Chapter 24
January 1874
The corridor appeared immense and endless before her eyes, but that wouldn't put her off. Louise had had enough of sitting idle on her rocking chair while looking out of her bedroom window. Even though walking and moving still meant a strenuous effort to her weakened body, she didn't care. She needed to leave that room; she had to breathe some different air than the stuffy atmosphere in her bedroom. Her muscles were still rusty for the lack of activity and her body ached with each motion, but that wasn't as bad as this feeling of uselessness.
That morning Kid had left her settled on her chair after they had eaten breakfast together. They usually followed the same routine. He helped her downstairs and after breakfast he carried her back to the bedroom. Louise got tired quite easily and it was more convenient for her to be in the bedroom in case she wanted to lie down. Lou hated to disturb Kid in his daily routines to ask him for help and she didn't feel comfortable asking Natalie Mortimer either but for very different reasons. That was the reason she spent most of her time in her bedroom, but after the tenth day in a row of this voluntary isolation, Lou was going crazy and decided to venture out on her own.
Louise finally reached the end of the corridor, but now a new problem rose: the stairs. She knew she wouldn't make it to the end without falling down and breaking her neck. She still needed her walking stick to move around and her legs were clumsy and unstable, so she had to find a way to get herself downstairs. After a second's hesitation, she dropped her walking stick, and it rolled down and landed at the foot of the staircase. Then she lowered her body and sat on the top step, and resting her hands on the edge, flanking her hips, she started to crawl down step by step. The whole thing was not as simple as it seemed and when she managed to move her body until the bottom step, she was breathless and tired.
After pausing for a couple of minutes to get her breath back, Louise grabbed the walking stick from the floor and tried to rise to her feet. It took her three attempts to finally stand up and then she shakily trudged along. One of the big windows in the living room gave her a good view outside and she could see Natalie hanging the wet laundry in the yard. Much better, Lou thought. She preferred to be on her own and the last thing she wanted was to be bothered by that woman.
Louise continued towards the kitchen. As she stood at the door, she looked around. It was so weird. Even though this was her home, the place she and Kid had built together, putting all their love in every corner, in every detail, she felt like a stranger, like an uninvited guest in her own house. Everything now had somebody else's stamp and she didn't even dare to touch anything.
Two pots were simmering on the stove, their enticing smells making Lou's stomach rumble. Surprisingly, she was peckish, and crossing to the counter, she pinched a chunk of the bread that had been left to cool. As she ate the soft, still warm bread, her eyes scanned the place and fell on the laundry basket loaded with clean, dry clothes on top of the table.
Louise was sick and tired of feeling like a useless object and wished with all her heart she could soon be the wife and mother that her family deserved. After swallowing the last bite of bread and brushing the crumbs off her blouse front, she sat down at the table and tipped over the basket, spreading the clothes on the table. There were mostly socks and underwear, and Louise got ready to fold the items. She struggled to do the task. Her hands and fingers were still stiff and couldn't move very easily. Her joints hurt like hell, but she continued the job with slow, awkward motions. Not having enough strength in her left hand, she made use of her wrist to pin down the socks and with her clumsy fingers on her right hand she managed to roll them up into a weird ball. Jed's small longjohn bottoms were easy to fold but the whole thing took her longer than it should.
Louise was sweating from the effort. In twenty minutes she had only managed to finish with a few items and a whole pile was still waiting to be taken care of. It was then that Lou heard steps coming closer and as she looked up, to her utter dismay she saw Natalie at the door. "Mrs. McCloud, how did you get here?" the blonde woman asked.
"I found a way."
Natalie didn't reply and walked inside gracefully. Looking at the loaf of bread marred on the counter, she asked, "Who on earth has nipped my bread?"
"It was me," Lou confessed. "I'm sorry, but I was feeling a bit hungry."
Natalie tutted while shaking her head in disapproval. "Mrs. McCloud, you should ask me and Kid first if you want to do something. We can't have you fall sick again."
Louise didn't like the patronizing way Natalie used with her, and something about the tone in which the woman had uttered Kid's and her name in the same sentence made her uncomfortable. The woman sounded friendly but somehow Lou felt all that sugar she put on every word was fake. Louise was jealous of the woman, of the evident fondness her own son felt for Natalie. Even though she tried to engage Jed in conversation when they were at meal times, he never answered her questions or even looked at her, which of course weighed in her soul painfully.
