Chapter Twenty-five

Depression (And why would anyone want to have a heart?)

I don't know for how long I've been in this bed now. Obviously, Sirius had a bedroom, for when I woke up I was there, wrapped in heavy blankets. On a tray they had left some food, and the curtains were open to a rainy, grey morning.

I pulled them shut.

I wonder how long time has passed since I awoke to find myself here. I wonder, for ever since that morning, the room has rested in a perpetual gloom, as if suspended in the space between one heavy, painful heartbeat, and the next. That suits me fine, for I don't want time to interfere with my sorrow. I simply wonder, but would not ask.

I know I am not the first to suffer from a broken, and maybe some would say that I am overreacting. I don't care. My grief is my own, and nobody else has any right to touch it or belittle it.

Every time I hear someone entering, I close my eyes, and I do not open them until the person disturbing the peace in the room leaves. They act very differently when they come in here. Remus usually talks to me, in a low, soothing voice. Jenny sings, and Abraham tries to coax me into acknowledging that they are there. Peter sits by the side of the bed, very, very silent, and James walks about the room, straightening my sheets and changing the flowers in the vase at the bedside table. Sirius only stands very still by the window, apparently staring at the curtains, for I know he does not open them. Maybe he can see a sliver of the world between them, and maybe he wonders if I come to stand here sometimes when I am all alone in the room.

I don't. I can't.

I just sit here, propped up by some cushions, and stare at the wall opposite my bed. I walk across the room sometimes, to fetch a book from the bookshelves by the door. But I keep my gaze averted from the window all the time.

I hear them outside the door, like echoes of a life abandoned. They are all talking in low voices, and they never laugh. It brings back memories of my grandmother's house when I was five. The house where someone is dying. I don't know why they act like that.

I don't like my thoughts. They are like a constant babbling at the back of my mind, disturbing my sleep and the pretence of peace and acceptation of my fate that I try to keep up as much as possible. I don't like all those voices that cry out with pain inside me, those that speak of regret and anger and a horrible, heartrending feeling of having been used and then thrown away.

It is not true. I know he loved me.

But then he left anyway, did he not?

Someone knocks softly at the door, and I close my eyes again. Maybe I'm a coward, but I really do not care. The pain would become unbearable to handle if I saw it confirmed in their eyes.

"Hi there Alex" Remus murmurs, and I hear soft steps padding against the carped. Two pairs of feet. "It's me and Sirius." Ah. "We're just here to take the food-tray out and keep you a little company. How's that?"

I do not move, nor do I speak, nor in any other way signal that I have heard. I hear Remus walking over and lifting the food-tray, while Sirius takes his usual spot by the window. "Alex?" Remus sits down on the left side of my bed, sounding genuinely worried. "Please Alex, have you eaten anything at all?"

I try to think back. Have I? I don't know. Maybe a little. What does it matter anyway? It's not like I'm starving. I would be feeling that, wouldn't I?

"You are so very thin, Alex, and so very pale. And you've been here for two weeks now. We are scared, can't you see that? You are withering away in front of our eyes, and you won't tell us how to help you." Remus' voice almost cracks, and I stir restlessly. Please leave me alone... I can't handle...

Good god, such a coward I am, always running from my struggles and pains... such a horrible coward...

I once more hear soft steps approaching, and I feel Sirius sitting down on my right. He catches my right hand hand, in which I am still hugging the bracelet tightly, in his. He turns it over, gently prying my fingers loose. "I has cut into the flesh" he says softly, his fingers gently trailing over my hand. I stretch out my fingers towards him, a prayer for him to give the bracelet back. "I'll put it here, on the bedside-table" he answers my unspoken words. "He won't come back more if you get yourself an infection, you know." I feel something wet brushing against the inside of my hand, and it stings horribly. "Curaris. There you go. Now it'll heal just fine." He lets his hand rest against my palm.

Lonely, lonely... Why do I feel so lonely if they are here? Why can't I be grateful? Why isn't this enough? I want to show them how much it means to me that they are here, but to open my eyes seems impossible, and there are no words that I can speak to force out the tight knot of feelings that is stuck in my chest.

