Chapter 25: In Pieces
(Alternatively, Fragments of the Past Part Two)
Author's Notes: Still trying to get back into the practice of updating regularly after that nasty case of writer's block. I forgot to mention to chapters back that my sister and her kids moved out a while back. Unfortunately, them moving didn't get rid of the writer's block.
That distinction goes to Alrtist, Awayandlaughing, Atardisbluenight, and my RP partner, hyuga-au-neji, on Tumblr. If any of you guys are reading this chapter, THANK YOU SO MUCH! I really appreciate all of your help!
A shout out to all my reviewers - You guys are awesome.
To my lurkers in the dark - Come into the light, my friends! I don't bite and I'll be happy to see you!
By the way when you come to the * in the latter part of the story, I recommend looking up Sleepsong by Secret Garden on YouTube. This chapter has also turned out to longer than I expected because it didn't want to end for quite some time.
(Asuma's POV)
Taking the first watch that night was a given for Asuma. His kid's aren't in the best of places and - while he wants nothing more than to gather them all up and cuddle them until they stop looking so damned heartbroken - it kills him that there's nothing that he can do for them unless they choose to talk. Ino seems to be taking the events of the day better than her teammates, but Asuma sees how she's constantly touching Chōji, who hasn't stopped crying, and how she keeps looking at Shikamaru. She's worried about both of them and hurting because Shikamaru has distanced himself from his team. The kid has drawn so far into himself that Asuma doesn't know when he'll come out of the barrier he's built around himself.
Shikamaru is curled against a tree. His head is bowed, his long hair has slid over his right shoulder and is hiding his expression, his legs are drawn up and his arms tucked close to his body. The kid has a small round object in his hands that he keeps turning over and over again. Asuma can't help but wonder what is so important about it that Shikamaru won't put it down for even a moment. Regardless of what the object is, Shikamaru's posture is closed off and it screams 'leave me alone', 'don't touch me', 'stop looking at me'.
Asuma worries and with good reason. That night Chōji wakes up sobbing multiple times. Ino jerks awake at the sound of wood popping and cracking in the fire. Shikamaru doesn't sleep at all. Asuma can tell by the tense lock of the kid's legs.
By morning they are all tired with bruises under their eyes. Chōji's eyes are swollen from all of his crying. Ino's eyes are bloodshot from her lack of sleep. Shikamaru's eyes, though downcast, look red rimmed as if he'd been crying and the dark circles under his eyes are even more prominent than his teammates. Asuma sighs heavily. He doesn't want to push them today, but they have to reach the next outpost.
Ino smiles at him wanly when he approaches the Genin. She's trying to be strong, but there's a weariness to her eyes that she can't hide. Chōji attaches himself to Asuma almost immediately and the Jōnin can't help but think about how he'd once thought that having Genin would the worst thing ever. He doesn't understand how he could have thought that way now. These are his kids and it will be over his cold, dead body that he allows them to be separated from him for any reason other than by their own choice.
(Shikamaru's POV)
The sedate pace Asuma sets for their travel that day wears on Shikamaru's nerves. He knows that Asuma is worried about all of them. He knows that Chōji and Ino probably appreciate the pace after the disaster that was yesterday. He knows these things, but he can't help but want to move! Shikamaru(Hyo) had made his first kill in years yesterday. He can still feel the familiar tacky, wet heat of blood on his right hand. He can still remember the shock he'd felt at how easy it still was to end the life of another person when he'd finally unlocked his emotions.
And the pain, the grief, he still feels at finding that green healing materia? It tears at the inside of his chest and it feels as new as it had when he'd first awakened to this life he has now. The scars are all ripped open and he wants nothing more than to move and keep moving until he can't go any further. Until the pain in his body overrides the pain in his heart. He wants to be so exhausted that he passes out and doesn't dream of the past, of the should haves, could haves, would haves. He doesn't want to see the dead in his dreams. Doesn't want to see them alive and beautiful and happy only to wake up and lose them all over again.
His dreams are a cruel fantasy based around a reality that no longer exists. Only in some ways it still does. How else would materia exist in this world? Had the Lifestream recreated the Cetra? Did any of them still live? Or were they nothing more than myth and legend in this day and age?
Shikamaru both does and doesn't want to know. He does because maybe it means that he really will be reunited with his family someday. He doesn't because if the Cetra were gone then it might mean that more than just the Lifestream had relocated. And he can't handle that, can't handle the thought that maybe all of it had been for naught and that he'll wind up fighting a losing battle. Again.
