A Time of Dawn

A few minutes after the grandfather clock chimed nine times, Maria came out of a deep, dreamless and healing sleep. Her eyes opened slowly, and for a moment was confused as to where she was. Turning over, Maria saw that the other side of the huge canopy bed was empty, but someone had indeed slept beside her last night. She could smell his scent as she reached out to touch the still-warm space.

As she did, her hand fell on something that didn't feel like fabric, but paper. Grabbing it, Maria sat up and rubbed her eyes so her vision was clearer. She read an elegant and masculine hand:

I hope you are feeling all right this morning; sleep for as long as you want to. God knows that Max and Philemona will. Do not worry about Gretl; she is going to a friend's house for the afternoon on a playdate.

I will be in the gazebo if you would like to talk, Maria.

Yes, she did want to talk. That much was sure. So much had changed last night, and Maria wanted to know where they stood with each other.

So, after making the bed, Maria went back into her own room across the hall to freshen up and change into a dress before heading outside. On her way downstairs, she caught a glimpse of Frau Schmidt. "Ellen!" she called, coming down the stairs quicker.

"Maria!" said Ellen with a smile, stopping to talk. "How did it go last night?"

The young woman stopped dead in her tracks, and after a moment laughed shortly. "That could be considered a long story, but overall, a success."

"Well, that's good!" said Ellen, feeling relieved.

"Are Max and Philemona still sleeping?"

"Yes, and I was told to not expect them until lunch," said Ellen, and the two women shared a laugh.

"And the Captain?" asked Maria, the feel of his title on her tongue suddenly awkward.

"He went outside with a book right after he had his breakfast. I don't think he's come back in either. Do you want some breakfast yourself now?"

"No, I'll wait until lunch. I need to speak to my husband right now."

"All right," said Frau Schmidt, with a small smile. Something good must have happened last night if the Baroness was reaching out to the Baron. Her smile remained as she walked to her original destination, looking over her shoulder to see Maria walking out onto the verandah.

Maria took her time walking towards the gazebo, which was on the southern part of the extensive grounds. She wished she had a better idea of the words she would say to him, that she knew how to describe or even name the feelings she had. All she knew was that there had been a change, a change in her; first she thought it had happened last night but she realized that it went as far back as at least their wedding night. Finally, the gazebo came into view and she could see him through the glass walls. He was seated on one of the benches, lounging with his back on the glass wall, holding a book in one of his hands. He seemed deeply engrossed in it, and Maria felt almost guilty for being about to interrupt him.

So she took a moment to lean against the doorway and look at him. It was the first time she allowed herself to really look at him. For the first time she noticed how elegant yet masculine his hands were, like his handwriting. His long fingers made his hands perfect for playing an instrument, like the guitar or the piano. She could tell, by looking at his body, that he kept himself in shape, even with all of his clothes on she could tell that. His face she began to admire. His jaw line was very strong and noble-looking, reminding her of a painting of a king she'd seen once in a book. His dark hair, combed elegantly, was thick; Maria wondered how it would feel to the touch. Though she couldn't really see them while he was reading, she remembered how lovely a blue color his eyes were. They said so much when he said so little…

The Captain suddenly looked up from his book – as if he were taking a break from swimming to breathe – and spotted her. He immediately stood up, looking as nervous as her, but the worry and compassion she saw in his eyes was stronger. "Maria! You came…are you feeling all right?"

Maria looked down for a moment, feeling embarrassed by her conduct of last night, but was even more touched by that worry and compassion she saw in him. "Um, yes, I'm feeling much better." An awkward moment of silence. "Can I sit down?"

"Of course, sit down, please," said the Captain hastily, sitting back down and motioning to the seat beside him. Maria sat, folding her hands in her lap, wishing desperately that the words matching whatever she was feeling would come. Deciding to at least break the ice, she motioned to the book he had set aside. "What are you reading?"

The Captain picked up the book and held it out to her. "It's a book of Shakespeare's sonnets I've had for a while but haven't read recently. I just pulled it off my shelf randomly and was reacquainting myself to it. I'd forgotten how much I love the way Shakespeare uses his language."

Maria opened the well-worn book to a page at random and softly read aloud the twenty-ninth sonnet slowly:

"When in disgrace with Fortune and men's eyes,

I all alone beweep my outcast state,

And trouble deaf heaven with my bootless cries,

And look upon my self and curse my fate,

Wishing me like to one more rich in hope,

Featured like him, like him with friends possessed,

Desiring this man's art, and that man's scope,

With what I most enjoy contented least,

Yet in these thoughts my self almost despising,

Haply I think on thee, and then my state,

(Like to the lark at break of day arising

From sullen earth) sings hymns at heaven's gate,

For thy sweet love remembered such wealth brings,

That then I scorn to change my state with kings."*

Maria closed the book slowly after reading the poem, her heart feeling fuller as well as her eyes. "You're right…his language is very beautiful."

She looked at the Captain, who looked very surprised. "You know English?"

