Hey there! How quick was I this time? Hehe
Hope you enjoy the chapter. It isn't betaread so I apologize for typos etc. xx
Chapter Twenty - Five: Impasse
Elsie watched as a perfect evening came crumbling down.
"You are... married?" Charles looked at his colleague with his mouth agape.
"Yes, we married last year," Mr Reed confirmed. "Best decision we have ever made," he smiled tenderly at his wife.
"Congratulations to you both," said Elsie sincerely, trying to break the awkwardness that Charles was creating.
"Thank you, Mrs Hughes," replied politely Maud Reed.
"But... What does the Viscout have to say about this?" Charles' shock was becoming more and more evident.
"He was perfectly alright with it."
"And where do you live now? I'm surprised you're still at his employ," Charles grumbled.
"We live in a small cottage the Viscout granted us on the estate."
"Honestly, Mr Carson, there's nothing to be surprised about, we're in the twentieth century!" exclaimed Mrs Hughes.
"Of course not, Mrs Hughes. I'm sorry for my conduct, Mr Reed, but your news surprised me greatly. Since the Viscount is alright with your current situation and has provided you with a suitable accommodation, I'm glad for you both."
"No offense taken, Mr Carson. I'm happy I have met you tonight and got to know your lovely colleague," he admitted sincerely, his wife humming in agreement.
"It was a happy coincidence for us as well, Mr Reed," smiled Elsie.
It seemed that their conversation was coming to a swift end. Mr Reed shuffled his feet awkwardly. "Well, we must be on our way. Have a good evening, Mrs Hughes, Mr Carson."
"You too, Mr and Mrs Reed."
After they bid their goodbyes, Charles and Elsie resumed their walk towards the station but, differently from before, Charles had gone silent and broody.
His mind was swirling, thoughts racing in his head so rapidly he couldn't keep track.
Mr Reed wasn't the first butler in service to marry. In the last few years he had heard of more marriages than he wanted to admit. Times were changing and butlers were no more willing to sacrifice their private life for their employers. Butlers were marrying housekeepers, lady's maids, even simple maids. And none of their employers bat an eye.
He sighed in hopelessness. On one side he must admit he was glad times were changing and his category could claim more rights to a private life. On the other, his butler sensor was going crazy. A married butler was unheard of as well as being completely unprofessional.
He couldn't do that to the Crawleys, they had given so much to him. Downton was the place were he had grown physically, professionally and humanly. And yet, now that he was at this point, he didn't know if he could keep on ignoring what his heart was trying to tell him. He didn't know if he could ignore the wonderful woman beside him. Could it be possible for them, in some alternate universe, to marry? Would she accept him? Would she accept to spend the rest of her life in the company of his grumpy and inflexible persona?
He had come at an impasse between his professional and private life. Between his strong sense of loyalty and his feelings.
"Are you alright, Mr Carson? Charles?" she asked him tentatively.
Her question seemed to have popped the ball of silence he was enveloped in.
"What? I'm sorry, Mrs Hughes, I was lost in my thoughts."
"You certainly were... I just hope they were not too serious."
He turned to face her, looking at her face for a few seconds (which seemed an eternity to her) with a strange expression, one that Elsie couldn't decipher very well.
"No, they weren't," he lied.
The journey back to home was a quiet one. Elsie and Charles got the last train back to Downton and despite Mrs Hughes' attempts to initiate some conversation and regain the intimacy lost after dinner, Mr Carson persisted in his silence.
They arrived at the station shortly after half past ten, the whole building was enveloped in darkness.
He helped her descend once again, but his eyes were elsewhere, no more looking at her.
Elsie pursued her lips in thought. She certainly had done nothing to upset him, of that she was sure.
Had his silence something to do with their conversation with the Reeds?
She mulled the dilemma in her head.
They walked in silence, the gravel beneath their feet creaking quietly.
"I wish you would tell me what's on your mind," Elsie spoke her thoughts aloud without realising.
Charles stopped in his tracks, looking back at his bewildered companion before sighing. "I'm sorry, I'm ignoring you, Mrs Hughes."
"Are we back to formal titles now?" she couldn't help but ask, emboldened by his apologetic stance.
"I don't know," he sighed, looking at her like a beaten puppy.
She smiled tenderly at him, motioning for him to move away from the street so they could talk properly. He followed her wordlessly, as if she was pulling an invisible string between them and he couldn't help but do her bidding.
They sat on a bench, their legs close yet not touching.
