OH MY GOSH! Yes, I know it's going through your minds; the shock, the surprise, the anger and hopefully relief at my continual of this fanfic. It's been a long while since I updated! I APOLOGISE! And yes, I promised some of you one-shots, they are still coming , I promise : )

What can I say? SORRY! Again, but I've had a lot going on. The updates should be fairly regular from here on out.

Ummmm, and this chapter may be a bit choppy and repetitive because I kept getting stuck and leaving it be for long periods of time. DAMNED WRITERS BLOCK!

Anyhow, enjoy, and even though I've been away for ages, please, please review!

"I forgot to say out loud,

How beautiful you really are to me,

I cannot be without,

You're my perfect little punching bag,

And I need you, I'm sorry…"

Pink, "Please Don't Leave Me"

It started playing while I was writing this chapter : )

Tonks cast sideways glances at Remus as they left The Burrow. He had the look about him of a man trying to be casual despite an inner struggle but failing miserably. She wondered what it was that Dumbledore had said to him that made him look this way. His expression was a mix of melancholic confusion, determination and dread. Though she wondered, she did not let on as they said their goodbyes to the Weasleys' who apparently noticed nothing out of the ordinary with Remus.

"Goodbye Molly," Tonks said sincerely, "Thankyou for dinner."

Molly smiled at them as Remus nodded in agreement, no-one but Tonks noticing that he nodded a fraction too late, or that his look of gratitude seemed slightly forced.

"No problem my dear," she said, "You are both much too thin anyway. You should really come around more often."

Tonks smiled and nodded. "Sure Molly," she told her, "We'll come around again soon."

As the others exchanged goodbyes with them, Remus still seemed absent. His eyes were far away and Tonks could feel that his focus was elsewhere. Saying one last goodbye to Molly, Tonks took Remus' hand and turned away from the door. His fingers were cold as she gripped them and walked into the darkness, away from the safety of The Burrow.

She stopped just outside the boundary and peered at Remus through the darkness but he did not meet her eyes, staring at his shoes. Tonks sighed, struggling with the curiosity that was eating away at her, knowing that he would tell her when he was ready and that until then she would need to be patient.

She raised her hand to Remus' face, cupping his cheek with her hand and willing him to look at her. At her touch he raised his eyes to meet her worried ones and sighed.

"Alright?" she asked him, her brow furrowed worriedly.

He swallowed nervously and nodded, raising his hand to cover hers and intertwining their fingers before taking her other hand with his. Bringing their joined hands to rest between them, he closed his eyes and focused, letting the pull of apparition carry them both back to Tonks' apartment.

-RL&NT-

The apparition did nothing to quell the ever-rising sense of despair that flooded through Remus' body and mind. The feel of Tonks' hand in his usually made him feel warm but tonight he felt colder than any living man had right to feel. He shuddered involuntarily as a wave of regret and anticipation washed over him and let go of Tonks' hand, feeling suddenly traitorous in the face of what he knew he had to do to her.

Tonks stared worriedly at Remus as she saw the panicked look in his eyes flicker and fade into something harder and unreadable. She'd never felt further away from him than she did in that one moment where his eyes went blank and she couldn't help the sense of foreboding that stole over her as he let her hand go with a shudder, his face showing the slightest signs of regret. Confusion gripped her and mingled with the fear: What could he be possibly be regretting? She frantically thought back over her memories of the past few days. Was there something she'd done?

"Remus?" she questioned, dismayed to hear that her voice was shaking, betraying her fear.

He looked away as he answered. "Yes?"

Tonks swallowed back the fear that was overtaking her. Whatever he had to say wasn't good news and she'd never seen him act this way towards her; or towards anyone really. "What's the matter Remus?" she asked him softly.

Remus hesitated before replying, unable to gather the strength to tell her yet. "Nothing," he told her forcefully.

"Nothing?" Tonks forced herself to laugh and it sounded so out of place in the tense and silent room that it only increased her anxiety. "Remus, don't treat me like a fool. I know something is wrong."

Remus was silent. Nothing short of acting like his usual self would convince her that he was fine. That aside, he wasn't fine; was far from it, and he had no chance of pretending nothing was wrong in front of the one person left that could read him like a book, especially in the face of what he was about to do that very person.

"Remus-"

"I know that you aren't a fool," he told her, his voice quiet yet firm.

