Title: Learning As We Go, Part 25
Author: Caera1996
Disclaimer: Not mine
Rating: R
W/C: 5,827
Summary: Sequel to The Basics of Primary Ed. AU. It is possible to read this story without reading TBoPE first, but it will make much more sense if you do.
This part: Jim's diagnosis and a medical emergency.
Leonard was still fuming as he pushed the doors open with more force than necessary. He still couldn't believe Sommers had the audacity to complain about him to his department head. Like they were children telling on each other, for god's sake. Unbelievable.He grumbled to himself all the way to his car, wondering what he should do from here. What he wanted to do was fire off an email that told Sommers exactly what he thought of him. But they weren't done dealing with Sommers yet, and Jim came first, no matter how aggravated he was.
Fortunately, Dr. Peter Yohe, head of Neurology, was a friendly guy, and he actually commiserated with Leonard over how…challenging…Sommers could be.
"But at the end of the day, Len, he was the guy in charge, and you undermined him in front of other staff members and the patient. You gotta know that wasn't okay."
Leonard sat back in the chair, rubbing his forehead as he felt the beginnings of a headache coming on, contemplating the answer to that question. He knew what he should say. And then there was what he wantedto say.
He decided the best thing to do was settle for somewhere in the middle.
"It should never have gotten to the point it did," Leonard said. "But it could've been avoided. Neither of us would have been put in that position if there had been some reciprocal communication."
"Understood," Dr. Yohe said. He sat back in his chair. "You know he's not going to allow it again."
Leonard grimaced, nodding. He'd figured. "Well, hopefully we won't really need to deal with him again. He's not a surgeon, after all. I just need to find someone with a little more…flexibility."
"Well, you're in California. It shouldn't be too hard to find a doc into that touchy-feely, holistic way of doing things. Just…try not to upset any more of the staff, okay?"
Leonard smirked and nodded. Yohe was a transplant to California too, and Leonard was amused at his characterization of the type of disposition he was looking for in a doctor because he never thought that he'd be looking for it.
Despite the seemingly light-hearted nature of this particular conversation, Leonard knew (and appreciated) that Yohe was going a lot easier on him than what he probably deserved. But he also knew why.
"So, how's the trial going?"
"Very well," Leonard replied. "So far, there are no negative side effects that we weren't already aware of, and the preventative effects are holding the subjects within their first year of diagnosis."
"Excellent. I've been receiving emails and calls since your paper published from Neuro departments all over the country. Considered expanding your trial?"
Leonard hesitated. He had considered that. It would mean garnering additional monetary support from Pfizer, and enlisting the active work of another few doctors. None of that really bothered him. What did bother him was the fact that more hands meant more oversight…which meant longer hours away from home…away from Jim. And most importantly, away from Joanna.
On the other hand, a larger study with more funding could mean moving a little faster…or, well, "faster" in the relative way that applies to the FDA…but it could also mean a viable therapy for all ALS patients – not just those in his trial – sooner too.
And it never hurt to make the department head of a major hospital look good.
"I've considered it," Leonard replied. "I wanted to get through this first round before going through the logistics of an expanded trial."
Yohe nodded. "Keep me apprised. You've got my support."
"Thank you, Pete. I appreciate that." Leonard glanced at his watch.
"Have a class?" Pete asked.
Leonard smiled. "Not tonight. I do have an appointment to see a couple of people looking for a heart and a brain, though."
"Hurry Daddy! I don't want to miss it!"
"Okay, Baby, okay…hold my hand."
Joanna gripped her father's hand, and he led them through the parking lot. It was full, and there were quite a few people still making their way into the school's auditorium.
"Is Uncle Jim already here? Is he saving us seats?"
"He said he would, so I'm sure he is," Leonard replied, smiling down at her, enjoying her excitement. This was her first play.
Pushing through the double doors, he took a program from one of the student greeters.
"Daddy, can I have one too?"
"Sure, Baby," he said, accepting another and handing it to her. "Do you have to go to the bathroom?"
"No," she said.
"Do you want to try? Just in case, so you don't miss any of the show?" Leonard persisted.
"Okay, I'll try."
