Chapter Title: Sorry

Author: archi

Chapter Summary: He let out a shallow, shuddering breath, pulling himself from the forest. There had been Charlie, curled up in Sam's side and he hadn't been able to look at her and he wasn't even angry with her but somehow his action or inaction or running or whatever he did hurt Charlie too and he bit his lip, then reached down for his phone

Dean sat on the edge of his bed. It had been a quiet evening and it was early to be turning in but what else was he supposed to do?

He'd managed to turn a deaf ear to the memories that threatened whenever he sat like this - where he'd always prayed to Cas before. He took the time now to look around. The shadows fell from his weapons onto the wall in a familiar way - a way he'd looked at, not really seeing while he asked over and over if Cas was listening.

Now he hadn't sat like this since that night if he could help it, but he'd be lying if he claimed that he never once in the last week and a half prayed to Cas. Because he had. And maybe the words had never made it from his lips but there had been a steady prayer, weaving in and out of his thoughts as they'd calmed, from the part of him that couldn't quite grasp this reality - well, this lie - asking for forgiveness, pleading with him to come back, cursing him for leaving, telling Cas about the stupid things Sam did, anything really.

But he'd felt empty inside. A great unknowable, unsurpassable nothing where Cas should be. Now...he felt his heart beating and the knowledge that Cas was wherever Charlie had taken him...hewas and had a beating heart too and something about that knowledge burned in his chest and he didn't know if it was good or bad.

But another corner of his body twisted with fear. Fear that they'd fall apart, like they had, over and over and over again, because if Cas's death had been hard the first or second or third or fourth time then watching him walk away from Dean's life by choice, simply because he didn't want to be there...well for some reason that hurt a hell of a lot worse.

He could rage that Cas had left him, but he'd left to sacrifice himself to save the world, and Dean's insides clenched in another fit of guilt because somehow that was easier than the knowledge that without anything tearing them apart, Cas might just...leave. Leave like he did, over and over and over again and he didn't have the room to berate himself for being childish because deep down he was just scared.

And yeah, it was frosted over with alternating layers of frustration, sadness, hurt, you name it, but mostly just fear that Cas wouldn't want to waste his time with Dean.

Hey lay back on his bed, closing his eyes. In his panic - in the initial shock after seeing Cas...he'd just reacted. Hadn't thought or reasoned, just ran.

Cas hadn't looked much like himself- not his usual self, anyway. Perhaps the tan trench had finally given up, because Cas had been in jeans and a hoodie and Chuck Taylors. His hair, ruffled and clearly having lost a fight with whatever flat motel pillow he was probably using.

But as much as he screwed up his eyes, he couldn't place the expression on Cas' face. Granted he'd been a ways away, and hadn't exactly stuck around. Dean breathed in deeply, taking himself back to the wood, straining his ears for the exact tone that Cas had spoken in, as if that might impart something of Cas' motives, answer the questions that Dean was afraid to voice.

Dean.

Dean.

He let out a shallow, shuddering breath, pulling himself from the forest. There had been Charlie, curled up in Sam's side and he hadn't been able to look at her and he wasn't even angry with her but somehow his action or inaction or running or whatever he did hurt Charlie too and he bit his lip, then reached down for his phone.

A few moments later he was sitting on the edge of his bed, pushing his thumb and index finger across his brow and listening to Charlie's I'm walking on sunshine ringback tone.

"Dean?"

"Hey...Charlie," Suddenly he was sure this was a terrible idea.

A moment's pause, before, "Dean I'm so sorry - I mean I'm not sorry sorry, but at the same time I am because I knew it would be - well, Castiel seriously needed time and I'll stand by that but I'm really really sorry because I knew it was hard and I watched you grieving and wanted to fix it somehow but I couldn't do both, you know and Sam asked me to watch over Cas and I tried, like, really hard, Dean to be there for him and help him recover, and...I'm just...sorry that we couldn't find a better way to bring him to you...Dean?"

He had to clear his throat, head bowed and blinking hard, "Here, sorry..."

"...are you alright?...Wow, okay, sorry - dumb question. Really dumb question," she sounded horrified and Dean almost laughed.

"It's okay," Dean assured, "I just...I didn't react well, I know that, and I'm sorry that I couldn't...I dunno. I was short with you, and I'm sorry. I know it wasn't your idea."

"I did sort of lie to you for a week and a half," said Charlie timidly, "I was just surprised there wasn't, you know, more..."

Dean laughed, "Sam thought so too."

There was another, nervous pause before Charlie's voice sounded again, quiet, but firm, "I know it sucked, like majorly...but I'd do the same again. Castiel wasn't in good shape, Dean...and I think you're angry because you could have helped, but Castiel really needed to do it himself. And you said yourself, there was - is - a ton of crap between you still. I mean I didn't need to be told to understand that, it reads loud and clear. If he'd come to you it just would have got swept under the rug, again. And you would have had the same fights, again and now...you guys can start over, deal with this crap and move on. You both had some time to grieve and refocus and I can't imagine how it must hurt but..." she trailed off.

He nodded, then remembered she couldn't see him. "Yeah...okay. Not sure I see it like that but I'll think about it - I mean, I didn't call to have you defend yourself, honestly Charlie, I'm not asking. It's Cas that asked you not to tell and I'll take it up with him. And I'm grateful to you, for being willing and there for us like that. I just...wanted to say sorry for this afternoon. Sam's used to me being an ass, but I didn't mean to be like that to you too."

"It's nothing, really, Dean," Charlie.

Dean nodded again, feeling slightly better.

"Is there anything I can do?" Charlie asked timidly.

"Naw, you're good. Seriously, Charlie...don't get me wrong I'm all turned around," his vocal cords constricted and he cleared his throat, "...but you're good."

"Oh, okay."

"Thanks for taking care of him. God knows he's an awful patient."

"I dunno, I kinda like him grumpy," there was a smile in her voice and Dean could recall the gentleness that he'd seen in the few seconds of interaction he'd witnessed between them before he'd gone haywire and felt a little warmer.

"But seriously, Charlie. Thank you."

"You're welcome, Dean...see you later?" she sounded nervous again.

"Absolutely," he said, pushing as much warmth into his voice as he could, then hesitating "I guess we'll just...we'll see. Love you, kiddo."

"Love you too, Dean."