my nightmares. Why can't he just leave me alone?

He smiles, and it makes my stomach turn. "I was wondering when you'd get brave," he says, his voice low, and I really don't like that. He closes the space between us. I can smell the oil and sweat on him, and my heart starts racing much faster than it ever has.

"Stop it," I tell him weakly.

"You didn't think I was going to let this go, did you?" he asks. He brings his hand up and strokes my arm. His touch sends goosebumps down my arms, and he smiles.

I try to move around him, but he blocks my path. I try to hit him, but he grabs my hands and pushes me back, and I hit the wall hard. I grit my teeth when he leans close. His nose brushes my cheek.

If I had left town weeks ago, this wouldn't be happening.

His hands tighten around mine.

"Let me go," I try to say forcefully, but it's a whimper. I try to break free, but his grip just tightens more, until it feels like my bones are grinding together.

"You don't mean that."

He takes both my hands in one of his, and I still can't break free. I try kicking at him, but he just presses himself against me. His free hand slides down to my waist, and any second I'm going to throw up. I close my eyes as my mind goes blank. I can't fight him; I'm not strong enough.

"Hey!" I hear someone shout.

I look up as Ace steps back. Gordie is right behind him; Vern and Teddy are right behind him. Chris rushes to me and pulls me away, and I plan on letting him lead me anywhere but here.

"Get out of here, Lachance," Ace warns.

"There are five of us," Teddy reminds him, and it sounds familiar. "Just make your move."

Ace shrugs. "I didn't see her trying to get away." He glances over at me, smirking, and I take a step away from him. Chris' hand is still on my arm, but it doesn't make me sick the way Ace's did.

"Don't come near me again," I tell him. My voice is shaking, and I want him gone before I cry. I want them all gone before I cry.

He takes a step towards me. Chris pulls me back further as Teddy dodges around Ace and stands between us. Gordie and Vern step up on either side of him. "We'll have to try again, princess."

I grit my teeth again. "Don't call me that, you son of a bitch."

He shrugs, like he got exactly what he wanted, and leaves. I wait until he's out of sight to let out the breath I'm holding.

"Are you okay?" Chris asks, letting go of me. "You're shaking."

I turn to him. I try to blink, but the pressure behind my eyes tells me I'm going to start crying any minute. "I've never been so scared in my whole life."

No one says anything. All I can hear my rapid breathing. I can feel my heartbeat, and I don't think it should still be so fast.

"We'll walk you home," Chris says quietly.

I take a step back without meaning to. "I'm fine." I tell him quickly. "I'm fine." I repeat.

He starts to say something, but I hitch my bag up higher on my shoulders and take off down the road. I have to get home. I can't be here anymore.

sorry, not sorry?

review reply: Sara: thank you so much! I hope you continue enjoying these chapters