Life's slowing down these days. This I know. This I feel. A little more every day. Tired gears are down shifting. Settling themselves into an easier rhythm. A steady pace. Temporary cruise control. Ready to take a break. Ready to just sit back, and take in everything as it comes. Instead of trying to figure it all out before I even get there. Before there's even anything to figure out.

Because my life is untying itself. Unraveling such twisted knots. It's simplifying. It's returning to the way it once was. So long ago. Before the days of regret and guilt. Before the days of neglect and carelessness.

Before the day I accidentally strolled inside the wrong coffee house.

"So..." Aiden leans over in our booth, voice soft and sincere "...are you having a good birthday, Spence?"

Crooked smile, eyes more tired than drunk, I turn my lazy lips towards the sky "Yeah..." Slowly moving my body to face his, "...yeah, I am."

"Good." He smiles that same fifteen year old smile that's never left him, and it makes me more happy than I remember, "...I'm glad."

And I'm glad too. Because it's the truth. This has been a good birthday. Everything about this Wednesday has been everything I've wanted for it. Starting with my fathers 4:04 am wake up call. A tradition he's always upheld. The only ringing alarm I'll never mind. Because every year, on my birthday, at the exact second I was born, my father calls to wish me happiness. Because my father always has to be the first.

Because he wishes it more than anyone.

Work was business as usual. Except for the smiles. They were bigger today. Truer. So were the greetings. More warm. More giving than the usual good mornings. Genuine conversation flowed from those who usually only wanted something from me. It was nice. It was refreshing. And towards the end of the day, they got me a cake. A strawberry one. It was pretty and thoughtful and even though they do it for every other employee on their birthday, it made me feel kinda special. Even though I hate strawberry cake, I ate my slice through a smile.

Because I'm realizing it's the little things in this life that go a long long way.

My mother even called. I didn't get a chance to answer; too busy eating through the little big things of life. But as I breezed out of the office, ready to continue with the nights festivities, I found her voice mail, surprised she cared enough to leave me with anything at all. Forcing my hands to tremble as they dialed instinct numbers. As a lump grew in my throat the size of Texas. As I prepared to listen to whatever she might give me, knowing this was the closest thing to a gift. Knowing this was the gift. Because these days, any acknowledgment from my mother means far more than any piece of jewelry ever could. So there in the hot and empty parking lot, I listened to her gift. Her measly, but everything, acknowledgment. I listened to her hurried and nervous voice. I listened to her resistant love inside cryptic words and faux indifference.

And through her sighs, I heard her. For the first time in months I heard my mother. My mother who loves me. I heard that love. I heard it with relief.

Because no matter what we've gone through. No matter what she's said. No matter what I've felt. At the end of the day, her approval and love means more than I wish it did. Even when I still wish to never become her. I still need her.

And it's funny how life works that way sometimes.

By the time we [Madison & Jack, Aiden & Kyla, and Clay & Chelsea got to Water Street for a fancy dinner, I was already smiling wider than I probably have in longer than any of those people smiling back at me at that very dinner table could remember.

Including me.

Because I could see it in their faces, between the flickering of small candles and through the warm glow of dimmed lights. I saw the way they looked at me. I saw the way they loved me. And I felt how much I loved them. Because finally, finally I was home, surrounded by the people I care about most.

And finally I felt right to be there with them. Finally I felt accepted.

But mostly, I was finally accepting myself.

"I think it's time for another shot, whatdya say?" Aidens green eyes could warm this entire bar with how warmly he looks my way.

With the way he's always looked at me, never with any judgment. Even when we dated, and fought, he always looked at me like I had already won. Like I'd win any disagreement. Even when he found out about certain discretions and certain brunettes. About people I was certain he knew about all along, only to find I gave him more credit than he deserved. I gave Aiden instinct he never inhabited. Making his "You and Ashley?? That's so hot!" more endearing and comforting than I ever imagined.

And now, as he looks at me like he's always known me, with nothing but love, I can't help but smile, nodding my head with a good natured... "Do I even have a choice?"

With a wink, he leaves me in true Aiden fashion, shouting "Nope!" over his shoulder.

