Ok the internet at my house stopped working, seriously no lie! It's been so frustrating! Anyways here's this chapter, I hope you guys like it!
So thanks to everyone who keeps alerting and such! You guys really keep me going! Ps i'm so behind getting people on this list, i'm so sorry!
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"I know you, Naomi! I know you're lonely.
I think you need someone to want you...
Well, I do want you.
So, be brave and want me back"
Skins
As I stood in front of the small house in the rainy town of Forks, Washington, an overwhelming sense of sadness crept upon me. Maybe as Katerina Petrova I could have turned it off, refused to acknowledge the truth of my situation; the reality of my feelings, but being Svetlana was different. Katerina was a coward, a person doing only what was in the best interest of herself, but I'm not that person anymore, and I am no longer a coward. Charlie deserved to know the truth; I owed him that much. He believed me to be his only daughter and I let him suffer. Everyone thought I was dead, and in a sense Isabella Swan was dead; she would never return again.
Swallowing a lump in my throat, I slowly opened the door. The scent of his blood rushed to my senses. His steady heartbeat meant he was either asleep or zoned out. Cautiously walking through the hallway, the sound of his blood pumping roared in my ears the closer I got. Soon I realized he was in the kitchen. The smell of beer and whiskey polluted the air. It was no surprise knowing Charlie would drink himself to death. I was the only thing he thought he had left and even I slipped away.
As I walked into the kitchen my heart broke as I took the sight in front of me. There was Charlie staring absentmindedly at the window holding a shot glass. His eyes were rimmed red, with dark circles underneath, the tell signs of sleep deprivation. His skin was sallow, as if the color were drained out. Beer bottles littered the floor and cabinet tops along with opened bottles of whiskey. He was becoming an alcoholic if he hadn't already.
Look at what you've done. You did this to him. You were everything to him and you've ruined him. You ruin everything you touch.
I stood there disgusted with myself. The thoughts were harsh, but unfortunately true. My pain and anger caused me to lash out, destroy everything around me. I thought if I made the world burn, somehow it would take away my pain. All it did was dig the hole for my own grave I deserved so valiantly. I was selfish, cold-hearted and I blamed my mistakes on others, my poor choices on the world. But I woke up, I awoken and realized what I had done and it was only I who could fix it.
And I would fix it.
"Charlie," I whisper just loud enough to gain his attention.
Slowly he turns to me, his eyes even redder than they first appeared. He did not respond the way I imagined, he didn't smile as relief flooded through his eyes and smother me with his hugs. No, he simply stared and then to my surprise he laughed, but no life was shining through those eyes. It was a bitter laugh.
"I drink to stop the images running through my head, to get you out of my mind," he began. "But all the alcohol does is this, and now you are no longer just images and memories but delusions. And yet I keep wondering when I'll stop seeing you." He finished with a bitter smile.
It didn't surprise me that he refused to believe I was really there, he was drinking and depressed. But what pierced through me was his honesty. Just how many times did he walk into a room seeing me, believing I was real but only in the end the product of his drunken stupor.
Taking a small step forward, I carefully eased closer to him.
"Charlie listen to me, this isn't one of your delusions; I'm real" I stated. "Touch me, I'm real."
He simply laughed again before taking another sip of his drink.
"Do you know how many times I've heard you say that? I'm real, believe me!" he mocked. "But in the end I close my eyes and you just disappear." He finished looking coldly at me.
I swallowed down tears, feeling sorry for myself wouldn't solve anything. I deserved this, deserved his anger and hatred. What was I thinking? Even as Isabella I didn't have one decent thought of calling him! I just let him think the worst; let him think I was dead.
"So I'm closing my eyes now, and when I open them you'll be no different from the rest. You'll just be gone," he stated before closing his eyes.
Maybe leaving was for the best, I mean this man had suffered enough. But I couldn't just run away, that was Katerina's way, and I was Svetlana. I face my problems, not run from them. So I stood there patiently waiting for him to open his eyes. Then ever so slowly, he opened them. Suddenly recognition flooded through him and shock settled in his features.
"Bells," he choked out.
Slowly I nodded, this time not bothering to stop the tears from falling. Making my way to where he was, I sat on my knees at his feet. His eyes were still shining wide with shock, and I just sat there with my hands on his knees.
