Something was bothering the Commander.

Tessa couldn't put her finger on exactly what could possibly be bothering Cullen, but she knew something was wrong.

He looked almost ill after she returned from her trip to the Hissing Wastes. She noticed his hands had started to shake during the meeting after her return and his skin was pale. She knew it had something to do with those headaches he claimed were nonexistent.

Something was wrong and she was going to get to the bottom of it.

"Foolish man, he's probably working himself to death and getting sick in the process," Tessa grumbled, marching toward the Commander's tower.

She knocked on the door and stepped in when she heard a firm reply. Peeking her head in, Tessa stared at the scene before her in bewilderment.

Cullen was standing near his desk, his hands were firmly planted on either side of a wooden box and he was staring at what was inside.

"Jim told me he saw you heading up here," he said quietly, finally glancing up at her.

Tessa frowned and stepped into his office, shutting the door behind her.

"As leader of the Inquisition. You…" he let out a sigh and looked down at the box again. "There's something I must tell you."

Tessa arched a quizzical brow. She stepped closer to the desk. "Whatever it is, I'm willing to listen. You know that," she said, trying to make the tense feeling in the room more light.

Cullen sighed again and stood straight, resting his hands on his sword. "Right, thank you." He paused and took a deep breath. "As you know, lyrium grants Templars our abilities," he rested his hands on his desk again, looking at that damned box, "but it controls us as well."

Tessa nodded. Where was he going with his? She already knew about the Templars and their lyrium addiction from her time at Ostwick. Her brother already complained to her about it the few times she was able to find him alone. She also remembered how her grandfather would occasionally chug down a draft when he thought she wasn't around.

Cullen continued. "Those cut off suffer—some go mad, others die."

Unfortunately, Tessa knew that as well. As far as she knew, her grandfather was still alive, but she didn't know if he was well or not.

"We have secured a reliable source of lyrium for the Templars here. But I…" he paused again and Tessa could feel like she could cut the air in front of her with a knife it was so tense. "I no longer take it."

Tessa felt like Iron Bull smacked her over the head with one of his fists. "You stopped?"

"When I joined the Inquisition," Tessa saw his fists clench on the table. "It's been months now."

The Inquisitor was now irritated. "Cullen, if this can kill you…" Maker, she didn't even want to imagine that.

"It hasn't yet."

He must have been going through so much pain. Tessa bit her lip as she saw how Cullen was frowning down at the lyrium kit. Gavin had explained how he felt from not having lyrium for one week and it sounded horrible. Cullen had been doing this for months.

"After what happened in Kirkwall, I couldn't…" He looked up at her, amber eyes meeting her own. "I will not be bound to the Order—or that life—any longer. Whatever the suffering," he stood up straight again. "I accept it. I would not put the Inquisition at risk. I have asked Cassandra to…watch me. If my ability to lead is compromised, I will be relieved from duty."

The Inquisition without Cullen? That was like imagining Dorian without his mustache. Iron Bull without his eye patch. Sera without her laugh. Cassandra without her disgusted noise. Varric without Bianca. Vivienne without her bitchiness. Blackwall without his beard. It wasn't imaginable. Tessa stepped closer to the desk, reaching out and closing the box, forcing him to focus completely on her. "Are you in pain?" she asked, looking for something—anything—in his eyes that could tell her the truth. She knew he wasn't going to tell her.

"I can endure it."

They stared at each other what seemed like hours and Tessa forced herself to stand up straight and she made her way toward the other side of the desk. She leaned back against it, clasping her hands in front of her. Should she let him do this even though this could kill him? She now started to recall how her grandfather's hands would shake the same way Cullen's did. How there seemed to be a hungry, haunted look in his eyes on certain days. She didn't want to see the man in front of her go through the same thing.

This isn't about what you want, this is about what he wants, a voice hissed in her mind.

He started to look toward the box again with an expression she couldn't name. She reached forward and rested her hand on his cheek, forcing him to look at her. The feel of his stubble on her skin caused goose pimples to rise up on her arms. Thank the Maker she was wearing her long sleeved tunic. "Thank you for telling me. I respect what you're doing."

He let his breath out with a heavy whoosh. "Thank you, Inquisitor." He paused and reached up and took her hand in his, lowering it away from his face. "The Inquisition's army must always take priority. Should anything happen…" She watched his throat bob as he gulped. "I will defer to Cassandra's judgment."

Tessa nodded and stared down at her hand enveloped in his. His hand was so much bigger than her small one and Tessa began to wonder what his must look like underneath the gloves he always wore. Would they be covered in scars and calloused? Would they be pale?

"Can you promise me something?" she asked, looking up at him again.

Cullen's brow pinched as he nodded.

"Promise me you'll tell me if you're in pain or anything. I want to help you, not stand by and watch it happen."

Cullen started to shake his head. "Tessa I—"

Tessa didn't want to do this, but she felt that she had to. "That wasn't a suggestion, Commander."

He held her gaze evenly for many moments before sighing. "I know better than to argue with you, Inquisitor."

Tessa squeezed his hand. "You're my Commander and my friend. I want to help you get through this."

His eyes widened and a small grin came to his lips. "Thank you, Tessa."

Tessa made a quick note in her mind to study how lyrium affected non-mages as soon as she left his office.

She didn't want to see what happened to her grandfather happen to him.