Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.
A/N: Here it is. The final part. I hope you enjoy this.
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Part Six: AVTT- Alien Versus Time-traveler:
After a trip to the restroom to clean themselves up, Haruhi and Kyon were back in the hall way leaning against the wall with Itsuki . They had propped up the comatose Taniguchi on the costume pile after making sure that he would be okay. He probably wouldn't remember much, but that stupid look on his face told them otherwise. Kyon looked over at his Brigade Chief. Since Haruhi didn't have a spare skirt to wear, Itsuki being the gentleman-suck-up that he is, offered to give Haruhi his blazer to wear around her waist. Kyon wasn't so fortunate...
"Why do I have wear this in the first place?"
"Because Kyon, that was the only manly costume we had lying around."
"Why, oh why, would we ever need a kilt?"
"Ya never know when the opportunity may arise!"
Kyon groaned and started to smooth out his plaid garment. It was noticeably chilly. Itsuki gave Kyon a big, Pixie-stick smile and walked up to him.
"Don't be sad, Kyon. I think that kilt looks quite dashing on you! It really shows off your legs."
Kyon backed very FAR away from Itsuki. Suddenly, Haruhi stepped away from the wall and looked around. She put a hand to her ear.
"Guys! I hear something! It sounds like yelling! Something's headed this way!"
Kyon suddenly looked very ill. Itsuki went to the middle of the hall and got down on his knees. And as if to confuse the goddess and errand-boy even further, he placed his head on the floor so that his ear was against it.
Kyon facepalmed for the umpteenth time that day. "Koizumi.... what the hell are you doing?"
"Shhh!" shushed Itsuki. "I'm trying to judge how far away the object Miss Suzumiya heard is. By lying on the ground like this, I'll be able to sense the vibrations and make an accurate estimate of how close whatever is coming is getting."
What a genius! thought Haruhi.
What an idiot... thought Kyon.
Suddenly, from around the corner in the hall, a Jell-O-covered Mikuru appeared and began rushing towards them. She was obviously out of breath, but continued to run nonetheless, like an asthmatic racehorse. Kyon spotted her and so did Haruhi. Both of them gaped in surprise. Itsuki was facing the other way, so he couldn't see her. Haruhi saw that at the rate that Mikuru was rushing, she would probably crash right into her second in command.
"Koizumi! Get up!" shouted Haruhi.
Itsuki held up his finger. "Wait a minute, Miss Suzumiya. I hear something... it's getting closer. Very close now. I can feel it."
Kyon watched in amazement as Mikuru continued to run towards Itsuki, and instead of smashing into the esper, she leapt over his entire body, like a gazelle. She then performed a half-turn and darted into the clubroom. Haruhi and Kyon were speechless.
"Was that Miss Asahina?" asked a clueless Itsuki.
A second later, Yuki rushed into the corridor and made a beeline for them. The Humanoid Interface's face was glistening with sweat and dried blood. If Mikuru was a racehorse, then Yuki was a cheetah with a hernia. She was running so fast that Kyon and Haruhi couldn't hear her footsteps. Neither could Itsuki.
"GET OUT OF THE WAY, KOIZUMI!!!" hollered Kyon.
"Why?" asked Itsuki finally picking himself off the ground. Yuki's right foot smashed into the exact same spot where his head had been a moment ago. The alien passed them all and flew into the clubroom.
Itsuki blinked a few times before beaming. "Hey, I was right! Nagato and Miss Asahina were coming! Now we can talk to them and settle this whole thi- Kyon? Miss Suzumiya?"
Kyon and Haruhi hadn't exactly heard him. They'd fainted dead away.
***
Once inside the room Yuki took a moment to catch her breath.
That damned maid had made an entire lap around the whole school. Yuki had chased Mikuru up and down several stairways, through the many halls, across the track field, through the auditorium, past the teacher's lounge, and back to the clubroom. She wasn't used to this strenuous activity; it was taking a toll on her body and she still hadn't healed herself from her earlier mishaps. Even she had her limits. But deep down Yuki knew that Mikuru wasn't faring better either. That accident in the lunchroom and the constant running had probably sobered her up somewhat. And without alcohol in her veins, Mikuru wasn't much of a threat. Scanning the room, Yuki saw that it was empty. She knew that Mikuru was probably lurking in here somewhere. She took a step into the room...
A second step...
A third step...
A four-
Click.
The door locked behind her.
"YAAAAAAAHHHHH!"
Yuki spun around and held up her arm like a shield and allowed it to absorb the blow. Mikuru had been hiding behind the door and armed herself with a pointer stick from the black board in the room. Mikuru recoiled from the shock of having her attack deflected. She held the stick like a sword.
"En guarde!" she proclaimed.