"Prove it," Tonks said, her voice hard; anything to get him to look at her again. He was still close enough for her to touch, to reach out and cup a hand to his face and force him to look her in the eyes. She resisted the urge to touch him, terrified that if she did, he'd turn away. The anguish was rolling off him in waves and she could feel something else; as though his magic straining against him, almost like he was only just holding it under control.

Still Remus did not turn to look at her but shut his eyes instead and let out a sigh which relieved none of the anxiety he felt. "Tonks, please don't-"

Something inside Tonks snapped then. "Don't what Remus?" she snarled, "Don't be worried because you've come back from that meeting looking like death itself? That's a hypocritical thing to say. You'd ask me what was wrong if I walked in from a meeting as upset as you are right now."

Remus sighed again, his colour pale and tiredness etched on every line of his face: He looked older now than she'd ever seen him look. "I'm not upset," he tried to tell her.

Tonks shook her head and sighed. "What did Dumbledore say to you Remus?" Noting that he flinched at the mention of Dumbledore she kept speaking, "It was him, wasn't it? What did he say to you?"

Remus just shook his head, trying to find the strength to tell her that he had to leave. Try as he might, he couldn't summon enough courage to tell her that they had to be apart now, for her own safety. Memories from earlier that night flooded his mind.

"I see," Dumbledore had sighed, "Just be prepared Remus. This mission may turn long-term if this shorter trip has any effect. You are free to object but-"

"-but we both know that I'll do it anyway," Remus had finished flatly, knowing that he really had no choice; how could he refuse to help whenever he could?

Dumbledore had sighed and studied the man in front of him. He'd seen a multitude of emotions flicker through Remus' eyes. In them he'd seen first helplessness and pain before the look had shifted into a mixture of regret and determination before hardening into the eyes of a man in agony. Finally, the pained look had faded into nothing and he was left looking into a set of hard, blank eyes; eyes he'd never seen in the face of the man in front of him. "When do you want to-"

Remus cut him off, his voice as hard and cold as his eyes. "Tomorrow."

Dumbledore's eyes had then lost some of their previously eminent sparkle as he had watched Remus glance in Tonks' direction, noting the way his hard eyes had softened a little into a look of sadness before he'd turned back to Dumbledore, his eyes free of the pain, replaced with a look of intense determination. "Remus, you need not leave so soon."

Remus had shaken his head in a show of obduracy. "No, the sooner I infiltrate the werewolf pack, the better," he'd said firmly.

Dumbledore had looked at him with a truly saddened expression, hating the effects of the war on those who didn't deserve it. "Surely you have loose ends to tie before you go," Dumbledore said, his eyes flitting to Tonks. "Is there nothing holding you here?"

Remus had not let his eyes follow Dumbledore's. "There may be loose ends to tie," he had said, referring to Tonks when he spoke the words, "But nothing that will keep me from helping in any way that I can."

And Dumbledore had understood as he usually did. Remus was willing to sacrifice everything in order to help in every way he could. The thing was though, was that Remus didn't need to sacrifice everything and he didn't need to let go of everyone that loved him just because he believed he wasn't good enough or because he felt the noble need to protect them.

"As you wish Remus," he had said, voice tinged with regret, and the conversation had turned to details and plans regarding Remus' upcoming penetration of Fenrir Greyback's pack of wolves.

Remus' mind had turned back to the present as he studied Tonks and this time she could hardly recognise his eyes. Normally so expressive, Remus' eyes had shifted into something more like hard, glittering balls of ice. She could detect no warmth amidst the determination that filled his resigned eyes and she cringed inwardly.

"Tonks," Remus said, his voice as flat as his eyes. He knew what he had to say now and he was in the frame of mind to do it. He'd managed now to convince himself that leaving was for the best, that it was the best thing for Tonks. However, part of him was screaming that once he'd left her, he'd find that he'd made the biggest, most irreversible mistake that he'd ever made. He swallowed and continued. "Tonks. I think it's for the best if we didn't do this anymore."

As he said the words, Tonks knew in her heart that she had been expecting them all this time. This dream had been too good to be true and he was too good to be hers. She'd known that he would see his own worth one day, and that when he did, he'd leave her. The shock at realizing that she'd been expecting this day for some time held her emotions in check, the only sign of her distress was the clenching of her fists and the panic in her eyes.

When she spoke, her voice was calmer than she had expected it to be. "Why?" she asked, although she feared she already knew.

