I have tinkered around with this chapter after it was thoroughly edited by SunflowerFran. I just can't help it. All remaining errors are mine.

Recap:

Bella found out Edward had filed for divorced. She was curious and reached out to Edward to talk. Edward met with her and laid it all out. Oh, and Rose delivered a healthy baby girl named Kayla, who is also Bella's goddaughter.

Where we left off last chapter:

His smile was soft, but there was a sly edge to it – a hint of the smirk I used to love (and maybe still do). I waited with baited breath as he reached across the table and lightly tugged my necklace and I flushed, averting my eyes.

"You still wear my ring around your neck."

He didn't elaborate, but then, he didn't have to.

This was the ring he gave me when he promised that I was the first and the last one he'd ever love.

"I hate you," I said to my coffee, as the first tear overflowed down my cheek.

I'm not quite sure if his words were meant for me but I heard them.

"Not more than I hate myself."

Chapter 23

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March 2, 2012

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I paced restlessly in my bedroom, wearing proverbial holes in the decorative rug.

"I just don't know what to think anymore, you know? This is all so confusing and overwhelming."

Out of words, I blew a raspberry, eliciting a delighted giggle out of my riveted audience. I smiled involuntarily at the happy gleam in Kayla's baby blues.

My God, she was beautiful.

Her parents were out on their first date since her birth, and I had been designated as the overnight nanny for the kid, seeing as I was her godmother. Did it matter to them that I didn't know the first thing about babies?

That would be no.

"Oh, you'll be fine, she's an easy kid," they said. "You're a natural. Besides, you've got us on speed dial." Then they showed up with a baby carrier, a huge baby bag, a litany of instructions and were out the door before I knew what hit me.

So far, so good, though. She seemed to get a kick out of my rants, so who was I to deprive her of this pleasure?

"You see how it is? I still love him. Of course, I do. That kind of overpowering love doesn't just… fade over time, you know?" I vaguely recall Edward saying something to that effect weeks ago in the café. Something about absence making the heart grow fonder. "And I might even forgive him… eventually. At least, I think I might. However, to forget and move past it, I don't know if I have it in me, I really don't. How do you recover from complete annihilation of trust?"

Kayla blinked at me sleepily, before letting out the most adorable yawns in the history of yawns. I stared at her, as her eyes drooped before she conked out completely.

Well, would you look at that? She had her bottle of milk, burped (so loud it would have made Em proud), and now she's off to dream about… Whatever babies dream about. I fussed over her a bit, as it seemed like an appropriate thing to do, making sure she was safely burrito-ed in her carrier. My cell phone chirped and my eyes flew to the clock – 8:00 PM.

Well, the man was nothing if not persistent.

I had told Edward that I needed space to think, and seeing as he was practically bending over backward for me, I would have thought that he would be completely copacetic with that request. His response, however, had taken me off guard.

"I'll give you time, Bella. You can have all the time in the world. But I'm done giving you space; all that accomplishes is making us both absolutely miserable."

Smartass

Jackass

Know-it-all Jackass.

He's right, of course, and it rubs me the wrong way. I'd already had time and space – a lot of it. And I may never admit this to him but it had only made me despondent. I don't know what I would do with more time since I have dissected every conversation and interaction I've ever had with Edward to death by now. I was no closer to the elusive solution-to-all-my-problems now than I was before. I had never been so indecisive before Edward. Yet, at this point in my life, where I was basically in charge of a large publishing agency, I was vacillating about what could be the most important decision of my life.

Anxiously, I opened the text he'd just sent me:

Thinking of you

That was it, really.

That's all it said.

I sighed in relief even as I shot down the irrational pang of disappointment that it wasn't something as life-altering as, "Love you."

Nothing extravagant, or over the top. Seemingly innocuous words like wish you were here or miss you. Simple, yet powerful in the effect they had on my poor little heart. They were thawing the remnants of my leftover reservations, and yet, I was reticent to succumb to his charm.

"Shit or get off the pot!"

That was Rose's sage advice.

Funny woman, that Rose. Didn't help, though. It's not like I was having a picnic on the pot.

Awkward thought.

My cell beeped again and my heart leaped.

It's not him.

He only texts once.

I checked my phone only to find out that it was him.

My heart stuttered.

Are you home?

He only ever sends one-sided statements that do not necessarily warrant a response, if you suspend the rules of politeness. He doesn't ask me questions. Period.

"What do I do? What do I do?" I looked around frantically as if a solution was going to pop out of thin air before I managed to gather myself. "What the hell is wrong with me? It's not as though I'm a starry-eyed teenager with a crush. Grow some cojones, Bella."

Throwing caution to the wind, I typed up a quick reply before I could second-guess myself.

Yes

"See? That was easy. I replied. Nothing blew up. The world didn't come to an- WHAT? Why are you calling? No, don't call. OhmygodwhatdoIdo?"

Of course, I woke the baby with my theatrics at the worst possible time.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," I cooed to the wailing toddler, as I maneuvered her out of the carrier.

I answered the phone, fully intending on using the baby drama as a perfect excuse to get out of this conversation, but Edward completely bulldozed my plans.

"I was trying to text, but the goddamn keys are so fucking tiny you would think they were made solely for Lilliputians."

I let out a startled laugh as I rocked Kayla, trying in vain to get her calm.

"Seems as if you're having trouble with the Lilliputians yourself," He sounded vaguely amused.

"Sounds about right." And as if she knew she was being talked about, her screaming only got louder, "Aww, hush, baby girl, don't cry. Edward, as you can tell, now is not a good time."

"I hear you, Bella." He chuckled, "Have you eaten, yet?"

"Not yet, and it looks to be awhile before I'm able to scrounge up something."

