I have a long A/N at the end of the chapter. I don't want to give it all away beforehand.
25. Whiplash
Ana pov
I feel myself waking up, but I'm too tired to open my eyes. I can see light from the sun coming through the windows and even with my eyes closed it's hurting my head. Oh god.
I can feel the headache bouncing its way through my head and my throat feels like I haven't swallowed for a week. What the hell is wrong with me. I shouldn't have drank that much. I wasn't completely out of my mind last night, but I really need to learn to drink less. I don't even know why I do it. It's not like I need it. Oh god Ana.
I need to get up and drink some water. A bathroom use in general wouldn't hurt either. God, I shouldn't have taken that last cocktail. Yep, that's the one to blame for how I'm feeling right now. Just that last one.
Oh god, I'm tired. Why the hell did I woke up. Oh right, my blather.
I try to turn my body and realize that I'm not alone. And then it hits me. I remember everything from last night and the person laying over my like a log is Christian. So that wasn't a dream? I feel his head resting against mine and his breathing is touching my shoulder rhythmically. I can feel his chest hair tickling my back every time he breaths in. His arm is wrapped around me and holding my stomach and one of his legs is tangled with mine.
I smile when I think of last night. It sure was fun. I can't believe that we are laying here like this. He was a lot different last night than how I have seen him so far. I did not expected any off that. He seems so insecure, but he sure as hell wasn't when we came back to the hotel. Hell with it, he wasn't insecure the entire night. Not that I noticed. I hold my laughter when I think of when we were leaving the dance floor. He was walking so fast that I nearly took a dive to the floor. I'm sure it wouldn't have stopped him. He was definetly a man on a mission. He would have probably dragged me along with him. Or he would have noticed and had thrown me over his shoulder. Who would have thought? Christian Grey the caveman.
I try to shuffle myself from underneath him again and I feel him pulling his hand tighter around me. Is he awake? Oh god! He's pressing really hard on my blather right now. If he doesn't let go soon I will pee in the bed. Oh no, please. That would be the most horrible wake up call.
I can't turn over to see if he's awake so I try to push his arm away. If I didn't had to go so badly I would like this, but not know. I feel his arm heavy on top of me and when I try to detangle his curled fingers holding me I feel him gripping me harder. Oh fuck.
He presses his body against mine and I feel an impressive morning wood against my back. Oh god Christian, let me go. This is not helping me. Don't make me pee over you.
I try to make him relax his arm by rubbing it and as soon as I feel him losing strength I shuffle myself from the bed. Thank fuck!
I make my way to the bathroom without looking back. I think he's still asleep. I'm hoping he's still asleep because it would make me feel awkward. I'm running off to the bathroom like an idiot and I'm trying really hard to hold it up, so I know that it looks weird.
I close the door behind me and lock it quickly. Turning around to use the toilet makes me stop in my tracks. I feel something that I should not feel. Oh fuck! No!
I feel something dripping on my leg and fuck! Fuck! Fuck! We didn't use a condom. Oh damn! How could we have forget that? I look down and yep, no question about it. Oh god, how could I have been that stupid. I need to think here.
I use the toilet and turn on the shower. That might help me getting my head back screwed on. I look in the mirror and I snort at the sight of my hair. It's tangled everywhere and I would make a perfect Tina Turner impression with this. Guess I don't have to try to brush it now unless I want to brake it.
I look at my face when I think about the condom use. No, the lack of it. Thank fuck I can't get pregnant! But STD's? Oh god, we should have thought about that. I haven't got any, but I don't know about him. He said it was a while back but that isn't saying much either. He doesn't have any, does he? Oh fuck, I will have to ask. How could we not have used one?
I guess I don't have to fuck myself over with that question. We forgot. I didn't thought about it ones. Hell, I don't even have them. Did he have one with him? He never mentioned anything about it so I assume that he forgot it to. It wasn't really on my mind when he was laying on the bed with his dick standing up in need for some attention.
Boy, that was a sight. All I could think about was that I wanted it. I wasn't really busy with anything else. I think the entire building could have been on fire and I wouldn't have noticed a thing. Especially when I saw and heard the pleasure he was having. God, I'm getting turned on again when I think of it. It was fucking hot to see and feel his head between my legs but it was even better to see him getting lost in his pleasure.
I already knew that I wasn't going to come when he was on top of me. It felt good, but I knew that it wasn't going to give me an orgasm so I could just lay there and enjoy the view. Boy, what a view. It was a major turn on to watch him using my body for his own pleasure. To spurt him on to go further.
He was using pretty much force, but I liked it. I liked it a lot. If somebody would have told me that upfront I wouldn't have believed it. I would have said that it would freak me out. That I wouldn't cooperate if somebody would pine me to the bed, but damn! I loved it when Christian did that to me. I loved it all. Maybe we could do that again?