Shikamaru falls deeper into his own thoughts as he and his team travel and he wishes that he could run. He wishes could run so fast and so far that his thoughts will be left behind for an undeterminable amount of time. He's so very tired in mind and spirit that he just wants one moment of oblivion, one moment where he doesn't have to think or feel. He's so deep in his own thoughts that he never sees the worried looks Asuma sends his way. He doesn't see the way Chōji and Ino keep looking at one another, their faces becoming more and more concerned the longer his silence holds.
All Shikamaru can see are the broken pieces of his past. A past that haunts him as surely as any ghost.
(Asuma's POV)
Asuma is relieved when his team's mission is complete and, while he's still worried as hell, he pushes them hard to get back to Konoha. To his surprise, Shikamaru takes to the pace like a duck to water. The kid doesn't complain or even look unhappy at how fast they are moving. Chōji and Ino don't complain either, but he sees the way they lean on one another when he allows them to rest. Shikamaru, on the other hand, can't seem to sit still.
He paces and seems to be turning himself inside out with the need to move, to push forward. It's very out of character for the kid, but then again, he had killed someone. Asuma has already talked to Ino and Chōji about their kill by this time, but Shikamaru has been utterly silent since he'd found the kid with blood on his hand. Asuma wishes that he could get a peek into the kid's head to get a better idea of where the Nara is mentally and emotionally. He knows that it isn't going to happen and hopes that Nara Shikaku is up to the challenge of working out the knots his kid has tied himself into.
(Shikamaru's POV)
Shikamaru is relieved to see the gates of Konoha less than a week after the incident with the Iwa Shinobi. He hasn't been able to find rest even with the harsh pace that Asuma had set on their way back. Every time he thought he would be able to sleep the dreams had come. Just as Shikamaru had known they would. He needs to get away from his team for awhile, needs the peace of mind that only the harshest of training schedules can give.
He doesn't really pay attention to anything except putting one foot in front of the other. He just needs to last through the meeting with the Hokage and then he'll be able to do what he needs to do. Tension works it's way into his shoulders, tightens his jaw into a painful clench, bunches the muscles of his legs. He's almost vibrating with it and a migraine begins to pulse to his heartbeat. He ignores the pain with practiced ease.
A hand landing on his shoulder has him jerking back with a rumbling snarl and suddenly Sarutobi Hiruzen is there kneeling in front of him with dark, worried eyes.
"Are you okay, Shikamaru-kun?" The Hokage doesn't try to touch him again.
Shikamaru struggles to understand for a moment. He's been immersed in his own thoughts long enough that his own language sounds unfamiliar. Then he remembers, Midgardian Standard isn't spoken here. He opens his mouth to speak, closes it, tries again. Finally, he his voice comes out as a rasping growl, "No, not okay."
A full body shudder causes him to lock his muscle and he grits out, "Need to pass the fuck out. Can't 'cause 'm not tired enough."
Hiruzen's eyes sharpen with understanding. "Will you be capable of turning in your report after you've managed to rest?"
Shikamaru nods once, jerkily. The elderly Hokage sighs and gestures to the window. "I'm certain that going through the whole building again will do you no good, so may leave through the window just this one time. But rest assured, Shikamaru, I will be expecting your report once your father tells me that you are coherent enough to do so. Have I made myself clear?"
"Yes." Shikamaru doesn't hesitate to disappear once the man moves.
(Neji's POV)
Neji has just entered the training ground he normally uses for his private train when he realizes that it's already occupied. By Nara Shikamaru no less. Neji's eyes widen as he takes in the trashed clearing and the Nara who is going through sword kata with sweat pouring down his face and bare chest. It's obvious that he's been here for quite some time since the Nara's skin is clearly starting to take on a hue that screams sunburn and the other male's ribs are heaving with each gasping breath he takes. It's clear that he's over exerted himself, but, for some reason unknown to Neji, the darker male is pushing himself to the point of collapse.
Neji carefully edges around the Nara until he is in the other's line of sight and he holds his hand up in a sign of peace when those dark eyes snap up to stare at the Hyūga. He waits patiently as the Nara continues to stare. He'll wait however long is necessary if it keeps the other male calm. Finally, the Nara's tension breaks with a shiver of his shoulders and he swallows heavily as the practice sword lowers. The Nara lets out a breath that shakes as his eyes close.