Despite feeling miffed, Lou didn't answer to Natalie's "scolding". She wouldn't bother to spend the little energy she had in something so unimportant and tried to focus her attention on the laundry she had started to fold. Yet, to her shock Natalie walked to the table, put the pile of clothes back in the basket along with those items that had taken Louise so much time and effort to fold.
Lou silently stared at the woman with an expression of total horror. "Excuse me, Mrs. McCloud," Natalie said, motioning to the laundry basket with a tip of her head. "I know you did those clothes, but your husband likes his socks folded in a very particular way and Jed's very fussy about his clothes. Next time ask me and I'll show you. We don't want our men to have complaints, do we?"
Even though she was hopping mad, Lou simply averted her eyes, unable to stand the sight of the woman anymore. Enough was enough. Clutching her walking stick she rose to her feet. "Excuse me," Lou said through gritted teeth, not bothering to hide the irritation from her voice. She bumped into Natalie purposefully as she limped past her, intent on leaving the room but as she was about to slip out, a voice stopped her.
"You aren't going to stay in the living room, are you?" Natalie asked.
"Well, I..."
"I'm going to wash the floor downstairs," the blonde woman said, "and I'd rather not have anybody in the way. If you could get yourself settled somewhere else..." Lou looked at her with an irritated frown and Natalie continued, "Would you like me then to give you a hand to your room?"
"No, no, I'm fine," Louise replied gruffly, turning her back to the blonde woman. "I'll make myself scarce. Don't fret."
While Louise crossed the length of the living room towards the front door, she kept mumbling to herself angrily. Nobody was going to reign over her, especially some pretentious, strange woman. Lou swore to herself that she wouldn't stay locked away one more minute; she wasn't some useless, ugly piece of furniture that needed to be hidden away. This was her house... her home and she'd do as she pleased. Who did this woman think she was? Lou had bitten her tongue this time, but if Natalie tried to boss her around once again, she'd show that missy who the real Louise McCloud was. It was time she showed everybody, not only that woman, she was ready to resume her interrupted life. She wasn't the withered daisy everybody seemed to think she was. Even though Lou had a long road ahead to heal completely, she felt her inner strength and will had not diminished at all and she was ready to face whatever came to her way.
Louise opened the front door and as soon as she stepped onto the porch, January's bitter cold penetrated her bones. The simple dress she was wearing was not thick enough for the weather outside the house. Kid had bought her new clothes in the last days, even a nice coat, but she didn't know where he had put it. It probably hung in her wardrobe upstairs, and consequently out of her reach now. Lou didn't care about the cold; it really was so good to breathe fresh air and feel the wind on her skin as she dared to edge away from the house.
Even though very slowly, Louise advanced step by step across the yard. When she finally reached the stables, her face lit up as soon as she spotted her black mare in the first stall. "Hey girl, remember me?" she asked, her hand reaching to stroke Lightning's muzzle and the animal licked her hand, which provoked a giggle from Louise. "I'm sorry. I didn't bring you anything today."
Lou could also see the changes that time had left in Lightning. Her black coat that used to be so shiny and smooth was lacking its past luster, her strong build was clearly gone and her lively eyes had acquired a tired, sad glow. "Years have also passed for you, haven't they?" The animal bobbed her head as if she had understood her owner and Lou smiled.
"What the heck are you doing here?"
Louise turned to the loud voice and saw her husband marching to her, followed by Buck and Jeremiah. His reproachful tone was enough to ignite her anger, and after the episode with Natalie she was especially sensitive. "Last time I checked this was my house," Lou barked in an unkind tone. "Or do I need to ask for your permission whenever I want to move?"
Kid came closer to Lou and removing his own coat, he placed it over her shoulders. "It's not that! It's freezing cold and you... don't even have a coat on." Kid helped her into his coat and asked, "Did Natalie give you a hand downstairs?"
The mere mention of the woman's name made Lou's blood boil. "I'm perfectly capable of managing myself without your hired henchwoman."
Kid rested his hand over her tense shoulders and rubbed them comfortingly. "Lou, I'm just worried about you," he said and placed a feathery kiss on the tip of her nose. "That's all."
His gesture tore down her bad temper and after letting a sigh, Louise exclaimed, "Kid, I can't stay in the bedroom all day long... unless you want me to go crazy."
"Lou, Jenny's at home," Buck cut in. "Why don't you go and pay her a visit?"
"Penny's in too," Jeremiah added.