"Can you go into the girl's bathroom by yourself?" Leonard asked, always a little annoyed at the choice he has to make…bring her in the men's room with him, or let her go by herself. In this particular case, he didn't mind letting her go by herself into the ladies' room, but that's not always the case.
"Yeah," she said, pulling away from him.
"I'll be right here," he said. She nodded distractedly and pushed the door open. He got a glimpse of a bit of line, so he resolved himself to waiting for a few minutes without allowing the worry to kick in.
While he waited, he glanced through the program. The school that Kimmie and Janie attended put on an annual play, and this year, as a fifth grader, Kimmie had a part. Peering down the list of names on the program, Leonard saw that she would be playing…Munchkin Matilda and a member of the Munchkins of Oz.
"Hey, there you are!"
Leonard looked up and smiled as Jim came moved through the lobby towards him.
"Where's Jo?"
"Bathroom," Leonard said, resisting the urge to reach out to him and draw him into a kiss. He smiled at him. "She's gonna be pissed if we don't have good seats."
Jim chuckled. "No worries. Sam and Janie are saving prime spots for us."
"Aurelan?"
"Backstage – costume designer, remember?"
"Oh, for all of them? I thought it was just for Kimmie and a few others."
Jim shrugged. "Well, default costume designer. You wouldn't believe just how many parents either really don't give a shit or are perfectly happy writing a check and letting someone else deal with their child. How long has she been in there?" Jim asked, tilting his head towards the door.
"A couple of minutes; there was a line. I'm not worried yet."
"Okay," Jim said. He left to buy a couple of snacks and drinks for during the show, and while he was doing that, Joanna exited the restroom.
"Did you go?" he asked, already planning whether or not to try to get a seat near the aisle.
"Yup," she replied, happily taking Jim's hand when she realized he was there.
"Uncle Jim! How come you're not saving our seats?"
"Don't worry...I got it covered. Trust me?"
"Yup!" she replied immediately.
Jim smiled, giving her hand a little squeeze. He absolutely loved her certainty.
They made their way into the theater crowded with families, the buzz of excited conversation in the air. Jim led them to the row where Sam and Janie were saving four seats…the extra one for Aurelan, if she ever made it back from behind stage. Joanna and Janie greeted each other excitedly, and everyone settled down in their chosen seats. A few minutes later, fifteen minutes after the time the play was actually supposed to start, the opening music played over the loudspeakers and the curtains drew back on a drab Kansas right before a storm.
It was…cute, Leonard thought. He wasn't expecting much from a fifth-grade production of the Wizard of Oz, but so far they were doing a pretty good job. Janie and Joanna pointed and waved excitedly when Kimmie appeared on stage. Jim glanced over at Sam, then nudged Leonard's shoulder to get his attention. He nodded over at Sam, and Leonard smiled at the way Sam kept the camcorder trained on the stage, a half smile on his face as he watched his oldest daughter deliver her one line just like they'd practiced it…"It's safe…the witch is dead!"Settling in to watch the play, Jim slouched down in his seat comfortably, leaning against Leonard's shoulder.
A little over an hour and a half later, they were giving standing ovations to the main characters, the lines of Munchkins, the witches, Dorothy, Lion, Scarecrow and Tinman…everyone had a turn to be recognized. After a few minutes, the crowd in the auditorium started to slowly disperse, and Leonard, Jim, Sam, and the girls made their way to the stairs by the stage to wait for Kimmie and Aurelan.
"You did such a good job sweetheart!" Sam exclaimed when Kimmie appeared, hurrying down the stairs to her family, and everyone echoed their agreement. Sam handed her a small bouquet of flowers and gave her a kiss and hug. Aurelan followed shortly after, carrying a few plastic bags of materials and odds and ends. Jim chuckled, and took the bags from her, giving her a kiss on the cheek.
"You look exhausted," Jim said.
Aurelan gave him a slightly sour look. "I know Leonard isn't a vain person, but don't you know by now that you're never supposed to draw attention to things like that?"
"Eh. I'm a slow learner," Jim said with a smile. "Good job, sis. They all looked great. So…one down, two shows to go?"
"Oh, god…don't remind me," she replied.
They all went to Friendly's for dinner, which was a noisy, rambunctious affair. But the girls had fun, and that's what mattered. Aurelan and Kimmie entertained them with stories of all the craziness that preceded the opening night play, with Kimmie giggling and happily describing everything that had been going on backstage. Janie listened and interjected what she was going to do when she was in the school play, and Jo laughed along with them.
