Thanks for the comments on this fic, Whirlwind and Up in the Air.
i will post the Lost Chapters- but once I finish posting this- for fear of spoilers for first time readers.
phantomframe- you're killing me lol
Ejm137- glad to see you're still around and enjoying for a second time.
Vausemanitis- tysm. That was so kind. I spent a lot of time thinking about their back story and where I wanted to see them while keeping it realistic.
17vauseman17- enjoy.
Vausemaniac- always cherished your well thought out commentary. I didn't even know there was a Vauseman fanfic community lol- but you know I'm a bit of a martian when it comes to this.
Acanofbeans- love the name; hope this was fast enough.
Pcav2000, scarredrain and new readers- I'm sorry you searched and couldnt find this.
VonZeppy, NightsLightss, hereforthefix, Librarybook- thanks for the loyalty and enthusiasm. Sorry to have taken down one of your favs.
25
Their sedan circles the blocks adjacent to their apartment for twenty minutes before finding a parking spot. Alex gets her suitcase out of the back while Piper gets James out of his seat. The brunette sets the bag on the sidewalk and elongates the metal handle.
"Take him," she says handing him over to Alex.
She takes Jamie and holds him close to her chest, resting his head on her shoulder while Piper drags her suitcase behind them as they walk the few blocks home. Alex lays him down on his bed and closes his door just shy of being completely shut. Piper sets the kettle on, the apartment is quiet, the legs of the chair screech across the hardwood, as Alex pulls it away from the table and slumps down. She lays her head on her folded arms and draws her nail in the groove of the wood on the edge of the table. Piper places two mugs on the flat surface, pulling the string of the chai tea bag over the side of Alex's mug and caresses the brunette's head causing her to lift it up. She tracks her eyes from the tea bag to the brunette, motioning for Alex to take over; the brunette pinches the string, lightly brushing her fingertips against the blonde's. She dunks the tea bag repeatedly, she stares at her own hand, mesmerized by the rhythmic up and down motion.
"So," Piper breaks the silence and takes a sip from her own mug.
Alex slumps down further, and places her feet into Piper's lap, letting her neck fall back, cradled against the back-rest of the chair.
"Where do we begin?," Piper asks while wrapping both hands around the brunette's foot and starts familiarly massaging the arch.
Alex shrugs her shoulders, and pulls the mug to her chest with both hands; she dips her face toward the heat and wiggles her toes gently against Piper's lower abdomen, making the blonde suck in, tickled by the touch.
The brunette's thumbs come away from the mug. She's dreading every aspect of this conversation. She looks up at Piper who appears unamused at the brunette's lack of conversation. She finally wills up the courage and musters, "I'm sorry I left the way I did but..." when Piper interrupts her.
"When I said..."
"You're gonna need to not cut me off," she says sharply withdrawing her feet, Piper's hands quickly come away from her feet, knowing not to touch Alex when she's this upset. She crosses her arms and cups her elbows, resisting the urge to reach out; she pulls her arms in toward her body and gives a slight nod in understanding.
"There's a fine line between love and hurting, and knowing when to walk away."
Piper tilts her head slightly, unsure if Alex is about to say something else. "When I said I needed space, I meant an hour or two."
"Well we hadn't really talked in weeks so you could understand my misinterpretation?," she says with a raised voice.
Piper raises both hands, "if were going to get through this conversation," she motioned between herself and Alex, "we need to not yell at each other."
Alex rubs her hands over her tense thighs, and looks up at the woman who can simultaneously make her feel like the flame within her can set the world on fire and make her combust into a pile of pink sparkly glitter within a matter of seconds. Alex slumps back down and puts a foot back into Piper's lap while hooking her ankle behind the leg of her chair. She pulls the cup of tea toward her mouth and sips slowly.
Piper gently starts squeezing her foot again, "I just want you to know that I heard you, and I've thought through your words over and over again," she explains, while Alex leans forward, interested, "and while I can hear your words, I still don't understand them."
Alex looks up to the corner of the room, and that's always been my problem, hasn't it? Being misunderstood? If you can't understand me after all this time, will you ever?
Piper squeezes her big toe, "hey..." she says trying to get Alex to look at her, "talk to me," she says with a slight plead in her voice.
Alex tightens her grasp on her mug for a moment before dipping her finger in the tea, she twirls it around, "complete honesty?"
Piper shuts her eyes tightly and breathes out, "that's all I've ever asked of you."
She sucks the tea off her finger, and bites the tip between her front teeth, "I've learned to put my guard up, to protect myself instead of laying everything out," her eyes are pained. "Every time," she says slowly, "I've let it completely down, it's backfired on me."
Piper opened her mouth, ready to protest with a list of the times when letting her guard down had worked in her favor, but she holds her tongue out of fear that she'd trivialize her wife's feelings.