Neji takes an audible, yet cautious, step forward. When the Nara doesn't react, Neji takes another step forward and then another. Slowly, steadily, he moves forward until he's able to touch the Nara. Neji's fingertips skim over the Nara's knuckles before his hands gently peel bloodied fingers away from the hilt of the practice sword. He carefully tosses the practice sword to one side and, softly, he murmurs, "You've certainly done a number on your hands. They will need bandages and time to heal before you pick up that practice sword again."
He lifts his eyes from the Nara's damaged hands to try and assess the younger male's mood. There are dark bruises from a clear lack of sleep under those closed off eyes. The bruises are so dark, in fact, that they look painful. He'd seen the Nara exhausted before the other had gone missing, but never this badly. Neji skims his palms lightly over the Nara's forearms and then, when he doesn't react beyond an exhausted shiver, over his biceps to his shoulders.
The shivers are more prominent now and Neji gently applies pressure to Nara's shoulders. Neji isn't surprised when the Nara's knees buckle in a controlled decent. He follows the other down, gracefully folding his legs underneath himself. Neji removes his hands and takes medical supplies and a small canteen out of his pouch. He carefully turns the Nara's hands over to pour the water over them and the Nara's fingers twitch. Neji looks up quickly, but the Nara remains still and silent under his concerned gaze.
"Does it hurt?" Neji keeps his voice soft. Something is telling him that moving too fast or speaking too loudly will cause the Nara to react badly, perhaps even violently. He watches as the other slowly shakes his head.
Neji doesn't believe him, but he nods anyway and says, "Okay. Is it all right for me to finish cleaning your wounds?"
The darker skinned male nods and Neji continues. He tears off some bandages to use as a sponge and gently wipes away the blood and water. The Nara's hands have large sores from practicing for so long that blisters had formed, popped and widened. Neji winces, he doesn't know what had caused the Nara to literally train until he was bleeding, but it couldn't have been anything good. Once he has the Nara's hands as dry as possible, Neji begins to dab the ointment that Hinata had made onto the sores as well as the reddened areas that may form blisters too.
The Nara is quiet throughout his treatment and Neji only looks up once he's done bandaging his hands. The Nara is looking at him when he does and Neji takes a slow, deep breath to hide his surprise. He blinks as the younger male stares at him and continues to take slow, deep breaths. The best thing to do in a situation like this is to stay calm and allow the other to set the pace from here. The other male's eyes are so very dark, Neji notices, dark and still and steady in a way that is no where near childish.
Finally, something flickers through the depths of those too dark eyes and they close as his blank expression begins to break. The Nara quietly rasps out, "I'm... tired."
Somehow, Neji gets the feeling that he's talking about more than the physical exhaustion that is shaking the lithe male's frame. Neji takes a moment to consider his options before he slowly reaches up with his right hand. He carefully lays it on the Nara's shoulder again and the Nara lets out another shaking breath. Slowly, he moves his hand until he is cradling the back of the Nara's neck. He cautiously digs his fingertips into the knotted muscles there and the Nara jerks sharply, his lashes flickering, before he slowly relaxes again.
He loosens his grip before tightening it again. His actions gain him a shudder, but the Nara doesn't try to pull away. He does it again, then again, slowly adding pressure until the Nara is leaning against him and his forehead is on Neji's right shoulder. The Nara's breaths are still shivering out of him with ever inhale and exhale, but slowly, surely, he is relaxing under Neji's experienced fingers. He keeps doing this until the Nara is completely limp against him and his breaths are deep and even.
It takes him a moment to realize that the reason why the other is so still is because the Nara is passed out, dead to the world in sleep. Neji carefully shifts the Nara so that he can move the other male into a more comfortable position and somehow winds up cradling the smaller male in his arms as he tries to determine where to go from here. Finally, Neji chooses to settle down against a tree with the Nara settled in his lap, his head pillowed on the Hyūga's shoulder. Neji's eyes soften as TenTen's words suddenly begin to run through his mind again. He remembers the Nara's too dark eyes and wonders, yet again, what possibly could have happened to Nara Shikamaru after he had been announced MIA.
(Midgar - Aerith's POV)
Aerith digs her fingers into the loose soil of the flower bed in the abandoned church of Sector Five as lantern light plays over her and the white and yellow flowers. Her eyes are clouded over in worry. A week ago, the most desperate emotional cry she's ever experienced had ripped through the Lifestream. It had shocked and distressed her so much that she had been unable to respond to the bitter sadness and loneliness immediately. By the time she had recovered, it was already too late. The person in question was constantly on the move and their mental state had made it impossible for her to connect with them.
