I stared at the lifeless body of my husband, tears streaming down my face. Carlos left a long time ago, after trying for hours to help me, to get me to talk. Eventually he went back to James and to their girls, to tell Katie and mama Knight what happened, what happened to their brother and son.

I was holding his hand, the hand that used to hold me, caress my face or run through my hair. It was still warm, but I wondered how long it would take before it got cold. Cold as a dead person's.

If only I got into that room earlier and turned him on his left side, so that little bubble of air in his blood way wouldn't reach his brain. If only I got to him earlier to stop the bleeding of the cut that Daniel had been widening steadily until it almost reached his chest...

I bit my lip hard and closed my eyes tightly. I didn't want to remember it, I just wanted to forget, but everything that happened today just kept playing through my head. Scene after scene of horrible events... I just wanted to pretend Kendall was sleeping so I could cuddle up to him and sleep with him for a few hours. Just a few hours, then I would deal with everyone else. With mama Knight and Katie, with Keira and Kegan...

Oh no, how was I going to tell my children what happened to their papa?

I couldn't do that.

Salty tears made their way down my face and dripped in my lap, much like the blood that poured from the cut Kendall had in his stomach just an hour ago, but then less red. I sobbed once and leaned forward, resting my head on the bed next to Kendall's body. How could he do this to me? He promised to come back! He promised we would all be alright!

But this wasn't Kendall's fault. It was all James' fault. He had decided to keep me unconscious, he had called the police, he made a plan with them, he made sure Daniel was caught before he could even come close to Ally, he had been the fucking hero of today. Except for that little moment where Daniel had realized he wasn't going to win and made sure to take revenge before he couldn't anymore.

Just a little syringe had been enough. One little bubble of air was enough to stop the blood flow to Kendall's brain, bringing him into a coma almost immediately. A doctor would've known to turn Kendall onto his left side and keep his head lower than his body, so the bubble couldn't go to his brain or his heart, making sure Kendall stayed unharmed. A doctor would've known. James didn't. He had no idea that little bubble could have killed Kendall. Neither did the cops that stormed into the room to capture Daniel.

It wasn't until ten minutes later, when doctors had tried everything to wake Kendall up, James told them what had happened in those last few moments of Daniel's freedom. When he had harmed the love of my life, possibly for life. Kendall slipped into a coma. He would stay in it for a while too.

No one had any idea what would happen when Kendall woke up -if he woke up. He could suffer amnesia. Or his brain could be so damaged he would never be able to return to his old life. He could be blind or deaf. He could be mute. His short term memory could be damaged. Nothing was unthinkable anymore.

And it was all James' fault.

He should've woke me up, he should've let me go into that room, I could have saved Kendall. He couldn't. He was a hero now, for helping to capture a drugs dealer, rapist and suspect of several other crimes. He was a hero for saving his daughters. But what about my daughters and son? I would have to tell them papa wouldn't come home for a while, that papa might not come back at all.

The doctors had stitched the cut on Kendall's stomach and were giving him some extra blood now. They were hopeful about his situation. According to the specialist there was a big chance Kendall would wake up within a few days, two weeks at the most. Even when it took longer he was positive Kendall would wake up.

I was a lot less optimistic.

Carlos and James were outside waiting for me, but I wasn't leaving until I had to. Visiting hours were over at nine. I still had ten minutes left to hold Kendall's hand and pray he would wake up soon. I pulled my chair a little closer and put my head on his chest. The sound of his slow heartbeat making me feel a little bit better. At least he was alive.

I didn't know what I would do now. Kendall was here, James and Carlos had called mama Knight and asked her to take Keira and Kegan to 2J. Both her and Katie still had to be informed about Kendall. They knew something happened, but they didn't know what yet. I didn't want to go home alone, but as it looked now I had no choice. I couldn't stay here, the hospital wouldn't let me. James and Carlos were going home with their girls, tomorrow they would start the process of adopting Ally since her dad was going to jail and her mother would be going into rehab.

The door opened again and Carlos smiled at me sadly, he didn't have to tell me for me to know it was time to go. I gave a short nod and Carlos closed the door again, giving me time to say goodbye. "I'll be back tomorrow," I whispered and ran my hand through his hair. "First thing tomorrow morning, I promise."

For a while I just looked at him, debating with myself if I should make a scene until they let me stay here with him tonight. But I knew they would never let allow me to. Gently I put his hand under the blanket and pulled it up to Kendall's neck. "Wake up soon, okay? I don't want to lose you, not before you saw Kenzie on her fiftieth birthday."