Maria chuckled briefly, remembering just how little they knew about each other. "Well, my father loved literature very much. He would read to me in both German and English, teaching me bits of the language so I would understand it and appreciate it more. After he passed, I worked harder in my literature and English classes than any others because I felt closer to him. When I entered the convent, I knew the language on at least a basic level, but being the children's governess motivated me to become as close to fluent as I can." She ended on a shrug.

The look she saw in the Captain's eyes was both impressed and…was it a relieved happiness? "Like I said last week, you are more than welcome to borrow any of my books."

Maria nodded, holding the book in her lap. "Thank you."

Another few moments of awkward silence between them; though the Captain had extended the invitation to talk, Maria knew that she would have to be the one to start the conversation.

Deciding to try it out for the first time, marking a change in their relationship, she began: "Georg…"

In her peripheral vision, the young woman saw said man look at her with a surprised but pleased look on his face. He liked her calling him by his name, then…she was glad of that. After all, she would feel pretty ridiculous calling him "Captain" forever, them being husband and wife and all.

She continued, choosing her words with care. "Georg, I…I want to thank you for everything you did for me last night. And not just for getting to me in time at the ball, but for…" Maria didn't need to say the unspoken words; he understood. Feeling suddenly more embarrassed than ever, Maria shut her eyes tight for a moment and ran a hand through her hair. "Oh, I hate this. I hate being so emotional in front of someone; even with Dominik it got harder as we got older."

"I understand," said Georg, his gaze shifting to his own lap. "But I'm glad you were able to let yourself go. Take it from someone who learned the worst way: the longer one keeps emotions tightly bottled up, the more sure and devastating the coming explosion will be…and they won't be the only ones harmed by it."

Maria looked at him, who had resumed her original slumped positions. Why was she surprised that he understood? What he said was true and she had known it, but…

Right then and there, Maria made a decision. Being husband and wife meant, if nothing else, being partners in life for all of their lives. She had meant it when she had told him if he ever hurt her again, she would leave, but Maria was finding that more and more unlikely. And the fact that she had allowed herself to do something in front of him that she felt uneasy doing to everyone else, even Dominik sometimes…that scared her immensely, what it could mean, but she didn't feel in her heart that it was bad in her circumstances. After all, he was her husband and she was his wife; if any relationship was meant to be close, it was this one. She resolved, then and there, to try.

Wanting to test the waters with honesty, to see what his reaction would be, Maria took a deep breath and said, "The last time I…let myself go like that, as you put it, I was alone on my mountain. The Reverend Mother had just told me of your proposal."

She watched him meet her eyes when she began to speak, and saw the pain that filled them when she spoke the last sentence. She continued, feeling a bit guilty.

"What made me break down more than anything else was, not really the proposal, but the fact that the Reverend Mother told me she believed it was God's will I do it. As a postulant and lifelong Catholic, I'd been trained to follow the will of God as the ultimate authority. If what she said was right, it would mean I would have to give up the life I had wanted since I was Brigitta's age at least. It just…felt as if the only mother and Father figures I had left were slamming the door in my face without leaving any windows open…"

His expression turned very tender. "I can't imagine, Maria…the pain you must have felt…" And he couldn't. The thought of someone telling him at her age that he would never be allowed near the sea again was unthinkable.

Maria tightened her lips and just nodded, wanting to continue without getting choked up, focusing her gaze on one corner of the gazebo floor. "I was in a really bad state when I heard you and the children coming."

Georg straightened in surprise, his eyes widening slightly. "You…you were there?"

Maria nodded. "I hid in my tree. For one thing, I was terrified to face you for the first time since…that day. And, considering the state I was in, I didn't want to scare the children. More than anything, I wanted to watch you with the children. During their visits and letters, they'd told me all about how your relationship had changed, but I couldn't really believe it until I watched you all, invisible as I was. And then, trapped as I was in my tree, I couldn't help overhearing the conversation between you and Liesl…After just finding out it was God's will I should marry you, hearing I had the blessing of the children…I knew then and there in my mind where my life was to go, and I let the rest of my tears out in silence above you…thank God Dominik came then, I needed my brother…"

Georg could no longer take it; he had to try and comfort the woman he loved somehow. Remembering what she had done last night, Georg hesitantly reached for her hand between them, gripping the bench, and covered it lightly. It relieved him greatly that she did not flinch or pull away, so he let it rest over hers, caressing her knuckles with his thumb.

Maria looked at him then, locking their gazes firmly. "That day was a turning point in another way for me, Georg. That was the day I first began to see you. Really see you. I can believe now that the person I met in June was only a dark shadow of yourself, after listening to Max and Philemona, and watching you with the children all these weeks. You can't fake that for that long a time. But it wasn't until last night that I allowed myself to really see that; I couldn't deny it or hide anymore."

Maria turned towards him on the bench, taking both of his hands in hers. He turned as well, gently caressing her hands as he watch her face struggle to get the words out; this was hard for her.

"In a way, Zeller trying to have his way with me was a blessing in disguise, because it helped me realize something. The look in his eyes was that of a monster: taking pleasure in pain, a selfish sadist. That wasn't the look in your eyes when you grabbed and kissed me. The look in your eyes was that of someone…under torture, frustrated and confused and in pain. You were a beast but…not a monster. There's a crucial difference."