After dinner, everyone indulged in an ice cream desert…the kids' more…adventurous…than the adults', with toppings like gummi bears and crushed peppermints. Except for Jim. He could do toppings with the best of them and asked for some pretzels so that he could crush them and sprinkle them over his butter pecan.
Leonard looked around the table at everyone he considered family, and was struck by how incredible it was to have not only Jim, but his brother and sister-in-law, as well as Kimmie and Janie…it was like having an extended family, complete with in-laws and nieces of his own. It was…really, really great.
But, It was also a school night, and as much fun as everyone was having, Leonard didn't want to linger too long.
"Coming with us?" he asked Jim. At the end of the day, Jim had headed directly to Aurelan's who'd driven them both to the school so he could help her in the last minute craziness between the end of school and the beginning of the play. There had been so much still to do, and more than one last minute emergency of forgotten costume pieces, lines, and – for a few frantic minutes – the tape that was supposed to contain the soundtrack. Kimmie's teacher had been so appreciative of the help, though, and the kids were so adorable, it was all completely worth it.
It was also exhausting.
"Oh, with you," Jim replied. "Now…if you want. Sam'll drop my car off at the school tomorrow, as long as you can drop me off with Joanna in the morning."
Leonard chuckled, leaning close to him. "I think I can handle that. Long day, huh?"
"Very," he agreed, a note of something…not quite right…in his voice.
Leonard pulled back to look at Jim a little more closely. "You okay?"
Jim hesitated, glancing away. "I'm good," he said.
Yeah, that wasn't convincing at all.
"Something going on?"
"I'll tell you later, okay?"
Leonard nodded and slipped an arm around Jim's shoulders, giving him a squeeze. "Sure," he said. "Let's get going."
They left a few minutes later, to Joanna's dismay.
"I don't wanta go," she whined. "Can we stay for a few more minutes?"
"We gotta get going Baby," Leonard said. "You have school tomorrow…and we still have to get a bath."
"We're leaving too, Jo," Aurelan said. "Everyone has school tomorrow."
Mollified by the fact that she wasn't actually going to be missing anything, they headed out of the restaurant together, without any whining or tears or tantrums, and the two families separated in the parking lot, each going to their own car.
Joanna chatted about the play happily, her familiarity with the story more comprehensive because of her books, and she was currently discussing the differences between the literature and the play. Leonard rolled his eyes at Jim, who smiled indulgently.
"Hey, Jo…would you ever want to be in a play like that?" Jim asked when she stopped to take a breath.
The question was met with contemplative silence for a moment. "Does my school put on a play?" she asked.
Jim turned in his seat to look at her. "Not a play exactly…more like a talent show. Some kids do things in groups or with their classes, and some kids do things on their own."
"What kind of things?" Jo asked.
"Singing a song, putting on a little skit – a very short play," he explained. "Or…reciting a poem, telling jokes…almost anything. What do you think?"
"Umm…I don't think so."
"No?" Leonard asked, looking at her in the rearview mirror.
Joanna shook her head. "I don't know what I can do."
"Oh…there's a lot you can do, and you have some time to think about it. The talent show isn't for a while. Maybe you'll change your mind," Jim said, throwing a wink at Leonard as Jo silently shook her head, turning a cute shade of pink.
"I think it would be too scary," she admitted.
"Well," Jim said. "Maybe you'll change your mind later on."
"Maybe," she said doubtfully.
Leonard got Jo into the bath as soon as they got home, and into bed soon after that. Once Jo was squared away…had her stories, and her sip of water, and her hugs and kisses goodnight, Leonard turned his attention to Jim.
Heading back into the family room, he found Jim in the kitchen, drinking from the orange juice container.
"Jim, there are cups literally eighteen inches from where you're standing," Leonard said, pulling one out and holding it out to him.
"No need to dirty a cup, Bones," Jim said, shaking the carton. "Empty." He threw the carton into the garbage can and Leonard rolled his eyes.
"You're such a pain," he said, but pulled Jim to him, taking all the sting out of the words with an embrace that Jim readily returned. He smiled against Bones' shoulder, settling his hand on Bones' waist. He let himself relax into Bones' arms, loving the firm warmth pressed against his body.