I look down at my body and see that I have a few bruises from where he was gripping my legs. He sure had a firm grip. I also have a bruise on the side of my hip. How did I get that one? Oh right! We fell to the floor. I'm sure it will be gone quickly. It isn't that painful and I know I always bruise quickly. I see a light bruise on my upper arm and I look back to the mirror quickly. Yeah, that's not one from the fun part. That's one from that asshole Claude of where he grabbed me. I really don't want to think back to that.
I step under the shower and feel the warm water cascading my body. Ahh, this feels good. I really need this.
My body feels sore, but boy it feels sore in a good way. It was a while for me, but everything felt natural last night. It was like it has always been like that. Like it wasn't a first time together.
I'm not sure what it was with him taking his shirt off. All I know is that I wanted it to come off, no matter what. I saw him without a shirt before and there was no way in hell that I would let him get away with that. I promised not to touch him when he told me about it and I really wanted to stick with it. It was a lot harder when he had his shirt off and I needed to stop myself several times, but I'm pretty proud that I did it. Thank fuck that I could help myself because the last thing that I want is to hurt him or freak him out. I don't know what his reasons are, but it would have been a mood killer. That's for sure. Because I was scared myself in braking my promise I tried to ignore his chest all together. I wanted to do things with him and it looked inviting but damn, I couldn't.
I wonder why. I'm not unfamiliar with pain or not wanting somebody to see or do things with you, but I don't know why he is this way. Maybe he didn't had thrust in me not touching it. I hope that wasn't it. If that was the reason then I hope that I showed him otherwise.
When he refused to dance my first thought was that it was because of me. I have to admit that I was relieved when it wasn't the reason. That it was because of that and nothing else.
When I'm done with showering I dry myself quickly. I don't know if Christian is awake yet so I decide not to blow dry my hair. Instead, I make a pony tail and put on a robe that is hanging in the corner.
I walk back to the room and see that he's still sleeping. I smile when I look him over. He's laying flat on his stomach and the duvet has shifted away. I have a nice view on his ass and legs. I don't know why, but I'm a girl that looks at a man's ass and legs first. A lot of guys spend most their time on their upper body's. Sometimes it's like they forget to train their legs all together. I like it when they are trained all over. I don't have a thing with an all muscled type, but I do like it when you can see that they take care of themselves. Christian sure does.
I take a moment to shamelessly stare at him while I can. I know he likes kickboxing, or at least he has done that. I wouldn't mind watching him train sometime. I don't want to see any fighting. I will probably freak out completely, but a training session would be hot. Does he still do that?
I love to workout myself. I tried a lot of different things along the way, but kickboxing hasn't been one of them. Maybe I could give it a try. I don't know, but I could ask about the training. I don't like fighting at all. I was really lost for a moment when Christian and Claude where fighting. Well, I can't call that a fight. It was Christian punching him. I'm thankful that he helped me and I wasn't expecting it, but I freaked out completely. I had seen Christian angry, but not like that. To say that I was shocked wouldn't cover it.
I kept telling myself that it was different, but I got stuck on the answers for the why. Why was it different? After that and after what he said to me before we left I saw a side of him that I hadn't seen. It was a pretty dominant side and it made me wonder. It wasn't like he scared me, but it affected me in a way that I couldn't figure out. I still can't.
I watch how Christian roll on his back and I know that I have to stop staring now. He's looking completely relaxed. His body stretched out on the bed and the duvet is nowhere in sight anymore. I feel like straddling him. I know if I stand here any longer I will wake him up because that's on hell of a morning wood and the longer I stand here watching, the more I think about doing it.
I can't. I shouldn't. He needs his sleep and I'm too damn sore. I like to be able to walk and sit normally and that will not do it.
I walk over to the bed and give him a soft kiss on his lips before I leave. I don't have a big hotel room but there's a side room that I can sit in. I grab my purse and laptop and walk over to the other room as silent as I can. I close the door behind me and let go of the breath that I didn't knew I was holding.
I sit on the couch and look around. And now what? I will just have to wait until Christian is awake, I guess. When will that be? How will that be?
I sigh and contemplate what I'm going to do. Maybe I should have woken him. At least I wouldn't have to be silent. Should I call room service? I would love to have a coffee right now, but I don't want to wake him with room service. Hell, I don't want anyone walking in to the room while he's spread out in the bed like that.
I look around and see that there's a door to the hallway in this room. I could use that.
I look for the card and call them. I make sure that they don't use the main room door, but that they use this one. I'm here alone and it's silent so they only need to knock ones. That should do it. I order coffee and breakfast for the both of us. I only order things that can wait and ask if they want to put the coffee in a pot so it stay's warm. At least it's a start.
