Chapter 25

'Right, my treat from start to finish today but you and William can choose where we go except I need to call into Marks's food hall for some of their smoked mackerel just before we head home.'

Celia had knocked on the side door of the main house over half-an-hour before she was expected. In stark contrast to the mood of her mother, whose positivity was both surprising and jarring, Caroline was struggling to summon up any energy and interest in the outing. Her mind was focused on Kate and she was anxious lest her mother remembered she'd promised to show her the photos from the wedding. Having intended to use them as a springboard to introduce her relationship with Kate, she wanted to keep them under wraps for the time being. She sipped at her second coffee of the day, hoping that the caffeine boost would do the necessary. She was ashamed of herself for feeling grateful that William would be with them to reduce the effort and patience she would need to find.

'No, should be my treat, mum. As you quite rightly told me, I've neglected you of late.'

'Yes, but that doesn't mean I expect you to pay. Your company is worth more than money, you know.'

Caroline smiled half-heartedly.

'What's up, Caroline? We don't have to go out if you're too tired.'

'Of course we're going. Sorry for not overflowing with energy. You know how school is when an inspection is looming and on top of that we had a problem with the heating yesterday. Hopefully it'll be fixed before Tuesday or it won't look good when the Inspectors visit. I'm just limping towards the Easter holidays, mum; seven schooldays and counting! On top of everything else, Lawrence is worrying me.'

'What's up with Lawrence?' Celia asked anxiously.

'Since when do you need to ask what's up with that lazy dipstick, Gran?' William joked as he came into the kitchen. 'I'm ready, how about my two favourite ladies!'

'I'll tell you later.' Caroline mouthed silently towards her mother.

Even with Caroline's negativity, their day started well. William suggested looking at a joint exhibition of local artists and poets in Harrogate's main library, to which Caroline and Celia happily agreed. Lunch at an independent pizzeria was Caroline's proposal for lunch, followed by cake at a coffee house. Caroline felt the latter was an overpriced establishment, a case of style over substance, but it seemed only right that they ended up there as it was Celia's favourite. William was becoming bored by this time, so once he had eaten his crème caramel cheesecake he was happy to immerse himself in a book while his mum and Gran chatted over a drink.

It had been years since Caroline's dad had died yet Celia still managed to criticise his behaviour when given an audience and that afternoon was no exception. Having been happily discussing some of the displays they had seen in the library, Celia somehow managed to divert the conversation seamlessly to the fact that her late husband, Kenneth, had failed to provide for her in his private pension and how well she had looked after him as his health deteriorated even though she knew he wouldn't have done the same for her if the tables had been turned. Having heard the same reproaches numerous times, Caroline's mind again drifted off to Kate and she couldn't wait to start heading home where she hoped to have time to wallow in her misery. On the point of switching off altogether she was brought back to attention by another shift in the conversation.

'I've got a pen pal; did William tell you?'

'No.'

'I helped Gran put her details on Facebook.' William also resumed some interest in their conversation.

To say that Caroline was surprised would have been an understatement. Her mother on Facebook! She couldn't believe what she was hearing and looked askance at her son for his part in the process.

'It's a fella I was at school with. Well, he was a lad then, obviously. It's been a trip down memory lane although it's odd because he talks as if he lived in the next street but if he did, then I'm beggared if I can place him. You see he was in my year but not in my form.'

'Gran was in the A stream,' William added proudly.

'Anyway, it's all nowt! This coffee tastes dreadful. I make better cups in my microwave at home.'

'Why don't you ask him for a photo if you can't place him?' Caroline resumed the conversation when they were in the car on the way home, trying desperately to end the day on a positive interaction with her mother.

'She's got one.' William contributed from the back of the Jeep.

'Only on the e mail. People look different when they get older, don't they? Well, men do anyway. Oh, there's John's car.' Celia noticed, before Caroline and William, as they turned into their driveway. 'I wonder what he wants,' she added disdainfully, voicing the thoughts of her companions.

Celia was now on high alert. She knew the damage that John's infidelity had caused but she was suspicious of his actions even before that had come to light and held him in low esteem for his lacklustre efforts in the home. She would have loved to go into the house to see what was going on but knew that she would hear from her daughter soon enough and thought she would be more use back at her flat, as a refuge should there be a need.

'I'm going to the flat to put my mackerel in the fridge. See you later,' she called as she headed to the side of the house.

Caroline and William exchanged confused glances as they entered the house, finding the two conspirators in the lounge. John and Lawrence stood, hands in pockets, looking suspicious and anxious as they heard the key in the door.

'Dad's here,' Lawrence informed them.

'Hello.' John simpered.

'Hello.' Caroline replied cautiously.

'Hi Will.'

'I'm going to my room.' William had not spoken to his father since Christmas and had no wish to do so.

'I let myself in.'

'So I see. I didn't know you had a key.'

'Do you want it back?'

'Either way.' Caroline dismissed the thought with her hand as she flinched inwardly.

'How's your mother?'

'She's fine. Why are you here, John?'

Feeling that she had coped with enough emotional upheaval over recent days, John's appearance was the last thing she needed, and she did not intend to waste time in polite conversation. She judged that he had shown up for a reason and the sooner she knew what it was, the better. The sense of joy that had been hers since the beginning of her friendship with Kate, coupled with love, security and promise from the development of their relationship, had healed the damage John had so recklessly caused and taken her beyond a mundane, routine existence to something quite wonderful. She knew, without doubt, that as her life had changed for the better all living at Conway Drive had benefitted. She saw in his uninvited presence a potential threat to that improvement and didn't intend his visit to last any longer than necessary.

