a/n This is dedicated to all of you reviewers who have been complaining about chapter length. This one is over 3,000 words! It is also dedicated to Insane Shelton because it is a Double Code RED Tissue Alert! I've been to the Emergency Room twice in the last week for these migraines so bear with me on these updates. Thanks.

Chapter 25: Unrequited Love

With that House nods at Wilson at enters his office. He goes to his desk, sits down, and opens the letter. He finds where Jimmy had left off and picks up from there…bracing himself.

Dearest Greg,………

Where do I begin? First of all, I've always wanted to call you Greg instead of House. And I've always wanted to hear the name Allison roll off your lips…but never did. It was always Cameron.

The one nice thing about me writing a suicide note to you is for the first time since I met you, I will finally, once and for all, get the last word in. I can say what I want without getting interrupted by you snarking back at me.

You see, I have the upper hand this time House,

You can't out-wit me, out-yell me, or out-rank me. YOU have to listen to ME. Of course I guess you could throw the letter out right now and not read another word….but something tells me you'll read on.

First of all, on a professional level, I'm sorry that I was such a disappointment to you.

I know I never rose to what your expectations were of me when you hired me for this fellowship.

You were always telling me I was too caring, too sensitive, too emotional. You told me I wasn't strong enough and lacked the backbone to make the tough decisions that good doctors face every day.

I also remember the day you told me my leadership skills on a scale from 1 to 10 would be 0.

I really did try to be the doctor you would be proud of but it seemed no matter what I did, it just wasn't good enough. I am sorry for that because I would have given anything to make you proud of me.

That only happened one time, and one time only. I had to help end a man's life to make you proud of me.

Don't misunderstand me, that is not why I did it.

I just find it ironic out of all the cases we've had and all the lives we've saved, that you only found pride in my work when I killed a man.

But let's not talk about cases. I want to talk about you and me.

House, I know you won't believe this, but I started falling in love with you the very first day I walked through these doors and saw your beautiful blue eyes looking back at mine.

Not only was I in awe of who you were and your reputation as one of the world's greatest diagnosticians, but I couldn't keep my eyes off you nor my mind.

I thought after a while that maybe you were attracted to me too. You always seemed to stand behind me in the lab just a little too close…or you'd invade my personal space if we were talking in your office and get right in my face. But most of all, there seemed to be a chemistry or tension in the room whenever our eyes met.

Finally I got up the nerve to ask you if you liked me. And you stopped, turned to me with a straight deadpan face and simply said, "No." I felt like dying right there on the spot. It had taken me so long to get up the nerve to ask you and then to be shot down so non-chalantly.

You were always pushing me away House. Always.

For a while I believed you didn't really like me but then the flirting started up again. But of course any recognition of it on my part had you running for the hills and denying all. Then you would deliberately be the opposite towards me…a real prick. This ensured things stayed at status quo.

Then something happened and you took a chance.

You asked me out on a non-date - date. You had an extra ticket to go see the Gravedigger and other Monster trucks and asked if I wanted to go. I said sure.

I may as well have been asked to go to Cinderella's Ball with Prince Charming. That's how happy I was. And believe it or not, I think you had a good time too.

Then you closed up again when the terror train called Vogler hit town. I tried to be a friend and to be there if you needed a friend to talk to but your snark was on full blast.

I was getting more and more miserable over being in an environment where you see someone sometimes 16 hours a day who you're in love with, but that person doesn't seem to want anything to do with you.

I just couldn't take it anymore Greg. I was so in love with you at this point.

And the only emotion I seemed to get out of you was hostility at the differential diagnosis.

It hurt so much.

When Vogler told me that I was the one you were going to fire, I figured I'd make it easier for everybody and just resign. You were going to fire me, so if I resigned first it was less paperwork for you and a better chance for me to get another job.

Plus, I could move on and some day with any luck fall out of love with you.

In the mean time at least I wouldn't be tortured day in and day out by standing next to the one thing in life I wanted most:

YOU.

I remember coming to your apartment to give you my papers. You wouldn't even look at me. And you wouldn't shake my hand before I left. I never have figured those two out. I thought you'd be happy as a lark. I was doing you a favor. Instead you just stood there showing no emotion whatsoever.

When Vogler finally got booted out, you came to my apartment to hire me back but would only say it was because I was a good doctor. I told you that wasn't good enough and closed the door.

You came back a week later with more bribes of a parking space, more money and so on. I told you I had already accepted another position somewhere else.