My eyes filled with tears at the thought of Kenzie never meeting her father and I stepped closer to Kendall again, not sure if I was emotionally able to leave him. Every cell in my body screamed I had to, that I had no way of surviving just a second on my own, that it would be exactly like those horrible ten days in that dirty hotel room when Kendall told me to leave. Back then I hadn't even been able to get out of bed for anything other than bathroom visits.

But I had to go now. Keira and Kegan needed me, I couldn't curl into a ball and rock from side to side, waiting for Kendall to come running to me. I had to be there for my children. "I love you," I whispered and leaned in to kiss his forehead. "Take your time, get better. But don't take too long, I can't handle being without you for long."

With that I turned around and left, promising him and myself I would be back tomorrow. That was the longest I could possibly stay away from him. James and Carlos were waiting for me outside the room, holding each other's hands. James looked really guilty, he was about to say something but closed his mouth after the look I gave him. It couldn't have been a glare, I was too tired and depressed to produce one. Maybe the misery I felt was visible in my eyes. That made sense.

"Let's go home, girls," Carlos said quietly. Lizzy and Ally got up and took each other's hands. My eyes remained on the little red haired girl, the little girl we saved today, at cost of the love of my life. We should have just given her back to Daniel, we should never have start looking for her. Than none of this would have happened. Kendall would just have gotten his surgery, his kidney would have been removed and everything would have been fine. Everyone would have lived.

But no. If we hadn't done anything Ally would still be with Daniel, at the start of what would have been a horrible live. No one deserved that, I couldn't imagine what I would feel if Keira would be in her situation. I probably would have done the same Bonnie did; try everything to get her away from that.

I followed the family of four to the car, trying not to start sobbing at the sight. James and Carlos held hands, Lizzy and Ally too. I had every right to be jealous of them, right? In ten little minutes they took what I had: a complete family. One with two parents and two children. Instead I was now alone with two children and one on the way.

James and Carlos sat in the front after helping their girls in the backseat. I took the remaining seat in the back, next to the window and Lizzy. As soon as Carlos drove the car onto the high way he grabbed James' hand. Ally had fallen asleep, her head resting in her sister's lap. I could imagine this had been quite the day for her.

At that moment I would have given anything for Kendall, to have him here, to hold his hand. But the fact that he wasn't, was why I felt so miserable. I folded my arms around my bump, at least I wasn't really alone. I had Kendall's daughter. And Keira and Kegan would be home again tomorrow, before I went to Kendall I would pick them up from the Palm Woods and take them with me. Especially now I wanted to keep us all together.

"Is the baby kicking?" Lizzy asked softly.

"No, she's sleeping, Lizzy."

"Then why are you feeling?"

"I just don't know where else to leave my arms."

"Oh," She said. "Are you sad?"

Was I sad? I was a little more than sad, but she didn't need to know that. "I'm a little sad, but it'll be fine."

None of the children had to know how miserable I felt. I could pretend to be strong for them. But only for them.

Lizzy nodded and leaned into my side, quickly falling asleep like her sister. I stared out of the window for the rest of the ride. Once we got home, James and Carlos each took a twin and said goodbye, leaving me alone.

I went home, to my empty, uninviting house. Maybe I could take a warm water bottle with me to bed, to replace the warmth that usually radiated from Kendall's body. And I would need a few more pillows to help me sleep with this bump. God, I needed Kendall. I needed Kendall so bad.

I went to the kitchen to boil water for my hottie, wondering what did ever go right in our life. So far not that much. I slumped down at the table and buried my head in my arms; I could lose Kendall. There was a possibility I would never see him smile again. Never feel his arms around me again, never get a kiss from him again.

New tears welled up in my eyes. I was away from the children now, I had no reason not to cry. In fact, I had every reason to cry. I couldn't even drink to forget the fucking pain! Kendall had to wake up. He had to.
I thought about the past night, how much I had wanted to crawl inside his skin and never get out. Kendall had been so amazing, confident and strong and warm and caring. Everything I needed and loved so much about him. My overprotective, possessive, impulsive love.

The water was done and I poured it all into the hottie, not caring I burned my fingers. It was nothing compared to the fear of losing Kendall. I went on my way to my bedroom, but stopped when I realized I didn't know if I would be able to sleep in that bed all alone. The bed I'd always shared with Kendall.

Yes, I had slept alone in it before. When I was tired, but Kendall wanted to finish watching the hockey game, but then I always knew Kendall would come up soon and I would wake up with his arms around me. Or when I didn't feel good and took a nap sometime during the day; I always knew Kendall was close. That he would come back.

