Tony opened Ziva's apartment's door slowly. He walked into the silence, but he knew she was there. He walked through the apartment until he came to her bedroom. He saw her sitting on the edge of the bed, looking in front of her. She didn't seem to notice him at first, but soon she lifted her sad and empty gaze to meet his eyes.
"I packed," her voice shivered. Tony looked down on the floor and saw suitcases laying around. One of them was closed and one was open. He bit his lip, he knew what this meant.
"I am so sorry," she said and felt tears running down on her cheeks, "This was supposed to end well. I was going to stay but I cannot".
"Why?" Tony asked and sat next to her.
"Because I am not finished," Ziva answered and sniffed, "I feel like I did not get to finish my own journey. I want to stay here and be with you and the team, but I cannot. I cannot sit behind the desk, do all the routines and come back home and go it throught all over again with you".
"So, you're leaving again?" Tony asked and looked at his hands. They didn't shiver, they were cold.
"I have to. I need to," she said and looked closely at his profile, "Until I have found out what I have been looking for, I am not coming back or staying here".
"I get it," he nodded a little bit.
"You do?" Ziva sounded surprised.
"I do. I don't necessarily wanna understand it, but I do, in a way," he said and then looked at her, "You have to finish this".
"Yes," she nodded.
"But before you go, answer one question," Tony asked and looked at her dark eyes. His gaze was sad and desperate when hers was confused and tear-stained.
"What do you want to know?" she asked.
"Do you love me?" he said and didn't take his eyes off of her.
She bit her lip, took few deep breaths and didn't know was the truth always the best way to go, but on the other hand, he knew how bad liar she was. Her heart hurt to confess him the truth but what else could she have done?
"I do not know," she finally said.
"You don't know?" Tony couldn't believe what she was saying.
"No, I honestly do not know," she said and sounded like she was speaking the truth.
"How can't you know?" Tony asked and wanted more explanation than what she was giving him.
"The other part of me is sure about this and about my feelings towards you, but the other part, the one that wants so desperately to leave is not. That part just cannot tell you how she feels and trust me, if I could just say it, I would. And if I would say it now, it would not mean a thing," she said and took his hands on hers.
"But do you feel the same way as I do?" Tony asked.
"Perhaps," she said and looked at their hands, "I do care about you but I still cannot stay here just for you. I have to find the one piece that is missing from my life, till I can fully be part of yours".
"Some people look that for a lifetime, Ziva," he pointed out.
"If I do so, I will promise to let you know," she said quietly.
They looked at each other longingly. It was like they were miles apart even thought they were so close. Their eyes lingered to keep the contact, when Tony closed the gab between them with a tender kiss. She didn't back away, she felt like this was a goodbye that was meant to be sealed with a kiss.
"I will," he whispered into her ear, when he just held her tight, "miss you".
"I will miss you too," she confessed and clung onto him like the last string of hope in her life. She held the man who loved her with everything he could, when she wasn't capable of doing the same for him.
"I love you anyway," he said and smelled the familiar shampoo on her hair. "wherever you are".
"I know," she said.
They finally parted, "Are you gonna leave now?" he asked.
"Yes, my plane leaves soon," she said, stood up and put few last things on the suitcase that was still open.
"Back to Brazil, I assume?" Tony asked and helped her to close it.
"Yes," she confirmed.
"Well, I think I should go then. I have no apparent reason to make you stay," he sighed and walked living room and to kitchen. Ziva followed him to the front door.
"I am sorry," she said and leaned against the doorway.
"Me too," he said and tried to smile, "I really thought we would have a shot now".
Ziva didn't say anything and Tony didn't expect her to, so he closed the door in between them, but it was way more easier to close than the open wound of love in his heart.
She stood on the other side of the wooden object standing in between them. She looked at the door knob and for a few passing seconds, she wished he would come back and give her some sort of a reason to stay, but what use would that have? The feeling of her missing something that couldn't been found in work or being with him was something she had to figure by herself. She walked back to the living room and took her suitcases. She walked back to the front door and turned around one last time to look at it. She flashed a smile, like a thank you for the memories the apartment had kept inside of it, then she switched off the lights and left.
Tony walked to his car and sat on the driver's seat. He stared at the steering wheel and missed Ziva leaving the building.
He wanted to stop feeling so hurt and sad. He wanted to take it all back and save his heart from all this. He loved Ziva and that was something he couldn't quit in a day or two, but he wanted the stupid pain to fade away. Looking back his life, he had felt the same way before, every woman he had ever developed any kind of feelings for, left him standing all alone.
Ringing phone interrupted his thoughts, "DiNozzo! Where are you?" Gibbs asked at the other end of the line.
"I am sitting inside of my car, at the moment boss," he answered.
"Where's Ziva?" Gibbs asked.
"Going to catch a flight back to Brazil," Tony said and sounded tired and given up.
"What?!" Gibbs yelled.
"Yeah, she left again, boss," Tony said and for few seconds he listened how Gibbs gave his best not-so-supportive words to him.
"I'm sorry boss, this all just wasn't enough," Tony finally managed to say when Gibbs had to take a breath in between his words.
"DiNozzo, remember what I once said to you in my basement," Gibbs reminded his senior field agent.
"I can't recall anything specific now," Tony said and wiped his face.
"I told you not be me and to learn from it," Gibbs said and Tony remembered their conversation on that Christmas, "So don't be like me. Don't chase and then lose! If she means that much to you, go and get her!"
"But, boss -"
"Oh shut up and do something about this! Fight for her! Because the truth is," Gibbs trailed off for a bit, "The truth is that when I've watched you two be together and play grab-ass, I've noticed that I haven't ever seen you happier in my life".
"Woah, boss, that's really deep," Tony said and couldn't believe what Gibbs had just said.
"Shut up and go already!" he said and hang up.
And then Tony suddenly felt it again – the hope rising from the ashes and his courage coming back as well as his will to fight over of what he had.
He started the car and drove like a mad man to the airport.
Wiihii, a little cliffhanger here! Are you excited? Or is it all gonna fail again?
See you in the next chapter xo
~ L