Yuki just stared at Mikuru like she had an extra pair of arms. With a cry of fury, Mikuru jabbed a few times at Yuki's face and body with her pointer stick. Yuki weaved and bobbed out of the way each time. It was during the eighth swing, that Mikuru propped herself up against the blackboard to rest.
"You're getting sluggish aren't you, Mikuru? Running out of booze, hmmmmm? And even if you were still drunk, that twig won't help you," Yuki taunted.
Mikuru growled. "Oh, shut up! That's one thing I'm sick of! You talk like you think you're better than me! Eat this!"
Then she thrust the stick into Yuki's belly. The Humanoid Interface grunted and knelt to the floor. Mikuru couldn't believe her eyes. Had she found Yuki's weak spot? When she didn't back up, Mikuru stepped a little closer.
"Ummmm.... Are you okay?" the time-traveler asked.
"I haven't healed myself since we started fighting. Even though my physical prowess is above that of a normal human being's, I'm not invincible. My body can only take so much..." Yuki said weakly.
Heart riddled with guilt, Mikuru reached forward to help Yuki to her feet. This had gone on for far too long.
"I'm sorry, Yuki!" Mikuru squeaked. "Don't worry about anything! I've learned my lesson for today!"
Yuki glanced up and saw Mikuru's outstretched hand. She smiled and took it. Mikuru smiled back.
Then Mikuru saw the gleam in Yuki's eye.
Yuki's foot lashed out like a snake at Mikuru's ankles. And once again, the time-traveler was lying on floor on her stomach. She glared up at the now standing Yuki.
"What the hell, Yuki! I told you I learned my lesson!"
"Actually, you didn't. The lesson for today is this: Never let your guard down around an intellectually superior opponent."
"Enough with the big words!"
Angry at herself for being so gullible, Mikuru lunged at Yuki from her position on the floor. She was trying to grab Yuki's hands so she could get her on the floor, but Yuki anticipated the maneuver and took a step back. Unfortunately, Mikuru was a bit faster and grabbed something.
That something wasn't Yuki's hands.
Pulling herself up off the floor, Mikuru rubbed her aching shoulder. Then she noticed the semi-blushing face of Yuki and the stare she was giving her. It was like a mixture between astonishment and anger. Mikuru followed Yuki's eyes and saw that they weren't trained on her, but on Mikuru's hands. Mikuru looked down at what she was holding and almost did a double take.
It was Yuki's skirt.
Oh crap... thought Mikuru.
".......................... DIE!!!" screeched Yuki, swooping down on Mikuru, like an avenging angel clad in white and blue-striped panties. Mikuru fell under Yuki's weight and ended up on her back with Yuki on top of her. This seemed to be happening a lot lately. The alien was obviously not taking the fact that she was just pantsed very well and began to throttle Mikuru. Not one to take things lying down (most of the time anyways), Mikuru squirmed out of Yuki's grip for a moment and delivered a powerful kick to her abdomen with both feet. Yuki went flying back, but when Mikuru had kicked her, she failed to notice that Yuki had grabbed the blouse of Mikuru's maid outfit in the struggle...
Riiiiiiiiiiip...
And it was now being held in her hands. Yuki stared at the torn piece of clothing like it was a newly discovered organism. Yuki glanced at Mikuru, who was trying to desperately find something to cover up her exposed skin and frilly, purple bra. Haruhi would have fit when she found out that her favorite outfit of Mikuru's was ruined. Upon not finding anything, Mikuru crossed her arms over her large chest and cast a malicious look at Yuki.
"I can't believe you did that!"
"It was an accident... And you did it first!"
"Now that WAS an accident! You moved way too fast, you liar!"
"Better to be a liar than a temptress!"
"I'LL END YOU, BOOKWORM!!!"
"BRING IT ON, MOEBLOB!!!"
And the two charged at each other and began their fight once more. Mikuru knew that Yuki was weakening, so she put her weight into her shoulder and rammed Yuki. The alien was caught off-guard and went down to the floor in an instant, like an opera singer at closing time. Mikuru then body-slammed Yuki and began started to bang her head on the ground, only to be stopped halfway when Yuki's fingers wrapped around her throat. Gasping for breath, Mikuru sat up and was instantly bashed in the cheek by Yuki's forehead. The two girls rolled around the floor of the clubroom, each of them trying to gain an advantage over the other, but unable to succeed. They were even matched. At one point, they almost crushed Yuki's headphones on the floor and Mikuru's bag which contained Muu-chan. Both items were spared. It seemed that Yuki and Mikuru would continue their fight until the sun set and school closed. They probably would have kept fighting forever, until the clubroom door swung open.
"I FOUND YOU, TWO!!!" snarled a voice dripping with hate.