And I can't think of a better way to wrap up this night. This birthday. Right here at O'Neills. Because in a town full of bars, we always find ourselves at the same one. We always set ourselves inside this one. No matter what. And I love that.

I love that on a week night, a hump day Wednesday, when work will beckon far too early the next day, my best friends are with me. They're with me at this very bar, buying shots, and toasting drinks. They're here with me, divulging themselves, even though they're the ones who will have to wake up bright and early the next day. Unlike myself, they don't have tomorrow off.

But they're here with me, celebrating, for me. And I'll never forget it.

"How's my little birthday girl doing?"

Madison squeezes in close to me, and I can tell...she's definitely divulged herself tonight. She's divulged herself far more than me, the birthday girl.

"Just peachy now that my little lush is here." Smiling towards her easy face, I playfully pinch her perfect cheek, earning myself a clumsy hand swat.

"Spence. Mind the face. Some of us actually have to work to look this gorgeous..." Sarcastic but somehow still serious, she looks around the bar as she chirps, "...we're not all born with perfect faces, like you."

Smirking, with a faint blush, I can't help but shake my head. "Shut up."

Silence falls over us, both in our own worlds. Both happy and content. Madison kind of leaning into me, nowhere near realizing it, and it's alright. Because she's got the "five wine lean" going on, and without that, my night wouldn't be close to complete. My birthday celebration wouldn't be right without a tipsy Madison by my not as tipsy side.

Because that's how it always goes. And I love it.

"You opening the shop tomorrow?" I ask with genuine interest, turning inwards, finding her attention anywhere but this booth. Her eyes are fixed on her boyfriend schooling a bunch of strangers in pool. Her eyes shine a spotlight of love on him. And I might feel kind of jealous of that kind of love if I hadn't kind of experienced that kind of love already.

"Yup. Seven a.m. inventory. The joys of owning a clothing store."

She sighs, but she's not looking at me as she says this. In fact her eyes and voice are so far away that I wonder if she's even talking to me. But that's ok, we're here to forget work, not discuss it. We're here to forget reality.

If only for a little while.

And then, reality invites itself to my birthday night. Reality stares at me. I can feel it. Someone's eyes on me. Eyes that I've come to understand and know and dislike. Because they push too hard and probe too far, and I'm not open to that. No one's allowed to look at me that way.

No one, but her.

"Madison..." Whispering harshly through gritted teeth, I shuffle closer to her chuckling body, feeling uncomfortable and vulnerable, "...she's staring again."

"Who?..." Madison erupts in a steady giggle, and I know the line she's about to deliver will be quite the 'zinger' "...Aiden?"

Ahh, good one, Madison.

But even I can't help the laughter pouring from my trying-so-hard-to-be-serious lips. Thoroughly enjoying her self amusement and self sense of accomplishment. My attempts at anger and discomfort are futile, as my chuckling over rides any strength in my voice.

"You know who..."

"Oh..." Madison finally joins me at this table. Actually, she finally joins life on this earth, instead of whatever world she and Jack live inside, looking to me with apologetic, that aren't really all that sorry, eyes. "...Carmen."

"Yes, Carmen. Did you really have to invite her tonight?"

"Yeah, sorry about that. She was all alone when we locked up the store and she's new in town and I felt bad..." Squinting towards the small brunette in question, she continues solemnly "...To be honest, I didn't think she'd take the invitation seriously."

Bull. Shit.

"Bull. Shit. Maddy." I laugh, seeing through her words like glass, "...this is the like fifth time you've felt bad and thought she wouldn't take the invitation seriously."

"Ok, fine you got me!" She raises her hands in mock defeat, not really caring all that much "...so maybe I wanna set you up! Maybe I wanna see you happy! Sue me!" Her escalating voice softens, sincerity filling the spaces between as she looks at me soberly, laughter a thing of the past, "...I didn't realize that was such a bad thing, Spence."

I sigh. I sigh deeply. Because she's just being a good friend. Because she has tried setting me up. Because that's not such a bad thing. Not such a bad thing at all.

"It's not a bad thing. I'm just..."