"Oh." I could sense his hesitation, and if my hands weren't literally full right now, I would wonder why Edward, as self-possessed as he was, could ever second-guess anything. "Well, then. See you soon."

Ignoring his presumptuous words, I replied vaguely before hanging up.

.

I don't know how long it had been since Kayla woke, bawling. The kid was inconsolable and I was at my wit's end trying to soothe her. I hadn't wanted to disturb Em and Ro unless there was an emergency.

This felt like an emergency.

Just as I was about to get my cell, there was a knock on the door. I took the baby with me to answer, and I just about dropped her when I spied Edward through the peephole.

"Edward," I pulled open the door with murder written on my face, "I said now is not a good time. Obviously."

Fortunately for Edward, he missed my deadly glare as his eyes were glued to the bundle of joy – NOT – in my arms. He looked genuinely terrified of the crying baby and I would have remarked on that had I been in the mood.

"Edward? What are you-" I stopped speaking when a small woman appeared from behind Edward and pointed at the baby and said, "May I?"

"Who are you?" I clutched Kayla a little tighter.

"Don't worry, I'm a babysitter," she smiled, and I happily noted that the smile was not creepy in the slightest.

"Please come in!" I waved her inside my apartment and all but shoved Kayla at her. "Help me!"

"Of course," she said cheerfully, as she took her from me. "That's what I'm here for. I'm Madison, by the way."

I quickly introduced myself and led Madison to my bedroom where all the baby stuff was. She assured me that she had it covered. Already, Kayla was calmer and when my lifesaver decided to feed her, there was absolute silence for the first time in what felt like hours.

My ears were still ringing.

"Oh, God! Edward!" I realized I had left him on the threshold, completely unattended.

Edward was still standing in the hallway faltering – like a vampire, waiting to be invited inside. He was holding takeout bags that my grumbling stomach greatly appreciated, even if my mind enumerated at least five reasons why I should refuse the blessing.

"You know, inviting yourself over is generally considered quite rude."

Edward's tentative expression morphed into a grin lazily, "Oh Bella, when have you known me to be anything but rude?"

I ran a hand over my face, tired and reluctantly amused.

"What are you doing here, Edward?" I asked wearily, "Not that I don't appreciate the nanny services – speaking of which, since when do you have a babysitter on speed dial?"

"I had Alice, my assistant, help with that situation."

"As I said, I'm extremely grateful that I can now hear my own thoughts, but coming back to my original question: why are you here?"

He opens his mouth to answer, but I beat him to it, "I'm sorry, I'm acting extremely hypocritical in my rudeness."

"No, Bella. You're right. I shouldn't have invited myself over, but I had this overwhelming need to see you."

He captures my gaze in that patently intense way that he has and I have to look away before he sees how much havoc he wreaks inside my head.

"Edward, please…"

Please, stop looking at me that way.

Please, stop saying things like that.

Please, hold me and don't ever let go.

That last one caught me by surprise.

Not the thought itself, but the immediate protest that rose within: alarm bells going off at the mere idea of letting the extremely vulnerable sentiment out in front of him.

"Hey," Edward spoke softly, a hand lifted halfway as if to cup my cheek before he clenched it, mercifully not following through. "Bella."

He waited until I was looking him in the eye before continuing, "We need to talk. More like, you need to talk, or vent. Or curse me out. Not necessarily in that order, but we need to get it all out in the open. I've already told you my side of the story, but maybe you have questions. Concerns, that you haven't voiced and that you probably don't feel comfortable enough to share with me. As much as that pains me, I have come to accept that you might not trust me with your feelings anymore."

As usual, his brow receives the brunt of his frustration and I have to tamp down the familiar urge to chastise him for it.

"But Bella," He rallied on, "if there's anything I've realized in the past few months, it's that I don't want to live on without you when I've known the pleasure that is life with you."

"Edward," I sniffle, trying to keep the tears at bay, "Please."

Please, don't romanticize what we had.

Please, don't say you love me.

Please, don't break my heart again.

"I know, I can be intense. At least that's what one of my therapists tells me. I'll try to tone it down and I'll try not to push you. Or invite myself over in the future."

I let out a watery chuckle, "You're seeing therapists? As in, plural?"

I couldn't envision Edward sitting patiently on a shrink's couch, answering all the how-do-you-feel-about-this-or-that questions.

His lips quirked, "Of course, I had to vet them. I wasn't going to waste my time on an idiot who turned out to be a hack, like that Dr. Phil guy."

My cheeks lifted in a semblance of a smile, "That sounds more like you."

My words caused the green-blue eyes to grow tender and I felt my cheeks grow considerably warmer.

"Bella," His voice took on a rougher quality, as if he was struggling to contain his emotions. "I have so many regrets where you are concerned, and I still don't think I deserve you. But I am a man who doesn't make the same mistake twice. And I will make it my mission in life to gain your trust if you will let me."

This time, he didn't stop himself as the pads of his thumbs gently brushed the tears from my cheeks.

"Don't take me at my word. I know I wouldn't if I were you. Let my actions speak for themselves, Bella. Take all the time you need. I don't want you to forgive me unless you trust me completely."

"But what if I can't?" I choked out.

The real reason why I have been terrified of giving him another chance. It's not that I don't think he deserves it, but it is the fear that I wouldn't be able to let go of the hurt enough to trust him again.

Pain flashed across his features and he did not try to mask it.

"Then I would be the unluckiest man on the face of the earth."

AN: Still here?

I'm really sorry for how long this has taken me. Thank you for those who have stuck with me so far. Really, it is you guys - and my kickass beta, Fran - that keep me motivated to complete this story.

Thoughts?