After a moment, Jim pulled away to kiss him, smiling against his lips at Bones' enthusiastic response.
"Miss me today?" Jim asked playfully.
"Always," Leonard replied. "So…you gonna tell me what's going on?"
Jim sighed and nodded. "Yeah. I want to take a shower first, though. I'm gross from doing stage set up all afternoon. Do you have any work you have to get done?"
Leonard hesitated. He did. He always did…whether it was work for the classes he taught or reviewing information or writing reports for the trial, he always had something that had to be done. And today, as his time had been cut into by that meeting with Fohe, things he'd meant to accomplish hadn't happened.
And that had become their routine over the last couple of months. They always tried to have dinner together, and then after Jo was in bed, Leonard and Jim would each work for a while in each other's company. Then they would maybe watch the news, or a show they were both interested in…or Jim would watch and Leonard would read. And then bed…sometimes to sleep, and sometimes not. It was a good routine, one that Leonard had come to love everything about…from the dinners as a family to the comfortable intimacy of the few quiet hours together with just the two of them.
"Nothing that has to be done today," he replied.
"No? Good…why don't you join me then?" Jim suggested, taking Leonard's hand in his own, giving him a little tug.
"That sounds like a good idea to me," he said, completely taken with the expressive blue eyes, and everything reflected in them.
Jim led him to their bedroom, closing and making a point to lock the door, having learned that lesson a while ago. Facing Leonard, he reached out to untuck his shirt from his pants, leaning in to kiss him before turning his attention to the buttons. Leonard shrugged out of the shirt, and Jim pulled up on his undershirt as well. He raised his arms and Jim pulled the undershirt over his head. He traced the muscles on Leonard's chest and waist with gentle hands, settling on the waistband of his pants.
Leonard paused Jim's actions, taking a moment to undress him, too. He let his hands roam over Jim's strong shoulders, around his back, up to slide his fingers through his hair. He searched Jim's eyes, looking for insight into what Jim was thinking. Jim had something to tell him, and he was pretty sure he knew what it had to do with…it was about that time. He didn't think Jim was really trying to stall the conversation, and he wasn't necessarily getting the feeling that their activities were going to lead to sex tonight. No…this seemed more like a need for a comforting connection. Leonard could completely understand and appreciate that.
They finished undressing each other, dropping their clothes on the floor and leaving them where they fell.
In the shower, Leonard urged Jim under the spray first, tenderly running his hands through his hair. Jim stood there, head back and eyes closed, letting the hot water run over his body. Leonard leaned in and kissed him, then retrieved a washcloth and the soap. He took his time, washing Jim's body first, then tipping some shampoo into his hands.
"Mmm…you're going to make me fall asleep," Jim said, relaxing into the massaging touch from the strong hands.
"You better not," Leonard said teasingly. "I don't think I can carry your heavy ass out of here."
Jim laughed and moved to stand under the spray, letting the water sluice over him, rinsing away the suds with Leonard's help, running his hands over Jim's body and through his hair. He let his fingers slip over Jim's side at the site of the biopsy. There was hardly a mark anymore, just a small strip of lighter-colored, new skin. Wiping the water out of his eyes, Jim moved to the side and Leonard took his place. He took the washcloth and soap himself.
"Can I do it?" Jim asked, gently taking hold of Leonard's wrists. Jim knew that things like this, that shouldn't be hard for Bones anymore, could still sometimes make him hesitate. But everything was so different now, Boneswas so different now…so much better as far as his comfort level was concerned…that there hadn't been anything in quite a while that he'd not been able to do with him…including everything they did during their awesome trip to Napa.
Leonard nodded, and handed Jim the cloth and soap, standing slightly stiffly. Jim ignored that, knowing that he'd relax before long, and after all this time, trusting that he'd say something if he was truly uncomfortable. Jim trailed the soapy cloth over Bones' body, and watching the play of muscle under the streaming water kept him in a state of light arousal, as he'd been pretty much since they started undressing each other earlier. Jim found Bones so damn sexy…and he was sexy without trying, or even realizing how hot he was. As he moved the cloth over Bones' body, he could see that he wasn't the only one who was appreciating the sensations. But he didn't pursue it…didn't want to interrupt this intimacy, this quiet affection, between them tonight.
