Intox 25

Sunday afternoon was quiet. Esme was back from church by the time I came out of the trees; she convinced Alice and me to help her in the kitchen, even though I did not want to. I helped her bake cookies all afternoon and was eventually paid off with a plate of fresh cookies. We had little conversation – which was for the best – but somehow I managed to feel better anyway.

Toward evening we carried our plate of cookies into the living room and joined Edward, who was watching the cult classic Donnie Darko. He took several of the offered cookies as the three of us resettled on our own couches. While we watched I felt the oddest sensation of watching myself; parts of the lead character seemed to be ripped from my mind. It was disconcerting to say the least, but I was comforted with the knowledge that I, with my space outs and loss of control, was still not legitimately crazy like Donnie. Right?

After the movie, Alice picked one of her favorites and we continued the marathon. Despite the humorous blunders of Sandra Bullock and Nicole Kidman, I fell asleep halfway through the movie and woke only when the end credits rolled. Edward was carrying Alice to bed and I stumbled off for my own.

Carlisle pulled me aside in the morning as I came out of the bathroom and told me that he would pick me up from school an hour before classes let out. I nodded, only just paying attention as I tried to keep my stomach from turning again, and brushed past him for the kitchen. Though my pallor was gray and I felt nausea swimming in my head, I was also freezing and tea would remedy that.

Esme tried to coax me into eating but failed. I sipped delicately on a mug of peppermint tea while my family dug into their egg wraps, my body feeling too miserable to handle anything solid. My body ached with flu-like symptoms, though I would need to be stupid if I believed what was at face value.

After breakfast, Edward, Alice and I rode to school in silence. It was not uncomfortable, but I could hardly pay attention as I browsed through my textbooks and realized how behind I was. My soul was in agony already, and so I despaired until I could drag myself into the parking lot to smoke.

The cold pavement felt good beneath me. I stared stupidly at the light clouds above me, which were evidently appeased by this weekend's rain. My hands shook the cigarette as I tried to light it – it took three flicks for the lighter to burn the extra paper edge and burn tobacco. The end product was worth my efforts, though; it almost felt like a familiar heaven.

I went into a dreamlike state and only woke when a shadow passed my vision. It was Bella. I scanned the parking lot behind her and easily found the pack of glaring friends she had broken away from before turning back to her.

"How was your trip to the beach?" I asked, patting the concrete beside me.

She flopped to the ground and sighed. "Cold, wet, and I skinned my palms."

I held back a groan and a laugh at the same time. Typical Bella. "Let me see," I said, as if there was any insight I could offer. Despite this, she listened to me; I secured the cigarette between my lips and peered at her palms closely.

"It doesn't look too bad," I commented, "but you're probably gangrenous. By the end of the week… who knows."

Bella laughed genuinely before glancing up at me, curious. "You got your cast off?"

I nodded. "On Saturday," I confirmed.

"Can I see it?"

Despite myself, I felt my eyes narrow. "No."

Bella drew back but did not leave. We sat silently until I finished smoking and spoke.

"I'm a little stressed." I took a deep breath. "I didn't mean to snap." Yes you did.

She seemed to know what I was talking about because she nodded reflectively. "Under the same rules we agreed on the other day: what is stressing you out?"

I blew out a breath and sighed heavily. In truth there were too many things. "Finals," I muttered under my breath eventually. When she eyed me dubiously – and who wouldn't, really? – I continued. "I've been here too long already, Bella, and one more year is just intolerable. I tried to study this weekend, and do you know the conclusion I came to?"

"Do I want to?"

"That I'm fucked." Her eyes widened at my choice of words and I apologized quickly before moving on. "I'm not going to survive this." And I'm not just referring to the school year, I added miserably to myself. I was scared.

"If it's Biology or English, I can help you study," she offered, placing a hand gently on my shoulder. "Especially for the test on Friday."

"It'll take a lot of effort."

"Come to my house after school so we can study; I'm making chicken alfredo."

"I'm a vegetarian," I said with a smile, "but I'll still come over."

Bella grinned and got to her feet. "Awesome." Once again, I heard too much emotion in her voice; I could not tell what it was, though. "I'll see you in Biology." She disappeared before I had a chance to reply. My head spun and I had to wonder what the hell had just happened.

I knew Alice had seen or foreseen the stars of friendship aligning for Bella and I, but she said nothing as we sat down at our lunch table. She seemed resigned. We chatted quietly as she picked through her salad and Edward studied, and happily our conversations did not touch upon me as much as they did life.

