In the middle of the night, I wake up to find you no longer beside me in our bed. I get up to go look for you, and I find you in our bathroom, sitting on the edge of the bathtub and holding the small bottle of Lunesta in your hand, turning it over and over in your palm and staring intently at it.

I sit down beside you, careful not to touch you, because I'm not sure if that's what you'll want. "You can take one if you need to, baby," I say quietly.

You flinch and your head snaps up, your widened, fear filled eyes meeting mine. "No."

"You can, Alex. You have to sleep."

You finger the bottle again, tracing your thumb around the cap. "I could take too many," you say in the monotone I've become so familiar with on nights like this.

I swallow hard, feeling my heart clench and then beat at twice its usual rate at your words. They terrify me, because you've just voiced my greatest fear. That you could do this, hurt yourself, without realizing what you'd be losing, what you already have, because I haven't shown you well enough. That it would be my fault. "You're not going to, though."

"You don't know that."

"Yeah, I do," I say, even though in that moment I realize you're right, and I don't.

You hand me the bottle, averting your eyes from mine. "Put it somewhere. Lock it up. I don't want it."

I sigh. "Come back to bed, baby."

You shake your head. "I think I'll stay here for a bit."

"Do you want me to stay with you?"

You look up at me for a long moment, mulling it over. "That would be good," you say softly, and I let out a breath I haven't realized I've been holding.

"Can I give you a kiss?"

You nod, and I lean over to kiss your cheek. You drop your eyes and wrap your bathrobe more tightly around your trembling body. The bathrobe is so large on your skeletal frame that it's almost as if you're drowning in it, and my heart aches for you.

"I'm going to put this away," I say, gesturing to the medication. "I'll be back in a minute. Do want a cup of tea? Or white hot chocolate?"

"Water would be good," you whisper, and I give you a smile.

"Coming right up."

You shiver and fold your hands in your lap, tucking your legs underneath your body. "Thank you, Olivia."

I go into the kitchen to get you a glass of water and throw the bottle of Lunesta into the garbage. I'm not comfortable having it in the house right now, and I know I'm not going to convince you to take a pill at night anyway. I'll do what I can for you without the aid of your medication.

I return to the bathroom and sit down beside you, handing you the glass of water. "Here, baby."

"Thank you," you say, taking a small sip.

We sit in silence until you finish the cup of water and set it down on the ground. Tentatively, you reach out to grasp my hand. I caress your hand with my thumb and you smile slightly.

"Have I told you recently how amazing you are? And how much I love you?"

I smile back. "Once or twice." Taking your words as permission, I slide closer to you and wrap an arm around your shoulders.

You lean into my embrace and I feel your body relax against me. "I'm sorry, Liv. I'm just having a bad night.

I tuck a strand of hair behind your ear. "Do you want to talk about it?"

You shake your head.

"What can I do for you, Alex?"

"Just – just stay here. And maybe you can hold me?"

"Of course." I wrap my arms securely around you and kiss the crown of your head. "Better?"

You nod, and I see a tear slip down your cheek. "I'm so lucky to have you here with me," you say quietly. "I can get through this, with you."

I hold you more tightly. "Yeah, baby. We'll get through this together."

The next day, you bring me breakfast again, but this time I insist that you have something to eat too. "You can have half of my bagel or I can make you something or we can make something together or we can go out and buy you something, but you have to have something to eat, Alex."

You crawl up onto the bed beside me, your eyes suddenly bright and sparkling as they haven't for weeks. "We can make banana cream pie."

I chuckle at your obvious attempt at manipulation, but I can't bring myself to mind. "Sure. Do we have the ingredients?"

"I bought them this morning," you say with a sly smile.

"Okay. I'll meet you in the kitchen in a few minutes."

As you beam and kiss my cheek before starting toward the kitchen, I think I would do anything to keep that beautiful twinkle in your eyes. I've missed it so much.

Several hours later, the banana cream pie is ready and sitting on the table. I've cut you a small piece and taken one for myself, and you're moving it around with your fork.

"What's wrong, Alex? Did we not make it right?"

You shake your head and hesitantly take a bite of the pie. "It's good."

"I'm glad." I smile at the sight of you eating your favourite food, however reluctantly. It's almost like it used to be between us, years ago, baking together and sharing one of your favourite foods. You're eating again, and I can't even begin to express how relieved I am.

You take another piece and chew it slowly. "Thanks, Liv."

"For what, baby?"

"For the pie."

"You made it, mostly. I just did the crust."

You smile slightly as you put another piece of pie in your mouth. "And for last night, too. For everything. Just for being you. For staying with me and loving me no matter what."

"Of course I'll stay with you and of course I love you no matter what. You're my Alex." I smile back at you and reach out to take your hand in mine. "Do you want to talk? About last night, I mean."

You shrug and drop your eyes. "It would be so easy . . ." You trail off and try again. "It would just be so easy to have the pills, take one too many, wash it down with a glass of wine, go to sleep and just never wake up. But why would I even want that? I have you. I have everything. You're my everything, Liv."

I bring your hand to my lips. "You're my everything, too, baby. I love you more than I ever thought I could love a person." I meet your eyes, drowning in their clear blue depths, and say quietly, "You know, Alex, before I met you, I wasn't even sure that I knew how to love, and I definitely never thought I could love someone so completely, with all my heart, with my entire being. But you showed me I could. You're the best thing that ever happened to me, Alex."

You give me one of those radiant smiles that make my heart melt, your eyes shining with absolute love. "I love you so much," you say, your voice choked with emotion.

I give your hand a squeeze. "I love you, too, baby. Always."

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