Lou stretched her lips into an awkward gesture. She didn't want to go bothering anybody just because she was idle or bored. Jenny and Penny had their own responsibilities and besides, she still felt very awkward around her former friends. It was as if she had lost the link to them and the conversation didn't flow as easily as she remembered. "Uh, thank you, but that's not what I had in mind," Lou replied, and turning her eyes to her husband, she added, "I simply wanted to visit my old girl. That's all, Mr. McCloud. Is that all right with you?"
Kid grinned at her words, feeling his heart swell with love. With every moment he spent with Lou and with every little rediscovery, he came to realize how much he had missed her. How on earth had he been able to live on without seeing her big eyes or her smile every day? She had been barely back for a few weeks and Kid couldn't conceive life without her. The sky seemed bluer, the sun shone more brightly... everything was better because of her.
Invaded by strong feelings, Kid couldn't help but steal a kiss from her sweet lips. Even though taken aback at first, Lou soon responded to his loving gesture, clutching his arms for leverage. "I love you," Kid whispered against her mouth as they remained locked in each other's arms, but they pulled away as they heard a voice behind them.
"If you two are going to turn all tender, at least you should have the decency to let us know first."
"You're right, Miah," Buck replied with a grin. "With these two you always have to be on the lookout. They might even start dancing in front of you before you know what's happening."
Lou and Kid tittered as their cheeks shone with embarrassment. Miah and Buck walked off toward the stables, still laughing at the couple's expense, and when they were alone, Louise said, "Some things never change, do they? We're still teased... like always."
"It feels like old times, don't you think?"
"Yeah. 'Old Times'," Louise said wistfully. For everyone else but for her only yesterday. She wished it was 'old times' for real and she didn't have this continuous odd sensation of not fitting in anywhere. Her eyes locked into his blue ones as her hand wandered to caress his cheek. When her fingers brushed over his lips, he kissed them devotedly. Kid took a step closer, wrapping his arms around her tiny waist and resting his forehead against hers. Louise smiled, meeting his gaze with the same intensity. "Kid?" she whispered his name like a caress.
"Hmm?"
"How do you like your socks folded?" she blurted out.
"What?" Kid exclaimed, jerking his head up, totally thrown by her out-of-place question.
"Your socks. How do you like them folded?" Louise repeated the question with an expression that clearly implied that she wanted an answer.
Kid couldn't help but burst out laughing. "I... I don't know," he finally managed to say. "I don't really care. I just put them on to keep my feet warm." He paused for a second. "What is this about socks, Lou?"
Lou giggled, feeling silly for letting Natalie's comment worry her. "Uh... nothing. Just nothing."
"You sure you're all right?" Kid asked, concern taking over. He couldn't stop worrying about her; he lived with the constant fear that she might take a downturn like Dr. Harris had told him the first night. If something happened to Lou now, he knew he couldn't cope with it... not a second time.
"I'm fine... maybe breathing fresh air for the first time in such a long time is making me talk crazy. I guess I just need to be in the open more often," Lou replied, and turning her eyes back to Lightning, she added, "You know I'd love to ride her."
"I imagine so, Lou, but you're still too weak."
"Yeah, I know," Louise muttered, her face showing her low spirits.
Kid stared at his wife, hating to see her look so glum. If only he could do something to put a smile on her lips... Suddenly, an idea hit him and his eyes shone with excitement. "Lou, just give me a second. I'll be right back."
"Where are you going?" she asked as she sat on the crate he set for her.
"I'll be back before you can miss me," he simply said and before she could continue her questioning, he dashed out of the stables, leaving Louise in wonder.
About ten minutes later Kid returned, carrying Lou's new coat and a blanket. Even though she kept asking him what he was up to, he didn't answer and only helped her back to her feet and out of his coat into hers. Louise creased his forehead, feeling peeved because of his guessing games, something he knew she hated. Despite her irritation, she hooked her arm around his and they walked out. It was then that she saw Buck and Jeremiah hitching the buckboard.
"You and I are going for a drive. What do you think?" Kid announced happily and Lou's face lit up instantly.
"Oh Kid! Thank you!"
He smiled, clearly pleased to see her look so cheerful. He lifted her onto the wagon seat and wrapped the blanket over her legs. "Please hold on tightly," he said before rounding the carriage and climbing onto the seat next to her. Louise linked her arms around his left one while Kid took the reins from Jeremiah. "Thank you both for covering me," Kid said to the two men. "Lou really needs to get out of here for a while. I owe you big time."
"Just have fun," Buck replied. "That will be enough reward for us."
"And don't overstrain my sister, McCloud or you'll have to answer me," Jeremiah added in a mocking tone.
"As you wish, McCloud," Kid replied with a crooked smile.
