Chapter 25 – Trust
Christian
The ride back to Escala is silent and uncomfortable. I don't know if Ana's silence is because of the two hours we spent listening to Mia spewing all kind of ideas about Kate and Elliot's bachelor parties or that she is still affected by the article this morning on that website. I expect the latter.
And the problem is that I don't even know how to solve it. Well, it is partly solved. The website of is now inaccessible. This thanks to Barney's brilliant mind. He was talking about 'backdoor's and viruses. I don't give a shit how he's done it, as long as it can't be traced back to GEH and the problem is solved. Is it legal? Probably not…do I care? Nope.
Then there is the fact that Noah fucking Storm called her while we were discussing things with my sister. After a brief hesitation Ana excused herself and left the room. She returned five minutes later, however her expression didn't tell me anything about what they had discussed. And that pisses me off.
Call me jealous, possessive or a downright creep, but I just need to know what they talked about.
"What did Storm want?"
Slowly Ana turns her face from the window and faces me. "He said that he had read the article and that his PR is working on it."
She opens her mouth to say something else, but I beat her to it. "Well you surely talked for a long fucking time!"
She sighs. "He also asked me if I wanted to be part of a project. In collaboration with the National Down Syndrome Society they want to start a project called 'Awesomeness.' Noah's niece, his sister's daughter, died three years ago due to congestive heart failure, she also had Down syndrome." Well fuck, I didn't see that coming.
"Did you meet her?"
"Yes, Julie…she was awesome…incredibly sweet, yet stubborn. She loved so much." She smiles.
"The reason for this project is to help others appreciate people with Down syndrome, and help them see their individual, unique personalities. And to show people everywhere that those with Down syndrome have just as much to offer the world as anyone else."
Fuck! They must have been even more serious than I thought. If Ana knows his niece that means she met his parents at one point. And you don't bring a girl to meet your parents if you aren't sure about her.
Roughly I brush both hands over my face and count to ten in my head. But I can't seem to stop it.
I really don't want to discuss Ana's and fucking Storm's relationship, but I need to know. This is making me fucking crazy.
"How long did you date him?"
"Christian…" She says tiredly rolling her eyes. She is fucking rolling her eyes.
"It is really a simple question Ana. How. Long. Did. You. Date. Noah. Fucking. Storm?"
"A few months."
"And even though you claim that you weren't in love, you met his parents!" I bristle.
"Whatever gives you that idea?" She says confused.
I shrug. "You met his niece."
"Look Noah worked for the same agency as I did. I did a lot of his photo shoots and his niece was there one day that is how I met her."
"Where you in love with him?"
"No. I wasn't in love with Noah, Christian. Jesus can we please stop talking about this. We already discussed this. I don't know what else I can say about it!" She throws her hands in the air exasperated and leans with a tired sigh against the seat.
"There is no need to be jealous." She whispers.
"I am not jealous Ana…" I say clipped. "I am territorial. Jealousy is when you want something you can't have. Territorial is protecting something that is already mine." Slowly her eyes open and she turns her face to look at me. I just stare back, challenging her to fight with me. Does this make me an asshole? Probably.
Instead, she snorts, closes her eyes and mumbles. "Whatever." That little word only pisses me off even more.
"I want you to decline that assignment."
"I already did." She replies. Her eyes still closed.
"Good."
"And I don't want you going to Russia either." I continue. "It is too dangerous Ana. I have a bad feeling about it."
"So you've said a couple of times." I don't like the sound of her voice. She sounds distant, hurt and I have the feeling she'd rather be anywhere else but here.
"Ana, I mean it."
In that same moment Taylor parks the car in the Escala underground garage and without answering me, or waiting until her door is opened, she jumps out of the car and practically runs towards the elevator, where she fervently starts to push the button.
The ride from the ground floor to the penthouse only takes thirty seconds. Today, it seems like a fucking eternity. Ana is standing in the far corner with her back against the mirrored wall, looking through her bag. She looks so sad…as if she is going to burst into tears any second. Do something Grey! Fix this.
The moment the elevator doors slide open and we enter my apartment I take her hand and drag her towards my study. I want to show her what Barney has done. I want to be able to do something to get that sad expression from her face. I want to make her smile. Just like on that picture, don't you Grey?
"Wow, Barney is really smart." She says after I've shown her that the website is indeed inaccessible.