Yuki stopped biting Mikuru's left arm and Mikuru stopped giving Yuki a noogie. The two half-naked girls froze on the spot and looked at the room's new occupant.
"Tsuruya?" said a dumbfounded Mikuru.
Tsuruya stood at the door's threshold, mouth set in a savage sneer. Her school uniform was caked with lime Jell-O and whipped cream, her forehead had salad dressing and a piece of lettuce on it, and she was clutching something in her hands. Her eyes burned with rage and hunger.
"Are you okay, Tsuruya?" asked Mikuru, who was trying not to lose control of her bowels. Beside her, Yuki released her hold on Mikuru's arm and stared at Tsuruya. She sensed something VERY wrong with the green-haired girl. Tsuruya stepped into the room, breathing heavily, and gritting her teeth.
Has her fang always been that sharp?, Yuki thought to herself, scooting away from Tsuruya from her place on the floor. Beside her, Mikuru mimicked her action. She felt very uncomfortable.
"Am I okay? AM I OKAY?!" yelled Tsuruya. "OF COURSE I'M NOT OKAY!!! I WAS JUST MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS, WHEN YOU TWO BURST IN AND RUINED MY LUNCH!!! I HAVEN'T EATEN ANYTHING SINCE BREAKFAST!!! I'M STARVING!!!"
Mikuru and Yuki backed further away from Tsuruya. Yuki then noticed that Mikuru was now clinging to her like velcro. She didn't blame her.
Tsuruya continued her insanity- induced rant. "I CAN FORGET THE JELL-O AND THE SALAD!!! HELL, I CAN EVEN LOOK THE OTHER WAY WHEN MIKURU TOSSED HER COOKIES IN MY SCHOOL BAG!!! BUT THIS... THIS I CAN NEVER FORGIVE!!!"
And with that quip, Tsuruya threw the item she was holding to the floor. Now Yuki and Mikuru could see what it was.
It was a gooey, wet, yellow, rounded object with some plastic wrap that was torn on one side covering it. There was a shoe print on the top of it and it smelled of alcohol and stomach acid.
"What is that?" asked Yuki, even though she already knew the answer.
Tsuruya smiled evilly and started laughing. It was the kind of laughter you would hear from a super-villain or Hannibal Lector.
"Ha ha ha ha ha! That's a good one, Yuki! BOTH OF YOU SHOULD ALREADY KNOW!!! IT'S A WHEEL OF SMOKED CHEESE THAT I WAS SAVING FOR LATER IN MY BAG!!! AND NOW IT'S MEGAS RUINED!!!" she yelled at them, flecks of foam flying from her lips. Yuki and Mikuru backed away until their backs were touching the wall behind them. They shivered in absolute terror.
Tsuruya advanced on them, while giggling like a maniac. "SMOKED CHEESE IS THE ONE THING IN THE WORLD THAT KEEPS ME GOING!!! I WAS GONNA EAT IT WHEN I GOT HOME, BUT NOW I CAN'T DO THAT, NOW CAN I!?!? MY FAMILY HAS A SPECIAL RULE... WHEN WE'RE WRONGED, WE GETS EVEN!!! I'M GOING TO BREAK BOTH OF YOU DOWN SO UTTERLY, THAT YOU'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO RISE UP AGAINST ME AGAIN!!!"
She pointed a finger at Yuki, who nearly wilted and said, "You're first."
Mikuru knew that as soon as Tsuruya was done doing god knows what to Yuki, she'd set her eyes on her. Friends did very weird things when they were angry. Mikuru crawled away from Yuki, who looked like she was about to have a stroke. Fearing for her survival, Yuki summoned a shield of blue energy between herself and Tsuruya. The fanged girl stared at it, then started to claw savagely at it, much like a rabid animal. And to Yuki's amazement, A few hair-line cracks began to show up in the shield.
What in the world is she? Not even the cave cricket we fought back could damage my shield... I'm going to die here... Or at least get seriously injured, thought Yuki as Tsuruya continued to pound against the shield. Finally, Tsuruya placed both hands against it and leaned back...
Yuki's eyes widened. Oh dear...
CRACK!
Yuki's shield shattered like glass from the impact of Tsuruya's massive forehead. She stalked towards the Humanoid Interface with a sadistic grin on her lips.
"Now I have you..." she cackled, her fingers stretched out like claws. She prepared to jump at Yuki-
THWOCK!
And folded in on herself like an umbrella.
Yuki was stunned. Standing behind Tsuruya's body, tea tray in her hands, was Mikuru. The maid had her mouth set in a complete 'o' of surprise. Then she shook her head and ran over to Yuki.
"God, my head hurts... Are you okay, Yu- I mean Nagato?" Mikuru asked.
