The Bliss of Denial

The preacher began his sermon, on a dreary Tuesday morning, on the grounds of the cemetery where John Witter would be laid to rest. The friends and family sat in the white chairs outside, facing the closed glossy casket, in grief. A light snow slowly fell from the pearly-grey sky, as the chill in the atmosphere matched that of what was in the hearts of the grievers.

Joey sat devotedly by her husband and gently held his hand. They were located in the second aisle from the front, close to Gretchen, Caleb, and Connor. The now widowed, Mrs. Witter, sat in the front with Doug, Jack, and Aimee by her side. Carrie, her husband Rich, and their three kids completed the first row along with the Witter family.

Joey watched as her mother-in-law sniffled with despair while Jack tried to comfort Doug from completely breaking down as the preacher concluded his speech. Joey studied Pacey, whose eyes were on the casket as it was lowered into the ground. She tried to study his expression, but couldn't read what was going on in his mind or in his heart.

Fear loomed in the pit of her stomach as she had waited for days to watch him fall; watch him break-down with the news of his father's death, but it never happened. Pacey did all the "appropriate" things. He stood by his mother as she picked out the black casket, and held Gretchen close as the tears of devastation wracked through her body. He even arranged to have a wake after the funeral, at his restaurant, for family and friends. Pacey appeared to be the perfect son, holding it together for the sake of his family, but Joey knew her husband better. He had the biggest heart of anyone in that family and even though he wouldn't admit it, he was hurting. Joey just sat and waited anxiously for the other shoe to drop; for Pacey to break-down and grieve, and when that time comes, she would be there and hold him close and try to take all his pain away.

XOXOXOXOXOXO

Joey sat at a table, in the restaurant, with Bessie, Dawson, and Anne as they attended her father-in-law's wake. They observed the setting around them in silence, sipping on their warm thick drinks, too consumed in their thoughts to speak.

The restaurant was full that afternoon, and the mood was somber. People wondered around the room talking, crying, and just plain mourning.

After a few minutes of awkward tension, Dawson broke the silence, "You know… We have got to stop meeting at this restaurant like this."

"I know," Joey agreed, looking around the depressed room, "The restaurant is starting to develop a permanent ominous feel around it."

Anne and Bessie nodded in agreement as the group fell silent again.

"So how are you holding up Jo?" Dawson asked, watching her closely.

Joey closed her eyes with that question and took a deep breath. She really hadn't had time to process how she felt about this situation. She was so worried about Pacey's reaction that she didn't have time to put her own feelings in perspective.

The only thing that kept popping into her head was how she had come between Pacey and his father; much like she had come between Dawson and Mitch… Only this time, things were much worse for Pacey… At least Dawson knew his father was proud of him and loved him… Pacey would never have that luxury. She looked down as she fought another onset of guilty tears…

She swallowed the lump in her throat and answered the best way she could, "It's not important how I feel. It's just important that I'm here for Pacey…"

Bessie gave her sister a stern look and was ready to argue, but decided against it as she saw Joey look down in shame.

They sat in silence again as Joey looked back up to see Doug break-down and leave the room. Jack quickly followed him as Grams took Aimee, who was crying, not understanding what was going on.

Bessie observed what had just happened with Doug and asked her little sister with concern, "How's Pacey holding up?"

Joey's eyes wondered across the room until she found her husband. He was talking to a few men who had worked with his father many years ago. He had a smile on his face and she still couldn't tell what was going on in his mind, much less in his heart. In fact, he seemed to be happy and joking with the men... But then again, that was Pacey. He would always put his own feelings aside to make another person smile.

"Well, he hasn't cried, he hasn't yelled, he hasn't shown me any kind of remorse," Joey explained as she continued to watch Pacey in the distance, "But you know how grief works… It just probably hasn't hit him yet…"

Dawson smiled and nodded in understanding, "I remember going through that…"

"I do too," Joey agreed and took his hand, "At that time, I could tell you were hurting, but with Pacey… I just can't see anything. He's so closed off…"

"Just give him time Jo," Bessie stated reassuringly.

"I know… And I will… It's just the longer this goes, the more I fear when it does hit him, he'll fall hard… And I'm scared he won't let me help him back up…"

"We all have to work through death in our own way Joey," explained Bessie, "And when he's ready, he'll come to you and he will let you help him…"

A smirk appeared on Anne's face as she recalled, "For me, when my mother died, it didn't hit me until a week later. Literally, I felt fine all through the funeral and wake; granted I had a few teary moments, but I knew she was in a better place. Then one day the following week, I was coloring with my niece, Madison, when she asked me what her Grandma's favorite color was. The question hit me like a ton of bricks. I was not at all prepared for it and just began to sob… My poor niece ran from the house and got our neighbor because she thought I was sick…"

"That poor little girl…" Bessie commented.