"He really is." I reply proudly when I see the small smile on that beautiful face. And since I don't know how to make up my shitty behavior from this morning, I swing her around and kiss her. I pour everything in the kiss. But especially the love I feel for her.
The moment the kiss ends she wraps her arms around my neck tightly and sighs contently.
"So, what did you and my sister finally agreed on about the bachelor parties?"
She shakes her head playfully and squints her eyes at me. That button nose scrunching up in that fucking adorable way. "Very convenient Grey all those phone calls."
I laugh throwing my head back. "What can I say baby, I am a very busy man." I whisper in her ear and gently bite her earlobe. "So?" In the meantime I snuck my hands under her sweater, but before I even can reach those perfect tits, my hands are pushed away with a giggle.
"I can't concentrate like that." She breathes.
Lifting her head she looks at me from under her lashes. "She said something about going to Vegas for a weekend, there is this website where you can customize your own party. You can select your own preferences and the options are endless, like a limo pick up from the hotel, tickets to the Chippendales, private pole dancing classes."So not happening baby.
But at this point I really don't give a fuck. I have Ana sitting on my lap, she smells amazing and I am horny as fuck.
"Christian, have you heard anything I've said?"
"Hmm, hmmm. Mia wants to go to Vegas where you can customize Kate's cock-fest." She giggles. "And you are staying a weekend." Gently I brush my mouth against her ear and whisper. "Can we fuck now?"
"Christian I have been thinking…" She replies absentmindedly. Oh oh.
"About what?" My hands snake under that sexy as hell tank top until my thumbs are grazing her nipples. Her soft moan has me moaning too.
"About what?" I ask again and smile against her neck. She is so easily distracted.
"About the pictures you wanted me to take for GEH…have you read my contract?" Lazily she moves her pelvis rubbing herself against my dick.
"What about it?" Her dainty hands fumble with the buttons of my shirt while leaving a trail of kisses on my jaw.
"You are perfect Christian." She says now staring at my chest. Her hands are moving slowly, grazing my nipples. I smile again. I win, because the conversation she wanted to have is forgotten. For now.
The moment I rise from my chair, with her perfect, tight ass in my hands her head snaps up. "Where are you going?"
"Bedroom."
"No…I want it here. I want you to fuck me on that desk." Who am I to object?
"Take your top off and bend over the desk and stick that perfect ass in the air baby." Momentarily she seems to be taken aback, but she recovers quickly and does exactly as I told her.
I make quick work of my belt and zipper and before I know it I am standing naked behind her. Her breathing has become ragged as I trace my finger from her spine down to her lace panties.
"What did I tell you Anastasia? Didn't I tell you to wear those sexy boy shorts?"She moves her head up and down. Not good enough baby.
I rub my hand over her perfect cheek and let it come down.
"Oh shit Christian! That hurt!" She gasps. When she tries to turn her head to look at me, I quickly move my hand to her head and grab a fistful of that brown colored hair.
"You defy me every step of the way Anastasia." I rub my free hand over her red cheek and move my fingers down to her pussy. She is drenched.
"Why didn't you wear the clothes I bought you Anastasia?" Smoothly I brush a few hairs out of her face so that I can see her face when I spank her. I lift my hand again and bring it down. I quickly move my hand between those perfect cheeks and push against her drenched pussy. She moans and I watch as her eyes close in ecstasy.
"You like that huh baby? Do you like it rough?"
"Christian…" She whispers. "Please…" God I love it when she begs.
"Why did Noah call you Ana?" Tightening my hold on her hair I gently bite her earlobe. "What did you need to discuss that you didn't tell me?" I growl. My jealousy and protectiveness taking over my mind.
"Is this what that fucker did to you? Did you touch you here?" I slide my finger into her wet pussy and start to move in and out fast. She tenses, but when a small whimper escapes her lips, I continue circling her clit with my fingers.
"I asked you a question Anastasia. Did he touched you like this?"
"No! Jesus! No!" Thank fuck!
The moment I feel she is going to orgasm I pull out my finger and start rubbing her cheeks. When she relaxes, I smack her again and when she moans in pleasure I suppress the urge to walk away and deny her an orgasm. That will teach her right? That will teach her not to defy me and not to talk to ex-lovers behind my back. But when I look down at her ass and see her skin turning that delicate shade of pink, I change my mind. I need to have her.
I slide my fingers back into her pussy and slowly start circling her clit with my thumb. "You are soaking Ana." Sliding my fingers in and out her breathing quickens and her hands curl up into fists on my desk.
