A/N- My apologies for the wait on this, I try my best to get the chapters out weekly at the very least but I just have not been feeling well these last couple of days, what with my migraines coming full force lately due to stress on trying to find a new job and all and getting this chapter out in a timely manner has been difficult. Thanks for the understanding though, it's much appreciated!

Chapter 25

"Sammy, I don't want to talk about this right now-"

"Too bad," The anger returned to Sam's voice as he moved to block his brother's path out of the kitchen,

"You're talking, whether you want to or not. I don't care what I have to do, Dean-" He stopped mid-sentence as Dean attempted to side-step him once more and he raised his voice another notch,

"Goddamn it, Dean!"

Dean narrowed his green eyes at his little brother as Sam got in his way again just as he was making his way back to the front door,

"Get out of my way, Sam." The older Winchester had not intended for his voice to shake; he had tried to put as much anger in it as possible, but although he had just drank an entire beer bottle, he was still feeling shaky much to his annoyance.

"Make me," Sam narrowed his own eyes right back and continued to block the front door. Looking his older brother straight in the eye, he continued curtly,

"You're not leaving this room until you talk…and I'm not just talking about you giving me this shitty excuse that you're fine and dandy and everything's all lollypops and candy canes."

"Sam." Dean forced his voice to carry the normal "big brother, do as I say" tone,

"Let it go-"

"No!" Sam snapped back, folding his arms across his chest and glaring at his brother,

"I won't let it go! Did you suddenly forget that if you stop drinking that you die, and then I'll die?" He watched as his brother visibly flinched, lowering his eyes with shame. Feeling slight guilt that he had to bring that up right then, thus causing that look in Dean's eyes, Sam knew he couldn't back down. Not now. He lowered his voice slightly,

"Dean, I poured my heart out to you about how I was feeling after returning from Hell and not once did you allow me to suffer through it alone, even when I couldn't talk! Let me tell you something, it wasn't something I wanted to ever share; even though I knew you had experienced Hell for yourself, I didn't want to tell you just how hurt I had been from what Lucifer did to me…" His voice choked up slightly before Sam forced himself to put the fierceness back into it,

"Want to know why?" Not waiting for Dean to reply, Sam answered,

"Because I knew it would hurt you, Dean! I knew my own suffering would cause you so much agony, on top of everything else you went through while I was down there! That's the last thing I wanted to put you through and yet, because of the nightmares and the pain from my hands and on top of that, struggling to get my voice back…you never let me go through it alone and you forced me to finally talk to you!" He finally lowered his voice a notch,

"Now I'm asking you…no, I'm telling you…let me do the same thing, Dean. It's not fair and you know it…You know, this might come as a shocker to you, but I happen to give a rat's ass about you as much as much as you do about me and I'm not going to sit by one more night allowing you to suffer like this silently-"

"Are you done, Sammy?" Dean interrupted and for the first time, Sam noticed his brother had crossed to the other side of the room, his entire body shaking and his hands clenched into fists. Whether the shaking was from what had just happened due to his lack of alcohol or from anger, Sam wasn't sure.

"I don't know," The younger Winchester brother replied tentatively, his back still up against the front door,

"You tell me."

"You don't know the full extent of what I did, Sam," Dean's shoulders tensed as he made his way back over to his brother, his hands still clenched into fists to attempt to stop the shaking, but also to keep himself from punching a wall,

"The full extent of the things I did while you were in Hell-"

"Yes, actually, I do, Dean!" Sam interrupted, his voice cracking once more with emotion,

"I don't know every little detail that happened after you crashed the Impala, but before that…I do know what you did! Remember how I told you Lucifer tortured me with visions of you and then how he made me believe that you had died in that accident?" At his brother's hesitant nod, Sam gulped,

"It wasn't just little bits and pieces here and there, Dean; it wasn't even like the visions I used back during the time of Yellow-Eyes. He literally was showing me a play by play of your day to day life for all those months, Dean…I saw you looking at the letters, the cards I kept while I was at Stanford, I saw…I saw how you lost the amulet at that bar that one night and went to Stull Cemetery where I last saw you-"

"Sammy, stop-"

"I saw the hallucinations, Dean, and how you left Lisa's after only a week and pulled over to a deserted road to listen to the tape I set you," Sam continued as if his brother hadn't spoken,

"He didn't just force me to see everything you suffered through, but I heard it all as well. If there was one way the devil knew how to torture me, it was through you…which is why I understand more then you realize how you spiraled out of control like you did-"

"Sam, please, I'm begging you. Stop," Dean attempted to interrupt again, feeling himself shaking again, only this time from the emotions he was attempting to hold back and not from the beer…or lack thereof.

