Time for some caring in this fic after some angsty chapters.
You know your reviews make my day which is crappy because Diane Neal is leaving SVU. I'm so sad, crushed and depressed :(
It's no rumour, I wish it were, she confirms on her official website (I can't post the complete link here, but it's in the 'blog' section).
So please all fans, get over there and show her how much we love her. Thank you :)
She brought me to the show and I believe I'll leave it with her.
We'll all miss you Diane, SVU won't be the same without you. All the best for your future plans.
ADA Novak with her humor, her sarcasms, her fiery eyes will be missed.
Disclaimer: see chapter 1.
Casey Novak's apartment
16 April -10:18 pm
When Olivia woke up, she was surprised first to be alone and second in bed, not on top of the covers anymore.
Rubbing her eyes, she blinked until her eyes adjusted to the darkness.
The door was barely open and the light coming from the TV in the living room bathed the room in a gray light.
She half-smiled when taking notice of the deep creases on her black pants and shirt. Silk and linen weren't really fit to sleep in it. Maybe she'd borrow a jersey shirt from Casey before heading home.
Yawning, she stretched her arms above her head.
As she was about to stand, something in the corner of the room caught her eyes.
Casey was sitting in the chair between the bed and the window, watching her.
- "You okay?", she queried.
- "Yeah", she responded but it didn't convince Olivia.
- "But…"
- "I woke up and you were in my bed"
- "Casey I'm sorry, I…", Olivia gasped, understanding Casey's reaction, she didn't appreciate her invading her space.
- "Don't be sorry, it felt good to have you that close", she replied, biting her lower lip.
- "Oh…then what?"
- "Then I realised I couldn't lean on you that much. Get used to have you so close. So I got up and I…"
- "…put some distance?".
Casey only nodded.
"Why Casey?", she asked, standing to crouch by Casey's side, a hand on her thigh.
- "Because it's not your role. I have to fight this alone", she responded pointing at her head with a shaky hand.
- "Casey you don't have to. I'm here for you, to help you fight this. You know that"
- "I know Olivia and I appreciate your caring. I really do but…", she stood and began pacing the room.
Olivia was puzzled by her action.
She didn't mind sharing the same bed but seemed like she wanted to fight the disease alone.
Which was a non sense, which she wouldn't let her do.
Ruffling her hair, she stood and switched the light in the room.
She blinked against it, but turning to Casey, it revealed cheeks red from crying.
Reaching the younger woman, she stopped her pacing, placing two hands on her shoulder. Bending, she forced her to meet her eyes.
- "Casey, what is it?", she queried gently.
But Casey didn't respond, her lips moved but no sound came out of them. In the depth of her green eyes, she saw the same hesitant look she had when she told her about Charlie.
The same fear of being judged, even rejected.
- "Casey, talk to me. Please", she pleaded her.
- "I want to but…it's…I mean I", she looked at her with a shy smile and Olivia found it quite cute.
Sensing Casey's discomfort, Olivia decided to change subject, and tactics.
- "How long have you been up?"
- "Don't know, a couple hours. There wasn't much on TV so I came back here but I didn't want to wake you", she shrugged.
- "You should have woken me up honey. You ate anything? You hungry?"
- "Not really", more shrug.
- "Well I'm kind of starving. Let's see what's in your fridge", she said on a playful tone.
An arm across Casey's shoulders, they went to the living room.
Casey settled back on the couch, draping a blanket over her shoulders, as Olivia went through the fridge. There wasn't much there, they'd have to go groceries shopping in the morning.
With Casey's decision to fight came the realisation that, at this point, she was absolutely in no shape to go through surgery, then possible radiotherapy. She had done some research on her own, and radiotherapy was definitively a possibility. It depended on the size of the meningioma, its location. If surgery couldn't remove all of it, radiotherapy sessions would be prescribed to slow and hopefully eradicate the remains.
Casey took the first step, now they'd have to take the next together: perk her up.
Minutes later she joined Casey on the couch with a tray in hands. There were two steaming cups of tea and toasts on it.
They ate in companion silence, until Olivia reached for the TV remote and flipped channels searching for something to watch. She didn't mind the silence, but the one which blanketed the room was a little too thick.