I'm not ready for that. I'm so far from ready.

"You're not ready, I know." And she knows it, she knows it better than anyone. Better than me.

"Yeah..." I whisper, while nodding solemnly, a damper instantly falling on our night. On my night.

"You know, it's actually for the best. You can do way better. As we've already seen..." Silence fills the table, a thick flooding silence, cause we both know exactly who she speaks of, and I wish for the flood to stop cause it might lead me to my own flood of tears...

And once again, Madison knows, quickly interjecting, with newfound humor.

"I mean look at those bangs!" Her eyes squint, in pretend disgust, towards a now oblivious Carmen talking with an even more oblivious Kyla, "...those bangs are so seventh grade. And she's so small and looks so young, seriously, I'm surprised she even got into this place. I.D. and all, you couldn't take her anywhere. So really, it's a favor to all of us that that love connection will forever remain disconnected."

Like that, Madison's made me smile. Madison's released the damper, and as if on cue, Aiden strolls back to our table.

"Did someone call Jose? Cause I got me some Cuervo!" Rolling my eyes at possibly the lamest Aiden line ever, I still can stop the wide smile forming on my face. Forming on all our faces, Madison more so than anyone.

And as we down our tequila, feeling the burn in my throat, my eyes find Carmen this time. I'm the one looking now. Because truthfully she is pretty. Honestly, she is sweet. And kind. And maybe it would work between us. Maybe I shouldn't be so quick to reject her.

Maybe I wouldn't if it weren't for the fact that I'm already wrapped up in someone else.

If it weren't for another pair of eyes. Eyes that are always on me. Eyes that aren't even here. That haven't been here for a long time.

But they still won't let me go.

Because she's still everywhere. Ashley is absolutely everywhere in this town that once belonged to me, and me alone. I lived her longer on my own than I did with Ashley. But it doesn't matter, because the truth is, I only truly started living the day I mistakenly walked into a coffee shop that would forever change my life.

And ever since then, no matter where I'm stepping, she's there.

No matter how many times I've walked inside this very bar, this very O'Neill's, she is here. With or without her, all I feel is Ashley. All I smell is her strawberry shampoo mixed in with the drinks on bar mats. All I see are her eyes draped and staring on every blank wall.

And maybe that's why I love being here. On this night. On my night. Where I can live in the memory. Where I can drown in the feel of how those eyes used to look in on me. Because this is my night, and I have the right.

Because I didn't invite reality to this party.

I don't know if it's cause of my internal train of thought. I don't know if it's cause of those eyes that aren't there, or that strawberry shampoo that is nowhere to be found, but I sense Madison drawing closer. I sense Madison picking up on my disconnection.

And as she leans towards my ear, whispering somewhat drunkenly into my ear, I feel myself crumbling just slightly. The cover up caving in.

"She didn't call, did she?"

Because it hits me that just cause I didn't invite reality, it doesn't mean she won't just invite herself. It doesn't mean she won't just barge her way in, like she always does. And all I can do is nod a very sad nod. Because she didn't call. Because she didn't even text. Or email. Because I thought that maybe, just maybe, on my day, she would.

But she didn't.

"I'm uh..." And I can't be here with that realization, with those eyes of my closest friends looking at me, knowing just how I'm feeling, "...I'm just gonna grab another drink."

Before they can stop me and insist that they'll get it, I'm up out of that booth. I'm up and heading straight for the bar. Because maybe I don't wanna think about those realizations. Maybe I don't wanna think about anything that's really happening.

Maybe I want to drink to forget.

Sliding up to that weathered bar, maybe I wanna drink to remember.

-----------


The sun pierces perfectly through an open window, sending shimmers of light and waves of Lilac into this breezy room. Where she stands in the middle, timid and alone, staring into a full length mirror. Looking more beautiful than I've ever seen her. Veil and all, she is breathtaking. On her wedding day, I've never been more happy to see her.

Standing in the quiet open door way, fitted inside my suffocating dress [for reasons other than it's material I can't help but look at her. Knowing she has no clue I'm here. Knowing I need this moment to last as long as it can. Because I like it this way. Seeing her without her knowing it. Seeing her how she really is.

