Chapter Twenty-Five: Let That Be Your Last Battlefield
Her movements were methodical, almost mechanical in nature. Rinoa stood from the bed and made her way back to the closet with unsteady footing. Quistis and Selphie exchanged another look, unsure of this sudden turn in behavior. It certainly wasn't the reaction either of them had been expecting, but honestly, what would be a correct reaction be under the circumstance? Still, it appeared that flat out denial was the easiest course for the sorceress to choose.
"Um Rinoa, I think that you should sit down." Quistis knew the situation was quickly spiraling, even if it appeared to look like just the opposite.
"No, no I'm fine. I need to get this finished." Rinoa smiled, betraying no real emotion. "It's going to take me forever to get everything done… labeled and sorted, well you know. It's just a lot of work that's all."
"Rinoa." This time, it was Selphie pleading with her friend with only the mention of her name.
"No!" the sorceress shot back angrily. At least it was emotion in one form or another. "I can't, I said. God, doesn't anybody listen around here?" The last words were rather harsh.
Once more, Quistis could not imagine the conflict taking place within her friend. To find out after all this time, Squall had held onto a token of the past, a promise of a commitment that was denied by circumstance… There was no winning in this situation; it was another loss that seemed impossible to accept.
But one major hindrance remained; a mutual understanding that was impossible to reach. As much as Quistis and Selphie loved and adored their friend, both understood that they only knew fragments of the past. It was the wall between them that had barred the friends from fully understanding the situation. They had been respectful not push the matter, however, the reality was that it now appeared that Rinoa remained in denial. It was unsettling to say the least. The fact that they were only trying to help their friend only made the situation that much more aggravating.
They were all hurting and Rinoa's vague and harsh words struck a chord within the instructor.
"You know what Rinoa? You seem angry that we don't understand but therein lays the problem. We really don't understand. Believe it or not, you were not the only one hurt by your leaving three years ago. Our problem is that the rest of us have no idea why. In our minds, we lost you a long time before we lost Squall. You make a vague statement that you somehow expect us to understand. We don't. We're here for you if you need someone to confide in…we always have been."
"I can't," Rinoa spoke defeated. Her voice sounded as she was holding back a dam of emotion blocked by the years.
"You mean you won't." the instructor firmly corrected. Her friend's once again elusive answer only seemed to irritate her more. Quistis knew her reaction may be unreasonable under the circumstances, but reason had been compromised years ago.
"No Quistis, I meant exactly what I said…I can't."
That was absurd and Quistis knew it. Too much had happened the last few weeks to play any more mind games. They were all beyond that mentally. "What do mean, Rinoa? We've always been here for you. You could have told us anything… I mean, even if we don't agree with it, or hurt by it, or if something happened outside your relationship with Squall, we'd listen. We might not like it, but you know, everybody makes mistakes."
"What? Outside our relationship… mistake? You think that I? God knows others around here think that, hell they've been saying that shit since I lived here… But you?" The final question was laced in desperation.
"Rin," Selphie admitted almost silently. "In all honesty, we didn't know what to believe. You never told us anything different, neither did Squall. Everything was just so… sudden. He was just so different at first… Please know that we never doubted that you loved him."
"Yeah," Rinoa said, closing her eyes. "But you doubted me." She inhaled deeply, unconsciously biting her lip in habit. "It's all right." she reasoned both to herself and out loud. "I would have thought the same thing if the situations had been reversed."
She contemplated both viewpoints for a moment, weighing the two realities, one the truth and one they perceived. Maybe it was better this way; this answer was much more black and white. She always knew that nobody could understand the gray. She didn't. She had always been willing to take the fall to the outside world, but what good did that do now?
"So again," Quistis reiterated, "if what you are going to tell is the truth, why can't you tell us?"
"I promised." It was barely above a whisper and Rinoa could feel herself breaking down. And god help her, she more than wanted to.
"Promised who? If it was Squall, he wouldn't want you to suffer like this. Nothing you say will go beyond these walls. It stays here." Selphie knew that he would never want to see her like this, even if she had hurt in him in some way.
Before she knew it, Rinoa felt a gentle hand upon her shoulder. She had suffered so long, caught between lies and the truth, love and war, deception and perception. She had protected the secret in life, she no longer knew if she could protect in death. Her will wasn't her own as she slowly made her way back to the bed, back to her friends. She had feared the wrath of Garden for so long and the power they had, albeit real or implied. She had given her soul to protect the truth; unfortunately, her heart still belonged to something else entirely.