To Georg, this was too good to be true. He looked down at her hands, feeling so humbled. "Maria…I…"

"Shh," she said. "Please let me finish my piece…From what happened in your room last night, I know a few more things, though I still feel like a puzzle that's been scattered and am only trying to put the pieces together again, knowing the picture will be different. I think…I know now…that you would never intentionally hurt me; you're keeping your promises and vows. You could have beaten Zeller to a pulp and forever made me fear you, but you didn't. You could have taken advantage of me last night, coming into your room and becoming so vulnerable, but you didn't." She looked down for a moment. "I can't forget what you did, but I can try to forgive you."

She looked up again, trying to make her voice sound not as heavy. "Safe to say, for two people who will spend the rest of their lives together, we have an awful lot to learn about each other. Can we start over, and try to make this right?"

There was a moment of silence, and Maria suddenly felt nervous, wondering what he would say to this.

Finally, he stood up and she did too. He didn't let go of her hands. Georg looked at her in that way that cut right through her in a good way. "All you've shown me last night and today is more than I deserve, more than I ever could have hoped for from you. Of course I want us to start over; I want to know you, and try to make myself worthy of you…But may I ask you one thing?"

Maria nodded, curious.

His expression turned gentle. "Though you didn't say it specifically, I could deduce what you tried to offer last night."
Now Maria felt her entire neck, as well as face, blush beat red. But Georg prevented her from lowering her head by putting a finger under chin. "I want you to promise me that you will not make that offer to me until you feel, beyond a reasonable doubt, that you are ready. Even if that day never comes, I will wait for you and will never take advantage of you."

For once, Maria had no words; the swelling of her throat prevented any. So, being a woman to more than occasionally act on impulse, she followed one: she hesitantly rested her hand on his shoulder, hesitantly wrapped her arms around his back, and said softly, "Thank you."

If she was asked to put words to what she was feeling, she wouldn't be able to do it at all. All she really knew was one thing, ringing in her mind as he returned her embrace, that she had learned at 2 AM that day: she no longer feared him, but felt safe with him.

The rest of the day passed in a pleasant haze for the two of them. The twins came down before noon and they shared a very nice brunch together. Maria and Georg said nothing about what had happened between them, but the twins could see immediately that something had changed for the better between them. So they talked over the overall pleasant experience of the ball with great pleasure.

That day Philemona went back to Vienna, along with her brother, who was eager to get back into high society. Only now did he feel comfortable enough to leave, seeing as how Maria seemed in a much better place with Georg, and Georg was with himself. Maria hugged the both of them tightly in gratitude before they drove away.

The children could, upon coming home from school, see a happy change in their mother and father as well, and dinner was filled with eager questions about the ball that their parents answered, sometimes discreetly.

As Maria tucked in the youngest, with Georg tucking in Marta, Gretl stubbornly crossed her arms and said, "I'm not tired, I won't go to sleep."

Georg couldn't help but chuckled at how adorable it was, and Maria, who knew this game well, imitated Gretl's posture and succeeded in earning a giggle from Marta and a brief smile from Gretl, who tried to look her very best to look resolute.

"Well, can I at least sing you a lullaby?" asked Maria innocently and hopefully.

Gretl seemed to think about it for a moment, then nodded with authority.

Maria smiled, and Marta eagerly went to her father's lap, cuddling there ready for the song. "Can you sing the bird lady song, Mother?"

Maria smiled at Marta and nodded. It was an adorable sight to see her being cradled like that. She briefly smiled at Georg, too, and he smiled back.

Turning her gaze to just above Gretl's bed, Maria sang softly, letting the song her mother had sung to her long ago just take a life of its own:

Early each day to the steps of St. Paul's,

The little old bird woman comes.

In her own special way to the people she calls:

"Come, buy my bags full of crumbs.

Come feed the little birds, show them you care,

And you'll be glad if you do.

The young ones are hungry, their nests are so bare,

All it takes is tuppence from you…

Feed the birds, tuppence a bag,

Tuppence, tuppence, tuppence a bag.

Feed the birds." That's what she cries

While, overhead, her birds fill the skies.

All around the cathedral, the saints and apostles

Look down as she sells her wares.

Although you can't see it, you know they are smiling

Each time someone shows that he cares.

Though her words are simple and few,

Listen, listen, she's calling to you:

"Feed the birds, tuppence a bag,

Tuppence, tuppence, tuppence a bag…"

Sure enough, the beautiful lullaby did the trick. Gretl was fast asleep by the end, and so was Marta.

Georg was entranced. He'd never heard her sing alone before, only with the children. Her voice was that of an angel…When she softly cleared her throat, he snapped himself out of it and gently tucked Marta into bed.

After kissing both girls good-night and closing their bedroom door, the husband and wife were left looking at each other shyly.

"Georg…" said Maria softly.

"Yes?"

"Would you help me move my things into the master bedroom? I don't want to be alone anymore and…well, only if it's all right with you, of course."

His soft smile was all the answer that she needed.

A/N: The song is, of course, from Mary Poppins; it happens to be the favorite song of both Walt Disney and myself (no lie).