Disgusting wasteland did not even begin to describe where he had found himself.
Filth clung to the hem of his cloak, the splatters stretching up to his knees in the mere seconds since he exited his ship. A suitable LZ had been difficult to find, forcing him to put down in shallow waters and the only space clear enough to manage his ship.
"What am I doing here?" he muttered to himself as he yanked at the cloak on his neck and tossed the material through the still open hatch before doing similarly to his arm guards.
The Force felt murkier here, the light and the dark difficult to distinguish from one another. Ren grunted his displeasure before picking a direction and started off, hoping the cave would call to him as it once did Skywalker.
Though it was day, the canopy blocked most of the light while managing to trap the heat, and a perpetual fog hovered above the water. Gnarled roots of trees tangled up through the muck, forming trunks high enough that he could walk underneath. Amphibian variants scattered at his approach, croaking their indignation as he barreled through their habitat.
He had walked a few hours, intermittently losing the sun's location, until all at once he stopped, realizing he had been walking in a large arc around his landing zone.
"Farking shavit," he growled, launching himself at the nearest tree and hacked several long gashes in it until it fell into the mud, not even having the decency to cause a satisfying crash.
"Skywalkers, exhausting are you."
Ren stiffened. He knew that voice, had heard it in the old holocrons from the Clone Wars and even rolled his eyes at Luke's attempts at impersonation.
For all he had heard of Master Yoda, for all he had read, it was still strange to reconcile the strength and power of the infamous Jedi with the small, old ghost before him.
"I seek the cave," he spoke, keeping his voice toneless and flat while ignoring the creature's previous barb. He did not desire to engage any of Luke's mentors, wanting nothing to do with those that had shaped the man.
Yoda's large ears tilted. "Why?"
"None of your concern."
"Nothing to show you, it has."
Ren's eyes narrowed. "I doubt that."
The Master hobbled towards Ren, annoying the man greatly with the attempt to appear feeble.
"Fell already, you have. Turned to the Dark side, you did."
Slowly, Ren shook his head. "No, not completely," he replied quietly as the ghost studied him.
"Corrupted, your soul-"
"My soul," interrupted Ren with a snarl, "was never mine to own... until now. I need to know..." His jaw clicked shut and he looked away. He did not owe Yoda an explanation.
"The greatest teacher, failure is," muttered Yoda.
Ren's eyes snapped back to the Force ghost in anticipation.
"So find it yourself, you must."
He started to protest but then Yoda was gone, leaving him ankle deep in muck and his saber held uselessly at his side.
Muttering under his breath, he trudged on until it started to rain, thick drops of fluid, dark with debris from the foliage above.
Even the rain here is filthy.
He needed to find temporary shelter soon, the sunlight rapidly decreasing as it headed toward the horizon, and noticed an earthen den elevated above the water line. Cramming his frame through the opening, he sat, having to hunch his shoulders to keep his head from knocking the roof, and pulled his boots off to pour the liquid from them.
His mouth pursed at the hole in his sock his big toe had pushed through.
"Supreme Leader of the First Order," he muttered to himself and replaced his shoes on his feet. With a shake of his head as he took in his surroundings. It would suffice to protect him enough to allow him to rest.
Rest, he thought sardonically as he lifted his chin to let the back of his head touch the wall. It was something he had not had much time for in the past few weeks. It had been more difficult than he anticipated to shake those that pursued him, his ship being far too recognizable. He had to ditch it on a backwater and it took several days to procure a suitable replacement and supplies, even with mind tricks and the Force.
He was unsure of how long he had slept when he jerked awake, his body listing to one side, and froze. He could just make out a gentle rasping sound, like two pieces of cloth sliding against one another and he planted his foot against the opposing wall and shoved. The pressure allowed his torso to shift a fraction of an inch, just barely enough to dodge a single white claw that darted through the opening, intending to spear him. He snapped it with the Force, an ungodly screech deafening his ears in response as the leg withdrew.
Ren rushed out in pursuit, his feet sliding in the mud as he looked up at the white plated arachnid towering over him, its other limbs supporting it while the damaged one dangled at the side. Its hunger and rage were palpable in the Force and it trembled before striking out. Ren sidestepped the first, then the second, before he brought his saber up on the next leg that swung down on him, severing the limb. His hand whipped out, lifting its body with the Force to slam it back down into the water.
The monster righted itself with a hiss before it scuttled away into the trees and tore through the brush. He flicked his hair out of his eyes and followed the newly created path deeper into the swamp.