While I wait for them to show up with breakfast and coffee I take my laptop out and fire it up. Might as well do some work. I need to do something anyway.
I take a big sip of my second coffee and lean back. I have given up on working and the laptop is thrown away in a corner of the room. I can't focus. I tried several times, but my mind is fucking me over. I keep thinking of Christian in that bed.
I'm feeling more awkward as time is passing. I get nervous from sitting here and waiting. I'm not used to waiting. Well, not like this.
Maybe I should have gone back to bed and have tried to fall asleep again. God, this is stupid.
I have no idea of how this will be. I don't know what he will think when he wakes up. I have never done anything like this, sleeping with a man like that and I have no idea of how I'm supposed to act. In my entire life I have only been with one man. Well, two now if you count Christian with it. Yep, I'm 26 years old and I have only been in one relationship. Well, we have been in a relationship twice, but I don't see that counting. Hell, I wish that it didn't happened at all. We shouldn't have given it a second try. It should have stayed on that first try and failing.
I knew him before we started dating and we didn't had sex until we were together for a few months. That was completely different from this. Christian and I haven't dated. I don't know what he's thinking about this. I really like him and I know he likes me to, but I don't know how he likes me.
I close my eyes and drink more coffee. If only I knew what he's thinking. I don't want to make a fool out of myself. What if he likes me but it's just that? What if this was just a one night stand? How does that work? No, this wasn't a one night thing, is it? Oh no, what if it is? Oh god, what have I done?
I don't want that, but I did made it look like I wanted that, didn't I? I just took him back here for sex. We didn't talk about anything we just did it. No, there is more. There must be more to it. I mean, it felt like he cared. Well, we had sex, off course he cared.
No, it wasn't just sex. I can't think like that.
Okay, think Ana. How did last night go. We had dinner and then we went to that club. We had drinks there and we talked. No, we didn't talked, we just had a conversation. Then we danced and we got back here. Oh god! He thought that it was only sex. I showed him everything as if I just wanted sex. How stupid can I be. Off course he will go along with that. What single man wouldn't.
I take a deep breath. I was more than that. It has to be.
I start to feel really stupid now. Great going Ana. What will he think of me now? That I'm a slut? I couldn't blame him, I was the one giving all the signs for it. I threw myself at him like a piece of meat. Like he was a piece of meat. If I was standing in that club and saw a woman in a dress like I wore and doing what I did, I would have thought of her as one. So he's probably thinking the same.
Oh god, what is wrong with me? I have never done anything like that. Why did I do it? I don't want him to think of me like that. Please don't.
No, last night was different. I just know it. It felt different. I mean, he said it was a long time for him, so maybe he's the same like me. Maybe he's thinking the same. I have it all wrong here and he wants this too, just the way that I want it. He has too.
I look down at my robe and pull it closer around me. I can't help it. I'm out of my element right now and I don't know what to do or what to think. Damn it! When is he going to wake up.
I will just have to follow his lead on this wherever it will go. If he thinks of this as a one night stand, than I will know. I think. I will just have to act my way through it. I should be able to do it. I will just have to repeat his words or something like that. It will break my heart, but I have to. I can do it. I saw how my brothers did it and i refuse to be one of those girls going crazy. I am not going there.
And if he is feeling the same way as I'm feeling right now…. Well…. He will show it, right? I will know.
Oh god! Isn't there some kind of protocol on this? A list of rules how this works.
Maybe I should start? I could tell him that I want more. That I want to spend more time with him. That i want to spend time outside of work. More of this. Dating?
What is more? A relationship? How will that work out? I'm not really relationship material. I know everybody is telling me otherwise, but I know better. I have been going over this with my therapist on numerous occasions and I keep going back to that conclusion. My family has done the same thing. They kept telling me how it wasn't my fault but I don't agree. I saw the change happening right in front of my face. Something must have cause it. Every time that I try to come up with a different answer I fail. I was the cause of that change.
Someone doesn't change overnight. People change because something of someone makes them. If there was no one else around but me how could I not have been the reason.
I know what he did was wrong. I know that he had no right to do any of it, but I was the one sticking around. I was the one that let him. I was the one that made him do it again and again.
I grab my phone and scroll through my email. I threw everything away that had to do with him exept one picture. I have it stored in my email. Last night I saw Christian's face when he was holding my phone. There was curiosity all over it and I know that he wanted to look through it. Part of me was freaking out with the thought that he was going to do it. The biggest part of me was curious if he would. There's not much to find in it anyway. Most of it is work related. He knows all of that already.
What doesn't have to do with work is family stuff. I don't have a lot of friends. There's Lucy. Well, that would have been awkward if he went through those messages, but otherwise. It's pretty safe if he saw it all.
