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CHAPTER 25

"One does not kill oneself for love of a woman, but because love - any love - reveals us in our nakedness, our misery, our vulnerability, our nothingness."

Cesare Pavese

CATHERINE POV

"I'm not helping you commit murder or something, am I?"

Sara smiles slightly, sending me a look before continuing along the rocky path.

"The vic had all these brochures from this park in his home," she says over her shoulder. "This particular trail was circled on all of them."

"So you're wondering if there's something special out here that attracted the vic's attention."

"Yup."

"So, this isn't considered being out at a scene?" I broach tentatively.

"I'm off the clock," she states evenly. "My shift ended two hours ago."

I shake my head even though the stubborn brunette can't see me.

"Well, I'm so glad you invited me along," I mumble as I wipe more sweat from my face, squinting my eyes against the blazing sun.

Sara tries to hide her smile when she turns.

"It's just a few more miles, Cath."

"Miles?!"

Taking the offered water from Sara, we both look around us.

"It's beautiful," I state, trying to catch my breath.

Sara nods, eyes taking in the landscape. It's mostly rocky desert, but there's a series of waterfalls cascading down the side of the steep rock face in front of us.

"Here," I offer, handing her the water.

She moves to take it, wincing slightly at the action.

Clearing her throat, she turns away.

"You alright?" I question, knowing she's likely praying I didn't just see that.

"Yeah."

Seeing her hand subtly trying to hold her side, I, despite my own complaining, realize how difficult this hike must have been for the brunette.

Also, I feel my heart sink as I think about what would happen if she had a seizure all the way out here. With this heat, this distance, there's no way we'd be able to make it all the way back to the car.

I don't even want to try to look at my phone to see if we have cell phone reception.

"Stop."

Sara's smoky voice draws me from my thoughts.

"Stop worrying about me," Sara says quietly. "I'm not as fragile as you think."

I shake my head, meeting her eyes.

"I don't think you're fragile at all, Sara," I tell her honestly. "Quite the opposite."

I send her a look. "I think you're one of the strongest and most resilient people I know," I tell her. "But you're also one of the most stubborn," I admit. "And that combination scares me sometimes."

Sara looks away.

"It scares me to think what would happen if you had a seizure out here and I couldn't do anything to help."

Sara's gaze moves over to me.

"It's not your responsibility."

"So you keep telling me."

Sara swallows.

"They have me on a new medication."

"Yeah?" I question, grateful for the information. Sara's usually so closed off about this type of stuff that I appreciate her compromise.

"How long?" I ask her.

"Two days."

"Seizures?"

"Not yet."

I nod, taking a deep breath.

"I hope it works out," I tell her genuinely.

I want nothing more than for the brunette to be able to have her life back. She didn't deserve what those monsters did to her. And, she certainly doesn't deserve to still be paying the price, and perhaps paying the price for the rest of her life.

"Me too," Sara whispers, hand absently tightening her grip on her side.

"Does it…" I trail off quietly.

Sara's eyes lift to mine.

We're both quiet, the sound of the water trickling through the rocks the only noise around us.

"Can I…?" I broach hesitantly, taking a couple tentative steps closer to the brunette.

"Why?" Sara questions quietly. "Why would you want to see…?"

"Because I see it anyway every night in my nightmares," I confess.

"Catherine," Sara breathes out. "You can't do this to yourself."

She slowly moves closer to me, reaching out to place her hand gently on my arm.

"You can't let those bastards affect your life like this."

She looks me in the eyes, "I'm fine. We made it out of that hell. And now we need to go on living our lives. If not for ourselves, than for the girls that didn't get that chance."

I nod tearfully, glancing up at her in surprise when I feel her fingers gently wipe the moisture from my face.

She waits a few moments, watching me carefully.

"You alright?" she questions.

"Yeah," I tell her, squeezing her hands. "Thanks."

She nods, separating herself from me and putting some distance between us.

Taking a deep breath, she glances around.