"Forgive me, for everything I've done" I whispered hoarsely. "You are such an amazing person, someone who doesn't deserve what I'm about to do." I continued as I looked up to his face.
He just simply stared at me.
"You came back, you're really here" he said.
I just nodded before getting up and putting both of my hands on either side of his face. What I was about to tell him would change everything. Everything he knew was about to blown away. His whole world would be upside down.
"I loved you, still do," I stated firmly. "And you need to know this, because it's the truth." I continued.
Suddenly he stands up and wraps his arms around me, surprising me. His embrace is tight, and I hear him sobbing violently. His hands shook uncontrollably while he kept me this way.
"Oh my god Bells, I thought you were dead," he said. "I thought I would never see you again."
He said while crying still.
Suddenly I realized I needed to stop this before he hurt himself even more. Untangling my hands and arms from him, I cradled his face in my hands. Looking at him straight in the eyes, I cried for a moment before getting a hold of myself.
"I release you," I said. "You are free," I finished.
His eyes then slowly filled with true recognition.
"I thought," he faltered. "How?"
His expression drove the stake through my heart. This was the reality of my life. The blurred lines of the life I wanted and the life I really had.
"It wasn't real Charlie," I state slowly.
But setting him free wasn't enough. Soon I take away his pain; he didn't need to know anyways. There was nothing left for him in his memories of me. While I would never stop loving him, as a child loves their parent, he deserved a better life than this.
And I would give it to him.
"God forgive me," I state before looking right back into his eyes. "Forget you knew me; forget me as if I never existed. Bella Swan was never real." I finished softly.
Then I took a step back and ran from the house. I didn't even wait to see his response. As I ran to the woods, I collapsed to the ground. Grief ran deeply through my veins. I hated this. He was more a father to me than my own father was and he wasn't even real. Every thought and feeling had been compelled. I would forever be haunted by his memory; the trace of him would be in my skin forever. Now he doesn't even know I exist.
And maybe I don't anymore.
Maybe all I am is a shadow of who I once was.
Maybe that's all I'll ever be.
…
I found myself standing in the middle of HIS room, Edward's. It was strange; I hadn't been anywhere near here since the Cullen's left Forks. As I walk closer to the huge windows, I softly drag my fingertips across the plastered walls. The room looks exactly the same as it did before, except all his music was gone. Being here played fresh memories of the time he and I spent together. He was everything to me; my whole life was centered around him. But somewhere inside of all that love, was pain, the pain of knowing I would never be enough.
I should have known the moment he said he didn't want me changed to know it was over. He was a vampire and I was a human, the two don't mix well. In all honesty I was just lucky to be alive; being his sire put me in serious danger every time he was in close proximity. But to some extent I knew he loved me, regardless how it was doomed to never work out. He was my first true heartbreak, the one where you feel as if your life is over, as if it no longer has meaning. I remember seeing Sonja and Lucian together, and hoping one day I would have what they did; a love so strong it lasted through death. Lucian never moved on, and Sonja went to her grave loving him.
The image of her ashen corpse, tied to that wooden stake overwhelmed me. The whole scene of Lucian screaming helplessly pulling against the chains as he watched her and their unborn child burn would never be erased from my mind. His cries still haunted me to this day. Viktor, the bastard who would condemn his own daughter to death for falling in love, was very close to Aro. No doubt the two were currently working together to end the reign of my father, Markus.
As I reached the window Edward's piano stood in the corner of my eye. Funny he left that here. Piano was his life, a means of escaping his mundane reality or guilt. Walking over to it, a sudden scent washed over me.
A vampire scent.
In a split second, I had turned around and had the intruder pinned to the wall. Suddenly piercing blue eyes stared straight into my own. Damon. Despite the increasing pressure I've applied to his neck he still has enough strength to mouth off.
"Still can't keep your hands off me I see," he says with a smirk.
Typical.
I then roughly let him go and watch him double over coughing, practically hacking. How the hell did he get here? Or better yet why? What was Forks to him anyways? Certainly not for nostalgia reasons.
"Why are you here." I ask harshly.
He then leans up and I see the infection has spread more. He looked like he'd been run over by a semi. Twice.
"What, still not over Mr. Sparkles yet?" He mocked weakly.
Prick.