"It's not really who I promised…" Rinoa said before her mind could understand her lip's betrayal. "More like a what… The strange thing is Squall never asked it of me. I just expected it out of myself. He would never ask, because if he asked then the situation would have been real. I don't know what was real to him anymore… I thought I knew. I never did."
Quistis sat there, allowing her natural patience to come through. Whatever Rinoa was saying, she didn't understand, but Rinoa did. It was a beginning, and in time, the instructor figured she would also come to understand. "Rinoa, we want to understand. Again, nothing will leave this room. We've been through too much together. You're part of our family. You may have not believed it, but you always have been."
She didn't cry. Rinoa nodded, she needed this. Garden, and even Squall, be damned. She gave them her soul, now she had to regain control before she too lost her sanity.
"Garden," the sorceress rasped hoarsely, "I promised Garden, Cid, and Dr. Kadowaki…I told them I would never tell… too much would be lost."
Quistis and Selphie exchanged looks in the other's eyes. It was one thing when it was a relationship issue between her and Squall. They had been young, and sometimes foolishness was born in naivety. Squall and Rinoa were neither foolish or naïve, but their relationship had been anything but normal. However, if it was an issue that was born out a promise to Garden, that went passed a line that neither were sure they wanted to cross… however, more than anything, they were human and they were in pain.
And damn it, they needed to understand themselves.
"If you asked me how it started, I wouldn't have a clue," Rinoa began solemnly, never looking at her friends. Instead, she turned her eyes toward the closet, for no other reason than that it was simply there. "Maybe before me, maybe after me, or god help me…maybe because of me… I don't think I really want to know. I don't think I could live with myself. I just know when everything fell apart…" she trailed off.
"Esthar?" Selphie finished for her.
"Yes." It was a confirmation Rinoa had made a million times in her mind, on a million different occasions. Still, saying it carried a sort of finality to things. "The mission to Esthar."
"He took the deaths of cadets Willis and Snyder very hard Rinoa," Quistis tried to reassure. "It is always hard to lose any life, especially under your command. It really affected him… I think that's one of the reasons nobody thought you'd leave then. It was harder for him than you could possibly know."
She held back the instinctual grunt she so desperately wanted to voice. It wasn't that simple, far more complicated than a 'tragic loss.'
"Do you believe in self-fulfilling prophecies?" Rinoa asked as she quickly glanced between Quistis and Selphie. It might have sounded hypothetical, but it was something she had wondered for three years now.
"I'm not sure exactly what you mean?" Selphie answered. "I mean I know what they are, but I… I guess I'm just confused."
"I do." Quistis simply answered.
"Well, I believe in them now too. I… I told him not to go to Esthar. Honestly, I don't know why I even said anything. I guess it was just a feeling. I should have just kept my damn mouth shut, but I… it was just too strong of feeling."
"And you asked him not to go?"
Rinoa looked at Quistis. Had Squall told someone?
The instructor shook her head, knowing what her friend was thinking. "No, he never told me. I heard rumors… you went to talk to him before he left. Some people accidently saw you guys arguing behind the trees."
Yeah, of course it was 'accidently'. Accidents were never truly 'accidents' as far as her life went. Still, this wasn't the time to get into trivial gossip. Still, at least on this particular occasion, the gossip was based in truth for once. That was more than she could say for the rest of their bullshit.
"I don't know why… it was only supposed to be a two week mission. He had things like that plenty of times. I should have never…"
"You can't second guess yourself. You did what you felt was right," Selphie added.
"You don't get it, you couldn't possibly get it," Rinoa whispered. She lowered herself from the bed to the floor, using the side of the bed to lean against. It didn't take long before the other two joined her on the ground. For some reason, she felt more comfortable down here, maybe because sitting on Squall's bed made this feel like even more of a betrayal.
Unlike the other times where Rinoa had said something cryptic, neither woman tried prodding an answer out of her. They understood that she was opening up in her own time and that she needed to be allowed the freedom to do so. Something greatly hurt her; they knew as much even before she ever returned to Garden.
"As you know, the mission went longer than two weeks. Nobody ever told me anything but I tried to remain positive although it was getting damn near impossible two weeks turned into two months and then some. Routine mission, my ass."
Rinoa paused for a slight moment, remembering how the phone rang in the middle of the night, making her fear the worst. It a phone call she had so often expected, but one that she truly wouldn't receive until three years later.