There's only one thing that I don't want him to see. That is this picture that I have stored in my email. It's a picture of me and Justin together. We were out on dinner and it's from our second date. There's dessert in front of us and his arm is wrapped around my shoulder. We look pretty happy in it. I think we were happy when this picture was taken.
I sometimes look back at it as a reminder. A reminder of how easily things can turn sour. How good everything was in the beginning and that he was nothing but a wolf in sheep clothes. How he turned my life in a living hell. God, if it wasn't for my family and Mark I don't know how things would have ended.
I like to believe that I would have walked out of it myself at some point. That I would have been strong enough and secure enough to do it. That I would have been able to see the truth behind the lies, but the reality is that I don't know. That I have to admit that is the worst part of everything.
The closest thing to the truth would have been that I stayed. It was all I knew and I would have hung around like a sick puppy. I really hate myself in this picture. Dumb naïve little Ana. A stupid doll on a string and letting him use me as a puppeteer.
I feel tears coming up and I swallow them away. I can't let him get me like that anymore. I have been going over this for two years and I can't let him inside my head like that. He's not around anymore and I need to move on. I can't change the past and I need to look to the future. I'm not that girl anymore.
It's funny how people approach something like this. It works the same as a newspaper. At first everybody is on it like front page news. Everybody tries to help you and have a say in it. Then as time progresses it disappears. No one will mention it anymore and everybody moves on. They all go back to there every day business. Almost as if it never happened. Case closed and problem solved.
It just didn't work for me like that. It's still here and I'm still living it. At first I tried to talk openly about it with them. It was really difficult, but I had too. My therapist told me why my brothers were reacting the way they were. They were part of it too. They were struggling with themselves and the guilt. I remember those talks. They were horrible and didn't made it any better. At some point I stopped trying and they stopped asking about it too. I think it's just easier like this. Even for Mark. I can't blame them.
Then all our lives moved on and things started to look like they did before. It's like it's forgotten. Or a forbidden subject at least. Every now and then they will say something or ask me a question that seems to bring it up again, but that's it. I really don't think that they know how I'm still living it. It's everywhere for me. Sometimes it even feels like it was yesterday.
I have nightmares so often that I'm used to relive it. I frown when I think of last night. I remember having a dream starting like it, but it must have changed because it didn't woke me up. I don't remember having a nightmare. I wasn't stuck in one. Was that because Christian was sleeping next to me?
I snort. Sleeping on top of me sounds more accurate. Or was it just because I wasn't sleeping alone. I remember sleeping on his couch ones. I didn't had one then either. Maybe that's it. I mean, I still had nightmares when Lucy slept next to me, but that was right afterwards.
Yeah, after I came clean on everything Lucas, Lucy and the kids moved in with me. They stayed for a month. Every night that I would go to bed, Lucy would lay next to me. She would hold my hand and kept telling me that it was fine to fall asleep. That no one could hurt me.
I giggle when I think of Lucas. One night he came barging in my room. Said that he missed his wife and crawled in bed next to her. We kept joking about having a sleepover. It might sound inappropriate, but it wasn't. He was just there to sleep next to Lucy and I felt guilty as hell. He even slept on the covers to prove his point. While they kept saying that they wanted to be there for me all I could think about was that I was standing in their marriage. That I was keeping them from each other and I shouldn't. Although we did have fun in the mornings when Lucy tried to wake him up with shaving cream and a feather. Guess me waking up in the middle of the night screaming wasn't good for his night rest either. There were mornings that it took a really long time before he would react. But then there were also mornings that he was on to us and slammed us with the shaving cream.
I look at myself in the picture and I get disgusted with looking at myself. I really dragged everybody down with me. I think that's the biggest reason why I'm keeping it. It's a good reminder of how stupid I was back then. How I thought everything was a fairy tale and I could have an happy ending.
I look to his smile and get sick by watching at it. There's nothing beautiful about that smile. I remember getting weak in the knees when we met and he smiled like that. Now, that smile is nothing but evil. He used to smile like that when he was done with me. Right after he made his point and letting me fall he would smile like that and tell me how I made him do it. How good life would be if I just behaved right. If I would listen everything would have been perfect.
And then he would apologize profusely and be really sweet and caring. HE would arrange some sort of romantic getaway like nothing happened. And me? I just listened. I would just let him do it. I don't even know if I really believed it. All I know is that I let it all happen.
I still hate myself for it. I still have so many questions that will probably never get answered. Maybe I wanted it to happen. Maybe I got sucked in to it to deep. Maybe I felt guilty for bringing him to that. Maybe I was too damn influential by everyone telling me what a great boyfriend I had. Maybe it's just me. Maybe I deserved it. So many maybe's that nothing answers it.