"Damon I'm serious what are you doing here?" I say ignoring his jibe.
He just chuckled at me and continues to look around Edward's room. Ignoring me, he walks over to the shelf where the remaining music sat. He scoffs and takes out a cd before showing it to me.
"Claire de Lune, really?" He asks with that damn arrogant smirk on his face.
Suddenly my anger snaps momentarily, and I run over there, jerking the cd away from him.
"You're really annoying the hell out of me," I seethe out.
He then looks at me darkly, his blue eyes darkening a shade.
"Well you practically drug me through hell, so I guess we're even." He says.
Silence envelops us at his statement as it hangs in the air. He's right of course; I did take him to hell and back, even gloated about it to his face. What I've done to him won't just disappear, I've dug this hole myself and now I'm paying for it.
"What do you want Damon," finally ask tiredly.
Because honestly, I'm so tired, tired of all these games we play. I'm tired of hurting him and being hurt, I don't even have the energy to hurt him back.
He just eyes me for a moment, not expecting my reply.
"Why Katherine," he asks. "Svetlana, I mean who are you anyways?" He finishes agitatedly.
Funny, because I'm not sure who I am anymore, too many memories, too much that's been muddled up and fucked up to know anymore.
"Both," I reply first. "I am first and foremost Svetlana, but that doesn't change anything. I'm still responsible for all my choices, despite who I thought I was." I finish.
I don't even look at him, afraid of what I'll find when I do.
"Why," he asks again.
It's a loaded question and he knows it. Why do all that in 1864, play him so worthlessly. He's my mate and I ruined him. So why did I make a choice that was never mine to make? Because I played God that's why, thinking I knew what was best for him when indeed I didn't.
So it was time to tell the truth, all of it.
"I was running when I came to Mystic Falls. When I met your brother, I thought he would be something to do, a means of staying free from boredom." I began before slowly looking up and into his eyes. "But then something happened, I met you. You were so much bigger than my plans for a temporary holiday. You were my mate, and suddenly everything changed." I continued before dropping my gaze and walking back towards the window. "I was so stupid, stupid and selfish to make a decision that was only yours to make." I said before turning towards him again. "Because truth be told Damon, underneath all that arrogance, and larger than life attitude, I was lonely, lonely and miserable being stuck in a lifestyle that I chose out of fear, not want."
He simply stared at me, his expression completely unreadable.
"Being Isabella I thought Edward was it for me, but being with him was never satisfying- I was always left with wanting more, wanting something that I didn't even know of." I continued as I walked up slowly to him.
As I reached him, I resisted the urge to touch his face.
The pain of his hatred taught me more about love than I had ever learned in my whole existence. To learn to let go.
"I love you, I've always loved you" I said. "There, now I've said it, and it's not just something to be hoped for or questioned. Now you know." I say with a weak smile.
He closed his eyes tightly, his whole body shaking with strong emotion. It was a lot to take in, after so many years of hurting each other; we had come down to this single moment, this single defining moment and who we were going to be.
"But I'll leave you alone, if you want" I say and suddenly he opens his eyes. "Is that what you want?"
Suddenly tears start falling down my cheeks, hot tears that I can no longer keep at bay. Pandora's Box has officially been opened and I'm reeling from the affects. His eyes peer into mine with such an intensity that I've never seen, not even when I claimed wanting me dead.
Without warning, he roughly grabs my face and backs me into a wall.
"No more games," he says leaning in close to my face. "Because I'm sick and tired of it all."
My breathing comes out hard and swift. Because this is the moment that he's decided to stop making me pay, to give me the second chance I don't deserve.
"No more games," whisper before kissing him roughly.
His mouth is the sweetest taste of heaven there is, and for once our kiss is not done out of pain and anger, but out of surrender. As I open my mouth and feel his tongue slip in, suddenly he pulls back and collapses on the floor.
"Damon!" I scream.
His eyes glaze over and somehow I know he's mentally not here.
"I choose you Katherine," he says deliriously. "Katherine," he keeps saying over and over again.
Cradling him in my arms, a new powerful emotion consumes my whole being.
Something stronger than pain.
Stronger than hate.
Its fear.
And the images of Carlisle's mate rotting with delusions and bloolust come crashing down.
It's like I've already lost him.
So, whatcha think?