"No, Dean, not yet," Sam felt it safe to move away from the door and took a step closer to his brother, even as Dean took a shaky step back,

"You wanta know what was going through my mind, even as Lucifer was torturing me physically and mentally? All I could think about was, oh my God, my brother died because of me. He died and he didn't have anyone there with him during that accident and I wasn't there to tell you…I wasn't there, Dean, and I wish more then anything in this universe we could go back in time and change everything, but we can't." He sucked in a shaky breath,

"Dean, I understand more then you realize why you made the deal with that Archangel-"

"Don't try to make up some excuse for me, Sam; don't try to and say that it was okay! It's never okay! It wasn't okay for that douchebag Archangel to be a dick and tell me that either I drink for the rest of my life or we both die; it wasn't okay for him to bring you back from the Cage without your voice and your hands destroyed, just like it wasn't okay for me to drink myself into an oblivion for over a year!" Dean turned away from his baby brother and walked over to his bed, collapsing on it with his head in his hands,

"Making deals with demons and angels are never 'okay', I didn't say it was!" Sam cried, his voice catching in his throat,

"But that doesn't mean that what you did was wrong either…because I would have done the same thing, Dean, and you know it! I've attempted it, too, and I would do it again in a heartbeat if the tables were turned-"

"Don't say that-"

"Then you need to stop saying that, because it's the same damn thing, Dean!" The younger brother interrupted, walking over to where his brother was still resting on the bed and knelt down in front of him,

"You're a good person, Dean-"

"Don't."

"It's true."

"Don't say that, Sam-"

"Why?" Sam pushed stubbornly.

"You know why, Sam! I've failed! I failed everything, from saving you like I promised I would to saving our family! I've acted like nothing more then a selfish son of a bitch; I went ahead and agreed to drink for the rest of my life on the negotiation if I stopped, you'd be sent back to the Cage! Tell me, Sammy, how can you deny that's not failure?" Dean demanded, feeling the threat of a few tears forming at the corners of his eyes but stubbornly pushed them back.

"How can I deny that?" Sam repeated, narrowing his eyes once more in his big brother's direction,

"Dean, no offense, but that has got to be the dumbest thing you've ever said to me." As his brother's head lifted in surprise, Sam continued sternly,

"Nobody calls my brother that, especially not my brother! Dean…do you really think that low of yourself, that you think you deserve to suffer? That you don't deserve to live or get a second chance at life?" Before the older Winchester could reply, Sam went on,

"Dean, you turned your life around after that accident and yes, it took a lot of time, but you still did it and you got yourself a job and started taking care of yourself again! What happened to the guy who walked up to Bobby's front porch after his interview , who was feeling more confident in himself?"

A tense silence followed the question and Sam went over the last couple of months in his mind. Everything from finally starting to talk again, to Dean getting control of his alcoholism, Dean's interview, Sarah Blake's arrival and then those punks who had arrived in Bobby's junk yard that afternoon. Suddenly, the younger Winchester started to put it all together as he recalled those bastard's words to his brother and to himself as well and anger churned in his gut at just the memory.

No wonder Dean was starting to doubt himself again. No wonder he refused to drink in front of him unless pushed to do it.

"You know those punks who said those things to us that day in Bobby's yard…" Sam slowly continued, lifting his hazel eyes to meet Dean's just as his brother flinched,

"They don't know what you went through, alright? They don't know what I went through either…Dean, they had no clue whatsoever that if they had met us just a few years ago, we easily could have killed them or at the very least, beaten them up. Those are the hunters we used to be…and even though we're not those same guys anymore, that doesn't mean you're any less of a person."