I close the photo and throw it away on the couch. Will I ever get passed it? I don't even know where he is right now. Is his life miserable? Is he happy? I hope not. I hope he's laying somewhere in the gutter. I hope he's rotting his time out somewhere. Maybe he found someone else. Someone that's giving him a miserable time. Making his life a hell.
I haven't heard Christian yet. Maybe he doesn't want to come out of bed. Maybe he has sneaked out while I'm sitting here. I couldn't blame him. Save yourself while you're at it. Now is as good as ever.
Is that what will happen? Is this just some make believe until I make him go crazy. Will it just be a matter of time before I break the happiness and turn him into a devil? Bring out his worst side and make him miserable.
He seems like a good guy. He was caring and sweet. God, his kisses felt good.
I woke up in the bed so he must have brought me there, which was really sweet. He could have left me on the floor, but he didn't. Unless the hotel is providing an extra service it was him carrying me to the bed. Yeah, he seems like a good guy. He makes me feel cared for. I want him to make me feel like that. It makes me feel safe.
Will it stay that way? Is this just biding time until it goes sour. God, what if I turn him into that? What if I change him and he turns into a bitter man. I will ruin him, isn't it? All this, is nothing but a moment. I don't want him to change. I don't want to drag him down. I don't want him to hate me.
I can't have him looking at me like that. I can't have him looking at me with hate. What if he gets disgusted by me? What if he sees the truth? What if he sees that I have nothing to offer for him? That I will only make him hate himself? Hating me?
Oh god he will hate me. No. Please… He will… He will think I'm pathetic.
I will see him watching me like that almost every day of the week. He will avoid me. He will quit his job.
Oh fuck!
Work! I'm his boss! I hadn't thought about that all morning. Or last night. Oh god! We're working together. We're fucking working together.
I lean forward in my hands and I feel like banging my head against the table. Great! How long will it be until someone hoists me up on his shoulder to drop my ass down in a nuthouse.
I'm his fucking boss. How the hell is it supposed to look like if we would be dating? Some secret love affair? That will never work. I don't want to be with him for just sex. I can't do that. I don't know about him, but I need more than that. I can't be more than that.
It will be horrible. What if I fuck it up? What if he doesn't want to be around me anymore? He will quit just because of me. He loves his job and I will ruin everything. I will screw up his whole life. It will just be a matter of time.
And Mark. He needs Christian on board. Especially now. He wants to work less and it would mean that he will need to find someone else. How am I going to explain that? Who will be able to replace Christian? He's perfect for the job. Hell, with the rate he's going he could take my place in a heartbeat. If someone hadn't hold him back for years he would probably have squashed my company already. It would have been horrible to have him against me. He has been ruthless with his projects so far. Much more then I would have been, but I have let him. It's paying off in profits big time and he has been right about it all so far.
He has been paying attention to several companies that were pretty solid. We weren't paying much attention to them because there wasn't a real issue, but he did. These are sleeping projects and we only look at the numbers every month because they have been managing themselves. He picked them up and made a couple of simple chances and the profits have been growing. He only did some small things like changing a few staff members around, but it's paying off nicely. Hell, these weren't even projects that were given to him. He just picked these ones up himself and started on it.
Arggh. He has been a real asset to the company and I just threw it away. Last night I was horny and hot and I wanted him badly. Fucking hell, not just last night. I should have known better. I should have stepped away from it and realize what I was doing. Christian is not some man I just met. He's someone… more.
Why do I have to be his boss? Why can't it be simple. Why did I let him get that close to me? I shouldn't have done that. I shouldn't have crossed those lines. We crossed it. I have to change it. I have to make us turn back to the other side of it. I can't but I have no choice. I can't do that to him. I can't hurt him like that. I can't give him make believes that I can't live up to.
I feel tears coming to my eyes when I think of what I have to do. I will need to find a way to let him go. To stop it all before it gets too far.
Too far? I snort with that thought. We slept together, isn't that to far already. Why do I like him so much. Why do I have to fall for him? Why can't I be happy? Why can't it be simple? Why me?
I feel a tear dropping from my eye and watch it fall on the sleeve of my robe. I don't want this to end. I don't want to leave this hotel room and go back to Seattle. I want to crawl back in the bed and forget everything. I want to forget life. I want to go back to last night .
I feel more tears falling now. There's no point in stopping them. It won't work anyway. I wipe them away with my sleeve, but they just keep falling.
I want to go back to last night when he was holding me. When he was laying on top of me and I could fall asleep against him. I want to feel it all again.
I want to go back to our bubble last night where it was just me and him. When it felt simple. When I was safe in his arms and the outside world didn't existed. To that feeling that there was nothing wrong in the world and it was just me and him. When it felt like the world was ours and nothing mattered.
I want to go back to that happiness but I know I can't. Oh god! I lost what I never had.
