Thanks for the reviews, and thanks for reading. This chapter was quite difficult for some reason. I have a feeling the next chapter will be tricky too. Things are getting a bit scary in the wizarding world you see…

Chapter 25

It was nearing one o' clock, and despite the coffee I was still feeling exhausted. Sirius told me he felt the same and wasn't sure he was really up to apparating back to Singapore, so we decided to walk back to my house and stay in Ireland for the night. As we walked back through the quite woods we talked of how Sirius might be able to reclaim his parents home as a hideout.

"When you escaped, I read in the papers that aurors attempted to find the house in Grimmauld place where the Blacks used to live. But they couldn't find it. They found number 11 and number 13, but 12 was absent. They reasoned that it was magically hidden by whomever had lived their last so that only the person who rightfully owns it would be able to enter."

"Yes that sounds about right." Sirius replied. "My father cast some pretty powerful spells over that place. I reckon I'd be safe there. Also maybe we could use a Fidelus charm."

"Yes, but my point was, are you sure you would be able to find it? Are you sure it belongs to you?" I pointed out, "your parents never spoke to you once you left home, what makes you think they would leave the house to you?"

"They didn't leave it to me. They left it to Regulus, Regulus never married and he died so young, I doubt he made a will, so I would be his next of kin." Sirius reasoned.

Sirius spoke of his brother like he never knew the man. However, I think Sirius's feelings about Regulus are a lot more complicated than he ever lets on. Of what I remember of Regulus, he was a gifted wizard, as talented as Sirius no doubt, but very quiet. In fact I don't think I ever heard him speak. Sirius never got on with him, they made a point to ignore each other completely when they were at school, and once Sirius left home he never received any letters from Regulus, nor sent any. But, when Sirius heard Regulus had died he was quite greif stricken. I was not there when Sirius got the news, he just told me when he got home to the flat we shared. "My bother is dead" he had said in a completely emotionless tone of voice. I didn't ask him about it, and he didn't talk about it, and for a few days life carried on as if nothing had happened. But then I caught him crying having unearthed some childhood photos of himself and his brother. And when I asked him about it later he admitted that he blamed himself for Regulus' death: Sirius felt that it was his fault Regulus became a Death Eater in the first place, had Sirius made more of an effort to help his brother resist the pressures of his friends and parents he might not have joined with Voldemort's followers. Of course I told Sirius this was nonsense and that Regulus made his own decisions. But I don't think anything I said made any difference. And as I looked at Sirius's serious eyes as we walked through the woods, I could tell that he still blamed himself.

"The hardest part would be getting through London without anyone catching me." Said Sirius. How Sirius could talk of the possibility of being caught with such nonchalance was beyond me. When I thought of what could happen to him, all I wanted to do was grab the man, hide him in a wardrobe or something and guard it with my life. I don't think I could survive loosing him a second time.

"I am still not sure it is entirely necessary you come back to England; but if this is what you want, I'm sure we can work something out." I said solemnly.

Sirius and I made it to my house and entered through the kitchen door. Sirius immediately checked the fridge which I knew was empty.

"You have absolutely no food." Sirius said in horror. "Look! There is nothing there." He added pointing to the empty fridge.

"Yes I know." I said with a touch of impatience. "I've not been here for a month." Sirius huffed and shut the fridge then began to look in the cupboards. While Sirius hunted in the kitchen I went to collect my mail. I could see some soot on the carpet and guessed I had received some more howlers while I was away. I also had some angry letters from the ministry warning me that if I didn't keep up with my mortgage payments they would evict me. I scowled at the final notices. The Ministry of Magic really was an archaic, draconian even fascist government. People like Lucius Malfoy and Walden Macnair kept spineless ministers like Fudge under their control with 'donations', so wealthy pure-blood wizarding families enjoyed an easy life, while the unemployed and muggle-born received no benefits whatsoever and were expected to pay the same taxes as the rest. It was utterly ludicrous! Snape may have sneared at the idea when I met him in Olivanders, but the idea of leaving the wizarding community and living like a muggle did seem appealing. My taxes would be lower, and I might be more likely to get a muggle job because I wouldn't have to tell an employer I was a werewolf – even if I did they wouldn't believe me. However, if a complication developed because of my lycanthropy, if I sustained a particularly serious injury during a full moon for example, whom would I go to if not St. Mungos? No, I was stuck in the Ministry of Magic's unethical government.

"Moony, can I eat these biscuits?" Sirius suddenly shouted from the kitchen as I shuffled through the rest of my mail.