"Then, one night, just one stupid night out of nowhere, I got a call from the Headmaster to come to his office and…honest to god, I thought Squall had died. So with that thought stuck in my head as I was going upstairs, I honestly didn't expect to learn that two cadets were killed instead. And God help me…I was thankful." Even though it needed to be said, it didn't stop Rinoa from cringing at her own words. "…I just found out two people, not even seventeen years old, were killed…and I was relieved. Maybe I deserved this…"
Selphie comforted her friend as Rinoa leaned into her shoulder. The sorceress wanted to cry, wanted to feel some emotion about the situation but even after all this time, cadets Willis and Snyder were just names. She didn't know them, their families. She might have seen them that morning when she went to talk to Squall at best but even then, she was too focused on her own selfishness to even give them a second glance.
Something didn't seem right about this in Quistis' mind. Something about her tale piqued at her curiosity, having gained more of an inner knowledge of the workings of Garden by being an instructor. Knowing the nature of the political climate of Garden, she knew that Rinoa should not have been notified like she had. It would have been discovered eventually, but divulging the status of a mission and being discussed with a civilian? Even if Squall had been killed, it would be likely that she wouldn't be the first notified, or even the second or third. Garden kept its secrets tight.
The sorceress had seemed bitter toward Garden these last few days. Maybe not by words, but her actions spoke volumes. And most of all… the promise that she spoke of only minutes before wasn't to Squall, but to Garden, to the headmaster.
"Rinoa, what happened in Esthar?" Quistis asked, even though she fully well knew that crossing a line at this point could be dangerous.
"They told me I could never say… if I wanted to help. God, they didn't want to tell me, but they had no other choice. They were afraid. Can you believe that? Garden was afraid. The sick part was they could care less about Snyder and Willis, it about was their damn reputation. That's all they wanted to protect. Nobody could ever know the truth. Sometimes I wondered if they even cared about Squall. Cid had to have cared about him right? I mean, my god, he basically raised him."
"Of course he does," Selphie reassured.
"It really doesn't matter," Rinoa admitted. "I just hoped that for Squall's sake, somebody who cared would know the truth. But that's what scared them, the truth. Honestly, I didn't give a damn about protecting Garden, but I would do anything to protect him… even if that meant leaving."
"What happened?" Quistis asked, fearing the answer now.
"I don't know if I'll ever know completely, I just know what they allowed me to know. The cadets were not killed by Estharian rebels and Garden had to bury the truth along with their bodies."
"Oh God," Quistis closed her eyes, fearing what she knew now. It sickened her that maybe underneath the lies, she had always suspected that it was a possibility. Everyone had pushed and pushed and some people would eventual break. She had seen it firsthand a few times, but never to this outcome.
"What?" Selphie was lost, having no idea what was going on. It seemed to her that she was now the only one out of the loop.
"They told me he didn't remember everything and at that point, he remembered nothing. They wouldn't even allow him to come back to Garden right away. They said there was a problem with the radio. They blamed technology rather than psychology."
"You mean…?" Selphie trailed off, hoping that she misunderstood.
"Whether miscommunication, circumstance, or something deeper…. It wasn't Estharian bullets that killed the cadets. It was Squall."
"No, he wouldn't do that!"
"No, Squall wouldn't. Whoever that was on the battlefield wasn't a person, just a shell. They pushed and they pushed and you can only push so far before something breaks. He wasn't indestructible. There was no right or wrong, it was just survival instinct. His orders were to hold position and for some reason, he believed the opposite. I learned later… he advanced. The three of them were under fire, so he instinctively fought back against the enemy. Only problem was… there was no enemy, just the one he saw in his mind. Something snapped and reality blurred…I guess. It was instinct, it was a survival mentality."
"Squall…" Quistis managed thinking about his past. He had overcome so much, had excelled way beyond his years, had saved the world at seventeen, had fought battles and seen bloodshed that no child should ever see. By eighteen, he was sending others into battle, to live or die, to be names and numbers on a piece of paper – to be statistics. Every one of them at Garden had played their part — he wasn't immortal.
"But Rinoa, he needed you more if that was the case."
"I would have helped him through anything, but when he…" she gasped for air. It was all so painful. To tell the others would be nearly impossible. She had doubted her actions for years and now…they would doubt them too.