"I've loved you for such a long time," all that reads from the brunette's face is innocence, "and the last thing I want to do, is be the person that causes you anymore heartache." Piper withdraws her hand from Alex's foot and rubs it along her collarbone. "I wanted this for a while, but I was pretty certain you didn't want another baby, we're always busy. I didn't know how to approach it, without running the risk of you getting upset."
"You don't have to protect me."
"One of my biggest regrets, was failing to protect you," she admits. Piper's heart always tugs at Alex's recount of her regrets, as they continuously aim to not live their lives with that smog hanging over their heads. She wags a single finger toward Alex motioning for her to stop with the self-deprecation before she continues.
The brunette swallows, "and while I didn't want to have that conversation and make you upset, I also didn't know if I could handle hearing you actually say it. So I let it sit." She slides her fingers under her glasses and rubs at her eyes.
Piper stares at her wife, her energy is spent. Her skin looks worn, like she hasn't slept in days. She looks exhausted, hopeless, defeated. She's lost for words on how to console her, to make her feel that she could've come to her with anything on the earth, but she couldn't promise how she would've felt had she approached her about this years ago, she only knew what she felt in this moment. She tries to think of some words of encouragement, when the brunette breaks the silence,
"maybe I need therapy," she says leaning back into her chair, "go back on sad drugs or something?," she says half heartedly.
"If you think that'll help," she replies frankly.
Alex furrows her eyebrows, "thanks," she raises her glasses onto her head.
"Well, don't say shit like that. It's simple, just don't hold back from me. I don't care if that's what you want to do with everyone else, but not with me." She nudges the brunette's leg with her foot. She lowers her voice, slight cowardice wafts in her tone, "that burnt so bad Alex. Reverse the roles, if I hid something big from you, how would you have reacted?," she asks with immediate regret, she damns her foot-in-mouth disease.
Alex leans her elbow forward onto the table, and pressed her eyes into the palm of her hand. Piper rubs her hand along the length of the brunette's arm when she sees the muscles of Alex's mouth fight her frown.
"Don't you wish sometimes that you could climb into someone else's body, to understand what really went on?"
Alex looks up disturbed at Piper's desire, "no, I wouldn't want you to be inside my head. I wouldn't want that for anyone."
Piper pinches the skin on Alex's forearm, causing the brunette to withdraw her arm quickly. "The inside of my skull looks like the fucking aftermath of a semi-annual sale."
Piper laughs, "yeah with the smattering of renaissance quotes and a dash of truck driver profanity." Piper squints her eyes towards Alex's head imagining herself backstroking through her brilliant mind, "could be interesting."
Alex purses her lips,"sérieusement," she looks Piper in her eyes, then crosses her own, "folie."
"Sérieusement," Piper repeats releasing any sarcasm from her tone, she holds Alex from the underside of her jaw, "when you talk to me, like really speak to me, I feel closer to you than any other time. Like I'm special and deserving of your secrets."
Alex lets out a small snicker.
"Ne ris pas!," Piper says annoyed at her laugh, "I feel privileged, to have that with you... like we're, I dunno, married or something."
Alex smiles slightly as she raises her hand to remove the one that Piper has under her chin. She looks at the ring on the blonde's finger before laying her hand flat on their table and rests her cheek against it. Piper uses her other hand to rake through the brunette's hair in comfort, understanding how overwhelmed Alex has to get before she ever really spills out the way she feels. She brings her head down a little closer to Alex's on the table,
"I just feel like I was left in the dark and it's going to take me a little bit of time to get over it alright?"
"I truly didn't mean to leave you in the dark," she says muffled with her cheek still pressed against the backside of Piper's hand.
"Just don't overanalyze how I might react."
Alex lifts her head from the table, "I spent years trying to conduct myself in a way that considered exactly that," she removes her glasses and sets them on the table.
Piper takes the bit of dark hair that's fallen over her face and tucks it behind her ear, "I appreciate you not wanting to upset me, but our life shouldn't balanced on a tightrope, especially when it's something you wanted so badly... it's like a burden, isn't it? To hold it in? Waiting so long until it's not really realistic?"
"Yeah it was... a burden," she breathes in deep and exhales her words, "I waited a long time."
"And now at this point in time, it's not something I can confidently give to you."
"I know."
A week shy of Christmas, Piper wakes up to the sound of something rolling along the hardwood floors of their apartment. The sky is clouded grey, she can see from the inch of curtain that doesn't ever completely block the light from their room. She looks at the clock, 07:30, why didn't my alarm go off? She gets up and curses at the temperature of the room without the warmth of the comforter. She throws on a sweatshirt and pulls back the curtain of the bedroom window, "bleh," she says at the mess of the dirty snow in the street, a blanket of fresh white snow covers the sidewalk. She stretches a headband around her head, while walking into their bathroom and throws some cold water on her face to wake her up, as she didn't have the interval between the first alarm and the snooze that normally roused her. Stepping into the hallway, the rolling gets louder,
"no school, no school, no school," Jamie chants as Alex, who's dressed for work, holds both of his hands.