Softly, I squeeze Sirius' hand with my fingers. I hear him breathing deeply from relief. "So you do hear us, Alex? We were worried you didn't even do that. We are scared for your sake, can't you see that?"

I squeeze once more, a silent apology.

I can feel fingers against my face, brushing some wayward strands of hair away. "It will work out, Alex" Remus mumbles. "In some way, everything will work out just fine."

"I know it is hard" Sirius says. "But you're a marauder. You'll work your way through this. You'll survive. You'll find your way."

"You told me once not to make everything you've done for me be for nothing, Alex. Now I tell you the same thing. Don't you dare give up, Alexita Neidorsdaughter. Nothing good will come out of you giving up." Remus' voice trembles from emotion, just as the hand still resting against my cheek.

Sirius gently closes my hand, giving it one last caress. Then I can hear how they both stand up, leaving the room with two softly whispered goodbyes.

X

I think two more days passes, before I wake up by something I can hardly remember the feeling of. Sunlight, warming my face.

"There!" says a brisk voice. "That's much better. A little sunlight really can do wonders, can't it?"

Emily. What on earth is she doing?

"Now, this won't do." I almost jump, as her voice suddenly resounds right beside me. "What good do you think this will come to, Alex? Hiding from the world like this?" She actually giggles. "You look like a cocoon, you know. Sleeping the winter away." Her voice turns serious. "But this winter won't go away unless you make it so."

She tears away my blanket. I turn my head away, burying it in the pillow. "Troublesome, am I?" she asks grimly. "Well, I'm not nearly as much trouble to everyone as you, my young lady. I suppose what has happened is awful, but it will be no better if you kill yourself and hurt everyone that loves and cares for you. Oh, I am sure that Severus would be devastated if he got to know that you'd died for his sake, and that would be some revenge, wouldn't it? But I don't think revenge is what you want."

I tense uncomfortably.

"What do you mean, not dying?" she wonders, as if I had spoken my thought out loud. "You are not eating, you are barely moving, and you are sleeping rather badly as well. You are killing yourself, Alex, whether or not you are aware of it."

I stare angrily into the darkness of my pillow. What is she talking about? I am perfectly fine!

"And while you might think you are fine" she continues, now apparently flinging the window open "you are hurting your friends. Sirius is a nervous wreck by now. He hardly can eat himself, and you can barely talk to him. He doesn't react until you shout right in his ear, and then he jumps and looks so badly frightened that you almost fear he is going to have an heart-attack. James has lost his will to do anything, Jenny and Abraham are out of their minds with worry and Lily is crying all the time. Remus' last transformation was disastrous, or so James tells me." What! She knows? "The wolf obviously couldn't understand why one of its playmates was gone, and was rather upset about it." She sits down beside me at the bed, talking in a low, determined voice. "They are all suffering from this, and if I've got to hear Peter lying sleepless one more night, I swear that I will run mad. Maybe I already have. Whether or not this is true, I am getting you out of here if I am so going to drag you by your toes. Do you hear me?"

She sighs, and her voice turns softer. "It does not do to just cry over something lost. You have to stand up and fight. I know I cannot possibly imagine what you have gone through and what you are feeling now, but..." She falls silent for a moment, stirring restlessly. "I didn't actually know Julie. But I know that you swore to her to take care of her son for her. And hard as it may be, now is when he needs you the most. At the end of it all, it will be his choice, not yours, that matters, but what you can do is to fight, to show that you have not given up. Do this for me, and for your friends, and for Severus. But most of all, do it for yourself." Once more, she falls silent, and I feel her putting her hand on my shoulder. "The Alex I have come to know and love would not give up like this. And I do not believe that that person is dead. Only lost. Show to me that she has power enough to find her way back, and courage enough to walk that way, even if it is painful."

She gives me a shove, turning me over on my back, and I do not close my eyes now. Gently, she wipes the tears from my face. "There you are. That's a good girl." She lifts me up in sitting position, smiling warmly at me. "Up you go. Let's show the others that you are alive again, shall we? They will all be so happy. Think you can do that?"