"What do you say we head back?" she questions. "I think what attracted our vic here was simply the beauty."

I nod, taking one last glance around at the stunning scenery before following Sara along the path back to the car.

The minute we pull into my drive, my blood runs cold.

Heart hammering in my chest, I register Sara looking at me curiously.

"You okay?" she questions in concern. "Who is that?"

My features pale, my hand fumbling for my seatbelt.

"I'm fine, Sara," I tell her, trying to keep my voice steady. "I'll see you later, thanks for the ride."

Sara watches me curiously, eyes following me as I get out of the car and make my way to the house.

"What are you doing here?" I question, keeping my voice low.

"Catherine," Ben states quietly. "You can't expect to tell me what you did over the phone and not have me come out here to talk with you about it in person."

He looks tired, hurt, confused.

"I think I deserve at least that much."

"Of course you do," I tell him. "Which is why I told you I was going to be heading back out to Washington to talk with you more."

"Right, and also to pack your things apparently."

He shakes his head, "Sorry, but I couldn't wait for that."

Pinching his temples, he looks at me, blue eyes troubled.

"Please, Catherine, you have to tell me what's going on."

"I told you," I state quietly, hating to see his hurt expression. "I've decided to come back to Vegas."

I look up at him.

"This is where my heart is, Ben."

I shake my head, wiping tears from my eyes for the second time today. "I'm so sorry."

"What happened?" he asks, his own eyes looking tearful. "I thought we were doing perfect together."

He swallows. "I thought you were happy."

"I was," I tell him sincerely. "I really was."

"What changed?"

"I changed," I tell him honestly. "This whole ordeal out here….it made me realize I only have so much time in this world."

"Right," he whispers. "And you don't want to spend it with me."

"Ben," I plead. "Don't do this. I'm trying to be honest with you here. I'm not trying to hurt you."

"Well," he states quietly. "I'm sorry for feeling hurt by my fiancé telling me she no longer wants to spend the rest of her life with me."

I hear a jingle of metal to my left.

Eyes shooting over, I notice for the first time that Sara had gotten out of the car.

"I'm sorry…" she whispers, stunned eyes moving from between Ben and I.

"You looked upset," she mumbles. "I wanted to be sure…"

Sara glances between us one last time before she readjusts the keys in her hands and steps back.

"I'm sorry…" she offers one last time before retreating to the car.

"Sara!" I call, but the brunette doesn't even pause.

Quickly getting into her Tahoe, she closes the door and is out of the drive before I can register this turn of events.

"Where is she?"

Laura looks at me, stunned at my demeanor.

"Catherine?" she questions. "Are you alright?"

"Yes," I shake my head. "No."

Taking a deep breath, I try to look past her into the house.

"Is Sara here?" I question desperately.

"No," Laura shakes her head. "She never came home for dinner. Is everything okay, Catherine?"

"I don't know," I tell her honestly. "All I know is that I need to find your daughter."

Before she does something stupid I add silently in my mind.

Sara's brilliant.

She chose the one place I would never expect to find her.

In fact, I only went there because I needed to enlist the help of Morgan.

But, turned out Morgan, and the rest of the team, were long gone.

Well, all of the team except for one.

"Are you crazy?" I question, closing the door tightly behind me.

Sara laughs.

"Probably," she says. "If the scene in front of your house was any indication."

She shrugs.

"But apparently I'm not only crazy," she says. "I'm also an idiot."

"Sara…"

"Don't bother," she says, pushing herself up from the cold metal table. The table that used to serve as the autopsy table when the CSI building first opened. Now that Doc Robbins uses the upgraded morgue the lab built about ten years ago, no one ever goes in here.

Well, almost no one.

"Hey," I call out, grabbing her arm.

"Don't touch me," Sara gets out, pulling her arm from my grip.

"And where do you think you're going to go?" I question her. "You're drunk, Sara! At work!"

"I'm not on duty."

"Doesn't matter!" I yell. "You're on the property."