You stood there looking so handsome and confident and simply told me to break my contract and come back and work for you.

When I wouldn't accept your incentives you got frustrated and finally asked me what I wanted to come back.

I told you a date. Not a business colleague lunch, but a real date.

At first I thought you were going to run again. But you finally thought it over and agreed. And this time you held out your hand to shake on the deal.

I placed my hand in yours and shook it. I remember how nice it felt. I didn't want to let go. Those long, beautiful fingers wrapping around my palm. I felt a bolt of electricity shoot through my hand and go up my arm when we touched, and wondered if you had felt it too.

When it was time for our first official date, there was not a cloud high enough that could represent how I felt. My dream was coming true at last.

I had cried over you for so many nights in my bed all alone. Wanting you to be next to me. And now finally we were going out as a real couple. But as we both know you made sure my dreams were short lived.

You had bought me a corsage which I absolutely loved, and we sat at the table making uncomfortable small talk. Finally I told you I didn't want to waste the evening talking about favorite wine, the weather or work.

I wanted to know what your feelings were toward me.

What you said next cut so deep into my heart I have it memorized after hearing it only one time. In reply to my question you turned it around and gave me a speech about myself. You said:

"You live under the delusion that you can fix everything this isn't perfect. That's why you married a man who's dying of cancer."

"You don't love. You need."

"Now that your husband is dead, you're looking for your new charity case. That's why you're going out with me."

"I'm twice your age. I'm not great looking. I'm not charming. I'm not even nice."

"What I am is what you need. I'm damaged."

Of all the things you've said to me Greg, that one hurt the most.

For you to accuse me of basically marrying my husband just because he was dying….to accuse me of looking at you as my new charity case…all of it!

Especially when you told me I don't love. I need.

Well Fuck you House!! I don't think YOU know what love is!

I have loved you more than you will ever know. I'm not ashamed to admit it….yes, I need you. But I also LOVE you. And I am so damn tired of you saying how damaged and broken you are and that I want to fix you. I kept telling you I liked you just the way you were, bad leg and all.

You know, it's ironic. Wilson came to me right before our date acting all concerned about someone breaking the other's heart. At first I thought he was looking out for me. But he said he was looking out for you. That you had been hurt by Stacy and that I needed to be careful and not hurt you because if this didn't work you might not ever try again.

I just find it humorous that he was worried about your heart getting broken, when it was mine that turned out to be the casualty that night.

I think you might have known deep down that you actually went too far that night with the pushing away business…..because I wasn't myself for quite a while at work. How could I be? I hid out in the Lab a lot and avoided you as much as possible.

Just when things were getting back to our normal flirting again, someone out of my nightmares showed up.

Stacy.

Suddenly I didn't exist again. I was just plain old Cameron. You didn't even try and hide the fact that you were pursuing her again. Apparently the fact that she was married now didn't seem to bother you.

I never understood how you could still love her after what she had done to you.

She and Cuddy deliberately lied to you about putting you into that special coma and doing the operation that crippled your leg for life.

But what pisses me off the most is she left you. She left you when you needed her the most.

She takes a five year break from you, marries a new guy and has the audacity to show back up here to have you fix him. Then when you two realize you still love or want each other, you go and sleep with her.

And where did that leave me? I'll tell you where. I was the laughing stock of the hospital. "Poor pitiful Cameron. Loves her boss but he loves Stacy."

It was then I had come to a conclusion.

I sought you out one day. I knew you would be wherever she was so I went over by Mark's room. You were standing behind a pillar watching her through the glass.

I came up behind you and told you that I used to think you were not capable of loving anyone. But that I was wrong. You just couldn't love me. I told you it was ok and that I was happy for you.

And then I turned and walked away.

I felt completely hopeless. I thought any chance I had with you was gone at that point. But then something happened.

You sent Stacy away.

You never talked about it. You never gave anyone an explanation. You simply came back and focused more on your work.

Did I have a chance after all?

Wasn't long after that we resumed our usual cat and mouse flirting. You were the cat and I was the mouse. Problem was you never really wanted to catch me. I think you were more interested in the chase. Sometimes I swear you just played these games to see what kind of reaction you could get out of me.

Speaking of reactions. You certainly surprised me when I got splattered with infected AIDS blood from our patient. You acted like you couldn't have cared less.

You told me not to whine about it in front of the guys. You said it was no big deal. You made a nasty comment about me doing all the procedures on the patient because there was no use risking the life of anyone else in the group when I may already have it.