"Wow." Breathes from my awed lips, not able to sustain it, and she jumps, quickly turning to face me, hand held over her chest.

"Oh God!" She sighs, relieved, continuing through laughter, "You scared me."

"I'm sorry." Whispers bashfully from my embarrassed lips, slightly turning into myself with a bowed head, suddenly feeling insecure for staring.

"You know you never have to apologize, Spence."

Her warm and welcoming voice safely draws my scared eyes back to hers. Seeing her looking at me so strangely, making her words seem deeper than what their surface would suggest. Making me feel like maybe, just maybe, she knew I was watching.

Maybe she felt my eyes on her, without even knowing it.

"You look..." I trail off, searching for just the right words for the vision before me, while my eyes look at her more lovingly than I want them to, but I can't help it anymore.

"I know, I know, it's too much."

But she beats me to it, as she always does, turning back to the mirror. She fiddles around with her veil, nervously and maybe insecurely, and while it's given me an out from speaking openly and honestly, I can't let her think that. I can't let her believe I was gonna make a sarcastic statement instead of a heartfelt one.

And it was going to be heartfelt. So much more heartfelt than this heart of mine should be able muster. This heart of mine that feels so overwhelmingly small on this day.

"No..." Walking slowly into the room, I stand just behind her, staring at her through the mirror that reflects my own eyes, knowing just how intensely my blue bores into her brown, "...not too much..." my voice drops so low, it's almost a whisper "...but beautiful."

Once again I have to lower my eyes, unable to see hers, even if it's through glass, because it's the closest thing to a confession of love I've ever muttered. And as I chance a glimpse back towards the mirror, I find her turned around, staring straight through me. I find her looking at me so moved and gracious, that if this were a perfect world, it'd be her own confession of love.

"Thank you." It comes out throaty, and rough, and with so much emotion, with so much more swimming beyond the surface, that I can only smile softly in return.

Something suddenly flutters low in my stomach. Something that shouldn't be there. Because this is her wedding day. This is my brothers wedding day. I should not be looking at her this way. And suddenly that fluttering escalates, because it seems like maybe, just maybe, she should not be looking at me this way.

And of course it turns me into a stuttering, subject switching fool.

"Uh, yeah, so I, um, brought you something."

"Really?" Her eyes light up, like a kid on Christmas morning. Maybe happy for the diversion, maybe happy for the 'something'. Either way, the air is light again, and I'm thankful for it.

"Yeah. I mean, I have no clue how this maid of honor stuff works.." I cringe inward with the title, even though I'm laughing on the outside, solely because she is too "...but here..." handing her a box, almost throwing it to her, "...your 'something new.'"

"Aw, Spence." She looks down at the small box in her hands, as if that in itself were gift enough, "...thank you..." and it kind of breaks my heart for how sweet she is. For how grateful she already is, without even seeing what's inside.

"You do realize you have to open it to see what it is, right?"

And I can't help but joke about it. I can't help but kill the moment. Because that's how I deal with this wedding stuff.

"Shut up!" She orders, playfully, offering me another thoughtful smile, before opening her gift.

Before seeing just how heartfelt I can be, when I'm not hiding from it.

"Oh my god..." Her eyes spark and light as she pulls the small silver necklace from the box. As she holds it up to the glimmering sunlight, displaying the small delicate letters tied to the middle. The meaningful, heartfelt lowercase script 'pb' bound to such a strong chain.

Watching her watching what might as well be my heart in jewelery form, I feel myself blush, wishing I could regret giving her something so meaningful. But as she looks to me, with shimmering eyes, mouth trying to form a smile through overwhelming emotion, I know I could never regret giving her this.

I could never regret giving her my heart. And inside this room, with just the two of us bathed in sunlight, lilac, and regret, I know that is exactly what I've given her.

"Spence, it's beautiful." Eyes dance over the letters in mid air once more "...so beautiful..." whispers from her sweet lips as her eyes crawl back to mine, smiling wider than I've ever seen them, before she wraps me in a hug. Before she wraps me so far inside herself, that I think I might lose myself there.