I nod, and she helps me to my feet. I realize that I am weaker than I thought. I can stand on my feet very well, since I've been up during nights, getting to the bathroom and such, but my head is spinning. When did I drink something the last time? Must be about a whole day ago, at least. Emily sees that I am having trouble, but she does not suggest that I shall lie down again. I am glad she doesn't. It makes it easier to go on.

The door swings open easily, not making any sound. My friends sits listlessly on the floor, and none of them look up as we enter. Remus and Peter are playing chess, even though none of them actually seems aware of what they're doing. One of Remus' eyes are swollen shut, since a horrible cut runs straight over it, and he has his arm in a sling. Peter has got dark circles under his eyes, and he is looking rather pale.

"You are trying to place your knight on top of your own rook, Rem."

"Oh? I didn't see that. Here. Check."

"Mhm."

"A tower can't do like that, Peter."

"What? Oh, that wasn't what I was supposed to do. There."

"You're still in check."

"I know that." Peter falls backwards, hands over his face. "I give up. I can't concentrate anyway."

James is reading a book. Upside-down.

Lily is resting her head in his lap, levitating a deck of Exploding Snap cards in front of her, making them collide with each other so that they emit small bangs.

Sirius is staring blankly into space, his lips moving silently.

I hear noise from the kitchen, supposedly Jenny and Abraham.

And I can't talk. What am I supposed to say?

"Giving up, Pete?" Emily murmurs reproachfully.

"Shove off, Em."

"So, you won't even look at me?"

He gives a long-suffering sigh, rolling over on his stomach. "There, happy no-" His mouth falls open. I look away.

"Alex?"

I can actually feel them all turning around to stare in surprise at me, and there is a soft noise as the Exploding Snap deck floats to the ground, followed by a series of explosions. "Hi" I mumble.

In the next second, I feel my feet leaving the ground, as strong arms wrap around me and I am lifted into a tight embrace that smells like far too much cologne to be healthy. "God, Sirius, what are you trying to hide with all those poisonous fumes?"

"Glad you're back, Wing" he whispers, hugging me even closer.

"Padfoot?"

"Yes?"

"You're breaking my ribs."

"Oh. Sorry."

He puts me back down, leaning over me so that I feel even shorter than usual and smiling widely. "Nope. Nothing has changed."

I yank him forward by using his hair, grabbing him around the neck and propelling him forward onto the couch. He gives one surprised yelp, managing to break his fall a bit by throwing his arms forward. "As I thought. Nothing HAS changed. I can still beat the crap out of you."

"I was unprepared" he growls. "I'll take you next time."

"Not until young miss here has gotten something to eat" says Jenny sternly, watching us from the kitchen door with a small smile playing on her lips.

"At least one sensible human" Lily mumbles.

"You know, I am actually quite hungry."

James groans, before he also lifts me up in a tight hug. "Sweet god, you ARE hopeless, aren't you?" Then Remus and Peter follows suit when it comes to the hugging, even if Peter at least doesn't lift me up. Why don't I associate with more short guys? Okay, so he is still about ten centimeters taller than me, that's out of the point.

"So how are you feeling?" Remus asks kindly.

"Not good, Moony. But Em is right. No point in giving up just like that."

"Now that's the spirit, Al!"

"Shove it, Pads."

X

"Okay Alexita, spill it!"

"Que?" I look up from my jigsaw-puzzle, to find Remus glaring at me.

"A broken heart is an awful thing, but it doesn't explain why you couldn't even feel that you were starving yourself. What has happened to you? There is some magic involved, am I not right?"

I swallow, turning my gaze away. "It's nothing. Just nothing."

"Mhm. And I am a completely normal human."

"Please Remus..."

He sighs, tilting his head gently as he regards me. "I won't give up until you tell me, you know that. Don't make this any harder."

I sigh, throwing my hands into the air. "I don't want to make ANYTHING harder. That's why I don't want to tell you. It's a secret I would like very much to keep to myself."

"Nothing good comes from keeping secrets" Remus answers darkly. "You of all should know that."