"Fuck!" She screams my name the moment she is hit by her orgasm. After another strangled cry her body goes limp against the desk.
Releasing her hair I start jerking myself off. I strain my eyes on the beautiful woman bend over my desk. Holding my hand on the middle of her back I press her against the desk and slam into her.
"Christian…" Her voice sounds different, so I bring my mouth to her ear. "Do you want me to stop Ana?" I whisper.
"No…" She says after a few seconds. Good.
"If you need me to stop then say the word baby." She squirms when I lick her jaw. Perfect.
"I love you Ana…" I whisper in her ear. "I hate it that he touched you…I hate that he touched what's mine…" I growl.
Ana moans softly as I move in and out. Watching my cock disappear into her is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. She is biting her lip as I thrust into her.
I feel the tightening of my balls and I know I am not going to last very long. My hand finds her hair again and I pull her head back the moment I come inside her. "Fuck!" I roar and sag against her back biting that tender spot on her shoulder. "You are mine Anastasia…do you hear me! You are fucking mine!"
"Get off of me…"
Alarmed by the sound of her voice, I pull out and stumble backwards until my knees hit the chair. Ana slowly rises from the desk and turns around. The tears pooling in her eyes fill me with shame and disgust.
Silently she reaches for her panties lying on the floor and I almost drop to my knees and beg for forgiveness the moment I see her wince.
"I am sorry Ana…I am so fucking sorry."
She stares at me for the longest time, her face void of emotions. Without saying anything she turns around and walks out of my office.
From the moment Ana left my office twenty minutes ago I have been pacing the room restlessly. I tried calling Flynn, but his call went to voicemail. I didn't bother in leaving him a message.
Bile rises in my throat. Fuck! What have I done? Have I pushed her away for good? Is she packing her things this very moment?
I am about to go looking for her when a soft knock on the door stops me in my tracks. "Come in!" I bark.
I immediately regret my tone when I see that it is Ana. I want to wrap her in my arms and apologize over and over again for my despicable behavior. But the way she has her arms wrapped around her body, tells me that she doesn't want to be touched. Dressed in gray sweatpants and a pink hooded sweater she looks so young and vulnerable. I want to chastise her for walking around with wet hair. But I quickly bite my tongue when her eyes meet mine and see the hurt reflected in them. My knees start to buckle and I have to seek support of my desk as I wait for her to start speaking.
"I just called Kate and we are going to my apartment to get ready for your father's birthday party."
"You can get ready here, Ana." I hear the desperation in my own voice.
"I know, but I thought it would be fun to do it in my apartment. You know for old time's sake." She shrugs and looks past me.
"Ana, please talk to me."
When she turns her face to look at me I see the sadness and the hurt. She is fighting the tears and I know that I am the reason.
"Is it because of what the website published, because I already told you that Barney took care of that." You know damn well that's not the reason, Grey!
"No." She says shaking her head. "It is not that. I understand that being with you makes me a target for the media too."
"Then what is it?"
"It's you and how you've handled everything." She whispers. Her teary eyes keep looking at me and I have to look away. I somehow knew that this was coming, but hearing her say that I am the reason for her hurt is heartbreaking and unsettling. I know I handled the situation with her Instagram account completely wrong, but fuck, not one guy I know would like his girlfriend on the internet only wearing a bikini for the whole fucking world to see. A very little bikini that is.
"Your reaction this morning to that picture was selfish and if I have to be honest it hurt more than what that reporter wrote about me." She continues the tears now freely falling from her eyes.
"I understand." I say lamely. She gives me a sad smile that tugs at my heartstrings.
"I don't think you do understand what I am saying Christian. I think that you want to go back to where we left off five years ago, and you will have to realize that's impossible. I am not that girl anymore and you are not that confused young man anymore.
We have been separated for five years Christian and in those five years we both have probably done things we are not proud of. However, as long as we are honest and trust each other, we will be able to get over it. But I don't think that you trust me."
"But I do! I do trust you Ana." I feel the panic welling up in my body and I can barely hear what she is saying. I see her mouth moving and see her tear-stained cheeks and knowing that I am the reason for those tears I can't make the panic go away. Because she wants to leave. She is tired of me. That's what she said? That is what she is building up to isn't it? It's only when I feel her clammy hand on my cheek that the panic slowly starts fading.
"I am not going to leave you." She says slowly enunciating each word. "I love you, but I have the feeling that I am losing myself."