"Why don't you hate my guts, Sammy?" Dean quietly asked, lowering his green eyes to hide the sadness showing plainly in them,

"Because if there's anything I deserve-" He was suddenly cut off when he felt his little brother's arms wrap tightly around his neck, hugging him. Closing his eyes as he felt a lone tear trail down his cheek, Dean shakily lifted his arms and returned the embrace, hugging his little brother back just as tightly.

No words were spoken for a few long minutes before Sam spoke up once again, his voice muffled against his shoulder,

"Because you're my big brother."

Dean closed his eyes and fell silent for a few moments as he listened to those simple words, words which if the tables were turned, he would have said right back to Sam. Sam was his baby brother, there was nothing he wouldn't do for the kid, no matter what kind of shit they had been through. But he was different; he knew he was…how was it that he deserved to have happiness and acceptance after everything he had done these past two years?

"Get that thought out of your head, Dean."

"What?" Dean frowned in confusion as he felt Sam pull away and watched as his brother gave him a hardened look,

"What do you-"

"You said that out loud, Dean," Sam interrupted, resting back on his heels on the floor,

"You're no different then I am. We've both have our fair share of crap, Dean; don't single yourself out over a mistake you made. Okay, it wasn't the smartest thing to do, but you already know that. You didn't hurt anybody, Dean, and even if you did, I know for a fact that you would've regretted it-"

"Not while I was piss-ass drunk, Sammy-"

"Maybe not, but you're different now. You're a different person. And no you're not perfect, Dean; you'll never be perfect. Hell, I've done far worse then you ever did these past two years-"

"Don't say that, Sam," Dean shook his head as he closed his eyes.

"It's the truth, though," The younger Winchester interjected, feeling his heart clenching as he recalled all the horrible choices he had made in the past,

"But you don't hold it against me; you've forgiven me. And although there's nothing for me to forgive YOU for, Dean, if it means that it'll make you feel better, know that I've completely forgiven you, too, and so has Bobby. You just have to learn to forgive yourself and let this go. This drinking business is a part of who you are now and I'm not about to see you get yourself killed by not taking care of yourself…" A few tears filled Sam's hazel eyes but he refused to allow them to fall,

"Dean, c'mon, I mean…if you can't do this for yourself, then at least do it for me." He watched as Dean arched his eyebrows,

"I still need my big brother. I'm still in the learning process of using these," He nodded down at his prosthetics and felt his heart clench once more at the mere memory of the surgery,

"Please, Dean…I just want you to see who you really are, that's all."

"And what am I, Sam?"

"I told you. My big brother. But more then that, you're human and you have every right in the world to make mistakes and be forgiven for them."

Sam's words rung in Dean's ears as he listened to every word his little brother was saying. He didn't know how or if he would ever be able to completely accept it, but the older brother knew that there was one thing he could do. He could at least try for his brother's sake. His little brother, the most important person in the world to him. He refused to let Sammy down again, not if he could help it…and if that meant drinking in front of him, then so be it.

Seeing some of the frustration start to leave his brother's face, Sam nodded his head and rose to his feet,

"You know what to do now." He jerked his chin towards the fridge and then grinned back down at his brother,

"Get another bottle of beer so you're not shaking anymore and we'll see about getting the Impala cleaned up."

Unable to stop a tiny smile forming on his face as he rose to his feet as well, Dean clamped his little brother on his upper arm and asked,

"You're still up for doing it?"

"As long as you take care of yourself, I am." Sam replied, seriousness still etched deep into his voice. Noticing that his brother hadn't moved back towards the kitchen, the younger brother sighed and made his way to the fridge. His prosthetic hands were still slow at working to get the door open, but Sam stubbornly managed to keep it open with one hand and grabbed another bottle with the other. He turned around just as Dean appeared behind him to take the beer,

"I'm not kidding."

"I know you're not, Sammy," Dean sighed quietly and unscrewed the bottle, bringing it to his lips. He closed his eyes as he felt the familiar burning sensation and then drunk the remainder before turning back to Sam,

"Alright. Let's get her done." The older Winchester watched as Sam offered him a small smile in return and was surprised to find himself smiling back, even just a little.

0000

TBC