"I know…" said Anne with a smile, "Maddie was afraid of me for weeks and wouldn't come near me. She still has trust issues at times…"

"Well right after my mom died, Bodie and I became serious," Bessie explained, "I was just out of high school and he was there to support me and Joey throughout the whole ordeal. You remember that Jo?"

Joey smiled and nodded, "I don't know what we would have done without him… However, Dawson was my savior when Mom died…That's when I started going over to the Leery's as much as I could. I think I practically lived there for a year…"

"I remember that," Dawson laughed, "That's when Pacey got jealous of all the time I was spending with you and started to tease you more."

"Yeah but you want to know something ironic?" Joey stated through a mischievous grin, "Pacey actually came over to my house after I got back from the emergency room a few hours after my mom had died. He must have heard it on his dad's scanner or something, because he knew before anyone else did…"

"Really?" Dawson asked with a raised brow, wondering how he never knew this piece of information.

"Yeah." Joey replied with a large smile, "Pacey will probably kill me for telling you guys this, but he came over that day, on his bike and knocked on my window. I wasn't happy about seeing him, but he refused to leave, so I climbed out of my window to talk to him. He was really quiet and didn't say much, but I noticed he had something in his hand. When I confronted him about it, he opened his hand to reveal a golden locket. He told me it was his Grandmother's and his mother had given it to him when she had died. He said he was really close to his grandmother and that the locket helped him through his pain. He hoped that maybe it would help me get through my pain too…"

"Twelve-year-old Pacey Witter did that?!?" exclaimed Dawson in shock.

"Technically, he was thirteen Dawson," corrected Joey with a grin, "But yes. Pacey did that."

"Well where's the locket Jo?" Bessie cornered, "How come I've never seen you with it?"

Joey laughed, "Here's where the story gets interesting… I put the locket around my neck and offered Pacey ice cream in appreciation. It was so strange to me that Pacey was actually being nice to me, that ice cream was the only thing I could think of to take my mind off of what was happening. The ice cream was a mistake, because as I was looking for a spoon in the drawer, I came across Mom's grocery list. I fell to pieces staring at the peach parchment with her dainty hand-writing on it, and somehow managed to get ice cream all over my shirt. Pacey was confused as to why I was crying, but held me. After it seemed like I had no emotion left in my body, I realized how messy my shirt was and left to go change. I didn't even tell Pacey where I was going and just left. Looking back, that was probably my next mistake. As I took off my messy shirt, I saw the quilt my mom made for me on my bed. Just then, Pacey entered my room, unannounced, and stared at me in shock. At least I think it was shock because the next thing I know, I'm running to find comfort in his arms and he backs away. I was confused by his reaction and saw where his face was bright red. I looked down and saw I was only wearing my bra, and what was worse, I saw that Pacey had gotten excited because of it."

Anne burst out laughing, "So Dawson wasn't kidding when he said sparks flew between the two of you back then…"

Joey smiled and nodded, "I was so embarrassed and angry by his reaction that I took off the necklace and threw it at him. I accused him of being a pervert before I decked him."

Dawson smiled and exclaimed, "So that's how Pacey got that black eye!!"

Joey grinned, "Yes… And I haven't really thought about that in years…"

"Haven't thought about what in years?" Pacey asked as he put his hands on Joey's shoulder's and massaged them affectionately.

Bessie and Anne chuckled as Joey answered quickly, "Oh it's nothing sweetheart…"

Dawson raised an eyebrow as he observed his two best friends. He couldn't believe he hadn't heard this story until now.

"Well, are you ready to go Jo?" Pacey asked tenderly, "Gretchen and Caleb are going to lock up for us, so I thought we could go home."

"Yeah sure, Pace," Joey answered and slowly rose from her chair, "Whatever you want to do…"

"Well, we'll see you guys later! Thanks for coming!" Pacey exclaimed as they walked out the door.

XOXOXOXOXOXO

Several hours had passed since Pacey and Joey had left the wake. They had spent most of the afternoon and evening cuddling on the couch, watching a movie. Now, they sat at the table in silence as they ate their supper.

"Pace?" she asked gently, not able to take the tension between them any longer.