Besides, they still needed to talk.
After running his hands through Bones' thick hair and down his body, rinsing all the suds from him, they finally stepped out of the shower and dried off. They dressed quickly, each settling for just boxers. Leonard glanced at Jim, wondering if he was going to have to bring up whatever Jim had to talk about again, or if he would do it himself.
"I know it's still early, but do you want to lie down?" Jim asked.
"Yeah, let's get comfortable. Did you want some tea or anything?"
"Nah, I'm fine," Jim said, moving to turn down the blankets. Leonard helped him, and they lay down, drawing together automatically, naturally. Jim moved to Leonard's side and he wrapped his arm around him, pulling him close. They kissed softly, and Jim held on to him tightly, closing his eyes and smiling as he felt Leonard shift them slightly, urging Jim onto his back while he propped himself up on his elbow, resting his head on his hand. Gazing down at Jim, Leonard drew his hand down Jim's chest, his touch light and tender.
Jim looked up at him, then sighed as Leonard leaned down to kiss him again.
"I love you," Leonard said.
"Love you so much," Jim replied.
Leonard smiled and settled down beside him, and Jim turned himself towards him.
"Will you tell me?" Leonard asked.
Jim sighed and closed his eyes and nodded.
"Yeah."
Jim had a sick, swooping feeling of déjà vu, sitting with his elbows on his knees, his head down. He was going to pass out, he was sure of it. Or be sick. Possibly both.
The only thing that was keeping him grounded right now was the feel of Bones' hand on the back of his neck. Though, the more the doctor spoke, the harder Bones squeezed. It was actually getting a bit painful. But Jim didn't have it in him to ask him to let go. He was afraid if he started talking, he might give in to the panic bubbling beneath the surface.
And not here…in this cold doctor's office, with this cold doctor, reading from Jim's file like it belonged to some med school exercise, and not a living, breathing person right in front of him. No…he wouldn't lose it in front of Sommers. He clenched his jaw and tried to keep himself in check, as much as he could anyway.
Cancerous cells.
They'd pulled cancerous cells out of the solid section of the cyst currently sitting on his liver.
He swallowed hard, registering that he was starting to feel dizzy. He felt like he couldn't catch his breath, his heart pounding so heavily he couldn't hear anything else clearly. Squeezing his eyes closed, he wiped a shaking hand across his face, distantly registering moisture. He knew that Bones and Sommers were talking…could hear that they were talking, but nothing was registering with him. A painful lump was growing in his throat and he swallowed again, trying to get it to go away.
Sommers was saying something about a CT scan, the surgery…Jim couldn't focus on anything beyond those two words: cancerous cells.
"Bones."
"Jim? You okay?" Bones' voice managed to push through the thick haze of disbelief and fear that had settled so thickly around him.
Had he said that out loud? He hadn't even realized.
Jim shook his head no, lowering his head even further, completely obscuring his face. Hiding, as much as he could.
Leonard looked up at Sommers, who actually looked like he was annoyed.
Well fuck you, Leonard thought angrily.
"We need a minute," Leonard said. "Please."
"I'd like to do that CT scan today, as it's already scheduled. I'll have one of the nurses in to prep you in a few minutes."
Leonard nodded…Jim didn't respond at all. As far as Leonard was concerned, whether or not that CT scan took place today was entirely up to Jim, but anything to get Sommers out of the exam room.
"Jim," Leonard said as soon as the door closed behind Sommers. He stood in front of Jim, grasping his arms, trying to urge him to look up. "Jim look at me."
Jim shook his head, swallowing several times, breathing too quickly to really get a full breath. He was starting to hyperventilate.
"Bones," Jim said again, weakly. "I can't breathe."
Panic attack.
"Okay…shh…you're okay," Leonard said, wrapping an arm around him. Jim's body was shaking, and he'd broken into a cold sweat.
"No…" Jim said. Then he was grasping Leonard's arm, pushing his face against his shoulder. Leonard held him, pressing his cheek against the top of Jim's head.
"Yes," he said, quietly. "You're okay. You're just hyperventilating. Try to slow your breathing. It's okay."