"Biscuits? What biscuits?" I muttered to myself, "Yeah sure!" I shouted back to Sirius. Fortunately I also had a letter from Mr and Mrs Weasley that served to oppose the bills and hate mail.

Dear Remus, it began in Molly's neat but girly handwriting.

We were so sorry to learn that you will not be teaching at Hogwarts this year. Our children certainly think very highly of you, and of course we remember how skilled you were against the dark arts from the old days, so it is a shame you wont be staying on. I've hear rumours that old Mad-eye will be teaching this year. I'm not sure if that is good or bad! I know he was an expert Auror, but he didn't half terrify me!

Anyway, Arthor and I were talking the other day, and we don't think we've seen you since 1982! Consequently I think it is high time we had you over for dinner! Do write back and let us know when you are free.

Hope you are well,

Fond Regards,

Molly Weasley

The very thought of Molly's cooking made my stomach growl. I made a mental note to send back a reply, and continued flicking through my mail. Suddenly I came across a letter that made my heart leap. I ran my fingers across the irregular and untidy handwriting. Why was she writing to me? I thought about reading the letter there and then, but then I decided to save it until I had gone to bed. I walked back to the kitchen to find Sirius chomping on some bourbon biscuits.

"What are they?" I asked him pointing to the biscuits.

"Um, I dunno, chocolate I think, though they taste a bit like they've got cinnamon or something in them..." Sirius said with his mouth full. I took the packet from him and had a look at the biscuits. They were muggle so I checked the sell-by date.

"Sirius! These biscuits are four years old!" I exclaimed. Sirius just shrugged and grabbed another one from me.

"So? You put a preserving charm on right?" Said Sirius as he shoved the whole biscuit in his mouth.

"No. I didn't know I had them." I told Sirius as I had a look at the biscuits.

"Ah, it'll be fine." Sirius said reaching towards the packet again.

"No! Look this one's got mould on it!" I said holding the rotting biscuit in front of Sirius' looked at it for a second then said,

"Well give me one of the non-mouldy ones"

"Urgh, no I'm throwing them away." I said and I threw the packet in the bin while Sirius tried to protest but found himself unable as an unavoidable yawn took hold.

"Right, well I'm going to bed." I announced. Sirius looked at me slightly suspiciously, but then stood up and said that he was going to bed too.

I didn't open the letter until I had brushed my teeth, put on some pyjamas and got into bed. My heart was pounding as I pulled the letter out of the envelope. I tried vehemently to calm my mind, but it would not stop predicting why she would be writing. Was she in some sort of trouble? Did she change her mind? I unfolded the letter slowly as my hands shook.

Dear Remus, it began and I heard her say my name in my head. Then I imagined her say it again, in a multitude of different tones. Whispering it in my ear, prefacing it with 'I love you', crying it out in a moment of ecstasy. I knew I should not be so sentimental, it was inappropriate on so many levels, but I reasoned I had been celibate for almost two years, it was only natural for me to romanticise a letter from her.

It has been a long time since we last spoke, and you probably were not expecting a letter from me. I myself, never expected to speak to you again. But, I have realised that I owe you an apology. It is long overdue I know, but it has taken me this long to really understand what it must have been like for you.

You may or may not know this, but eight years ago I got married, and I now have two children. Beth who is six and Tom who is four.

I stopped reading for a moment and tried to think. In the back of my mind I felt a swelling feeling of jealously mixed with hopelessness. I knew if I dwelled on this feeling it would overtake me.

"It was fourteen years ago." I said out loud to myself. But it didn't seem to make a difference. I felt angry that I still felt upset about something that happened fourteen years ago, but I couldn't help it. I loved this woman. And she was married to someone else. Of course she would have got married, she was too beautiful not to have got married.

"It would never have worked." I told myself. "Had she stayed with you, she would never have had children. She would never have been happy." I felt calmer after a few moments and returned to the letter.

Tom has Autism which is a mental condition that is not common among wizards. Although it can be quite a disabling condition, my husband and I have received fantastic support from some of the muggle organisations, and Tom is as happy as any other child. However, it has been difficult at times. Autism can be difficult to manage in itself, but worse is the stigma and fear associated with it. And, it has made me realise that it is no different with you.

Although, I think, ultimately it was the right decision, I think I made it for the wrong reasons. And for that I am sincerely sorry. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.

