Torian and I stop to get a drink from the cantina.
We don't talk much. As we leave he stops in my path. 'Want to talk when we get back to the ship.' My chest tightens. It's a statement yet his voice speaks it as a question. We have been talking more recently. At dinners, he tells me of battles and his heroes. Says I remind him of a friend. Still don't know if that's good or bad. I don't talk of my fights. They're far from honourable.
I am tired. Nights are restless. Memories prey upon me. I need more sedatives. When we return, I take some tranquilisers in my room. They aren't working. I lock the door to my room and take off my armour. I look closely in the mirror. The skin around the plates is starting to peel. Yellow is seeping from raw patches. I touch it. It stings. I'm falling apart. I will need to return to them soon. I suppose that's why they haven't attacked me. Only watched. I've already found six tracking devices on this ship. I know there are more. Haven't bothered searching for them. They knew I would have to come back. Next time, they will never let me go. I'd like to see them try and keep me. For now, I will hold back.
I put some loose clothes on, covered neck to ankle. I put some boots on and then my gloves. Look at my face in the mirror before going down. It hasn't started to deteriorate yet. I try a smile. It's a forced, fake thing. My red lips stretching to white; cheery elastic straps that reveal white teeth; rectangle pearls separated at random by small white pyramids. It's a terrifying smile; not ugly, but not your typical beauty. I stare at the fake, queer thing for a long time.
But pain racks through my body again. I double over. I wait for it to subside. I bite my tongue to hold back the screams. It's bleeding again. My teeth dig into partially healed cuts. I have been hiding this. Pushing through it out there. I wait for the time to come back here. And crumple.
Slowly, I leave my room. Dinner is ready. We eat at the small table in the part between the holo room and bridge. It's the four of us. Gault tells anecdotes. Mako tells jokes. Amusing bites at the news and leading figures. Torian smiles in a serious way. I listen. I focus on their voices to keep me locked on the ground. Focusing on that lessens my awareness of the ache in my body. It helps me keep control of something inside me. Eventually, Gault gets some more wine. Much more wine. Mako passes out and Torian carries her to bed.
Gault and I haven't talked after our last conversation.
'He likes you.' I raise my fist to punch him but Gault quickly 'whoa whoa whoas' me out of it. 'I didn't say you liked him. I'm merely saying. It's obvious he has a really big thing for you. Don't know why, but he does.' Gault shakes his head and has some more to drink.
'A little jealous are we?' I sneer at Gault. He scoffs. And smiles a little. I shake my head. 'Nah. He's got a thing for Mako.'
'Noooo, in your crazy screwed up head he has a thing for Mako.' I don't believe him. I shake my head and pour us some more wine.
Torian comes back. He stares at me. Pointedly. Gault laughs, nudges me, and wanders off. I scowl at his back.
Torian and I move to the cargo hold. We sit on our crates and continue drinking. He tells me a few Mandalorian legends. I know them already, from years back. But I like listening to his voice. It soothes me. It brings them to life. They start breathing.
But his eyes are uncomfortable. There are things in them I'm not sure I want to acknowledge. I feel they will see the pain behind my eye. The worry and hurt. The fury. The disgust. The rot. The dark blue eyes watch me as he falls silent. I look at my gloved hands resting on the table. I flex my fingers. I shiver when I imagine the decay under the leather.
'Mind if I ask you a personal question?' He tries to shrug it off as nonchalant.
I hold back my flinch. I try to sound derisive. Like I don't want this. 'Gona make me talk about my feelings already?'
He smiles in that small way. ''Fraid so.' I can't help but return it.
'If you want to ask me something then ask. But, if I answer it, then I get to ask you something personal in return.'
He doesn't smile anymore. I don't know where I stand now. No nodding. But no smile. 'Fair enough.' He shrugs. I think that's good. 'Why did you enter the Great Hunt?'
I waver. It makes the pain come forward. Turns into a sway. I grip the 'table' to steady myself. 'It's not something I can just sum up. Lots of things led to it.' Seemed natural. After my first kills. After my training. Like I was born for it.
He nods. He isn't satisfied, but doesn't push. I am thankful. 'Next hunt that's called, I'm going to enter.' So much to prove. I didn't think I would live to see what came after the hunt. Not because of a rival. They are weak. Easy. But because of what stalks me. Them. My memories. My body. Myself.
'Worthy aim.' My turn. 'Why did you decide to come with me? You got your honour back. Why not stay?' I'm curious. Never thought to ask. There some questions I can't answer. Maybe there are some he can't answer as well.
'That's two questions.' He's teasing. I don't know what to do. 'You're much prettier than the Commander.' He tries to meet my eye. He's sweet, in a serious kind of way. His mouth twitches.