His saber made short work of the vegetation that blocked his way, reminding him greatly of their "educational treks" through the jungles of Yavin 4. Howlers, while a nuisance, were easily detected and dealt with. The crystal snakes had been the worst... translucent, furtive creatures whose venom sent one into a vulnerable coma, they had surprised him one too many times and earned his everlasting disdain.
Not all of his memories from that time were terrible. The library had been a special escape for him as he lost himself in the tales of the Knights from the Old Republic and dreamed one day of having such adventures. It had been in that room Master Soulsar had gifted him the calligraphy set and taught him the basics before he quickly outstripped her ability.
His stomach soured as he thought of the woman and her expression as she presented the wrapped bundle. He had to be misremembering... Had she truly looked at him with such kindness? It was never in the memory before...
He stopped short, his lips parting.
Snoke. The bastard tainted everything.
As if summoned, the Dark Side called to him over the land and he increased his pace, hacking away until he came to a massive tree, twisted black. His shoulders rose and fell as he stared at the darkness of the opening beneath it, trepidation starting to claw up his throat. The only thing keeping him going, the only hope he had left was that there was a part within him still worthy of something more, worthy of an existence not defined by pain. But to do so, he needed to know what darkness within him was truly his.
He crossed the threshold into the dark and it was as if he stepped into the void of space, his feet utterly silent as he moved further inward, drawn to a dusky outline in the distance. As he neared it, the edges became sharper, revealing a figure in a black cloak, the hood pulled up to shroud its features.
Ren's lips thinned and he lit his saber in preparation as the figure started to move.
He expected this, to have to face himself...
But then the figure walked right through him and Ren turned in confusion.
"Execute," a hideous voice whispered in the dark, "order Sixty Six."
The cyan blue of his grandfather's lightsaber burned suddenly, the light illuminating the terrified, confused faces of several children and Ren stumbled back, his mind already piecing together what would come next.
His jaw dropped in horror as Anakin Skywalker cut one after the other down, the man giving little care as to where his killing blows landed against the small bodies until there were none left alive.
Intense heat suddenly flared against Ren's back and he turned, finding himself on a boiling planet, red heated rocks blowing into the air as the ground shook.
He knew this place.
Mustafar.
Two figures battled over the lava flows in the distance, their blue sabers clashing.
"I have failed you, Anakin."
"I should have known the Jedi were going to take over," growled the younger man, as he shoved at where their beams were crossed.
"Anakin! Chancellor Palpatine is evil!"
"It is the Jedi who are evil!"
"You were the chosen one! You were supposed to bring balance to the Force, not leave it in darkness!"
Ren shifted and looked down in surprise at the sound of his boot against metal. When he looked up again, he was in an empire medical bay, a burned figure thrashing and screaming on a gurney as its wrecked limbs were slowly outfitted with metal prosthetics.
The stench of melted flesh was overwhelming, and the Darkness in the room cloying thick as it drew on the life-force of some poor creature elsewhere in the galaxy to keep Anakin Skywalker alive. It seemed to go on forever... the screams, the smell, and the Dark until at last the man quieted and a black mask lowered onto his face.
"Lord Vader," whispered the same voice as before. "Rise."
A deep mechanical breathing filled the room as the light blinked out, plunging him once more into darkness. Ren turned, looking for an escape when he saw a small patch of dim, blue light illuminating the ground.
Sand?
Ren crouched down to look more closely at the granules as they started to shift, a reedy plant pushing upward into the dark. He stretched his fingers out, grazing them across the bud that had formed at the end. It opened at his touch into a delicate, yet boldly colored flower.
A Nightbloomer?
The cave violently expelled him then and Ren fell back through the entrance, his hand grabbing at vines to regain his balance. He sat down and rested his arms on his knees, his head bowed as he breathed in deeply.
What he saw...
"Show you something, it did?"
Ren sighed at the blue gnarled toes now in his line of sight.
"He really did that?" asked Ben through his labored breaths. "He murdered those children?"
"Murdered everyone at Tuanul, you did."
"I was following orders!"
"So was he."
Ren reeled back, a retort ready that never fell from his lips and his eyes dropped again to the ground. He waited for the usual feeling to overcome him, the one that always interrupted his guilt and doubt and filled him with certainty about his past.
But it didn't come, and a wave of nausea passed through him, leaving him instead sickened.