Yuki nodded. "Thank you for rescuing me, Miss Asahina. I thought Tsuruya was going to devour me. I am grateful for your help."
"Sorry I... beat you up earlier."
"......You did not beat me up. You attacked me in a drunken rage and I defended myself. But I too am at fault as well. I let my emotions get the better of me."
"Oh no, Nagato! You did what any normal person would have done! I don't blame you for what you did. I do drink a little too much... You were a little scary, though."
"Yes, I believe I was exhibiting the emotion most human beings all refer to as 'batshit insane'. Is that correct?"
"Err... sure. Look, I'm sorry about what I said about Kyon. He's your friend just as much he is as mine. I shouldn't have accused you."
"And I am sorry about those derogatory remarks I made about your appearance."
"Hey! I got an idea! I'll buy you one of those... games that you like so much! Would you like that?"
"I would like that. And I will try to help you overcome your alcohol addiction."
"Thanks! You can come with me to an AAA meeting! We can have cookies and juice and-"
"YAAAAARRRRGH!!!"
The two girls looked back at Tsuruya, who was now standing up with huge bump on her head. Her nostrils flared in and out like a bull's.
"THAT REALLY HURT, YA KNOW!!!" she roared.
Tsuruya flew at them like a bird of prey, but the two girls dodged and ran behind her. Looking back at Tsuruya, Mikuru and Yuki saw that her body was enveloped in a green aura of energy. It was almost as if she was going Super Sayin. Mikuru and Yuki looked at each other.
"What do we do?!" asked the time-traveler frantically.
"Fleeing would be a good idea," suggested Yuki, grabbing Mikuru's hand and pulling her.
The two bolted out the door with Tsuruya hot on their heels. The group passed by Itsuki, the revived Kyon and Haruhi, and the comatose Taniguchi. The esper, goddess, and errand-boy watched in bewilderment as the trio ran past them. Mikuru and Yuki were half-naked and covered in food and blood, and Tsuruya seemed to be possessed by a demonic force. Kyon wasn't sure whether to be aroused or disturbed.
"NYORO RAGE!!!" shouted Tsuruya as they disappeared around the corner. Kyon and Haruhi exchanged a couple of 'WTF!' looks and Itsuki just shrugged. Haruhi peered into her clubroom and almost went into cardiac arrest.
"MY CLUBROOM!!!" she cried, hands on top of her head. "IT'S RUINED!!!"
A few minutes later, Kyon and Itsuki were cleaning up the room, while Haruhi supervised. And by supervised, I mean sitting in a chair and having a drink.
"Say, Koiuzmi," said Kyon, while they were setting up the table, "Do you think that Miss Asahina and Nagato will ever forgive each other?"
"I think they already have," said Itsuki with a Cheshire Cat grin.
"How do figure that?"
"Come with me."
Itsuki led Kyon over to the window and pointed down at the front gate. Kyon peered down and to his surprise, saw that there were three figures down there running in a circle. Mikuru and Yuki were holding hands and trying to stay out of Tsuruya's reach, who at the moment was swiping at their backs and shouting some rather obscene words.
"You see that?" said Itsuki. "Friends may quarrel now and again, but only true friends would come to each other's aid in times of need. I knew they would resolve their differences, if given enough time. And even if they continued to squabble, the introduction of a greater force would have stopped them. In this case, the force is Tsuruya."
Kyon looked doubtful. "So you're saying that the only reason they're helping each other is to avoid a greater peril?"
"Exactly, my dear, Kyon."
"........Koizumi?"
"Yes?"
"You're a douchebag."
***
The fundraiser was a success. Plenty of people came to watch the show and had good time (Though unbeknownst to Haruhi, the crowd thought the show was a comedy instead of a romantic adventure like she wrote the story to be). Still, at the end they received a standing ovation from the audience and bowed. During the bow two of actresses exchanged a friendly glance. They'd put aside their differences and grown closer. Hopefully it would stay that way and the princess and the dragon could remain the best of friends.
Although, the part when Tsuruya jumped on stage and started chasing the two of them offstage with a prop sword was definitely not part of the act.
Yuki would later learn from Mikuru that Tsuruya could hold a grudge.
For a long, long time.
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A/N: Don't mess with LOL Fang-tan's cheese. She will eat you.
Logically speaking, I think Yuki could take Mikuru. Then that means the only one who can beat her is Tsuruya! ...Does that mean that Emiri can take on Tsuruya? ...Not a chance.
Stayed tuned for:
Sex-changes!
Razorblades!
Perv Kyon!
Pairings that shouldn't be!
FAN ART!
And the Spanish Inquisition!
Review Haruhi-worshippers! Your yellow ribbon-wearing goddess demands it!