"Because I'm too old, too poor and too…"

"Dangerous, yeah, I know, and you know what I think of that load of -"

"Tonks." This time, she could detect a hint of pain in his eyes as he spoke and so she paused but the hurt look on her face said what she didn't say aloud. Didn't she deserve to have a say in this? How could he just decide to leave her?

"Tonks," he repeated, rubbing a hand over his jaw and closing his eyes. "Just don't…"

She was silent for a moment before stepping closer to him and speaking softly. "Don't what Remus?" she asked him quietly, "Don't ask you to stay? Don't have my say in the matter? Don't be upset that you're leaving me?"

He didn't reply, didn't even open his eyes, but she knew his mind was racing at a million miles an hour. It was in the clench of his jaw, eminent in the way his fingers turned white as he held his head in his hands and turned away. Tonks swallowed, the tears threatening to spill over as she wondered if this was the last time she'd ever see him. Wasn't she enough to keep him here?

A sob escaped her as she realised that nothing about her could possibly keep a man like him, and he turned to face her with anguish in his eyes. Hadn't she wondered for so long why he hadn't left her, why he had even chosen her in the first place? She was young, in some ways she was naïve, she was colorful and childish, she never liked to take things seriously for too long - in fact, this relationship was one of the only things she'd ever taken so seriously - and then there was the fact that she was stubborn, pushy and a freak. Though part of her screamed that she wasn't a freak, in this moment of self-doubt she couldn't believe in herself. Why couldn't she be enough?

"I know…" Her shoulders shook as she tried to speak. "I know that I'm not… enough… to keep you. There's nothing about me that could make you stay, but I'm asking you please-" She broke off as she felt the painful burning in her throat that meant more tears were on their way. "Please Remus, can't I be enough for you?" She choked on her words but she knew he had understood what she had meant to say. Why aren't I enough for you?

Remus closed the distance between them both and held her face in his hands, staring her in the eyes. "Dora," he said softly, "Dora, you're more than enough for me. It's just… You're everything to me, everything and I won't put you in danger any more than I already have."

Her eyes searched his for the truth. "You're not dangerous Remus," she told him, the tears still running down her cheeks relentlessly.

Remus shook his head. "I may not be… as dangerous, but Greyback is."

Tonks frowned, momentarily confused. "What does Greyback have to do with-" Her eyes widened as realisation hit her. "Remus, no!"

Remus stepped away from her again, feeling almost physically pained by the distance he put between them. Why couldn't she understand that he had to leave her to do this? That he couldn't risk Tonks' life, and that would surely happen if Greyback suspected anything going on between him and Tonks. Besides, he would never expect her to wait for someone like him while he ran with the other werewolves. There would be no wolfesbane…. He closed his eyes again as he considered what he might do when he wasn't in his right mind, as he wondered how much more he'd have to rip his soul apart for the cause.

"Dumbledore has asked me to spy for him," he started to say slowly, "He wants me to convince others of my kind not to turn to the dark side. He wants me to infiltrate Greyback's pack to find those that may be sympathetic to our cause."

Tonks was shaking her head violently before Remus even finished speaking. "You can't Remus! They'll tear you apart. You know damned well that you won't have much influence over the pack. You could be hurt or-" Her throat closed as she thought the word she couldn't manage to say aloud. Killed.

Remus didn't deny it. He did know that he'd have little influence over the pack. He also knew that no matter what Dumbledore said, this was for the long run. He'd have to fully commit because Dumbledore would be asking him to spy for as long as he could, successful or not, because that's just what he had to do and he was the only one who could do it. As much as Dumbledore didn't want to risk lives, he did anyway, because it was the only way that they could have any chance at all of winning the war.

"I know Tonks," he said, "And if he knows that-" The tears started flowing down his own face at his next words. "-That I love you, he'll…" He couldn't finish; she had to understand.

She did understand, though it broke her heart to see him so resigned; like he just didn't care what happened to him. She hated the war for doing this to him, to both of them. War was the reason Remus was shunned from society, war was the reason he didn't see his own worth, war was the reason he was leaving her now and she absolutely hated it.

He had no choice, and this she knew. She'd sat beside him so many times, watching him feel helpless, like there was nothing he could do. She'd seen him living without a purpose for so long, struggling to fight for Harry, for his friends, for the Order but being unable to do anything significantly useful. She knew the feeling of watching as the world fell down around her but being so unable to do anything to stop it. It felt like screaming at the top of her lungs but no-one could hear her. It was like watching the war unravel on a muggle TV and being unable to reach the characters that were playing like pawns in one big bloodbath on the screen.