"Losing yourself?" I croak.
She nods slowly. "It's everything Christian. Security, the clothes, the phone, making decisions about my business. You don't ask me to join you for business diners, you tell me." She swallows and looks at the desk. "I really feel like I am giving you all I have, but that it just isn't enough."Her hand leaves my face and again she wraps her arms around her waist. "And what just happened…well I've never felt more degraded and humiliated before in my life. I understand jealousy, I really do, because everywhere we go, woman practically throw themselves at you, they all want a piece of the extremely handsome Christian Grey. And since I know that you don't reciprocate that behavior towards these woman I am able to rationalize my jealousy. Because I know that you love me and I know that you would never betray me like that." She says slowly.
I nod. She is right; I would never, ever betray her.
"I am so confused." She sobs. "I am even mad at myself for letting it happen, for not stopping you…because it felt good and even though I knew you were punishing me…I didn't stop you."
"Ana I am sorry. Please don't cry."
"Let me get this off my chest, please Christian." Her voice is trembling.
"Your need for control has gotten worse over the years. You need to understand that I am my own person…I make my own decisions, whether it concerns the clothes I am wearing, the assignments I take on or whether I want to accompany you to a business diner or gala. You don't get to decide that…I do." She pushes her finger against her chest a few times emphasizing her words.
"I am not one of your employees or staff who you can order around because you feel like it or because you are having a bad day. I am your girlfriend and I need your respect. We are equals in this relationship Christian." She takes a deep breath and with her arms still wrapped around her waist she sits down on the couch, distancing herself from me.
"As for your jealousy and possessiveness issues." She stops to look at me. "You really need to work on that, Christian. Your constant need for reassurance of love and affection is suffocating and it makes me want to run…I don't know how many times I need to tell you that I love you and that you are it for me. Do you think I never feel jealous or insecure?" She continues. "Ever since you told me that woman paid you for sex…I have been trying to deal with that. Every time you get jealous and territorial, I want to throw that in your face, but I refrain, simply because I love you and trust you. I understand where your feelings stem from, Christian. I really do. The fact that your birthmother left you still makes you believe that no one likes you or that those who love you, will leave you. But I am not her."
"I know." I say swallowing back the lump that has been building in my throat. "I know you are not her Ana. You are the best thing that ever happened to me."
"Then treat me like the best thing Christian." She prompts. "You promised me that you would show me how much you loved me. Actions Christian, not hollow promises."
"I'm sorry Ana and I promise that…"
"No more promises." She says placing her finger against my lips. "What do you normally do when you feel out of control?"
"Kickboxing, running, playing the piano." I ramble.
"Call your trainer or Taylor or whoever you train or run with. Afterwards I want you to make an appointment with your psychiatrist."
"Flynn…his name is John Flynn."
"Very well, make an appointment with John Flynn." She takes a deep breath. "If you want me I can go with you…"
"I would love that." I lean down and place my forehead against hers. "Thank you for believing in me Ana."
"And now you have to start believing in yourself." She replies.
"Can I please hold you for a minute?" I ask completely unsure of where I am standing now with her. Because I am not only craving her touch, but maybe I can prevent her from going back to her apartment. She answers by entwining our fingers and leading me towards the couch.
"Forget it Grey." She says while she sits on my lap. "I am going back to my apartment to get ready with Kate." The firmness in her voice tells me she is serious. So I let it go and relish in the softness that's Ana.
With her head leaning against my shoulder and her arm wrapped around my neck, she fits perfectly in my lap. She is safe. She is here with me.
"Basically, what you said is that you think I am…bossy." Even though I can't see her face, I know she is smiling.
"Bossy would be too lenient…I would rather use the words domineering, interfering, controlling, forceful…"
"Okay, okay…I get it." I mutter against her hair.
" I don't want to change you Christian…but you can't expect to say 'jump' and that I'll ask 'how high' because that is never going to happen."
"I know Ana and I don't want you too. I like it when you talk back, challenge me."
"Good." She shifts on my lap and lift her head slightly to look at me. The intensity in those blue eyes is astounding.
"As for my work. I want to make it perfectly clear that I didn't reject Noah's assignment because you told me, but because it didn't fit in my schedule. If and when I ever get an assignment that requires me to travel overseas, I am willing to discuss this with you. When I got the Russia-assignment you weren't in my life, so since I already signed the contract I am going. I would appreciate it if you wouldn't mention it again. I already promised you to call you daily…"
"Multiple times a day." I add.