I hear the door crashing open. Christian is standing in the door way and his eyes tell it all. I look in his face and I see it. There's no denying it. It was never in arms reach.
I feel more tears coming and I feel my heart breaking as Christian storms off to the bathroom and nearly breaks the door in half behind him. I watch the door of the bathroom and I know it.
I fucked everything up and I have no one to blame but me.
Christian pov
I lean both my hands against the shower wall and do everything to get my anger under control. How could she?
I woke up to an empty bed. Ana was nowhere in sight. I was sitting there for a moment to look around to see where she was, but I couldn't find her. I thought she was in the bathroom. Maybe she was taking a shower or a bath. I was already thinking of joining her, but it was empty.
I started to panic that she had left, but then I heard something coming from a side room. I hadn't noticed it before but I saw the double doors leading to it. It made me smile. She's a beautiful caring and thoughtful woman and didn't wanted to wake me. She could have, I wouldn't have minded it at all, but she didn't. At least I thought so. Fucking hell!
All the time I was smiling about it. I had put my jeans on quickly with a smile and I still had that smile on my face when I stood behind the doors.
I thought last night meant something to her. I thought that she cared for me. I thought that she wanted me. Why can't she just want me?
I stood behind the door and I heart sounds coming from it. It stopped me from opening the doors and I listened to it. There was no mistake in it. It was Ana crying. She was fucking crying.
Am I really that horrible? Does she regret it that much? I kept listening until I was really sure of it. She was fucking crying!
It broke my heart to hear her like that. At least at first. I started to feel really bad for her. But then I got snapped back to the reality. She was fucking crying over me. She woke up this morning and probably jumped out of bed to get away from me. She has probably made a run for it and now she's crying because she regrets everything. And the more and more I think about it, the angrier I get. That bitch!
How could she have fucking been like that last night and then react like this. How could she have been that caring and sweet if she's so disgusted by me? How could she have made me feel wanted like that if she doesn't want me near her? How the fuck could she?
I really thought she was different. I thought that she wouldn't use me like that. Was that it? I was a cheap fuck for her? I was around and she was just interested in a fuck. She just used me because it was simple. Poor pathetic Christian is falling for his boss and as a whore she played me.
She knew! She knew what she was doing. The fuck with the alcohol! She wasn't drunk and she has no right to play victim here. The hell with it!
The more I listened to her crying, the more it fueled my anger. Who the hell does she think she is?
A conceiving bitch is what she is! How could she hurt me like that?
I threw the door open and I saw it. I saw it all in front of me. She was sitting on the couch with a tear stained face and her eyes said it all.
Regret
She fucking regrets it.
My chest is heaving fast and I feel like crashing down on this bathroom. I feel like taking everything in here that belongs to her and break it. I hate her. I fucking hate her!
What am I? A freak? Am I that disgusting to be around? To be with?
I try to get my breathing down, but it's no use. I feel like crying right now, but I won't. Anger is better. I will not let her have that. I step back and look around. I need to get myself together here before I walk out again.
I turn on the shower and take my jeans off. If she felt so free in using me, I might as well use her shower.
I feel the warm water hitting my face and the longer I stand here, the closer I get to crying. I can't believe this. I woke up happy and was thinking of a nice breakfast together. I was thinking about having a nice long shower together. This was not something that crossed my mind. Not like this.
Fucking hell! I was even thinking about telling her about last night. I wanted to tell her what happened when she slept. How she was touching my chest. How she made me feel. I wanted to tell her what I feel for her and how I want more. I can't believe how stupid I am.
I was thinking about throwing my arms around her while she doesn't even want me near her.
I grab some soap from the side and start to wash me. I must smell like her. We sure can't have that. I wouldn't want to disgust her more and bring her back memory lane of what happened last night. I start to rub the soap everywhere. Might as well make sure that I don't miss a spot for miss little perfect out there.
I'm washing myself when I realize something. We didn't used a condom. Fuck! We should have used one! I don't have any, but surely she does. I mean, if she's that much of a whore I'm sure the nightstand is full of it. Great, now I have to check for STD's too. Great! just great. Everything is fucking great.
When I'm done I turn off the shower and dry myself. The closer I get to being ready, the more hatred starts to consume me.
Hate is good. Hate is something I can handle. I can deal with this.
I put my jeans back on and look at the door. I need to get out of here. I need to get my stuff and leave.
Oh fuck! It means that I will have to look at her. I don't want to see her. I don't want to see her ever again. I can't.
I lean my head against the door and close my eyes. Why Ana? Why?
Why did you do this? Why couldn't you just have shot me in the head? Anything is better than this. Why?
I take a deep breath and make up my mind. I need answers. I don't care how, but I need them. She owns it to me. I don't give a shit about her feelings. She can cry a river and drown in it. I don't give a fuck! I have questions and she better answers them.