And because she understood, she had to let him go.

"I know Remus…" she said, "I just…. I can't leave you… You can't leave me." She flung herself at him and wrapped her arms around his waist and hugged him as tightly as she possibly could, as though she could stop him from walking out the door that way.

There was nothing Remus could say to her except that he didn't want to. "I don't want to leave you Dora, Believe me."

"Then don't," Tonks said, pulling away and grabbed one of his hands, her eyes alight with determination. "Look Remus, I understand that you need to leave for this mission of Dumbledore's. I won't ask you to sit out when there is something you could do to help, even though you could be…hurt. Remus, I'm asking you not to leave me. I don't care that you're older, I don't care that you're poor and I don't think you're dangerous, and before you say it-" She raised a hand to stop him from speaking as he opened his mouth to protest. "I know that Greyback is dangerous. I know I'd be in danger if he found out, but we could be careful couldn't we? Remus, you can't leave me over this. You'll go away and then come back and everything will be fine, right?" By the end of her speech she was starting to become frantic again at the look in his eyes, the one that said that he didn't expect to live through this.

Remus shook his head. "I can't promise that I'll be back Dora. Anything could happen to me out there and I won't let you waste your life waiting on an old man who has nothing to give you."

"I only want you," Tonks said fiercely, "Nothing else, only you."

Remus closed his eyes again but didn't speak. What could he even say to that? That he couldn't promise he'd be whole when he got back? That each full moon, he felt another part of him tear away? That each time he changed, he felt less and less worthy? She wasn't stupid; she'd understand.

"How long are you going for Remus?" she asked him, stepping towards him and leaning her head into his chest as she felt his arms close around her.

"Two weeks at first," he told her quietly, "And then longterm after that."

Tonks stiffened a little at hearing the word longterm but recovered quickly. "When do you leave?" she asked him.

It was Remus' turn to stiffen this time as he answered. "Tomorrow, first thing in the morning"

At first she could not react to his words beyond her reeling thoughts. So soon? Before long though, his arms tightening further around her alerted her to the fact that she was shaking. The reality sank in as she realised how little time they had left. Her legs turned to jelly as she realised that very shortly, he would be gone and in terrible danger.

Remus, feeling the instability of her legs and the way her whole body was shaking, picked her up and carried her to the bedroom where he held her against him for a long while, whispering to her, and relishing in the warmth of her body pressed against his, a feeling that would too soon be a mere memory.

It was a long time before he felt her stop shaking and even longer before he heard her try to speak and he could hear the agony in her voice as she did. "Remus, promise me that when you get back, that you'll come here first, because I'll be waiting, whether you like it or not. I won't let you leave me over this. I'll wait for you."

Looking at her agonized, tear-stained face, Remus could not deny her. He pushed the thoughts of Greyback from his mind and promised her carefully that he still loved her and that when he got back, he would come to see her, that he wouldn't leave her.

And as she drifted off to sleep in his arms, Remus lay awake, unable to sleep, wondering just how much the next two weeks would change him. Sometime near early morning, Remus made himself move, and forced himself to walk out the door and not look back, adding on an unspoken ending to his promise.

I won't leave you until I see no other way to keep you safe…

So! There you go guys : ) Once, again, Terribly sorry for the wait.

I'll explain the chapter a bit since it may not read very well. Remus wants to leave Tonks because he seems to think that his place is among the other werewolves and he feels as though once he joins them now, it will be for good, like he'll be tainted by them or something. He's afraid of what he might be made to do to prove allegiance with Greyback's pack, and he's afraid of what he may do without the wolfesbane. He doesn't want to kill, or do anything of the sort but hey, it's Greyback's pack and he's a bit funky like that so he might have to. He doesn't think that this what Tonks deserves. He wants her to find someone better. She doesn't care, blah blah blah, and he ends up promising not to break things off with her, at least until after he gets back. Then he leaves, without saying goodbye, because he's just strange and I though a goodbye scene would be too repetitive.

PLEASE REVIEW! Or else I'll… I know, I'll change the story completely and make Tonks marry Dumbledore and they can have grey-bearded little children. (So if you think that sorta gross, review to save Tonks from such a fate!)