She had wanted to see him, but at the same time, she was afraid to face the truth. Everything had changed. There was no going back and it would be a long road for them. She opened the door to his office, fearing the unknown. The thing that struck her the most was that nothing seemed to change. He was behind his desk, thumbing through papers.
He looked the same, he was the same.
It didn't take long for him to look up. She wanted to smile to reassure him that everything was all right. They would work through this together but what she saw in his eyes was something unexpected: hatred.
"You… get the hell away from here."
Who was this man? She was frozen in place. She had been wrong, nothing was the same and…she knew at that instant, nothing would be again. He stood from the desk, knocking over papers in the process. She had seen him angry before, but this was something far deeper.
"Are you happy now?" he bitterly asked, "Your mind games worked."
"What," she stammered, "I don't know what…"
"Oh, now you play innocent. You wanted me to stay at Garden; you wanted me to be with you all the time. You wanted everything from me, now you got it. You hated what I did with my life, my job, you hated everything about me. I'm never going to be good enough for you, am I? Everything's over. You might as well have pulled the trigger yourself."
Her heart froze. He was blaming her? When she didn't answer, he grabbed her wrist forcefully. She winced in pain as he continued, "I didn't chose between you and Garden, so you made me. I'm weak, that's what you think, isn't it? They said you would turn, and I didn't want to believe it. But you did. You killed them. I hope you can live with yourself, sorceress."
She was sure he was going to break her wrist, but nothing compared to the sting of his words. The door flew open and Dr. Kadowaki ran in with Cid.
"Get her out of here," the doctor screamed at the headmaster.
Squall snapped out of what trance his revulsion had induced and dropped her wrist. He vaguely remembered seeing Cid grab Rinoa, nearly dragging her from the spot. She looked so frightened and god help him, he didn't care. She deserved this. It was her fault. If she had never come along, he would have never doubted himself. She made him weak. He couldn't get her words out of his head the entire trip in Esthar. He would hear her beg him to stay each night before he fell asleep. He remembered his fear of betrayal, that she would leave him. She would. That is why he could never ask her to marry him; she never understood what he was. Before her, life made sense. Now it was filled with rose pedals and false promises.
When they were back at Cid's office Rinoa finally managed to speak. "Squall... he's-"
"What in the hell were you doing?" Cid angrily chided Rinoa. "What were you trying to do back there, besides making this all worse?"
"I don't know…"She was still in shock. Who was that man in there? "I heard he was back, I just needed to-"
"That's the damn problem, 'you needed.' Squall doesn't need you around right now. You are the last thing he needs right now. Didn't anything I told you the other night sink in?"
"Yes, but I want to help him and-"
"You can't help him. Not right now. Don't you get it? We're still trying to figure out what we're dealing with… outside influences are no help right now – especially the ones that appear to be the trigger."
"Stop Cid," Dr. Kadowaki walked in the room, "This is difficult on everyone." She turned to Rinoa. It wasn't with sympathy, but it certainly wasn't filled with the anger that the others seemed to hold. "Right now, we don't know what he is thinking. It's going to take a hell of a lot of time to sort through this. What we are dealing with now is someone who is very confused between truth and reality. We should not have left him in combat so long. We'll learn from this. We just can't have the truth be known, it would ruin all he's worked for."
Rinoa angrily replied, "He's twenty one years old and you don't give a damn what you are doing to him. As long as it makes Garden look good… that's the bottom line, isn't it?"
"Miss Heartilly! You will watch your mouth," Cid countered. "You are still a guest at Garden, and at this moment, you are an unwanted one by many parties involved. I know that you are hurt by this, but at this moment, we cannot overlook the part you play in his mentality. We need to keep this quite, and at the moment, you are causing more concern than anything."
"Oh my God… you're going to… you're not going to change a thing, are you? You think that you can just cover this up, and go on as if nothing happened. You don't want to help him. You just want to keep him as an asset."
"You could never comprehend the gravity," the headmaster said maliciously, "I do. Don't you think that I understand everything about this situation? He may be your knight, but I can guarantee you know nothing about him. You may think your bond is stronger than anything. It's not. He will respond to us. It's the only thing he truly knows."
"You made damn sure of that, didn't you?" Rinoa refused to believe him. She knew Squall loved her. They would overcome whatever fallacies Garden had drilled in his head. He was more than a name and number on a piece of paper. If she left, he would follow her. In her heart, she knew this; they had promised. Squall was a knight before he was a soldier. Garden was wrong.