When I sat down in Biology class Bella was waiting expectantly. I had to reference her book to see what page mine should be on so I could try to take notes. Again I wondered how long I had been in my own little world, too absorbed with myself to be of any use to society or those around me – not that I currently was or would be soon; it was the potential of one day being useful that gave me hope.

I had forgotten to mention that I had to leave school early so Bella was surprised when the vice principal came to the door for me mid-lecture. She gave me a quizzical gaze to which I replied generically about another X-ray for my bruised ribs; she let me off without further inquiry, even if other students appeared triumphant.

"I will be there in one hour," I said as I gathered my books. "I promise. I'll have Carlisle drop me off – might need a ride back, actually."

"Sure," she offered easily and I smiled in relief. The last thing I needed now was more complications because, as I was sure, more were approaching fast.

I was escorted down the same condemning hall – this time without Carlisle – and shown into Dr. Andalano's office. I took up the same seat as before and wrapped my arms protectively around me because I was both to insecure and too cold to be here. Thankfully, the wait was not too long; he bustled into the room and sat down. The cushion of his chair gave a small poof as it accepted his weight and then quieted.

"Good afternoon," he said after he had situated himself.

"It's a shitty day," I countered. He quirked an eyebrow but said nothing; I suppose he was coming to grasp my counter productivity.

"All right, I've decided to take your case. Also, I have already given your father-"

"Carlisle," I interjected quickly.

"-your prescription slip; he is in charge of it. I'm sure you were expecting that."

I nodded.

"I'm starting you with a low dose of Olanzapine. We will see how that works for the week and readjust if necessary next Monday."

"Okay…" my mind was furiously trying to remember what the drug did. It sounded familiar. Had I taken it before?

"If you feel unduly stressed, jittery, aggravated, or if you feel very drowsy, let Carlisle know immediately. Keep away from stressors for the first week and we can discuss it this Friday at your next appointment. Above all, remember that you will need to aid the medicine – it can't do it all by itself."

I nodded again, already feeling stressed at the prospect of committing to this. It must have shown in my eyes because he took extra pains to reassure me. I shrugged it off and pointedly checked my watch.

"How is school doing for you, Jasper?" Andalano asked slowly.

"I'm failing," I said curtly, continuing with "and it doesn't make me feel anything other than pissed off."

He chuckled. "Love interest?"

"No." My mind turned not-so-surprisingly to Bella. I should have seen that coming.

"Any potentials?" He had read my history, but was this man a complete idiot?

"I don't think so." My tone was abrupt – much more so than I had expected. I startled myself but truthfully had not had a relationship since my escapades in Alaska. They all ended badly.

Dr. Andalano nodded reflectively. "That's for the best right now – it would only redirect your focus from the progress you are trying to make.

That stuck with me more than the rest of our conversation. The rest was meaningless simply because I was stuck in the implications of my relationships, my past, and my future. I left the room more subdued than I had been during the day; I wanted to find a corner to hide myself in until I could stop thinking.

Carlisle actually thought it was a good idea for me to go to Bella's house, despite my insisting that I did not feel well and wanted to go home. He dropped me on the curb where her truck was parked in its gravel driveway and drove away before I could curse at him. I considered simply walking away but the door opened before I was able to.

"Jasper, c'mon in," she called, opening the screen door and leaning out. Looking, I realized how impossible it was for me to just leave. I bounded up the steps and through the doorway into her foyer instead, a smile slowly creeping over my features as I turned toward her.

'Just call me Grasshopper." I plunked down my book holding backpack (formerly of other purposes).

Bella snorted, shut the door behind her, and signaled for me to follow her to the kitchen table as she muttered something about old Asian kung fu movies. I kicked my muddy shoes off and followed.

The table was clean except for Bella's scattered notebooks. I took up the seat adjacent to her and opened my book. Bella, at the stove, asked me what I needed help with and I, much to her amusement, replied "everything."

"Okay," said Bella without breaking stride, "we'll start with the scientific theory. Now get over here and help me cook!"

Her tutoring method was unorthodox. For an hour I chopped ingredients, stirred cream, and learned how to sauté mushrooms while Bella, working beside me, quizzed me from memory on lessons we had gone over in class. I did not think I was learning anything until we put the Italian bread in the oven to toast and Bella asked me a question I could actually answer.

"Hey! You got it!" she exclaimed, clapping.

"I knew the answer all along," I said with a smirk.

The phone rang before she got a chance to reply, but she swatted my arm as she went to answer it. I waited, just feeling the shockwaves spreading out from the impact, until she came back into the room.

"So it's official: you're staying for supper. My dad will be home in a few minutes."