'That's not hard. Means you would have run away with the first Wookie you saw too.' We laugh a little. 'So you think I'm pretty?' I scoff a little. I don't want to hear a lie. And I don't want him to know how much the answer will matter to me. My chest aches.
His smile twists into something teasing and mocking. 'That's not how this game works. I think it's my turn now.' I nod. No lies. 'But it is the truth. You are.' He looks away awkwardly. He takes another swig of his drink. He leans forward and forces me to look at him. 'Are you seeing anyone?'
What I don't spit out of my drink I choke on. It breaks my concentration. Pain. I can't stop it. I stay still and don't move. I didn't expect this. Sudden and blunt. Very him. I cringe a little. I hope he doesn't see. I can't look at him anymore. I look into my drink. Don't like anyone, huh?
'No, it gets in the way of business.' I feel him nod. Miss. 'But I might be persuaded, by the right guy.' I try to sound casual. Subtle. He smiles. Hit.
'I'll have to remember that.' Seems he wants to remember a lot. His eyes are intent. This is stupid. I am being stupid. He's just a kid. Don't do this to him. Don't do this to yourself.
'What about you? Is there a Mando girl?' My vision is going black in my real eye. The world shifts from real, to thermal, to real, to thermal. I flex my fingers. Concentrate on other things. They are hard to move. I am slowing down. I need to leave. I should leave. I think about walking upstairs to my room. About walking to the cockpit and setting a new destination. For once, I don't do what is easier. I only think about it.
He leans back. Always watching. I'm scared my face is starting to weep. There is a ringing in my ears.
He considers me. 'No. Thinking about it, though.' I don't know what to say. I try not to think it, but amongst the ringing it echoes in my mind. Maybe Gault was right.
'So tell me: what does Torian Cadera look for in a woman?' I smirk at him. Tease. I hope it covers the pain and anxiousness inside.
He looks away, partly due to mock deep deliberation. Partly from embarrassment. It's a little endearing. 'Think it was my turn.' I sneer a little. Nice avoidance. 'What kind of guy does a Grand Champion of the Great Hunt go for?'
'Don't know about the others, but I'd have to say... they have to be able to kill. And like to kill. That would be necessary. And strong. Loyal. Genuine. Honest. Have a great body.' I give him a twisted, teasing smile. 'Someone like you.' I look at his mouth. It kind of opens and closes a little. His teeth flash as he smiles. I wish hadn't spoken straight away. Wanted to play it off as a joke. I didn't want to put myself in the open. Wasn't thinking straight. Or at all.
I look away. 'My turn. My question still stands: what does Torian Cadera look for in a woman?' Don't want the answer but I don't want the silence that was coming. I look at him. He's looking away as well. His heart is beating fast and his breathing is heavy.
'She has to be Mandalorian. And she has to be a better shot than me.' He looks at me out of the corner of his eye.
'Guess that rules Mako out twice then.' We laugh a little. My chest feels relief. Didn't mean to say it out loud though. 'But aside from being Mando, you just described everyone on Hutta.'
He laughs and throws his head back a little. I want him. He has a large smile on his face, but he hides it behind a hand. 'Ouch. Guess I'll have to check out Hutta, then.' I like it when his serious face is open and smiling. I like making him smile. It's like a small victory. He leans closer.'I was hoping there might be one closer around, though.' I choke. I can't breathe. I can't look at him either. He is staring at me intently. No missing his meaning. Not even for me.
'So never left any Mando girls heartbroken on Duxn, then?' Don't think there were no girls. Just not many. 'Sometimes I wish he had.' Mustn't of been easy for the kid. Would have been tough. But I know there's worse.
He shrugs. 'A few. Couldn't say they were heartbroken.' He shrugs again. It's history. I can tell from his voice he didn't like them much. No touchy history there. Feel a little relived at that. Not sure I like competition. When did I start thinking like this? ' They didn't meet my third requirement.' His smile is teasing and gorgeous.
'And what's that?' I have to ask. Though a proud voice in my head hates me for it. I can't resist him. That smile.
Torian leans closer to me. I find myself leaning in to. 'She has to be pretty.' He winks and leans back, chuckling a little. I like the way he teases. I like the way he smiles. It make my body stops for a moment and then start again faster. I feel flushed and look away. It brings the pain back. My spine, my chest, my hands. They ache.
'Come on. It's late. We fight the Maw pirates tomorrow. We can talk later, cyare.'
I stand and leave. I can't speak. So I don't reply. I have things to think about. I walk slowly up the steps. He watches. Just a few more steps. I fall in the doorway to my study. My body half slithers and half crawls to the foot of my bed. I struggle out of my armour and I pull the blanket off my bed and lie on the ground.
Everything goes thermal.