Best wishes,

Sienna

I folded the letter and let it rest in my lap. I sat silently for a few moments resting my head against the headboard of my bed. It was admirable, I suppose, for Sienna to apologise to me. But, what difference did she really think it would make to my life? She still didn't love me. And she never would. She was sorry she left me because she was afraid of me, but the fact remains that she was still afraid of me. And so would everyone else be. And no-one can ever be happy with someone they are afraid of. How can you love someone you are afraid of. I massaged my temples and tried to beat back my old demons. I didn't want them to catch up with me now. I was too tired, there was too much I had to do. But I could hear them threatening and taunting me.

No-one will love you Lupin. You are a monster and nothing will ever change that. You will never make anyone happy. The wolf jeered making every muscle in my body twist with tension. Sienna Capella was my first proper girlfriend. She was Sirius' girlfriend first actually, and of all of Sirius' girlfriends she was bar far the most beautiful.

In November 1979, I was out with James, Lily, Peter celebrating James and Lily's first year anniversary. I was sitting next to Peter and facing the door of the pub through which I could see snow beginning to fall. When I saw Sienna enter, I was in the process of taking a drink of Butterbeer, and the sight of her threw me so greatly I ended up pouring the butterbeer on my lap instead of into my mouth. She was quite tall, with blonde hair and grey eyes. She had lips that turned up at the corner and freckles on her shoulders and always smelt of flowers. She noticed me looking at her and gave me a warm smile. I smiled back, astonished that she wasn't repulsed by me. Sirius entered a few seconds later brushing snow of his shoulders and complaining to Sienna about how he slipped on the ice. Sienna laughed a very soft honest laugh then Sirius took her hand in his and looked towards our table. Of course she would be his girlfriend.

For the next few weeks I had to put up with Sirius bringing Sienna to our flat, watching them cuddle up together our sofa in the evenings, and hearing them make love in the room next to my own. My jealousy nearly drove me mad, and eventually it was too great for Sirius and Sienna not to notice. Sirius just thought I was being a git and told me to get over it, but Sienna seemed to take it quite differently. At first she seemed to feel sorry for me, and made an effort not to be affectionate with Sirius while I was there; then she started avoiding me completely, and I thought she had decided to hate me. This only served to make things even more awkward and it was difficult for Sirius and I to spend time together without the awkwardness showing through. Then one night Sienna came over to meet Sirius, only he was detained somewhere on Order business. So I made her some tea, and we talked while we waited for Sirius to come home. And, eventually she nervously confessed to me that since she had found out I liked her, she had been unable to stop thinking about me. She said she felt awful about it because she was very fond of Sirius, and that was why she had been avoiding me. After that, one thing led to another, and I ended up kissing her.

When I told Sirius what had happened, he put a rather nasty curse on me and told me that he'd never forgive me. He told me to move out and I had to stay with James and Lilly. Sirius broke up with Sienna, but it didn't feel right for me to pursue anything with her. I spent a week doing all sorts of things to try and show Sirius how sorry I was and how much I wanted to live with him again. I bought him gifts and wrote letters and sent him charms that would remind him of the good times we had had. None of it worked. James tried to persuade Sirius to forgive me, but that backfired as James' method was to remind Sirius about how I had forgiven him for the whole Snape debacle. Eventually it was Sienna who changed Sirius' mind. Apparently he bumped into her in London and she told him how I had told her I couldn't go out with her, and seemed so upset about it, that Sirius felt sorry for us both that he forgave us.

I was completely in love with Sienna. She was beautiful and witty and brilliantly clever. She was an artist, but like me she preferred muggle paintings so didn't use magic in her artwork. We spent a lot of our time painting together. It didn't bother me that she was better than I was. She was the first woman I slept with, and the first woman who seemed to love me.

But, after six months I told her what I was. I had to. She was beginning to wonder why I was never free at a full moon, and why I always seemed so ill after. Also, it felt wrong to keep this information from her. I loved her, I wanted her to know everything about me, so I couldn't keep it a secret any more. I shall never be able to forget her face when I told her. At first she thought I was joking, that it was another practical joke Sirius and I played so often. But when she realised, she seemed equal parts heartbroken and disgusted. She said I never should have lied to her about something like that. I tried to explain that I always intended to tell her, I had just been waiting for the right moment. She started to cry and I reached out to touch her shoulder in comfort, but she flinched and wouldn't let me touch her. She told me she couldn't be with me anymore and practically fled from the house.