"Oh... you three shut up!" Louise exclaimed, rolling her eyes. "And stop talking about me as if I wasn't present. You are used to me being deadly quiet but that's over now."
"And thank God for that!" Kid replied, meaning every word with his whole self.
"Lou, have fun," Buck concluded the conversation and the two men waved as Kid spurred the horse in motion.
As the wagon trotted past the house, Natalie was on the porch shaking the floor mats. When she spotted the carriage, she stopped her movements and directed her cold eyes to Kid. Despite the distance the man could read and even feel the silent message in them, the scorn, the threat, the underlying punishment. Kid cursed for the umpteenth time for getting entangled in her cobweb. Natalie was the stain that smudged the clear landscape that had been his love and loyalty to Lou. Since Lou was back, he felt in a constant state of total bliss, but when he remembered Natalie and his betrayal, guilt nagged at him and clouded his happiness. Weeks had passed since Lou had woken up and he still hadn't mustered the courage to tell her. His excuse for keeping quiet was Lou's weak condition, but deep down Kid knew that his problem was that he was scared stiff. Things between him and Lou were so perfect that he was afraid of spoiling it, ruining it.
Louise noticed the serious expression in her husband and when they left the house and Natalie behind them, she said, "You know, Mrs. Mortimer is kind of ... strange."
"Strange?"
"Yeah... I don't know how to explain it, but she kind of makes me feel awkward." She stopped briefly and turning her smiling face to her husband, she added, "I guess I ain't used to having another woman at home."
Kid cleared his throat nervously. "Well, I imagine that when you get back to health completely, we won't be needing her anymore... that is, if you want to."
"I'd much rather look after my family on my own," Louise admitted.
Kid wasn't very comfortable talking about Natalie and he tried to divert the direction of the conversation. "Lou, I know this ain't like riding as you had in mind."
"I love it," Louise replied while her eyes intently looked at the familiar landscape she had driven through so many times. The deciduous, naked trees stood stubbornly against the winter cold; all the vegetation was covered in a subtle glistening layer from the previous night's freeze. The view was breathtaking and Lou felt she was having the time of her life even though in her mind she had only seen these parts a few weeks before.
"When you feel better and stronger, we'll go riding... the four of us, you, me and the children."
"I'm sure they ride well, am I right?"" Louise asked keenly.
"You kidding? The children of two former Pony Express riders? Of course they can ride, and Lou, they're so natural, especially Isa. Well, it took Jed longer to learn... but he eventually did. I took some time off last autumn and you know, I taught him my bag of tricks." Lou smiled sadly, an expression that didn't go unnoticed to her husband. "Something wrong?"
"I... I was thinking about Teaspoon," she muttered. Her husband comment had taken her back to the first day they had got together in Sweetwater and the special speech Teaspoon had made as they stood by the fence. Kid nodded, sighing morosely. "I was also thinking about Jed. You see, he doesn't talk to me."
"Lou, he just needs time."
"I know that. I guess I'm a little impatient. Sorry to be such a pest."
Kid shook his head, wrapping his right arm around her shoulders while guiding the horse with his free one. "Don't say that, honey. To tell you the truth, I find it amazing the way you're coping with everything. I don't think I could keep my sanity if I had to go through the same as you."
"It ain't easy... at all," Lou admitted as she lowered her eyes to her thin hands that lay intertwined on her lap. "You can't imagine how many times I wish this were a dream and I could wake up to the cries of Jed in his crib."
"It ain't a dream, I'm afraid," Kid replied.
"Yeah... and in a way I don't want it to be," Louise said and at Kid's confused frown, she added, "When I think of our little girl and the idea of not having her with us... she makes every pain, every sacrifice worth it."
Kid smiled at the mention of Isa. "Lou, you're what she needed... I hadn't seen her look so happy before. She had nobody... you know... no other woman to turn to. Emma, Rachel and the rest were there but somehow she refused to fill up your place."
"Not like Jed, uh?"
"Lou..." Kid stammered clumsily but his wife didn't let him finish.
"Kid, I'm not blaming you or anything. It's natural. I wasn't around, so somebody had to fill the void I had left, don't you think?"
At her question Kid averted his eyes, unable to hold her gaze, and focused on the road ahead. Even though they were talking about Jed, he felt her comment was directed to him. His heart begged him to tell her, to confess his sin, but his frightened spirit ruled his mouth and all he finally said was a half lie that left a new wound in his damage conscience. "Lou, nobody replaced you, nobody, nobody," Kid repeated, trying to convince her… or maybe was he trying to convince himself?