It was one of the scariest times of my life and I could have used a little support from you.

I was frightened. You either completely ignored it or joked about it. And then there was that cute little stunt you pulled with the swab.

I kept putting off getting the test so one morning you pulled me aside, looked into my eyes, and said to me very suggestively, "Cameron, I love you", at which point I opened my mouth to say something but I was at a loss for words.

I was so happy. Stunned, but happy.

Then you quickly stuck a swab in my mouth while it was open to collect a sample for the AIDS test. So much for the happy part.

I felt like my life was spinning out of control.

That's when the patient talked me into trying some meth. He told me I would be so much more happy on Meth.

Hell at that point, things couldn't get any lower.

So I tried it.

Talk about out of control. All it did was make me want to have sex.

No, I had to have sex.

I wanted to call you. I wanted to call you so badly. But I knew you would be disappointed in me for taking the drug. Plus, even if I hadn't taken it, you would have just rejected me as always.

So I called someone I knew wouldn't reject me. Chase.

It was frantic sex with no feelings behind it on my part. Needless to say Chase and my relationship was more than a little awkward after that.

Just another thing I've done in my life that I'm sure is a disappointment to you.

Greg, I don't know what I can say that will make you understand what it has been like. I've loved you with all my heart since the day I met you.

Why couldn't you love me just a little? I don't understand. Am I physically repulsive to you in some way? Is my personality such a turn-off you couldn't stand being around me? Or I guess I should say was.

There were times you made me so angry, yet all I wanted to do was trap you in your chair and kiss you so you had to shut up.

And my God, I use to fantasize about what you would do to me all the time.

I can just tell you are a wonderful lover. Those long piano playing fingers all over my body.

Those lips. Tasting.

I don't understand Greg. You slept with Hookers but you wouldn't sleep with me? How was I suppose to take that? How was that suppose to make me feel?

I never told anyone this, but when you got shot in the abdomen and the neck, my feelings for you were so strong….my connection if you will….that I felt the bullets enter me at the same time.

I know it sounds ludicrous but it's true. In fact after we got you to emergency and they took you in to the OR, I had to sneak off to Physical therapy because the two spots on my body where you got shot on yours…were spasming so bad I couldn't stand it.

Seeing you shot right in front of my eyes I think is the absolute scariest moment of my life. If I had lost you I simply wouldn't have known how to go on.

Greg, I need to get going before I lose my courage to do this.

I just wanted to let you know a few things before I close this letter.

You know how you were always asking me 'why I like a guy like you'?

Greg, You are a wonderful man. Forget the fact that you didn't love me. I'm talking about you as a person now. YOU ARE A WONDERFUL MAN. You are a brilliant doctor. You care about your patients even though you put on an act that you don't.

You are incredibly sexy - your age means nothing. As far as I am concerned you are still a virile young man. You have a great looking body (from what I've seen of it), You have lips I've wanted to get lost in.

And you have the most beautiful blue eyes I have EVER seen on a man. It's like you could almost swim in them.

You see yourself as a damaged cripple. I see nothing further from the truth.

Yes, you have muscle missing from your right thigh. You are in chronic pain and you walk with a cane.

Let me tell you something, I would feel more safe and more proud walking into a public place on your arm than the biggest body builder in the world.

God Greg, I wish you were here to stop me.

I'm scared.

But I have to do it. I can't keep on loving you and watching you and knowing those feelings are not returned.

Today when I walked in and saw you with Cuddy I knew I had finally reached the point where I couldn't take anymore.

I love you so much. Why couldn't things have worked out for me just once? I just wanted you to love me. I never wanted to fix you. I love you the way you are. Why wouldn't you believe me?

There is so much more I could say but I guess it's too late.

I hope you find that special woman who finally breaks down those walls you've built up and you let yourself fall in love.

You deserve it.

You deserve to be happy.

Do me a favor. The next time your new immunologist suggests it's Lupus, promise me you'll think of me.

I love you Greg. And I always will.

Allison

Wilson was in the conference room with Foreman and Chase going over Cameron's case when all of a sudden they heard the most gut wrenching cry of "Nooooooo" come out of House's office.

Before any of them could even get out of their seat they heard the smashing of glass and the crashing of books. All the while House was screaming "Nooooo!"

Wilson was the first one thru the door with the other two right behind. What they saw will stay with them forever.

House was out of control. He was crying and yelling the word "no" over and over while destroying his office with his cane.

TBC...