"Tell me," he said finally, "about Order Sixty Six."
Ren's head drooped and he closed his eyes against all of what he had been told.
"Darth Sidious. Architect of our downfall, he was. Corruptor of Skywalkers, he is." The small Jedi Master's brow creased in sympathy as he looked over Ren. The man's eyes were closed, furrowed in frustrated confusion.
"I was looking for an answer about myself and it only shows me Vader."
"Perhaps not," countered Yoda. "Anger, fear, jealousy... fatal are these, the faults in your family, when manipulated by others."
The Jedi Master struck his staff against the ground, commanding Ren's attention.
"Your mind... your soul, young Solo. Do with them now, you must decide."
Ren grunted a non-committal response as sweat beaded from his forehead to the tip of his nose.
They are mine now, completely my own for the first time. What indeed?
"Ben!"
His head snapped up as he heard Rey's voice and tried to ignore the sudden elation of seeing her after the last few weeks. He knew she was alive and safe, but actually seeing it... He glanced over where Yoda remained, one green brown quirked in Rey's direction before Ren looked back to her, relieved she seemed oblivious to the creature's presence. His eyes narrowed, however, as he took in the shine in her eyes and the red tinge to the tip of her nose. Either she was ill or-
"Why are you crying?"
"Where have you been?" she asked at the same time and he frowned as he scanned her over for injuries. Upon finding none and seeing her face in such a determined set, he relinquished his question to answer hers.
"I left the Order."
Her arms fell to her side, her face going slack with astonishment.
"But... but you didn't go to the Resistance."
He sighed heavily, his head dropping back down. "There's no place for me there," he said, before lifting his head again. "There will never be a place for me there, Rey."
"But, you're-"
He already knew what she would say but cut her off. He needed her to understand this point, even if he wasn't entirely sure why he did.
"I have my unfinished business with the Order but it won't be from the side of the Resistance. Beyond that, I don't have any answers for you." He paused, confusion about himself and his family swirling in his mind. "Not yet, anyway."
"Well... Are you alright?" she asked gesturing to the bruises on his temple and the caked mud on his pants.
He blinked. No one had asked him that in ages and not been only considering how his injury would interfere with their own plans. And so, for the first time in years, he actually considered the question in its true intent. Though confused and lost, the conflict that had threatened to tear him apart was, while not absent, at least subdued.
"I am."
Recalling he was not alone, Ren's eyes darted over to Yoda, who rubbed at the wiry hairs on his chin before he chuckled softly.
And of course, of course, she heard it.
"Is there someone there with you?" she asked and he felt her press against the wall in his mind and it started to bend and crack. It would be so much easier to stop fighting her, to just let her in... but he could not. Snoke had been like an oil slick in his mind, polluting his thoughts with a constant background taint. And now, for the first time ever, it was quiet.
"Rey..." he sighed, rising and stepping in front to command her attention and realized nearly too late that his hands were raised. He had thought to touch her, wanted to, but dropped them back to his sides. "My whole life I've had a voice in my head, whispering to me, pushing me..."
"I saw."
"I thought it was Darth Vader, my Grandfather leading me in his footsteps," he scoffed and shook his head. "But it was Snoke. It was always Snoke." He swallowed and looked at her, hoping she would understand what he was asking, understand he needed to know his thoughts and motivations were his alone. "Its never been only me in here. I need to be alone in my head for a while and keeping you out is exhausting."
She looked at her shoes and he resisted the urge to tip her chin back up to look at him.
"I can do that," she murmured, and mentally he felt her retreat, both relieved and disappointed she did so.
"Thank you."
He turned away from her.
"You will call on me if you want me?"
Surely, he must have misheard her... If he wanted her? The words seemed leaden and tenuous, and brought a great many things to his mind in the split second he processed them before she corrected.
"Need me, I mean."
Would he ask for her help if he needed her? It felt like a commitment of sorts, similar to their last declaration on Ahch-to.
"Will you?" he asked. While he wondered internally just what he would do, how far he would go for her if she needed him.
"Yes," she said, her reply sounding a little breathless to Ren's ears. She disappeared as Yoda started to laugh.
"Are you finished?" snapped Ren who was tempted to draw his blade though he knew the futility of it. Being mocked was a sore spot for him and he was particularly defensive about another witnessing the bond between himself and Rey.
These moments with her, they were not for others.
Yoda's head tilted, his eyes passing over Ren once.
"Not yet," he said before he too disappeared.