"Hmm?" he asked as he took a bite of his pasta.

"How are you feeling?"

Pacey smiled and shook his head, "Oh great Jo… Not you too…"

"I'm just worried about you Pacey and I'm scared…" she admitted honestly.

"Well don't worry about me Jo. Everything is ok… Life and death happens. There's no point in dwelling on it…" he replied and then took a drink from his glass.

Joey sighed, wondering if what he was saying was true. She picked at her pasta and didn't feel so hungry anymore.

"What…? You're not going to eat?" he asked when he saw her stand up and carry her plate full of pasta to the sink.

"I'm just not hungry Pacey…"

Pacey stood up and stopped her, "This is what I don't like, Jo… Him having this affect on my family from his grave… You know it's not good for Little Witter if you don't eat and I'll be damned if I have to watch him hurt you or our baby from the hell he's burning in."

"PACEY!" Joey shouted in shock, "You don't mean that!"

"I'm sorry Jo," he stated quickly, watching tears fill her eyes, "I probably shouldn't have said that…"

Joey started to cry and Pacey took her in his arms.

"I'm sorry Jo," he said again in a softer tone, "Look. That baby is part of me in there and I know how a Witter's appetite is and I would hate to see you waste the perfectly good linguini I prepared for us tonight over something that is a natural part of life…"

He paused and watched as she seemed to melt into his arms. He didn't like the stress she now seemed to be under and was silently growing angrier with his father. He rubbed her back to try and sooth her as she sniffled into his shirt.

"It's ok Jo…" he whispered next to her ear, "I love you so much sweetheart."

Joey sniffed and wiped her eyes as she pulled away from his shirt, "I love you too Pacey. I just… I-I feel so bad about the way things ended-"

"-Jo there is nothing we can do about it now," he stated simply, wiping away her tears with the pad of his thumb, "Right now, he's gone. He's not hurting anymore, and I'm not hurting, so I most certainly don't want you or our baby hurting for that matter. Because we are here now and alive; the three of us… I want us to be happy Joey, and I can't be happy when you're so sad…"

Joey tried to look into his deep blue eyes and read what he was saying was the truth. However, she still couldn't tell. His eyes were a steely-blue and his emotions were just as closed off to her as they ever were. She felt an ache develop in her heart.

"Ok Pace…" she said gently and tried to smile, "If that's what you want, then we'll be happy…"

He smiled contentedly and hugged her. He gently kissed her forehead before guiding her back to the table.

"Ok Jo," Pacey teased, "I know I felt Little Witter kick a few minutes ago, so it's time you feed the baby…"

Joey rolled her eyes as he sat next to her and grabbed his plate.

"You aren't going to feed me are you?" she asked with a slightly bemused expression.

"If that's what it takes then yes… I'm going to feed you…" he smirked and twirled some pasta on his fork.

"This is pathetic Pac-" she started to say before he put the fork in her mouth. She chewed the food as she watched him grin and wrap some more pasta around the fork. She swallowed and grabbed the fork from his hand.

"You know you're lucky Witter I feel sorry for you tonight, because after what you just did, we would probably be taking you to the emergency room to remove the fork from your body…"

Pacey furrowed his brow and teased, "So you're feeling rather frisky tonight, are you Mrs. Witter?"

Joey placed the food in her mouth and glared at him as he gave her his best mischievous smile.

XOXOXOXOXOXO

Pacey woke up on Wednesday morning to a cold bed. He rolled over and moved his hands over the bed to try and find his wife, but with no such luck. He sat up in bed and watched her come out of the bathroom, fully clothed and ready to go out.

"Going somewhere?" he inquired, watching her sit at the end of the bed and put on her shoes.

She looked back at him with an uneasy grin, "I have the appointment with Dr. Sydney today, my OB-GYN.

Pacey looked at the clock and saw it was a quarter after nine. The appointment was in forty-five minutes.

"Joey! Why didn't you wake me up?" he demanded, throwing the covers off his body and getting up.

"I just didn't think you'd want to go under the current circumstance, Pace," she explained, standing up defensively.

He grabbed some jeans from his dresser drawer and headed for the bathroom to quickly get ready.

Joey knocked on the bathroom door and handed him his navy shirt. He was brushing his teeth as Joey began to apologize, "It's not like I don't want you to go Pace. I just didn't know if you needed some time alone…"

Pacey spit out the toothpaste and rinsed his toothbrush, "Joey, if I want time to be alone, I'll leave…"

Joey took that the wrong way and walked out of the bathroom. He caught up with her and saw she was getting emotional again, "I didn't mean I was going to leave you or our family, I meant that I would leave temporarily… But I don't need to, Joey. I'm fine."