Leonard murmured to him quietly, calmly, waiting for the trembling to stop and his breathing to slow to a more normal rate.
It took a while, but Jim finally started to calm, the storm of emotion passing. He was still clutching Leonard, pressing his face to his shoulder.
"This is bad," Jim said shakily. "Oh, god…" He shuddered and gulped, his fingers tightening convulsively on Leonard's arm.
"Jim…listen to me." He paused, trying to get a look at Jim's face. "Are you listening?"
"Yes."
"'Cancerous cells' is not necessarily cancer. Your liver biopsy was clean. The cyst could develop into a problem, and it has to come out, but that was going to happen anyway. Once it's gone, you should be fine."
"Why the CT scan?" Jim asked. He swallowed, his throat aching as he tried to keep his emotions under check. "Why do I have to do that?"
Leonard sighed, rubbing Jim's back. He remembered the MRI wasn't all that easy for him to tolerate, and he felt bad that he was going to have to go through something like that again.
"It's just a good way to get a very clear picture of your organs. It's just precautionary…but it helps them to see any other…anything else that might be going on."
"Like pancreatic cancer," Jim filled in numbly. It was a CT scan that ultimately diagnosed his mother. And just a few months later she was dead.
"Jim…" Leonard said, feeling helpless in the face of Jim's distress. "At this point everyonehas a CT scan. It's just part of the process. There is no reason to think that there's anything else wrong."
Jim picked his head up, looking at Leonard for the first time…so desperately wanting to believe that, and so afraid of what would happen if Bones was wrong.
Leonard gently brushed Jim's cheek with his thumb, wiping away the moisture under his eyes.
"You're going to be fine," he said. "I truly believe that. Okay?"
Jim nodded, tipping his head forward to rest forehead on Bones' shoulder again. Leonard felt bad about pushing him about this, but Sommers had said he'd be sending a nurse in, they'd made the appointment to meet in this imaging clinic that Sommers was affiliated with to get it done, and it was going to have to happen eventually anyway.
"Are you up for the CT scan?" Leonard asked.
"Yeah, I guess," Jim said. "You're going to stay with me, right?"
Leonard hesitated. "I'll try, Jim. A CT scan is different from the MRI you had before. Other people aren't generally allowed in the same room during a CT. They're also much shorter, and only take a minute or two. But I'll ask. And if not, I'll be in the control room, and you'll be able to hear me talking to you."
Jim looked distinctly uncomfortable at that possibility, but nodded anyway.
They waited for a few more minutes, then the nurse that Sommers promised came into the room.
"Mr. Kirk," she said. "If you'll follow me, we'll get you prepped for the CT. Now, you're going to have the CT done with contrast…with a dye…that will be injected into you. And then we need to let it circulate in your system for a couple of minutes, then we'll do the scan and you'll be on your way. Okay?"
Jim glanced at Bones, a distinctly disturbed expression on his face.
"The contrast is necessary Jim," Leonard said, knowing what the problem was. "It's the best way to get a clear picture…and that's what we want."
"Okay," Jim agreed quietly.
"Great," the nurse said. "So, if you'll follow me…"
Jim breathed slowly, trying to stop himself from tensing up. When he tensed, his body shook, and that was annoying and embarrassing. Lying on the table of the CT machine, in nothing but a stupid paper gown and his boxers, Jim was cold and anxious. Bones was still there with him, holding his hand tightly, and Jim turned his head away from the nurse, towards Bones, squeezing his eyes closed.
"Okay, if I could have your arm…"
Reluctantly, Jim held out his left arm. He felt Bones grasp him with both hands, holding him tightly. That helped a bit. Jim bit his lip at the sharp pinch of the needle, and Bones murmured something to him. It was quickly taped in place and he felt a gentle tug on the tubing as it was connected to the bag containing the dye.
"Now, you may feel flushed or get a strange taste in your mouth…those sensations will pass. If you feel anything else funny, or get too anxious, let us know, okay? We'll be able to hear you and you'll be able to hear us, okay?"
Jim nodded, letting out a breath he hadn't realized he was holding until he needed to breathe again. He felt the flush she'd mentioned almost right away…kinda like he was blushing hard about something. It started in his arm, and spread outward, across his chest, down his legs…he looked down quickly…it almost felt like he'd peed himself.