And as she whispers "Thank you, Jelly" directly into my neck, sending shivers down my spine, I know it's too late. I know I've already lost myself. I've been lost inside her for longer than I can remember.

"You're welcome, Peanut." I say it so softly, loud enough so only she can hear, even though we're all alone. Even though we're so tightly pressed to one another, that she can probably hear every one of my stuttered breaths. I'm sure she can feel every one of them, because I can feel every one of hers. I can feel the way they shorten and stint together.

I can feel the way our perfectly pressed dresses might just wrinkle under such pressure. Under such wrong circumstances. Because her hands aren't just on me any more, they're around me and through me, with fingers that dance across my neck. With fingers that stroke me in a way that shouldn't make me feel the way they do.

With fingers that shouldn't stroke me in the first place.

With fingers that pull me from her, needing the space, because I still think I can escape her. Because I still think that distance could stop the heartache.

Because I'm still that much of a fool.

But she stops me. Before I can fully unwrap myself from her perfect wedding dress, with a beautiful perfect body and mind to fill it, she cups my face in her hands. Cupping it inches from hers, with eyes that stare into mine, occasionally flicking down to my lips. Occasionally making my stomach flip flop with the way they flicker. Because why are they flicking in the first place? Why is she still holding me, so close? Why is she drowning me in the deepest waters?

Waters I'll never resurface from, because why would I ever want to with her looking at me that way?

"I love you, Spence." It's so broken and honest and unabashed, and I can't help but reply "I love you, too, Ash" in the same voice as we just stand there.

We continue to stand there, unmoving, with my face held between her hands, as if it were unimaginably valuable. We keep standing there, longer and longer, closer and closer, and I briefly wonder if time has stopped. As she leans her forehead against mine, both our eyes closing, I briefly wonder if this is even real.

Because how can she be doing this? How can I let her? How can I let myself?

"PB & J..." She whispers, and I know her eyes are on mine, I know because I just feel, so I look to her, finding just what I suspected "...you and me, Spence..." Her words dance all over my lips, sending me into a mess of tingles and shivers, as her thumbs brush over my cheeks "...always."

Tears I never even knew were there roll down my red cheeks, as I nod. As I whisper "always" right back inside her. Just like that, reality hits us, sending us into a swarm of awkwardness and discomfort. Because we've never been this close. And she's still holding me, and I'm still letting her, and time is still unmoving when in actuality it's racing by us.

When in reality, time is running out on us and the moments where we should actually be doing this.

So when she looks at me once more, her face so close to mine that her two eyes look like one, I have to swallow, hard. When she licks her lips, terrifying me with a possibility I still don't believe could ever happen, I have to pull her hands from my cheeks.

And as I say "Congratulations, Ash, I wish you nothing but happiness." I can barely get the words out between such heartache, having to turn and walk away from her.

Having to walk away from her eyes that need me to stay.

Having to live with my own eyes that will never believe it.

-----------

"So what'll it be?"

Blinking repeatedly, I need a moment to come back to this dark bar. I need a moment to find my reality. I need to register this very nice bartender trying to take my much needed order.

"Um..." Leaning over the ledge, letting my fingers tap nervously across the wood [for a reason that feels outside of my own memories, my eyes scan the bottled selection. "I'll have..."

Stuck with indecision, and not sure why, I think long and hard about what I want. Still living inside memories, and certain brunettes, and nights inside this very bar, I feel myself needing so much more than a drink.

I feel those eyes that aren't even here. I feel them on me. I feel them boring into me. So it's no surprise that when I lean even further over that Ashley bar, I order an Ashley memory.

"Kettle on the rocks, please."

The bartender turns his lips inwardly, nodding his head, as he smirks an "Impressive."

Returning his smirk, I'm ready to reply with my own replaying memory, knowing the true meaning will be lost on him. Knowing I'm about to deliver a line that only one other person could understand.

"Maybe she's trying to impress tonight."

But someone beats me to it. She beats me to it. Like she always does and turning in slow motion, I find her there. I find her right there. More real than ever, Ashley stands so far but so close to me.

And just like that, my life shifts into gear.