Since then, Aerith has been keeping tabs on the roiling mass of emotions. Aerith takes a deep breath and lets her consciousness become one with the Lifestream, gently asking the Planet to guide her and keep her safe on her spiritual journey. She drifts along the currets of the Lifestream until she finally reaches the focal point of the cry. She gathers her strength and gently parts the barrier between realms and Aerith would have cried had she still been in a physical form. For there, in her view, is the missing family member she and the rest of AVALANCHE have been missing so much. Hyo is much as she remembers, only now he is so much younger.
As it is, Aerith can do nothing but watch, grief stricken, as she watches her Kitten and as another young man shifts himself into the warrior's line of sight. His hands are held up in a universal sigh of meaning no harm. They both look so young, but Hyo looks tired. She senses the mild spike of violence that shoots through Hyo and she reaches out to calm him. She whispers, "No. No, Hyo. He doesn't mean you any harm, sweetie. He just wants to help."
She isn't sure whether she's managed to reach him, but Hyo suddenly shivers and his lashes sweep down. The bruises under his eyes are so dark and she can feel how tired he is now. The exhaustion runs so deep that it is physically painful for him to keep standing, but his emotional distress and grief won't allow him to rest. As the other boy reaches out to Hyo, Aerith pulls upon her powers further. She reaches for her endless love and affection for her littlest brother and pushes it out towards the grieving man in a child's body.
It wraps around Hyo just as the pale eyed boy lays his hands on her brother's own hand and she feels Hyo's will to keep standing start to crumble. When the other boys applies gentle pressure to Hyo's shoulders, he sinks down with the other boy. Aerith watches as the boy cleans and treats her brother's self inflicted wounds. She knows that they are self inflicted because she'd seen him train during their journey to stop Sephiroth. He'd often had similar wounds that she had treated more than once.
Sadness flows through her as she hears her brother speak for the first time without forcing the words out, without the pain that speaking had brought him. His voice is hoarse and rasping and oh so tired, but not unpleasant. She remembers when his voice was a growl that had grated against his vocal cords and she's grateful that Hyo will never have to be under Hojo's scalpel ever again.
She closes her eyes and her voice sobs out, "Oh, my sweet Kitten, I'm so sorry we can't be there with you. But I promise, one day we'll all come to you and we'll be a family again. I know it's hard, but just wait for us a little longer. Once we've completed our mission, we'll come home to you. I swear!"
She curls the weight of this promise around him and does her best to give him what little support she can from where she is. It isn't much, but she prays to Minerva that it will be enough to keep him going. She prays that Hyo will find someone to anchor him and support him. And, as she opens her eyes and watches as the pale eyed boy gently starts to guide her brother into sleep, she prays that he'll take this moment with him when he wakes up. To that end, Aerith tightens her spiritual hold on her brother and begins to sing*.
"Lay down your head and I'll sing you a lullaby
Back to the years of loo-li lai-lay
And I'll sing you to sleep and I'll sing you tomorrow
Bless you with love for the road that you go.
May you sail fair to the far fields of fortune
With diamonds and pearls at your head and your feet
And may you need never to banish misfortune
May you find kindness in all that you meet.
May there always be angels to watch over you
To guide you each step of the way
To guard you and keep you safe from all harm
Loo-li, loo-li, lai-lay..."
(Konoha - Shikamaru's POV)
When someone, a Hyūga no less, steps into Shikamaru's line of sight, he isn't feeling very charitable. He's tired, upset, and on the verge of a mental breakdown. He doesn't want to deal with people and he almost says as much, almost opens his mouth to let go of a cutting remark, but something tells him to stop, to wait, as the boy raises his hands. He watches the Hyūga as the pale eyed boy stares back and a shudder tears through him as Shikamaru finally closes his eyes to shield himself from that penetrating gaze. He feels far too raw and torn open to keep looking into those opalescent eyes.
He hears the boy take a step. There is a moment of hesitation and then he hears another step and then another, a whisper of sandals through the grass. He's far too tired to fight by the time the Hyūga touches his hands and gently starts to pry his aching fingers away from the hilt they are so tightly clenched around. The Hyūga removes the practice sword from his hands and he hears it hit the ground as the boy murmurs in a soft voice, "You've certainly done a number on your hands. They will need bandages and time to heal before you pick up that practice sword again."
