CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
FINE ALL THE TIME

Summer in London is filled with extremely cramped public transport, tourists from every corner of the world, traffic jams, horrible heat conditions and sudden, completely random bouts of rainfall. It's fast paced, the work never stops and Pearl barely sees anything besides her hotel room or a conference room or an office at the company they're trying to buy as Gary turns out to be quite a demanding boss, or to put it more accurately, a complete slave driver—in the nicest possible way—but it's perfect. Because it's not New York. Because Gary, demanding as he may be, is actually a great guy. He expects a lot from her and she tries her best not to disappoint, spending her nights reading up so she'll be better prepared, but he's never mean or impatient. Because Pearl is too busy to think about anything besides corporate law and the many lovely things that it entails. Because she's too tired to even think about thinking about something else.

"So, what made you leave New York?" Gary asks one day as they're having lunch in a nice little pub near the Paddington train station. It's weird, because they barely ever talk about anything beyond work and the minute they do, he manages to choose the subject she'd least like to talk about.

Pearl pokes at her salad and avoids his eyes. She shrugs. "I just needed a change."

He seems satisfied with the answer and moves right along. "So, did you call Donaldson?"

Just as Pearl learns to effectively navigate London and finds a great pub near their hotel, over a month has passed and they move on after miserably failing at the task at hand. She spends the fourth of July in a TGI Friday's in Stockholm, because it seems to be the most American thing there besides her and Gary, with a local lawyer named Linus, who insists on taking her out even though she's only in town for two weeks and isn't even remotely interested. She only agrees to it, because saying no might be bad for business. Linus is tall and lanky, but he has a nice smile and curly hair and a lovely Scandinavian accent that makes him sound funnier than he actually is. Pearl wears a nice, knee-length pencil dress and a very appropriate blazer in an effort to show him that it's not really a date and more of a work thing between two colleagues, but it doesn't seem to work, because he still acts like they're on a date.

"This is like home, yes?" Linus asks as they enjoy their mediocre burgers and their room temperature cokes along with their completely shallow 'tell me about your family, did you always want to go into law, what's your favorite color' type conversation that people have on bad first dates.

"Yes, absolutely," Pearl says with a forced smile.

She nods along as Linus blabs on and on about his life and maybe it's a language thing or maybe it's the fact that she's barely listening, but he seems to be kind of full of himself and he doesn't even really seem to care that she's not listening, so she keeps nodding and throwing in a fake laugh here and there until it's over.

Linus kisses Pearl outside her hotel and for some reason she lets him. She realizes it might send the wrong message, but it just happens really abruptly when she's in the middle of saying good night. The kiss is not good by any standards. He opens his mouth so wide she feels like he's trying to eat her and his bottom teeth bump her jaw. She lets him come up to her room, because he really wants to escort her all the way and her polite way of declining doesn't seem to get through to him. Before she knows it, they're on an elevator heading up.

Pearl stands by the door as he walks straight past her into her hotel room like he owns it and heads for the minibar.

"Do you want a drink?" he asks, already pulling out tiny liquor bottles.

She stares at him, wondering how exactly she ended up with this jerk in her room. "Those are ridiculously expensive."

"So?"

"I have to pay for them."

She doesn't, actually, but he doesn't know that and she thinks it's quite rude to just go digging around someone else's minibar, even if he did rightfully assume Stark Industries was footing the bill.

"Okay, I'm sorry. No drinks." Linus moves over to sit on Pearl's bed. He pats the space next to him. "Come here. Relax."

Pearl stares at him, again, wondering what the hell prompted him to do that. Was it her librarian like outfit or the fact that she told him, politely, not to bother coming up? Was it the permanently annoyed expression she's had on her face since the elevator?

"I'm going to go freshen up," she says and excuses herself to the bathroom. Checking over her shoulder one last time, she sees Linus leaning back on his elbows, inching his way further up on the bed.

Pearl stands by her sink with her hands grabbing the edge of the counter, staring at herself in the mirror. She looks fine, sort of. The professional outfit makes her look about ten years older, especially with her hair slicked back into a bun, and the bags under her eyes are really begging for some fancy eye cream or better yet, sleep, but other than that, she looks mostly the same as before. The world around her is the same, unchanged.

Except it's not, because nothing's the same. The whole situation feels unreal. She's fine. She's working. It hasn't even been two months since Bucky's disappearing act and she's barely thought about him. Steve's been texting, and she's been sending back one worded replies, like she doesn't care, when in reality she just can't deal with it. She can barely bring herself to read them. And this is what she wanted. She wanted to leave. She wanted to not think about it. She wanted to keep going, because breaking down was not an option. Because he'd be back, eventually. Because leaving would be easier than staying.