I bit my lip and slowly walked upstairs, dreading the moment I would lie in bed and not be able to fall asleep. I needed Kendall.

Everything was dark upstairs and I didn't turn on any lights. It would just make me see things, things that reminded me of Kendall. I didn't want to be reminded of him, I just wanted to forget. At the same time, he was all I could think about, the man I missed so much already and wanted by my side more than anyone.

It hurt either way.

Carefully I opened the door, expecting monsters to jump at me. Well, they might as well have. Our bedroom window gave a perfect view on James' and Carlos' bedroom window. Normally that wasn't a problem, but now, when I saw the silhouettes of James and Carlos hugging behind the curtains it hurt more than I could describe.

James' figure was shaking and it looked like Carlos was comforting him, which I hated. Murderer didn't deserve to be helped, didn't deserve to cry. He still had everyone he loved, he even gained a daughter by losing Kendall!

Carlos pulled away and took James' hand, pulling him away from the window to where I knew their bed was. I didn't want to see anymore, so I turned around and turned on the light, effectively making the visions disappear. I didn't want to watch as they made love and I sat here all alone.

I bit my lip and glanced at our bed, feeling another wave of pain wash over me. I didn't want to get in and the desire for Kendall grew every second I looked at it. The bed was exactly like we left it this morning, unmade, sleep shirts just thrown onto the pillows...

I sat down on the bed and grabbed the shirt Kendall had worn to bed last night. It was white, at least one size too big and had holes in it, but Kendall loved sleeping in it. It happened regularly that I stole Kendall's shirts to sleep in, especially now with a bump this big it didn't fit into my own clothes anymore. But he never let me have this shirt.

I took off my own shirt and purposely didn't look at my bump. I didn't mind it when it was covered, but I hated looking at it when it was just my skin stretched tightly around Kenzie. I feared stretch marks, though I never had them before. Kendall said he thought this was my most beautiful bump so far.

I pulled Kendall's sleep shirt on, loving how it still smelled like Kendall.

For a few minutes I just sat there, playing with a hole at the hem Kendall always played with when he wore this shirt. Then I realized where I was sitting and I rushed to the bathroom, away from the big scary bed I didn't want to sleep in alone.

Twenty minutes later, when I really didn't know what to do in the bathroom anymore, I went back into my bedroom and stood in front of my bed.

I couldn't do it.

Hoping this was all just a nightmare and tomorrow I would wake in Kendall's arms, I sank to the ground and started sobbing quietly. It was not fair. Kendall promised it would be fine. I had told him about my bad feeling this morning, he should've listened to me...

It was like for every minute of happiness we had, we had to pay ten minutes of misery.

I couldn't do this.

I couldn't sleep without Kendall.

I didn't know how long I'd been sitting there before the door opened. "Hey, buddy," I heard a soft voice say and I looked up, straight at Carlos. I shook my head and pressed it back in my knees, not caring it was rude to ignore Carlos. I just wanted Kendall.

That was until I felt his hands on my arms and he pulled me up with a strength that had always surprised me. "C'mon, get in bed," He said softly and guided me to the bed, to the side where Kendall always lied. I did as he said and sat down, then laid down when he pushed against my shoulders.

I held Kendall's pillow against my stomach, finding it actually very comfortable to rest my bump on it. Carlos was still in the room, doing something I didn't care about. The light turned off and the door shut. I thought he left, until the mattress dipped and he crawled in behind me, his arm wrapping around my waist. It was awkward for a moment, because he clearly wasn't used to the stomach like Kendall was and he had no idea where to leave his arm. I helped him, because clearly this felt good and I could use a good hug, so I pulled his arm up until it was around my chest.

"This is strange, I never cuddled with anyone who was as short as I was. Or pregnant."

"Me neither," I whispered back, glad the awkwardness was gone.

"We saw the light was still on and we were worried about you," Carlos said quietly. "You can come to us if you need help or want to talk or something, okay? Even in the middle of the night."

I nodded and squeezed his arm, prizing myself lucky with the amazing friend I had. Not James, but Carlos was great.

"Logan, James is really sorry about what happened."

I didn't say anything. He was sorry. Good for him. It didn't give me back my love.

"I know that must be really hard to buy, but he was really upset and it took me ages to get him to talk to me. If he could've done today differently he would have."

It was hard to stay mad at James, but then I remembered that I was alone and he wasn't.