"That's normal," the nurse said, noticing his discomfiture and Jim did blush at that.
"Coulda warned me," he said lowly, annoyed and not feeling all that great. He did have a funny taste in his mouth, and he swallowed. It didn't help though, he was completely dry.
"Doin' okay there, Jim?" Bones asked.
Jim took a deep breath and let it out slowly, trying to ignore the sick, dizzy feeling coming over him, writing it off as the side effect of the contrast.
"Yeah," he said quietly. "I don't feel great, but I'm okay."
"Okay," the nurse said. "We're going to need you to stay still, and the radiologist may ask you to hold your breath at different points. The whole scan should take just a matter of minutes. So…we can get started anytime you're ready," she finished, giving Leonard a significant look.
He caught the hint and nodded.
"I have to go into the other room, Jim. I'll be right there, and I'll talk to you the whole time, okay?"
Jim opened his eyes and focused on Bones' face.
"Okay," he said quietly.
"Okay…you need to let my arm go," he said gently.
Jim smiled slightly and reluctantly let go. "Sorry…forgot."
Leonard stepped back and the nurse directed Jim how to position himself.
"Just stay just like that."
Jim nodded and she and Leonard headed across the room, to the control area. Alone, Jim swallowed hard again, licking his lips. He closed his eyes, feeling uncomfortably dizzy. The warm flush hadn't subsided…as a matter of fact, his arm felt much warmer now…the skin close to the IV sight felt a little itchy and tight.
Just a few years ago, Jim thought, his mother was laying on a table like this. Not looking for cancer, but that's what they found. Too late for the doctors to do anything, except try some truly horrific therapies that may have extended her life slightly, but at a terrible cost. She'd been so sick, in such pain. At the end she wasn't anything like the woman Jim had known, a mere shell…gaunt, skeletal, sick…that disease had taken everything from her…so, so quickly.
And it had started just like this.
In the control room, Leonard watched Jim carefully.
"He's moving," the tech said, sounding annoyed.
"Sir, please hold still so we can get a clear image. Thirty seconds, okay?"
Jim didn't respond, but his back arched slightly. Leonard pressed the button to talk, concerned that Jim was having another panic attack.
"Jim! Jim, can you hear me?"
Leonard had a really bad feeling about this…Jim's chest was heaving, and he was moving slightly, as if he wanted to curl himself up. Then he made a move as if to bring his hand to his throat, and Leonard's heart almost stopped.
"Something's wrong. Stop the scan. Now. Now!" Leonard demanded urgently. He vaguely heard the tech confirm before opening the door and running back into the room, the nurse right behind him.
Jim was gasping, turning his head agitatedly. Leonard ran up to him, quickly cataloguing everything he was seeing.
"Jim! Listen to me….focus. C'mon, Jim…what's wrong?"
"C-can't breathe…" Jim gasped out, managing to focus on Leonard as he cupped his face. His eyes were unfocused and frightened. "My throat…"
"He's having an allergic reaction," the nurse said briskly. "Move out of the way, sir."
Leonard tried to get Jim's attention again, moving enough out of the way so the nurse could work. They had to protect his airway.
"Jim…listen to me…listen!" Leonard shouted. Jim was struggling against his hands, desperate for a full breath. "You're having an allergic reaction, but you're going to be fine. We're going to sedate you, and when you wake up there will be a tube in your throat to help you breathe."
Fear bloomed in Jim's eyes, and he shook his head desperately, struggling harder. His gasping took on a pained, wheezing quality, the edges of his lips tinged blue. He tried to push himself up…
"No…no…please!" he tried to shout. It came out a whisper.
"Your throat is swelling, Jim…that's why you can't breathe. As soon as it goes away it'll come out and you will be fine."
There was hardly any sound, hardly any air...so Jim shook his head frantically, his wide eyes broadcasting the terrifying feeling of being asphyxiated, of being sedated again. His eyes flooded with tears that spilled down his cheeks. His lungs were screaming for air and his heart and head were pounding painfully. He tried to yank his arm away with the IV away from the nurse, but she held him firmly. Bones held his shoulders, pressing him down, talking to him…but he couldn't hear…
Couldn't breath…
Darkness invaded the edges of his vision…
And then he was out.