So, if this is what she wanted, why is she standing there, in a bathroom at the third fanciest hotel in Stockholm with a guy in the other room, clutching the edge of that freaking marble counter and staring at herself in the mirror, wondering why Bucky isn't back yet? Why is she standing there, unable to control the tears that start rolling down her cheeks? She blinks, making her mascara smudge. She blinks again and a tear runs down the edge of her nose, drawing a black line down to her lip. It tastes salty.

Pearl loosens her grip, eventually dropping her arms altogether. Her legs feel like they're about to give out at the knees, so she sits down, hiking up her dress, since it's basically impossible to sit on the floor in. She uses the sleeve of her appropriate blazer to wipe away some of the tears, but the effort is futile as they just keep coming. So, she sits there, on a damn comfortable bathroom mat, and lets the tears come. She's pretty sure Linus can hear the sobbing sound, especially since he keeps turning up the volume on the television, that he decided now would be an appropriate time to start watching, but it doesn't matter.

She reaches up on the counter to pull down the phone (since fancy hotels apparently have a phone in the bathroom, possibly for situations much like this one) and dials Steve's number.

It doesn't take him long to pick up. "Hello?"

"Hi. It's me."

Pearl falls silent. She takes deep breaths, as if to hide her crying and shaky voice from Steve.

"Are you okay?" he asks after a short while.

For a split second, Pearl regrets calling and tries to think of a quick way out. She could just tell him she's fine and then ask if she accidentally left her hairbrush at the compound or she could pretend like she's drunk and just started calling people to wish them a happy fourth of July. She decides to ignore her instinct and follow whatever crazy part of her brain made her pick up the phone in the first place.

"Not really," she says.

"Can I help?"

Pearl hesitates. "Not really. I've been sitting on the floor of my bathroom for half an hour now and there's a guy in my room and he just won't leave."

Okay, that's problem number one.

"Just kick him out."

"I thought he'd get the hint by now. I'm pretty sure he can hear me crying."

And that's problem number two.

"Why are you crying?" Steve asks. Pearl doesn't know what to say. "Pearl?"

"I don't know!" she says, exasperated. "I'm not that girl, you know. I'm not the girl who just falls apart when things go wrong, so I don't even know. I didn't cry when he left, so why am I crying now?"

It seems stupid to ask him, because how would he know, but maybe he does. After all, he lost Bucky, too.

Pearl can hear Steve breathing.

"Because you're sad. You're allowed to be sad," he says. "Nobody expects you to be fine all the time."

Pearl can feel the tears coming again. She sobs into the phone and listens to Steve's breathing, again. It's strangely soothing. He doesn't say anything, but he's there.

"Where are you?" he finally asks as she slowly stops nearly hyperventilating and finds a normal rhythm of breathing.

She runs her hand through her hair, ripping out the elastic holding it in a bun. "A hotel in Stockholm."

"And why is there a guy in your room?"

Pearl sighs. "Because he wants to have sex with me."

"What?"

"Yeah, I don't really know what happened. I should just go tell him to get out."

Pearl knows that's what she should do, but what she wants to do is lean on the bathroom cabinet with her legs sprawled over the comfortable rug and maybe have room service bring her a bottle of wine and some cheesecake. She wonders how long she'd have to wait until Linus would finally get the message and leave.

Steve clears his throat in the most awkward way. "Were you planning on... with him?"

"No, Steve, I was not. I'm not that girl, either," Pearl says, mentally rolling her eyes at the fact that he can't even say it. He clears his throat, again, making her laugh.

On Halloween, Pearl Skypes with her nieces and nephews from Amsterdam while Penny gets them all ready to go trick or treating. Jack shows off his cardboard Iron Man costume while Olivia jumps around with a bow and arrow and a braid in her hair, yelling out 'I volunteer as tribute!' every once in a while. Grace prances around dressed as Elsa from Frozen, because apparently that's still a thing, tugging along her younger brother. Zachary does make the most adorable little snowman, though he doesn't really seem to care. He looks just as happy in his regular clothes as he does in costume. The newest additions to Penny's family, now four months old, sleep in the background, occasionally making baby noises.

"How are the twins?" Pearl asks, hoping Penny won't try to guilt her about not seeing them in person yet or about missing their baptism. She does feel bad about those things, at least kind of. They're just babies and while babies are cute and cuddly, they're basically all the same.

Penny smiles, like all mothers do when asked about their children. "They're doing good. Luke wakes up four times a night and he wakes Leah up, too, but other than that, they're perfect."

Pearl thinks it was a real missed opportunity, not naming them Luke and Leia, but she doesn't dare say it. She just smiles.

Jack pops up in front of the camera. "Auntie Pearl, when are you coming home?"

"I'll try to come see you as soon as I can," Pearl says and can't help but laugh at the round LED push light he's got stuck to his chest. It almost looks like the real thing.

"Okay," he says. "When you do, can you please bring uncle Bucky?"

"Uncle Bucky?" Pearl asks, looking at Penny, who gives an apologetic look. Of course the children don't know anything. Why would they?

"He was fun," Jack says with a toothy grin.