I open the door and walk in the room. There's no sight of Ana and I grab my stuff from the floor. I put my shirt on and take on last look around.
Everything felt so good last night. Everything felt like it fitted. Like it was supposed to be just us. Her and me together. And now…
Now it's all shot to hell. She fucked me over like I'm worthless. She made me feel like I was somebody. Like I was worth a million bucks. And why? Just to throw me in front of a bus? Is that it? Is that what gives her a high?
I thought I had been at the bottom. I thought that I was finally getting somewhere only to be slammed back to the floor. I thought I could have her. She made me feel like I could have it all. Like I belonged somewhere.
And I hate it. I hate her. I hate myself. I let her. I made it all so easy for her. I let her break my heart and I'm feeling worst then I have ever felt before.
I look to the side room and the door is still open. Is she still sitting there? Has she left? Let me guess, she's scared that I will confront her. She's probably terrified that I have seen through her lies and will tell her just that. Well, that's her problem. I will let her know how I feel about this. I will tell her exactly what for horrible bitch she is.
I storm to the side room and I find her there. She's still sitting on the couch with her robe. She is staring of into space but there are still tears on her face. So, the little minx has cried some more. She hasn't responded to me.
I know that she knows that I'm here. I wasn't exactly quiet when I stormed in here. I look around the room and see that there's breakfast standing ready on the table. I see coffee mugs on the side table and everything looks to be for two persons.
Really? What the hell did she think?
Hey Christian, let's have an honest conversation. I'm sorry for last night because I'm really disgusted by you. Here, have some coffee.
Oh really, well that's fine. Let's have breakfast.
Is she fucking serious?
I look back at Ana who still hasn't said a word. Bitch! First you screw me over and then you hide yourself like a coward behind fake tears. The least she could do is giving me a fake apology.
I feel my temper rising even higher and I have to stop myself from throwing this stupid breakfast around the room. Damn it all to hell!
I walk up to her and stand in front of her. It takes her a moment, but she's finally looking up to me. I almost change my mind and kneel down in front of her to take her in my arms. To wipe her tears away and hold her until she stops crying. God, she looks fragile like this.
No!
No! I've been stupid once and I won't be stupid twice. Besides, she will probably starts crying even more from the thought of touching me. I don't want to freak her out with that again.
We're looking at each other and neither of us is saying anything. There's so much I want to scream at her. So much what I want to tell her that I don't even know where to begin.
She's not saying anything too. She's just watching me and I watch fresh tears falling down from her face. Playing the fucking victim. Wow! She can really play that card. Lying whore!
"Stop it!" I nearly yell at her
She's shocked for a moment and I see her take a deep breath before another tear falls.
"You stop it! You're nothing but a conceiving bitch!"
"Christian, I…" She starts but I stop her.
"No! I don't want to hear more lies from you!"
"But I wasn't…. I haven't….." She chokes out and she starts to cry harder now.
"I said stop it! You are going to listen to me now." I spit at her and take a deep breath. I watch her wiping some tears away with her sleeve, but it's only pissing me off more.
"How could you? I thought…. I thought you were different. I thought that we..." I say and shake my head. "I thought you were honest." I tell her through clenched teeth and Ana is trying to cut in again.
"I'm sorry, but…." She starts and I cut her off again. Oh no you don't!
"Shut up! You're not sorry so stop pretending! I was thinking the world of you, but you're nothing but a whore!"
"Please….that's not…."
"No! I don't want to hear it. You played me and I don't want to hear more of it!" I tell her and bend forward so I'm on eye level with her. I watch her face and she looks crestfallen. I bet she didn't thought that I would see through her. I bet she thought that I would go along with everything like an brainless asshole.
"You won't do that to me again. I won't let you. You can put up this act all you want, but you won't have me with it." I spit at her and stand up.
"You make me sick." And fighting back my own tears I turn and leave. I need to get the hell out of here. I can't look at her anymore.
"Christian, wait!" I hear Ana yell at me but I keep walking. I need to be alone. She needs to leave me alone.
I walk to the door when I feel a hand grabbing my arm. Without thinking I grab it and throw it off of my arm and turn around. How dare she!
"Wait! Please…."
I watch how Ana gets slammed against the wall. Oh god! I have hurt her!
I jump forward to help her, but it's too late. I see her body hitting the wall with a bounce and sliding down the wall to the floor. I hear her cry out loud now and as soon as she hits the floor she throws her arms around her and hides her head in it.
"Ana! Are you hurt?" I ask her, but she doesn't respond.
"Ana!" I ask and get on my own knees beside her and grab both her arms. "Are you physically hurt? Anywhere?" and she looks up.
"No." she chokes out and she tries to shuffle her body away from. "I'm not…. Physically… hurt."