"Alex!," she whines at her as their son comes toward her down the hall, not only in brand new roller skates that were supposed to be wrapped and under their tree in a week, but in the safety gear as well. He clumsily skates down their hall decked out in knee pads, elbow pads and a helmet.
"Somethings can't wait til Christmas," she justifies. Piper let her wife take advantage of her new "live life in the moment, be appreciative for what you have," mentality.
"You still have to go in?," Piper asks her just before Alex saves James from a wipe out. The blonde runs her hand nervously over her face.
"What?," Alex guffaws, "he is literally covered from head to toe in geek gear, please."
"We should've gotten the wrist guards."
"Stop it, good morning," Alex tells her pecking her on her temple, "and yes I have to go in. Think I'm gonna tickle your fancy and wear this around the house while you watch "The View?"
Piper laughs out loud.
"Working for the man," Alex groans out. "One day it'll snow enough that we'll all get to stay home.
"Entrepreneur," Piper coughs out.
"Not fair," Alex gives her a light shove, "don't have too much fun without me, okay?," she says crouching down to meet Jamie at eye level, "and absolutely no snowmen until I get back!" She keeps a hand on him, as he's still unstable, and stands up, moving his hand into Piper's. "I'll call you at lunch," she says like she always does as she gets her coat and hat on and they follow her down the hallway to the elevator and say goodbye.
Piper gets him out of his skate gear and makes him breakfast. After a lazy morning, he approaches her, while she's on the phone with Polly.
"Let me go Pol, I'm being beckoned for a rousing tournament of hide and seek."
Piper and Alex both got a kick out of playing hide and seek with him, for he only understood the concept half of the time. She loved when he partnered up with one of them and then told whoever was "it" where to hide so he could find them. Piper runs and hides between their bedroom wall and Alex's side of the bed. She hears him finish counting, "...8...9...10, ready or not, here I cooooome." She hears him call her as he goes running from room to room, with a little caution in his voice as Alex has purposely scared him from time to time. She hears him close doors as he finishes searching those rooms. Her lower back starts to ache as she remains curled tight in the narrow space. She recalls the time he kept so quiet while he teamed up with her and hid from Alex under one of their side tables that was cornered between their two couches. They had curled up together in the fetal position as Alex swore they left the apartment after not being able to find them for what seemed like forever. Later in that same evening they stood tall and quiet behind the long curtains of their living room window, until Alex called out "coo coo," like a bird and he repeated, "coo coo," from behind the curtain. Piper cracked up and explained to him he couldn't make any noise, shaking her head in wonder when he had just managed to remain quiet for close to ten minutes before. She heard him tip toe into her bedroom and look behind the door, "mommy?," he asked when he still couldn't find her. She could see his toes coming around the side of the bed, "gotcha!," he shouted excitedly as he found her.
"Awwww, okay, time out I have to go to the bathroom," she said coming to her feet and rubbing the small of her back. "Go hide," she said as she closed the bathroom door, "I'll come find you in a minute," he scampered off.
"Jamie?," she called out, after poking her head from room to room and not finding him. "C'mon babe, I can't find you. I give up." He came out from his bedroom, "I was under the bed!," he said proudly.
"Good spot," she says putting her cellphone in the back pocket of the jeans she just threw on, "let's get dressed okay?," she said opening and closing his drawers quickly.
"We're going out to play?," he asked.
"Not right now, maybe later when mama's home. C'mon put your sweatpants on," she said tossing a pair on his bed.
"But no snowman's!," he says remembering. He sits on his bed and has trouble getting his pants on.
"C'mon, stand up," she says pulling his pants off as he was putting them on backwards. She holds the waistband wide and he stands up and balances himself, resting his hands on her shoulders and slips each of his legs into the pants and she pulls them up hurriedly.
She grabs his hat, mittens and scarf from the closet and forcefully shoves them into her bag. She gets dressed while he sits on the floor and tries to put on his boots. She rapidly ties his laces and pulls him out the door.
Around noon, Piper's phone starts vibrating. "Mommy, it keeps moving," Jamie whines as his match game on her phone continues to be interrupted by every incoming text or call.
"Jamie, shhh, please, one more minute," she says with urgency in her voice. She exhales slowly, "Okay, c'mere," she says to him and reaches a hand out to him for her phone.
She texts Alex back, "can you come home early?"
The clang from the metallic tumbler of the first door lock seems more pronounced then ever. Jamie scoots to the edge of the couch before getting down and runs down the hall to the door to meet Alex. Piper pushes her neck back over the arm of the couch so she can see him.
The second lock unbolts, she opens the door cautiously, hearing Jamie on the other side, "mama!," he says, always excited to see her.
"Hey!," she says as he hugs her legs. He looks up still holding on as she rubs his hair back, "mommy has a baby in her belly," he says, his mouth hangs open.
She blinks hard, her eyes dart around as she holds the back of his head and pressed it into her legs. She looks up, piercing her gaze at a very wide eyed Piper.