"When we saw you were still awake he practically kicked me out of bed and ordered me to go here and make sure you were okay. He would've come himself, but he didn't think you would appreciate it very much."

I chuckled softly, but it sounded more like sobbing. Carlos rubbed my arm and I squeezed back, telling him I was alright. "I'll talk to James tomorrow," I whispered.

"Thanks," He said quietly. It was silent for a while and I realized this was better than being alone. Carlos was a really sweet friend. "How about James and I come help you finish the nursery tomorrow? It has to be done at some point. Do you still need to do a lot of shopping?"

I bit my lip. I'd hoped Kendall and I could do the nursery together, but really that dream bubble should've burst when we found out he had cancer. And it had to be done, like Carlos said, I couldn't wait until the last moment or until Kendall woke up, because maybe it would be too late. I was at the beginning of my seventh month, the c-section was scheduled at the end of the eighth month. I had no time to wait.

"That's okay," I whispered. "Then I'll get the old baby clothes and toys from the garage."

"Anything else you'll need? Pacifiers, diapers, formula, bottles, blankets?"

"All that," I mumbled.

"Alright, then we'll go shopping for that too sometime soon."

I nodded, but felt panicked. Were they going to keep me busy every hour of every day? Because I wanted to see Kendall. I wanted to be with him rather than I made a nursery or shopped for baby stuff. It was really sweet of them to do all this, but if they really wanted to help me they would let me be with Kendall instead of talking about all this shit of going on with life as normal as possible. I couldn't, damn it. I had to be with Kendall.

"Of course we'll stop by the hospital tomorrow too. James actually had a really good idea; he thought we should make a bunch of pictures and put them next to his bed, then we'll still be with him a little when we're at home."

I tensed up at the thought of Kendall being there all alone and cursed myself for being so incredibly selfish. I wasn't the only one who was alone, he was alone too. He didn't even have his friends around, because they were here helping me. James had had a moment of genius-ness when he thought up this idea.

"We'll take a picture of the three of us, one of you with Keira and Kegan, us with the girls, all children together, one of each of us alone. We can ask Mama Knight to do the same, get a picture of her and Bitters and also one with Katie and Dak and their kid. Kendall will love that, won't he? Seeing all of his family members when he wakes up."

"Yeah," I said quietly. Kendall would love that.

Carlos stayed quiet after that and I wondered if he'd fallen asleep. I guess he had, because Carlos usually wasn't this quiet. He never was. I stared ahead of me and tried not to think of Carlos too much, instead pretending the shorter body behind me was Kendall who had shrunken 6 inches. Carlos would go home tomorrow, to James, and they would cuddle together, maybe even make love and give each other a sweet kiss before snuggling even closer and falling asleep.

I wanted that too with Kendall, my amazing husband who was now on the edge of dying and all alone in a hospital. Kendall never slept well when he was alone, until a year ago he couldn't even sleep without touching me in some way. I wanted to be there for him now, like he had always been there for me, but I wouldn't even blame him if he gave up on life and moved on. So far I'd been a terrible husband, I deserved every minute of this hell. "Logan, what does Kendall do to comfort you?" Carlos whispered, startling me. I hadn't realized I was trembling as I tried to keep the tears back.

"He s-sings," I whimpered, immediately feeling like a weak baby. I was a grown man for god's sake! I should be able to suck it up and take this like a man. Maybe Carlos was right all along and I was more woman then man, but that thought only made me cry more.

Carlos didn't say anything about my weakness though, he started singing softly, some song I didn't recognize and it took me even longer to realize this song wasn't English, but Spanish. His voice wasn't like Kendall's at all, it wasn't as boyish as Kendall's, but a lot deeper, though the same amount of warmth came from it. Somehow, it was enough to make my feel sleepy and I closed my eyes, drifting off not much later.

Waking up in the morning was one of the hardest things I had ever done. Sometimes when I went to bed angry or sad I forgot all about the reason why in the morning, this time though, I couldn't forget. It was everywhere. I woke up feeling cold, no arms around me to keep me warm, no hot body pressed against my back. I never woke up alone, Kendall always stayed in bed until I woke up. That was just how it was.

I'd slept for a long time though, it was noon already. I wondered why Keira and Kegan hadn't come here to wake me up, but Carlos was probably still here to take care of them. Maybe James was here too now, with Lizzy and Ally... Was I ready to see the twins? Was I ready to face the reason I was going to lose Kendall?

I definitely wasn't.