Joey frowned and looked down, "There just isn't a manual on how to deal with these things… And every time I have gone through something like this, each situation is different and scary. I just hate this feeling like everything is going to come crumbling down if I make the wrong move or do the wrong thing…"

Pacey embraced her gently, "You can't do the wrong thing Jo…"

She smiled as she felt the baby kick. He must have felt it too for he pulled away and placed his hand on her tummy, "Hey Little Witter… Are you ready for your picture today?"

Joey felt the baby respond to the movement of his hand and the sound of his voice. It was very strange. She never realized a baby could grow an attachment to someone who wasn't the mother. But this baby was. Every time he was near she felt the baby stir. And there was no doubt that when he talked or applied pressure to her abdomen that the baby felt it and kicked in response. It was amazing the relationship Pacey was creating with his unborn child. She never thought it was possible…

Pacey smiled at his wife when he felt the baby kick under his hand. He moved away from her and left to go put on his shirt.

XOXOXOXOXOXO

Joey sat on the soft cushiony table in the doctor's exam room, while they waited for the doctor to come in. She was wearing a pink hospital gown and had a white sheet covering her legs up to her waist. Pacey held her hand, sitting on a metal folding chair beside her and tenderly caressed her hand.

He felt the anticipation mounting as they waited for Dr. Sydney to make an appearance.

"Are you nervous?" he asked quietly, before gently brushing his lips on the top of her hand.

She smiled and slowly shook her head, "No, not really… I'm just ready to get the exam part over with so we can see our baby…"

"Yeah…" he answered, "But I'm partial to that heartbeat…"

Joey nodded in agreement, "That is the most beautiful sound I think I've ever heard."

Just then, there was a brief knock on the door, before a tall blonde woman entered the room.

"Hello Mrs. Witter. Mr. Witter. How are the expectant parents doing today?" Dr. Sydney asked as she pulled up a rolling chair to talk to them.

"I'm doing ok..." Joey answered honestly, "I'm starting to feel the baby move now…"

Dr. Sydney pulled out Joey's chart, "I see here you are 21 weeks along. Is that correct?"

Joey nodded as Pacey squeezed her hand.

"Ok that's excellent…" the blonde stated before putting her clipboard down on the table beside her and rolling her chair over so she was now in front of Joey, "Well… Why don't we get the uncomfortable part done first, then we can move on to the fun? Sound good?"

Joey sighed, hating this part of the exam, and nodded. Joey lied back on the table and blushed as the doctor began her invasive exam. Pacey held her hand and studied her face, trying to support her. He watched as she closed her eyes uneasily and saw her discomfort. He carefully reached his hand up to her forehead and moved the stray strand of hair away from her eyes. She opened her eyes, feeling his warm touch on her skin, and turned to look at him. He smiled at her lovingly and she felt her body finally relax.

"Ok, everything looks good down there," Dr. Sydney added as she rolled her chair to the trash can and threw away her plastic gloves.

Joey slowly sat up, with Pacey's help and put the sheet around her waist again.

"Has everything from your accident healed ok Joey?" the doctor asked with concern, picking up her chart to take notes.

This question came as a surprise to Pacey. He had temporarily forgotten about her accident and suddenly felt angry.

Joey felt Pacey's hand tense up and answered quickly, "Oh yes… Everything has healed just fine…"

"Good… Now Mr. Witter," Dr. Sydney began, as Pacey looked up in bewilderment, "What would you like for me to do first? Get pictures of your baby or listen to the heartbeat?"

Pacey smiled and looked at Joey before stating with pride, "Heartbeat. I want to listen to the heartbeat…"

"Ah-ha. A usual favorite among fathers…" she answered and stood up to prepare the proper machine.

Pacey smiled as he watched Joey lie back on the table again. Dr. Sydney lifted her gown and exposed her swollen abdomen. He suddenly felt an unfamiliar emotion lurking in the pit of his stomach as he watched the doctor move the wand over Joey's stomach to find a heartbeat. He swallowed hard as the feeling became more intense. He fought the thoughts overpowering his mind now and tried to focus on the baby.

The more he thought of the baby the worse the feeling got. It was starting to become painful so he let go of Joey's hand and stood up.

"Pacey…?" Joey asked, slowly sitting up, noticing his face was growing pale, "What's wrong?"