"He let me touch his arm," Olivia calls out from the background.

"He let me ride piggyback!" Grace pipes up.

Pearl tries her best to smile, knowing Penny won't buy it but the kids probably will. They quickly move onto showing her their Halloween crafts. After the call is over, Pearl cries again. This time she doesn't call Steve.

Over Christmas, Pearl stays in Berlin while Gary flies back to the States to visit relatives, and for some totally unknown and mysterious reason, Tony joins her, saying he's there to take part in the negotiations of the acquisition they're planning of a tiny tech start-up.

"We don't start until next week," Pearl says, because she doesn't really know where to start as the situation is completely new.

Tony's never there for these things. He occasionally flies in for an hour or two and in September, he spent a whole day arguing about the applications of his sustainable energy project on space travel with a guy he was buying—as he so lovingly referred to it when in reality, he just bought the guy's company, which just happened to be a one man operation—but more often than not he's not around, because he's not needed. He trusts Gary and, by extension, Pearl.

"I thought I'd get a head start," Tony replies. Pearl doesn't push it, because he's her boss and he's allowed to do whatever the hell he wants.

They spend Christmas Eve sorting out paper work, reviewing patent files, rental agreements and employee contracts. Or more accurately speaking, Pearl does all of that, while Tony spins around on a chair in her hotel room and posts his every thought on Twitter. They order room service and buy cheap wine from the nearest grocery store.

The sound of Pearl's Christmas themed ring tone interrupts her process of stuffing her face with fries with one hand and correcting Gary's spelling mistakes with the other. She reaches across her bed to grab her bag, only to dig out her phone and realize it's mom, again. She silences the phone, not really in the mood to be told the same thing as yesterday, the day before that and last week. The whole 'come home, Christmas is about family, you still haven't seen Penny's twins, we're going to Church and everything, it would be really good for you' spiel is getting really old.

Pearl gets up and walks over to the window, glass of wine in hand and looks out at the snow covered city. She sighs.

"I lied to my mom about having to work through the holidays," she says, as she's suddenly in a sharing mood. Must be the wine.

Tony looks up from his phone. "Really?"

"Yeah. She didn't buy it."

"Are you guys fighting?" he asks.

"No," Pearl says. She's currently fine with everyone except Patrick, who still hasn't apologized for acting like the biggest dickhead in the history of dickheads. She walks over and sits on the chair next to his. "I'm just not really in a family mood."

Tony nods understandingly.

"So, why are you in Berlin with me and not in New York with Pepper?" she asks, looking into his eyes, hoping the wine has gotten him in a sharing mood as well.

He doesn't seem thrown off by the question, but he takes a moment before answering, looking down and running his finger across the rim of his glass.

"That's not really a thing anymore," he says.

"I'm sorry."

He looks up, a strained smile appearing on his face. "Nothing to be sorry about, kid. Things end."

He looks right over her shoulder, focusing on the falling snow. Pearl grabs the unfinished bottle of wine from the table and pours them both a refill.

"So, I'm seriously the best option you had? You could've gone anywhere," Pearl says, trying to lighten the mood, though it was never that cheery to begin with.

His fake smile seems to turn into a real one. "I think you underestimate how much I actually enjoy your company."

Apparently the wine really did get him in a sharing mood.

"Or you just haven't told anyone about your break up because you don't want their pity," Pearl says.

"Could be," he says, nodding. "Maybe I just want to get wasted and it's much less pathetic if I'm not alone."

Pearl tips her glass in his direction. "I'll drink to that."

They sit in silence for a while as Pearl looks over her shoulder at snowflakes gently falling outside the window. The faint sound of her phone vibrating on the bed breaks up the silence, but Pearl doesn't bother getting up to check it, because it's either Mom or Gary, the workaholic.

Tony clears his throat. "Speaking of being alone..."

Pearl turns her head to look at him. She smiles. It's so sweet of him to worry. Unnecessary, yet sweet.

"I'm fine," she says.

He raises an eyebrow. "You say that a lot."

"Yeah, and every time I'm lying a little less," Pearl says, still smiling.

He accepts her answer with a nod and she goes back to watching the snowflakes. There's something oddly calming about them, kind of like a visual reminder that life goes on, seasons change, snow falls, snow melts and so on. Pearl's not exactly sure why, but the sight of the falling snow makes her feel better about moving on. It could just be the wine making her crazy, but she relates to those snowflakes. They fall, because that's what they do, and she keeps going, because that's what she's always done.

Tony stays in Berlin for New Year's, too. They go to a big celebration at Brandenburg gate; the massive crowd makes Pearl miss New York for the first time. He kisses her when the clock turns midnight and she lets him. It doesn't mean anything, it's just a drunken New Year's thing, but even so, it's nice and definitely better than that kiss with Linus in Stockholm. Somehow, it makes her feel less alone in the world. The next day, he flies back to the States.

She doesn't see him again until February.