The open wounds begin to throb and sting now that they are exposed to the air, but the pain is distant, barely noticeable to someone who has suffered through far worse. He doesn't answer the Hyūga, he doesn't have the strength to. He feels the Hyūga's hands settle briefly at his wrists before the other male's palms skim over his forearms. It almost feels like the Hyūga is checking for more injuries than the ones on his hands and fingers. Shikamaru shivers as the Hyūga's hands reach his biceps and he thinks somewhat darkly, 'You aren't going to find anymore injuries. Not unless you have some way to expose a person's soul. Gods, I'm so tired...'
Then those hands are settling on his shoulders, just as gentle as before, but with an insistent pressure. His exhaustion peaks and Shikamaru stops fighting it. He lets himself be pressed down, his knees giving out as his strength fails him. He doesn't open his eyes as he listens to the Hyūga shift around and the faint rustling of paper. The sound of a lid being unscrewed catches his attention just before cool water flows over his hands. Shikamaru feels his fingers twitch as the stinging in his hands briefly becomes stabbing.
"Does it hurt?"
'No,' he thinks. And truly it doesn't. He doesn't register pain the way other people do. In fact, he pretty much used to a base line level of discomfort. Minor wounds like these don't even get a number to help describe how much pain he might be in. Well, maybe they would, but it would be a negative number. Then he remembers that he was just asked a question. Shikamaru shakes his head in answer.
He doesn't think the Hyūga believes him, but the other male says nothing. Instead, he just turns his attention back to Shikamaru's hands. The faintest bit of curiosity has the Nara's eyes opening to watch the other boy as he bows his head to get a better look at the wounds. The Hyūga is as gentle as he can possibly be as he cleans each wound thoroughly before uncapping a small container of some sort of salve. The Hyūga coats it rather thickly over the open sore and applies a lighter coat to the reddened areas of his hands and fingers.
Shikamaru blinks slowly as the Hyūga proceeds to bandage his hand with the deft easiness of an expert. His eyes drift to the bandages covering Hyūga's right hand and muses that the other probably is an expert. It would take a lot of practice to get bandages that neat by yourself. When the Hyūga finishes, he starts to look up and Shikamaru doesn't have the strength to force himself to look away. He watches as the Hyūga blinks and for a long moment they just watch each other.
The longer he watches the Hyūga, the more obvious it becomes that the other male isn't going to break the silence any time soon. Which is...nice? Yes, it's nice to know that the other doesn't intend to push Shikamaru into talking before he's ready to do so. Finally, Shikamaru closes his eyes and rasps out, "I'm... tired."
It's a statement, a confession, that encompasses so much more than his physical exhaustion. He's so tired that he aches down to the very marrow of him bones. He's heartsore and world weary and so very done with trying to be strong. The Hyūga settles a hand on his left shoulder and Shikamaru wonders what the other male sees in him that he would offer this much comfort to a complete stranger. The exhausted shaking that he's been trying to hold back is getting stronger and he shudders as the hand on his shoulder smooths up and around to the back of his neck.
The Hyūga's fingertips begin to dig into the back of his neck and Shikamaru jerks at the pain that flares up under the Hyūga's grip, but also partially due to alarm. Then the grip slackens and the pain eases, but... it doesn't fade the way pain normally does for him and, suddenly, Shikamaru is acutely aware of the tension he carries in his neck, his shoulders, his back. The Hyūga's grip tightens again and Shikamaru shudders as the pain flares and eases yet again. The next time the other male's grip tightens, Shikamaru is ready for it and he decides that perhaps this isn't so bad.
By the time Shikamaru realizes that he's slipping, it's already too late and Shikamaru allows the black oblivion that reaches for him to take him without a fight as the strains of a barely remembered lullaby flit through his fading consciousness.
Endnotes: I hope you guys enjoy this chapter, because I am emotionally drained by this. Urgh...It didn't want to end.
But you get some treats this chapter. Neji and Shikamaru meet "officially" for the first time. Aerith does her best to help her baby brother now that he has a physical part of the Lifestream with him. Shikamaru finally calms down enough to actually pass the heck out.
This meeting between Neji and Shikamaru will be the start of their friendship, not the start of a romantic relationship between them. That's still some years down the road, because Shikamaru looks at Neji and, since he doesn't know that Neji is kind of like him in the fact that the Hyūga is a man in a child's body, he sees a kid. Neji is the same except for the fact that he suspects that Shikamaru is definitely more than people think he is. However, Shikamaru's body is still that of a child's and that isn't his thing. So there is no immediate or mutual physical attraction to each other.
Anyway, let me know what you think about this chapter. What part did you like most? What do you think could have been better?
Again, I'm talking to my lurkers in the dark too! So please don't be shy and let me know what you think!