They settled to watch a comedy, both way too acustomised to drama on their daily job to watch cop shows. Although Olivia's attention was more turned towards Casey, watching her profile closely, than on the TV.
It wasn't long before Casey, pretty aware of Olivia's eyes on her, spoke up, still looking at the TV screen.
- "Look Olivia. I know what you are trying to do and I'm more than thankful for that. But you have to understand that it's difficult for me. I'm not used to…to have someone…caring for me. And certainly not that much. It's…it's destabilizing"
Olivia took the time to think about what Casey just said before responding.
Switching the TV off, she turned to the younger woman, taking her hand between hers:
- "Casey, I understand what you are saying. But it doesn't mean you have to face this alone. I just want to help you, in any way you want. If you feel my presence is too intrusive, just tell me. We will adjust. All I want is to help Casey, nothing more", she whispered, feeling tears welling up in her eyes. She didn't know how to make Casey understand that her only concern was for her to live.
When Casey turned towards her, Olivia saw tears running down her cheeks and had to force herself not to wipe them away with her thumb. Instead, she tightened her hold on Casey's hand.
- "I just want you to live Casey", she stated honestly.
- "But…", she began.
- "Talk to me Casey. Trust me", she encouraged her.
- "But it's not your role to play Olivia. You are not…"
- "I'm your friend Casey, don't look behind that. I'm your friend and as such, I want you to come trough this, alive and healthy", she breathed slowly, calmly.
- "What if it's not enough?"
- "I will do anything in my power to help you. Just tell me what you need"
- "What if I lean on you and you leave?", she asked, fidgeting with the hem of the blanket.
- "It's not gonna happen Casey".
- "I couldn't handle it Olivia", she admitted shyly.
- "You won't have to. What happened with your family is the past Casey. I'm not going to turn my back to you. I'll stay by your side until you are declared 100 recovered. I promise you", she whispered.
- "You promise?', she looked up at Olivia with a hopeful smile.
- "I swear it Casey", she nodded.
- "Ok", she smiled, more tears running down her cheeks.
Olivia couldn't be sure but she thought some were tears of happiness.
Without thinking, Casey reached over and embraced Olivia, almost knocking the air out of her.
Later on, after watching more boring TV, both women could barely keep their eyes open.
Following Casey to her bedroom, Olivia intended to find something to sleep in and sheets for the pull out couch when Casey surprised her by asking her what side of the bed she preferred to sleep.
Turning around to face a very blushing Casey, Olivia couldn't hide her surprise.
- "Casey?"
- "I…I mean…would you mind sleeping in here? I can take the chair and …"
- "Com'on, it's your bed Casey, you take it. Besides, I thought you didn't want me in it?"
- "I…", blush wasn't even close to describe the state of Casey's cheeks, they were peony red. "I…well I sleep better when you are around"
- "Oh", she responded surprised by the turn of events "In that case, I don't mind".
- "You sure you don't? I mean it's…"
- "Casey, stop trying to explain yourself. If me being in here with you makes you sleep through the night, then I don't see any reason why I wouldn't.", she responded gently.
"All I care about is your well being", she assured her with a broad smile.
- "Thank you", she whispered before excusing herself to the bathroom.
Standing alone in the empty bedroom, Olivia couldn't help but smile: she knew today was the starting point of something new with Casey Novak.
The day she decided to fight back and accept her help.
Sure the path would be long and difficult, the surgery wouldn't be fun in any way but at least she wasn't alone in this, she was accepting her presence and help.
And she was willing to support her in any way she would need.
From Casey's reaction, she began to understand her fears earlier.
Her father turned his back to her when she needed her the most. Sure he was grieving his deceased wife and he dealt with it the best he could.
Even though it meant hurting his little girl.
Casey wasn't afraid only to accept her help. She was afraid that she would leave her at some point. Once she was leaning on her, she would just go away. Leave her face it alone.
But that's not something that would happen, not a chance.
Casey was as independent in her life as she was in her job: not taking any shit from anyone. No doubt it had taken her a lot to ask her to share her bed; although Olivia had seen lately that indeed she slept better with her around. She'd have offered to sleep in her bed, instead of forcing Casey to ask it from her.