I had to use the bathroom, an unwelcome effect of being pregnant. Pregnant with Kendall's baby, my gift to make it up to him for leaving him... It hurt too much to think about that. Slowly I walked from the bed to the bathroom, trying not to look around at everything that reminded me of him. I had been right last night, everything was easier when it was dark. At least then I couldn't see what I was missing out on. Everything reminded me of him, even the floor. How often did he walked here? Going to take a shower or just finishing one? Kendall showered every day, so it must have been a lot of times...

When I'd done my business I looked in the mirror above the sink. I looked terrible, which wasn't really surprising... I suddenly felt the great urge to take a shower. Maybe I would warm up a little then, if I closed my eyes the hot water might even feel like Kendall hugging me...

Normally I would already have gotten a kiss from him by this time, a hug, a soft squeeze in my hand, his hands on my stomach to feel Kenzie move. Now? Nothing. I longed for it already, after just a day. The doctors said Kendall would stay in his coma for at least four days, maybe even a week or two. How was I going to do that?

It would have been so much easier if everything had gone right. If Daniel didn't basically kidnap my husband and almost killed him. Then Kendall would have woken up last night and I would've talked to him. Then when I went home, I would miss him, but I would know he was alright and alive and I could go see him in the morning with Keira and Kegan.

Now I didn't just miss him: I feared for his life. And mine. And Keira's and Kegan's. And definitely Kenzie's life that didn't even start yet. I couldn't imagine what it would be like to grow up without a father. Actually I could, my father hadn't been around that much either, but it sucked and I didn't want that for her. She deserved to grow up with both her parents, just like Keira and Kegan. And Lizzy and Ally.

In the shower I sat on the floor and cradled my bump the best I could, leaning against the wall as I got wet. I just wanted to sleep until Kendall woke up. I wanted to be in a coma too and wake up at the same moment Kendall did, so we could be together again. Then he would say he had missed me and we would curl up together and think about nothing but each other. That's what I wanted right now too. I wanted to be with Kendall, happy because the surgery was a success and we were going to live happily ever after, with our three children and James and Carlos with a complete family as well.

The door opened a little bit and Carlos' head peeped around the edge, his eyes covered with his hand. "Hey, James and I made lunch, but we heard you go in the shower so we decided to wait for you. Are you coming soon?"

"Y-yeah," I said softly, while all I wanted was to scream no and run to the hospital to be with Kendall and hide under his bed until he woke up.

"Keira and Kegan are still at mama Knight's, but maybe it's better if they stay there for a few days longer?" He proposed.

My babies. I wanted them back home. I wanted to have everything that was valuable to Kendall around me, make sure nothing happened to them. And they were all I had left at the moment. "I want them home," I told him.

"Okay then. We'll go get them after we ate and then go to the hospital." Carlos left me alone again.

Ten minutes later I was finally ready to come out of the shower; ready to hide my tears for James and Carlos and my children. Tonight I would cry again.

Deciding what I was going to wear wasn't too hard. I had only one pair of jeans left that actually fit and I pulled the shirt Kendall wore the day before yesterday out of the hamper. It still smelled like Kendall and I didn't care what others thought. I missed Kendall and this way I felt a little bit closer to him.

While I was pulling on my clothes I was trying to think of what I would say to James. I didn't feel like talking at all, but maybe I could tell him I didn't really think it was his fault. Then he could stop worrying about that and leave me alone. I wanted to be left alone. I wanted to go to Kendall, hold his hand for a while and tell him how much I loved him and wanted him to wake up, then go to the Palm Woods, get my children and sleep with them in one bed tonight, maybe then I wouldn't feel so alone when I went to bed tonight. Carlos probably wouldn't want to stay another night.

I heard James and Carlos talking quietly in the kitchen as I slowly walked down the stairs. I wondered when they got here, what they did while I was still asleep. But I didn't care about it enough to really think about it. I just wanted Kendall back. I didn't get Kendall back by thinking about what my friends were doing in my house.

James was standing at the stove while Carlos was pouring juice in three glasses. I heard the television in the living room and assumed Lizzy and Ally were watching TV over there. My tallest friend looked up when he saw me and immediately tensed up. James looked terrible, as if he didn't sleep at all the past night. Which could actually be true.

"Logan, I…"

I forgot everything I thought about telling him and just hugged him. I could use a hug. James too. It didn't matter what he did anymore. What happened yesterday was really unfortunate and only Daniel's fault, no one else's. Not much later Carlos joined in too and suddenly we were three friends again, wondering if our fourth friend would come and join us again.