I tried to convince her to come back, but she never replied to any of my letters and wouldn't let me see her. Eventually I came to understand her point of view, and I accepted that she didn't mean to break my heart, it was just too much for her. And, I carried on, I got on with things. I had to. The war had gotten so much worse by that point that I was almost always fighting. I pushed Sienna to the very back of my mind, but there she stayed, constantly reminding me of what I can't have.

I fell asleep thinking about her, and my dreams were uneasy. I woke very suddenly the next morning to the sound of Sirius banging on my bedroom door.

"Wake up Moony! It's half eleven!" He shouted through the door.

"Let me sleep, sadist!" I yelled back. Sirius laughed his bark-like laugh and I heard him go back downstairs. I shuddered slightly at my nightmare. I could hardly believe that it had actually happened. I felt guilty that it had. I took a deep breath and got out of bed.

When I got to the kitchen Sirius had found some teabags from somewhere and was making some tea.

"Are you alright? You look dreadful." He asked me.

"I'm fine." I said. "I didn't sleep well." Sirius stared at me while I sat down at the table and yawned to try and prove my point.

"Yeah..." Sirius said. "And what else?"

"Nothing." I said, though I should have known better than to try and lie to Sirius.

"Come on Moony, spill." Sirius said, turning around to pour the boiled water into two mugs.

"Um. I er, got a letter from Sienna." I said eventually.

"Who?" Sirius said at first, then he turned sharply back around. "Oh! Merlin! What did she want?"

"She didn't want anything. She said...sorry." I said quietly.

"Sorry? For what?"

"For dumping me."

"She bloody well shouldn't have done it in the first place."

"Well, she had just reason..." I mumbled.

"Just reason?" Sirius said incredulously. "Remus, she was a coward! She should never have left you. You treated her so well – much better than I did." Sirius laughed slightly at himself and I shrugged and tried not to look at him.

"Remus!" Sirius said sternly. "Look at me! She didn't deserve you." I looked up at Sirius with mild incredulity.

"Put the radio on Sirius. The news will be on." I said. Sirius huffed and tutted at me but did as I asked him. Some truly awful song by Celestina Warbeck was playing and both Sirius and I pulled disgusted faces and turned the volume down.

"Why is she so popular?" Sirius complained and I shrugged.

"Wizards don't have an awful lot of magical music to choose from." I commented. Sirius and I then had a short conversation about the musical merits of AC/DC before the news came on.

"Terrifying scenes unfolded at the Quidditch World Cup Final last night..." The new reported said and Sirius and both jumped up and rushed to the radio to turn it on. A small scuffle ensued as we both reached for the volume control at the same time, but soon the voice of the newswitch filled the kitchen.

"At around 2 am last night, a group of wizards dressed as Death Eaters infiltrated the campsite where thousands of Quidditch supporters were staying. The offenders marched through the campsite with the muggle family responsible for managing the campsite magically suspended in the air above them. The campsite was trashed and quidditch supporters forced to seek safety in the surrounding woods. At some point during the night the Dark Mark was cast over the woods sparking elevated panic. The Dark Mark, known as the symbol of He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named, has been used by Death Eaters in the past to mark a murder of a muggle or muggle-born. It is currently unconfirmed whether the Dark Mark was used to mark a murder on this occasion, though The Daily Prophet has reported that bodies were removed from the woods. None of the alleged Death Eaters were apprehended or identified..."

Sirius swore loudly and turned to me.

"Do you think Harry is okay?" he said urgently.

"I'm sure Harry is fine. She said rumours of murder were unconfirmed." I said, though I was just as worried as Sirius.

"Yeah, but the dark mark?" Sirius said his eyes wide and shocked. "And Death Eaters out torturing muggles again?"

"That doesn't mean Voldemort is back." I said understanding Sirius' fears.

"I need to go and see Harry..." Sirius said walking towards the kitchen door, perhaps intending to get dressed.

"Sirius, no. You are not going anywhere." I said grabbing him by the upper arm.

"I need to find out if he's okay." Sirius said angrily to me.

"I will floo to Arther's and find out what I can. You stay here and don't do anything stupid." I said paternally.

"Don't patronise me Remus!" Sirius spat.

"Sorry." I muttered, making my way towards the stairs to get dressed. I dressed quickly, not bothering to wash or shave. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror on my way out. I looked very old. I felt it too. Death Eaters, the Dark Mark...it all pointed to the worst. And if that meant another war I would have to fight. But, that was the last thing in the world I wanted to do. I had only just lived through the first war, I didn't think I would survive a second.