During their brief exchange Lawrence had stood by his father's side. John now asked him to give them some time and the youngster left the lounge, his hopes high of a satisfactory conclusion to the discussion between his parents. Caroline closed the door after him before propping herself up against the sideboard, as John began his tale from the chair opposite her.

'I'm tempted to say that it's a long story, but it isn't really. Turns out Judith is a bit of an alcoholic.'

He continued to go into detail, explaining that he knew Judith enjoyed a drink but hadn't realised the extent of her problem until recently. Caroline initially felt horrified and bored in equal measure as the tale unfolded, with her baser instincts shouting that justice had been served by John facing the turmoil evident in his words. But, they had been together for over twenty years and married for most of that time. To her surprise she began to feel the flames of sympathy and hope developing as she recalled she had not stopped loving him until he had cheated on her. They were not years and emotions so easily forgotten.

'How does this involve me?'

'I've made a terrible mistake, Caroline.'

'Oh, I see. You want to come back.'

'What do you think.'

'I don't know.'

Caroline's last statement was incorrect. She did know what she thought; she felt inexplicably torn, torn between two extremes. She could resume her journey with the feckless, unfaithful man in front of her who was the father of her children, at least one of whom was desperate to have the family whole again, or she could build a future with a woman who loved and respected her, someone she trusted but who wanted something almost impossible to contemplate. Her head seemed about to explode from within as John continued his speech.

'I was dazzled. It's pathetic. Even more so when you see what a sorry, empty-headed mess she…. sorry, you don't want to hear this.'

Caroline was about to comment but he continued in similar vein despite his stated awareness that she didn't want to listen to his feelings about Judith's behaviour.

'And so selfish. You can't imagine it, sorry. I guess I never have, seen it up close, that is. It's only now I realise what a fool I've made of myself and to have thrown away all this with you and the boys. For what? It's appalling. It's abysmal. It's unthinkable.'

Having finished his plea, he did his best to show a beseeching face, one full of despair at his predicament and hope for a welcome response. Caroline had been analysing his words and expressions as he spoke, waiting – hoping – for words of apology, declaration of love or, at the very least, awareness of the effects of his actions on her and the boys. Rather she was presented with a self-centred denunciation of his lover and the wrongs the affair had brought him. Her brain whirled with images of the family on holiday in happier days, the boys laughing while he did something ridiculous just to make them happy. Her logic challenged her to think what his return would mean for the boys; for William and for Lawrence. Lawrence, troubled Lawrence. Then it happened, pieces of the jigsaw fell into place and she smiled, although this was not a reflection of her predominant emotion.

'Have you mentioned this to Lawrence?' She tried to appear relaxed.

'Yes. He knows that I'm unhappy and that I want to make amends.'

'Make amends, John?'

'To you. To the boys. Leaving you was so wrong. It has made all of us unhappy. All that wasted time apart.'

'And you now think that you can come back, and all will be well.' Her polite conversational skills would not survive for very much longer.

'Well, not quite as easily as that. Obviously. But I do think it's for the best. Lawrence has been so unhappy.'

'Do you know what happened on Thursday evening? Did he tell you?'

'He hinted at something. I didn't like to pressure him to tell me the details. He's been hurt enough.'

'Shall we ask him to come in and tell you?'

Lawrence had not been able to keep his antics to himself and he had re-enacted his play acting to his father earlier that afternoon. Caroline guessed that John did know what Lawrence had done and the look on her husband's face confirmed her theory.

'Oh, surely not, Caroline. We can't ask the lad to pour his soul out on demand. That would be totally irresponsible.'

'But it wasn't irresponsible for you to use him to pave the way for your appeal to me? It wasn't irresponsible for you to tell him that you wanted to come back to live here, to get his hopes up and risk having me look like the villain if I didn't accede to your request? Eh?' Sadly, for John, he was not yet alert enough to the fact that he had been caught on the hook of his and his son's making and was about to be landed.

'I was desperate, Caroline. You don't understand how unhappy I am with Judith.'

'She's not fun anymore, then?' Caroline resisted the urge to shout, aware that the boys would hear. Her mind was made up, but she wanted to see John grovel before she delivered her verdict.

'What do you mean? Fun?'

'That's what you told me when you left after I'd asked why. You told me she was fun.'

'I've just said, I was dazzled. It meant nothing. Probably some mid-life crisis or something. I know you'll still be hurting from the humiliation I've caused but living with Judith has caused me humiliation too. It's my fault, I know. I accept that, I do, but now I need to come back. Please, Caroline; let me come home.'

Although longing to continue to string him along, she could no longer cope with the sight of him let alone listen to any more of his rubbish.

'Do you honestly think I give a flying fuck what you need, John? I'll offer you the same amount of respect for your needs as you gave to mine six months ago. Zero. Nothing. Zilch. That's how much the boys and I got from you when you went off with Judith without a backward glance. You don't want to come back here because you want us. You want to come back here because now, to you, THIS grass is greener. But guess what, John? I don't need you to mow my lawn anymore. I'll tell you what's abysmal and appalling and whatever else it was that you just said. You. You're those things and if I could be bothered I'd string together a whole host of other negatives to describe you but you're not worth my time and I certainly haven't got the energy. Just as you've realised Judith is an alcoholic, so I've realised what you are. I trust you're getting the gist here. Move back in if you must, the house is half yours and, legally, there's nothing I can do to stop you. But hear my words, you'll be in the spare room and if you so much as look at me with any degree of intent or even think about crossing the threshold to my bedroom I'll chop your bollocks off and feed them to the birds. Clear? Now, would you like some tea before you go?'