"What is it, Mr Carson?" she asked him, avoiding his birth name if that made him more at ease.
He wrung his hands, looking at the ground. "I don't know how to put it."
"Well, if you were to try I wouldn't judge you," she attempted some humor.
"The world is changing, Mrs Hughes, and we are changing with it," he began enigmatically.
"Is that necessarily a bad thing?"
"I don't know. But what I know is that I'm not always comfortable with change."
'Don't I know,' Elsie thought to herself.
"You see, a lot has changed in these months. Mr Crawley died and Lady Mary was left alone with a newborn child, Lady Edith was jilted at the altar and is now an editor and Lady Sybil left us so suddenly that..." his voice broke at that point. "The fact is, I've never handled change well. I don't handle it well when it doesn't even concern me, I can't imagine when it does."
"I'm sorry to interrupt you, Mr Carson, but I don't know what you mean."
He turned to face her for the first time since they sat on the bench. "What I mean is, Mrs Hugh- Elsie, that something is changing. And that something concerns me."
"And what is it, may I ask?" she wondered after a long pause.
"You."
Elsie looked at him like a deer caught in headlights. "I'm not sure I can be hearing this right."
"Oh, but you are. You see, after all this time, I've finally come to my senses. The reason I didn't send you those letters was because I was afraid. Afraid that you'd think me improper - and with reason. Afraid that you'd push me away. And after all this time I realized that I've only been a coward." He took a deep breath, she could only imagine how arduous it was for him, to speak openly like that.
"Why would you think such a thing?" Elsie asked, breathless.
"Because when I got back from London I realized how wrong I was. I should have sent you those letters after all, for you missed a good friend as I missed you.
How silly of me to think I could wipe away years of cowardice by asking you to come with me to York," he laughed bitterly.
"My resolve crumbled the moment I heard Mr and Mrs Reed were married. A butler and a housekeeper married, it is unheard of, frowned upon!" he sighed again, at a loss for words.
"Are you upset because they're married?" she questioned, her voice a murmur.
"Yes. I couldn't help but think what would happen if things were... different for me. However closing up was easier than voicing my thoughts. What an old curmudgeon I am."
On a boost of confidence and boldness, Elsie took his big hand in hers. "Charles, please. You mustn't think of yourself like that." Her thumb started drawing circles on the back of his hand. He squeezed hers, his dark brown eyes looking deeply into hers. "Changes are part of life and if you can't make it by yourself, well, that's what... friends are for," she hesitated in saying the word friends, for he hadn't drawn a line yet and she didn't know exactly where they were heading with the conversation.
"I know I am grumpy and stuck in my ways. I have nothing to say in my defense, except that I made several mistakes. Nevertheless, I hope you can find it in you to forgive me, because I don't know what I would do without you, Elsie."
His confession left her breathless once again. "I don't know what I should forgive you for."
"I believe you do. And I hope you won't find me improper when I say that I have fallen in love with you."
Had he really said it or had she imagined it? Her eyes grew as big as saucers, her cheeks flaming red. She opened her mouth but nothing came out.
Charles, poor man, shuffled uncomfortably in his seat. "I hope I haven't made you ill at ease with my-"
Next thing he knew her lips were firmly touching his, robbing him of speech and filling him with emotion. His heartfelt speech was interrupted by the feel of her soft lips on his, of his big hands clasped in her small ones. Charles could feel his heart thumping madly in his chest.
When she broke the kiss, he could still taste her on his lips. Her scent was everywhere around him.
"Elsie..." he murmured, before all ability of speech left him.
Elsie looked at him, eyes shining with unshed tears, her mouth cracking a smile.
"Haven't we both made mistakes? Why should you belittle yourself before my eyes?"
"Because I wronged you deeply," he admitted gravely.
"And I couldn't care less," she deadpanned before laughing through tears. "Don't you see, you silly man, that you're everything to me?" One of her hands moved to his face, now a mask of disbelief and sincere surprise. She caressed his cheek, looking at him oh so lovingly he thought his heart might burst from emotion.
"You mean... You mean that you..."
"Yes," she whispered, her face so close to his he could feel her breath on his lips. "Yes, Charles."
He cupped her face with his big hands before kissing her. She responded in kind, her soft lips grazing his, her arms lacing behind his neck, her fingers stroking his scalp.
When they broke the kiss, he was looking at her adorantly and she couldn't help but smile in response, before whispering: "You might be an old curmudgeon but you are my curmudgeon and that makes all the difference."
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