I hear her crying behind her arms. It isn't even crying anymore. She's sobbing really hard and i feel my heart braking. She isn't looking up at me and I sit here for a moment not knowing what to do. Oh god, what have I done. It was never my intention to throw her against the wall. Ana is a lightweight. I should have known better then to push her off like that. Fuck!
After a moment I stand up and decide I should leave. She says that she isn't hurt, so I'll take that as my cue. I feel tears falling from my own eyes while looking down at her. I don't want to leave, not after what I just did to her, but I don't know what else to do.
I feel a sadness while looking at her, because I know it's probably the last time I'm seeing her. By the time it's Monday I will be fired. I'm sure off it. I have just lost everything while I woke up feeling like I had it all.
"I'm sorry." Is all I can choke out before I turn and walk away. I hear Ana's crying and I know that it will most likely haunt me for a long time. I can't hear it anymore. I can't.
I close the door behind me and lean against it. How did we came to this?
I don't care anymore. I feel my tears falling and I don't even try to stop it. There's no point.
After a moment I get the feeling like I'm being watched. I look around but I don't see anyone. Ana hasn't opened the door to find me. It isn't her.
Like anyone would care.
I go to my own room. I need to pack up and fly back to Seattle. I really don't know what to do. All I know is that I wished we never went to France. I wished that I hadn't met Ana.
Soooo, I was a little scared for posting this after the reviews on the last LOL
I wanted to start on top of the chapter with a; I hope you enjoy! But I figured it would be better to leave it out ;-)
I thought about doing a A/N for this chapter. On one part I don't want to give it all away, but I realize that this is not the same as a book. I have my reasons for this chapter, but that is up next. If it's a book it will all be there so you can just read further along to find out why. Now, you'll have to wait until I have the next update ready for posting. Frustrating, I know. Therefore, I decided to give an explanation.
I know; I'm mean, it's a bitchy chapter and I'm probably get accused of giving people a whiplash from it. ( that's why I gave this chapter that title. The original title was: catch me)
Unfortunately, I NEED this to happen and I need this to happen in THIS chapter.
I thought about writing a happy morning after but it wouldn't fit the story. I couldn't let that happen.
Why?
On one side you have Christian who sees things his way. He uses his own insecurities, shortcomings and negativity to fill up the gaps. He's inpatient and doesn't exactly hangs around to get a full picture. He has been told about this issue several times yet he's still doing it. It's a habit and that doesn't change easily.
Then there's Ana. She's doing the exact same thing as Christian only it's even worse. She keeps answering questions that she can't answer herself. You can't fill in the blank when it comes to other people's feelings and thoughts. If you want to know, you will have to ask. She doesn't do that. Nope, she thinks out of a perspective where she makes decisions based on what SHE thinks will make others happy. On how SHE thinks what's best for them. And to top it off, she doesn't fit in any of those answers herself. This includes Christian and when you have two characters like that collide you can expect it to go nuclear sometime.
Also, the fact how Ana is hiding herself isn't helping either. Through the entire story Christian has been quite honest. Sure, he hasn't told her everything, but enough to know that he has issues. It was enough to show how it's effecting him in the present. He hasn't been hiding it from her. She knows.
And now Ana, she hasn't been honest at all. I'm sure that a major part of her past isn't a secret anymore for the ones reading it. Even though I didn't named it directly I'm pretty sure you figured it out. But Christian doesn't. She keeps diverting. She hasn't told him anything about her real issues. Christian might have seen a little, but that wasn't Ana's doing. It was him finding out himself. Remember that Ana was a model and is used to being watched by the public eye. She knows how to hide her true feelings because she learned how to smile on cue. She can put it aside and look shiningly happy if someone asks her too and she has used that for herself for years. Yes, it's not in detail mentioned in the story, but it could speak for itself. She has been hiding herself in plain sight.
Now, if they want to have a HEA and move on, something needs to happen. They could either go back and forth because of this for a very long time or something forces them. There's no other way because there are enough battles coming if they are together and they need to know how to fight them together, otherwise it will be over quickly.
How 'bout work? Mark? College's? gossiping? Or their pasts and what comes from that? Family? And a few more but I be damned if I give that away ( LOL) If they can't get past these communication issues and stop judging each other because of it, I can just as well stop now. It's simple, I won't have a story anymore. Not if I want it to stay a 'believable' fiction and that is what I want to write.
Since I don't want this to be some on off relationship type of story I'm going with the second option. So, when their real HEA starts, it will stay like that. Sure, there will be issues or problems, but it won't be a break up and make up story. Not like that. So, I hope that it explains it before everyone shoots me down. If you still want to do it, you're more than welcome. I will just keep focusing on the next chapter :-)
That's all I wanted to say about it.