Chapter Twenty Five

Bellamy

I might be able to fight and talk like a grounder now, but I sure as hell don't feel like one. The nightmares are far less frequent than they were. However, I still have them. This nights are particularly terrible. I wake up with tears on my face and sweat dripping my body. I stand up because I can't be in this tight room any longer. I close the door behind me before wondering the halls in nothing but loose pants. I am going to just keep walking when I see Echo sitting in a chair in our main area.

I lean on the side of the opening. She looks up at me and wipes her face with one hand. It makes me question what she was sitting out here for. Maybe she lost someone too.

I sit down next to her and she smiles when she sees me.

"Are you alright?" she asks.

I nod.

She knows it's a lie.

"Aren't we friends now?" she asks.

"Sure. Friends."

She smiles too, almost as if it sarcastic. I sit back in my chair, playing with my fingers in my lap.

"What was it about? The nightmare?" she asks.

I shrug.

"Bellamy," she says again in that accent that I actually find quite pretty. I always love the way that they speak back and forth. There is something so amazing about their language, especially when they speak it that just makes me intrigued.

"Tell me," she says again, nudging my shoulder. I smile in reaction and nudge her back.

"Leaving Clarke. Watching her die. That's what it always is," I admit. I hate to think about that. I hate to tell someone else that I need her and that she is never going to leave me.

"You need to let her go," she says.

"I can't," I say. "I never will."

Echo looks almost annoyed, which is strange. I try not to pay attention to it. I lean on my elbows on the table. I look down at them and then rest my chin on my forearm. I look over at the blank wall and wish that it were trees. I wish that it were beautiful like the ground. I am tired of living up here and staring at metal.

"Wanheda ste stedaunon," she says.

The commander of death is dead.

"I know," I say in a sad voice.

"I'm sorry, Bellamy. But you can't hold onto her like this anymore. It's not going to help anyone or anything. You are just going to feel bad about yourself the rest of the time we are up here."

I do not have anything to say to that. I know it to be true and I feel the same way because I cannot control it. It hurts so badly all the time. I am tired of the hurt. But if it has to hurt to remember her, I will be in pain for the rest of my life.

"I don't care," I admit.

"Bellamy, it has been almost three years," she says.

"Time violation," I tell her with a smile. She smiles back but it does not last long.

"You have been so alone for so long. Harper is right. You need to heal," she says. I know that she is right but it doesn't matter. I need Clarke back. I am not going to be okay until then.

"You're okay, Bellamy," she says.

I look up at her. She has a serious expression but also some sympathy. She holds her hand out. My hands are shaking. I don't want her to see that. But there is something in her eyes. Something familiar. I can feel that feeling growing in my gut. It's comfort. I want it so badly. But I'm scared of it at the same time.

"Come on," she says, pushing her hand closer to me. I want to. I lean closer to her and take a deep breath but it shakes when I release it. I bite my lower lip to keep it from trembling.

"Let yourself heal over Clarke, Bellamy," she says.

I shake my head.

I can't just leave her. Not again.

She flexes her fingers out, brushing them against my closed fist. I open my hand and rest my fingers on top of hers. She has a whisky longing in her eyes. She looks almost inspired. I see that familiarity and hope resting on her expression.

"It's alright," she assures.

My fingers are still shaking so she interlocks our hands together. It is strange but nice. It feels almost as if I am with Gina. It is not exactly what I want but I like it, I respect it and I crave it. If I cannot have Clarke ever again, I deserve to remember how to be somewhat happy. I think that is all Echo is trying to show me.

"Thanks," I say.

"Do you dream about her every night?" she asks.

"Almost."

"I dream about being back in my clan, learning and fighting with my people," she says. It is not the same but I understand. We both want the normalcy that we had back on earth. Something terrible took that all away from us.

"It wasn't fair," I admit, biting down harder on my lip. I can taste blood but I will not cry in front of Echo. No way. I can't let her see me in so much pain.

"Praimfaya wasn't fair to anyone. It took so much from all of us and it didn't care," she says.

"The sword doesn't care…it just cuts. No one cares about your reasons because at the end of the day, they are your reasons," I say in a monotone, terrifying voice.

I lean toward her, finding that same hate in her eyes. She craves normalcy just as much as I do. She craves being back home with her people just as much as I do. She understands.

"I just want someone to care," I admit, letting my lip go. I won't let myself cry but now she can see some of the pain that I carry around in my heart in my eyes.

"I know," she says. I can see some of that same pain reflected in her eyes. It's not the same as Clarke. But there is hope. Hope like Gina. Pain like Clarke. Strength like Raven.

"I care," she admits.

"Me too," I say.

I feel Echo lean closer to me. I know what is going to happen. She is tilting her face toward me. I tilt toward her too. I am leaning close when I think of one thought that stops everything.

Clarke.

I pull away suddenly, taking a breath and tilting my head down toward the floor. Shame hits my chest so hard I think I might scream but I don't. I hold my breath, looking down.

Echo breathes loudly.

"Are you okay?" she asks.

"Yeah. I'm sorry," I say, looking back at her face. She looks sympathetic but not angry like I thought she would be. She leans back in her chair and nods, almost to herself.

"Don't be," she says with a small smile.

"It's just…I'm not…I mean I just can't—"

"Clarke," she says.

I nod.

"You need time to mourn her and we need to be friends. You need a friend right now," Echo says.

"Maybe," I admit.

"I can wait," she says with a smile.

I smile back but I am not sure that I can ever get over Clarke. I am not sure that I will ever be okay with the fact that I never told her those three simple words.

"I'm sorry, Echo," I say. I turn to leave and then stop when I realize that is not good enough. She was being kind to me and I owe her more than that. "Thank you for understanding."

I make my way back to my room when I sit down by my desk and pull out a piece of paper.

Clarke,

I miss you so badly but I want to feel that comfort again. You were there for me so much. Every time I was scared or sad, you were there. But I am alone up here and I don't know how much longer I can survive alone. I have a confession.

I wipe a hand down my face to rid myself of the tears that are falling from my eyes.

I almost kissed Echo. And I wanted to. I really wanted to. But I think I need your permission to be okay first.