She vowed to be more attentive to this kind of "details".
Olivia although began to foresee the length of Casey's needs.
Looks like they were quite important but she didn't care, she'd fulfil them all.
Sleep, food, comfort, medical cares, whatever she needed.
She had no idea if she was up to the task, she doubted there was some guide about what they were about to get through, but she was willing to do her best.
She had a meeting with Don Cragen a couple days ago and he had been very comprehensive regarding her intention to support Casey every step of the way. She couldn't afford to quit the force, so he offered to wait until she knew more about Casey's intention before taking any decision. Now that it was settled with Casey, they'd be working on her schedule.
Until the surgery, she could take time off but after it'd be a lot more difficult. Guess she'd request desk job during her time at the hospital, visiting hours being rather short in intensive care. The real problem would come after. She had no idea of the issue of Casey's surgery, let alone if chemo or radio therapy would be necessary. She although didn't know the effects they'd have on Casey, she heard of people loosing their hair, being so sick they lost a huge amount of weight, of medication making them so sick they wished they were dead.
Her train of thoughts was interrupted by Casey's return who had changed into a pair of flannel pale pink pyjamas.
Taking her turn in the bathroom, she changed to the pyjamas Casey lend her, and brushed her teeth.
At Casey's insistence, Olivia chose a side of the bed, the one by the window. She really didn't have any preference; she just figured that if Casey were to sleep late the next morning, it'd be better to be on the side the more far away from the window.
Once they were settled in bed, Olivia could feel the nervousness radiating from Casey's body. Turning her head towards her, she found her staring at the ceiling, chewing on her bottom lip nervously, arms crossed over the blanket.
Reaching across the bed, she caressed her cheek with the back of her fingers.
- "You okay?", she asked softly.
- "Yeah", she responded without looking at Olivia.
- "Doesn't look like it", she chuckled.
- "I'm fine Olivia", she lied.
- "Case, I'm trained to see when people lie. Tell me what's wrong", she requested gently.
- "I…", she began but she didn't know how to say it.
How was she supposed to ask Olivia more than what she was already offering? How to ask her if sleeping in her arms would be too much asking? How to make such a request to a woman who only two weeks ago was barely a co-worker; taking her a nothing more than a replacement for the ADA stashed in witness protection for the time being? How to dare making such a request without scaring her away? Olivia promised to stay until she was fully recovered but did this fit in? Was it part of the contract to be her personal pillow?
For as long as she remembered, whenever she was sick or utterly stressed, she'd be unable to find asleep, and even went through acute somnambulism.
But Olivia said nothing about it, so she guessed she had none when Olivia was sleeping in her bed. Simple but terribly efficient.
But how to tell her this?
From her cheek, she felt Olivia's hand move to her shoulder, massaging gently.
When Casey didn't respond to her gesture, something in her posture hit Olivia: her arms crossed high over her chest, she was lying in bed as rigid as the justice. A total opposite to the way she slept last night, and the week before.
Smiling at Casey's shyness and chastising her own blindness, Olivia pulled at Casey's shoulder.
After a moment, when Casey turned to her, she smiled, puffing out her chest.
- "Com' here", she offered gently.
Casey's eyes widened as her cheeks turned crimson, her lips moving but no words coming past them.
- "I've been said to be quite a nice fluffy pillow"
When Casey shot her a quizzical look, she went on:
- "Com'on Case, you will sleep better"
After observing Olivia a moment more, making sure that it wasn't some kind of sick joke, she gave in, snuggling up in Olivia's welcoming arms.
As they closed around her, hugging her close, she laid her head on Olivia's shoulder, her arms snaking around her waist in a tight grip. Moving around until she found the perfect position, she sighed contently. Tensing up, she prayed Olivia didn't hear her. She thought she hadn't until, minutes later, she felt Olivia kiss the top of her head, whispering "Anything, Case, you can ask anything", the smile in her voice making her relax.
As she succumbed to sleep, lulled by Olivia's strong heartbeat below her ear, her last coherent feeling was Olivia's hand settling on her lower back, drawing lousy circles under her t-shirt.
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