"Multiple times a day." She repeats. "And that if your schedule allows it, you can even visit me."Oh but my schedule will allow it.
"I love my job. Before I got into photography I didn't pay attention to details. It was not until I started capturing photos and seeing the beauty on my screen, that I began to see details, colors and light in a whole new way. I have met amazing people because of my job. I can't tell you how many times that people have seen me with all of my equipment and asked what I was shooting.
These encounters would lead to a conversation. And I have met some really amazing people across the globe. Some of them even asked me to take their photo and invited me over to their home for lunch." What the fuck?
"I didn't accept the invitation Christian, I am not that stupid." She giggles. Thank fuck for that.
"With my job I get a chance to travel the world and experience amazing things. Even though I can't even count the times I have traveled to Europe but I still pinch myself when I get there." She says passionately.
"And maybe, if GEH allows it and you like it, I would love nothing more than to share that with you. Explore the world, meet new people...to share with you what I see when I capture a photo."
"I would love nothing more than to travel with you and see the world through your eyes, Ana. And I would never do anything to stand in the way of your job. I just need you to be safe. Therefore I hired Sawyer, to keep you safe when I am not with you. Because I am willing to make concessions, I will do anything to make you happy, but I am not backing down on your security Ana." There is another thing I refuse to compromise on and that is buying her gifts. I have never met a woman who doesn't like to receive gifts.
"I already agreed to security Christian."
"I need you safe Ana; I need to protect what's mine." I kiss her temple, but she stiffens in my arms the moment I mention the word mine. Well fuck.
"That is another thing we need to discuss." She says her voice determined and unyielding.
"I am not your possession. I am your girlfriend." She pauses briefly and continues. "I don't know how to explain how incredibly creepy it sometimes sounds when you growl 'you are mine' in my ear.
"You are right Ana." I say a little harsher then intended, but doesn't she understand? "I am a jealous fucker, I get fucking possessive…and why? Because what's mine is mine and I am terrified that someone might steal you away from me forever."
Slowly she moves until she is straddling me. Her eyes are understanding and soft. "No one is going to steal me away from you Christian. Simply because I won't allow it. I already told you in Vancouver that I love you and I choose you." Leaning her head to the side lightly she cradles my face in her small hands and gives me a shy smile. "And this is what I mean about not trusting me."
"But I do trust you, Ana." Fucking Christ.
"Then why are you so afraid that someone might steal me away?" Because you deserve a better man than me, but I am too selfish to let you go. "Because you are beautiful, intelligent and a good person."
"Have I ever giving you any indication not to trust me?" She says urgently.
"Never."
"We can go on and on about this, but I somehow can't make you see what I mean. You are constantly living in fear because of your trust issues. I understand that certain life experiences can impact a person's ability to trust others, and that is why you need professional help Christian. I don't think I can help you with this. I just don't know what to do anymore."
When she sees the probably panicked expression on my face, she continues quickly. "But it doesn't mean I will leave you. Please give me some space…please." She leaves a trail of little kisses on my face and hugs me tightly. "I love you Christian." Reluctantly I let go of her, when she rises from my lap.
"Please Ana don't go." She is already standing by the door, holding the handle.
"I am not leaving you, Christian." She sobs. "I am going to my apartment to get ready for your father's birthday party." She wipes the tears from her face with her sleeve and smiles at me. God, even after the way I treated her she is trying to comfort me. "I…I need to get ready for when my handsome boyfriend comes to pick me up, because I have a date." She brings her trembling hand to her mouth and blows me a kiss. "I love you Christian…don't forget that."
There is nothing else for me to do than to let her go at this point. She has finally seen through all the bull shit. Ana never gave much for materialistic things. And that is all I am. I am a shell of a man, who sold his body to rich, bored woman to realize his life goal…GEH. Along the way I grew cold, detached, controlling and untrusting. She is right. She has given me everything. She has given me her trust, even after I broke it so irrevocably. She loves me unconditionally, even though I don't deserve it.
I am selfish enough to want her solely for myself. But I know that she deserves better than me.
"I really feel like I am giving you all I have, but that it just isn't enough." The words she spoke with sincerity and hurt haunt my mind.
I can't imagine not having Ana in my life. These past five years without her have been absolute torture, but maybe that's what's best for her. Maybe I should just let her go…