"I wanted to be alone," she says. "This was the one place…"

"Apparently not," I tell her, crossing my arms over my chest. "We need to get you out of here before someone else finds you."

"We don't need to do anything," Sara counters. "There is clearly no we."

"Don't presume to know what you walked in on," I tell Sara, my own emotions rising.

"Right," she drawls out. "Fine."

She crosses her arms over her chest.

"Fine, Catherine. Tell me that man wasn't your fiancé."

She waits a pause.

"Tell me you two weren't together when you kissed me."

She waits another pause.

"Weren't together any of the three times you kissed me."

Sara's watches me.

"If you can't tell me that," Sara gets out. "Then I don't want to hear anything else."

"I ended things with him," I get out. "That's why he was here."

"Oh," Sara nods. "And that makes it okay?!"

She stares me down.

"Does he even know who I am, Catherine?" she questions.

I hesitate.

"I'm not doing this again," Sara gets out. "I'm not being the 'other woman' for someone too confused to figure out what the hell they want."

"I know what I want!" I counter sternly, advancing on her. "I told him what I want."

I grab hold of her wrist.

"And now I'm telling you. I want you, Sara."

Sara watches me, eyes a mixture of hurt, betrayal, anger.

"Why?"

"What?"

"Why the hell would you want me?" she gets out. "You have a gorgeous fucking fiancé back in Washington, where you have a job that pays three times what you ever made here…why in the hell would you want this over all of that?"

"Because I love you."

The words hang between us, echoing around the cold, metallic room.

"I love you," I get out again.

"You just think you do," Sara whispers. "Because of…"

She swallows.

"You just think you do because you feel guilty."

"That's not true," I counter.

"No?" Sara questions.

Without warning, she pushes back from me.

Stumbling slightly in her inebriation, she places herself in the center of the room.

Eyes piercing through mine, she reaches down.

Before I know what she's doing, she takes hold of her dark t-shirt and pulls it over her head.

Tossing it aside, Sara stands there before me in her jeans and her bra, arms outstretched in a position of surrender.

"Look at me," Sara says tightly. "Look at what you wanted to see before, when you confessed to me you still have nightmares about it, and tell me you're not still here because deep down you still feel guilty."

My eyes want to look away, to not look at her like this, in this vulnerable state.

But, my gaze betrays me, eyes moving from her hips up to her sides. My breathing hitches as I take in the deep purple discoloration along her left side, the bruising from her still damaged ribs.

Moving up further, I pause again at her shoulder, the gunshot wound an angry red against her pale skin. I see her collarbone, the healed bone protruding more prominently from her skin than her uninjured one. I see all her bones, her ribs, her hip bones, I see them all much too clearly than anyone should be able.

"Sara…" my voice is a choked whisper. "Don't do this…"

Sara stands there, exposed, her arms remaining outstretched.

"I can't let you choose this, Catherine," she gets out, voice strained. "Not when you have someone else offering you so much more than I can ever give you."

"I love you, Sara," I get out. "I don't love him, not how I love you."

"Do you know why Claire left me, Catherine?" Sara questions, her unexpected words catching me off guard.

"Sar…"

"I got out of the hospital," Sara says tightly. "And the first night we were together…after…" she swallows at the memory. "She saw me, saw this."

Sara forces a deep breath in.

"Then she saw a seizure."

Shaking her head, she looks at me sadly.

"I was stupid to pursue things with you," Sara forces out. "Seeing Ben today, the life he apparently offered you, made me realize that."

She lowers her head slightly.

"I can't let you choose this life over that one."

"You don't know Ben," I whisper out into the cold room. "How do you know the life he's offering me is any better?"

Sara shakes her head. "Anything has to be better than this."

Her words remain slurred and she looks like she can barely stand.

Standing, however, becomes the least of my worries when all of a sudden I note her eyes starting to roll back.

"Shit," I yell, rushing forward to grab her. "Sara!"

Catching her as she drops to the ground, I grab her tightly just as her body is overtaken by violent convulsions.

AN: Thanks for reading.