"This is the only life he's known since he was five." The doctor offered, was it an excuse or threat? "He needs help, Rinoa. We have dealt with situations like this before; we know what is best for him. Whatever caused this… setback… we can't have it happen again."
Cid had made this choice in his own lifetime. He left Edea. It may not have the right decision, but it was the only decision he could make. He did know the pain Rinoa was going through, but also knew what they had trained Squall to become. He also had feared this for some time, though he never guessed to this extent, that Squall could no longer balance between commander and knight.
A choice would have to be made.
"Rinoa," Cid began, although his words were sincere, he doubted she would understand at least any time soon. "Life often comes down to choice. Sometimes it's impossible to make the right one, especially if you're incapable of understanding everything that's at stake."
"You don't understand…" Rinoa couldn't believe what they wanted out of her. They would cover this up and never look back. They didn't want Squall to ever be given the choice between commander or knight, they wanted her to make the choice for him.
"Don't I understand? I believe I do more than anyone. Sometimes the greatest strength is in letting go… You know what's right, Rinoa. Now is the time you have to decide - do you want what is best for him or best for you?"
"If I… If I go through with this… will he-"
"What? Rinoa…what?" Cid asked, hopeful that she had come to the only reasonable conclusion.
"Can you help him?" It was all she could manage. "If I leave, will it really help him?"
"We don't know," answered the doctor truthfully, "But it's his best hope."
Quistis and Selphie listened to Rinoa, finally putting some of their greatest questions to rest, however it still lead to a million more.
"I didn't realize it then," Rinoa started to explain, "But I was their scapegoat. When I left… well, it put all the focus on me. Of course I looked bad to everyone. Squall was upset and not himself and Garden had its believable alibi. Its liability was gone just like that."
Rinoa could have spent an entire lifetime second guessing her decision. She remembered the anger in his eyes and the word he spoke to her in his office. Her biggest fear was that people would hate her for what she was, a sorceress. Squall had always been there, always stood by her side, no matter what doubts she had clouding her mind. However, it was his words that scarred her more than a knife ever could. In a way, there was no going back. Neither time nor space would take back his accusation. He blamed her. She was what she always feared in his eyes. Even if said in a moment of confusion, it was something that she would always believe.
"In some way, I honestly thought that Garden was wrong. I would show the headmaster that we were stronger than that…that he would come after me. It was childish and foolish, and looking back now, it seems kind of selfish. The whole time we were together, I never asked him to choose between our relationship and Garden. Maybe I knew it was time when the two would cross so…I left… and Cid was right. Squall stayed with what was familiar, to what he had known his entire life. That made me realize that I didn't know the first thing about him. I never did."
"Quistis, he never was put in the field again, was he?" Selphie asked, suddenly realizing that they too had not truly known the conflict their commander was in…or the demons Garden made him hide. He would always be Squall to them, but he had overcome so much in his lifetime and now they had just found out he had suffered through this alone.
Was that his choice, or what Garden decided?
"Not really… no combat missions. I always thought it was because of his work load… I never thought… I should have caught on to this." Quistis was angry with herself, she above all people should have known. She had pushed him too often to be the best, but she had taken his limitations for granted.
"At first, I read up so much on it… what he was going through. There were so many names and theories… I wanted to understand when he finally needed me. I wanted to be there in so many ways for him. Somehow…time just moved on and so I tried to move on with my life. Somewhere along the way…I realized that I could never help him like Garden could, not on that subject. Maybe in a way, I was responsible. He couldn't be a knight and commander…the two things just didn't mesh and I just refused to see that. But when I first saw him at the wedding, I resented him so much… God, I was wrong in feeling that way, but I couldn't help it. When I saw that he had moved on with his life, with Lauren… it hurt like hell. I left so he could heal and yet I'm upset when he does. I hate myself for feeling that way."
She looked to her friends for some type of validation. She needed to know that they didn't hate her even though they should have by every account. Still…she needed to say the words to someone, any living person who would at least hear her out.
"He'll never know I'm glad he was happy… I loved him so much and I never stopped… but in the end, I realized I wasn't any better than Garden. I somehow put him on this pedestal because he was my knight. I felt like I could take on the world with him by my side… but as much as I knew his limits, I kept on pushing. If you push too hard, somebody falls. I guess it's the fall that defines your path through life, but it's how you continue after the fall that defines who you are… and Squall Leonhart was just a man… an amazing man that touched us all."