"Oh, Bella, I should go."

"That's ridiculous!" She planted her hands firmly on her hips and stared me down; it was intimidating coming from such a petite woman. "Just sit down!"

I sat, folding my legs beneath me Indian-style. After checking the bread she took the seat by me and wrapped her arms around her knees. We studied each other. I scratched my forearms instinctively and waited.

"I downloaded Janis Joplin's greatest hits the other day," Bella said suddenly.

My eyebrows rose. I was, admittedly, impressed. "And?"

"She was a great singer. I'm not sure what my favorite song is yet."
"Yeah," I agreed. "It can be hard to decide…" I trailed off, absorbed in thought. I knew what my favorite song was and, as usual, it depicted my current life situation.

"What's so funny?"

I opened my eyes and found Bella peering into them. Her eyes were liquid pools, searching mine fervently. The smile ghosting my lips widened into a grin. I shook my head.

"Bella, have you heard Mercedes Benz yet?"

Bella laughed lowly, but the sound still detracted me from the closing of the front door. "I was singing that song all day yesterday!" she exclaimed. "Wasn't I, Dad?"

I turned in my seat to see Chief Swan in the doorway from the foyer. He eyed me with surprise and – unless I was mistaken – mistrust. I jumped to my feet immediately and greeted him with a handshake. He looked past me to his daughter, exchanging a meaningful look before breaking the awkwardness of the situation. Clearly he hadn't known I was going to be here.

"Mercedes Benz? I thought I was going to have to kick you out of the house," he said with a tender smile, clearly joking. "Where on Earth did you get your taste in music?"

"Dad!" Bella tossed a towel at her father. "Go get ready for dinner!"

He excused himself to wash up and Bella and I set the table quickly. I tried once more to excuse myself from their meal – failing miserably once again – before sitting back in my seat with a none-too-serious scowl.

Bella dished out the pasta as soon as Chief Swan was at the table, keeping up our side of the conversation so I did not have time to notice my shaking hands. On my part, it was difficult to ignore his presence so I passed him the sautéed mushroom sauce with a tentative smile. He took the dish and did not smile back. Rebuked, I stirred the contents of my plate and stayed silent.

"So, Bella, how was school today?"

"Oh, um… I got an A on my English paper, ate pizza for lunch, and decided to be a tutor." She winked at me as she said the last one. I smiled a bit.

"Is that like a school program or something?" he asked.

"Extra-curricular, Dad. Jasper is kinda behind in biology class."

Despite how the words made me come off like a social deviant, I nodded in agreement and took a quick bite. It was delicious.

The three of us ate in uninterrupted silence for most of the meal. Chief Swan rinsed his plate off and offered to help clean the dishes; Bella shooed him from the room by saying that we would take care of it.

"How is our biology project going?" I finally spoke. I was almost elbow deep in sudsy water.

"There's an exhibit in Seattle-"

"Next Saturday. The day of the dance," I finished.

"Yeah! How'd you know?"

"I pay attention."

"I only told two people."

"In that case I am an exceptional eavesdropper," I amended with a chuckle. "No, my real reason was to see if you wanted a ride."

I waited but there was only silence. It was unbearable. Bella was staring at me when I turned. Had I said something?

"What?"

"That's unexpected. It's really nice of you." She still looked shell-shocked.

"Pfft! I'm actually just inviting myself along and trying to make it more convenient for you since my brother and I were going into the city that day anyway," I said. I had to get out from under the stigma of kindness in some way.

Her eyes widened into globes as she tried to determine whether I was joking or serious. I turned away smugly and, seeing the smile, she burst into laughter and doubled over. I had to wash dishes alone while she composed herself.

"Edward wouldn't mind?" she asked once she had breath.

"I'll check to make sure," I said, thinking of the OCD rigidity he sometimes displayed, "but I doubt it."

"Okay," she agreed.

I stayed long enough to finish cleaning the kitchen and get her to laugh again. She drove me home and for the few minutes I was in her truck we listened to the radio playing a mix of static and Golden Oldies. I had forgotten my earlier melancholy in the ebb and flow of our conversation.

Bella was definitely a distraction.

I would be damned if I didn't love her for it.

E/N: I have a clear idea of the chapters following this one. Unfortunately (and as you can see), updates will be undisciplined for the fall semester. Working mornings, learning in the evenings, and studying on the weekends doesn't give me much time for reading OR writing. Nevertheless, I am working forward!

Let me know what you thought of the chapter. Give me some details as incentive, too, just so I can ignore my 3 Biology papers a little bit longer. Eh?