He shook his head and asked Dr. Sydney, "Do you have any water?"

Dr. Sydney pointed to the sink where a plastic cup dispenser was located and told him to help himself.

With a shaky hand he took a cup and placed it under the faucet. He brought the cup to his dry mouth and closed his eyes trying to calm himself down. When he had finished all the water in the cup he heard a soft 'swooshing' noise fill the room.

He threw away the cup and sat back down close to Joey. He tried to smile and be happy, but with each repetitive 'swoosha' noise, the monster inside his stomach began clawing at his insides.

Joey beamed when she heard her baby's heartbeat. She looked over at Pacey, expecting to see the same feeling of joy she was feeling, only to notice he was now growing paler.

"Are you sure you're ok Pacey?" she asked nervously. He didn't look good. He didn't look good at all.

Pacey gave her a smile, she knew wasn't sincere, and nodded his head.

"Your baby's heartbeat is strong Joey. You have nothing to worry about there…" Dr. Sydney said confidently as she took the wand away from her stomach and cleaned up the machine.

Joey smiled in response, but was more concerned with what was going on with Pacey. She balanced her weight on her right elbow and took Pacey's hand with her left.

He looked up at her as his eyes were growing dark and scary. She didn't like what she was seeing and wanted to leave.

"Picture time!" chimed Dr. Sydney with excitement, rolling the sonogram machine over to Joey.

Joey continued to study Pacey. His hand were growing sweaty and she could have sworn she felt him tremble slightly.

"Ok Mrs. Witter, lie back and this will be a little cold…"

Pacey continued to fight the demons that were swirling around in his body, making it hard for him to think, to breath, to concentrate. He took a deep breath and willed himself to remain calm.

He watched closely as Doctor Sydney moved the wand over the jelly on Joey's stomach. He looked to the screen and immediately the form of a small baby appeared on the screen. He couldn't take his eyes away from the monitor.

"Here's your baby's head," the blonde explained as she pointed to the screen, "And it's little feet and Oh-"

Pacey swallowed hard as he watched the screen. He could see the baby moving, he could see its little body and its little life. That awful, agonizing emotion, which was wracking through his body, moved painfully slow, up to the large lump in his throat.

"Would you like to know the gender?" Dr. Sydney asked cheerfully as Joey smiled at image on the monitor. She had already decided she didn't want to know what she was having, but giving Pacey a quick glance, she saw the horror on his face. She furrowed her brow and looked at the monitor again. Maybe knowing the gender of their baby would make Pacey feel better.

"Sure…" she said hesitantly, watching Pacey struggle to breathe.

"Look right there," Dr. Sydney instructed, as she pointed to the screen. "Now what do you see?"

Joey looked at the screen and smiled, "I'm having a boy, aren't I?"

Dr. Sydney smiled and nodded, "Correct! Congratulations Mr. and Mrs. Witter! You're going to have a son."

Joey's face lit up as she looked at her baby boy. He was perfect. Joey looked at Pacey, waiting for a reaction to this spectacular news. All she saw was pain in his eyes and a frown on his face.

"You're going to have a son,' kept reverberating in Pacey's mind. A son. A boy. A new father-son relationship. He was going to be the father. Just like the father he had just lost. Just like the man who had just died.

The monster in his stomach took a giant leap in his stomach and he knew he was going to be sick. He quickly let go of Joey's hand and said, "I'm sorry," before exiting the exam room, leaving his wife and son behind.

He found the nearest bathroom and unleashed the contents in his stomach, violently. He collapsed on the wall by the cubicle and began to sob. He brought his hands up to his face and cried. He had never felt so much pain in his entire life. Guilt, hate, remorse, and even an unfulfilled love, inundated his body.

His dad was gone and he would have to live with that. But how was he supposed to do it all over again? How was he supposed to become the father figure when he had failed so miserably as the son…?

He just sat in the small clinic bathroom with these thought circling his mind mockingly and cried fiercely. He found no answers, no sympathy, and no strength in that bathroom stall…

Why did he have to do it? Why did his dad have to leave without saying goodbye? Why didn't he get the chance to tell him he was sorry and try to mend fences?

Even in death, John Witter was a cruel, cruel man…

XOXOXOXOXOXO

A/N: As you now know, I flipped the coin and the fates decided they would have a boy... I was hoping for a girl (So, please forgive me Shortygirl81) but maybe next time? Right? ;) I hope you've had a wonderful Labor Day weekend so far!! Thanks for reading!