I laugh reluctantly. "This is different. It... there is nothing anyone can do about it anyway, and it would only be harmful if it came out."

Now he doesn't say anything. He just waits, patiently as time itself.

"Oh, Jesus Christ bananas..." I mumble, leaning my head in my hands. "Fair enough. Yes, there is most certainly some magic involved."

Remus still doesn't say anything, listening so intently that one could almost hear it.

"The magic in question" I continue heavily "is a love-potion."

Remus exhales very, very slowly, eyes never for an instance leaving my face. "Am I to understand" he mumbles "that Snape..."

"If you do, you are understanding it wrong" I snap impatiently. "Severus doesn't even know that I am under the influence of it."

"So who did it to you?"

I give a disgusted face. "You are not thinking, Remus. If someone had given me a love-potion, why would the person in question tell me about it?"

"You mean that..."

"Yes, Moony. I did it to myself. I had to."

"Had to!" he exclaims, staring at me in horror. "What in the world is that supposed to mean?"

"I had to, if I wanted to save... something I hold very dear."

"Like what?"

I am just about to say that this is no business of his, but then I see the expression he's wearing, and think better of it. No point in asking for trouble. "Like my friendship with Sirius."

He laughs, but he doesn't exactly sound amused. "Oh, now you are making sense. Of course you made yourself fall in love with Severus Snape to save your friendship with Padfoot. Why didn't I think of that before?" he asks, sarcasm dripping from each word.

I sigh. "Don't be nasty, Remus. You didn't give me any chance to explain." I inhale deeply before I continue. "The reason I did what I did instead of letting nature take its own course is that I was falling in love wi-with Sirius. I couldn't let it happen, so I... killed my love for him. It proved to be the right thing to do. Severus had loved me for quite some time then, and I never wanted that kind of relationship with Sirius anyway."

He stares at me for some very long moments. And then he gently takes my face between his hands looking down at it with serious eyes. "This cannot have been easy."

I swallow, trying not to start crying again. "It was the hardest thing I ever did. But also the one thing that I can truly say that I've never regretted in my life."

And then he gathers me up in his arms, rocking me back and forth like a small child, and I can allow myself to cry one last time over Severus. The tears are soft and quiet, soothing and healing the long, raw gashes of grief that his departure tore up in my heart. I won't forget him, and I don't think I would want to stop loving him, even if I could, but at least the wounds aren't open anymore.

"You were very brave, Wing" Remus tells me, a smile in his voice. "Very, very stupid. But also very, very brave."

"I'm a Gryffindor" I answer him a bit poisonously, and he laughs.

"Don't think I don't understand why you did it. I don't think that it could've worked out very well between the both of you. You are like sister and brother to each other. I would just be... wrong. And I know what it is to know better, to have to... kill love. Believe me when I say that I know what it's like, and how utterly painful it is."

I don't ask him who it is that he has had to kill his affections for. I do not think he wants even to think about it. It must be ten times more painful without a love-potion, since it would take so much time, and you would be fighting yourself for every step of the way.

"It's just... I cannot stop loving him now. It's in my blood, Moony. Burning, searing, eating, controlling... there. It's a part of me."

"I think I know what you mean" he says, and he subconsciously looks down at his shoulder, where I know the scar after the infected bite-mark is hidden beneath the clothes.

"But the thing is that I want it to be there. I chose it for myself. And because of that, the difference from what you might call "real" love is hardly there. There is the physical pain of not having him here with me, a pain like had my blood turned into acid, but I almost can't feel it now. And there is the fact that it won't go over. But otherwise, I cannot see any difference. I really do love him." I swallow down the burning sensation in my throat, looking him into the eyes and seeing understanding shine back at me.

"Of course you do" he says, and he smiles ever so slightly. "We all know you do. We have seen it. It even smells real" he ads, winking. "Wolves notice those things. Sirius does too. He calls it disgusting, but maybe that's because he can't argue with the scent."

I sigh, leaning back to stare avidly at the ceiling. "It won't ever go away, and I don't want it to. But right now it is... difficult."

"We know that, Alex. We know."